Chapter 18: Letters of Terrible Tidings/Little Relief in a Big Disaster
"Just because her eyes don't tear,
Doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry.
And just because she comes off so strong,
Doesn't mean there's nothing wrong."
Tuesday, November 18th, 1979
"Morning Sunshine," Lily said as Sarah stumbled out of bed.
"Morning," Sarah grumbled. She grabbed her clothing and locked the door behind her as she walked into the bathroom.
Lily looked for the box she had peeked into the night before. Good, it's still there. She pulled her shoes onto her feet. She searched for Sarah's bag and found it at the bottom of Sarah's bed underneath the covers. That girl really is crazy. How'd she sleep with it there? Lily finished getting ready as Sarah walked out of the bathroom. "Hey, Sarah?"
"What?"
"What's that box there?" Lily asked, pointing to the box aside of Sarah's bed that she had looked into the night before.
"It's nothing," Sarah shrugged and grabbed her bag. "Let's go. I'm starving."
Lily followed Sarah out of her room and down the stairs. "Well, what's inside of it?" Lily asked her.
"Nothing important."
"What's inside, Sarah?" Lily asked again.
"It's nothing, Lily," Sarah said more firmly.
Lily bit her lip, wanting to ask her again, but knowing that making Sarah mad first thing in the morning wasn't the smartest thing to do so she followed her in silence to the Great Hall. Sarah sat down next to Lane who was already seated at the table. Lily sat down across from them.
"Where's Cassidy?" Lily asked Lane.
Lane shrugged, "I don't know. I saw her this morning, then she just disappeared."
"Hopefully she won't come back," Sarah muttered.
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Tuesday, November 25th, 1979
"Here come the owls," Lane said as the owl post arrived for the morning.
"Astrum!" Sarah exclaimed as her owl dropped a letter in front of her and perched on Sarah's arm. Sarah fed her a bit of her breakfast before Astrum hooted and flew off again. Sarah picked up the letter that Astrum had delivered and examined the outside for a moment before she stashed it in her bag underneath her.
"Aren't you going to open it?" Lily asked her.
"No, I'm just going to wait until later to read it," Sarah said. Lily shrugged and brushed off her friend's weird behavior. Sarah usually loved getting mail.
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Lily walked into her room to find Sarah sitting on her bed holding an envelope and staring blankly at it. Lily recognized it as the one Astrum had delivered that morning.
"Did you open it?" Lily asked her.
Sarah didn't reply, she just stared at the envelope.
"Sarah, what's going on? Is something wrong?"
No attempt was made on Sarah's behalf to communicate with Lily. Lily's temper quickly rose, getting impatient with Sarah and her stubbornness.
"Sarah, why won't you tell me what's wrong?" Lily demanded, growing increasingly angry with her.
"It's nothing," Sarah spat at her, glaring.
"Why won't you tell me?" Lily yelled.
"It's nothing. It doesn't even matter," Sarah yelled back at her. Why wouldn't Lily just leave her alone?
"Tell me!"
"NO!" Sarah yelled. "It's none of your business." Sarah left Lily's room with a slam of the door and the envelope clutched in her hands.
Lily sighed, frustrated with Sarah. Sarah told her everything. Why couldn't she just tell her? What was the big deal?
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Sirius walked into Heads Room, intending to find James, but instead he found Sarah sitting on the couch, holding a letter in her hands. Sirius had never seen her looking so miserable. He made his way to where she was sitting. "Sarah?" he said as gently as he could. She lifted her face upwards and looked into his eyes. He noticed her eyes looked as if they were about to let the tears behind them fall, yet no signs of tears were to be found on her face. "What's wrong?" he asked as he sat down next to her.
Sarah shook her head and quickly folded the letter in her shaking hands, "Nothing."
"Sarah? What's wrong? C'mon you can tell me," Sirius pleaded with her.
Sarah managed a small smile at his sincerity, but didn't answer his question.
"Sarah, tell me what's wrong," Sirius asked her again.
Sarah swallowed. Of all the people to tell… "Promise me you won't say a word to anyone? Not even James or Lily?"
"I promise."
Sarah took a deep breathe and paused for a moment before saying, "My father died."
Sirius looked at her in shock. "How?"
Tears brimmed at the edges of her eyes. "He committed suicide," she said, not even flinching.
"That's horrible, Sarah. I'm so sorry," Sirius said, wrapping his arm around her protectively. "Your mother must be devastated."
A small sob escaped from her lips before she told him, "My mum died when I was three."
Sirius' head reeled. Both of her parents were dead? How could he not have known that her mum was dead? "I'm sorry. I didn't know your mum was dead."
"It's alright. You couldn't of have known. No one knows."
"No one?"
"Except you, you're the first to know," Sarah said with a small smile as if it were some great award to be the first to know. "And to know about my dad," she added.
"You haven't got any brothers or sisters that you haven't told anyone about, have you?"
"No. My closest and only living relative lives in America. I'm all alone now."
Sirius felt a surge of grief for the girl in his arms. She really had lost everything with the loss of her father.
Sarah turned so she could see his face and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you Sirius," she said as she worked her way out of his embrace and stood before him.
Sirius nodded. She started to walk towards the door to Lily's bedroom. "Are you going to be okay?"
Sarah turned to face him, "I'll be fine." She clutched the letter in her hand a little tighter and walked into Lily's room. She carefully closed the door behind her. As soon as the lock clicked into its place, she slid down the rough wood, collapsing on the floor beneath it. The tears she had held back were finally allowed to flow freely. Sarah read the letter over and over through her blurry eyes until it was soaked through. She cried until the tears wouldn't come anymore. Then her grief turned to anger. Sarah collected herself off of the floor and set her sights on the box aside of her bed. She picked up the bottles of paints and hurled them against the wall. Why did he leave me? I thought he loved me. I tried to be good. I hurt too. He wasn't the only one who lost her. It's not fair. Now I don't have him either. She grabbed the notebook in the box and tore out the pages. She broke the brushes and pencils in half and let them drop to the ground. She kicked the box hard one last time and sat down on her bed. It's not fair she though as she laid down. they're gone. I won't get to see them again. A few tears trickled down her face. I miss them.
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Friday, November 28th, 1979
Lily sat in James' arms on the couch. It was so pleasant, but she couldn't help but think about Sarah. Just then Sirius entered their common room. "Sirius!" Lily exclaimed, freeing herself from James' arms.
"What are you doing?" James asked, upset that his girlfriend was trying to get away from him and he held her tighter.
"Stop James," Lily laughed as he tickled her side. "I need to talk to Sirius."
"About what? Are you leaving me?" James asked in fake horror.
"Never," Lily smiled and kissed him.
"Aw you two make me sick," Sirius complained shielding his eyes with his hands from the terrible sight of them kissing.
"Shut up Padfoot," James said, "you're just jealous."
"You know it," Sirius winked. "So how about you make me un-jealous Lil?" Sirius suggested.
"Only if you tell me something," Lily said, scooting off of James' lap and onto the cushion aside of him.
"Alright, what is it?" Sirius asked, sitting down next to her on the couch.
"Do you know if everything is ok with Sarah?" Lily asked him, biting her lip in hopes that he knew something.
"You-you don't know?" Sirius asked incredulously.
"Don't know what!" Lily exclaimed. How did he know but she didn't?
"Sarah didn't tell you what happened?" Sirius asked.
"No," Lily said angrily. "She doesn't tell me anything! She's been acting normal, but at night, when she thinks I'm asleep I can sometimes hear her crying."
"She made me swear I wouldn't tell," Sirius said.
"So then, let us guess it," James suggested.
Sirius nodded.
"Was it something bad?" Lily asked.
Sirius rolled his eyes. Lily swatted him on his arm, and Sirius nodded to answer her question.
"Um," Lily bit her lip again, trying to think of something else to ask him.
James sighed at Lily's obvious lack of skill at this guessing-game and said, "Something with her family?"
Sirius nodded vigorously.
"What happened?" Lily asked.
Sirius smacked his hand to his forehead. Lily had obviously never done this before with Sarah.
"Did someone…die?" James asked Sirius tentatively.
Sirius nodded.
Lily sucked in her breath. "Her dad?" she asked quietly.
Sirius nodded again.
"Oh no," Lily moaned and leaned back into James' embrace.
Sirius didn't say anything. "There's something else?" James asked.
Again, Sirius nodded.
"Did someone else die?" James asked.
This time, Sirius half-nodded half-moved his head in a circle.
"What?" Lily asked, clearly confused by Sirius' answer. She thought this was a yes-or-no game.
"Did Sarah have any siblings?"
Sirius shook his head no.
"Her mum?" James guessed.
Sirius nodded quickly.
"This is ridiculous, just tell me already!" Lily exclaimed.
"Her mum is dead?"
Another nod.
"Oh my god," Lily said softly, tears welling in her eyes.
"Her mum's been dead for awhile now," Sirius said quickly, the game now over.
"What?" Lily asked. What in the world was he talking about?
"Sarah's mum died when she was little, three or so."
"What? No, that's not possible," Lily disagreed as she shook her head back and forth. "She never said anything. Never. She would've told me…"
"She never told anyone," Sirius said. "And her dad committed suicide."
"I don't believe it," Lily said quietly. James held her closer and she turned and buried her face in his shoulder.
"But you cannot tell Sarah that I let you know what happened. I swore I wouldn't tell you two. Please?" Sirius begged them.
"We won't say anything," James reassured Sirius.
"What?" Lily said as she pushed herself away from James. "How can you expect me to not say anything?"
"You can't Lil," James told her.
"Why not?"
"Because, if Sarah had wanted to tell you, she would've told you," Sirius said.
"Why did she tell you then?" Lily asked angrily.
Sirius shrugged, "I don't know."
"Unbelievable," Lily muttered.
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Sunday, November 30th, 1979
"Come on, Sarah," Sirius said, holding her hand and pulling her through the hole that led to the Heads' room.
Sarah followed him reluctantly. As they entered the room she saw James and Lily sitting together on the couch, like always. You would've thought the two would have been married by now or something. Sirius led her to a chair facing Lily and James and she sat down, but Sirius stood aside of her. "What's going on?" she asked them, obviously something was off.
"You have to tell them," Sirius said. Sarah had no idea that Lily and James already knew, but they figured that it would be better if she thought she would be the first to tell them. And maybe this way, they would learn more. Anything would suffice, after the shock of not knowing that Sarah had been motherless for the better part of her life.
Sarah took one look at Lily and James and made up her mind. They were happy. Why burden them with the death of her father? It didn't even matter. They didn't know him. Why did they have to know? "No," she said and crossed her arms.
"Just tell them," Sirius told her.
Who was he to tell her what to do? "No," she repeated.
"Sarah, would you just tell us what's going on already?" Lily asked her.
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does, Sarah," Lily said. "Something's wrong, but you won't tell me what it is! Why not?"
"It's really nothing at all," Sarah told them, keeping her arms folded across her chest as some kind of protection from Lily's angry words.
"Then tell us," James urged her.
Sarah sighed and studied the three faces. Sirius already knew, if only he would sit down instead of guarding her, Lily who she usually trusted, and James, who seemed sincere enough. "Alright," Sarah said, "but only if you sit down, Sirius. You're making me feel like I'm being interrogated or something."
Sirius sat down in the chair next to hers, and made a small motion with his hands, as if to tell her to start with the story.
"So," Sarah said uneasily entertaining for the first time an audience she wished she didn't have. "I guess I'll start at the beginning. My parents met here, at Hogwarts, and got married. I never knew my grandparents, they all died before I was born. When I was three, my mother was attacked at our house. She was working on some case for the ministry, and apparently knew too much for the criminals so they killed her. I remember my dad running out of the house with me. He used to be so happy…but after that, after my mum died, he just became this…shell of a person? I guess that's what you'd say. He cared for me, but he never really knew me, he was always off in his little dream world where my mother was still alive. I've missed him. Lately he was starting to listen, actually listen and care about me and my life. He sent me a box full of art stuff, which he knows I love. He promised my mum he would take care of me, until I was old enough to do it myself. I guess me turning of age is when he decided I didn't need anyone anymore, so he went to be with my mum," Sarah finished quietly.
No one spoke for a moment, as Sarah's words soaked into them.
"Sarah," Lily said softly, "I'm so sorry."
"It's ok. There's nothing you can do," Sarah told her.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Lily asked her.
"Because it's not important. It wouldn't of have made any difference."
"What? Of course it's important. It's your family, Sarah!" Lily exclaimed.
"It was," Sarah corrected.
"How did you find out?" Lily queried.
"The ministry sent me a letter. Then I got a letter from my dad. He wrote it before it happened."
Lily nodded silently, unsure of what to say next.
Sarah stood up from her chair. "Thanks for this little, intervention or whatever, guys but I'm fine." She left the room without another word being spoken.
"Well, at least she told you," Sirius said after a moment.
Lily just rolled her eyes and threw her hands up into the air.
This chapter deserves another quote:
Ephram: I wish you had died instead of mom.
Dr. Brown: Well I wish I had too, you little bastard.
-Everwood (:tear: I'm going to miss that show!)
A/N: Less than a month to update! Lol. So I did like this chapter until the last little scene there. Oh well.
Panic! At the Disco concert was AMAZING.
And I've kept busy making a boy jealous and such. Sigh. I'm so bad. (but it's my bff's fault too.)
So I've got 5 more chapters planned. And then, I think that's it. It's done. Or rather, I'm done with it. The story could continue, but I've been writing this story for over a year now, and I can barely do the same thing for five minutes without growing bored of it.
Review???
<3 you all!