The Azakan Hot Tub Tales
By Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)
A friend of mine and I came up with this story during our calculus class last year. We intended it to be a round robin
of sorts, but my friend later lost interest in continuing it. I only remembered this story when I was digging through
some old math notes the other day. Personally, even I'm not too sure where exactly I'm taking this, but
considering the fact that we started this fic mainly for laughs…any plot is bonus as far as I'm concerned!
EDIT: Warning - this fic is intended to be a parody of the HP universe which means I will be messing up some of the
characters pretty badly - depending on your point of view. And yes....I don't own Harry Potter.
Chapter 1
<>"Ow!!"
Upon hearing this declaration, Wormtail looked up fearfully. It seemed as though Lord Voldemort had tripped over his robes once again.
"Dear Merlin," muttered Lucius under his breath, "I can't believe we're depending on this guy to help us wipe out all the muggleborns…"
"What was that?!" A dangerous glint appeared in Voldemort's flashing red eyes as he glared at his chief Death Eater.
To his credit, Lucius still managed to think a half-way decent reply. "I was merely commenting on the hot tubs at Azkaban," he said coolly.
Beside him, one of the cloaked figures hastily turned a snicker into a hacking cough.
"Uh…" Voldemort looked a bit confused by this reply. "Uh…yes!" He recovered, "We must eliminate Harry Potter once and for all!"
"But what does that have to do with the hot tubs at Azkaban?" wondered one of the slower Death Eaters.
"We'll drown him in it!" snapped Voldemort, "What? You got a better idea?"
"Say no," whispered another Death Eater.
"…No?"
"Crucio!" A sharp beam of red shot towards the first Death Eater who immediately jumped aside, smacking into another one of his comrades.
"Dammit!" swore Voldemort, "Stand still so I can unleash excruciating pain on you!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Watching the ensuring chaos that followed, Lucius sighed.
The same brilliant and charismatic leader that had 'convinced' them all to join this study group was no more. One too many evil and twisted spells had not only given him a hideous and grotesque face, but also a horrid personality coupled with bursts of childish temper tantrums.
Leaning back slightly to avoid some of the more enthusiastic pyrokinetics, Lucius shook his head.
Luckily for him, Voldemort was too busy to notice that small betrayal as he chased after his Death Eaters with abandon. The green and red lights of the various spells made the cave look like a high school disco and so struck with an irresistible urge to dance, he began to boogie while running. Such action was in fact much more effective than the dark spells.
Half paralyzed by laughter, confusion and shock, Voldemort improved his score to 2/15 as a bawling Nott was hit by a poorly aimed stunner.
However, the Dark Lord soon found himself out of breathe due to lack of regular exercise and severe anorexia. Leaning heavily against the wall, the movement exposed the mark he had emblazed on his arm. Smiling rather craftily, he found a way to drive the point home.
Inside a classroom in Hogswarts school miles away, Snape suddenly let out a yell.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Snape yells like a girl," snickered Ron Weasley as the 6th year Gryffindors filed out of the classroom where Snape was subbing for Professor Flitwick.
However, to Hermione that wasn't the most important thing. "Didn't you see that Snape was clutching his arm?" she whispered excitedly. "Maybe Voldemort was calling him!"
"Don't be paranoid," scoffed Ron, "He probably just had a cramp in his arm or something. Besides, Harry would have felt-"
At that exact moment, Harry's eyes rolled back and he collapsed into a heap on the ground.
"Harry!" shrieked Hermione.
"Drama queen," sneered Draco as he walked pass.
Glaring at the blond's retreating back, Ron grabbed a passing 4th year and hissed into his ear, "I'll pay you five galleons to push that prat down the stairs."
The Ravenclaw, who needed the money for the upcoming Hogsmeade trip nodded eagerly. Once the money was received, Ron, Hermione and Harry, who was slowly regaining consciousness, watched as Draco was pushed unceremonious down two flights of uncarpeted stairs.
Ron grinned when he heard the resulting thuds and yelps. "Ah, now that is music to my ears."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"I didn't know it was you! Mommy! Ahhh!! C'mon, I'm innocent! Ahhhh! Noooo!! Get that plushie doll away from me!!!" Tonight's entertainment in the Slytherin common room featured the unfortunate Ravenclaw from this morning, but Draco just couldn't seem to derive much satisfaction from it no matter how much yelling resulted.
Slightly annoyed and thoroughly disgruntled, he wandered over to the fireplace where the bird boy hung suspended by his shoelaces directly in front of the raging fire.
The crowd parted for him and his two bodyguards cleared any that were too drunk to move by themselves. Staring into the terrified eyes, all he felt was annoyance. Still, his reputation had to be upheld…after all, the brat had pushed him down two flights of stairs AND messed up his hair in the process as well!
"And to think the idiot did it for five galleons," He muttered to himself as he carelessly picked up one of the red-hot pokers…
<>
Suddenly a loud shriek was heard and Pansy came flying into the room. Draco deigned to give her a bored look. "What is it now, Parkinson?" he drawled.
"We're being flooded!! Why are you still standing there?!" was the only reply before Pansy rushed out of the dungeons.
It was only then that the rest of the Slytherins in front of the fireplace noticed the thin layer of water that now covered the floor of the common room.
"Ahh!!"
Everyone jumped as Goyle let out an girlish scream. "I can't swim!!" He tried to jump onto Draco - only the blond's quick reflexes ensured that he didn't end up smashed into a pancake.
"Ah!! I'm drowning!! Save me!!" Goyle wailed as he tried to prevent himself from falling into the water, which was now about four centimeters deep.
Draco turned his gaze upwards. "Who the bloody hell did I offend in my last lifetime to deserve this…" he muttered to himself before carelessly throwing away the poker and heading to the entrance. He ignored that yelp that came from a fourth year that the poker almost hit.
"Well?" he turned around and snapped, "What are you waiting for?"
The resulting stampede for the door resulted in Crabbe, Goyle and a third year student being stuck in the doorway and Draco being plastered against the wall like a swatted fly as he was unceremoniously shoved to the side in the rush.
Grunting, swearing and shoving, the three of them effectively blocked up the entrance.
Picking himself off the wall, Draco tried to recover what was left of his dignity.
"Make way, make way," he snarled as he shoved his way through the crowd to the entrance. "Blaise! Come here!"
The other Slytherin gave him a questioning look, but complied.
"Okay, on the count of three, you are going to push Crabbe out and I'm going to grab the squirmy twit there," Draco jerked a finger at the struggling third year.
"One, two-"
At that moment, the three students stuck in the doorway tumbled forward into a heap outside the entrance while Blaise, storming through the entrance and yelling like an amateur kamikaze pilot high on drugs, tripped on the third year's outstretched feet and landed face first onto the ground.
This time Draco was clever enough to scramble out of the entrance and out of the way of the stampede as the Slytherins rushed out of the common room.
Meanwhile, from a dark corner near the entrance, two hooded figures watched as the last of the Slytherins departed and crept in silently through the open door.
"Took you two long enough," said the Ravenclaw dryly.
"There was a traffic jam outside, boss." Said one of the hooded figures apologetically, "Ten wizard collision, if you get what I mean."
A quick incantation from the other figure released the Ravenclaw from where he had been hanging, although he ended up in the water, which had now risen to about knee-level.
Spitting out a mouth-full of water, he followed his rescuers out of the dungeon and the three of them made their way back to the Ravenclaw common room.
As they neared the entrance, the two mysterious figures shed their cloaks while the face of the imprisoned Ravenclaw changed subtly. His hair lightened from its previously dark brown color until it was a light blond color while his nose lengthened and his eyes changed into a their normal grey color. Meanwhile, his companions shed their cloaks to reveal Henry Boot and another fourth year Ravenclaw.
By the time, they neared the entrance, it could easily be seen that he was indeed a relative of the notorious Draco Malfoy - which he was.
Like his cousin, he stopped abruptly three feet from the entrance to check his hair in the reflection of a mirror.
"Give me a break," groaned the mirror, "Your hair's perfect, okay boy-o?"
Duke Malfoy just gave the mirror the trademarked Malfoy sneer before turning away.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, far off in the underground cavern that doubled as their current hiding place, Lord Voldemort had finally stopped flinging spells at every single creature that so much as breathed and had slunk off to wherever it was in the vast underground network of tunnels.
His followers, however, were left totally bored. After all, one can only pray to various evil gods so many times before it becomes repetitive and annoying.
Avery kicked a pebble in Lucius' direction. "I didn't know that they had hot tubs at Azkaban. Does that mean that they have chamber maids and room service too?"
The blond merely glared at him between narrowed eyes. "You mean to tell me you have never heard of the famous Hot Tubs of Azkaban?"
"I wasn't aware that it was a five star hotel dude."
"It's merely a nickname, you idiot," Lucius gritted through his teeth, "The Hot Tubs refer to a vast hole smack in the center of the island filled with boiling lava."
"Really? But why would they need it when they have all those Dementors?"
Lucius turned his eyes upward for a minute before a cynical smile appeared on his face. "There are worse things that can happen to people than the Dementor's Kiss, you know."
"Like what?"
Most of the other Death Eaters were now openly muttering amongst themselves. After all, what could possibly be worse than receiving the Dementor's Kiss?
"It is rumored," Lucius adopted a falsely light tone, "That one dip in there will instantly convert anyone into a raving Legolas fangirl."
"No." Nott's complexion seemed to have taken on a slight shade of green, "You can't be serious."
"Of course I'm not!" snapped Lucius. "It's boiling lava! You honestly expect to live after being dipped in 1000°C of hot boiling liquid?!"
"Well, if you have really strong freezing charm or something…"
"They don't work," Lucius said flatly.
"Wait a second. How come you know so much about these Hot Tubs?" asked another masked figure suspiciously.
"It was on the brochure."
"Huh?"
"Nevermind." Lucius refrained from rolling his eyes once more. He'd forgotten that the majority of his fellow Death Eaters failed to comprehend sarcasm.
"So we're throwing Harry Potter in there?"
"That's the plan yes."
"Uh…how are we supposed to get him there?"
"We drag him there by his hair of course!" shrieked Bellatrix and then she gave a mad cackle.
"So how are you getting him out of Hogswarts in the first place, Bella dear?" Lucius inquired politely.
"We kidnap him?"
"Get Draco to bash him over the head with something hard."
"And then you expect your nephew to simply drag the Boy-Who-Lived out the front doors of the school?"
"NO!" Everyone jumped as Voldemort reappeared inside the vast cavern. "No," he repeated again with a crafty smile, "We simply grab the Weasel and the Mudblood he hangs out with. Then we'll use them to lure Potter to Azkaban for a nice dip!"
"Didn't we try that last time, Boss?"
"Crucio!"
Lucius resisted the urge to bang his head against something hard as Voldemort once more starting shooting random spells at his Death Eaters.
Well, at least it was keeping them all in shape.
End Part 1
Comments, thoughts, whatever, please! =)