The Sweat of a Gladiator
A/N: Cue Neville
Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc. etc.
Chapter Thirteen
Harry Potter had a fair idea on what he and Neville would find after he completed his "walk & think" in front of the Room of Requirement - it wasn't the first time he'd been there with thoughts of a quiet place to eat and talk. The Room was sentient enough to know that familiarity lent itself to comfort, and opened the doorway into an unoccupied but cozy-looking pub that Harry knew well.
"Nice place you thought up, Harry," Neville said as they slid into a corner booth.
Harry nodded. "It's is the spitting-image of a pub that Ron, Hermione and I like to frequent."
"A quiet bit of the Muggle world when you need a break from the Wizarding one?"
"Something like that," Harry said with a grin. He then called for Dobby.
The house elf appeared instantly, wearing an apron and a bar towel draped over a shoulder. "Yes, Mr. Harry Potter, sir?"
"Something from the kitchens, please, Dobby?" Harry asked.
"Right away, Mr. Harry Potter, sir," Dobby replied. He then asked, "Will Harry Potter's `Mione be joining Mr. Longbottom and Mr. Harry Potter?"
"No, Dobby," Harry replied. "Hermione is spending some time with her dorm mates." He paused, and then said, "Which reminds me…Hermione won't have eaten either…will you please bring something for the three of them to eat to her room?"
Dobby's big eyes grew even larger, and his lower lip began to tremble. "Erm..Mr. Harry Potter, sir…," He looked down and grabbed his ears.
"Dobby," Harry said, "Care to tell me what makes you reluctant to bring Hermione some food?"
Dobby nodded. "Dobby loves Harry Potter's `Mione. Dobby would do anything for her, and bring food to her but…"
"Dobby, have you had some kind of bad experience in their room?"
The house elf bobbled his head somewhere in between a nod and shake. "One time Mr. Harry Potter asks Dobby to bring food to her room, but his `Mione wasn't there. But Miss Brown and Miss Patil were, and…Dobby would be a bad elf to say anything more."
"Dobby," Harry asked with some worry, "Lavender and Pavarti didn't make you do anything to them or for them, did they?"
Dobby shook his head. "Oh, no…they were laid down under a bright light, with no clothes on."
"Oh," said Harry. "Were they upset that you popped in on them that way?"
Dobby slowly shook his head again. "No, Harry Potter sir. They's asked Dobby to oil them down and be their `Towel Boy,'"
Harry laughed. "I don't know if that would qualify as abusive treatment or not…would it be easier if I asked Winky to bring them some food?"
Dobby nodded excitedly. "Thank you, Mr. Harry Potter, sir, that would be fine."
Harry thought for a moment. "Do you still have that keg of real ale I smuggled into the castle last visit?"
Dobby nodded.
"Then pump out four pints for Neville and me, and have Winky bring a round to the girls."
"What if they don't like muggle ale?" Neville asked.
Harry thought. "Then bring the extras back here, okay Dobby?"
Dobby nodded, and then disappeared. He returned a moment later with four full pint glasses on a bar tray, which levitated in between the two young wizards.
Neville grabbed a glass from the tray, then looked at the remaining three and asked, "Are we splitting these, or…?"
Harry snorted as he grabbed a glass with each hand. "Yeah, thought we'd save Dobby from making another trip." Taking a deep breath, then exhaling, he added, "Besides, after these two I'm planning on switching over to firewhiskey."
Neville laughed as he grabbed the other pint. "Long day, then?"
"That would be an understatement," Harry replied. "Amazingly wonderful day, in a lot of ways, but long and eventful." Thinking of his impending visit to the Granger's, he added, "And it's not even close to finished yet."
Neville nodded, thinking better of pressing for details. That his friend had sought him out meant that Harry had something to get off of his chest, but past experience suggested that Harry would want to do it on his terms, and at his own pace. Neville took a sip from his glass, and then decided to prod very, very gently. "Well that would explain the spike in `Trio rumors' today."
Harry looked at Neville with a bemused expression, just as Dobby returned with two plates of steaming hot pub grub. He thought about fishing the pensieve from his pocket, but decided against it. There wasn't time to show him what happened, and he didn't quite trust himself to edit out the more embarrassing personal bits.
"Neville," Harry said, "It's important for you to know what's really going on."
Neville gave Harry a "I'm listening" kind of nod, which encouraged Harry to provide a ten minute summary of the day while they ate…the poison pool, the negotiated deal with the hag, the revised deal with the hag, and the decision that Hermione and he had made to forego the spell-spanking option. While he did mention that all of this had forced Hermione and him to realize their feelings for each other, he left out all of the revealing bits about their bits that had catalyzed their discovery.
Neville listened to the amazing story with rapt attention. Not just because it was a compelling yarn, but because he knew Harry had a reason to be telling him these things. Halfway through the story he figured out where his role might come to play, but said nothing until Harry finished the recap.
"So let me see if I've got this straight," Neville finally said. "You were on the hook for one vial of, erm….'double pure sweat' is what you called it, right?…but then you made a deal to provide five vials of the stuff in exchange for the antidote now, and an extra week's time to collect it."
Harry nodded. "Either five of the `double pure' stuff, or two of the `triple pure"…our choice."
"And this `triple pure' sweat could be collected from either one extra-sweaty virgin wizard warrior, or two normal-sweaty virgin wizard warriors?"
"Yes," Harry acknowledged. "The sweat can only be collected from the time the virgin wizard, erm…enters the witch until the time he comes. Our hope is that with a week's time, and some practice, Hermione and I can stretch that time period out long enough to allow Susan and Luna to collect multiple vials."
"But if you don't last long enough, or if something goes wrong…."
Harry smiled. "Then we'll need another virgin wizard that can cast a corporeal Patronus."
Neville nodded, barely able to contain his excitement, "And that virgin wizard would need to…work…with two virgin witches to get that second vial?"
Harry gave a confirming nod. "Probably three…two to collect the sweat."
"So…have you lined anyone up for the job, yet?" Neville asked off-handedly.
"Erm, no," Harry admitted. "I knew for sure that you and Ron could cast corporeal Patronuses when I made the deal, but I guess I sort of assumed that one or both of you would not only still be a virgin, but would be willing to lose the virignity if need be."
The "if need be" part brought a laugh from Neville, as he drained his first pint and took a healthy nip from his second.
"Harry, you do know that I've only come close to casting a fully-formed Patronus that one time when I worked with you, right?"
Harry nodded. "It was corporeal, though."
"Barely," muttered Neville. He took a draw from his glass, and then added, "All you could tell from looking at it was that it had four legs and was bigger than a breadbox."
"Still," Harry replied, "that's better than most wizards can do. And I'm certain that you could do better with proper motivation."
"If you say so, Harry." Neville thought for a moment, then asked. "So would I need to furnish my own virgin witches, or would they be provided?"
"Neville," Harry said with mock shock, "such a thing to ask!" He then took a dramatic pause before replying. "The whole point about brokering that second deal was to avoid asking anyone to do something that they wouldn't want to do otherwise. Everyone would be working on a completely consensual and voluntary basis."
"So right now," Neville mused, "The cast of characters involves you and Hermione, with Luna and Susan collecting sweat?"
"Yeah," Harry confirmed. "Luna and Ron would be a second couple, but not for a while…it'll be four or five days before Poppy will let him out of the infirmary."
"Thought you had a week?"
"We do," Harry replied. "But during that time, research is needed on the spank-sweat option, and Luna and Susan need to practice collecting, and Hermione and I need some alone time to work on, erm…my control."
Neville chuckled. "So you need a sweaty stand-in, until Ron gets out of the infirmary?"
"You'd be far more than a stand in," Harry replied. "There some work to be done with the spell-spanking that I want no part of. You might be the star of that show, if it suits your fancy."
"But you wouldn't need me to be the back-up virgin with Ron and Luna available, right?"
Harry snorted. "Again, I'm not sure. I assumed that you and Ron were qualified, erm…virgins, but I never really did confirm that point with Ron….imagine I should confirm that you're…erm…qualified as well."
"What do you mean, Harry," Neville said with a smile. "You've seen my Patronus."
"You know exactly what I mean," Harry replied.
"Yes, Harry," Neville replied. "As much as it pains me to say it, your assumptions about my lovelife, or lack thereof, were correct."
"And that's something you'd be willing to change?"
"What teen-aged wizard wouldn't?"
"Erm…Colin Creevy?"
"Good point," Neville snickered. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
"Agreed."
"So about my earlier question, then," Neville asked. "You and Hermione are together…congratulations, by the way, about time you wised up…and Luna and Ron are a couple, but me and, well…who?"
"Ah, yes…" Harry agreed. "The million galleon question." He gave his good friend an appraising look. "Neville," he asked, "do you know just how much you've taken to your leadership role within the DA?"
"Nothing that I could have done without your help," Neville admitted.
"Don't sell yourself short," Harry replied. "I haven't been around the Castle much this autumn, but I have noticed how well you carry yourself during the training sessions. Hermione has too."
"Really?"
"Yes, and if what Hermione's told me is true, she's not the only witch in the group to have noticed your transformation into a tough and buff wizard."
"You're putting me on, Harry."
"No, no…I'm not, really. Look, it's not for me to notice these things…I'm that clueless git that took forever to realize how much Hermione and I fancied each other, right? But she's said that…well, maybe you should tell me. Are there one or two witches that you might fancy…ones that you've spent some extra time with arms around them making sure that their wand movements are correct?"
Neville hemmed and hawed for a moment before admitting, "Maybe."
"And maybe if we were to ask Susan Bones, Lavender and Parvati to consider working with you that the one you might fancy would be on that list?"
Neville smiled. "I'd say more than `might' fancy, Harry." After a moment, he added, "and maybe more than one." He then frowned, adding "But wouldn't these witches need to be virgins as well?"
"Yes," Harry replied. "they would…but you've never been one to believe the rumor mill, right?"
"Certainly not."
"Good, then," said Harry. He added, "Anyone else I should include in that list?"
Neville paused for a moment and thought. "Well, maybe…Padma Patil…just in case?"
Harry smiled as he nodded and looked down at his watch. "It's half-six, no time like the present." He quickly took a quill and some parchment from his rucksack and scrawled out messages to Hermione, Luna and Susan. He then called for Dobby, and asked him to deliver the messages with Winky's help.
Five minutes later Hermione entered the room with Lavender and Parvati. Harry and Neville stood to greet them.
"Thanks for the food and drink, Harry," Hermione said brightly, as she placed her hands on his hips and gave him a kiss that elicited giggles from the other two witches.
"My pleasure," Harry replied, as he allowed Hermione to scoot past him into the booth.
"Yes, Neville," added Lavender, "you two were very thoughtful." She grabbed Neville's hand and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek as she slid into the booth opposite Harry and Hermione. Neville stood gobsmacked and blushing, forcing Parvati to push him into the booth next to Lavender. She then scooted into the booth on Neville's other side.
"So how was your little talk?" Harry asked.
"Very revealing," Lavender quipped.
"I'd say more breathtaking than revealing," Parvati added.
"We imagine you might think so as well," said Lavender, giving Harry a wink.
Harry closed his eyes and shook his head slightly in resignation. "Helpful all around, then?" he asked, with a glance towards Hermione.
She smiled. "You'll see that it was very helpful."
Harry left it at that, as just then Susan Bones arrived. A moment later Luna arrived from Ravenclaw Tower with Parvati's twin sister. Harry enlarged the booth and had Dobby bring a round of ales and butterbeers. The newly arrived witches all offered Harry and Hermione their congratulations, which Harry accepted with some amount of bashfulness.
After a few more minutes of chit-chat, Susan decided to cut to the chase. "So, Harry, you mentioned in your note that there were some things that needed to be discussed and planned?"
Harry nodded. "So there are, ladies…Neville, would you please join me out on the dance floor?"
The request brought some laughs and cat-calls as the two young wizards scooted out of the booth and stood before the group of teen-aged witches.
"I'm betting that all of you have at least a rough idea of what's happened today, and I'm trusting that Luna and Susan will be able to fill you in on the details while Hermione and I are away from the castle."
"You mean we won't have Hermione's help with the arithmanic equations?" Luna asked.
"No," Hermione said. "Harry and I will be out of the country for a few days."
"Really?" Harry asked.
Hermione nodded. "Later, Harry."
His "Yes, dear," reply drew giggles and grins from his audience.
"So, as Hermione and I will be gone, we need to ask some or all of you to help pick up the slack with the tasks at hand."
Susan squinted a bit and cocked her head to one side. "Ahh…so I take it that Neville is the mystery virgin gladiator?"
Harry nodded while Neville looked down at the floor self-consciously.
"So you're assuming that while you're gone that he'll stand in your place, and that we'll…"
Harry shook his head. "No, Susan, I'm not assuming anything. I just thought that I bring you all together to lay out the possibilities. It'll be up to any or all of you to decide what to do from there."
Lavender Brown looked at the two wizards with circumspection. "Well, are you certain that all of us are qualified?"
Harry snickered. "Fair question, Lavender. I can't cast the betrothal charm to prove everyone's virginity, but perhaps Neville can demonstrate that he's a powerful enough wizard for the job?"
Neville looked at Harry rather sharply. "What are you doing?" he asked Harry out of the corner of his mouth.
Harry smiled, then leaned forward to whisper something into Neville's ear. Whatever he said brought a smile to Neville's lips, and he nodded. Neville took a few steps away from Harry, drew his wand, and after five seconds of closed-eyed concentration, yelled out, "Expecto Patronum!"
A corporeal life-sized Siberian tiger sprang out of Neville's wand-tip and let out a roar that drew "oohs" and "aaahs" from his audience. The tiger turned towards Neville and bowed his head slightly, before running a lap about the room just over everybody's head.
Neville looked just as surprised as everyone else.
Harry smiled as he drew his wand and summoned his own corporeal Patronus. The stag that leapt from his wand tip trotted over and lowered his antlered head to the tiger's. A few seconds later the stag raised its head back up and the tiger roared once more. The tiger then proudly sauntered over towards the witches, stopping in a hover a few feet over the table. It then sat back on its haunches and swished its tail over Susan Bones's head.
When the witches all looked up, Lavender, whose head was directly under the feline's belly, cried out, "Titan's testicles! Neville's tiger is hung like a horse!"
This observation elicited confirmatory expressions of appreciation from the other witches.
"Wow, Neville," Susan said, "when you produce a fully-formed Patronus you produce a fully-formed Patronus."
Harry chuckled. "And you know what they say, Susan, about a wizard with a well-endowed Patronus."
Parvati snorted as she stole a glance over at Harry's stag. "By Merlin he's right. Lavender…compare Harry's stag with Hermione's stapler!"
"Stapler?" asked Padma. "I thought that Hermione's Patronus was an otter."
Parvati reached over and grabbed her sister's arm, with a promise to explain later. Meanwhile, Susan began ogling Neville Longbottom in an entirely new light.
An alarm chime sounded from Harry's wristwatch. He glanced down, then announced, "I'm sorry we can't stay and chat, but Hermione and I are needed elsewhere….Luna, can I place the continuation of this conversation in your hands?"
Luna smiled and nodded her head, saying that that it might be better to have Susan's hands wrapped around the conversation, so that they couldn't be roaming elsewhere. Harry laughed out loud, then clapped an astonished-looking Neville on the back.
"Good luck, mate…not that I think you'll need it."
Hermione and Harry then left the room and started to make their way to the Headmistress's office. Along the way, Hermione asked, "Just what did you say to Neville to make his Patronus shine?"
Harry chuckled. "I suggested that instead of thinking about the happiest experience in the past that he concentrate on just how happy he would be if he were to get sweaty with any or all of the other girls."
Hermione shook her head in wonder and smiled. "Harry, I'm starting to get seriously worried about your Slytherin side."
"I thought you liked my snake."
"Prat." A beat later Hermione asked, "So is Neville really well-hung?"
"How would I know?"
"Well," Hermione reasoned, "You do have gang showers in the boy's dormitories, right?"
Harry snorted. "Okay…I'm confident enough to bypass the indignation…but it's not like I've ever seen him, erm…excited."
"But if you extrapolated from soft to hard, maybe using Mr. Phoenix for comparison?"
Harry thought for a moment. "Well if that's the case, then I'd say that that the maxim I made up about a wizard and his Patronus actually holds true for Neville."
Hermione smiled. "Thought so."
Harry tried to change the topic. "So I take it from Parvati's comments to Padma that you showed them the stapler?"
Hermione shrugged. "It was part of the deal."
"And, erm…were copies made?"
Hermione used the hand not entwined in Harry's to grab his arm in reassurance. "Don't worry, Harry…you'll see. They thought it was amazing."
"I'm more worried about what they'll do with it, rather then what they think of it."
"What…afraid that they'll go into the magical dildo business?"
"No."
"Come to think of it, it would be a very profitable enterprise," Hermione teased. "That stapler would be a very popular model…you could even provide an endorsement."
"Yeah right…I can see it now…witches lined up wanting me to autograph their copies."
"No worries there…they wouldn't want the ink to wear off in the wrong place."
Harry shook his head and sighed.
"Of course," Hermione continued, "Lav and Parvati might want to diversify. Wouldn't put it past them to have a full-scale Neville version by night's end."
"Oh great," snarked Harry. "Why don't you suggest that they get copies of all the great wizard's cocks…witches could start trading them like Chocolate Frog cards!"
Hermione nodded, as if she were seriously considering his comment. "They'd need some catchy marketing, though."
"What, the product isn't good enough to sell itself?"
"Oh, of course it is, Harry….just that they'd sell better with distinct model names."
"What, something like The Phoenix?"
Hermione shook her head. "That's my pet nickname Harry…I wouldn't dream of lending it out."
"Well, that's reassuring."
"Better just to call it something like the Harry 2000."
Harry snorted. "Well if you're going to rip-off broom names the Neville 2000 has a better ring to it."
Hermione smiled. "Now you're getting into the spirit, Harry."
"So instead of riding on a Nimbus, witches would be encouraged to ride on a Neville?"
"Why not?" Hermione asked. ""I'd daresay that I'd rather ride on Mr. Phoenix than on a broom any day of the week."
"That can be easily arranged, you know."
"Yes, Harry, I know." Hermione then stopped in the middle of the hallway and pulled him into a tongue-probing kiss. When she pulled back to catch her breath, she asked, "Just promise me one thing, Harry,"
"What's that?"
Hermione cooed as she brought her lips next to his ear and whispered.
"A very bumpy ride."
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