The Sweat of a Gladiator
A/N: If the time line of this story seems too implausible, well, do your best to ignore it…I could always go back and give Ron three hours instead of two and adjust accordingly. The important thing to remember for this chapter is that Hermione wasn't around when Harry learned that they had extra time to save Ron, or there to see Harry negotiate a deal that got the antidote in advance and a week's extra time to deliver some sweat.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc. etc.
Chapter Six
About twenty-five minutes before Harry negotiated the deal that saved Ron's life, Roger Granger politely declined his wife's invitation to help condom shop. It was therefore Hermione, Tonks and her mum that briskly walked down to the corner chemist (while still under the impression that they needed to collect some shaggy sweat before noon).
"So tell me Hermione," her mum asked along the way, "where on earth did you ever learn to do that little happy dance?"
"Forget where," Tonks piped in, "I want to hear why she was doing it."
"Sussh, Tonks," Hermione replied, "I'm certain you have a fair idea why."
"Well sure," the Auror replied, "Why else would you turn beet red whenever I tease you about how Harry makes your points all perky when…
"Tonks!"
"Relax, Hermione," Emily Granger said with a smile, "your father can't hear us from the surgery, and it makes me feel a little better knowing that you actually like the boy you'll be shagging."
"Mum!"
"Oh, I'd say it's long been past liking Harry for some time now," Tonks said brightly. "Did you ever hear about the time I caught Harry and Hermione claiming innocence when they were…"
Hermione whipped out her mobile phone and pointed it at Tonks. "Stop right there, Tonks, or else."
The pink-haired Auror laughed. "Or else what, Hermione…you'll ring up a hex?"
"Better," said Hermione with a nasty-looking smile. "I'll ring up your muggle father."
Tonks laughed again, although this time it wasn't quite as boisterous. "Go ahead, Hermione, I'm a twenty-four year old witch, and you couldn't tell him anything that would embarrass me."
"Oh yeah?" Hermione challenged. "Let's ask mum's opinion…Hey mum, did I ever tell you about the time I walked in on Tonks and Professor Lupin? She was dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood and bouncing up and down on the Big Bad Wolf."
Tonks let out a dismissive sigh. "Hermione, Remus and I are adults and there's nothing to be…"
"How about the time you used your metamorph skills to grow four more tits down your front and asked Remus if he wanted to suckle?"
"Hermione, language!" her mother admonished lightly.
"Sorry, mum, just trying to accurately quote so that you have a clear idea."
Emily looked at Tonks oddly and said, "Thank you, but the imagery was clear enough."
"Or hey Tonks," Hermione added, "do you remember that night you told Remus that it was your turn to be the Alpha, and then you bent him over and supersized your…."
"Alright! Alright! I'll play nice!" Tonks said with a fluster.
Hermione gave her friend a satisfied grin and pocketed her mobile while her mother looked at Tonks with amazement. Tonks slowed down just a step and grabbed Hermione's arm. "How did you find out about that last two?" she hissed.
Hermione shook her head and smiled. "My lips are sealed."
Tonks leaned over and whispered into Hermione's ear, "Yeah sure, but only until Harry Jr. spreads them wide open, eh?"
Hermione's ears burned red. "Tonks!" she hissed back.
Mrs. Granger looked over her shoulder and asked, "What are you whispering about ladies?"
They had finally reached the chemist's storefront, and a melodic door chime announced their entrance.
"Saved by the bell," Hermione said brightly, as she followed her mum inside. As she passed by Tonks she lowered her voice and leaned towards her older friend.
"I'll have you know, Tonks, that his name is Mr. Phoenix."
Tonks's eyes went wide with surprise. "Harry named his wand Mr. Phoenix?"
Hermione shook her head slightly and gave Tonks the kind of serene smile she so often saw on Luna's face. "No," she whispered in reply, "I did."
It only took the young Auror a few beats to work out the metaphorical reference. Her resultant laughter swept all three into the store.
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Charlie Parker had run the corner chemist's for more than thirty years, and known the Grangers for two-thirds of that time. It was, in fact, his friendly demeanor and helpful advice that had convinced Hermione's parents to establish their surgery in that part of town. He and his wife Helen were frequent guests in the Granger household, and they had treated Hermione like the granddaughter he never had.
Once she realized which chemist they'd be visiting, Hermione had hoped that the combination of Charlie's advancing age and her relative absence over the past six or seven years would keep her from being recognized. Her mother, however, would have none of that.
"Morning, Charlie," Emily Granger said, "look who's paying us a visit today."
The chemist looked up and smiled. "Well, as I live and breathe, is that your daughter Hermione?" he asked. "I wouldn't have recognized you child, you've gone and grown up while I wasn't looking."
"Yes, she has become quite the young adult," Emily said with a grin.
"Nice to see you again, Mr. Parker."
"Hey now, young lady," he replied, "to you I'm always Grandpa Charlie."
"Okay, Grandpa Charlie, I'd like to introduce my good friend, Dora Tonks."
"Pleased to meet you Mr. Parker," Tonks said with an outstretched hand.
Charlie nodded his reply, saying, "Any friend of this fine young girl…say, did you know I was the source for Hermione's nappies when she was just a tyke?"
"Really?"
"Oh yes, quite often I'd deliver them when the wife and I visited her mum and dad's. Changed a few of
them too…called it my `full service' program."
Hermione, who had heard that story far too many times, tried to move the visit along. "Grandpa Charlie, I'm sorry that we can't stay and chat, but we're in a bit of a pinch for time, and we need to buy, erm…that's to say, well, my friend here is visiting with her, erm…husband, and they forgot to pack the, erm…"
"Do you sell condoms?" Tonks abruptly asked in a bright and cheery voice.
Charlie squinted a bit at Tonks, but was quick enough to recover his professional demeanor.
"Certainly, Mrs. Tonks," he said, as he came out from behind the counter. "Right this way."
Tonks let out a rather large snort at the sound of her mum's name, which caused Hermione to swat her arm once Charlie's back was turned. As he led the three women down an aisle, her mother softly chided her daughter, saying, "There's no need to be embarrassed about being responsible, Hermione."
"Mum!" Hermione hissed. Odds that the chemist's hearing aid was turned down seemed slim when she noticed that Charlie's head twisted back around towards them just a bit.
Charlie stopped in front of a display and turned towards the three. "Here you are, erm…Mrs. Tonks…if you have any questions…"
"Then we'll know who and where to ask," Hermione said with a smile. "Thank you, Grandpa Charlie."
The man smiled, "Anything for you, Hermione."
+++
Hermione decided that they had a few minutes time to explain to Tonks the differences between regular and "magnum," lubricated and non-lubricated, latex and sheepskin, and thin and extra-thin. Given the circumstances, they had narrowed the choices down a bit, choosing "regular", "lubricated", "latex", and "as thick as possible."
Hermione tried her best to ignore a few of the choices, but Tonks was having too good a time embarrassing her not to ask, "Hey Hermione, what about these fruit-flavored ones?" That question was quickly followed by a short discussion between Tonks and Emily on the relative benefits of "ribbed, for her pleasure," and "studded, for her pleasure." It was left to Hermione to point out that it would be uncomfortable enough for her the first time without that extra friction.
"Maybe for you, Hermione," Tonks said with a grin, as she threw both boxes into their shopping bag. "You know," the Auror added, "that pensieve remote control idea was clever, but if you really wanted to rake in the galleons you'd invent the spell that would grow those bumps and ribs directly onto a wizard's wand."
Hermione snorted. "On a temporary or permanent basis?"
"Oh, temporary, of course," Tonks replied with a smile. "Of course, you might have a hard time recruiting test subjects during the development phase." She then picked a third box off of the display and cooed, "Ooh, here you go, Hermione, this one is smooth, but promises `Extended Pleasure.' What's it do, extend the length of the bloke's willie?"
"Tonks!" Hermione snatched the box out of her hands and took a closer look. "Latex condom with desensitizing cream." She nodded, saying, "Hey, this might actually help."
"What's a desensitizing cream?"
"Erm..some sort of topical anesthetic," Hermione replied. "Numbs you up, so you don't feel anything."
Tonks frowned. "Well I know that you're worried about the pain of the first time, but is it really
necessary for you not to feel anything?"
"Silly Tonks," Emily Granger replied. "The cream is inside of the condom, not outside. It's for the guy."
"Ah," Tonks replied, "So if the bloke can't feel as much, then he lasts longer?"
"Exactly." Hermione looked at the box, then back to the display and frowned. "Looks like it only comes in one dosage. You would think that they'd have a extra strength version for teen-aged boys."
"Yes, well you wouldn't want to freeze it completely off, would you?" Mrs. Granger asked with a smile.
"Mum," asked Hermione, as she handed her the box, "This desensitizer…is it anything like the anesthetic that you use in your dental practice?"
Mrs. Granger looked at her daughter a bit strangely. "What are you thinking dear, that I would stick a needle into Harry's willie in order to numb it up?"
"No, no, no…nothing that drastic," Hermione replied with a smirk, "although I could see that curbing his enthusiasm….I was thinking more about that soaked cotton swab you put up against a patient's gum where you plan on sticking them."
"Oh…well…let's have a look," her mother said, as Hermione handed her the box. She glanced at the fine print and said, "Benzocaine…yes, I thought so." She then turned to her daughter. "I'm afraid that a penile Novocain dunking would work just a little too well for your needs, dear."
"Why's that?"
"Well, while Novocain and benzocaine have the same numbing effect and roughly similar chemical structures, Novocain has the added benefit of being a vasoconstrictor."
Tonks furrowed her eyebrows. "Meaning?"
Dr. Granger turned towards the Auror. "It makes blood vessels constrict. Quite useful when you want to control bleeding, but rather counterproductive when you want to encourage blood flow to erectile tissue."
Hermione snorted. "Viagra in reverse," she observed. "Okay, so we can't nip some of your numbing agents from the office. Is there a way that we can get something a little stronger than this benzocaine to slow Harry down long enough to get the sweat that we'll need?"
Her mother thought for a moment before calling out, "Charlie?"
The elderly chemist once again came out from behind the counter.
"Charlie," Emily asked, "Do you have any lidocaine-dosed dermal patches?"
The chemist looked down at the box of "Extended Pleasure" condoms in her hand, then back up at Emily's face. "Yes, I do, Dr. Granger, although I'm not sure that they are an NHS-approved treatment for what you might be needing to fix."
"Yes, well, there's no time for Hermione's friend…"
"Mum!"
"Erm, I sorry…no time for Mr. Tonks to undertake the traditional `squeeze and release' regimen."
"Really?" the chemist asked, now thoroughly confused. "Well, you certainly can proscribe a supply, but I'm also certain that the NHS insurance program won't cover the cost."
"Thanks, Charlie, that won't be a problem." As the chemist walked back behind the counter to check on his stock, Hermione's mum started to muse. "Now…." she put her hand up to her chin in thought. "Might have to cut the patch down a bit, depending on his size, but that would affect dosage….Hermione exactly how large is Harry's penis?
"Mum, do you really need to know?"
Tonks and her mum looked at each other, then turned as one and said, "Yes."
Hermione shook her head. She'd had her fill of their embarrassing antics, and thought that it just might be time to turn the tables. With a bit of evil grin, she turned her back to the chemist's counter, reached into her bag and pulled out the transformed stapler.
"Here, see for yourself."
"No!" exclaimed Tonks with a rakish grin. "Really?"
"Hermione?" her mum asked with some uncertainty. "You didn't hex it off, or petrify it or something did you?"
Hermione shook her head, "No, of course not…I just transfigured your office stapler."
"So this, erm…phallus…it's a replica, then." her mum realized with relief. She then chuckled. "You know, you really don't have to boost Harry's ego when he's not within earshot, dear."
"No, that's the real size," Hermione replied with a smile.
"Oh, well then…" her mum said rather quietly. "You might want to bring along a box of `magnums' just in case." She then turned and called out, "Say Charlie, how big are those patches?"
"Looks like ten centimeters wide by eighteen long."
"Well he's got the length covered, then," Tonks said, giving Hermione a wink.
"Yes, I would say so," Emily replied. "But I don't think we should wrap it completely…maybe we should cut it into centimeter wide strips?"
"Why do that?" Hermione asked.
"Well, it'd give you some dosage control," her mum replied. "Put five or six on lengthwise, and if it numbs him so much he can't stay firm, you could just peel one or two off."
"Ouch," Tonks said. "That sounds painful."
"Hmmm," Emily thought. "I hadn't thought of that…the adhesive is pretty solid."
"Harry will love having them ripped off afterwards, then," Tonks snickered.
Hermione laughed. "I think Poppy could take care of that," she replied. "Seems like every year at least one male student fancies themselves a merry prankster and casts a sticking charm on a classmate's wand hand just before he tries to use the loo."
Hermione then asked a different question. "Mum, we won't have a whole lot of time to experiment… what if it works too well and Harry can't get it back up?"
"Hmmm…you're right," her mother replied. "It would be best to run a little clinical trial on another test subject."
Tonks looked around at the group and observed, "Nobody around here but us girls, unless you've got faith in the chemist."
"Well, Tonks," Hermione pointed out, "you can fix that, can't you?"
Tonks shook her head. "Sure, I could morph into Harry…even better than I used to, now that I've got some additional information on his bits. But that's not going to help test the plumbing."
"Oh yeah," Hermione remembered. "You'd have to be an animagus."
"Well then," Emily decided, "we could always enlist your father."
"Absolutely not, mum!"
"Oh, Hermione, grow up," her mum chided. "It's not like you leapt fully formed from your father's head like Athena."
Hermione let out a huge sigh. "Well," she concluded, "we don't have time to do that test…we'll just have to go with what we have." She then looked at her watch and said with a bit of alarm, "Barely forty minutes remaining." She grabbed the desensitizing cream condoms, a tube of spermicidal cream, and a tube of lubricant and threw them into the bag.
"Sorry mum, but we've got to run."
"I understand, dear." The chemist had just returned with the dermal patches, and rang them up along with the other items, doing his best not to imagine what his customers had planned.
With assurances that she'd be safe, and would return with an update later in the day, Hermione gave her mum a quick kiss and full bear hug, and ran out onto the sidewalk with Tonks close behind.
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It took a few minutes for Hermione and Tonks to get to their normal apparition point, and a few minutes more to wait for a lorry driver to finish a delivery and clear out from what was typically a deserted alleyway. When finally in the clear, they apparated to the front gates of Hogwarts. More time was lost when their "Accio broom" commands failed to provide a quick commute to the castle. There were thus forced to waste another five minutes time to run from the gate to the front door. Once inside they split up; Hermione headed towards the Room of Requirement while Tonks made her way to the Headmistress's Office to provide an update.
It seemed that Murphy's law was fully in effect; they'd arrived at the castle right at passing time, and the hallways were filled with students making they way between their different classes. As she dodged and weaved her way up to the Castle's seventh floor, Hermione decided that it was a good thing that they'd taken up a regular exercise program over the summer. She also thought it somewhat ironic that with all of the running it'd be far easier to collect the sweat off of her skin rather than Harry's. She then made a mental note to ask why the sweat of a powerful warrior-witch wasn't just as valuable.
Hermione rounded the last hallway corner expecting to see an anxious Harry waiting for her in front of the Room of Requirement. She was therefore caught off-guard when she spied Dobby standing there. She glanced at her watch and noticed that it was still fifteen minutes before noon; not a lot of time to enjoy what they needed to do, but time enough to get the job done.
"Dobby," she called out in a panic, "Where's Harry?"
The house-elf smiled and said, "Mr. Harry Potter sir told Dobby to wait here for his `Mione. Said to tell you that he, Miss Luna and Miss Susan went down in the infirmary to check on Mr. Ron."
"What?" Hermione asked with alarm. "Is Ron okay?"
Dobby nodded. "Mr. Harry Potter sir got the antidote from the hag and saved Mr. Ron's life. He told Dobby to ask his `Mione to join them."
All color drained from Hermione's face, as she fought the urge to scream out in anguish. After gathering some inner strength, she thanked Dobby for his help and turned to run downstairs before catching herself.
"No need to rush about now," she thought, as her heartbeat still raced and sweat poured off of her brow from her run. She then began the long walk downstairs, desperately trying to piece together what might have happened.
Harry must have shagged Luna, with Susan collecting his sweat. That's what had to have happened, but the important question was why? They still had time…why didn't he wait for her? Did he change his mind about his choice? She recalled what Tonks had told them…that the hag was going to check on Ron's condition. Maybe there had been less time then they had thought? Maybe Harry didn't have time to wait for her? Despite all of Harry's assurances, all of her self-doubt and insecurities rose back up to the surface.
When she reached the infirmary's entrance she paused for a minute, deciding whether she even wanted to know what had happened…what Harry had done to save Ron's life, and who he had done. How would she ever be able to face Harry again, after all that had happened that morning? After all that they had done…all that she had done…stripping in front of him, trying to suck her own nipples, practically forcing him to strip for her, giving him a hand-job….
As she pulled her hand away from the door handle she grazed the belt pouch that held her chemist's purchases. She suddenly wanted nothing to do with them, and threw the boxes down onto the floor.
Now what? Gryffindor or no, she couldn't face Harry right then. But where to go? Back to her parents? Like facing them now would be any easier. With eyes cast firmly on the stone floor in front of her, Hermione walked towards the castle doors, accompanied only by her thoughts of what might have been.
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A/N: Hey, where did that angsty cliff-hanger come from? I thought that this was supposed to be a fluffy funny smutty PWP? Gonna have to have a little chat with my muse….
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