I was in too deep. I'd gotten too involved in a one-sided friendship. But I couldn't let go. It'd hurt too much. It was like hanging onto a rope and my hands were burning. Do I dare let go, dive into the fire and burn? Or do I stay? And wait for something to happen? My hands hurt. They hurt so much. I didn't know how much longer I could hold on. Why should I? My hands hurt. Who was around? Who was going to save me? Would she? Would she care? Would she fight? Maybe she'd fight. Maybe she'd tell me we can do this. Maybe she wouldn't. Maybe she'd agree. Maybe she'd tickle me and watch me burn in the fire. Maybe she wouldn't. Maybe she'd be down there, too. Burning. Crying. Feeling pain.
I felt horrible. I didn't want to see her suffer. I didn't care anymore. I just didn't want anything to happen to her. I didn't care about what happened to me. I didn't want her to hurt anymore. But if she wasn't even hurting, that'd hurt me even more. Maybe she just didn't care. Maybe she really didn't. Maybe she'd been sitting on the edge, waiting for me to fall so she could walk away. Maybe I was horrible for thinking those thoughts. She's not like that. She would never be like that. She'd sympathize. But I didn't want that either. I didn't want pity love. I wanted just plain love. The love that we'd never have. So do I let go? Or do I hold on?
And she was so happy with Ron. He began showering her with gifts and kisses. He just wanted her happy. He loved her. He made her happy. He had matured. He was perfect now. I wanted to hit myself. He wasn't perfect. No one's perfect. But he had Hermione. So he must have been perfect. It put a strain on our friendship. It was so hard to concentrate. It was so hard to look at him when all I wanted to do was wring his neck and wipe that happy look off his face. That made me feel horrible. I disgusted myself. I didn't deserve Hermione. I was a horrible person. Who hates their best friend over a girl? Not good friends. But I did. I hated him. I hated him because he had her. He had her and I didn't. And I'd wonder. I'd wonder, what does he have that I don't have? It was ironic. That growing up, he had probably asked himself that question regarding me. And now it was I, jealous of everything he had. Loving him as a brother. Hating him, envying him, wanting to be him with everything I was.
Did she think of me? Maybe she didn't. When she heard my name being spoken, what did she think? Maybe she didn't. Maybe I was nothing special. I was scared that I was nothing special. I wanted to be special. That made me sound shallow but I did. In fact, I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. I just…wanted her. It was so simple. I didn't want to be Ron. I didn't want more courage. I didn't want more time. I just wanted her. And I couldn't. And it sucked so much. I wasn't emo. I was frustrated. It was like walking in the desert for years and not being strong enough to reach the glass of water. I felt like crying but no tears come out. I was so jealous and miserable sometimes. The change she'd made in me had become so negative so fast. I just wanted her. I didn't understand why I couldn't have her. I would try so hard to talk to her but it was just too hard. It was like I had forgotten how to talk to her. I was making her into a horrible person. Why? I didn't even have an answer. Now I really didn't know what to do. I just didn't. I was so sick of it. Of not knowing what to do. I just…I wanted to sit down and cry. But I couldn't. I had to be strong. But I didn't want to fight. I didn't know anymore. I lost so much sleep and she saved me so many times in battle when I was exhausted.
That's when the re-occurring nightmares started.
~*~
We were in our office. I was sitting at my desk, on my chair. She crossed her legs and sat on my desk. "I can't stand you, Harry." She said it with as much non-chalant-ness as if someone had asked her, "Paper or plastic?". Her eyes were blank. They showed no emotion. Suddenly, the office turned into our kitchen. She was sitting across the table from me. Ron was sitting next to her. He put his arm around her. "I'm so happy without you." Again, an emotion-less face for me. Then she snuggled up to Ron's shoulder and smiled at him.
~*~
I woke up nearly screaming. It took me several minutes to remember that wasn't real. I hated that feeling. When you wake up and try to remember what's real and what isn't. It happened every night, for the next few months. The same dream, more or less.
~*~
We were in our office. She was reading a book. Ernie came up to her and gave her flowers. She took them in her hands and smelt them. Then she raised her head and looked at me. "I can't stand you, Harry. I hate you."
~*~
I was in the Hogwarts Owelry. Pockster handed me a pink letter. It was a howler. "Hello, Harry." Her voice was sweet and innocent. "I can't stand you." ~*~
Ron and Ginny were getting out of their bus. Still in their Quidditch Uniforms. People were shouting questions to them. Hermione suddenly appeared next to Ron. "Is it true you hate Harry Potter?" someone asked. She smiled happily and wrapped her arms around Ron's waist. "Yes. I can't stand him."
~*~
We were back at Hogwarts, in the Great Hall. I was playing wizard's chess with Malfoy. Suddenly, he turned into Hermione. She took her king and threw it at me. "I can't stand you, Harry."
~*~
I was making breakfast. Ham and eggs. Ginny came into the kitchen dressed in her Quidditch Robes. She came up to me and kissed me. When she leaned away, she had suddenly turned into Hermione. She smiled happily. "I hate you, Harry."
~*~
I couldn't separate reality from dreams anymore. The same dream haunted me every night. I lost so much sleep. I didn't want to sleep some nights. I knew she'd be back. She was always there. Always.
I had to talk to her. I had to tell her. Not about my dreams. But about how I felt. I wanted her. I wanted her back. I ran everything into the ground right when everything was looking up. How could I do that? I didn't know. I got up and went downstairs. It must have been five-five thirty in the morning. I looked around the grey kitchen. Something was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it but I started cooking breakfast. Wandless. It'd been years since I had made a meal without magic. But that day, I decided to. The smell must have woken everyone up. Ron and Ginny came down, scratching their heads. They thanked me for the meal. I glanced at the clock. Merlin, it was already seven o'clock. Hermione came down when halfway through our meal. She took a plate, filled it with pancakes and sat down next to Ron. She smiled at me and thanked me. I smiled nervously and looked away, trying to forget the same dream that woke me up so early to make breakfast.
~*~
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I can't believe you thought you deserved me!!"
~*~
The three of them had engaged in a quiet conversation about the semi-finals against the Canadian team. Ron was just about to tell us about the new wrist guard he bought when his food fell out of his mouth. As did mine. Hermione's fork fell out of her hand.
There was Ned, half-dressed, walking into the kitchen. He stopped at the doorway, staring as us, as if suddenly remembering we lived here as well. I could hear his labored breathing.
"R-Ron." He started, his eyes the size of saucers.
But Ron didn't answer. He got up from his chair and Ned bolted for the front door. Ginny ran after Ron. Hermione simply sat at her chair, her head bowed, stifling her laughter. If you listened closely, you could hear the three screaming at one another in the street.
I looked at Hermione; she was turned pink, her smile brightening the room. "You knew."
She laughed again, still looking at her breakfast. "I helped sneak him in last night."
I couldn't say anything. It wasn't the best thing to do. She probably knew Ron would kill him the next day. Actually, she probably told him Ron was alright with it, knowing full well they'd get into a fight the next day. I should have been mad at her. But I wasn't. I just loved her more. She was so spunky. Ready to break the rules for her friends. I loved it. I loved everything about her. It seemed as though everything she did and didn't do was perfect. Of course, she wasn't perfect. But…she was.
"You're not worried?" I asked.
She showed a confused face. "Why would I be worried?"
"Ron'll be mad at you."
She laughed. "He won't."
She said it with such certainty I couldn't say anything back. I bent down and ate some more breakfast. As I was chewing, I brought my head back up and looked at her. She was doing the same thing. We ate in silence, chewing at one another. She'd smile after she took a sip of milk. I'd smile back. We were smliing at one another. Not normal smiles. Specials smiles. Smiles we weren't really supposed to give to one another. But we didn't care. It was as though the past few months were normal. As if we usually did speak on a daily basis. We kept smiling. Smiling, smiling, smiling.
She mumbled another thank you as she cleaned her dish. Before I could respond, she was upstairs. We spent the rest of the day working in our own rooms. Ron and Ginny came back home around eight, hand in hand. I supposed they were alright, now. I smiled to myself. It was Ned. Come on. He was without a doubt, one of the sweetest guys I'd ever met. He was definitely always there for Hermione. They were such good friends. I envied it. I used to be him.
~*~
The day dragged on but even at midnight, Ron and Ginny were practicing in the backyard and I could hear Ned cheering them on. I was getting ready for bed when I decided I needed more water, I took my glass and made my way across the hall. I stopped on the way to glance in Hermione's room. She was crying. She was sitting on her bed and crying. She was crying. I couldn't get over it. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen her cry. I felt a surge of emotions rush through me. I hope it's Ron. I hope he messed everything up between them. I hope he told her he hates her. I hope they've broken up. God, I hope he's fucked it all to hell and broken her heart. But the softer side won over me. Oh god, she was crying. She was whimpering. It was the most depressing sight I think I had ever seen. She was so incredibly beautiful. It wasn't fair. She was crying and judging by the way she was clutching her pillows, her heart was breaking. I wanted to walk in. I wanted to knock on her door and walk in. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to hold her and tell her it was going to be alright, whatever it was that was upsetting her. So I did.
For the first time in months, something came over me and I walked into her room. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her. She shook slightly when she felt the weight but welcomed it. We sat there for a while, I listened to her cry, wanting to kiss her tears away. Wanting to hold her closer. Wanting to love her. But I didn't. I knew I was pushing my luck with my arm around her. What would Ron say if he were to come in?
"I shouldn't be here," I said once she finished crying.
She wiped a tear away and stilled her shoulders. "No, you shouldn't." But she didn't push me away.
That scared me. It made me feel like I was betraying Ron, my hand on her shoulder. I looked at my arm. Such a simple act of kindness could be seen as an act of betrayal. And I coudln't do that. Not to Ron. No matter how much I wanted Hermione, no matter how much she might want me, Ron was my best friend. I took my arm away and wondered why she sighed sadly. Perhaps because she wanted it to stay there?
"Don't cry," I said softly. Then I got up and left the room.
"I'm so confused," I heard her say to herself as I made my way down the stairs. I shook off my curiosity and went into the kitchen. After filling up a glass of water, I left and bumped into Ginny and Ned, holding hands once again. They smiled at me and wished me good night. Then they left. I guess they were staying at his place that night.
Ron came in as they were leaving. "Good night!" he whispered. Ginny turned around and nodded. Then they disappeared into the night. Ron and I were alone.
"How was the practice?" I asked.
"Not bad," Ron said, "Bit disturbing that she takes so many water breaks to snog Ned, though."
I laughed and Ron smiled.
"Well, as long as she's happy, I suppose," He sighed. I nodded. Ron was so accepting. There was a comfortable silence as I sipped my water. "Hey Harry…"
"Yeah?"
"Have I been a good boyfriend today?"
I knitted my brows together. Ron had been a good boyfriend for months. Ever since Hermione and he had that talk after our kiss. I didn't want to say it but I couldn't deny it.
"You've been great, Ron."
He mumbled, "Hmm," and bit his lower lip. Then he clucked his tongue and grinned. "I guess she's just a bit on edge, right? Turning twenty-five, and all. These women and their emotions." He slapped me on my back and jogged upstairs.
Cue heart attack. Oh god. Oh god. Oh GOD. Oh….oh GOD. Oh….OH…OH MY GOD. I had completely forgotten. Oh GOD. OH GOD, I forgot her birthday. I dropped my glass and barely registered it crashing to the floor. Oh CHRIST. I wanted to play the blame game. Ginny, Ned and Ron hadn't made it such a big deal. I don't even know what they got her! Then I remembered her saying something.
"It doesn't matter what we do for my birthday, boys. I just want us all alive and well after this war. After that, you two could forget my birthday for all I care."
We didn't celebrate birthdays. It just lost its tradition. After defeating Voldemort and all of us alive and unharmed, nothing could top that. But she was crying. She was fucking crying and it was because of me. It could have been anything else but at that moment, I certainly hadn'd added any happiness in her day. I didn't do anything for her. I didn't even wish her a happy birthday. I forgot. I bloody forgot. Oh GOD. How was I supposed to get out of this one?
~*~
It was three o'clock in the morning. I hadn't slept all night. I had to get this just right. The paper had ripped so many times. I was shaking with nervousness. I didn't want to mess this up again. But I didn't. After a little bit of tape, I had successfully made an origami swan. I brought it up to analyze all the details. Yes, it was perfect. Unlike the last seventeen. This one was definitely perfect. I turned it upside down and scribbled hastily. To Hermione. Happy Birthday. Then I paused. I didn't know what to write. Love Harry? Your friend Harry? From Harry? I thought for a couple of minutes and then decided on one. To Hermione. Happy Birthday. Harry. I knew it was perfect. And although she knew I didn't know origami and would eventually figure out that I just spent the last five hours learning it for her, I knew she'd love it. And that was all that mattered.
~*~
It didn't seem like Ron knew about her crying. She must have cleaned herself up quickly. Breakfast was quick as Ron and Ginny went outside again to practice. Hermione was taking her time to eat her breakfast. I had finished and couldn't help but glance at the swan, sitting on my lap, hiding from society. I licked my lips and took it into my hand. It was more perfect than last night. But when I glanced up, I knew, in comparison, it was hideous. "Hermione?" It came out as a squeak.
She stilled her motions and lay her fork down on her plate. She raised her head and looked at me.
I died. Those eyes killed me. They were so…
"Yes?"
Beautiful. It was the only word I could think of. I had never truly understood what the word beautiful meant. There was hot. There was stunning. Attractive. But Hermione was…beautiful. I placed the swan on the table in front of her. I couldn't think of what else to say. What would I say if she said something? Maybe she didn't like it. Suddenly, the swan seemed miniscule as opposed to delicate. Cheap, as opposed to thoughtful. I got up from my seat, unwanting to see her reaction.
"Thank you," I heard her say so softly as I rushed out.
Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to *someone special* out there. There's hot. There's stunning. Attractive. Gorgeous. Striking. Beautiful. And then there's exceptional. You learn origami for exceptional.