Author's Note: I know that it was a long time coming, relative to my other updates anyway, but I wanted it to be done right. I hope it was worth waiting for! Sorry for the late hour of the post but I've got too much to do tomorrow to be certain of getting it up then. :D
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Hermione knocked on the door and stood back, twisting her fingers nervously. She had planned everything that she wanted to say, everything that she needed to ask, and she ran over it all again in her head as she waited. Then, the door opened and she froze.
"Hermione?" Harry stood there, blinking at her. "Wh-what are you doing here?"
"We need to talk," she said when she had finally found her voice. "C-Can I-come in?"
He stared at her for a minute, then nodded. "Yeah, all right." She stepped inside, trying not to brush against him as she came through the door. "I'm, uh-I'm surprised to see you," he said, shutting the door behind her. "I didn't think you'd--." He broke off shaking his head, shoving his hand through his hair. "Please-sit down."
He looked as nervous as she felt, which actually calmed her a bit. She could handle anything but his cool, unaffected posturing at the moment. She sank into a chair, waiting for him to sit as well. He remained standing, leaning against the back of the couch, his fingers tracing the pattern absently. "I, um-I guess maybe I should have-told you I was coming. I just-I wasn't sure you'd see me, if I'd-warned you."
He nodded slowly, then shrugged. "You're probably right, but-we do need to talk, I suppose."
There was a long silence, and Hermione shifted nervously in her seat. "All right then," she said after a few moments. "I'll start. You-um, you didn't have to-leave. You should have stayed and talked to Ron."
"And wound up on the business end of his wand? No thanks. If he wants to talk to me, he knows how to reach me."
"What makes you think that would have happened?"
Harry laughed softly. "You can't tell me that he doesn't know everything by now."
She blushed. "Well, yes, he does."
"Because you ran straight to him and told him the whole story?"
There was an edge to his voice that made her flinch. "I did. Don't you think he had the right to know?" she snapped. "After all, this is about him too."
"No it isn't," Harry said softly. "The spell was about him, yes, but this-No, this is just about me and you. He has no part in it. Was it really necessary to give him even more ammunition against me, Hermione? He already hates me."
She gasped. "You just don't get it at all, do you? You-you hurt me, Harry! What you said-it tore me apart. And I had no one else to go to but Ron. Because I couldn't turn to you, could I? Not after you turned your back on me."
"I never turned my back on you," Harry spat, shaking his head. "I told you the truth. I thought you'd rather not be lied to anymore. Was I wrong?"
"Well, of course not! I-needed to hear it. I needed to know that-you don't--." She swallowed hard. "That you don't love me." It came out as a whisper, but to her mind, it was a shout.
Harry paled slightly. "Can't," he said softly; he said it so quietly that Hermione almost missed it.
"What?" she asked distractedly.
"It's not that I don't love you," Harry muttered, sinking down onto the arm of the couch. "I can't love you."
She frowned. "I don't-understand."
"I know you don't," Harry said, a slight smile tugging at his lips. "You could never truly understand. It was the spell, Hermione. The bonding spell."
"What about it, Harry?"
He sighed. "We sacrificed something for it. I knew we had to. But, I didn't-read the fine print. Not until it was too late."
"What-fine print?" Hermione asked, shifting nervously. "What are you talking about?"
"The part that says, we can give whatever we want, but we don't get to dictate what's actually taken. The part that would have told me there's always a price for using dark magic, even if your intentions are good. I missed that little bit of information the first time around."
"A p-price? What price?"
"Think about it, Hermione. The spell asks for something extremely valuable to you. It wants you to give up what you consider most important." He laughed sourly, shaking his head. "I should have known. I loved Ron, you know? He was-he was my best friend. I think I consider him a brother. It nearly killed me to think of giving him up. That should-have been enough, right? To give up someone I cared so much about?" He sat for a minute, staring at his hands, blinking back tears. "I should have known it wasn't enough. As greedy as I was, it was nothing compared to the spell. I tried to keep you."
"Keep me?" Hermione sniffed, shaking her head. "I don't understand, Harry."
"I loved you. I loved you so much, I-couldn't see straight sometimes. I wanted to be with you more than I had ever wanted anything in my life." He swallowed hard, flinching. "I wanted you to love me too. That's all I ever wanted."
Hermione stared at him, her mind racing. He had-loved her. He had-. "You-never told me."
"The dumbest mistake I've ever made," he said softly. "Had I known that you-loved me, I would have never done that spell. I wouldn't have ever risked hurting you like that. I thought I was the only one who was going to truly be hurt by it."
"I still don't understand, Harry. Please, help me understand," she whimpered. "What was the price?"
He stared at her, an empty desolate look in his eyes. "I thought you'd have figured that out by now. It's the one thing I've always wanted, and never had until I met you." She gasped as she finally caught on. "I knew you'd come to it eventually," he said softly. "Love. It took away my ability to love."
"But-how?"
"I don't know how; I just know that it did. I can't have it and I can't feel it. You can love me all you like, and I'll never be able to tell. And I'll never be able to return it. Not just you, of course; that wouldn't be nearly enough. I can't feel it from anyone."
Hermione fell into a shocked silence, trying desperately to understand. "But-I've seen you cry! I know you can still-feel emotions. How is it--?"
"Emotions are different, Hermione. I still have them. I still get depressed, and angry, and happy, although not nearly as often as I'd like. I still feel desire and all of that. I just-I can't love anyone."
"But-you were upset that you hurt me. You-cried."
He smiled almost sadly. "Yeah, see that's where it's really twisted. I remember what it felt like to love you. I remember it so well that I can almost feel it. But it's like trying to catch the wind. The harder I try to get it, the farther I get from having it." He shrugged. "And I still have a conscience. I know, in my head, that I should do what's right, especially when it comes to you. I know that I should want to-to protect you, to always be-kind to you. I know it, I just don't-feel it. All I feel is-sad."
"I-I just can't comprehend what-that would be like. Or-how it's even possible."
"Look at the Avada Kedavra, Hermione. Murder tears your soul. That spell actually rips apart your soul. It's not hard to imagine that other spells can do something to you as well."
She sighed. "How do you know that it was the spell? How do you know you didn't just-stop loving me?"
"It happened as soon as I cast the spell, Hermione. I didn't feel it right way, because we were still-together at that moment. But, when it was over, I felt it. Or rather, I didn't feel it."
"And you-didn't know that it was the spell?"
He snorted. "I figured it must have been, but at that point, I was too distracted to really care. I still had to--."
"Get rid of Ron?" Harry flinched and she sighed. "Sorry. I mean, you had to finish the spell. But once that was over--."
He let himself slide backward onto the couch cushions, stretching out and laying his arm over his eyes. "It was too late to change anything."
"But-you could have broken the spell."
"It's not made to be broken, Hermione. I don't think it's possible to break it."
"You don't know that."
"I've been reading up on it for quite a while. No where does it say that it even can be reversed, let alone how to do it. I'm not going to hold my breath for a solution."
She sighed, wondering if it was possible for your head to actually explode from trying to take in too much at one time. "I still don't understand," she muttered. "You-lost your ability to love."
He nodded. "To put it simply. I want to love you. I want it so much that it physically hurts, but-I can't. I've tried to-see if I could get it back, you know? I thought surely I could find someone who I could feel something for. It never worked."
She shut her eyes, blowing out a long breath. "All those girls. That's why you slept with so many different girls. You were trying to find it again."
"Not that it helped, of course. But I-I've been so desperate to get it back."
"That doesn't make sense, Harry. What about at Hogwarts, before you cast the spell?"
He laughed, rolling his eyes. "You still believe that? Hermione, those were all just stupid rumors. I don't know who started them, but the only girls I was ever with at Hogwarts were you and Parvati."
"They were-just rumors? Then why didn't you say so?"
"Oh come on, Hermione. What seventeen year-old boy do you know of who wouldn't like to be thought of as a stud? It was fun, actually, considering I'd always been thought of as a freak. Besides, what good has telling the truth ever done for me? No one ever believed anything else I said."
She frowned. "Well, I suppose that's true. So then, what do you feel when you look at me?"
She watched as his eyes lost all hints of laughter, and his face fell. "I don't-I feel sad. I know I should-feel something, that I should-love you. And I want to. I just-don't. I feel empty. And lost." He shook his head slowly. "You want the truth, right?"
She had to consider for a minute if she could possibly stand to hear anymore truth from him right now. Finally, she nodded. "Yes, I do."
"I still want you. I couldn't have said no to you when you asked me to touch you. I've been-aching to touch you, for years. I meant it when I said I never could have resisted. But-that's it. It's just-desire." He winced again, pulling his glasses off and wiping his eyes. "I'm so sorry."
She bit back a sob. "It's-not your fault. We just-have to fix it. We will fix it."
"Hermione, don't-don't get your hopes up." She winced at the deadened tone of his voice. It was reflected in his eyes, and she knew that he had long ago given up any hope of ever getting back what he'd lost. "I'm not-sure that anything can be done, and I don't want you thinking that you failed, if it doesn't work. I don't want to see you hurt again. Not over this."
She almost laughed. "Harry, I'm going to fix it. I can't let you live like this. It's-cruel. I won't let you go through your entire life not being able to feel-what I f-feel for you. I can't."
He stared at her, his eyes wide. "You mean, you-? Hermione, you can't still-not after all I've done to you."
"Of course I do," she said softly. "Yes, you hurt me. I'll admit that I wanted to hate you for it, but-I can't. I still love you as much as I ever did." She felt the lump start to build in her throat and forced a little laugh. "Although I do plan to make you pay for being so damned mean to me, once this is all over."
"I deserve it," he muttered, burying his face in his hands. "I know I'll-never be able to make it up to you."
"You don't have to make anything up to me just yet, Harry," she whispered, moving over to kneel beside him. "We'll fix it, and then we can talk about making things up to each other."
He turned to face her, bending so his face was pressed into her shoulder. She felt his shoulders shake under her hands, and she dropped her head against his and cried with him.
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Well? Did it answer some of your questions? :lol: I certainly hope so. Well, go on! Start discussing! :D
Thanks, as always, to HarrynHermione4eva who is now insane after having to help me through this one. I hope, my dear beta, that you don't need a padded cell by the time this story is finished. J You rock!
By the way, Go Read her Story! It's called Without You and it's full of Harmonious goodness! :D