A/N: It may be disappointing to some that I'm fast-forwarding through the overall story, but since this is intended to be predominantly a humor fiction, it's time for the funny part of the show. Possibly in the future, should I have the time and the inclination, I may write an in-between "Chapter One-and-a-Half." Anyway, as promised, here's the comedy team of Ron and Harry.
Thanks for the reviews of Chapter One, and fenriswolf & MissLexi guessed correctly.
Chapter 2: Who's the Seeker?
The mid-winter days flew by for the sixth year students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as all of them were involved quite seriously in preparing for the fast-approaching Entertainment Week.
Their fifth and seventh year classmates were keenly anticipating it also, as it would mark an entire week of blessed relief each evening from their intensive preparation for impending O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. examinations.
After consulting with prefects from the other houses, Hermione Granger actually had been at a loss for what Gryffindor should do. Random lots had been drawn to determine the order of performances, with the result that Hufflepuff, whose members had chosen do a straight, non-magical performance of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, would go first.
Privately, Hermione had set her sights initially on Gryffindor doing a magical version of The Mikado. However, the organizers for Ravenclaw House, performing second, had indicated that they intended to do a wizarding version of another perennial Gilbert and Sullivan operetta favorite, The Pirates of Penzance.
Slytherin had drawn the third spot, but its members were being very closed-mouth about what they intended to do. Both Harry and Ron were certain that the Slytherin "entertainment" would consist of some dressed-up collection of insults to Gryffindor House, Muggle-born wizards and witches, and Harry Potter, though not necessarily in that order.
This was all but confirmed by the behavior of Draco Malfoy and Professor Snape during the last two weeks before the shows. Both of them affected an unnatural politeness toward all Gryffindors, particularly so to Harry and Hermione. More significantly, both would break into smiles, and even into the occasional evil-sounding cackle, when they thought no Gryffindor was watching or listening.
After much "discussion" with her classmates, using that word to cover much more than just reasoned discourse, Hermione was at her wits' end. It had taken several long shouting matches just to decide what Gryffindor House's entertainment contribution would be. Almost every classical stage drama, popular musical, and operetta was considered, but after Harry and Ron dug in their heels and refused to do anything that involved their having to sing, the field of choices was narrowed somewhat.
They were rescued by a five-word serendipitous question by Neville Longbottom, who so far had contributed little to their discussions.
"How about a variety show?" he asked.
Everyone simply stared at Neville.
"I was talking to Colin and Dennis Creevey, and they mentioned some Muggle shows on something called 'VT' that they had seen and that were really funny," said Neville. "They said the shows were copies of older ones originally done years ago. Their favorite one had some fat comedian who they called 'Penny Bill,' or something like that."
"BENNY HILL!" exclaimed Dean and Seamus simultaneously.
"Neville, you're a genius!" Dean added.
"Too right!" agreed Seamus.
"I don't know," said Hermione, with a disapproving look. "He was a bit blue and low-brow in his humor, wasn't he?"
"And we aren't?" asked Dean.
"And he was sexist, too," Hermione continued. "I was embarrassed the first time I saw a rerun of one his shows with topless women!"
This last remark suddenly caused Harry, Ron, Lavender, and Parvati to become very interested.
"T-t-topless?" asked Ron, blushing, as he looked at the other two girls, who were giggling.
"Topless!" said Harry, with a smile. "Well, certainly, I'M willing to shed my shirt in the interests of art . . . "
"NO!" Hermione exclaimed. "No way will there be ANY nudity! We'd get into trouble!"
"Spoilsport!" muttered Seamus.
Neville was both confused again and a little shocked, and he said nothing. But, he did keep sneaking glances at the upper front torsos of the three girls.
After much further discussion, finally the matter was settled. Gryffindor House would present a two-part variety show.
The first part would be musical, and it would consist of traditional and original songs presented in a variety of ways, including solos, duets, trios, etc.
The second part would be a comedy show, mostly by Harry and Ron, but with the assistance of everyone else for at least one larger skit.
The remaining couple of weeks were consumed in a flurry of activity. In addition to rehearsals, costumes, makeup, scenery, and props had to be designed and constructed.
Professors McGonagall and Flitwick graciously agreed to provide the actual physical facilities, by means of very complex transfigurations and charms on the Great Hall, thus saving the students a lot of extra work. It would be converted it into a theater just large enough for the three oldest classes of students, plus the faculty. Still, it was necessary to modify or reinvent traditional techniques of stagecraft as simple as lighting and sound, so as to be able to have spotlighting or to play recorded music without electricity.
But, everything did seem to get done by the last weekend.
* * *
Entertainment Week began quite well. The only real change that had occurred in the original format was that both of the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw productions became joint ventures of both houses. This was due largely to the magnitudes of the cast requirements for Romeo and Juliet and The Pirates of Penzance.
Hermione huffed a bit at this change in tradition, permitting two houses to perform on two successive evenings, but as she had predicted that both of them would have problems with their choices, secretly she was pleased at being proven correct.
The Slytherin entertainment turned out to be Mixed Blood Mischief, an allegedly original play, written by Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson. In reality, it was a thinly disguised and rather poorly rewritten version of the famous Georges Feydeau bedroom farce, Hotel Paradiso.
It did have a few funny moments, such as Draco Malfoy's makeup. Playing the lead, "Perry Hottrousers," he was done up with a black fright wig and a prominent scar on his forehead. His harridan of a wife, on whom he was trying to cheat with the next door neighbor, was played by Millicent Bulstrode, who was outfitted with a huge brown rat's nest of a wig and very large buckteeth.
After his initial anger, Harry surprisingly found himself being pleasantly amused by the play, but Hermione was hopping mad. Harry wasn't sure whether this was due primarily to Millicent's very unflattering impression of her, or to the fact that the Slytherins were so blatantly misrepresenting as their own the work of another, without giving proper credit.
After the play and as they were leaving the Great Hall, she pulled Harry and Ron aside for a private conversation.
"Concerning those nasty jokes that we decided should be cut," Hermione said, "go ahead and do them!"
"The ones that YOU decided to cut, you mean?" said Harry.
"You mean the ones about the Slytherin engaged couple and the newlyweds?" asked Ron, with no small amount of excitement in his voice.
"Yes, definitely," answered Hermione, with a smile
"AND the 'potato' joke?" said Harry, grinning widely.
"Yes, especially that one!" replied Hermione, with an equally broad smile. She blushed deeply, and added, "if you'll forgive me for a rather crude metaphor, stick it in 'em, and break it off!"
Harry and Ron stared at her, with mouths agape, but then they grinned.
"Yes, ma'am," they said.
* * *
The next evening . . .
Announcer (Seamus Finnigan): We will close the musical portion of tonight's entertainment with a solo performance by Neville Longbottom. With apologies to W. S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan, here is our Hogwarts magical version of the famous "Mikado" song, sometimes known as "My Object All Sublime." Hermione Granger and Harry Potter wrote this version, and it is dedicated to every student's favorite member of the Hogwarts staff, Mr. Argus Filch.
(Curtain rises)
Neville: Hello, everyone. Here's "The Caretaker Song." (He begins to sing in a surprisingly strong bass)
*
A kindlier caretaker ne'er
Served at Hogwarts, our school.
To no one I yield
In desire to wield
The most inane, daft rule.
*
It is my most humane intent
And my most great desire
To catch each young witch
With nary a stitch
And set her bum afire!
*
Chorus:
My object true and sure,
I shall attempt to cure
Every youthful thought impure,
All youthful thoughts impure;
And punish each young fool,
Who violates a rule
Of this, our very wondrous school,
Our very wondrous school!
*
Each and every smart aleck wizard,
Doing magic in the halls,
Will be sent without peep
To a dungeon most deep
And strung up by his balls!
*
The hormone-driven couple who think
That they've given me the slip,
Shall, after they're caught,
To my office be brought,
And given a taste of my whip!
*
If ever I catch a redheaded scamp
Igniting bombs of dung,
The wall where he's found
With shackles he's bound
'Til he's well and truly sung!
*
Whoever gives to me back talk,
Or dares abuse my cat,
Be he brunette or blond,
I'll confiscate his wand,
And shampoo him with a bludger bat!
*
Chorus:
My object true and sure,
I shall attempt to cure
Every youthful thought impure,
All youthful thoughts impure;
And punish each young fool,
Who violates a rule
Of this, our very wondrous school,
Our very wondrous school!
*
(Curtain)
* * *
Announcer (Seamus Finnigan): Witches and wizards, we hope you've enjoyed the musical portion of this evening's entertainment. We trust that you're ready for the second part, some old-fashioned laughs. So, without further ado, it's time for "The Gryffindor Comedy Show," presented by the sixth year class and featuring Ron Weasley and Harry Potter!
(Cheers from audience)
They're going to kick things off with a real treat for any who never have heard the original, our rewritten magical variation of one of the funniest and most famous comedy sketches in history, done originally by the team of Abbott and Costello. Undoubtedly, many in the audience from Muggle backgrounds have heard or seen it before. However, we believe that you will still enjoy our improved Quidditch version of it.
(Curtain rises)
Ron: Hey, Harry!
Harry: Hi, Ron! Over with your detention finally? What was it this time?
Ron: What else but the usual? I was scrubbing cauldrons - by hand, of course - for that greasy wanker!
Harry: Well, it could've been worse.
Ron: How so?
Harry: It could've been ME with the detention!
Ron: Thanks a lot, mate. I'm sorry I missed Quidditch practice today. I heard that you've finished with the Gryffindor tryouts.
Harry: Yes, and I'm sure that we're going to have another successful run at the Cup this year!
Ron: Is it true that you've formed an entire second team, a reserve squad of younger players?
Harry: Indeed, we have. Now, we'll be able both to train up our future replacements and to play completely in-house scrimmages. We've even ranked the reserve pair of beaters and the three chasers, so that we can automatically substitute for injured regulars with a minimum of trouble.
Ron: Well, can you tell me the members of the reserve team, Harry?
Harry: It's funny you should ask, Ron, but some of the younger Gryffindors seem to have very unusual names.
Ron: You don't say.
Harry: I do. For example, consider our reserve seeker and the chaser and beater first reserves.
Ron: And, they are?
Harry: Who's the seeker, What's the chaser, and I Don't Know is the beater.
Ron: That's what I'm asking you.
Harry: That's what I'm telling you.
Ron: Are you the team's Captain?
Harry: You know I am.
Ron: Do you know these reserve players' names?
Harry: Certainly.
Ron: Well, then, who's the seeker?
Harry: Yes.
Ron: I mean, the boy's name.
Harry: That's it.
Ron: That's who?
Harry: Yes.
Ron: Well, go ahead and tell me.
Harry: Who
Ron: The seeker!
Harry: Who.
Ron: The guy going after the snitch!
Harry: Who.
Ron: (Pauses and takes a deep breath) Have we or have we not got a reserve seeker?
Harry: Who is the seeker!
Ron: What are you asking ME for? I'm asking YOU who's the seeker!
Harry: That's the fellow's name.
Ron: That's whose name?
Harry: Yes.
Ron: Please, tell me, who's the seeker?
Harry: That's right.
Ron: Look, Harry, I want to know. What's the name of the boy playing seeker?
Harry: Oh, no! What's the name of the CHASER.
Ron: I'm not asking who's the chaser.
Harry: Who's the seeker!
Ron: I don't know.
Harry: Oh, he's the BEATER. We weren't talking about him yet.
Ron: Whoa, stop right there! How the devil did we get to the beater?
Harry: You mentioned his name.
Ron: I did not!
Harry: Yes, you did.
Ron: If I mentioned the beater's name, then who did I say was the beater?
Harry: No, Who's playing seeker!
Ron: I'm not asking you who's the seeker.
Harry: Who is the seeker!
Ron: I'm asking you what's the name of the beater?
Harry: What's the name of the chaser.
Ron: Who's the chaser?
Harry: Who's the seeker!
Ron: I don't know!
Harry: He's the beater!
Ron: There we go again, back to the friggin' beater!
Harry: I can't change their names.
Ron: (Pauses and takes another deep breath) Let me start over. Do we have a reserve seeker?
Harry: Absolutely!
Ron: Well, suppose the reserve seeker has to substitute for you, and his girlfriend wants to give his broomstick a 'good luck' kiss before the match. She would kiss whose stick?
Harry: Yes, of course.
Ron: Crap! Look here, suppose the reserve seeker makes a spectacular catch of the golden snitch, winning the match for Gryffindor, and his girlfriend wants to reward him with a late-night snog session. What's the name of the guy she'll meet in the Astronomy Tower?
Harry: No, no. What's the name of the chaser.
Ron: But, I'm not asking you who's the chaser.
Harry: Who's the seeker!
Ron: I don't know.
Harry & Ron: (Simultaneously) He's the beater!
Harry: See, you know all these players as well as I do.
Ron: I don't have a bloody clue of what the hell I'm talking about! Look, do we have a SECOND reserve beater?
Harry: Of course, we do! What kind of Quidditch team would it be without TWO beaters?
Ron: Well, unlikely as it may be, can you tell me the name of the second beater?
Harry: Why.
Ron: Why?
Harry: Yes.
Ron: Well, then, tell me!
Harry: Why.
Ron: Because I want to know!
Harry: Well, I told you!
Ron: Double crap! I suppose there are second and third reserve chasers?
Harry: Certainly, there are. In fact, both of them are extremely attractive and athletic third year girls, who really seem to be able to handle a broomstick!
Ron: Third year girls?
Harry: Yeah. I even let each of them have a go on mine, and they did pretty well. Of course, neither is as talented as is your sister, Ginny. You should have seen her move with my powerful stick between her legs! I could hardly believe how good she was!
Ron: Harry, I really did not need to hear that!
Harry: Yeah, it's a shame that I can't get Hermione nearly as excited about it. Whenever I get her on my stick, all she does is hold on for dear life and make me do all the work! She won't move until it's over, and we've come back down!
Ron: I really did not need to hear that, either! I don't suppose you'd tell me the names of the lovely young second and third chasers.
Harry: Of course, I would.
Ron: Well, the name of the second reserve chaser is?
Harry: Today.
Ron: Today?
Harry: You got it.
Ron: And the third reserve's name is?
Harry: Tomorrow.
Ron: Tomorrow?
Harry: Yep.
Ron: Why did I expect something like this? Look, here, Potter, I don't want their effing names today or tomorrow; I want 'em NOW!
Harry: I just told you!
Ron: I'm asking you one last time. What's the name of the second chaser, and if you DARE to say 'who's the seeker,' then you know what I'm going to do?"
Harry: I can't imagine.
Ron: I'll find a beater somewhere, borrow his bludger bat, and add some new scars to your freakin' head!
Harry: Ron, mate . . . what can I say?
Ron: Just forget it, Harry. It really isn't worth the aggravation, and to be honest, I don't give a shit!
Harry: What did you just say?
Ron: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
Harry: Oh! He's the reserve KEEPER!
Ron: I'll kill you, Potter!
(Curtain)
* * *
"Bloody hell, Harry," said Ron, "will you listen to that applause!"
"I guess they liked it, mate," said Harry.
"Harry! Ron! Both of you were brilliant," squealed an excited Hermione Granger. "But, you've got to hurry up and get ready for the next skit."
"Where is my robe?" said Harry.
"Come along, Ron," said Hermione, "and I'll help you to get into your dress."
To be continued
A/N: "The Caretaker Song" is my own quickly composed doggerel. I know it doesn't scan perfectly, but G & S fans should please refrain from excessive flaming.
For anyone interested, the Who's the Seeker? sketch is based on two different versions of the original Who's on First? by Abbott & Costello. One is available in print, in Laughing Matters, A Celebration of American Humor, edited by Gene Shalit. The other is an actual performance by A & C, in their film, The Naughty Nineties, available on VHS tape for certain (not sure about DVD), and two or three times a year, it's shown on TV, usually the Turner Classic Movies cable channel. Undoubtedly, there are numerous transcribed versions of the sketch floating around the web, as well.
Stay tuned for Chapter Three, wherein the entire Gryffindor sixth year class performs a magical version of Pigmeat Markham's Here Comes the Judge. See Judge Potter dispense justice to "ladies of the evening" such as Miss Hormone Grinder and Miss Ronalda Shagnasty.