AN-You all want to kill me. You hate me. I understand that. And I wont try to excuse my actions, but I'm telling you not to give up on me, because soon this fic will be over, and you'll all have to mourn the loss of one of the strangest but funniest fics anyone's ever come up with. (I know, flattery, much?)
Disclaimer- J.K. is a genius.
Plot- Sirius tries to play muggle. Hilarity ensues.
Sirius-
I hate Remus. I blame it all on Remus. In fact, at the moment, I loathe Remus.
It's all because of what he said earlier that I'm acting like this! I mean, Kayla Bellaire isn't even my remotely my type. I normally go for blondes, but she has this amazing, strawberry-red color to her straight hair, cut too short to put up. Freckles marred her face, and adorned her arms. The only thing I really would've always liked about her was her bright blue eyes.
Her strange blue eyes were her most enduring quality. And I really couldn't meet them. It made me incapable of speech.
And since when did I start talking like Remus, all long words and stuff? And in my own head!
And Remus, you could tell, was enjoying every minute of this.
"I really have to go," I mumbled, praying to every god I had ever heard of for Remus to play along. I didn't want to feel those eyes on me anymore.
"Oh." Did she sound disappointed? I really hoped so! And suddenly I felt guilty for thinking like that.
"Uh…but you said you lived nearby! We should…er…that is, uh…have dinner sometime. I mean, if you want to." Her smile lit up her face.
"Sounds great! See you around, Sirius Black!" She called to my back.
Remus walked silently next to me, and I wondered why he wasn't teasing until I noticed that he was shaking with barely suppressed laughter. Peter, who was next to Remus, was no longer bothering to suppress it.
"What? I wasn't that bad, and I'm not stuttering anymore!" I defended myself.
"But you will be soon, my friend." Remus said, laughing. "You just asked her on a date. And you have her number, which means you have to call her. And…"
Here, it appears, my good friend couldn't speak anymore through his laughter. "And what?" I asked, irritated, as Remus clutched his stomach and fought tears, his face almost cracking from the smiling, clearly at the thought of something.
"Padfoot, she's a muggle girl. You're a pureblood."
"PETER! I thought we decided a while ago that we were above that!" I said, outraged that that was what they were laughing at. Honestly, Remus should know better! He's a half-blood and a werewolf!
"It's not that, Padfoot." Remus argued, regaining his breath while Peter muttered something indistinguishable because he had started up laughing again. "It's just, oh, Padfoot…do you even know how to use a telephone?"
Oh. I hadn't thought about that.
Lily-
"Dessert's been amazing, Mrs. Evans." Vernon Dursley was saying through a mouthful of the pudding I had made.
"Actually, I was talking to you all of that time, I didn't have time to make it. Lily made it." My mother corrected him, and I fought laughter at the look of amusement on James's face.
"Right. Well, we all agree that my sister did an excellent job at mixing a few things together for desert." Petunia was saying, annoyed that her fiancé was doing such a poor job of impressing my parents.
I know James said to wait, and what he was planning made sense. But I couldn't resist this one jab at my abilities. "Yeah, but it wasn't just mixing a few things together! I mean, really, do you know how hard it is to spell dessert?"
Petunia looked stricken, but James smiled understanding where I was going with this. "Well, d-e-s-s-e-"
"Oh, shut it!" I said, but I was smiling at him as well. He cautiously gave me a warning look, and I knew to keep quiet. Something was coming.
And sure enough, something came. But not right then. Right then, we pretended to be normal people, and enjoyed every minute of it.
That night, however, we put all of our time into planning and practicing the spell that would be cast tomorrow, before going to bed. (Fully clothed, I might add. Honestly, people, get your heads out of the gutter! There is a fourteen-year-old writing this! Would you honestly think of me that way?)
Remus-
I felt bad for not visiting my parents, I really did. But this was just too much, and I knew it would be something to remember. There was no way I was missing this, not for the world.
"Sirius, a telephone isn't that complicated, honestly! All you do is dial the numbers on the paper here, with these. Got it?" I asked, amused.
"Got it." Sirius said, sweating. Yes, Sirius Black was nervous, and it was wonderful! So do you see now why I couldn't have missed this?
Slowly, as though he were heading towards death, Sirius picked up the phone by the handle, (upside down until I corrected him,) and dialed the number, swallowing hard. A minute later, he frowned, until I heard a voice on the other end. His eyes widened, and the phone almost slipped from his hand as he said, "Uh, hey, Kayla?" weakly. "Hang on."
He was looking around wildly, and I didn't know what for until he asked, "Where's her head?"
"What do you mean, where's her head?" I asked, completely confused. I hadn't mentioned her head anywhere, had I? I mean seeing Sirius nervous and upset was hilarious, but even I wasn't that mean.
"Her head? I mean, it isn't in the fire. You said that this was just like floo." Sirius said, and I opened my mouth, and then closed it, understanding.
"No, you can hear her voice. It's a method of communication. It's probably a good thing you can't see her face, because you wouldn't be able to speak if you could."
"I can't speak anyways." Sirius said honestly, and I was laughing again, until I said,
"Well, hurry up, before she gives up on you and hangs up."
"She can do that?"
"PADFOOT!"
"Sorry." Hand shaking, he took the phone in his other hand and wiped the first one carefully on his pants leg. "Right…uh, I was just calling `cause…"nervously he licked his lips and said in one breath, "Well, uh, would Friday work for you? I mean for dinner? Cause if not, I mean, it can find another day, but I-"
He quieted for a moment and I heard the other voice talking, and saw him staring at the phone wide-eyed before saying, "Sorry," in embarrassment and hanging up.
"What?" I asked, as he carefully set the phone down.
"She said there was no Kayla there." Sirius said. "I think we read her number wrong." His face was bright red, and I had to fight back more laughter to ask,
"Then what was that other voice saying?"
"It was an older woman, and she said that Kayla was very lucky to have a young man like me in her life," Sirius replied, turning, if possible, redder.
I couldn't help it. Knowing that I would be hit on the back of my head for it, I laughed. Hard.
"REMUS!" Whop. Yep, I knew somehow I'd get hit. "Reeeeeeeeeee."
"Don't call me that. Now, dial another number. I think we mixed up the one for a seven."
James-
It was three in the morning. Yes, you read correctly. Three in the bloody morning when I heard a loud, rattling knocking sound at the window, and turned groggily to see a large white owl bearing a letter.
So in a moment I was dressed and downstairs, about to apperate, after writing Lily a note to explain where I was.
But honestly. I mean, what sort of psychopath attacks a small village in Ireland, part muggle, part wiccan, (you know, the ones who want to be us,) at three-in-the-bloody-morning?
Apparently, Voldemort does. What was left of the town we entered was enough evidence of that.
Small buildings were still on fire, but no longer anything more than burning wood, the structure long since destroyed. Several Order members, but surprisingly not Sirius and Remus were carrying long, wooden planks…with bloody blankets over them…
Praying that soon I would wake up, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and got to work, picking up what I could, helping those who needed it. I was no good for comforting, and I really couldn't handle the bodies, so I was left to control what remained of the fires, and try and count the missing, the dead, and the living.
I had never seen so much loss and suffering in my life.
"Potter, the Order members need to scan the area to try and find any leads as to where the Death Eaters may have gone to next. Open those bloody eyes of yours and help me out!"
It was going to be a very long night.
Sirius-
"Padfoot, there's certain things you'll have to avoid mentioning to this girl, if you want her to believe your act. You can't mention Quidditch, nothing about Hogwarts, mail comes in boxes and not by owl, and saying `Merlin' will only get you weird looks. Got it?"
No. "Yes."
"Good. I'll be with you the entire time. You make a fool of yourself, which you are bound to do, and I'll cover for you. You say something wrong, which you are bound to do, and I'll say something that will make it look normal. And if I think the conversation's going bad, I'll change it. Okay?" Remus was handing me my coat as his own as we walked out of the house and onto the street.
"Thanks for the support, Moony." I only use sarcasm when I'm truly nervous.
"Any time."
It was then that I realized that I had no idea how we were getting to this fancy, inner-London restaurant. "How are we getting there?"
Proudly, Remus pulled a small key from his pocket, and placed the key into the lock of a rusted, beat-up tin can I knew from muggles in London was called a car, opening the door and shooing me in, proudly explaining that this was a perfectly normal method of muggle transportation, and ignoring my protests. "I can't pick her up in this!"
"You'll have to. There's no way the two of you are walking there. And if you are, feel free to, but I'm driving."
Kayla didn't seem to upset by the method of transportation, just amused by it. She climbed in, trying to avoid hitting her head on the roof of the loud `car', and asked me several questions about myself that I hadn't been ready to answer. "So who are you living with," "what school did you go to?" "You going to collage?"
Who knew being a muggle could be so difficult?
"So Kayla, are you into sports?" I asked, trying to remember what I had heard about muggle sports.
She shook her head though, to my great disappointment, and replied, "not really. I guess I like watching them, and if I need to I can play a little football, (Remember, that's soccer,) but otherwise, I do other stuff."
"Like what?" Remus asked politely, and I had to curse him for coming. I was fine on my own, and it was my date!
"Writing, drawing, reading. I more of an artist," she replied easily, setting the napkin on her lap as we sat down at the table. I glance at Remus to make sure that this was what I was supposed to do, and then copied her. Maybe I do need Remus's help after all. I wasn't raised like this.
"Poetry?"
"A little. More of songs. Piano, guitar, and vocal."
Things were moving smoothly. We had already ordered our meals, and conversation was easy, and light, and I hadn't messed up once. The salads had just come as Kayla's eyes lit up, and she went down a little lower in her seat, saying,
"Would you look at them?"
Lucius Malfoy, Bella, my cousin, and Nott, all of whom I was sure were Death Eaters, stood there in the doorway. Would someone cut me some slack?
But even my family couldn't mess this date up. Things had to go perfectly.
"They're wearing capes and everything, even in here! I wonder what they're here doing."
Yeah, I wondered too.
I gave Remus a look, saying, "Some people just dress like that to be a formal, I guess. They're probably here on business. Remus, would you be kind enough to see what business my family has here?"
Taking the hint, Remus left me to the mercy of Kayla, who said, "Oh, are they your family? We should invite them over, or at least say hello, don't you think?"
She wasn't being perky or anything. It was almost like she knew I wouldn't want to, and wanted to see me in an uncomfortable position. "No." I replied shortly.
"Why not? Are they your parents?" she had stopped slipping her soup to look at me with curiosity.
"No. Two of them are cousins."
"Then why not invite them over?" She asked, starting to get a little annoyed.
"Because I haven't talked to that group in years. They aren't the best bunch of people, and I'd really not want you to meet them and think that I'm like them, because I'm not." I replied, saying more around her than I had originally thought I could.
Sighing, she nodded, clearly not understanding, but not wanting to argue with me.
If asked to recall the conversation, I wouldn't have been able to recall most of what she said, but I know what I said nearly the rest of the night. "Yeah," yup," and "uh-huh," where about the only things I could say. I only made a fool of myself a few times, including times where I said an common muggle food wrong, and the waitress and my date looked at me strangely. Then I nearly spit out the `wine', not used to it being so watery, (I can imagine wizards drinking strong drinks, after how strong many people have suggested firewhiskey is.) and I became confused with quite a few of the muggle sports she brought up. It was amazing how many muggle sports there were, when we really only had Quidditch. And what are the "Olympics"?
She dealt with it all though, and even thought I was funny for it, and I was really beginning to enjoy her company, her smile, her laugh…
And then I caught James's eye.
James-
"Don't you think so, James?" Lily was asking, but I wasn't really paying her any attention, mine caught by Sirius, and the sight of him sitting awkwardly in muggle clothing next to a redhead.
And as stupid as this one's going to sound, my first thought wasn't `why is Sirius is a muggle restaurant?' `Who is Sirius with?" or even `this is so funny, watching Padfoot try to play the muggle.' No, my first though was, `wow, I thought Sirius went for blondes.'
My next thought was, `Lily's mine!' My third was `Wow, that was stupid, of course Lily's mine, Sirius and Lily wouldn't do that to me'. And then we went into the funny thoughts above.
"James?" Lily asked, waving her hand in front of my eyes. "James…" She was saying it in a singsong voice, teasingly, so I knew I had been out of it for a while before turning back to the conversation.
"What?"
"Oh, honestly, James, were you paying any attention?" Lily asked in disgust.
"Yes!" I said defensively, until I saw her look, and the Evans's smiling, and replied with, "Well, not really."
"I was just saying how honorable our code is." Lily replied.
"Oh, yeah. The rules at Hogwarts are about as old as the school itself. And as the school was built centuries ago, that should say something to you."
Lily's parents gave an appreciative chuckle, and Lily went on to say something else, but already I was zoned out again. The lack of sleep and boring conversation was making me drowsy, and since Lily's parents had taken us out, it really wasn't going to look good if I left. But I wanted to know what Sirius and Remus were doing here badly. Very badly.
When Vernon started talking, (to Petunia's parents, not to Lily or I,) Lily hissed, from next to me, "What's wrong with you?"
Grinning, I pointed to Sirius subtly, who, to my personal amusement, (and from what I could see, Remus's too,) had turned bright red at something the girl sitting with them had said.
"Oh my…" Lily drifted off, grinning, the giggling. "I do believe the smooth Sirius Black is stuttering." Biting her lower lip, she watched them for a moment more, until the smile seemed to melt, and a slight frown made it's way onto her lips. "What's Remus doing?"
Curiosity held me, and eventually, when I could take Vernon's talk of golf no longer, I stood, stretched, and explained that I was going to use the restroom, meeting Vernon's smug look with a glare I think could've rivaled McGonagall's. (I would know, she's glared at us quite a few times.)Praying that Remus, who was giving me meaningful looks, would get the message, I walked quickly towards the bathroom, vowing along the way that, in these times of danger, I would create a better method of communication. Sirius and I had two-way mirrors we sometimes used, but it needed to be something that all of the Marauders could talk to each other with, and easy to carry and conceal. I'd have to talk to Lils about this one.
"What's going on?" I asked Remus, as soon as we were safely inside. Swiftly checking everywhere with magic to try to determine if anyone was listening in, I nodded my head to confirm that it was safe to speak.
"Two of Sirius's cousins and an old school friend are here." Remus replied carefully, speaking in code just in case. We weren't really advanced, and while we knew how to keep people at Hogwarts from over-hearing us, we hadn't really ever had to hide ourselves from more advanced wizards.
"One of Sirius's old school friends, or one of his cousin's old school friends?" I asked, knowing it would make a difference, and surprised at how official and mature I sounded.
"It's Nott, Malfoy, and Bella." Remus said, rubbing his palm over his face, his eyes shut. Running a hand through his hair in frustration, he said, "Sirius and I happen to be here for Sirius's muggle date, and we both saw them."
"So have Sirius take his date someplace else." I replied logically, but knew as soon as Remus gave me that look that it had been the wrong answer.
"This isn't about Sirius's date, I happen to think that it's coincidence that they're here at the same time as us."
"Good type of coincidence, or bad?" I asked, praying for the former.
"That would depend on how fast we can call up Dumbledore."
"We can't call Dumbles unless it's a real emergency." I replied, feeling uneasy. But three Death Eaters my age or only a little older shouldn't be a problem, right?
"James, do use your common sense. Three Death Eaters only stay in muggle area if they plan to kill. This is probably some sort of test for them, to see if they're worthy of being Death-Eaters." Remus's sharp reply made me realize something rather disturbing.
"Lily! She's out there, waiting for me, with her parents!" If Remus was right, and he usually was, Lily was in danger.
I didn't bother to say anything more to Remus, but I think he understood.
Sirius-
Nervously, I noted that James had come rushing out of the bathroom, while a moment later Remus came striding out, saying, "We've got to go. Now."
The steely tone of his voice didn't leave room for discussion, and I stood quickly, pulling my coat off of the back of the chair and pulling it on, before hurrying to help Kayla into her flattering little coat, one that wouldn't keep her warm, but didn't need to. The summer air would be a little nippy, because of where we were in England, but we would need to wait this one out. They might need my help.
While we tried to make some sort of lie to use on Kayla, who was way to smart, (and too beautiful,) for her own good.
And suddenly, surprise surprise, the lights that kept the city we were in glowing, (I think the eklektrikity is more magical than anything we've come up with. I mean, how does it glow?) went out, throwing everything into darkness.
So I did the only thin I could think of in my panic. I pulled out my wand.
Remus, and James did the same thing, all of us performing a Lumos charm. I heard Kayla gasp, but didn't turn around. It wasn't that I wasn't worried for her, because I was. I was incredibly worried about her.
But I couldn't turn around. People were dying in front of me. And Bella was heading towards some muggle that had guards around him, dying by the moment, all of them unable to properly defend him.
Weaving my way through the masses, I made my way over to the frightened man, who was holding a thin, small woman quite tightly, as though she could protect him. I know I should have made my move stealthily, because then Bella couldn't have turned a curse on me, but I was I Gryffindor, not Slytherin, and anger at the lives lost, and Bella, and how many other things along with my date with Kayla my family had ruined made me fire the first curse that came to mind, a shadow-trap curse, at my cousin.
It didn't take anything more than that to capture her attention. It only took her a moment to shatter the shadow that had trapped her in a dome shape, and she walked towards me menacingly, showing a surprising amount of power. When had Bella gotten so strong?
Eventually, we were so into the battle with each other, we forgot about the one raging around us. I didn't know how to react to seeing Bella so strong, so I dodged most of the curses and jinxes just barely, but wouldn't let her taunting hurt my pride, and demanded, "Is that the best you can do?"
I haven't seen her so angry with anyone since Narcissa broke the head off of her stone statue of herself at the age of six.
But before she could murder me, a spell struck her from behind. Bella fell, knocked unconscious, and behind her stood Kayla.
"Right…so you're one of us too?"
"Salem Institute of Witchcraft and Wizardry."
"Hogwarts." I replied, a little shocked. I mean, I was slightly pleased that she was one of us, but it also somehow disappointed me. I had been so sure she had been a muggle…
"I grew up with muggle parents." It was a little like she read my mind. I didn't even know her that well, and already she knew what lines I was thinking along. I suppose that was what I saw and liked about her.
"Of course." I replied, still slightly dazed, but feeling a little better.
"Sirius come over here, you lazy oaf, and help me clean this mess of plaster up!" Remus called, steering me away from a confusing situation. Thankfully, I looked at him, and started cleaning, but not before looking back to where Kayla had stood and not seeing her there.
Cleaning up took only a few moments, and James, Remus and I were informed of the next Order meeting, and when it would take place. All three of us slumped into a bed, as Peter looked up, asking us what had happened.
None of us replied at first, until James looked at Remus to tell the story. Knowing I would agree with James, Remus reiterated the whole thing to Remus. As they talked, James broke the exhausted silence between us, asking, "So how was your weekend?"
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