A/N: This chapter kept growing in size, to the point that it had to be split in two. This part will have some material that may be a bit tedious, such as real history (oh, the horror!), but it will have enough naughty laughs to keep it interesting. It will serve as a bridge to the next chapter, where, as promised, Lily and the Marauders will make guest appearances.
Thanks again for the all of the reviews, and please enjoy.
Gryffindor Sixth Year Follies
Chapter 6: Professor Flitwick's Advice & History Lessons
After quickly cleaning up and changing their clothes, Harry and Hermione met up in the Gryffindor common room. It was deserted except for Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil, who were still sitting on the large sofa. Both still had somewhat strange expressions and appeared to be in states of shock. Before either of them could say anything, Hermione spoke.
"We're off to a meeting with Professors McGonagall and Flitwick," Hermione said, "and, we have no idea how long we'll be out. So, don't bother to wait up. Besides," she added, with a wicked little grin, "when we return, we may need to use the sofa for a while!"
They glanced at Hermione, and both sniffed in apparent disapproval at her choice of attire for a late night excursion with a fellow student of a "hot" and male nature.
In fact, Hermione was dressed almost the same as was Harry, and both were wearing loose-fitting jeans and very oversized and bulky hand-knit sweaters of the annual "Molly Weasley Christmas Present" variety.
Harry sensed the wordless exchange between the three girls regarding Hermione's fashion taste, or rather, her implied lack of it, and he spoke up loudly enough for Lavender and Parvati to overhear.
"Hermione, you look great! I always have preferred very large sweaters," he said, "because first, they're more effective in cold weather, as one can have more layers of clothing under them. AND, in the case of beautiful young witches, they have a second great advantage."
All three young women looked at him with puzzled expressions, and Harry continued.
"While very tight sweaters do LOOK nice on the right sorts of girls, very loose ones provide much more room underneath for manual maneuvering!" said Harry, as he reached toward the lower front of Hermione's sweater.
"HARRY POTTER!" Hermione exclaimed, as she swatted his hands away. "Don't even think about it - at least maybe until later!" she added, with a wide smile.
They left the common room to the accompaniment of sighs and moans from Lavender and Parvati.
* * * * *
Just outside the exit, Hermione stopped.
"Harry," she said, "when we get to the Great Hall, do you suppose . . . could you walk with Professor Flitwick . . . while I speak with Professor McGonagall?"
"Uh, sure," answered Harry, a bit puzzled.
They hurried along the hallways and arrived at the entrance to the Great Hall and discovered that it was the Great Hall once again, and that the two teachers were waiting for them.
"Shall we go up to my quarters?" said Professor McGonagall, in a no nonsense voice that was more a declarative sentence than a question.
Hermione smiled at Harry, blushed deeply, and then she joined her Head of House, and they began to make their way to the stairway leading to the upper floors.
"Well, Mr. Potter, it appears that the rumors are true," said Professor Flitwick.
"Er, what rumors, sir?" Harry asked.
"What else but that you and Miss Granger both are together, and, as I just saw, clearly are in love! You do realize that you've broken the hearts of most of the witches in Ravenclaw House, and I suspect, in the rest of the school."
"Ah . . . " Harry tried to speak, but nothing intelligible came out.
"You were about to ask how I confirmed your status, weren't you?" said Professor Flitwick. "It's quite simple; no woman, particularly one as intelligent and pretty as Miss Granger, blushes when she smiles at a man, unless she has very strong positive feelings for him, AND she has very pleasant recent memories of having acted with him on those feelings, or a determination to do so in the very immediate future!"
"You . . . you're correct, sir . . . we are both together and in love!" admitted Harry.
"If I may, Mr. Potter, I'd like to offer a few brief pieces of advice, concerning the care and feeding of relationships with members of what has been erroneously called the 'gentler' sex."
Harry couldn't help but to chuckle, and then a look of unease appeared on his face. Quickly, Professor Flitwick continued.
"Please do not be alarmed, dear boy! Most emphatically, I am NOT trying to give to you a version of 'The Talk,' or any other such rubbish. BUT, I assure you that this advice is quite useful," said the professor, with a twinkle in his eye. "Herewith are 'Professor Flitwick's Six Rules for the Proper Handling of Witches,' presented at no charge, and worth every knut that you're paying for them."
"Rule One is: It is not possible to tell her too often or too much that you love her! A corollary to this is that many relationships founder for the simple and stupid reason that all too frequently, wizards fail to follow Rule One!"
"Rule Two is: Never, EVER, speak aloud the 'C-Word' within earshot of your lover."
"What's that, exactly," Harry asked.
"It's a certain VERY vulgar bit of slang used to refer to a female generally or to that part of her body located centrally and between her legs. Obviously, it begins with a 'c' . . . and it rhymes with 'hunt,' and the less said about it, the better!"
"Oh," said Harry, blushing.
"It must be noted that many females, witches as well as Muggles, are quite irrational regarding this word. While more than just a few of them feel free to use it themselves, when in the company of other females, almost none will tolerate its utterance from the mouth of a male!"
Harry smiled.
"Rule Three also is related to another of the ways in which witches can be quite irrational, and it is: Never, EVER make fun of the size, shape, or any other characteristic of a witch's backside, and most especially of that one belonging to your lover. I believe that earlier tonight you discovered this for yourself!"
"Uh, why are so many young women so touchy about their bums?" asked Harry.
"It's impossible to explain, but if one could interview any ten chosen witches, whom you or I or any other male would regard as having absolutely beautiful, fantastic, and delectable arses, at least nine of them would be certain that theirs was too big or too fat or had some other totally imagined defect," answered Professor Flitwick. "As a smaller sample, consider Miss Granger and your other two fellow housemates. You will admit that all three have extraordinarily attractive behinds, will you not?"
"Well," said Harry, carefully looking ahead at Hermione and Professor McGonagall, to make sure that they were safely out of earshot, "of course, they do, and I see your point. All three were really honked off by my jokes."
"To continue, Rule Four relates to another part of a witch's body, specifically, her breasts, and it applies regardless of what you may have read in books, seen in Muggle films, or heard from fellow wizards, who may claim to be 'experienced' in handling female bodies. Do NOT squeeze, pinch, bite, or otherwise 'manhandle' them, because such does NOT give pleasure or stimulation to a witch. At best, such handling is uncomfortable, and more often, it is painful. In fact, unless and until she indicates otherwise, the best policy is to treat a witch's breasts no more roughly than you would wish for your testicles to be handled."
Involuntarily, Harry winced at this, but he did nod his head in understanding.
"Next, Rule Five probably will not apply to you for a few years, but you should be aware of it. Rule Five is 'the Rule of Seven,' which admittedly sounds vaguely paradoxical, if not slightly wacky. In the event that you ever find yourself trapped by a witch into guessing either her age or her weight, then do the following. Silently, make the most accurate estimate possible, and then subtract seven from it in order to answer her request."
Harry laughed at this, but Professor Flitwick continued.
"If you use a number greater than seven, most witches will know that you're lying, and using a smaller number increases the unacceptable risk that your spoken guess will be higher than the actual figure. Now, common sense must be exercised. Obviously, you will not endear yourself to an eighteen-year-old witch, who looks that age, if you tell her that she looks eleven!"
Harry laughed even louder, earning curious looks from Hermione and Professor McGonagall, who had stopped walking ahead of them. Harry realized that it was because they had arrived at their destination.
Just before they joined the witches, Professor Flitwick spoke quickly. "The sixth and final rule is simplicity itself; from time to time, let her get on top!" and then he winked.
Harry blushed, but he winked back and spoke just as quickly. "Er, so far I haven't had 'to let her' . . . since, er, she seems to prefer it that way!"
"A very wise decision, Mr. Potter! Never argue with a beautiful woman who knows exactly what she wants . . . and how she wants to get it!"
Both wizards laughed heartily, receiving strange looks from the witches, as they joined them and entered the door into Professor McGonagall's office. They continued through a side door and found themselves in a cozy sitting room. Two large easy chairs, each with a small table next to it, flanked a warmly functioning fireplace, and a medium-sized sofa, with a pair of end tables, faced it. The teachers sat in the chairs, leaving the sofa for Harry and Hermione.
Two popping sounds announced the arrival of the house-elves, Dobby and Winky, both of whom held trays with an assortment of drinks and more solid refreshments. The two teachers were presented by Dobby with large glasses and two nearly full bottles, sherry for McGonagall and cognac for Flitwick, in a brandy snifter almost as large as he was.
"What would Miss Hermione Granger and Mr. Harry Potter like to drink?" Dobby requested.
"That hot chocolate looks divine," said Hermione, as she took a large mug from the tray. Dobby placed on her side table a steaming teapot, filled with a magically continuously warmed fresh supply of her drink of choice.
"Well, I don't see any fire whiskey," said Harry, earning an over-the-spectacles reproving look from McGonagall, an outright glare from Hermione, and a chuckle from Flitwick, "so, I guess it'll be butterbeer for me," and he took a large tankard from Dobby's tray. Dobby added a large pitcher of more butterbeer on Harry's side table.
Meanwhile, Winky had stocked all four small tables with plates heaped full of biscuits, small cakes, and other confections.
"Thank you, Dobby, and you too, Winky," said Hermione, and she gave Harry a pointed look.
"Uh, yeah," said Harry, "thanks for the food and drink. Uh, Dobby, how are Winky and you doing?"
As both of them should have expected, Dobby began to get agitated. Winky merely hiccuped, possibly due to her having sampled Harry's butterbeer earlier. However, Dobby began sobbing, blowing his nose, and rubbing his eyes. This was no mean feat, as he did so while balancing the drink tray with one hand, and eventually, he managed to choke out actual words.
"Miss Hermione Granger and Mr. Harry Potter ALWAYS are too kind to Dobby! To think that young witches and wizards as great and powerful as them could be so kind to poor elves as unworthy . . . "
He was interrupted both by a loud hiccup from Winky, and words from Harry.
"Er, ah, that's okay, Dobby," Harry said, "maybe, you should take care of Winky."
"As always, Mr. Harry Potter is as right as he is kind!" Dobby exclaimed, and with a single "pop" both elves disappeared.
The two professors exchanged interested looks, and the group sat sipping their drinks in silence. No more than thirty seconds passed, before Hermione's curiosity got the better of her.
"Professors, why doesn't Hogwarts: A History mention the Sixth Year Entertainment Week of twenty years ago?" asked Hermione.
"Filius," said Professor McGonagall to Flitwick, "you're more conversant with matters of historical fact, with such being a longtime interest of yours, why don't you . . . "
"Of course, Minerva, I'll be happy to explain," he replied. To Hermione, he continued, "there are two different answers to that question, Miss Granger, er . . . Hermione . . . we're in a rather informal and friendly setting, so you don't mind if I call you by your first name, do you," said Professor Flitwick, who then took a sip of his cognac.
"Not at all, Professor," giving him a wide smile and blushing.
Upon seeing Hermione's face, the small professor began to choke on his drink. Harry started to laugh, but with a mouth full of butterbeer, he landed in the same predicament as Professor Flitwick.
"What . . . what did I say that's so funny?" Hermione demanded.
Professor McGonagall looked from one wizard to the other, and shrugged. With an uncharacteristic grin, she said, "Miss Granger . . . Hermione, always you must bear in mind that wizards, as well as Muggle males, suffer from both chromosomal and hormonal abnormalities!"
Hermione laughed out loud, and she looked first at Flitwick and then at Harry, and her smile widened AND her blush deepened. This provoked the two wizards into renewed coughing spasms.
"Obviously, this includes," McGonagall continued, "such male 'subspecies' as 'Handsome-But-Sometimes-Irresponsible-Growing-Teenagers' and 'VERY-Dirty-Old-Goats' among many others."
That said, she tried to glare at Harry and Flitwick, but was unsuccessful, and she joined Hermione in her laughter.
Finally, Harry recovered enough to talk. "It's nothing important. It was a private joke between Professor Flitwick and me about the significance of, er, smart and beautiful women smiling and blushing at the same time."
"Indeed," said Professor Flitwick, finally able to speak, "I informed Harry that such a combined phenomenon generally indicates rather intense feelings of love on the part of the witch. When Miss Granger, I mean, when Hermione did so while looking at ME, well, I . . . "
"Oh," said Hermione and Professor McGonagall simultaneously. Unfortunately, next both of them smiled broadly AND blushed, which set off again the involuntary reactions of Harry and Professor Flitwick.
The two men got over their combined choking and laughter, and Professor Flitwick spoke again, "well, what else could we talk about, given the obvious fact that you two women undoubtedly were discussing young Harry's virtues and shortcomings?"
Hermione couldn't resist, "well, we WERE talking about Harry . . . and his . . . virtues, but certainly it was not about anything SHORT!"
Harry, who was grinning, broke out in a huge blush, which, of course, set the two women into rather loud giggling fits.
Eventually, things settled down enough that it was safe both for the group to resume sipping their drinks and for Professor Flitwick to answer Hermione's question.
"Regarding your question, Hermione, there are two answers; one is simple and to the point, and the other is much more complicated. The short answer is that the entertainment of twenty years past neither restored nor continued an ongoing long tradition of significance. It was a one-time-only occurrence, and apparently was regarded as of minimal importance by the authors of the book."
"As you may have read, there were such entertainment weeks in the past, but the only actual consecutive series of them as annual events ran from February of 1806 through the same month of 1916, one hundred and eleven years, to be precise. In this situation, that interesting number has NO general magical or specific arithmantical significance at all, I assure you. The reason for those exact dates leads us to the second and more complicated answer to your question."
"A dirty little secret of the magical world is that far too few wizards and witches have any appreciation for or knowledge of the importance that historical events in the Muggle world have played in ours. Unfortunately, this includes magical folk who should know better, such as authors of decidedly incomplete histories. The two of you, given your backgrounds, probably are far more aware of this than are most of your fellow students, or even most of your teachers, for that matter. Can either of you recall a most significant historical event in British history in 1805, the year immediately prior to inauguration of the Entertainment Week?"
Without hesitation, Hermione said, "the Battle of Trafalgar Cape?"
"Yes! Very good, Hermione," said Professor Flitwick. "Very few people today, magical or Muggle, can appreciate the electrifying effect of that naval victory on the British nation. Some background history of the time, while possibly tedious, is necessary to understand the situation."
"As the nineteenth century dawned, the second of the two European wars stemming from the French Revolution was ending. Every member of the Second Coalition had been knocked out of the war against France, except for Britain. In 1802, those two remaining nations signed the Treaty of Amiens, but as in so many cases where great nations have different goals, the peace didn't last very long. In 1803, the War of the Third Coalition began, albeit with little action for two years. Very shortly, no longer was Napoleon Bonaparte merely a capable and troublesome enemy general. Rather, he was the newly crowned Emperor of France, its political Head of State, as well as the leader of its military forces. Napoleon gathered a very large army at Boulogne, on the English Channel near Calais, in preparation for an invasion of England. Most important of the new developments, at least in a military sense, was Spain's alliance with France, as their combined fleet was greater than that of Britain. Of course, the British Navy's control of the seas was all that prevented Napoleon from executing his planned invasion and conquest of the British Isles. It simply could not dare to suffer a serious defeat."
"On October 21, 1805, off the southern coast of Spain, a British force under Admiral Lord Nelson engaged a larger French and Spanish fleet, and the British won a resounding victory, although the Great Admiral suffered a mortal wound. Now, keep in mind that only a little over two decades earlier, in 1781, French naval forces had sealed the success of the American Revolution in the battle of the Chesapeake Capes, by preventing a British fleet from reinforcing and supplying Lord Cornwallis's army at Yorktown. Eventually he surrendered, ending the land war in America."
"British and French naval forces continued to fight each other elsewhere in the world, both following Lord Cornwallis's surrender in the colonies and later, during the two French Revolutionary Wars. Nelson won the Battle of the Nile River, in 1798, during Napoleon's bizarre excursion to Egypt. It was significant enough to cause its victor to be made 'Baron Nelson of the Nile,' but most of the naval battles prior to Trafalgar either were smaller affairs or were rather indecisive engagements. In short, the mythical British mastery of the seas had been stoutly contested by France and others over the previous couple of decades."
"Trafalgar was important for several reasons, some of immediate effect, and others more long term. It was the last major naval battle between sailing ships, and it marked the beginning of the end of a very long era. Also, it finally established unquestionable British supremacy on the seas for a century. Ironically, while it was thought at the time to have prevented a French invasion of England, Napoleon's army actually had departed the Channel Coast well before the battle! The Little Emperor and La Grande Armee already had headed immediately for the southern part of what today is Germany, and eventually into a very bloody ten years of European history."
"To cut this boring dissertation short, as I noted earlier, the British reaction to Trafalgar was immense. The entire nation went more than a bit crazy in celebration, and when Hogwarts students of Muggle backgrounds received the news, at the latest over the winter holidays, they determined to bring the celebration to the school. Thus, the Sixth Year Entertainment Week became established."
Everyone took a break, drank and ate, and digested Flitwick's answer.
"But, why did it end after 1916, Professor?" Hermione asked.
"Well, can either of you recall what occurred that year?"
"It was in the middle of the Great War, of course," said Hermione.
"Yes, but something more specific happened," answered Professor Flitwick.
Surprisingly, it was Harry who responded. "I bet that it was because of two of the longest and bloodiest battles in history, Verdun and the Somme."
"Oh my, that is splendid, Harry! You are correct in the greater sense, but it was the Somme River that was somewhat more important, and one additional new thing that occurred," said Professor Flitwick.
Both Hermione and Professor McGonagall stared in shock at Harry.
In explanation, he mumbled something about filling his time during the summer by reading some of his Aunt Petunia's old school texts, as well as his cousin Dudley's current ones, and they returned their attention to Professor Flitwick.
"On the western front, for the first few months of the Great War, in 1914, nothing much happened, excepting a lot of maneuvering by huge armies, and the exposures of the faulty grand strategies of both the Germans and the French. On the eastern, Italian, and Turkish fronts, serious mass casualties were beginning to occur, but neither the British nor the French really paid much attention to those theaters. They were grateful, I'm sure, that a lot of Russians, Italians, Serbs, and others were giving their lives in tying up large German and Austrian armies. However, the effects on Britain in general and on Hogwarts in particular were negligible."
"Things began to change in 1915. The western front trenches had established an effective stalemate, which everyone realized, save the politicians and senior military on all sides. Poison gas was used for the first time at Ypres, in April, and casualties began to increase alarmingly. A half century earlier, during the American Civil War, it had been established that advantage in battle had passed decisively to the defense. The combination of rifles, as opposed to older smoothbore muskets, and defensive positions, whether actual earthen trenches or improvised breastworks, required on average an offensive force three times the size of the defenders in order for an attack to succeed. Now, the nincompoop generals all knew this, and when one added machine guns and modern, quick-firing artillery, which actually accounted for most casualties, they should have realized that massed infantry attacks would result only in massive quantities of wounded and dead soldiers, as the cost for very little if any actual ground gained."
"By the end of 1915, the abortive Commonwealth and French eight-month-long attempt at Gallipoli to seize the Dardanelles from Turkey was abandoned, and the soldiers were being evacuated. A quarter of a million of the unsuccessful invaders, more than half of all involved, had been killed or wounded. The defending Turkish forces suffered terribly, as well. Still, the effects of the Great War of our school were minimal. A few former students, less than half a dozen, had been hurt or killed. However, quite a few more Muggle-born students had lost siblings and close relatives. Nevertheless, the 1916 Entertainment Week was felt to be a worthwhile brief escape both from schoolwork and from the greater world madness."
With a nod to Harry, the professor continued. "We come now to 1916. On February 21, actually during our Entertainment Week, the battle of Verdun commenced. It would last for ten months, with some breaks in the action, and it would become the single longest engagement of the Great War. When it ended on December 18, just very slightly under one million French and German soldiers had been killed or wounded. The battle of the Somme River began much later than Verdun, on June 24, or July 1, depending upon whether one dates it from the preparatory artillery barrage, or from when the poor infantrymen began their attack. It ended a month earlier, on November 18. However, in less than half of the duration of Verdun, even more casualties were incurred. Almost 1.3 million men were killed or wounded. Roughly half were German, but 420,000 were British. In fact, at the battle's start, over 57,000 British casualties were suffered on a single day, the bloodiest in our history!"
"Needless to say, excepting only some of the more aloof members of Slytherin House, by the end of the year, everyone at Hogwarts had been affected in some manner by the war. Even those from magical backgrounds, who had suffered no personal familial loss, were appalled at the mass slaughter that the war had become. Almost no one felt like having ANY sort of diversionary 'entertainment' by the time February 1917 arrived. Additionally, early in that year, when plans would have been underway for the entertainment shows, the supply of eager and patriotic Muggle volunteers to man the trenches had begun to dry up. Conscription arrived in Britain, and with it came the certainty that many more former Hogwarts students, like it or not, would find themselves embroiled in the insanity on the continent."
"Thus ended a century-long tradition at Hogwarts," the professor finished.
Everyone in the room was silent for while. Hermione was visibly moved, and Harry reached over and squeezed her hand. She smiled at him and broke the silence.
"Professor Flitwick, how can so many people, especially the political leaders, have been so . . . so callously and unforgivably stupid for so long? I mean, the Great War was barely touched on in my Muggle school, without any real detail, and . . . "
"Hermione," the professor interrupted, in a soft voice, "I believe that you know the answer to your question. Unfortunately, at the times of tragedies, the current politicians never have the benefit of hindsight. Some of them may not have been, at least in their own minds, as evil or as foolish as they seem retrospectively. However, you might ponder an undeniable historical truth, to wit, almost always, the term 'stupid politician' is unnecessarily redundant! For contemporary proof of this, consider our own Ministry of Magic and its idiot head, Mr. Fudge. Be honest, and admit that if he were any less intelligent, he would require but a weekly watering to remain alive and healthy!"
Everyone smiled, and Professor Flitwick went on, "well, I've talked too long and undoubtedly, I've bored all of you nearly to death. Minerva, I believe that it's your turn to enlighten our guests as to the real subject of this evening's gathering, which definitely will be about more pleasant events."
"Yes," said Professor McGonagall, "it's time to talk about Harry's parents, Lily and James, about their best friend, Sirius Black, and finally, about the mysterious Sixth Year Entertainment Week of twenty years ago.
To be continued
A/N: I hope this wasn't too boring, and I promise that the next chapter definitely will be funnier and naughtier.