Unofficial Portkey Archive

Chapter Four

There were a few problems with James' grand master plan:

The first being that James was no chef (he more had a tendency to set fire to things whenever he was in the kitchen for any purpose other than eating). This directly tied into number two; James hadn't the faintest idea what it was that Lily liked to eat. He knew she was easy to please, as she always cooked a wide variety of foods for dinner (most of which he did not like, being a picky eater). However, her favorite food was a mystery to him.

So being that since he could not cook, and he hadn't the foggiest what to cook if he did know how to cook, he decided to call in extra help. He would get the expertise of the wisest person he knew, and a most excellent chef, one that could give even the Hogwarts elves a run for their money, and a quite beautiful, wise person, at that (which he often told her, especially when he wanted something)...

"Mummy?" James called in his youngest, baby-sounding voice. He poked his head into the kitchen and saw it empty. He heard sobbing coming from the living room and voices. On his guard, he pulled out his wand and crept closer to the living room, ready to strike on whatever horror was being unleashed within. He pressed himself against the wall and listened closely, waiting for his chance to strike.

"No! No, he can't be....not now!"

"It is best that he go, after all. He's a danger to you if he stays here. A walking target-"

"But I'm.....I'm....I'm carrying his BABY!!!" and then a loud 'DUN-DUN-DUUUUN' of music. James put his wand away and rolled his eyes, stepping away from the wall and walking into the living room, shrugging his shoulders to relax them.

His mother was sitting next to her Wizarding Wireless, with a tissue to her eyes. She seemed to be calming herself down as the announcer told them to stay tuned for scenes from next weeks show of 'Spells and Sorcery.'

James leaned against the couch and cleared his throat. His mother jumped and the tissue fell from her hand. "James Potter, don't scare me like that."

"Still listening to this rubbish, are you?" he walked over and kissed her forehead. "So whose baby is it?"

"Oh never you mind, you little..." she sniffed, dabbing her tissue under her nose. "What brings you down here?"

"Well...I had a favor to ask of you," James admitted, shyly. He rubbed the back of his head nervously.

"Really? And what is this favor?" Mrs. Potter asked, knowingly.

"Well...um...." If he was having trouble asking his own mother to help him ask his girlfriend to marry him, how was he going to be able to tell said love of his life?

He decided to let his actions speak for him, and pulled out the small black box that had found its home in his pocket. Mrs. Potter let out a gasp of surprise.

"James! You're going to marry that girl!"

"Well, sort of," he whispered, peering around cautiously as if Lily was bound to walk in the door at any moment.

Of course, all Mrs. Potter could hear was wedding bells. She made a sound that was a cross between a banshee and a school girl and proceeded to squeeze the breath out of her son while he attempted to tell her that he hadn't quite figured out how to do it yet.

"And, of course, we'll pay for the wedding!" she exclaimed, finally releasing James to his wheezing breaths. "Everything! The poor dear hasn't got a family of her own, and I never had a daughter, so perhaps she'll let me be her 'mother' so-to-speak, and, oh hush James, I'm thinking!" She pushed his hand away gently from her shoulder, but he continued to call at her.

"Mum!" James finally cried, exasperated.

"Erm, yes dear?"

"Well..." he swallowed, putting his hand to the back of his head. "I haven't...asked her yet."

"Oh..." she deflated. "Why not?"

"Well, actually," he put his arm around her. "That's where you come in..."

"How so?" Mrs. Potter seemed less inviting than she did a minute before.

"It was Padfoot's idea really-"

"Oh Lord...." Mrs. Potter rolled her eyes. "What has that crazy boy concocted now...?"

"He says that since I can't say the words, I should cook her a really fancy dinner, and hide the ring in the dessert-"

A look of realization dawned on Mrs. Potter's face. "Really? So this is why you have come to see me, I take it?"

"Yes...well, first of all, do you know what she likes to eat?" He asked, ashamed.

"You're sitting there and telling me that you've known her for how long and you don't know what her favorite food is?"

"Er...not really my department, Mum...I was too busy eating..."

Mrs. Potter rolled her eyes. "James, sometimes I wonder how you managed all of your excellent grades."

"So, what is it?" James chose to ignore the barb at him.

"What is what?"

"Her favorite food?"

"Oh, James, I don't know. She pretty much ate anything I cooked," Mrs. Potter shook her head.

"Well that's just loads of help," James sighed. "How the bloody hell am I supposed to cook her a dinner-"

"Language, young man," Mrs. Potter said, sharply. "I suggest we go into the kitchen and find something that you would find enjoyable."

"Why's that?" James asked.

"Because, you, unlike her, are the pickiest eater alive," Mrs. Potter said, standing up and walking into the kitchen.

Lily rapped on the door that lead to Sirius' flat. She had not seen James all afternoon, and was more than slightly concerned about him. They had made a promise to leave notes telling the other where they were going and for how long, to avoid worrisome situations. She hoped that he had dropped in by Sirius' house for a bit of a chat, and had been kept over.

She knocked harder when she got no response. Finally, the door opened and Sirius was staring back at her, shirtless.

"You know, you can just walk through. 's what I do."

"Yes, but you don't have manners," Lily grinned at him. "Have you seen James?"

Sirius, of course, knew where James was, but was slightly worried that he hadn't made it back. Of course, he could not tell any of this to Lily. So he cocked his head to the side and picked at the doorframe.

"I mighta seen him, what's it to ya?"

"Sirius, stop playing," Lily rolled her eyes. "Do you know where he is?"

"Maybe...what'll you give me for the information?"

"How about I won't hex you within an inch of your life," Lily offered.

Sirius was about to retort when the object of their conversation Apparated in the middle of Sirius' living room.

"Oi! Padfoot!" he looked around angrily, not seeing Lily or Sirius by the door. "Bad bloody idea! Not only did I completely burn-"

Sirius cleared his throat loudly. James whirled around and felt an ice cube drop in his stomach at the sight of Lily's mildly inquisitive stare.

"Burn what, Honey?" she asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Burn....um...." Caught completely off guard, and having those gorgeous green eyes bore into him, James stuttered for a few moments. Sirius finally cleared his throat again and turned to Lily.

"He was attempting to brew a potion for me, you know how abysmal I am at Potions-"

"Oh yes, with your Outstanding..."

"Nevertheless, I had Prongs here-"

"Who is worse than you in Potions, so I remember-"

"As evident by his burn on his hand-"

"Where's the burn?"

"Lily, you know better than I do that James is a skilled healer when he wants to be," Sirius finished. James shook his head. How Sirius was completely able to control the conversation every frickin' time, he'd never know or figure out.

"Whatever Sirius," Lily sighed. "James, are you coming?"

"Actually, I have something to discuss with Padfoot here, so I'll be along," James, who was eternally thankful to his best friend, did his best to hide his gratitude as Lily was still in the room.

"Don't be too late though, I'm making dinner," with that, she closed the door behind her and left the two men at it.

"Wheeew," James let out a whispered breath of relief. "That was-"

Sirius shook his head violently and grabbed James by the scruff of the neck, dragging him into his bedroom. He took one more look around the flat and then shut the door.

"Oi, Padfoot," James chuckled, smartly. "You know you're my best mate, but I'm about to be engaged to Lily-"

"My room has a Silencing charm on it, dingbat, so we won't be overheard and I just covered your arse, so you'd best be good to me. What did you find out from your Mum?"

"That I need to be cooking for me, because Lily basically eats anything put in front of her. No word on what her favorite food is."

"Interesting..." Sirius bit his lip. "And what were you talking about burning?"

"Oh, I attempted to make a dinner..." James half-smiled. "Didn't quite work so well..."

"Define 'so well,'" Sirius asked.

"Good thing Dad came home when he did, else I might have burnt down the entire kitchen?" James said, in a small voice.

"Why this chick loves you I'll never know...but regardless, it looks like you're going to have to use magic-"

"Um...Padfoot?"

"Yes?"

"I was using magic...that's what made it worse..."

"Right, looks like your Mum is going to have to make the dinner for you," Sirius obviously was getting tired of James' hopelessness.

"I don't know if she wants to really see me, as I broke a lot of-"

"For crying out loud, Prongs!" Sirius growled. "Are you trying to make this difficult for us!"

"No..." James retracted into himself, ashamed.

"Fine, well then I suppose you'll have to buy it all and make it look like you made it. Dirty up some pots and pans, if you can handle that without setting the kitchen on fire..."

James laughed a high-pitched laugh. "Funnily enough, I was doing dishes when I started the fire..."

Sirius stared at him. "I don't want to ask..."

James stared at the beauty in front of him. A beautiful (store bought) stew lay bubbling on the table as a first course, along with a basket of (bakery bought) rolls. The main course, a stroke of genius by him, was a beautiful lamb, cooked happily by the house elves of Hogwarts. They were so tickled to have their most frequent customer back that they even threw in a complimentary batch of scones for after dinner tea.

Of course, if everything went according to plan, and Lily took one bite into her (store bought) cupcake, there would be no after dinner tea. Oh, James thought, happily. No after-dinner tea at all...

He hopped giddily from one foot to another, walking back and forth from the kitchen to his make-shift dining area. It was three in the afternoon, and unfortunately, he had to have the dinner now, as they had to be at work by 7. James figured that they would have two hours of eating, and one hour of...other stuff, before heading off to work. He had bewitched the windows to make it seem as if it was dark, and had lit candles all around the room.

He glanced at the clock on the wall and sighed. Any moment now, Lily would walk through the door. Then she would let out a happy sigh and fall into his arms and they would begin with the dinner. Any minute now...

Any minute turned into five, and then thirty, and then an hour had passed, and then two...

By the time Lily had walked through the door, James was laying upside-down on the couch, making one of the scones tap dance for him. He'd gotten it to be quite good, being able to dance quite like this muggle he saw once-

The door swung open and Lily gasped. "James!" she exclaimed.

He fell over forwards, painfully, and got to his feet. "Surprise!" he grinned.

"Oh," she was looking around upset. "Oh, damn it!"

"What?" James asked.

"I was...I thought....I already had dinner...and you....oh you made a lamb-"

"No," James said, his voice hollow and dissapointed. "No, I picked one up from Hogwarts."

"Oh Baby!" Lily threw herself on James. "Honey, I'm so incredibly sorry. If you'd have told me you were making...buying dinner..."

"Not hungry at all?" James asked. Lily bit her lip and shook her head. "Not even room for a cupcake?"

"I'm positively stuffed."

"Please?" James asked.

"Oh, all right, one cupcake," Lily sunk down into the couch, feeling completely lousy. James disappeared into the kitchen and returned with one cupcake for her. The icing on top looked as if he had been tampered with.

"Did you eat my icing?" Lily asked, taking a very small bite of the cupcake.

"A little bit off the top," he grinned, playing with her hair.

"James, I can't eat anymore..." Lily announced when she had eaten half the cupcake.

"Please?"

She begrudgingly lifted the pastry to her lips and began nibbling. James suddenly had a look of extreme panic and his hand reached for his pants. He enclosed his hand around a small box and winced.

"James..." Lily said, as she finished the cupcake. "What was the point, other than making me sick, of me eating that?"

"I...um....got turned on?"

Lily put her hands to her stomach. "Honey, I'm in no mood for sex right now. In fact, I think I'm more in need of a good loo..."

"Yeah...yeah me too..." James admitted quietly, watching her walk to the bathroom in their room. How on Earth he had forgotten to put the ring into the cupcake was beyond him. The door opened on the other side and Sirius and Mrs. Potter walked out.

"You..." she said, almost too amazed for words. "...are so much like your father...I could just..." And with that, she Disapparated.

"Smooth, Prongs, real smooth," Sirius snorted before walking back into his flat. James sighed into his hands and knew that once Lily was out of hearing range, he was going to get it...

Again.