A/N: Thanks again to all who have read/enjoyed/reviewed the first two chapters. The Gryffindor Comedy show continues with a sketch by the entire sixth year class. Though this chapter does not contain really "hard" NC17 material, the usual warnings for extreme vulgarity, innuendo, dirty jokes, etc. still apply. Also, note that Ron Weasley will appear in a dress and play a female character.
Special additional note: One bit of anatomical innuendo that appeared in my first story, Always Helpful Dobby, actually was borrowed from this, which was written earlier (along with most of chapters two and four). It is central to a small plot line that will be resolved in Chapter Four.
Chapter 3: The Judge and the Dressmakers
* * *
Cast:
Announcer & Drummer: Seamus Finnigan
Bailiff: Neville Longbottom
Judge: Harry Potter
Prosecutor: Dean Thomas
Defendant Miss Pinkie Violet Bunz: Lavender Brown
Defendant Miss Penissa Plunger: Parvati Patil
Defendant Miss Hormone Grinder: Hermione Granger
Defendant Miss Ronalda Shagnasty: Ron Weasley
* * *
Announcer: Witches, wizards, and anyone else who's interested, we take you now into legal territory, and we invite you to attend a session of Wizarding Night Court. This short skit is based upon the old style burlesque and vaudeville routines of the great American comedian, Pigmeat Markham. So, without further ado, 'Here Comes the Judge!'
(Curtain rises)
Bailiff: Hear Ye! Hear Ye! All rise! All rise! Wizarding Night Court is now in session, with the Honorable Judge Pigmeat Potter presiding.
Judge: Ahhhhh! The Judge is as high as a mountain troll's eye!
Prosecutor: Good evening, Your Honor.
Judge: Good evening, you're ornery. Good evening, I'M ornery! The judge is feeling really evil, low down, and disagreeable, and EVERYBODY'S going to JAIL this evening! In fact, I'm feeling SO nasty, that I'm gonna start off by giving MYSELF thirty days!
Prosecutor: Judge, I hope that Your Honor hasn't been drinking on the job again!
Judge: You can hope all you want, but, I'll remind you that I do not drink on the job, and I haven't had a drop for at least five minutes! (Tosses empty pint bottle of firewhiskey off-stage to loud "breaking glass" sound effect)
Prosecutor: Your Honor, we have a lot of criminals for you to try this evening.
Judge: Bring 'em in, and I'll give 'em FROM NOW ON! (Slams enormous prop rubber gavel on bench)
Bailiff: Call the case of Miss Pinkie Violet Bunz.
(Miss Bunz, in a way-too-tight red dress, begins sashaying to the front of the courtroom, to the accompaniment of drum rim-shots)
Judge: Where is she, dog-gone her soul? (Notices the defendant sitting down in the witness chair) How DO you DO, Miss Bunz! Are you Pinkie, or are you Violet?
Defendant Bunz: Well, Your Honor, that depends on just what part of me you're looking at! (Winks at the judge and bends over to give him a better view of her ample cleavage).
Judge: Good gracious alive! For sure, you don't get many of THOSE to the pound!
Prosecutor: Miss Bunz is charged with Solicitation, Your Honor.
Judge: Solici-WHO?
Prosecutor: Solicitation for Prostitution, Your Honor.
Judge: I don't care what charity she was collecting for! What'd she DO?
Prosecutor: She's charged with being a prostitute, Your Honor.
Judge: But, I thought YOU were the Head Prostitute in this court.
Prosecutor: No, no, Your Honor. I'm the PROSECUTOR.
Judge: Well, then, what the hell is a prostitute?
Prosecutor: It's a person who takes your money and promises to do, er, special things for you, Your Honor.
Judge: Oh! You mean that she's a POLITICIAN!
Prosecutor: No, Your Honor! I meant that she's a witch charged with taking people's money and . . . and SHAGGING them.
Judge: That's what I said; she's a POLITICIAN!
Prosecutor: NO, NO, NO, Your Honor, she's charged with being a prostitute - you know - a streetwalker, a lady of the evening, a hooker, or a whore!
Judge: Really? This young, sweet, and innocent-looking witch is all that? Tell me, Miss Bunz, are you a prostitute?
Defendant Bunz: No, Your Honor, I am not.
Judge: What are you, then?
Defendant Bunz: I'm a dressmaker.
Judge: A dressmaker! Do you make your living that way?
Defendant Bunz: I surely do, Your Honor.
Judge: Case dismissed. You're free to go, Miss Bunz. (Observes Miss Bunz walking out) Ummm UM! THAT must be what they mean when they say that it's made of jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that! Call the next case.
Bailiff: Call the case of Miss Penissa Plunger.
(Miss Plunger, in an equally tight dress, gyrates her way up to the witness chair, to the accompaniment of more drum rim-shots)
Prosecutor: Miss Plunger also is charged with Solicitation, Your Honor.
(The Judge, preoccupied with staring at the upper front of Miss Plunger's well-filled dress, misses this)
Judge: Huh? Whazzat you said?
Prosecutor: Your Honor, Miss Plunger is charged with Prostitution.
Judge: What? Do you mean to tell me that this lovely big pair, er, I mean, this young, sweet, and innocent-looking witch is a . . . a woman of loose virtue? Miss Plunger, are you a prostitute?
Defendant Plunger: (Batting her eyelashes and smiling at the judge) No, Your Honor, I'm a dressmaker.
Judge: Another dressmaker! Do you make your living that way?
Defendant Plunger: I certainly do, sir.
Judge: Case dismissed! Young lady, you're free to go. (Observes Miss Plunger's exit) Now, THAT looks like two bulldog puppies fighting under a blanket!
Prosecutor: Your Honor, I object to your dismissals of these cases!
Judge: (Hits Prosecutor on the head with rubber gavel) Shut up, fool!
Prosecutor: On what grounds are you dismissing these cases?
Judge: (Hits Prosecutor again) On the COURTHOUSE grounds! What other grounds do you think you're standing on? Call the next case.
Bailiff: Call the case of Miss Hormone Grinder.
Judge: Hormone Grinder! This sure sounds like a rough one! Bring her in, and I'll put the JAIL on TOP of her!
(Miss Grinder, also in a way-too-tight and revealing dress, flounces up to the witness chair, to the accompaniment of drum rim-shots)
Prosecutor: Miss Grinder is charged with Solicitation, Your Honor.
Judge: (Ignores Prosecutor as he watches Miss Grinder sit down and begin to wriggle her posterior around the seat of the witness chair) Wha-wha-wha-wha-what's the matter, Miss Grinder? Aren't you comfortable?
Defendant Grinder: I'm so sorry, Your Honor, but it's this chair. I just can't help but to move around . . . a LOT . . . whenever I feel something BIG and HARD behind me!
Judge: My, my, my! Uh, where were we?
Prosecutor: Miss Grinder is accused of Solicitation for Prostitution.
Judge: Oh, yes. This young, sweet, and innocent-looking witch is charged with being a prostitute. Are you, Miss Grinder?
Defendant Grinder: Most assuredly, I am NOT, Your Honor. I am a dressmaker.
Judge: Yet ANOTHER dressmaker! Young lady, do you really make your living that way?
Defendant Grinder: Definitely, I do, Your Honor.
Judge: Case dismissed! You're free to leave. (Watches Miss Grinder's flouncing exit) My goodness gracious! THAT looks like two FULLY-GROWN bulldogs fighting under a blanket!
Prosecutor: I object, Your Honor.
Judge: What, do you think it looks more like a pair of MASTIFFS? I already told you to shut up about case dismissals. I can't give time to such young, sweet, and innocent-looking witches who make dresses for their living! Don't you have any dark wizards, cauldron thieves, or used broom salesmen under arrest? Why don't you bring me some REAL criminals for trial?
Prosecutor: I'm trying, Your Honor.
Judge: Hell, someone's got to do time, sometime. (Holds up a very large book with the title, Magical Law) Look at all the YEARS I've got in this book! Somebody's got to do 'em, and it ain't gonna be ME! Are there any more cases?
Prosecutor: We have one last case this evening.
Bailiff: Call the case of Miss Ronalda Shagnasty.
Judge: Bring her on up, and I'll . . . what in the world?
(A loud disturbance occurs, due to a scuffle between the Bailiff and Defendant Shagnasty, clearly a large male in drag)
Bailiff: Come along, Miss. Get in here now.
Defendant Shagnasty: Take your filthy hands off me, you horrible big brute! I don't give away ANY free feels!
Judge: Hey, gal, what's the problem?
Defendant Shagnasty: This uniformed sex maniac of yours was trying to MO-lest my bum and my bosom!
Judge: Watch it, young lady! I don't want any foul language in MY courtroom!
Defendant Shagnasty: I'm sorry, Your Honor, but I don't play that game!
Judge: Hmm, something doesn't seem right. Is 'Shagnasty' really your name, or is that what you do?
Defendant Shagnasty: It's my name, AND it's what I do!
Judge: Let me guess. Is Miss Shagnasty is charged with Solicitation?
Prosecutor: Solicitation for AND actually doing Prostitution, Your Honor.
Judge: Miss, you have been accused of Prostitution.
Defendant Shagnasty: I ain't ACCUSED of nothing; I DONE this!
Judge: Is that so?
Defendant Shagnasty: It is, Your Honor. I'm a hooker, a streetwalker, a whore, a scarlet woman, and whatever else you want to call a professional working witch!
Judge: Oh, really! You 're admitting that you're a lady of the evening?
Defendant Shagnasty: Not only am I a prostitute, but I'm a very, VERY good one, if I do say so myself!
Judge: Good gracious alive! Do you actually make your living that way?
Defendant Shagnasty: Well, I COULD . . . if it wasn't for all those damned dressmakers!
Judge: Oh, my heavens!
(Curtain)
* * *
Backstage, a four-sided, loud, but very brief conversation began.
"HARRY," said Lavender.
"JAMES," added Parvati.
"POTTER," continued Hermione. "What the bloody hell was the meaning of those adlibs about . . . about . . . our . . . "
"Our rear ends?" offered Lavender.
"Our posteriors?" said Parvati.
"Our derrières?" finished Hermione.
"Hell," said Harry, "I thought I was talking about common, ordinary bums . . . er, I mean that none of yours are just common or ordinary, but . . . oh, sorry, ladies, but Ron and I have to go now."
Hermione turned to Lavender and Parvati.
"We've got to get even with him for this," she said. "Remember the part near the end when he and Ron introduce the rest of the cast? Well, one good script change deserves another! Here's what we're going to do . . . "
To be continued
In Chapter Four, Harry and Ron will end the show with more standup comedy. Magical variants of dirty jokes will abound, and Harry and Ron will get even with Slytherin House, especially with Draco and Snape. How will Hermione, Lavender, and Parvati get even with Harry?
A/N: The original Judge and the Dressmaker skit, as performed by the late Pigmeat Markham, was one of the shortest of his various "Judge" routines, lasting only a couple of minutes in live performance. My version here is considerably expanded and embellished.