The Azkaban Hot Tub Tales
By Miranda Aurelia
Thanks to everyone that took the time to comment. You have no idea how much that means to me. =D
<>By the way, I was a bit concerned about some remarks on how the characters are all warped and stuff. This is a PARODY!! That means every HP character you know will probably be "out of character"...just for the heck of it.
Disclaimer: Don't own HP but I still enjoy messing up the characters.
Chapter 2
"Are you sure that you're alright, Harry?"
Ron groaned from his spot on the floor and chucked his Quidditch magazine at the couple currently sitting side by side on the couch. "Hermione, that's the fiftieth time you've asked him that today."
"Well, he did have a fainting spell for no reason at all. I think that's cause for concern."
"Maybe he's just tired because you kept him up all last night," muttered the redhead under his breath.
"What was that?"
"Hey, let's not start throwing things at each other now, okay?" Harry threw an arm around Hermione's shoulder and drew her back against him. "Sometimes I swear the two of you live simply to argue."
"Hey!" protested Ron, "That is so not true. I live for plenty other things too, I'll have you know."
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Is that even proper grammar?"
"Whatever. The point, is-ah! you're doing it again! Stop!"
"What?"
"Look, I have no problems with-or at least I manage by reciting Hogswarts A History backwards-but Harry, mate, can you stop putting your hands under Hermione's shirt when I'm in the room?!"
"Hypocrite."
"I never do anything like that with Luna!"
"No," explained Hermione, sharing an amused grin with Harry, "But we never said anything about Luna."
"Opps."
"Besides," added Harry innocently, "I think I spotted a certain Ravenclaw visiting last night."
Ron flushed, "She had to, uh, borrow a book, yeah! That's it!"
"So the both of you spent the whole night in bed - reading."
"Yeah, I guess that about sums it up."
"Ron," Hermione sighed, "If you ever do end up in court -and let's hope that never happens- please promise me you'll get a lawyer."
"Huh?"
"What she means to say is that your, uh, lying skills could use some improvement."
"Bite me."
"I wouldn't mind," a familiar voice said from behind him, "Ronald."
"And he accuses us of being overly affectionate." Harry said to Hermione in a low voice, his hand drifting up her shirt once again.
"I heard that!" Ron pulled away from his liplock with Luna long enough to throw his best friends a glare, "And keep those hands where I can see them!"
"Now you're acting like my dad."
Harry tried to repress an involuntary shudder, "Sorry, honey. Ron's annoying, but your father is on par with a mad axe murderer."
"Harry Potter! Did you just call my dad a-"
Harry swiftly decided that damage control was a necessity and he immediately captured Hermione's lips to quell anymore protests.
This went on for a good half-minute before the two of them finally broke apart for air.
"Can I scratch my eyes out now?"
"Ronald, I think that's unsanitary."
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"Why am I hanging around you again?" wondered Ginny Weasley out loud.
"You didn't want to get sunburned, oh and because you felt like shoving the fact in Weasel's face." Draco smirked from his place on the grass beside her.
Both of them were currently avoiding the late morning sun and the rest of the student population at the same time and had taken refuge in a shady area on the grounds south of the castle.
"Ah yes. That's why nobody knows we're hanging out together." Ginny rolled her eyes, "After all, it's just sooo easy to rub a fact that nobody knows about in Ron's face."
"Absolutely."
"Draco." Ginny gave him a narrow look, "Sometimes I really wonder if your apparent stupidity is really an act or not."
"Apparent stupidity?!" The blond looked outraged, "My grades are as good as Granger's, if not better."
"That's why I said apparent." An amused grin appeared on her face, "Or maybe it's that fall down the stairs you took yesterday," she added sweetly.
"I still have to pay your brother back for that."
"And what was up with that stampede out of the dungeons last night?"
A scowl immediately appeared his face. "Some idiot flooded the Slytherin common room-"
Her grin widened. "I heard that you almost got trampled in the process."
"Somebody will soon have their tongue ripped out," was the dry reply.
"I love it when you go all evil, Drakkie."
"Don't call me that!" Suddenly something in what she said occurred to him, "Are you implying that I'm not evil enough?" he demanded.
"Do you honestly want me to answer that?"
"ACK!" Ginny jumped as Draco abruptly let out a cry of frustration before he stood up and began pacing.
"I'm not evil enough?" He asked again.
"Why the heck would you want to be?"
"I have a reputation to uphold, damnit!" Draco snarled angrily and then he added under his breath, "Not to mention I'm supposed to be a Death Eater in training and all that jazz."
"Malfoy!" This time Ginny jumped up onto her feet and placed her hands on her hips. "I thought you stopped going to those Young Death Eater meetings already!"
"I did!" He protested, "But how can I be a good spy if I can't pull off the evilness thing?"
"Well, Ron still thinks that you're a spawn of Satan." Ginny offered.
"He also thinks I'm an SOB, but that doesn't help." Just as abruptly Draco plopped down onto the grass again. "I swear this is all your fault."
"Now just a minute here, Malfoy! How is all my fault?"
"You're making me less inclined to be nasty and evil."
"Oh pleeeease. Give me a break." Ginny rolled her eyes at him, "Next thing you'll be telling me some romance novel crap like how I make you want to be a better man."
"Weasley, I like you," he drawled, "But not that much."
"No," Ginny corrected, "We tolerate each other - at best."
"Damn shame. I was thinking we could recreate that Romeo and Juliet atmosphere. You know, the feuding families and stuff."
"So you want wild, premarital sex while we're at it?" Ginny somehow managed to ask this with a straight face.
"Are you offering?"
Ginny placed her hands over her eyes and gave a loud sigh. "Why are we here again?"
"Weasley, I think we've been over that part about seven minutes ago."
Both of them were silent for a moment.
"Think about what it would do for my image though." Draco finally said, "And I could piss your brother off at the same time."
"You're just desperate, aren't you?"
"I'm reasserting my evilness - and that includes seducing the sister of my worst enemy."
"Why Draco," Ginny gave him an arch look, "What happened to all that gossip about you being the ultimate ladies man?"
"My publicist was being a pain in the arse." Draco gave a careless wave of his fingers, "Maybe I should fire him."
"Well, what did your publicist have to say about the fact that you're hanging out with me?"
"That depends on you, really," Draco drawled, giving her a thoughtful look, "Apparently you can either be the nice innocent Gryffindor you are and me being the evil, uh, bad boy I am, I'm supposed to corrupt you and turn you against everyone on your side."
Ginny looked rather amused by this. "What's the second option then, hotshot?"
"You can be the feminine version of evil incarnate and try to break up Potter and Granger because you haven't gotten over Potter, but you're sleeping with me on the side though. Oh, and you're supposed to act really bitchy while you're at it." Draco added the last sentence as an afterthought.
"Maybe I should submit an application for Death Eater boot camp while I'm at it too." Ginny said dryly.
"Sorry to disappoint you, but I think application period's over for this year." Draco smirked at her, "Don't worry, you can still be my evil mistress."
"How many of them are you planning to have?"
"Uh…" Draco pondered this, "Good question."
"Because everyone thinks that you're with Pansy and half of Slytherin house."
"Okay…my publicist can keep his job a bit longer." Draco then added nonchalantly, "By the way, if you go with option B, you're having my kid next year."
"You're kidding me."
"Hey, I'm not the one that decides those things!" Draco protested as Ginny advanced on him threateningly, "Blame all those crazy writers out there! Besides, I only said IF!"
"Good, because there is no way I'm having your kids anytime before I'm twenty-five and I see a large rock on my finger!"
Ginny immediately regretted that outburst as Draco's trademark Malfoy smirk reappeared.
"So you do like me that way!" he crowed, "I knew I'm irresistible!"
"And you should be thanking me for the ego boost," Ginny grumbled, "Evil, arrogant prick suffering from multiple personality disorder."
"Thank you! I'm finally evil again!" Draco actually got up and did what looked like a little jig.
"I can't believe the writer of this crazy story is actually going to make me marry that prat," muttered Ginny under her breath.
Here the author just lost her train of thought (all twenty cars of them), so until next time!
End Part 2
P.S. I'm feeling abandoned here, yo! Any signs of human activity whatsoever would be greatly appreciated.
=)