It was a long wait. She never said anything after I gave her the swan. The next few months were pretty bad. The Death Eater attacks were weaker. It was easier. We started talking a little bit more when we were in company. She gave me looks. I have her looks. Looks only we understood.
"I miss you."
The looks said it all. We didn't need words to say how we felt. At least, that's what I wanted to believe. It most probably wasn't true. But we kept looking at one another and I simply refused to believe those were bad omens. We chatted sometimes. Sometimes when we were with company, sometimes when we were alone. When we didn't, we spent most of the time glancing at one another. At first I thought these were bad signs. And then I thought that perhaps they weren't. As horribly as I had messed everything up, as horribly as it was, she looked at me differently. She noticed me when I walked into a room. Maybe not in a good way. But she was. I had put my feelings out to be known. I wanted her to know how I felt so I told her things. And maybe she didn't feel the same way, I don't know. But she knew I knew. And that was how I knew for a fact that somehow, the thought of us together had entered her mind. When she was with Ron, I knew the thought of us must have entered her mind. I knew she must have spent at least one night, the night I gave her the note, thinking of us.
And just when I had convinced myself of that, she broke up with Ron. And I just had to be there.
~*~
"What are you saying?" Ron was sitting on the lounge chair, his hands pressed against his forehead. He was hiccuping and tears would slowly fall from his face.
She sniffed in response. She and I were sitting on the couch. "Please, Ron. Try to understand."
He swallowed, containing his anger. "I just…I just don't."
"It's not you, Ron. You're incredible. You're an amazing boyfriend and such a good man. It's me. I don't deserve you."
Ron closed his eyes in agony and let the tears fall. "I…."
She held up a hand, looking at the floor. "Please, Ron, don't make this harder than it has to be."
Ron laughed harshly. "You're the one who's making this complicated. Why can't we just be happy? We were fine! I asked you what I could do to make you happy! And you told me to mature! To grow up! I did!"
She nodded. "Yes, you did. And I love you for that."
The words hit me hard and I nearly died.
Ron panted, unable to think of what else to say. "You love me," he repeated her sentence and nearly scoffed when she nodded. "You see, the thing is, Hermione," He took a deep breath and sniffed, "I'm in love with you."
I flinched. I wanted to leave but I couldn't. So I shifted further away from Hermione and remained silent.
"What do you have to say about that?" He asked patiently.
I felt my breath catch in my throat. I turned to Hermione, who had her eyes shut hard and shaking her head.
"I…"
Ron waited, knowing he wasn't going to get the answer he so desperately needed.
Hermione broke down in loud sobs. "I'm so sorry," she cried, "I loved you. I was in love with you. I was so in love with you."
Ron cringed at her words. "Say it," he begged her, "Please say you're in love with me."
She shook her head and bawled louder. "I want to," she said between cries, "I want to. I want to."
He growled, pulling at our throw pillow. "That's all you've got!?" He demanded fiercely, tears flowing from his eyes. " 'I'm sorry'? 'You're not my type?' Is that all you can say?!"
Hermione shook at his anger. "I'm sorry," she repeated again, gasping for air.
"What about my looks?" Ron spat out, getting up from the lounge chair. "My money?"
"Stop," Hermione wept, "You know this isn't true."
Ron shook his head. "My humor? My family?"
Hermione shook her head. "Stop," she said as firmly as she could.
"It's something, Hermione. Something about me that you can't stand!"
I flinched again, remembering my dream from last night.
~*~
"God, I can't stand you, Harry. Why won't you just leave me alone? Don't you see I'm happy without you?"
~*~
I turned to Hermione, trying to picture her saying those words to me. But I couldn't. Not when she was crying. When she was crying, I couldn't picture her mad. I couldn't picture her hating me. I couldn't think. So I didn't move. Uncomfortable as I was.
"Ron, please, don't do this. I love you, I just.."
"SHUT UP," Ron suddenly shouted, his tears flying around his head. He stomped the ground fiercely. "WHAT IS IT?! IS IT MY NERVOUS HABITS? MY HORRIBLE JOKES? WHAT IS IT!?"
Hermione sniffed and wiped at her face. "Ron…"
He shook his head and looked away. "Just go," he said, surprisingly softly, "Just go."
So she did. She got up and left. That very day, she disapparated home for the weekend. I wanted to say goodbye. I knocked on her door. But she was already gone. The swan was still intact and perfect, above her bed.
~*~
I took Ron out. I knew he didn't want to stay home. We never made it to Hogsmead. He started crying. I started crying. So we came home crying.
"Oh BLIMEY," Ron gasped, falling on the couch.
I fell on the lounge chair. It was strange that only hours before, Hermione had rejected him.
"Oh blimey," Ron repeated.
I brought my bangs down over my head and let them cover a bit of my eyes. It brought a sad feeling over me. It felt good, strangely. As if someone understood the emotions running through my veins. They were broken up. They were finally broken up. She was single. She was finally single. And yet, she was Ron's ex now. She was Ron's ex-girlfriend. It was just a disaster.
She's my best friend.
She hasn't spoken to me in seven months.
She's Ron's ex-girlfriend.
"Oh Ron," I moaned, uncertain of whether or not I should strangle him or thank him.
Ron raised an eyebrow. "Is everything alright?" he asked, tripping on his words.
I stared at him. Only Ron. Only Ron would still care about me on the same day as the love of his life rejects him completely. Normally, I wouldn't have said anything. But I was a bit drunk. And Hermione was a bit single.
"It's about that girl, isn't it?" Ron asked tiredly, rubbing his eyes.
I completely lost control of myself. "Yeah, yes it is."
Ron stayed quiet for a while but finally sighed. "Can I give you some advice?"
My ears tingled and I looked at him. "Go ahead."
He sighed again and draped an arm over his eyes. "Girls are a waste of time."
I couldn't help but chuckle. "Not this one."
"Oh, Harry," he groaned and shook his head, moving his arm in time with it, "Harry, Harry, Harry, they'll be the death of you. Just look at Hermione. She's absolutely insane. And she's driven me insane as well."
I laughed to myself. Here we were, talking about the same girl. Yet obviously having two different points of views.
"I did everything for her," he whispered.
I nodded. It was true. He was good to her. I wondered why Hermione broke it off.
He sniffed and lay down on the couch. He sighed a long sigh. "Good Godric, is it really over? Eight-year relationship…out the window?"
The number rang in my ears. Eight years. And she just cut it off. Just like that. As if it was nothing.
~*~
"I couldn't care less about you." Her eyes were blank. "I hate you, Harry." She said it as if it was nothing.
~*~
I sighed and rubbed my eyes.
Ron noticed it and bowed his head. "I'm sorry; I'm completely dumping on you."
I raised my hand to stop him. "No. No, Ron. Your problems are much bigger than mine right now."
He sighed sadly. "I just can't believe it's over."
I couldn't believe it either. But I was definitely happier than Ron at the moment. We sat for a while, listening to the crickets outside. It took me a while to realize the silence was uncomfortable.
I glanced up to look at Ron.
He was looking at me with pain in his eyes. "It's Hermione, isn't it?" He asked softly.
I wanted to deny it. I wanted to tell him he was hurting and wasn't thinking correctly. But I had enough of hiding. And he knew. I could see it. He knew. So I sighed. "Yes."
He nodded slowly and glanced at his hands. "You know," he laughed for a second, "I think I've always known."
I stayed quiet. It was Ron's time to talk.
"I think I've always known. You…you're just better suited, aren't you? That Skeeter wrote so many articles and I never wanted to believe them. But it was always there, wasn't it? It never really went away. She rejected my proposal. Wanted me to act more like you. And then…"
I froze. Did he know about the kiss?
"I just knew. The way she acted with me after she got her eyesight back. It was as though she had opened her eyes to a different world." He paused and pointed at me. "You gave her the note?"
I nodded, a bit embarrassed.
"Yeah, she spoke about that. Had a hard time replying to it. I never got to read it. She didn't let me. She doesn't let me read her things. She…she doesn't let me in. I never knew what her note said. But she stayed up all night trying to write something back."
I couldn't say anything. Her note. Her little tiny note took her all night?
Ron bit his lower lip. "She thought about you," he whispered in pain. It was killing him to admit she loved someone else. "She thought so much about you. She was always distracted. When I suggested she talk to you about it, she'd clam up." He breathed in for a second. "She always clams up to me. But never to this…secret admirer. Never to this…stupid ponce who sent her love notes. I thought…I thought it was just a phase. A silly fangirl phase." He breathed in again and let a tear slide. "And then the swan." He started crying again.
I held my breath and let a tear fall. He was hurting. He was hurting so much. His heart was breaking. He loved Hermione. And…Hermione loved me. "We never meant to hurt y-"
"That fucking swan!" he cursed quietly. "I saw the way she looked at it. At night. She'd turn it upside down and read something on the bottom and smile. She smiled in that way she smiled at the note. She smiled and I knew…" He closed his eyes, wishing it was a nightmare, "She was in love with him." He paused, letting his eyes wander to Harry's feet. "With you."
I sighed and swallowed. "You hate me." I almost laughed at the irony.
He scoffed. "Of course I hate you. I hated the idea of you. I hated how she thought of you and tried to distract herself with me." He breathed in, letting his eyes widen. "And now I know you're real, now I know who you are, yes, I hate you."
I swallowed again. He had a right to hate me. I had a right to hate him. "I'm sorry we didn't tell you, Ron."
"I'm your best friend, Harry. Your best mate. Your first man."
The words hit me deep. He was right. All my jealousy, all my horrible thoughts of what I wanted to do to him flew out the window. I was filled with guilt. "We let a girl come between us."
"Yeah, we did. And here I thought we were stronger than that."
I glanced up quickly. "Ron, we're still friends, aren't we?"
He was quiet, cracking his knuckles with a vengeance.
I swallowed hard and fought tears. "Ron?" I asked hoarsely.
"You hurt me, Harry" He whispered, letting some tears escape. He looked at me, the hate in his eyes were gone. "You hurt me. Both of you. Hiding all of this from me. Hiding your feelings for one another from me. You hurt me."
The three words rang in my ears until I could think no more.
He laughed and wiped at his eyes. "When I was with her, she'd think of you. She'd always pretend she was fine and happy with me. But I knew it was a lie. The little tiny things people didn't notice. And especially at night. She'd turn her back to me, sometimes hold the swan and cry herself to sleep when she thought I was asleep."
I shuddered. The thought of her in so much pain pained me.
Ron thought for a moment. "Then when I was with you, you'd think of her. You never really tried to pretend you were alright. You'd always think about her, 24/7. I thought you were obsessed. I thought to myself, 'Honestly, unless it's Hermione, no girl is worth all this'." He stopped and laughed. "Well, I guess she was worth it after all, wasn't she?" he whispered.
We were quiet again, listening to the crickets. I'd give anything to make them shut up. I was trying to think. Hermione was in love with me. Hermione thought about me. All those nights when I'd lose sleep, wondering if she was thinking of me, she was crying herself to sleep. All those times when I thought she was happy with Ron, she was thinking of me. All those times I hated Ron, he hated me back. I sighed a long heavy sigh. "I'm so sorry, Ron."
He nodded. "You couldn't help it."
I shook my head. "It's no excuse. I've been stupid these past months. I should have told you-"
He put his hand up. "I understand," he said, "It's hard to talk to me when…I'm dating her." He grinned his Ron grin and I couldn't help but smile back. There was another silence as we nestled into the comfort of our friendship.
"Do you forgive me?" I asked quietly.
He was quiet for a moment, contemplating the question. "Yes." He said after a wait. "Yes, I do."
I smiled in relief. I couldn't lose Ron as a friend. I needed him.
He smiled back. "You never wronged me, Harry. You never tried to carry on with her when she was with me." He paused, admiring his friend. "You wanted her but you stayed back, knowing she was mine. I thank you for that. It says a lot about our friendship."
I nodded. I had never thought of it. There was another silence as we looked at one another for a little while longer. "You…" I started. He looked up at me. I smiled back, admiring him. "You've truly matured over the years, haven't you, Ron?"
He smiled and laughed. "I have. I'm a bit late but I have."
I smiled again. I seemed to be doing a lot of smiling. I put my hand out to shake his hand. He looked at it and scoffed. Then he got up from his seat, walked up to me and pulled me into a hug.
"I forgive you," he said again.
"Thank you." I whispered, wondering if I deserved it.
Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to *someone special* out there. I lied. I want you to be happy. But I'd prefer it if I were included in happy.