A/N: The story wraps up with this chapter, although there will be an epilogue to be posted later, unfortunately probably not for several days. The usual warnings for very nasty jokes, etc. are given. Ron is rewarded for his previous humiliations in the story by getting to tell a couple of pretty good Slytherin-bashing jokes. Thanks again to everyone who read & reviewed.
Chapter 4: Don't Get Mad -- Get Even!
(Curtain rises)
Harry: Well, everyone, we hope you've enjoyed the show.
Ron: Yeah, and we're going to finish things up with some jokes.
Harry: We don't say 'finish' lightly, because it's possible that some in the audience, including members of the faculty, might not appreciate some of them.
Ron: So, the show might end with our getting detention, but it'll be worth it!
Harry: But, before the ordinary jokes, we'd like to give our impression of what would happen if the distinguished Minister of Magic, and dirty, thieving git, Cornelius Fudge -
Ron: - were to use a time turner and meet himself on the street.
(Both walk to opposite sides of stage, put on lime-green bowler hats, turn around, and walk toward each other.)
Harry: Cornelius, my best friend!
Ron: Cornelius, my only buddy!
(Both embrace and then begin going through each other's pockets, grabbing everything they can. Then, each pulls out a large rubber prop knife and begins stabbing the other in the back.)
(Curtain)
* * *
(Curtain rises)
Ron: Harry, you really should apologize for saying what you said about the Minister of Magic.
Harry: You're right, Ron. Truly, I am sorry that Cornelius Fudge is a dirty, thieving git! He ought to marry Rita Skeeter, and they could have children who are VERY dirty, thieving gits!
(Mixed applause & murmurs from audience)
Ron: Well, let's talk about something else. So, Harry, how long is it? About five and a half?
Harry: That's a rather personal question, don't you think? But, if you must know, you're WAY off!
(Numerous screams and shrieks from females in audience)
Ron: NO, Harry! I meant how long is it that you've been back in the wizarding world? It is about five and a half YEARS, isn't it?
Harry: OH . . . yes, that's about it.
Ron: What do you think about the differences between magical folk and Muggles?
Harry: Actually, Ron, there are a lot more similarities than many might believe.
Ron: Such as?
Harry: Well, for one thing, almost everybody is obsessed with S-E-X.
Ron: You're right about that, mate.
Harry: However, I have discovered that witches can be quite different in how they relate to sex.
Ron: How so?
Harry: Well, consider our school and its four different houses. Witches from Hufflepuff are great, because they're so friendly and fun loving, while those from Ravenclaw are wonderful, because they always know exactly what they're doing. Of course, Gryffindor witches are the very best, because they're brave enough to try anything!
(Mixture of cheers and jeers from the audience)
Ron: What about witches from Slytherin?
Harry: Who cares?
(Laughter from audience)
Ron: Well, we all know that you've had issues with some Slytherins, Harry.
Harry: That's true, but did you know that I tried to do a good deed and help a certain Slytherin classmate of ours?
Ron: When was this, and who was it?
Harry: It was this past summer holiday, at a seaside resort, where my caring and trusting relations had dragged me, rather than leave me alone in their home. And, believe it or not, it involved a Slytherin wizard of particularly nasty personality, who shall remain nameless, in order to avoid embarrassment.
Ron: Come on, Harry, you can tell me, your best mate, can't you?
Harry: I'll give you two clues. First, he used to put enough goop in his hair that one could use it to do a complete chassis lube of the Knight Bus! Second, either 'Dung Mouth' or 'Dirty M-F-er' would be an appropriate alternate use of his name's initials!
Ron: Wow! Well, what happened with 'D-M' this summer?
Harry: I ran into him on the beach, and I mean it literally, as both of us had our attention on, er, the scenery, that is, the vast array of skimpy swimwear almost being worn by young female Muggles. Anyway, to make a long story short, 'D-M' broke down and asked me for a favor.
Ron: What, exactly?
Harry: Knowing my background, he wanted advice on what he could do in order to attract the attention of the lovely young Muggle sunbathers.
Ron: What did you tell him?
Harry: I suggested that he should substitute a tight, racing-style 'speedo' for the fashionable, but rather shapeless 'baggie' swim trunks that he was wearing. Well, he did so, and the next morning we met again, but he glared at me and informed me that my suggestion had not worked. He claimed that most of the birds were ignoring him and that a few were taking a single look and snickering.
Ron: Why not? What happened?
Harry: To be brutally honest, the tight swimsuit did nothing but to advertise a rather significant, er, shortcoming of his, if you get my meaning.
Ron: Really? Just how 'insignificant' was he?
Harry: Let me put it this way. If, in an intense state of arousal, he walked straight into a wall, he'd break his nose before anything else touched. Anyway, being a kindly, caring, and patient sort of person, I decided that I would do my best to help out the unfortunate lad.
Ron: Ha! So, what further advice did you have for 'Mr. Toothpick,' our charming Slytherin classmate, other than his performing on himself an illegal underage engorgement charm?
Harry: I told him to get a large potato, slip it into his tight swimsuit, and take a slow stroll down the beach. I promised that he would get some attention. Apparently, the next morning he did so, and we met yet again, to the accompaniment of very loud laughter and finger pointing, all directed at him. He sneered at me, and he informed me that my most recent advice was worthless, as he was getting only plenty of the wrong sort of attention!
Ron: What did you say, Harry?
Harry: I suggested that if he wanted for my advice to work, then perhaps he should consider putting the potato inside the FRONT of his trunks!
(Laughter from most in audience)
* * *
Ron: Ha! That's a typical Slytherin for you. By the way, Harry, did you hear about the extra-thick young Slytherin witch and wizard who were engaged to be married?
Harry: No, what happened?
Ron: Well, they were so dense that nothing either pair of parents said to them about sex got through. They just couldn't understand. So, the parents decided to get some professional help in the form of a medi-wizard, and they owled him about the situation.
The young couple went to his office, and he spent hours trying to explain the facts of life to them, even using illustrated healing books, but to no avail. Finally, in exasperation, he told the young witch to strip and to lie down on the examination table. He took off his own clothes, climbed up on the table, got between her legs, and proceeded to shag the you-know-what out of her.
When he finished, he got off, dressed, and said to both of them, "NOW do you understand exactly what sex is all about?"
"Oh, yes," answered both of the young Slytherins together, "we can't thank you enough for explaining it so well."
As they were leaving, the young wizard turned back and asked him a question, "by the way, sir, how often do I have to bring her in?"
(Laughter from all, excepting some Slytherins)
* * *
Harry: That's a good one, Ron, but I've got another one about sex and innocence. Did you hear about the Ravenclaw wizard who married the Hufflepuff witch?
Ron: No, tell me about them.
Harry: Well, on their wedding night, when they got undressed, the innocent young witch got her first close look at a male's anatomy.
"What exactly is that thing?" she asked her new husband, pointing between his legs.
"Uh, that's my 'rope,' honey," the quick-witted Ravenclaw wizard replied.
"And those oval things in that sack under your rope are what?" she continued.
"Uh, they're just a couple of 'knots,' dear," he answered.
Well, they got into bed and made love. After a short recovery period, the wizard was ready for another go.
"Well, sweetie," he said to his wife, "what did you think of our first time?"
"It was nice, darling," she said.
"Would you like to do it again?" he asked.
"Sure," she replied, "only this time, if you don't mind, could you untie those knots and give me some more rope?"
(Mixed laughter, groans, and boos from the audience at this rather old and lame effort)
* * *
Ron: That is pretty good, Harry, but I've got an even better one, about a Gryffindor wizard who married a Slytherin witch.
Harry: I'm almost scared to ask about them.
Ron: After a honeymoon of only three days, the Gryffindor wizard was ordered to report for Auror Training. They would be separated for more than a month! Now, their very brief married sex life had been great, and they did love each other, so they promised to remain faithful while they were apart. But, the wizard was uneasy about leaving his wife all alone for so long, and he decided to take precautions against her being tempted to mess around while he was away.
So, he visited the 'back room/adults only' section of Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, Number 93 Diagon Alley, and coming soon to Hogsmeade!
(Laughter and jeers from the audience at the shameless commercial)
He wanted to get for his wife what is politely known in the adult entertainment trade as a 'marital aid.' As is the case with so many Gryffindor wizards, he was over-abundantly endowed in the reproductive equipment department.
(More laughter and jeers from the audience)
So, he purchased the largest vibrator available, a long and thick one made of hard plastic, battery-powered, and especially charmed to work properly in magical households. He took it home and explained its operation to his wife, and he asked her to use it whenever she felt a really strong urge for sex, and to try to pretend that the vibrator was, er, HIM.
He reported to the Ministry of Magic for his training, and the very next morning at breakfast, he received a howler from his wife! Her loud voice called him almost every dirty name that he had ever heard, plus some new ones. Immediately, he sent an owl to her with the simple message requesting, "what's wrong?"
He received a quick reply from his Slytherin wife, saying the following:
"You low-life pile of dragon crap! The first night you were away, I missed you terribly. I took out the vibrator you bought, switched the motor on, and tried to pretend that it was you. The infernal device chipped both of my front teeth!"
(Laughter from the audience)
* * *
Harry: You know, Ron, even the Hogwarts teachers seem to be obsessed with sex.
Ron: Really?
Harry: Yes. For instance, the other evening, I happened to pass by the faculty sitting room, and I overheard a conversation between the four Heads of House.
Ron: What was it about?
Harry: Believe it or not, they were debating about the male penis! In particular, they were arguing over the reason for the shape of the head of the penis!
Ron: I don't believe it!
Harry: I swear it's true! Professor Flitwick, of Ravenclaw, was sure that it is shaped how it is, so that during the sex act, the WOMAN will experience increased pleasure.
(Cheers and whistles erupt from Ravenclaws and from many other females in the audience, which increase when a spotlight picks out Professor Flitwick, who climbs atop the back of his chair, bows to Harry and Ron, and grasps his hands above his head like a prizefighter)
Professor Sprout, of Hufflepuff, argued that it's shaped the way it is, so that during the sex act, the MAN will receive increased pleasure.
(Cheers from Hufflepuffs and from other males in the audience, which increase when the spotlight hits Professor Sprout attempting to hide under her chair, only to have it levitated away by Professor Flitwick)
Professor McGonagall, of Gryffindor, disagreed with both of them, and she insisted that it's shaped as it is, so that during the sex act, BOTH PARTNERS will experience greater pleasure.
(Cheers from Gryffindors and from almost everyone else in the audience, increasing as the spotlight shows Professor McGonagall blushing, but attempting to keep a straight face, before breaking into a big smile)
Finally, Professor Snape, of Slytherin, claimed that all three of his fellow teachers surely were wrong. He was absolutely certain that the head of the penis has its shape, so that during the sex act, ones HAND won't slip off the end of it!
(Very loud laughs from everyone, excepting from some Slytherins, which increase when the spotlight catches Professor Snape's uncharacteristically very red face)
* * *
Harry: That's it, folks. We hope that you've enjoyed yourselves even a little bit as much as we've enjoyed doing this for you.
Ron: Yeah, and if anyone was offended, we apologize . . . NEVER!
Harry: Here's the rest of the cast, with a brief description of what they contributed in addition to their performances. How about a round of applause for them?
Ron: Seamus Finnigan, who was the drummer and who handled all of the other music . . . Neville Longbottom, who handled the magical lighting and assisted with the scenery . . . and Dean Thomas, who designed the scenery and props.
(The three boys enter from stage left and bow)
Harry: Lavender Brown, who handled the makeup and assisted with the costumes . . . Parvati Patil, our real 'dressmaker,' who did the costumes . . . and Hormone Grinder, er, Hermione Granger, who wrote much of the production and directed it.
(The three girls, still in their too-tight dresses, enter from stage right, to the accompaniment of whistles and catcalls from the audience)
Ron: We want you lot in the audience with any unsavory ideas to understand one thing. These three lovely witches actually are NOT prostitutes!
Harry: They aren't?
Ron: No, Harry, they aren't. Would any of the gentlemen or ladies like to say something?
Hermione: (Glaring at Harry) Concerning some last minute script changes and adlibs by 'the Judge,' we would indeed!
Lavender: JELLY?
Parvati: BULLDOG PUPPIES?
Hermione: FULLY-GROWN BULLDOGS? MASTIFFS?
Harry: (Appearing somewhat confused) Well, er, ah, ladies, if the dress fits . . .
(Hermione hits Harry on the head with the prop gavel, and all three walk over to Seamus, Neville, and Dean, take their arms, and all six exit the stage)
Hermione: (Re-entering stage) Oh, Ron!
Ron: Er, what, Hermione?
Hermione: Harry was right; you were WAAAAAY off!
(More screams and shrieks from females in the audience)
Hermione: As for you, Harry James Potter, don't feel too proud of yourself!
Harry: (Rubbing his head where he had been hit) Uh, why not, my lovely little slice of pumpkin pie?
Hermione: Because you'll be spending a LOT of time in the immediate future discovering whether or not Professor Snape was correct!
(Hermione exits again to laughter and applause)
Ron: Whoa, Harry! Hermione didn't seem too happy with your performance.
Harry: What do you mean? I've never had any complaints yet!
Ron: No, Harry. I meant about tonight's STAGE performance.
Harry: Well, she'll just have to get over it. Anyway, she doesn't seem to be quite as frosted as that time she slapped me, and for no good reason, I might add!
Ron: HERMIONE slapped YOU! When was that?
Harry: It was early this school year, just before we became a couple. She wanted a donation from me to auction off in some fundraising effort of hers.
Ron: Probably for Spew, wasn't it?
Harry: It's S-P-E-W, Ron. Anyway, I told her that I had nothing of value except for my Firebolt racing broom, and she was NOT getting that. However, it turned out that she wanted some articles of clothing. Why anyone would want any of my clothes, I do not know, and I told her so.
(Shrieks and screams from females in audience)
Ron: What happened?
Harry: She insisted that anything of mine would fetch a nice bid, and she offered to give me a hug if I gave her a tee shirt. So I did, and she hugged me.
Ron: What about the slap?
Harry: I'm getting to it. Then, she asked for one of my neckties, and she promised me a kiss for it. Well, I gave a tie to her, and she gave me a kiss on the cheek.
Ron: Are we getting to the slap?
Harry: It coming right up. I thanked her for giving me a hug for my shirt and a kiss for my necktie. Then, I asked her what I could get for a pair of my boxer shorts, and she gave me . . . a BIG slap!
(Laughter from the audience)
Ron: Oh, I almost forgot. I'm Ron Weasley, and he's Harry Potter.
Harry: And all we did in this production, besides making fools of ourselves on stage, was a bit of writing. We'll end this travesty on a high literary note, with a poem.
Ron: Here goes:
There was a young witch from Nantucket . . .
Harry: No, no, Ron, not that one!
Ron: Oh, yes. You're right, Harry. How about this one:
The trees may kiss the birds on high,
The flowers may kiss the butterfly.
The sparkling wine may kiss the glass,
And you, dear friends, may kiss -
Harry: (quickly covering Ron's mouth with his hand) - us goodbye!
Together: Goodnight, everybody!
(Curtain)
* * *
To be concluded
A/N: In addition to the credit due in earlier chapters to Abbott & Costello and Pigmeat Markham (Ron's concluding four-line poem above is from his Canadian Dime sketch), some readers will recognize bits and pieces, often considerably modified, from comedians such as Groucho Marx, Benny Hill, and Rodney Dangerfield.
The main story is done, but I hope to have an epilogue finished and posted within a week at the latest.