Knock… Knock… Knock…
"Harry, are you awake?"
"Yes, give me a minute." His aunt never asked before, he's puzzled by the civil request. He put the parchment and the pile of letters in his secret hiding space in the floor, being careful not to make a sound, and exits his room.
"What is it?" he asked abruptly.
"There's a phone call for you, I have the cordless here." She knew Vernon would never give him a minute's peace on the phone. She was trying so hard. Harry took the phone from her and stole back to the other side of his door.
Harry felt the tug of worry at the pit of his stomach. He had a feeling who was on the other end of the line. And though he knew what he had to do, it didn't erase the fact of the wretchedness of the deed.
"Hello?"
"Harry? It's Hermione," said the tentative voice from his best friend. "Remember you gave me your family's number?" He closed his eyes, trying to muster the courage he needed to break Hermione's heart. This was harder than he perceived it to be.
"They're NOT my family," he said, in a growl of a voice that even he, couldn't believe was coming from him. "I just have to live here with these people."
Harry fisted his other hand as he heard Hermione's sharp intake. 'No not like this… stop… stop…' said the voice of reason at the back of his head, but he squelched that nagging doubt as hard as he could. This was the choice he decided to take, he would see through it until the end.
"They are the only family you have, and you have to remember that." So she admitted his 'extended family' really didn't exist. "I mean she's the last blood relative you have. You still have-"
"What? You? The Weasleys? No. I don't have anyone. You don't care about me so leave me the FUCK alone. I don't want to be part of your world any more. You can bloody well just do without me." Tearing up his friendship with them was also tearing up his heart. But he had to do it.
"Harry, I know what happened yesterday---" the tremor in her voice was beginning to show.
"So? I got beat up when I wasn't looking, so what? I've gotten worse."
"That just shows you need someone to help watch out for you."
"NO… it only means I wasn't thinking where I was."
"Ron and I can come get you. You need to come here anyway. We heard about Sirius' will and…"
"That's NONE of your business, that's MY PERSONAL affair. Stay out of it."
"You don't see what affects you affect us all."
"Why does MY life affect you? Why would you care?"
"Harry, you don't mean that."
"I DO, Just forget about me."
"You're my best friend."
"Doesn't say much for you does it?"
"I know you're under stress, losing Sirius-"
"FORGET about Sirius, it's none of your concern."
"Harry, you know we all care about you and what happened."
"I don't fucking care, no one does."
"No Harry, I care about you---"
"WELL I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE….
"NO! I WON'T. You'll LISTEN to me or---"
"You'll do WHAT? Run off to Dumbledore? You'll hex me? GOOD BYE… mudblood!"
"HARRY…"
click…
He fell back on his bed, and stared at the phone, running through the conversation back in his mind, letting every word burn into his brain. There's no way back. It's over. He used the one word he knew she'd never forgive. He knew why he said it, to push her back.
"For her own safety," he thought.
He threw the door open, to see his aunt still standing outside, listening to his half of the conversation. "Listening? I knew you couldn't be trusted." He threw the phone at her and slammed the door.
Downstairs his uncle heard the screaming, and marched up the stairs. He wasn't going to put up with that in his house. At Harry's door, he was about the tear the door off the hinges, when Petunia stopped him. "Leave him be. He's had a bad couple days."
"Never, I'll NOT tolerate that kind of outburst in MY house!"
Harry again threw the door open, pointed his wand at his uncle's throat, "Unless it's from you? You're the ONLY one that can raise his voice? How far do you want to push me, fat man?"
"Harry, don't." Petunia pleaded.
"Don't do what? What should have been done years ago? You have NO idea what I'm truly capable of. You're all lucky I'm going to let you live. Get out of my sight!"
SLAM!
Harry's anger and rage was at a melt down point. There was nothing left for him here. He threw his books and clothes in his trunk, told Hedwig to find him in a few days. He slid his wand back up his sleeve and pulled his only possessions out the door. He went past a pair of confused and angry relatives and out the front door. By a minor miracle, he managed to open the front door without tearing it off the hinges.
"I'll never come back, if I can help it."
He stormed past the park before he realized the salty moistness flowing into the corner of his mouth. He had just left the last sanctuary he had during the summer months. He had nowhere to go and no one to turn to.
The girl on the other end of the telephone conversation hung up her end, wiping her eyes clear. She tried to understand what just happened. She simply called her best friend who's in trouble and tried to help. Instead, she might have made it worse.
"Ron…" she threw her arms around his neck, "Harry's not coming!" She buried her head into his shoulder and he tried to soothe the convulsions that shook her body with each gasp and sob. "He… he said he didn't want to be part of our world. He thinks no one cares."
"He's wrong. You and I know that. He's stressed over Sirius. I know I was sad, but he was Harry's Godfather. It would be harder on him."
"He was so hurtful… he said… he… doesn't care anymore." She couldn't bear the thought of what he called her as he hung up the phone. The last thing he said to her rang in her ears, as it burned in her brain. It was something she wouldn't tell Ron.
Ron wrapped his arms around his friend, himself in shock that his other best friend would treat her this way. It was not in Harry's nature to be hurtful to anyone, and never to this degree, and never to Hermione. He slid his wand from his pocket. He thought long and hard about a spell he knew that could block the hurtful memory of the conversation. Deciding otherwise, he slid the thin shaft back into his pocket.
"I'm sure he doesn't mean it, Hermione, we'll see him soon."
"NO… he's not coming," she squeaked through her tears. "He wants us to forget him, HOW CAN I FORGET HIM? What if he…" She again buried her head into his shoulder and sobbed heavily.
Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived, sat alone in a muggle park. He was truly alone. He had done something horrible to one of his best friends. Something he thought he must do, and truly regretted it.
Through the blurred vision of his misdirected rage, he looked up to see a kindly elderly gentleman approaching him.
"Dumbledore what are you doing here?"
"I guess I deserve your disrespect, Harry, for the way I treated you last year. But your friends? They put their lives on the line to help you. They came to your side where no one else did, they believed you and in you when no ones else would. Do they deserve this?"
With his eyes still reddened, he turned to his mentor and tried to look him in the eye. This time Albus Dumbledore did not look away, it was Harry that couldn't face the truth in front of him today. "Come, Harry, I'll take you to the Burrow and you can talk to your friends. They are very concerned for you."
"They don't give a shit about me. I won't go there. If you want to hide your precious weapon against Voldemort, then take me to the Leaky Cauldron. I'll stay there and decide if I want to go back to school."
"Ok, Harry, but with one condition, I'll have a member of the Order stay with you there, in case you need or want help."
"I won't have that worthless Dung near me, I got my skull split open and that coward hid in the bushes."
"No, he stopped those boys from attack you further; yes, he wasn't fast enough to stop the first blows, but he was the one that stunned and froze them. Not you. You know you can't do wand-less magic. It's too advanced for you right now. With some training, maybe in a few years."
Dumbfounded, he tried to absorb the information he heard. Dung DID help him. Ron and Hermione have put themselves at risk of their own lives time and time again. All because of him; in his mind, it all still boiled down to his fault.
"My condition stands. I'll think it over and decide if I will go back to school, I have a month to decide."
"Harry, you have another obligation to fill first, there is still the matter of Sirius' will and the hearing. You forget I'm on the Wizengamot. I will be in attendance during the trial, and Remus Lupin has agreed to testify to his innocence by way of Veritaserum. So you see, there are those who will still stand up for others at their own peril."
"But his testimony won't hold up, he'll be discounted as a werewolf."
"Possibly, but there are others that did see Peter Pettigrew. We have them available as well. So in the end, you stand to inherit the entire Black estate, but not if you run off and hide. You can do with it as you see fit, it will be yours one day, once you become of age, of course."
"Become of age? I have to wait another year? I still have my parent's money. I could just take that and still be fine."
"Harry, the money your parents left you in your vault was only meant to last you through school. You will receive the balance when you complete school and have turned 17. And the Black estate, combined with the full Potter estate will be more then you'll ever need."
"And if I don't want any of it?"
That's your choice, but then it's always been your choice, no one else's. It's been your choice to do what you feel is right. It's been your choice who to count as friends, and your choice to shun them. I can't make those decisions for you, I can advise and offer my thoughts, but it has always been your choice."
"It wasn't MY choice to put this FUCKING scar on my face."
"No, that was your fate. It was fate that brought you Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger together. But it was your choice to befriend them. And if I can add, it was a good choice indeed. They have an unconditional love for you that you still have not realized. You must remember one thing, don't push love away. There are so many people out there that love you and you must not forget that during these hard times. Love is the one way to fight Voldemort. It is something he can not understand."
"But…"
"I think you have enough to think about. Come, I'll take you to the Leaky Cauldron, you can spend some time in Diagon Alley, and I believe I have your book list for next year, if you wish to shop."
Harry stuffed the parchment in his pocket and stood, as the ancient wizard held his shoulder, touched Harry's trunk, and vanished together.
Harry settled into his room above the Leaky Cauldron, welcoming the freedom of not having to answer to anyone, just as he did two years ago. The memories were bittersweet. He had the same freedom though he had believed that a murderer was hunting him. Now, that man is dead and he'd alienated his closest friends. He spent the next couple weeks in his isolation completing his schoolwork, trying very hard to not sleep deeply.
He looked at the stack of work he'd completed and the few possessions he retrieved from his prison on Privet Drive, wishing he had recovered his diary of dreams. He could have been used for his Divination homework. Hedwig had flown into his room minutes after he had arrived and he still had his Firebolt. The broom cleaning kit that had been one of his more prized possessions remained at Privet Drive, still in hiding.
He hadn't heard from either Ron or Hermione and the bitterness he inflicted during the conversation had mellowed in his mind. He was glad to be left alone, but he missed the company of his friends. He still had several days before the hearing, and with little to do; he decided to visit Diagon Alley.
First stop was to retrieve some money from his accounts, to purchase some new clothes and robes, as his were becoming threadbare and seemed to belong to someone a bit shorter. He also needed the money to pay for his lodging and food for the 6 weeks. He was able to complete his business quickly. His next stop was for essentials, clothes first, supplies for potions, ink and quills. He had arranged for everything to be delivered to his room, so he wouldn't have to carry the many bundles from store to store.
Finally, he went to Flourish and Blotts. This last stop made him apprehensive. It reminded him of Hermione and did not want to have a chance meeting. He decided to delay this stop for a few days, and spent the rest of the day simply wandering from shop to shop. The reaction he received from the people in the small shopping community had been different from the prior year; he wasn't looked at as an oddity, as a lunatic or as a liar. Instead, since the word was out about Voldemort, he was either treated with respect, awe or was simply avoided.
He walked aimlessly, not speaking to any one, and wishing for a way to stop the pain he felt. He passed several shops on Diagon Alley until he stopped inside an interesting curio shop.
"Good day, young man, how can I help you?"
"No, I don't think anyone can help."
"Problems with family? Friends?"
"I don't have any family or friends now."
"That's a sorry state to be in. Can I ask how this happened?"
He looked the shopkeeper square in the eye and raised the bangs of his hair that covered the mark.
"Mr., Potter, I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you. Please, what are you looking for? Something to help fight 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"
"Actually, I was hoping for a Pensieve or something to get rid of… well, thoughts and feelings."
"I may have something that will work for you."
The shopkeeper pulled out a sealed flat disk, about the size of a large pocket-watch.
"Now this piece has some interesting properties. It works just like a Pensieve to hold thoughts, and it also acts like a charm to mask troubled feelings. It works best if the user is also a skilled Legilimens, but I don't think that's taught anymore at your age. Actually, I'm surprised you know what a Pensieve is. Only older, skilled wizards usually have them."
"How does it open?"
"There's a charm you can use to open it to save or recall a thought stored in it. A new owner can change the charm anytime, like a password. Now I must warn you, this one is fairly small and it can't hold too many thoughts. And once you fill it up, you can't add any more unless you remove some. And like any other Pensieve, anyone that can open it can see the thoughts you've saved in it."
"Why the chain?"
"You can wear it around your neck or as a pocket watch; it even has a muggle looking face that actually tells the correct time."
"And you say a skilled Legilimens can use it?"
"It can help mask thoughts and feelings without having to concentrate. Like a shield."
Harry began to play dumb about one of his newer skills, one he needed to practice.
"I guess I can learn how to do that some time. But I can use this now as a Pensieve? I've had a lot on my mind."
"Don't all teenagers?" The shopkeeper let out a small chuckle. "Look, seeing as how you're, well, you, I'll give you a decent deal on it. Say 10 Galleons?"
"Done." Harry pulled the correct amount out of his pocket and placed it on the counter.
"Now the first time you use it, tap your wand to it 3 times and say 'Aperire Cogito Sospito ' and when you close it, any word or phrase you say will also open it as a password. Now once I give it to you, it will only work for you. Unless, you give away your password."
"If you need a full size Pensieve, I can get them, but they are harder to keep safe and terribly expensive."
"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. This should do."
Preoccupied with his singular purchase, he carefully placed it in his pocket, and planned to use it as soon as he returned to his room. Feeling upbeat for the first time in many weeks, he began walking with a spring in his step that had been missing for so long. He turned the corner from the shop and with out watching, bumped into a pair walking together. He shook his head, climbed back to his feet and started to lend a hand to the couple he bumped into, when he recognized the boy was a familiar redhead and the girl was a bushy haired brunette. He turned as quickly as he could to avoid the pair, when he felt a hand grab his shoulder.
"Where the BLOODY hell are YOU going?"
Ron spun him around before he could respond. Hermione saw his face, and before Harry could utter a word, he felt a sharp sting on his left cheek. Hermione was shaking the sting off her palm.
"Who the HELL do you think you are, Harry Potter?" she spat at her one time friend.
"Hermione? Ron? "
Ron grabbed Harry by the arm and pinned him against the wall. "You SELFISH bastard, you think YOU'RE the only one that lost someone that night? You think YOU'RE the only one that suffered, that is STILL suffering? Look around you. You have NO idea what you did to Hermione and me. I hope you feel REALLY good, you bloody asshole."
"FUCK OFF WEASLEY… If I wanted your pity, I know were to look. All I want is to be LEFT ALONE."
"Why, Harry? Do you think you can defeat Voldemort by yourself?"
"What does it matter? You don't have to face him, I do. You don't have the balance of the world on your shoulders, I do. You don't have to kill or be killed, I do. So GO AWAY, crawl back to your perfect world, to the safety of Hogwarts. There's nothing there for me anymore. I'm NOT going back."
When he dropped the bombshell, the pair stood dumbfounded, not fully aware of his meaning, he tore himself from his old friend's grip, turned on his heals and walked away.
Just as Hermione ran to catch him, an old witch walked into her, grabbed her by the arms.
"Leave him, he'll be fine, Hermione. He doesn't mean what he's saying. He's still in shock. I've seen this before."
"Who are you?"
"HAHA, don't you recognize me?" The old weathered face reversed the years, the silvery hair returned to its flamboyant colors.
"Tonks?" The pair both exclaimed.
"Yeah, I've been assigned to watch him, ever since Dung screwed up."
"What happened? I got a letter from his aunt that he'd been beaten up. All she said was she found some bloody towels and he'd been moody. The strangest thing was she sounded concerned, and when I called him I could also hear it in her voice."
"You CALLED him? You used a muggle thing?"
"Yes, it's a telephone; my folks gave me a mobile phone so I could call them anytime. And I called his family's home."
"That's why he stormed out two weeks ago. If I hadn't informed Dumbledore, who knows where he would have gone. Whatever you said really set him off."
"I-I did that?"
"I'm afraid so. He was trying to cope on his own and was beginning to deal with his grief. You really need to have this talk with Dumbledore. The best thing you can do is give him the space he needs and forgive him unconditionally when he's ready."
She turned back into her disguise and trailed her prey.
"Hermione, I feel terrible, I talked you into it."
"It was as much my doing too, Ron. Tonks is right. As much as he hurt us, I can't even begin to image how he feels. I know in my heart he doesn't mean what he said."
"Yeah, but it still hurts."
"I know, Ron. And I'm sure he'll be fine soon." She reached up and gave him a kiss on his cheek. "Thanks for being there when I needed it."
Even after what he said to them, now and on the telephone, it still hurt. Harry still felt a gap in his heart that tore into his very soul. Sitting at the desk in his room at the Leaky Cauldron, Harry placed his new possession in front of him.
He tapped it three times with his wand, and spoke the incantation "Aperire Cogito Sospito" and the small Pensieve opened. The watch face opened as if it were an iris, creating a small bowl. Inside there was a small wand protruding from the outside, ending where the chain was attached. Harry gently pulled on the chain and the probe gently released itself, sealing the hold created. 'This must be a special type of wand I need to pull the thought out,' he thought to himself. He leaned back in the chair, and wondered exactly how to extract a specific thought. He closed his eyes and remembered watching Dumbledore using his Pensieve: He placed the probe to his head and brought a specific thought to his mind. He thought about the conversation he had minutes ago with his former friends and imagined it in its entirety. As soon as that though was clear, and the probe touched his temple, he felt a slight pulling sensation, as if he were trying to pull a clump of hair from his head. The sensation was brief and when the pulling stopped, that thought was gone. He looked at the end of the probe and saw a familiar slivery strand at the end. He then touched the strand to the small Pensieve and is begun to swirl around inside it.
"Cool…" He could no longer remember the conversation, or the details. All he remembered was he had run into them and then a small gap. He looked at the Pensieve, and placed his face to the opening, there he could see the entire event, as if he were watching through someone else.
"So that's how it works, it makes a gap in your memory and I guess all you need to find the gap and look into the Pensieve."
He thought about his telephone conversation with Hermione and added that to the mix. Then he brought out the memories of the night Sirius died, something else he wanted to forget. With each new thought and memory, he could see a line on the side rise to the opening. So far it was half full. He thought about what to add next, then pulled out the memories of the prophecy and added them to the Pensieve as the line reached the top. As he went to close it, he thought of a password and uttered the incantation to open it with the phrase "Marauder's map". The iris closed and the watch face reappeared, pulling the probe back into its hole.
His mind was clear of the memories that had been bothering him recently. He wished he could add more, but knew he would have to put these back in his mind to remove others. Maybe he would come to terms with those missing memories and be able to let them rest.
"I have to get a larger one some day," he thought.
Before leaving the desk, he put the Pensieve in his pocket and ran the chain to his belt so it couldn't be lost.