So Far, So Long--Chapter 4
Somewhere in the middle of Harry's dreams and musings about what his discussion with Hermione meant, he questioned whether anything had been resolved. He lay awake staring at the Hospital Wing ceiling just before dawn. He heard the faint sounds of someone working nearby. He rolled over on to his right side and watched Nurse Annie as she counted the potion bottles and checked labels. He was not eager to talk to anyone. He closed his eyes to avoid being found awake and in the process fell back into a waking dream.
"I saw you and Miss Granger in here last night," said Annie. "Why are you two not together?"
Harry saw himself lying in bed thinking. No answers were available. He could only answer with, "I waited too long."
"Ah, she found the Weasley boy because you never spoke up," said Annie.
"No, not exactly," replied Harry.
"You're not making any sense, Harry," said Annie. "If you are too late, then she has chosen someone else or are you saying she hasn't found someone."
"Why are you doing this to me?" asked Harry.
"Doing what? I'm just asking very simple questions," said Annie. "What is she looking for? If she hasn't found it, you're not too late."
"I'm not sure," said Harry. "How do you know that anyway?"
"If you are searching for something, do you keep looking once you found it?" asked Annie.
"Who says anyone is searching for anything?" asked Harry.
"I don't know, this is your dream."
Harry awoke with a start. It was no longer dark. The potions cabinet was closed and no one was near his bed. He sat up, put on his glasses and looked around. He saw Nurse Annie sitting at the desk reading. She was much too far away to have been talking to him. He sprang up and put on his robe. He crossed to the loo and got ready for his day. He felt oddly satisfied and uncharacteristically stiff. He felt as if he had slept on a slab of cement; one was an emotional feeling while the other was physical. The physical feeling went away as the warm water washed over him, the emotional one seemed to waiver a bit as he contemplated the day.
Twenty minutes later, he was tucking in is shirt trying to remember the last dream of the night. Was it her search or his? He was unsure where the dream came from, but he was sure what it meant. What if Hermione is not searching? What if she's answered her questions and chosen her path? What if the only search still going on was his? He thought he'd found what he was looking for, so why was he still searching?
He shook his head, picked up his book bag, and headed off for the new day. He had to hurry. He had slept late, thought too much and was far to hungry to miss breakfast. He walked quickly into the corridor and turned toward the Great Hall. It seemed as if every step carried him twice as fast this morning. He found it funny that it seemed the entire walk from Hospital Wing to Great Hall had involved one thought: bacon or sausage. His stomach growled.
It only took a second to be grateful for the distraction of starvation. Sitting in their usual places, Hermione and Ron seemed to look at one another and then at him in anticipation. He was not sure what the glance at one another meant, but he became extremely self-conscious when they looked at him. Ron's face seemed to carry no malice and Hermione's seemed to downplay their meeting. He got the sense that something had happened after he had gone to bed.
"Hey, mate, how are you?" asked Ron.
Harry felt the pangs of confusion. Ron had not used those words to greet him in ages and maybe not ever. It had always been inferred in `Hey, Harry' or `Hey, mate' or even `Hiya, Harry'. While friendly, the greeting was oddly formal. He replied, "Good, you?"
"Better," said Ron. "Hermione and I've been up all night talking, so I bet I sound a little odd."
Harry understood the looks on their faces. They looked like zombies. It was possible that Ron was not exaggerating. He and Hermione could have been up all night. Hermione did not look as disheveled as Ron did. He did notice the wide-eyed stare of someone trying to keep their eyes open in a losing battle with sleepiness. "Wow, you guys look exhausted."
Hermione picked at her food and barely looked up.
"Yeah, it's hard work ripping each other's guts out and stuffing them back in all night," said Ron. He turned immediately to Hermione. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that Hermione. It's just that we had a lot to talk about and it was pretty intense."
Harry looked for the plate containing the selections of breakfast meat as he took in what Ron was saying. Without thinking, he took two sausage links, a strip of bacon and a slice of ham. "A bit hungry, are you Harry?" asked Seamus who had just walked up. "Ah, how did it go Ron? Hermione? Up all night were you?' he raised his eyebrows in playfully suggestive way.
"Piss off, Finnegan," said Ron nastily. "Neither of us are in the mood for your rubbish."
Harry was surprised when Hermione seemed to be in agreement with Ron. It was not that she was angry, it just appeared that she too was in no mood for fooling around. Harry kept that in mind.
"Under the circumstances, I just hope things went well," said Harry. He did not expect the conversation to continue with Seamus sitting so close now and obviously offended. Harry was shocked when Ron continued with Ron reading the riot act to Seamus.
"Finnegan, this does not concern you so keep your opinions to yourself," said Ron. "Harry, Hermione and I had a row last night about you and her. Finnigan and Thomas told me the story about you two yesterday and at first I jumped to a conclusion I shouldn't have."
Harry spoke before he realized that he did not need to. "What was that?" He knew as soon as he said it that it would have been answered without asking.
For once, Seamus got up and moved far enough away so as to remove himself from the conversation. The movement broke the trance like state of surprise and allowed Harry to breathe. Something he had not expected was happening and it seemed all to fast for his liking. "You don't owe me an apology, Ron. Certainly, you don't owe me an explanation."
"I know mate, but we didn't want you to hear rumors. And, we don't particularly care who hears it. I've told her that she has to decide by the end of Spring Break what she wants to do. I'm too tired to be angry at you, Harry. You might have told me you were sweet on her long before now. It seems that her decision is based on who she loves more. Just thought you should know that I know. Once it all sinks in, I'm not sure how I'm going to feel. I'm pretty numb right now."
Harry shot a glance at Hermione. He felt the tension ratchet up a notch. He knew he needed to respond, but he was so stunned he had a hard time deciding what to say. He could admit his feelings for her as being resolved and clear or he could take the easy way out and declare that she had misunderstood the depth of his feelings for her. He decided to take what middle ground he could get away with. "I can imagine that it's a shock, mate. I'm not sure I can tell you how I feel."
Ron's face turned pink in the cheeks. "I hope that didn't sound like an invitation for you to tell me. I'm simply informing you that I know what's going on. I trust her explanation that nothing's happened between you, but don't think I'm standing for it quietly waiting for the axe to drop." He stood up.
"Ronald, please," said Hermione. "You promised."
"Yes, I promised her to behave civilly in exchange for complete honesty. Remind me again why honesty is the best policy, mate," said Ron. "But I told her I could not pretend to like it and I would have to confront you." Harry saw the amount of energy Ron was expending to remain calm.
Harry looked at Hermione and then at Ron. He turned and looked at all the people who seemed to be listening. He shook his head. "I don't know what to say," said Harry.
Ron looked at Hermione and said, "What did I tell you, Hermione? I told you that he would never stand up for you like I would. He won't even tell me to my face. I hope that helps you decide. Now, I need to decide if I want you."
Ron started to walk away when Harry spoke up. "Unlike you, Weasley. My feelings are not about controlling her or making her feel guilty. I want to be sure. I don't want a trophy girlfriend or someone to snog when it's convenient. If I had what you have, I would not be acting like a possessive asshole. She loved you enough to tell you out of love and loyalty. She was honest with you. What do you get out of doing this in front of a dozen people? Do you get to humiliate her and me at the same time? You're not right in the head, mate."
Ron wheeled on him with fists clenched. Seamus restrained him and led him out of the Great Hall. "Look, you two don't want to do this. It's a girl for Merlin's sake. They're a dime a dozen."
"Maybe that's what the problem is, Weasley. You think the way Finnigan does. This girl is worth so much more than that and you want to own her for a dime," said Harry. "I'm sorry, Hermione."
Hermione sat stunned in her seat. Her eyes filled with tears. Everyone had moved away from her leaving her alone. Harry made it almost to the doorway when he realized he could not leave her sitting there without an explanation. He saw her alone. His heart broke almost instantly. Somehow, it had become him against Ron and not about Ron's and his feelings for her. She was being discussed as if her feelings didn't matter. He meant to make it about her.
He sat down in front of her. "Why did you do that, Hermione? Why did you tell him anything when you know I couldn't say it? How did that happen?" His eyes shifted back and forth trying to decipher her expression.
"I don't know, Harry. I thought I saw something outside my window last night. When I went to it, there was condensation so I wiped it off. I could have sworn I saw something. So, I sort of freaked out and went down to the common room. Ron was there. He started to apologize and I could not let him apologize for something that was not his fault," said Hermione. "It just came out eventually. I couldn`t lie to him."
"Didn't you hear me last night?" asked Harry. "He is right. I'm not ready to make the kind of commitment you want. I wouldn't let him say that it was because I am shallow though. I joke about that. It is about not disappointing you. I would disappoint others, but not you. I don't think I've ever felt good about disappointing you even with trivial things. How could I be responsible for breaking your heart?"
"I understand that Harry," said Hermione. "I can't go to Ireland when my heart isn't in it. You can only break my heart if I give it to you. You've warned me. Now I have to decide. It's not about love. Love is the only thing I'm sure of. I love you both. Am I willing to give up both of you to be sure that I want either of you? I don't know. I'm not going to class today. I need to sleep. Well, maybe not sleep…whatever I do, I'm not doing it here."
By the time Hermione walked away swallowing her sobs and avoiding peoples eyes. The rumor of what just happened was running rampant. Harry could not have stopped it if he tried. It was the worst kind too. There were stories of people who thought that he and Hermione were cheating on Ron in the most intimate way possible. The old rumors were embellished beyond proof either way. He had done them no favors with his antics in Transfiguration. She had done them no favors taking his hand and holding it too long. Even that was not their fault. It was an honest feeling of friendship. As honestly as he'd spoken to Ron, he was the only one who had spoken his mind all the way through. Harry might think him foolish and wrong, but Ron was not hiding who he was. He was flawed, yes. He wanted fame, but he did love Hermione even if he was not sure how to express it.
Harry took a deep breath and tried to ignore the glares. "How can they start talking like this and think I don't hear them?" He looked at the floor as he walked but upon recognizing any voice, he would glance quickly to see if he was right about who it was. It hurt to see Luna and Parvati sitting at the same table talking about them when the two of them were not even housemates. Two people he thought of as friends were talking as if Hermione and he had done something horrible. He kept walking.
Harry knew he needed to go to class even without Hermione, but she had his homework. He had to get it from her. Maybe he could think of something to say to make her feel better before he got there. He walked slowly toward the Gryffindor Tower. He ran what she said over in his head. She had seen him. What he'd thought was a wave was her wiping the window. He had been the reason she had freaked out.
Harry hurried along the corridors toward Gryffindor Tower. His mind raced as he pictured Ron in Potions, Herbology, and all his other classes glowering at him without Hermione present today. It was just that reality that struck him on the last turn going up to the tower. "Potter, where the bloody hell are you going?" asked Ron.
"I'm going to get my homework from her," said Harry. "So, if you don't mind."
"Well, I have a solution to that," said Ron. "Here. There is no need for you to bother my girlfriend again this morning. I've already heard that you are openly expressing your feelings now. Is that what I get for at least trying to be civil? Take these and leave her alone. If she's around, I can't stop her from talking to you. However, I don't have to pretend to like it when we're alone." Ron walked on as Harry took the rolled parchments. "By the way, Potter, I'm not sure what to do about Spring Break at the Burrow. I'll see what Hermione says."
Harry was surprised Ron brought it up. With all that was happening, he just remembered that day after tomorrow would be Saturday. Tomorrow they left for Spring Break. "Look, if I were you mate, I wouldn't ask her. I would do what you know is the right thing. You're asking her to choose between leaving me alone here and being alone there while you go to Ireland or having me there to keep her company while you go. It's up to you, mate, not her."
"Okay, have it your way. I'd prefer if you don't come this week then. Hermione and I have too much to work out," said Ron. "Thanks for the bit of advice." He smiled and walked away.
He knew when he said it what the answer would be. He could have just let things be, but he did not want to leave another decision for Hermione to make. He knew what Ron would do. He would use it to make her feel guilty and that was not right. Harry looked at the parchments and headed off for class.
By the time History of Magic was over, he had become resigned to the fact that the next nine days would be some of the longest he had ever endured. He thought of how sad that was. He had spent at least forty-five agonizingly long days waiting to hear from Ron or Hermione every summer for five summers. These nine would compare to those and be even more distressing.
"Potter, I think this is yours," said Professor Binns. Harry was shocked. He had never remembered being addressed after class by Professor Binns in the entire seven years he had attended Hogwarts. He looked down at the small envelope floating toward him. It was addressed, Harry in Hermione's handwriting. He opened it quickly.
"Thank you, Professor," he said walking away wondering whether to be happy or sad. Was this written before or after he and Ron made fools of themselves this morning. He would find out.
Dearest Harry,
I hope you review your homework before you turn it in. My world turned upside down. I'm sitting in front of Ron as I write this; and even as he tells me how much he cares for me, he doesn't see that I'm not paying attention. He loves me, but he doesn`t see me. You see me, but I know you don't love me the way I want to be loved. So whatever happens, don't think that I have made my choice because I don't love you. I haven't chosen, but I may choose to be free. Don't be sad. I just can't be a rope in a tug of war. Just know that I love you.
Love Always,
Hermione
Harry walked in a daze. He did not know where to go. He was a Gryffindor, but did not live in Gryffindor Tower. He lived in the Hospital Wing. Did he go where his friends were? Did he have any friends that would talk to him? Or did he go to where he slept? He found himself walking up the corridor toward Gryffindor Tower. He would find her, he thought. He would set her free.
He climbed the staircase and waited for it to open onto a platform. He did the same with two more. Eventually, he stood at the portrait of the Fat Lady. "Don't bother," said the Fat Lady. "She took her things and she's gone."
"Gone. Where could she have gone?" asked Harry.
"How should I know? I've seen it before, but it was years ago. It was with your parents too, now that I think of it. Rather ironic, really," said the Fat Lady. "If I'm right, it was for much different reasons though. Yes, yes. I remember now."
"What was it?" asked Harry almost forgetting about Hermione for an instant. "Oh, never mind. How was she leaving?"
"How can anyone leave Hogwarts, Potter?" she replied.
Harry turned and ran down the staircase, then another. His chest ached as he ran. His ears pounded as the blood surged through him. He passed Ron, Finnigan and Thomas. He reached his room and grabbed his broom. He ignored the rule prohibiting flight inside the castle and flew out of the Hospital Wing scaring everyone in his path.
Harry took his wand as he flew and pointed it at the closed doors leading outside. He hovered momentarily as they swung open. He dashed through them when they did. He flew directly for the platform at Hogsmeade. Surely, that was where she was going. What was she thinking?
He saw her standing on the platform in a light jacket looking forlorn. She ignored him.
"So, where would you be going?" he asked.
She did not answer.
He looked at his watch. He thought carefully about the timetable of the Hogwarts Express. It left with them at one o'clock when they left for the summer. It was just twelve-thirty.
"Talk to me, Hermione. There are thirty minutes left before the train leaves. It's not even here yet. You don't have to go. You should forget about me. I don't want you to be sad," said Harry. "If I'm going to make this hard for you then take me out of the equation."
She had only been drying tears until that moment. Her lower lip quivered as she stared straight ahead. Harry sat on the back of the bench seat facing the tracks. He wanted to get her to talk. If she would talk to him, he could help. He was sure of that.
She began to speak as the train arrived. He could not hear what she said. The conductor stepped down on the platform and picked up her bags.
"I'm sorry, Hermione. I didn't hear what you said," confessed Harry.
"That's okay, Harry. It doesn't matter," she said. When the conductor came to the bottom step she handed him her last bag. "The address is on them, sir. If you would forward them on. I won't be riding today."
"Yes, Miss," he responded.
Harry felt glimmer of hope that she had changed her mind. She walked up to him and adjusted his collar and wiped the hair out of his eyes. He held his hand out to her. She did not take it. Instead, she kissed him and said, "So long, Harry. I'll see you when I know what to do. I love you."
She DisApparated as unexpectedly as she had kissed him.
-->