Disclaimer: Don't own Lily or James. Or Hogwarts. But it'd be cool if I did.
Chapter Five: Glowing Embers
(Chapter's Song: 'The Scientist' by Coldplay)
I quickly wiped my cheeks and sat up straighter.
"Yeah, hey James," I said softly.
He held something dark and fluid in his hands, which he quickly stuffed into his pajama pockets. His hair was tousled and it seemed as though the peace of sleep had evaded him as well.
"Are you okay? What are you doing down here?" he asked, sitting down beside me.
"The question is, what were you doing outside after hours?" I said, sniffling a little.
James furrowed his brow and looked straight into my eyes and they began to well up with tears again. Sitting in such close proximity to one of the people who's causing me this trouble, no matter how minute, set off the wet works again and I furiously began to blink as I leaned back against the cushions on the couch.
"Oh love, what's wrong?" asked James tenderly, pulling me into an embrace as I began to openly weep.
I shook my head and attempted to smile through my tears. "It's nothing, I'm just being stupid. I miss my mum is all." I shook my head again and wiped my tears away, angry at myself for breaking down in front of James like this.
"Hey, hey, it's all right. Don't worry about it. And I want you to know that I may not be your mum, but I'm always here for you if you need me. Just, you know, give me a call," said James soothingly. He fished in his pocket and produced a small rectangular piece of parchment and handed it to me.
I held it up to the fire and read what it said. 'Mr. Prongs of Gryffindor's 6th years invites you to call upon him whenever in need of a big strong shoulder to cry on,' read the calling card.
I laughed and playfully hit James. "You're such an idiot," I said.
"But I'm a cute idiot," said James in a childish voice, making his eyes look huge and pouting like a 4 year old who didn't get his afternoon cookie.
I smiled and shook my head.
"You're not denying it," said James slyly.
"No, I'm not," I said, grinning slightly.
"Alas, the lady grins!" said James happily.
There was something akin to an awkward silence, so I decided to remedy the situation from this past evening. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. I just have this awful tendency of getting really bitchy whenever someone second-guesses my decisions because I really do take the time to think about them. Well, more often than not, anyway. And also, I honestly didn't mean what I said about you and I not being friends because we really are," I said, craning my neck to look up at him.
James's face had turned solemn during my apology and he stared contemplatively at the glowing embers. He looked up at me through his eyelashes, his eyes telling me that he had accepted my apology before I even offered it. "Lil, I should be the one apologizing. I was being stupid. I was being really stupid. Forgive me?"
I nodded. "Of course," I said, and kissed his cheek. "Oh, by the way, congratulations on making Captain."
"You heard?"
"Yeah. Actually, um, Nate told me. But yeah. Sorry I couldn't offer my congratulations sooner," I said.
James shrugged. "No problem."
I nodded and turned to look out the window, snuggling into the warmth that James's body offered. He smells like a heavenly combination of soap, clean laundry and Hogwarts in the fall, settling my nerves and bringing me to a peaceful state. James rested his cheek against my hair and I closed my eyes, sighing contentedly. I reveled in the fact that I somehow knew that we could spend hours like this without saying a word. I don't know how I knew it, but when James pulled my sleeve down to cover my shoulder for me, I knew that James really would always be there for me if I needed him. All I had to do was ask.
"James, what's your favorite color?" I asked out of the blue.
"Green," he said immediately. "It's the color of life and growth. It also happens to look smashing on me," joked James with a hint of his old confidence.
"What's your favorite pastry?" he countered.
"Hmm… It's a tie between a home-baked vanilla cupcake with chocolate frosting and a really thick and rich brownie that needs a really tall glass of milk to go with it. Favorite band?"
"On the WWN, I'd have to say The Switchblades, but Elvis Costello for Muggles. Middle name?"
"Marie. Yours?"
"Caden. It's my mum's maiden name."
By now, I had stretched out so that my head is in James's lap and the rest of me is lying on the couch. In the past twenty minutes or so, James and I had reached an unspoken agreement that allowed touch without feeling any awkwardness. Every now and then, I would brush his hair away if it fell into his face and his fingers traced patterns up and down my arms, sending waves of tingles down my spine.
"Lily, what's your biggest fear?" asked James. He stopped moving his hands and my eyes flew up to meet his.
"To forget my mother," I whispered after some slight hesitation. I sat up and tucked my legs under me and began to comb my fingers through my hair. "I know that I sound like I haven't moved on and everything, but the very idea of forgetting about someone who gave birth to me, raised me when she didn't have to and just… made me, it's… it's just something that I really fear. My mum defined who I am as a person, you know? She taught me the morals and principles that I hold true to today, she taught me what it's like to feel loved and she made me realize that there's always going to be someone that I can turn to. Forgetting Mum would be like," I searched for something that I could compare this feeling with. There is virtually no word or phrase that can completely explain how I feel. "I don't know… I think that forgetting Mum would be like forgetting me."
James started shaking his head. "I just can't imagine what it would be like to lose one of my parents. It's just something that I never really think about… I'm really sorry that you had to go through all of this, Lily. I really am."
I smiled and tucked my hair behind my ear. "It's okay. There's no use crying over spilt milk."
"You know, you always do that when you're nervous or upset," said James.
"Do what?"
"Comb your fingers through your hair or fiddle with it."
"Well, you do the same thing you know," I said, nodding at him.
"Do what?"
"Comb your fingers through your hair."
"Oh," said James. "But that's because my hair looks better when it's really messy. Otherwise it just looks stupid because it won't ever lie flat," he said, grinning.
"Well, I think that it looks stupid either way," I said. I reached up and ruffled his hair with both hands. "There you are."
James wrinkled his nose and I laughed at the stupid expression on his face.
"Did you really have to do that? I think that it was messily fine the way it was," he said, frowning and patting his head.
"You still remain an enigma to me, James Potter," I said, settling back against the couch.
James leaned back and rubbed his eyes as he sighed deeply. "I'm as readable to you as you are to me."
I looked at James quizzically, but it seemed as though he wanted it to be left at that. In the past two hours, James and I reached something similar to an agreement or a truce, or a combination of the two. I feel like we won't have those major blowouts like we used to back in 4th year. No, we've come a long way from then and I think that we've matured enough to not have to stoop low and resort to petty name-calling. The only problem is that if we ever get into another fight, the proportions will be large and the stakes high, and that worries me.
No matter. As far as I can tell, that won't trouble us any time soon. I glanced back at James who was fiddling with whatever it was that he had put in his pocket while quietly humming to himself. James, this boy who I've known for five and a half years now, who I've lived with and worked with, will always remain a mystery to me. I feel like the key to his personality is just within my grasp, but there's something that I have to do, or something that we have to do to get there. I can sense it. Once that certain thing happens, James Potter will have an entirely new personality. It's like how the lyrics to a song make so much more sense when it's put together with the music-you know it one way, but then when you put it all together, it means something completely different.
"Lily, why are you staring at me?" asked James, his voice deep and tired.
I blinked, not realizing what I had been doing. "Sorry, I'm just really tired. Kind of zoned out a bit there."
"Well, it is almost 4 o' clock in the morning," said James.
My stomach dropped. "What? How long have we been down here? I'm going to pass out tomorrow! Fuck."
James shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe 3 hours? And don't worry about not getting enough sleep. We have Flitwick first thing tomorrow and I'm sure that you're ahead enough to not have to worry about falling behind."
"Well, I'm going to go to bed anyway. I'm just way too tired," I said, getting up and yawning.
James reached out and pulled me back down. "Just wait a little bit with me. Please? At least until the fire dies out. Look, it's going to happen any minute now," he said, pointing.
"Okay, fine," I said. I tucked my legs under my body and leaned against James.
James wrapped his arm around me and kissed my head and we watched the fire go out together on the couch.
…..
Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh, let's go back to the start
…..