Chapter Eleven: Breathe
(Chapter's Song: 'World on Fire' by Sarah McLachlan)
I blew my grown out fringe away from my face and glanced down at my notebook. Since I didn't have any more classes for the rest of the day, I'd decided to pop down to the Great Hall for some afternoon tea while I caught up on some work. But of course, I ended up doing a free-association in my handy-dandy notebook, which led to writing something.
Colourful words, a piece of wood and a thirst for sports on broomstick
You think that you belong to a world of heritage and tradition
Everything you touch is infused with something so foreign yet so familiar:
Magic is everywhere you look, giving life and character and charisma
But then you go home and no one understands
There is no such thing as ghosts or talking portraits, poltergeists or moving staircases
So you sit on the fence, never quite belonging
In one world, you don't have the ancestry
In the other, you feel bored and out of touch
Names and insults are flung and suddenly you're a 'freak' or a 'Mudblood'
You don't understand why you're hated
All you ever did was breathe
Hmm… A little more depressing than I thought that it'd be, but oh well. I twisted my torso, sighing in relief at the feeling of cracking bones.
I rested my chin on my palm, absentmindedly popping grapes into my mouth while I surveyed the scene in front of me: the Great Hall was scattered with small groups or lone persons from each house from both sixth and seventh year, busily studying or catching up with each other.
I watched a group of Ravenclaws with a bunch of Hufflepuffs mixed in working diligently, my friend Trent leading the group while his twin brother Troy made faces behind his back. Three Slytherins sat with their heads together on the opposite side of the hall, gesturing at a piece of parchment between them. And me, I'm the only sixth year Gryffindor, with the seventh year Alessandra Muvinoff sitting a couple of seats away from me, twisting a lock of her long dark hair around her finger while reading out of a large and altogether intimidating textbook.
The doors suddenly opened and large groups of people began coming into the Great Hall looking for some tea and an afternoon snack, signaling the end of the school day. I spotted Nate among the crowd looking harassed and thoroughly exhausted. His gaze swept over the students in the room before coming to rest on me. He smiled and began walking towards the Gryffindor table, dropping his bag at his feet and straddling the bench.
"Hi," he said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and looking more relaxed. He leaned forward and kissed me in greeting. I shifted on the bench and pressed myself closer to him, tangling my hands in his hair and sighing into his kiss.
He slowly pulled away and rested his forehead against mine, his hands dropping to a relaxed position around my waist. "Hey," I said softly. "Are you okay? You seem a little stressed out and like you need a good massage or something."
Nate smiled and nuzzled my neck. "I'm fine. I just had to deal with a bunch of lower year Hufflepuffs who thought that it'd be funny to make people magnetic if and when they entered the entrance hall. It was a mess of watches and belts and pieces of suits of god damn armor."
I grinned. "What'd you do, O great and responsible Head Boy?"
"Gave them a couple of detentions each. Oh, and you'll never guess what they said when I asked them what made them do it."
"Enlighten me," I said, pulling away to take a sip of my tea.
"They said that they were trying to be the next group of Marauders," said Nate, with laughter in his eyes.
"Shut up!" I said. The tea that I had just sipped spilled out of my mouth in my haste to speak.
Nate grinned at me. "Lily, what am I ever going to do with you?" he said, wiping at my chin with his handkerchief.
"I don't know. That entirely depends…"
"On what, pray tell?"
"On my behavior," I said mischievously.
"Well I do believe that you've been bad. Very, very bad," said Nate huskily. He brushed his lips ever so slightly against mine, but pulled away before I could deepen the kiss.
"You're an arse," I huffed, turning away from him. I crossed my legs and leaned forward on the table, resting my weight on my elbows.
"Lily-" laughed Nate.
"Oh my god, this day couldn't have possibly gone by any slower," said Kate, dropping her bag on the table and plopping down on the bench across from me.
I grinned. "Your own fault for deciding to continue with Ancient Runes. Kate!" I said, snatching her hand away from the teapot. "What the bloody fuck did you do with your hands? You've maimed yourself!"
"Oh tosh," said Kate, waving her hand at me. "It was a lecture class and I got bored since I knew it all already, so I used my ink to paint my nails. I quite like it, actually, so piss off."
"Someone's in a bad mood," said Nate lightly, taking my notebook out of my hands.
"Hey!" I said in protest.
"Not everyone's so bloody happy," mumbled Kate.
"'Not everyone's so bloody happy'," I mimicked obnoxiously.
Kate stuck her tongue out at me and I threw a roll at her face.
"Lily darling, is this how you really feel?" asked Nate, looking up from the pages.
"Oh," I said softly. I blushed and busied myself by pretending to search for my quill in my bag. "Yeah, sometimes. It's really not that important… Really Nate, think nothing of it, you don't have to worry or anything, I'm not suicidal, you know… Just don't mind it."
Nate stared at me, flabbergasted.
"Oh, give it here," said Kate, snatching my precious notebook out of my boyfriend's hands.
"Lily, don't take it the wrong way! I only meant that it's… it's good. You've conveyed so much feeling, so much emotion, it's just… I can't… Whoa. Kate," he said, whirling around to face her. "Don't you think that she should start some kind of…of literary magazine or something? It'd be brilliant. The writers of Hogwarts can emerge from their coffee-and-cigarette secret lairs and show off their stuff."
"Are you mad?" I exclaimed. "There is no way that I have the time or the resources for any of that! And really, I'm not that good. Rubbish is all it is, really…"
Kate stared at me. "Bullocks, Lily. It's great good stuff and you know it. I agree with Natie here, anyway. You should totally do it."
"Yes! I can talk to Dumbledore and McGonagall about it, possibly help you get started, you know? We could post flyers and the like on the common room bulletin boards," said Nate.
"It's fantastic!"
I looked at my best friend and my boyfriend in utter disbelief. "The lot of you truly has gone mad," I said, shaking my head. I took my notebook back and safely put it into my bag before anyone else took it and got some crazy notions into their grey matter.
"Oi, Alessandra!" called Nate.
"Oh my god, Nate shut up!" I said, my ears starting to burn.
"Lily!" squealed Kate quietly.
"Hullo," said Alessandra, coming to sit down beside Kate. "What's on your mind?"
"Er-" stammered Kate.
"Alessandra, don't you think that Lily should start a literary magazine or something of the sort? Aren't you ever curious to see what her and all of those others are always scribbling furiously at?" asked Nate, throwing his arm around my shoulders.
"It's really nothing," I muttered, shooting a glance at Kate for help.
Alessandra looked at me thoughtfully and I blushed. "You know Evans, Nate does have a point. Ever since Vance made a copy of that poem that you wrote about music, I've always wondered what hides in that notebook of yours," she said slowly after careful scrutiny.
"Er, thank you," I said.
"Thanks, Alessandra," said Nate.
"No problem. Oh, and can you tell Chase to come and find me? He, er, left something," said Alessandra.
Nate nodded. "Of course."
"Right." Alessandra got up and went back to her monstrosity of a textbook.
"See Lily?" said Nate triumphantly. "We're not the only ones who think that you should do it."
I sighed. "Fine, I'll think about it. I guess that I'll let you know… next week? Does that sound good? I just need some time to mull it over and sort it all out in my head."
"Ford! I have been looking everywhere for you. Oh, hello. Evans, von Strassberg," said Claire, striding up to the table.
Kate and I nodded in turn. "You," said Claire, "and I have to write those stupid reports for the bloody newsletter. We've been putting it off for too long and now Dumbledore wants the rough drafts on his desk by six this evening."
"Oh, right. Well, duty calls, I'll see you two later. And Lily, please do consider it. Just think about how good it will look on your transcript," he said. He kissed me hurriedly, tossed a good bye at Kate and ran after Claire.
"Ugh, he's so evil! He knows that I can't resist the transcript thing. Extra curriculars and leadership roles are always good," I whined.
"Lily, come on. I need to talk to you. Outside the Great Hall," said Kate, getting up.
I quickly grabbed two crumpets and followed Kate out of the room. Once we were halfway up the main staircase, we turned to each other and squealed.
"Oh my god! I can't believe that Alessandra Muvinoff was talking to us! Us!" said Kate excitedly.
"I know!" I gushed. "God, why is she so pretty? It's so not fair. Oh my god, Kavs, we are so weird."
Kate shrugged. "It's just a completely normal, completely harmless heterosexual girl-crush. People have them all the time. Of course, I'd totally jump her if I was a lesbian, but that's beside the point."
"We're so bad," I laughed, linking arms with Kate.
"Alright, I'm heading up to bed. I'm way too tired and all of the words are blurring together," said Sophie, tossing all of her stuff haphazardly into her bag.
"What time is it?"
"Almost half-ten."
"I'm actually going to go on up with you," said Kate. "You know, Grace is probably doing coke lines in her dreams or something by now."
"Where did that come from?" I asked, crossing something out in my essay.
Kate shrugged. "Just felt like saying it."
"It's probably just a secret fantasy of hers. You know, doing coke lines off of Seth's washboard abs while he talks dirty to her," said Georgie, wiggling her eyebrows.
"You've caught me red handed," said Kate, sighing in mock defeat. "See you lot later."
"Night," chorused Georgie and I.
"Just remember, crack is whack and no glove, no love!" I called.
Kate snorted and gave me the finger over her shoulder.
"So," I said, drawing out the syllable. "How's Reade Harrowing, our favorite gorgeous Slytherin?"
"Lily, I slept with him," said Georgie quickly, not meeting my eyes.
I dropped my quill while my brain tried to process this information. "Oh." I furrowed my brow. "Georgie, what the fuck is wrong with you? You've only gone out with him once! And from what I saw at the Three Broomsticks on Saturday, it wasn't exactly the happiest of dates."
"Actually, I've- we've- er… Maybe-maybe you should, er, lean back a little, Lil. Heh, that sounds funny. A little… Lil. Lily, sorry, sorry, I know how you hate 'Lil'. Ha," said Georgie nervously.
I slammed back against the wall (bad, bad idea), folded my arms across my chest and looked at Georgie expectantly. "I hope that the next thing that comes out of your mouth doesn't make you sound like a floozy."
Georgie raised her eyebrows and then her eyes narrowed. "Lily, you have no right to say that. I haven't told anyone yet and I wanted to tell you before anyone else."
"Well then please, redeem yourself. No one's holding you back," I said a little coldly. Georgie and I both winced at the tone of my voice, but I didn't apologize for it.
"Lily, Reade and I have been seeing each other for a little under a year."
Well then. I opened my mouth in protest.
"No, wait. Before you say anything, just hear me out. Reade and I started hooking up around April of last year. It really just started out as snogging whenever we could, which is why I didn't tell anyone. I didn't know where we were going with this relationship, so I didn't want to say anything because a relationship might not have even existed. It was just, you know, a nice little benefit. And it was extra nice since I have that Slytherin fetish… Or bad boys in general, but that's beside the point. Anyway, it started getting a little more serious towards the end of August and we decided to pretty much go public with it on Saturday. Anyway," said Georgie nervously, "that's my story."
I nodded and looked down, thinking for a minute. I bit my lip and began twirling a piece of hair around my fingers. One of my best friends has been sneaking around with a boy, a Slytherin no less, for almost a year. And I had no bloody clue.
"Lily, please say something," pleaded Georgie, taking my hand.
"Are you happy, G? And does Connor know anything about this? Emma?" I said, looking into her eyes.
She grinned and threw her arms around me. "Oh Lily, I don't know what I would've done if you had stormed off! But yes, I am happy. I mean, I'm pretty sure that we're not in it for the long run, but I'm perfectly happy for right now, you know? And god, do you think that I'd tell Connor? He'll go all crazy-protective-big-brother on Reade like he's done for all of my other boyfriends. And Emmaline, no, I haven't told her yet but I think that she suspects that I have a boyfriend, she just doesn't know who."
"And no one else knows about this except for you, me and Harrowing?"
"Erm," squirmed Georgie, leaning against the wall next to me.
"Georgina?"
"Remus knows," she mumbled.
"What? You told him before you told me or Kate?" I shrieked.
"Shut up," she hissed. "Remus caught us snogging in the trophy room last May. I swore him to secrecy under penalty of castration and obviously, he's kept his word."
"When did this happen? I mean, when did you, er, you know…" I said.
"Sunday afternoon," said Georgie, blushing prettily. "We were in the eastern tower together and with the rain coming down and everything, it was just so perfect and so romantic."
I grinned and hugged her tightly. "G, I'm so happy for you! I honestly, truly am."
Georgie grinned. "Thank you," she said, and hugged me back. "Anyway, I'm going to head on upstairs. I just wanted to tell you."
"Are you going to tell Kate? Or everyone else, for that matter? And come to think of it, I never saw you once on Sunday. Sneaky girl," I said.
"Er, I'm going to tell Kate tomorrow, but I think that I'll hold off a bit on the general announcement," said Georgie.
"Alright. In the meantime, I won't tell anyone, I promise. Oh, I'm so excited! Especially since Reade is like the only nice Slytherin. Not to mention god damn sexy. Oh, you're such a hot couple!" I squealed, clapping my hands together. "Oooh, I can just see it now. The two of you will live in a huge castle in Ireland with your gorgeous dark-brown haired children running around wearing matching Asprey sailing outfits," I said dreamily.
Georgie grinned. "G'night, you crazy buffoon."
After Georgie left, I slowly stretched out my legs and winced when my knees cracked.
I sat on the floor in complete silence, just staring at my toes and the whales on my flip flops, thinking about Georgie and her sudden-but-not-really relationship. I'm not really sure how I feel about this new development. I mean, I'm most definitely happy that she's happy and that she has a boyfriend, but I can't help but worry that she's going to get drastically hurt later on down the road. I know for a fact that Georgie doesn't really handle rejection and pain that easily. I closed my eyes, remembering what happens whenever Georgie breaks up with a boyfriend, no matter who did it. There will always be the phase where she blames herself and is depressed (lasts for approximately a day), then there's her gorging phase (2 hours of serious eating [zabaglione] that ends up with her violently throwing up exactly four times) and then it ends with Georgie denouncing boys for life and claiming to go lesbian, until she sees someone hot (Fabian Prewett) and goes back to her normal self. Kate and I are always torn between finding the cycle insanely hilarious or just downright insane.
"You know Lily, it's really not a very good idea to sleep in the common room," said a voice somewhere above my head.
I cracked an eye open and found all four Gryffindor sixth year boys standing above me. "I wasn't sleeping. I was just thinking."
"Sure you were," said Peter brightly, sitting down on a chair nearby.
"Did you lot just come from the kitchens?" I asked, eyeing Peter's sandwich hungrily.
"Sirius and I did. The other two were off at detention," said Peter.
"Really?" I said, raising my eyebrows in disbelief. Remus and not Sirius? Interesting… "What for?"
"Throwing a book out of the Astronomy Tower," said Remus.
"Teaching first years how to magically graffiti the walls," said James.
"I'm not even going to ask…" I stood from my spot on the floor and then curled up in a red and squashy armchair, resting my head against the back.
"What's with the hair, Lily?" asked Remus, eyeing the precarious knot that it's been in all day.
I rolled my eyes. "I ran out of conditioner yesterday and forgot to replace it, so I wasn't able to brush my hair without severe pain. I ended up putting it into a bun to just do away with it all. Sometimes, I really just want to shave my head and be done with it."
"I tried that once," said Peter sympathetically. "Then I realized that I didn't like the shape of my head at all and that I looked like a gypsy, so I charmed my hair back."
I frowned. "We don't have gypsies in England."
"Wizarding gypsies. They're creepy things, really. Short, deathly pale, bald with round heads and huge eyes that have no whites in them," said James. "What are you doing down here?"
I shuddered at the image in my mind. "Hm? Oh, I was doing homework with the girls, but they all ditched me for sleep."
"Well, I'm going to follow that notion. Sinistra wants me up there again to scrub the windows before breakfast. I swear, she just keeps me up there to 'discretely' watch me clean," said Remus, getting up and stretching.
"I heard that someone caught her snogging pretty boy Diggory in the Library, so I wouldn't be surprised," said Sirius.
I shook my head. "No, that was Vector."
"Since when did the Hogwarts professors get so lascivious?" asked Peter.
"Big word, Pete," said James, earning a shrug from Peter.
"No idea. But I definitely wouldn't turn down a snog if Knight asked me," I said dreamily.
"Lily, he must be twice your age!" said Remus, wrinkling his nose.
"Oh please. He's a sexy old man. Everyone knows it. Now, away with you!"
"As you wish, my lady," said Remus, bowing.
"You really think that Professor Knight's attractive?" asked Sirius.
"Oh yeah. Definitely. He's got to be what, in his late 30s? Early 40s? From what I can tell, he isn't flabby and gross like most men his age and you can totally tell that he was a looker when he was younger."
"Come to think of it, I do believe that I've seen him in the training room when we have Quidditch practices in there for strength building," said James, propping his feet up on Sirius's lap.
"Pete, can I have a bite of that?" asked Sirius, holding his hand out.
"Here, you can finish it. I've still got those Transfiguration questions to do," said Peter. "Oh bugger, I have two pages of Arithmancy to complete as well. I really don't know why I bother doing the work, it's not like they check up on it anyway."
"Minnie's assignment was a piece of cake. You'll breeze right through it, Wormtail," said James, slapping Peter on the back.
"And you can always go down on Vector if you need to," said Sirius evilly.
Peter laughed. "I'll keep that in mind. It might come in handy at one point… Good night then."
"Night," we chorused.
I languidly situated myself more comfortably in the chair and stared out the window, watching the clouds. I now have three and a half days until the meeting that could potentially change my life and I still have no idea about what's going to happen during it or what's going to happen to me after I walk out of that building. Or rundown and decrepit log cabin or something. I swear, all of the really important wizarding buildings are disguised as shitty hole-in-the-walls to keep the occasional Muggle out. You know, I just thought of something. Since Hogwarts has a million spells cast on it to keep it from being detected or plotted or seen by Muggles, what are Daddy and Gran supposed to do during graduation next year? Or all of the Muggle families, for that matter? Hmmm, I must ask Dumbledore about it when I get the chance.
Anyway, what about that literary magazine idea? I'm not gonna lie-it does have its benefits and I won't have to write everything. Just…edit and manage it. Plus it would look really good on my résumé. I mean, I know that I pretty much already have a job lined up for when I graduate, but just incase… It never hurts, you know? And besides, it'll be fun. I'll get to talk to people that I probably wouldn't normally talk to and the writers of the school would get a chance to show off their work. Really, it's a win-win situation. Nate's brilliant.
"Let's go outside!" said James all of a sudden.
"Eh?"
"Yeah, we could go on the roof of the tower," agreed Sirius.
"There's a roof for the tower?" I repeated.
"Of course," said James. He and Sirius walked over to my chair and pulled me up. "Come, come! It'll be fun."
I scrunched my face up. "But it's cold outside. And I'm too tired. And lazy. And did I mention cold?" I whined as the boys dragged me over to a bookshelf.
"Lily my dear, please don't make that face. It might just get stuck," said Sirius distractedly. He pulled three specific books about 4 centimeters towards him and stepped back. The bookcase slid aside to reveal a narrow staircase and he grinned at me. "Ladies first."
"How the hell did you figure out how to do this?" I asked, beginning the ascent.
"A Marauder must always have his secrets," said James. "Classified information."
I rolled my eyes. "I see. And just so you know, I'm only going to stay out until half-twelve, the latest. After that, I'm going to bed."
"Just start walking, Evans," said James.
I looked up ahead of me and was discouraged at the seemingly endless amount of stairs. The only hint of an exit in the dimly lit corridor was the constant draft that fluttered our hair and the faint sound of wind whistling through the trees in the distance.
There's something about this stairwell that's eerie and romantic. Just imagine the late night rendezvous that must have taken place here or someone who must have had to use these stairs to escape in some untold story of Hogwarts's timeless history. Faint footprints in the thin layer of dust were visible in the muted lighting which came from somewhere far above our heads. I wonder who they belong to. James, perhaps? He seems like the type who would go to this rooftop haven during an insomnia-filled night.
At last, a thin and weathered wooden door came into my line of vision just as my legs started cramping from the long climb. Never underestimate the heights of Hogwarts's towers. "This is the door, right?" I asked over my shoulder.
James, who was behind me, nodded as he brushed his fringe out of his eyes. "Are you ready? I think that you'll enjoy what you find. I have a feeling that it will become something of a sanctuary to you," he said, and smiled at me.
The corners of my lips rose and I turned back around to face the door. I twisted the ornate copper handle and pushed the scratched, old wooden door open to reveal a circular space with several wooden lawn chairs situated around a low table made of the same material. I walked further into the rooftop and my breath caught in my throat. I had a 360-degree panoramic view of the grounds of Hogwarts at my disposal. The hazy outlines of the Scottish mountains could be seen on the horizon as well as the country's rolling and lush green hills. And if you look closely, just right there, you could see the twinkling lights of Hogsmeade. I sat down in one of the chairs and stared up at the sky. If the clouds weren't there, the velvety black sky would've been dotted and scarred with stars that told stories of the past, present and future. I hugged myself and closed my eyes, breathing in deeply.
"How do you like it?" asked Sirius.
"It's perfect," I breathed, my lips curving up into the smile that I use whenever I see something especially pleasing. I opened my eyes and saw that James and Sirius had transfigured their handkerchiefs into fleece blankets and wrapped themselves in them. I accepted the blanket that Sirius held out to me and changed the material into a buttery cashmere before wrapping it around my shoulders.
"We, well, Remus discovered this place back in third year, but we don't really come up here that often. It's too risky to get to the entrance during the day since there are usually so many people around the common room. But sometimes I like to come up here at night, you know? Just to appreciate nature and all that stuff," said James.
"I had a feeling that you would be the one to visit more than the others," I said.
"What makes you say that?" asked James.
I shrugged. "I just get this feeling that there's more to you than you let on. There's something about you that's poetic and inspiring, and I feel like you going to a place like this recharges those qualities. This place has a quiet vibrancy, which sometimes I can see in you."
I looked at James and lost myself in his eyes again. They shone with life and energy tonight, almost glowing in the darkness. Blue flirted with green and swirled around gold in his irises, always changing and never staying still. Just like James, his eyes were always alive and alight and deep and mysterious all at once.
"Guys mind if I smoke?" ask Sirius, breaking the spell.
James and I turned our heads to Sirius, who held up his pack. "No, go ahead. But only one, Padfoot," warned James.
"Yes, mother," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. He cupped his hand around the small flame of his freshly lit match and concentrated on lighting the end of his cigarette.
"So James, tell me about your family. I know nothing about them," I said, leaning back into the chair.
James shrugged. "Nothing really to say. Both of my parents work in the Ministry. My dad is an officer in the Department of International Magical Cooperation and my mum works in Magical Law Enforcement, but she works pretty closely with my dad's department, so they usually end up working on the same case."
"And you don't have any siblings?" I asked.
James and Sirius shared a glance. "You're looking at him," said Sirius, grinning.
I grinned. "You know, if I didn't know any better, I really would think that the two of you are brothers. It's really hard to imagine one of you without the other. And you know, James, I can't imagine what it would've been like at your house if there were two of you. God, can you just imagine that? It'd be utter chaos."
"Er," said James quietly. He looked at Sirius again and ran his hand through his hair.
I narrowed my eyes. "Is there something that you're not telling me?" I asked, immediately recognizing James's sign of discomfort.
"Tell her, Prongs. She's going to find out one way or another," said Sirius, when James looked at him again.
"James?" I prompted, looking from one boy to the other.
"There were two of us running around my house when we were little," confessed James, ruffling his hair again. He gaze wandered to the mountains in the distance and he opened his mouth again. "His name was Logan. He was three years younger than me," he said quietly.
I wordlessly went to sit next to James and comfortingly patted his knee.
"Logan was my best mate, until I met Sirius," he continued. The misty look in his eyes told me that he was off reliving the past and sharing a part of him with me. "His very first word was 'Jam,' which was his name for me. My parents thought that he was talking about raspberry preserves or something, but Logan always tugged on my hair whenever he said it. We got into all sorts of trouble together, the two of us. We had this Kneazle, it was white and orange and was given to Logan as a present when he was born. I named her Kneazy when I was around 4 since Logan obviously couldn't talk yet when we got her. Anyway, Kneazy, Logan and I used to explore our house during every waking minute. I had to carry Logan around at first since Mum didn't want him to be crawling all over the house, but she wanted us to bond and learn together, so she always had us bring a house-elf wherever we went. There was this one time when Logan was 3 and he had put Kneazy into this crystal vase that my mum has in her office. Kneazy went in easily but then she couldn't get out and we spent the entire day walking around with Kneazy in the vase and holding things up to the crystal so that she could see whatever we found.
"Then, one day, I went into the nursery to wake Logan up and show him the toy broomstick that my dad had gotten for me, but he wouldn't wake up. I shook him and yelled into his ear and begged him to wake up, but he never moved. My mum found me ten minutes later crying in Logan's bed, with my little brother's icy hand clenched in mine. I was six years old and he was only three, about to turn four," said James. Now Sirius was on his other side and put his arm around James's shoulders.
"The damn Healers never found the heart murmur that he was apparently born with. He died because of those fucking doctors who couldn't do their fucking jobs properly," said James bitterly, his hands clenching into fists in his lap.
"Oh James, I'm so sorry," I whispered. I leaned over and hugged him tightly, letting him know that I understand exactly how he must've felt. After all, I did lose someone that I love dearly too.
I felt a brief tingle when my hands touched the bare skin of his neck, and suddenly an image of two little boys running across a garden flashed through my mind. Suddenly, I remembered that night when James was in my room and I saw those images… They must've been James's memories. How the fuck did I do that? And most importantly, how did I forget that it happened?
James squeezed me back and then reached out and brought Sirius into the hug as well. "The two of you are the only ones who know about Logan in all of Hogwarts. Save some of the professors and Dumbledore, of course. I guess you can say that it's my deepest and darkest secret."
"Well, I'd like to believe that all of us are trustworthy and can keep a secret," said Sirius lightly. "Should we go around, then?"
James and I shrugged. "Go ahead," I said.
Sirius's face flushed and he tossed a lazy grin at James. "Prongs, you're going to murder me…"
James smiled wryly. "I'm sure that you've done worse, whatever it is."
"Well," said Sirius, scratching the back of his neck. "Sometime around third and fourth year, I fancied Mummy P something awful."
"You bastard," laughed James. "That's disgusting."
Sirius shrugged and flicked his fag over the edge of the tower. "What can I say? She's a beautiful woman. And when you're thirteen and you've just discovered the opposite sex and there's this hot mum in front of you, what are you gonna do?"
"Wait, hold on a tick. I'm confused. Who's Mummy P?" I asked.
"It's what Sirius calls my mother," said James, rolling his eyes.
My mouth dropped open and then I let out a loud giggle. "Shut up! Sirius, you're such a horny little fuck," I laughed. "Talk about an Oedipus complex…"
"Alright, Lily. Cough it up. What's your dirty little secret?" asked Sirius, fighting off James's playful punches.
I stood up and walked to the edge of the roof, facing the surrounding grounds. "I have to say, it's going to put a damper on the mood," I said, turning around and leaning against the stone.
James shrugged. "What does Perfect Prefect Lily have to hide?"
I scowled. "First of all, never ever call me that again or I will make sure that you will never have children. Either that, or I'll make you swear your firstborn child to me. Anyway," I said, relaxing, "both of you know that my mum died when I was thirteen. Even though a lot of time has passed since then and I've come to terms with her death, I still miss her a lot."
"I miss my brother and I barely knew him," said James.
"Right," I said quietly and began to fidget with a loose strand of hair. "I find that sometimes, when I'm upset or confused or angry or something, I write letters to my mum. I know that it sounds really pathetic and stupid and everything, but it makes me feel like my mum will always be there for me, just like she promised…"
"No, not stupid in the least," breathed Sirius. "What do you… What do you do with them?" he asked tentatively.
I shrugged. "I keep them all in a box in my trunk."
Sirius nodded. "Well, I think that it's cool. I can't say that I know what it's like to lose a parent since I never really had proper parents to begin with, but I feel like if any of James's parents died… I don't know, I think that I would feel it as much as he did."
"Anyway, it's really not that big of a deal or that much of a secret. Kate knows and my friend Vittoria from back home knows about it as well. I guess it's kind of like my way of keeping a journal during the bumpy times, hm?" I said.
"Prongs, you okay, mate? You've been quiet," said Sirius, looking over at his friend.
"I'm all right," said James. He had a dazed look on his face, as if he just thought of something that he couldn't let go of. "Just thinking. Listen, I'm going to head down to bed. Wake me up in the morning, will you?"
Sirius nodded. "G'night, then."
James walked over to me and wrapped his blanket around my shoulders. "Keep this. You'll probably need two to keep you warm," he whispered in my ear.
I shivered and wrapped the two blankets more tightly around me. "Thanks," I said.
"Blimey Lily! How tall are you?" asked Sirius, his eyes scanning me and James's profiles.
"I don't know. Like 5'9 or 5'10," I said. I looked at James and raised an eyebrow. "Fancy that. I come right up to your nose. How tall are you?"
"6'3," said James.
I let out a low whistle. "Sirius?"
"6'2."
"Damn. We're all giants up here, aren't we? It's hard to find boys who I can wear heels around. Flats take all the fun out of dressing up," I said.
"That all went way over my head, but I trust that it made sense. Kisses and hugs all around," said James in a high falsetto, fluttering his eyelashes.
James clapped Sirius on the back as he passed and exited the roof.
Sirius and I went back to our original chairs and sat quietly, him pensively puffing away at a new cigarette while I stared up at the sky.
"When do you think the storm's going to break?" I asked.
"Sometime very soon. The wind completely died a couple of minutes ago. Calm before the storm," said Sirius. "So my love, my heart, my petal. How are you? We haven't been able to talk properly."
I shrugged. "Nothing new, really. Although earlier today Nate suggested that I start a literary magazine type thing, which I'm actually considering."
"Ah," said Sirius. "Nathaniel Ford. How is the dashing young lad?"
"Good, I guess? We're both busy people you know, him being Head Boy and all. And then with the two of us being in different years and different houses, it makes it harder for us to find time. But between all of the shit and everything, I'd say that we're doing pretty well."
Sirius nodded. "That's good." He nodded again and then looked at me shiftily.
I raised an eyebrow. "Sirius?"
"Okay Lily, don't take this the wrong way, but what exactly are you doing with James, hm? You're always flirting with him, but then you push him away. Then you bring him back to you, but then run off to your boyfriend. James is the best friend and only family that I've ever had and I need you to know that if you fuck him up, I'll have your head. You think I'm joking, but I'm being completely honest," said Sirius, with a completely serious look on his face.
I blushed and looked down at my hands. "I don't know," I said quietly. "I mean, I don't really have any intentions of pursuing him. I have a boyfriend and all. But, I don't know. I'm just naturally a flirt. I flirt with everyone. I just never really thought about it that much," I said, shrugging.
"Just… Just be careful around him, okay? It may not seem like it, but Prongs is sensitive and he takes matters of the heart quite seriously."
I nodded. "Point taken. And while we're on the subject of our love lives, how come I haven't seen you with a pretty girl recently?"
Sirius let out a bark of a laugh and regally sprawled himself across the lawn chair. "To be completely honest, I'm getting tired of the whole snog-everyone-you-can routine. It's starting to become really weirdly warped and almost incest… But only in the way that I've already been…engaged with every girl that I would ever consider romantically, so it starts to get a bit repetitive, you know? Hogwarts really isn't that big, when you think about it."
"But do you have anyone in mind? What type of girl are you into? Oh my god! Can I set you up with someone? Oh my god, this is the best idea ever, you have to let me hook you up," I said, sitting excitedly on the edge of my seat as the girly-girl within me ran rampant.
Sirius sighed dramatically. "If you must."
"Okay. Tell me everything. What do you look for in a girl? Out of everyone in our year, who do you think is the prettiest? And no, that isn't a double-edged question. What do you typically do on a first date?" I asked, getting ready to take mental notes.
"You sound like a tacky dating game host, Lily," said Sirius. "But anyway. What do I look for in a girl… I don't know. I guess that as long as she's open-minded, willing to have a good time and not hung up on pureblood supremacy, then I'd love to talk to her."
"Right, right," I said, leaning back into my chair and doing a quick personality profile of all of the girls that I know.
"As for the prettiest, I think that Georgie is one of the most beautiful girls in our class. Didn't she model at one point? But anyway, before you get any ideas in that head of yours, I wouldn't dream of dating her. Her brother would kill me, first of all. And second, we're related on our dad's sides, so that would be disgusting."
I nodded. Georgie is one of the most beautiful people that I know. She reminds me of my friend Vittoria… Both have long dark hair, tanned skin, impossibly long legs, and healthily thin. There's also the exotic look that they have, what with Vittoria being Italian and Georgie's mother being half-Spanish. "And on your first date?"
"It depends on the girl, really. I don't have one specific routine or something. It always changes. Sometimes you know, it could just be a nice little picnic somewhere on the grounds, or a casual dinner in an old chamber, or a day out at Hogsmeade," Sirius shrugged. "Like I said. It all depends on the girl."
I nodded and looked at Sirius, studying him properly. He moved with grace and authority, as if he had all the time in the world. Every movement was executed perfectly, with never any room for error. I rested my chin in my hand. Sirius is one great big, well-bred mystery. Finding the perfect girl for him will be one hell of a challenge.
"So. Do you have any girls in mind?" asked Sirius, looking at me through half-open eyes.
I shook my head. "Nope. Not yet. Give me a day or two to think about it. I also need to ask you some more questions."
All of a sudden and utterly without warning, the sky broke and rain began driving down in sheets.
"Eeeek!" I squealed and ran for the door, bringing my blankets with me.
Sirius laughed and ran after me, shutting the door behind him. "Told you. Calm before the storm."
"I'm all wet now," I pouted, shaking out me and James's blankets to get the water out of them.
"And they call you the Mistress of Charms," scoffed Sirius, following me down the stairs.
"Shut it, you," I said playfully, turning around and grinning at him. "See look! I told you that I'm a flirt! It's seriously in my nature. I just can't help it."
"Or maybe it's just because I'm too damn sexy, eh?" said Sirius, running his hand through his hair.
I rolled my eyes. "That was very Potter of you," I said.
Sirius shrugged. "Habits get picked up easily."
"I can see that," I said, and stepped into the warm and toasty common room. "Alright, lover. I'm going to go to bed. I'll see you in the morning, yeah?"
"Indeed," said Sirius, gathering miscellaneous objects from piles around the common room. "Good night, Lily."
"Good night Sirius," I said, halfway up the stairs.
I tip toed into my room and quietly closed the door behind me. Someone left the bathroom light open and the door slightly ajar, washing the room in a soft golden glow.
"Lily?" whispered Kate groggily.
"Yeah, Kavs?"
"What time is it?" she asked hoarsely.
"It's a little after 12. Go back to sleep," I said.
Kate rolled over in her bed and I climbed into mine, closing the curtains around my bed. I settled my two new blankets on top of my bedspread and snuggled under them, inhaling the scent of James's blanket.
It was a purely boy smell, a mix of sweat, the Quidditch pitch, Italian aftershave and soap. I pulled James's blanket under my covers and snuggled against its soft warmth, comforted and eased into sleep with its homey smell.
…..
Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You're not alone in this story's pages
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I'll try to hold it in, yeah I'll try to hold it in
…..