Disclaimer: Right now, the only thing that I own is a large cardboard box. With my story's plot and its original
characters in there with me. And the random 10 Euro in my wallet.
Quick author's note: all of the italicized stuff won't go upload, so if you want the full
effect, visit my livejournal.
Chapter Seven: Blemished Perfection
(Chapter's Song: 'Such Great Heights' by Iron and Wine)
Twirling, spinning, melting, joining. The world spins around me in swirls of vibrant color. Red, green, orange, blue. The music escalates, crescendos and swells into the beating of drums, pounding, pounding, pounding in my ears. The temperature rises and I begin to take notice of the bodies all around me, pressing, grinding, dancing to the beat. Another spell and my world erupts with dizzying patterns, a kaleidoscope of triangles, blues and greens, diamonds and squares.
At the blink of an eye, the delicate world of glass and color shatters and the spell is broken. I am left cold and alone, looking for something, anything, to anchor me and keep me from spinning away into oblivion.
"Lily, what's a three letter word that accompanies 'lumos'?"
"Nox," I said, putting my quill in my book and closing it.
"Oh, right," said Remus, scribbling the answer in the crossword of the Sunday Prophet.
I sighed and closed my eyes, tilting my face up towards the warmth of the sun. The days are getting colder, shorter and darker, approaching the end of one year and the beginning of a new. The gentle breeze flirted with my hair, sending pieces of it flitting over my face despite my earlier efforts of pinning it back to keep it in place. I heard a clicking sound and opened my eyes to find Remus putting his camera down.
I raised an eyebrow at him. "Taking pictures?" I asked rhetorically.
Remus shrugged. "I thought that you looked really pretty just then. Kodak moment, really." He lay back down and picked up the Prophet, continuing the puzzle. He frowned at a question and then looked up at me, sensing my gaze. "Spoken to James yet since the party?"
"No," I sighed, lying down with my head on his stomach. "It's been what, three days since? He's been avoiding me, I can tell. But for what? The only thing that I did was that I stopped dancing with him. He needs to get over himself." I also freaked out and flipped a shit in my head, but no one needs to know that…
"Lily, you walked out on him."
"There was nothing to walk out on! The song ended and I went to go and find my boyfriend! There's nothing wrong with that at all," I argued, gesticulating with my hands.
"Well, I still think that you should at least talk to him. He's really upset," said Remus, dipping his quill into the inkwell balanced on his chest.
I rolled my eyes. "Not my fault he's a pansy," I grumbled and blew some hair out of my face.
"Lily," said Remus again.
"What? Stop 'Lily'ing me! And you're so not a comfy pillow," I said, poking his stomach, or lack thereof. "You need to fatten yourself up. This board that my head is on is no place for a lady."
Remus rubbed the spot where I had jabbed him with my finger, laughing and causing my head to rise up and down. "I like the way I am, thank you very much."
We lapsed into a comfortable silence, broken only now and then with the scratching of Remus's quill. Uncommonly bright and sunny for an October day, Remus and I decided to venture outside and take advantage of the glorious sun. Remus brought his crossword, a weekly routine of his and I brought my notebook, intending to scribble down some new prose or sketch Remus doing his puzzle.
"Remus?"
"Hm?"
"Why are you so perfect?" I asked, altering my position so that I could get a glimpse of my friend.
Remus laughed softly and occupied his hands with my hair. "I'm far from it, love. I can't even hold something silver without burning my skin, for fuck's sake. What made you ask anyway? You're smarter than that."
I shrugged and closed my eyes. "You just always know exactly what to say and always know exactly how to act. You're perfect," I said again, stating it simply.
Remus sighed and I felt him shake his head. "I'll never be able to understand you Lily. You're a crazy girl."
"I'm a romantic," I said, grinning. I began humming softly to myself and felt a shadow being cast over me, blocking the warmth of the sun.
"Hey Prongs," said Remus lazily. "And with 'knotgrass' my friends, I have finished this week's crossword in exactly 27 minutes. Not bad. Not bad at all."
"Lily, can I talk to you for a second?" asked James.
I opened one eye and saw him looking at me with something hidden in his eyes. "Yeah sure," I said, getting up. "I'll see you later," I said and patted Remus's stomach.
I got up to my feet and followed James, who began walking towards the lake. We walked for several minutes in absolute and utter silence and I began to wonder if James was doing this because he thinks that I need more exercise.
I saw James open his mouth and take a breath several times out of my peripheral, but he still didn't say anything.
"Cat's got your tongue, Potter?" I asked rather harshly.
"I- er… No," he said, shoving his hands into his pockets.
"Sorry, that was really bitchy of me."
James released a forced laugh and began to fuss with his hair. "Yeah, it was."
I bit my lip and we continued walking in silence, much to my chagrin.
James suddenly laughed a deep, loud laugh and I looked up at him questioningly.
"You know, Lily. This would be so much easier if you weren't so damn sexy," said James, a gentle smile on his face.
"Excuse me?" I said, raising an eyebrow.
"You heard me. You're too god damn sexy for your own good. If it weren't for that, we never would've danced the way we did that night and it wouldn't be so hard for me to come up and talk to you," said James, bringing his hand down from his hair and rubbing the back of his neck.
"Oh, well excuse me," I said sarcastically. "But look who's talking, Mr. Quidditch Captain and Sex God Extraordinaire. You're not exactly the easiest person to talk to yourself."
James smirked. "'Sex God Extraordinaire,' huh? Glad that you think so highly of my abilities, my dear. I mean, I must be that good if you've never even experienced it."
"You know, I should be slightly offended by that, but I actually think that it wouldn't be too bad," I said, shaking my head and smiling. "Anyway, my so called 'sexiness' has never been an issue for you. Why start now?" I asked, as we began to take the beaten path to the Quidditch pitch.
"Because… because it was never really a problem before."
"And it is now?"
"Well, let's just say that I always thought of you as a pretty girl. But now, all of a sudden, you're this incredibly sexy, confident woman and you…" trailed off James, his hand once again in his hair.
I looked down at my clothes and wondered if James is all right in the head. Okay, fine. My boobs grew a little bit over the summer, but they're still nothing to sneeze at. Oh, and my hipbones don't jut out as much as they used to. But what's this load of crap about me becoming confident and womanly? "And…" I prompted James.
He let out a laugh and collapsed into one of the folding chairs. "You intimidate me, Lily. You fucking intimidate every single fiber of my being." James looked at me and his eyes immediately took over every fleeting thought that passed through my mind. His wonderful, incredible eyes dominated me. I got lost in this sea of the most unique golden brown that I've ever seen, dusted with specks of blue and green. My stomach fluttered.
I blinked and looked at his nose. "Okay, hold on. Am I missing something? Is this really coming from one of the most confident and arrogant people in this school?"
James leaned back and draped his arms over the back of the chairs on either side of him. "Yeah, it is. And arrogant? Don't you think that that's pushing it? If you had said conceited, fine, I can see where that would be coming from, but not arrogant. Which reminds me-can you clarify a little something for me, Lil? Last year left something of a bad taste in my mouth."
I nodded and propped my feet up on the chair in front of me. "Yeah, go for it."
James cleared his throat uncomfortably and his hand found its way into his hair again. "Last year you, uh, called me a, and I quote, 'an arrogant, bullying toerag,' and you said… you said that I make you sick. Is that-? Are you-?"
I laughed and patted his knee. "James, you're just too cute. Do you honestly think that I meant every single word?" I asked, scooting a little closer to him and resting my elbows on my knees.
James looked down and rubbed the back of his neck, blushing. "Erm. Maybe?"
I smiled and giggled a little bit. "Okay James, look. Come on, look at me," I moved towards the front of my chair and lifted James's chin to look me in the eye, his cheeks still pink.
"Last year, you were incredibly arrogant. You basically thought that you were the shit. Okay wait, you still think that you are, but…"
"Just keep twisting the knife, Evans."
"Right. Sorry. Anyway, last year, we had just come out of our first O.W.L., I was so stressed out that you wouldn't even imagine and you decided to completely humiliate Snape in front of the entire ruddy school. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no huge fan of his, but just put yourself in his position. How would you feel?"
James snorted. "I'd wash my hair and stop locking myself in my room with my wand and a bunch of Dark Magic books. I'd also grow a pair," he mused after a little while.
"James," I said pleadingly and rolled my eyes. "Come on. But anyway, the fact that you decided to pick on Snape for no reason whatsoever ticked me off. It also wasn't really the best of days for girl reasons, if you know what I mean."
"Oh, Lily! Gross! I did NOT need to know that," said James, shutting his eyes and digging the heels of his hands into them.
I laughed. "Hey, you asked for it. But anyway, to make the long story short, no. I don't still think of you as an 'arrogant, bullying toerag.' Yes, I still think that you're arrogant, but I've come to terms with the fact that it's a part of you and there's nothing that I can do to change that. Anyway, I need to go and meet the girls. Ciao darling," I said, and kissed his cheek.
"Hey Lil!" shouted James, just as I was about to exit the pitch.
"Yeah?" I said, turning around.
"Thanks."
"No problem," I said, smiling.
"Happy birthday, Kavs!" I squealed, hugging her and giving her a kiss. "Sorry that I'm late," I said. I took a cracker and some bits of cheese off of the plate in the middle.
My roommates and Seth sat on a blanket set up under a chestnut tree by the lake, celebrating my best friend's birthday.
"Hey there! What've you been up to?" I asked as I sat down next to Seth, gave him a side hug and stuffed the cracker into my mouth.
"Nothing really, although I do believe that this girl is in need of seventeen birthday spankings. What about you?" asked Seth, his eyes glittering.
I shrugged nonchalantly. "Just the usual. Seducing boys, getting good grades, dancing on tables. You know the drill."
"And here I thought you were the quiet one of the group," said Seth laughing.
"Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," said Grace, shooting me a glare, to which I responded by raising my goblet, "I was in the Library when I heard a moan and sounds that definitely aren't made when studying, if you know what I mean."
The girls and I instantly sat up while Seth just snaked his arm around Kate's waist.
"Who was it?" whispered Georgie.
"Oh my god, you'll never believe it. You will never believe it," said Grace, practically glowing from this gossip.
"Just spit it out, you cow!" said Kate.
"It was Professor Vector snogging Diggory!"
"Shut up!" shrieked Georgie, smacking Grace on the arm.
"Amos Diggory from Hufflepuff? Oh that is rich," said Sophie.
"And down right kinky. In the Library? Jesus," I said, letting out a whistle.
"Isn't that unbelievable? I told you that it was worth it," said Grace smugly.
"When the fuck was this?" demanded Georgie.
"Just like half an hour ago."
"Shut up!" said Georgie, smacking her again.
"G, stop abusing her, you dumbass," said Kate.
"Oh my god, stop it. Do you think they're still there? I want to go see!" whined Sophie.
"Well girls, as fun as it is to hear you guys just go 'stop it' and 'shut up,' I have a Defense essay to complete," said Seth. He leaned over and kissed Kate.
"Oooooh," chorused Sophie and I, with Grace whistling and Georgie yelling 'get a room!'
It was silent as we all watched Seth get up and make his way to the castle, the whole scandal already forgotten.
"So," said Sophie, breaking the silence. "How is it?"
Four heads turned to look at her.
"What do you mean?" asked Kate.
"How is he," I said, instantly cottoning on.
"He's fine. You just saw him, you twat," said Kate, but turning pink.
"You know what we mean, smartass," said Georgie. "There's no use hiding it, we know that you've done it already."
"Okay fine," said Kate, blushing even more. We all moved in to make a closer circle. "It's… It's great. It's everything that it's ever been rumored to be. And Seth is, well… you know."
I grinned. "No Katie, we don't know. Enlighten us," I said, knowing full well what she meant.
Kate groaned. "Well endowed," she whispered, her face now bright red.
Georgie let out a whoop and started cackling evilly.
"Am I interrupting something?" asked a male voice.
We all jumped and looked at James, leaning against a tree. And since he was standing, I had to look up from where I fell over on the ground in surprise and my eyes had to pass a certain… part of him first. All I can say is, God bless shorts and tall boys.
"No!" said Kate fiercely.
"Okay," said James, smirking. "I just came to collect Georgie. Be at the pitch in 5 minutes, or else be prepared to do laps, Vance. On foot." He turned and left and I lay transfixed, staring at the spot that he just left unoccupied.
Georgie cleared her throat. "Right, well. Best be off then. I'll catch up with you girls later. And I want details."
I pushed the door open and was relieved to find the courtyard empty. I picked my way over stone benches and plopped down into an old and dilapidated wooden lawn chair, reaching into my pocket.
"Nate, can I talk to you for a second?" I asked, approaching him in his common room.
"Yeah, sure," said Nate, leading me outside. "What's up?"
"Right." I cleared my throat. "Right. So… We haven't seen each other in two weeks. At all. Not in between classes or even at meals. We've both been busy with work and other stuff and I understand that."
I looked up at Nate and took in his somewhat defeated stance, leaning against the wall with his head bowed.
I took out my lighter and lit the bowl, inhaling and savoring the sweet taste.
"Anyway, I think that… I think that we should stop seeing each other. Or at least take a break until things die down and we have more time for each other."
Nate nodded and opened his eyes. I was so incredibly relieved to see that he wasn't angry or hurt. "Lil, I totally agree with you. But I want you to know that I'm always here and my door's always open if you, you know, want to get back together."
"Right," I said, nodding vigorously. "The same for me. And I really don't want things to be awkward between us."
"Yes, of course," said Nate. He stood up properly and wrapped me in his arms.
"I love you," I whispered against his chest.
"Me too, Lily. I'll always love you," said Nate.
We kissed one last, heart-wrenching kiss and he turned and went back into the Ravenclaw common room.
I lit up again several times, inhaling a lungful each time. One by one, the day's stress slowly fell away into a dark recess in my mind.
The potions test was uncommonly hard and I doubt I'll even manage an A. I couldn't concentrate at all during the Charms in-class writing and I nearly botched my practical Transfiguration test.
Not to mention Nate. I closed my eyes and inhaled again. I thought that breaking up with Nate wouldn't do anything to me. Nate will always be the first person who took my breath away and made me weak in the knees, but as we saw each other less and less, the flame died down and he wasn't the most important thing in my life anymore. But now that we're officially… broken up, I feel as though a large chunk of me suddenly evaporated. Last year, Nate was the reason why I looked forward to waking up in the morning. I always knew that no matter how shitty my day was, sometime later we'd end up in an empty classroom or a broom cupboard snogging and having a good time. But now… all of that's gone. And despite the fact that I was the one who broke up with him, I'm the one feeling abandoned and lost.
I slumped against the back of my chair. Of course. How could I have been so stupid? Did I really fancy myself to be in love? I've seen what true love is like. It's not all about breathtaking actions and outstandingly romantic moments. It's about complete trust and getting through hard times together. It's about believing in the connection between you and that other person, believing in it so much that you would go through any lengths to preserve and uphold it. True love is about having your heart ache when you're not with that person. It's about worrying all the time about his safety, his well-being, the well-being of his family and everything and everyone that he loves. Because you know that if they're important enough to be so closely affiliated with him, then they're worth knowing and loving too.
I didn't have any of that with Nate. We didn't have complete trust. We've never met each other's families. Fuck, we didn't even try to make things work. We didn't even contact each other over the summer. What kind of 'true love' pish posh is that?
I took another hit and stared blankly out the window, forcing myself to forget all thought and feeling and just be for the moment.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't know that someone was here. I'll just be on my way out then."
I jumped and turned around to see someone backing out the door. I squinted. "Sirius? No, no, come in. It's a public place, is it not? Besides, I can use the company."
Sirius turned around and my heart clenched when I looked up at his face. No girl can resist that feeling when you look at Sirius Black. His dark, dark brown hair fell into dark, dark blue eyes ever so elegantly. His strong jaw line made so many girls go weak in the knees, his Roman nose giving him an air of majesty and power. And let's not forget his lips. I can't say that I've never wondered what it would feel like to have those perfect lips brush my own, without lying.
"Are you sure?" asked Sirius hesitantly, his hand still resting on the doorknob.
I nodded and reached out to his free hand and pulled him to the chair next to mine.
Sirius shrugged and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and an ashtray from his pocket. "Want one?" he asked, holding out the pack to me.
I shook my head. "No thanks, I'm good," I said, holding up my bowl. "But don't tell Kate. She'll flip when she finds out that I haven't quit like I told her."
Sirius nodded and blew out a stream of smoke. He leaned his head against the slope of the chair and closed his eyes.
I swallowed and looked down at my hands, fidgeting with my lighter.
"So Lily," said Sirius lazily.
My head shot up and I immediately blushed. What the hell am I doing acting like a lovesick school girl? It's disgusting. "Yeah?" I said nonchalantly. Much better.
"How are you? We've never really spoken properly before, have we?"
I shook my head. "Can't say that we have." I took another hit and let its effects flood me as I leaned back against the chair, following Sirius's lead.
"Can you keep a secret?" asked Sirius.
"Depends on what it is."
"What if I told you that I've been harboring feelings for you since second year?" asked Sirius, his blue eyes trained on my own.
I started coughing on the smoke that I had just inhaled and looked at him. "Are you high?"
Sirius smirked. "No. But you are."
"Touché."
"But really, what would you say?" asked Sirius earnestly, leaning forward in his chair.
"I'd ask you if you were dropped as a baby, if your best friend knows, and if you're joking."
"Well, yes, I was dropped as a child," said Sirius darkly, "my best friend wouldn't know, and I am joking."
I smirked. "You were dropped as a child? That explains a lot of things."
"No it doesn't. My magic protected me and I landed on my feet," said Sirius, blowing a smoke circle at my face.
"Well aren't you just special?"
"No, I'm disowned."
I blinked. "What?"
Sirius shrugged. "I ran away from home this summer. My mother didn't even care to send out a search party and my father just owled me the rest of my belongings. Then they disowned me."
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, completely shocked. James wasn't kidding when he said that Sirius had some issues at home. All of a sudden, the golden image I had of Sirius dimmed slightly. He slipped off of his marble pedestal and now he's no longer this perfect, otherworldly deity who needs to be worshipped or have virgin maidens sacrificed for. I smiled inwardly. Now I can relate to him.
Sirius shrugged. "You seem like a cool chick. And Prongs wasn't kidding when he said that there's more to you than you let on. And another thing. What's with the bowl? Why would you need it?"
"Because I'm human too. I almost failed the Potions test, I botched Charms and Transfiguration, and I just broke up with my boyfriend. I don't know why I'm telling you this, though. I haven't even told Kate."
"You seem to hide a lot of things from your best friend."
"I-" I started, but then closed my mouth and frowned. "You're right. What the hell is wrong with me?"
Sirius shrugged. "You're growing up and realizing that you don't need to tell her everything."
"But you tell James everything," I argued.
"Nuh uh. Not true," said Sirius.
I raised my eyebrows, surprised, but didn't say anything.
"Anyway, we should go. It's almost dinner and our friends are bound to be looking for us," said Sirius, getting up. He dropped his cigarette into the ashtray and it swallowed it. He held out a hand to me, which I took after blowing on the weed to put it out.
As we walked out of the abandoned courtyard together, I realized that I've told this virtual stranger things that someone who I've known personally for 5 and a half years doesn't know about me, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I decided right then and there that I like Sirius. He puts me at ease, he's under no pretense and he's just so not what I expected him to be (a total pompous asshole), which just makes things so much better.
Sirius Black isn't as perfect as he's made out to be, but neither am I. Guess that that's just one of the things that we have in common. That, and a newfound friendship and confidence.
…
They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay
…