Unofficial Portkey Archive

Chapter 18: Times are Changing

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Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

- `At the Beginning' by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis from the movie Anastasia

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A/n: Hey, here's a new chapter. Before you read it, make sure you go back and read the rest of Chapter 17 that I added. Nothing is going to make sense if you don't read it. It's all Harmony fluff in the last half of the chapter that you didn't read, so you know it's worth it!

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Harry and Hermione didn't return till late that evening. After they had left the restaurant, they spent the rest of the evening walking along the streets of London. They walked arm in arm down the street just talking, mostly about Teddy and school, but sometimes other subjects worked their way into their conversation.

"Can I ask you a question, Hermione?"

"What's that?" She and Harry had been talking about Hermione's flat. How they got onto the subject, they weren't really sure, but regardless, that's what they were talking about.

"Why do you still pay rent on a flat that you don't live in anymore?"

"I still live there."

"When are you there?"

"Ok, maybe during school I'm not there a whole lot, but once school's done for the year-"

"But you weren't there a whole lot even before we got the teaching jobs."

"That's because I was helping you with Teddy. Now that you have things under control I don't have to spend as much time at Grimmauld Place."

Harry didn't reply right away, but feeling he had to say something, he said, "Teddy would miss you if you weren't there every day."

"I'm not his mother, Harry. It's not essential for me to be there every day."

"I'm not his father, but I'm staying."

"Yes you are, Harry. You are his father. Maybe not biologically, but legally, emotionally, and for all intents and purposes you are his father. I'm not his mother biologically, legally or emotionally so I'm not always needed."

"But you are, Hermione. Who else does he have? There is no other mother figure in his life." Hermione exhaled slowly.

"What are you trying to get at with this conversation, Harry?"

"What I'm getting at is that you should stop wasting your money on rent for a flat that you hardly use anymore, when you could live with us for free." Hermione laughed in disbelief and let her arm fall from Harry's, stepping away from him slightly.

"I don't want any handouts, Harry. And I don't live with you and Teddy. And I told you from the beginning that I didn't want you to get to dependent on my being there to help. I know I said I'd help as much as I could, and I have. But you're going to have to start standing on your own feet with this, Harry." Harry opened his mouth to speak but Hermione sensed what was going to come out of his mouth and beat him to it. "I'm not saying I'm completely bowing out. I'll still help you; you know I'll always be there for you and Teddy. But I need to start distancing myself. Because like you said, he'll miss me, he's attached. So all the more reason for me to not hang around as much. It has to be the two of you, not the three of us." To tell the truth, the direction their conversation had turned scared Hermione. Here she was doing her best at working towards getting over Harry and he goes and asks her to move in with him and Teddy for no reason other than Teddy would miss her if she didn't. She needed to start getting out before she found herself in a position where she was falling deeper in love than she had been before.

Harry's face was hard to read. Hermione could tell he was thinking hard, but exactly what was going through his head at that moment was impossible for her to tell. Behind his excellent mask that hid his emotion, Harry was slightly hurt at Hermione's response and frustrated with himself for doing exactly what he had told himself not to do when Hermione had began helping with his godson. No, she was right, not just godson, his son. But even though he was frustrated, he was still hurt.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have suggested this. You're right; I've gotten too used to you being here with us that it just seemed natural that you'd still be there. You're right; I need to start standing on my two feet." As soon as she heard Harry's reply, she started to feel bad about what she'd said. As she thought through what she had said, the words sounded more and more harsh the more she repeated them in her head. Also after Harry had spoke, Hermione saw that unreadable mask slip and a flicker of hurt came through.

"I'm really sorry, Harry. I didn't mean for it to come out quite like this. I'm not saying I don't enjoy spending time with you and Teddy. I love that kid. But-"

"No, I understand, Hermione," Harry interrupted. A silence fell between them where they just stood still, not making eye contact with each other. Finally Harry looked up and smiled halfheartedly. "Anyways," he offered her his arm again, and said, "Shall we?" She smiled as well, a smile just like Harry's where it never reached her eyes, and linked her arm through his again and they took off walking again. They tried to hold up conversations with each other again, but after a while both felt that the evening had lost its luster and eventually Apparated back to Grimmauld Place.

When they appeared in the entranceway of Harry's house, Harry helped Hermione out of her coat and taking his own off, put both of them in the hall closet. Hermione went into the living room where Teddy's babysitter was sprawled out all over the couch, snoring loudly with his mouth hanging open. She walked over to Ron and leaned down and gently patted his chest once with her hand.

"Ron, wake up, we're back." Ron didn't wake up, he didn't even stir. Harry came into the living room and smirked at Hermione's attempt to wake Ron up.

"It's going to take a lot more than that, Hermione." Hermione smacked her hand a little harder on his chest, and when that didn't work, she reached up and smacked his face. Not a hard slap, but enough of one to make a smack noise on his cheek.

"Ronald, get up!" Hermione said sternly and loudly. Ron's snoring altered for just a second and then returned to its normal loud sound like ten chainsaws cutting down trees. Harry silently and calmly walked over and standing above Ron's head, reached down and plugged his nose. It wasn't long before the snoring stopped and Ron squirmed and jumped off the couch from lack of oxygen.

"What the hell are you two trying to do, suffocate me?"

"Well all of our other gentle methods weren't sufficient enough, so we had to resort to cutting off air supply," Hermione said sweetly. Ron glared at her for a second before letting it go and changing the subject.

"So how was the evening?"

"It was fun," Hermione said simply but sincerely. Harry just nodded in agreement. Ron looked from one friend to the other skeptically like he wanted to get more of the story, but was trying to figure out which one was the better one to get it from. Ron decided Harry was the best choice when he spoke first, changing the subject.

"So how was Teddy tonight?"

"He was fine, been in bed for hours." Hermione looked at the clock that read quarter after twelve and laughed.

"Well I hope so, it's after midnight."

"Yeah, he went to sleep around eight-thirty. He was calling for you all night, Harry. He kept going, `Dad? Dad?'" Both Harry and Hermione smiled.

"Well," Hermione said with a sigh. "I suppose. I should probably head home." Harry reluctantly nodded while Ron's eyebrows rose in surprise. Before he could speak, Harry and Hermione were headed for the door. Hermione grabbed her coat out of the closet and put it on. They stood by the door awkwardly, Hermione didn't seem to be in a huge hurry to leave; it felt like leaving meant she was walking out forever. She sighed again and stepped forward to wrap her arms around Harry's neck in a hug.

"You're my best friend, Harry," she said softly into his shoulder, "and I love you. You know that, right?" She stepped away from him to look for his answer. He nodded to show he understood.

"Yes. I know that. I've always known that." Hermione smiled that halfhearted smile again that never reached her eyes.

"Good night, Harry."

"Good night, Hermione." Hermione was out the door and when it was shut, Harry heard the `pop' of her Disapparating. He went back into the living room where Ron was still standing in the same spot he'd been before. Harry didn't look at him until Ron impatiently cleared his throat. When Harry looked up, Ron gave him a `WTF?' look.

"What?" Harry asked stupidly, like he didn't know what Ron was asking.

"What was up with that?"

"With what?"

"You know what I'm talking about Harry." Harry just shrugged.

"She just went home."

"So what, the night didn't go well?"

"No, it did."

"Then what the hell is with the tension? I thought this was going to be a good night, you were celebrating. I thought by the end of it you two would be a step closer to getting together, not taking a step in the opposite direction."

"See, now that really pisses me off, Ron," Harry said getting defensive and snappy. "How you and the whole world now assumes that since I'm no longer with Ginny and you're no longer with Hermione that she and I are supposed to be together! That the reason for both of those relationships ending was because we're a better fit for each other! When are you and everyone else going to get it, it's not going to happen!"

"When are you and Hermione going to open your damn eyes and see what I and the rest of the world have been seeing for seven years?" Ron said, raising his voice to the same level as Harry's. "All that speculation from the press and your friends and peers haven't just been out of the blue. There had to have been something to spark the thought. It's called chemistry, you prat!" Harry gave him a sarcastic laugh.

"How the hell do you know what chemistry is?"

"I know that I didn't have it with Hermione. I know that you didn't have it with Ginny. Or at least enough of it. But you have it with Hermione." Harry didn't reply, he just stared at the ground with a furious glare on his face. Ron said a little quieter, "How do you two not see it, Harry? I mean, I know I'm not the most perceptive man in the world, but I can see it. So can everyone else. It's the way you act around each other, the way you understand each other. The way you raise Teddy together."

"Wait, no, there is no together in raising Teddy between Hermione and me," Harry said, as if clarifying the point.

"Bull shit."

"No. She made it clear in the beginning that there was no together. She made it clear tonight that there can be no together." Understanding swept over Ron, and he gave Harry a knowing look.

"Ohhhh, I get it now. That's what went wrong tonight."

"You don't get anything, Ron. Don't pretend that you do."

"Ok then, explain it to me. Because I apparently am confused as hell. Enlighten me, then." Harry sighed and glared again at Ron's waiting look.

"There is no together because I happen to be the world's biggest prat." Ron snorted and it turned into a laugh.

"Well I already knew that. What did you do that caused you to figure that out tonight?" Harry sighed again.

"I've become attached. And I assumed…that she would want to be there." Harry looked up at Ron, who was still waiting for more.

"And?"

"And I asked her to move in with me and Teddy." Ron's mouth slowly curved into a smile, which turned into a laugh, which caused Harry to glare at him again.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I don't see what was wrong with that. To tell you the truth, I honestly thought she got rid of her flat a long time ago. I thought she had already moved in. I actually was surprised when she said she was going home tonight."

"The only point I was making was since she's hardly living in her flat anymore that she should give it up and just move in and save herself some money. Because you've seen her place, the rent can't be cheap. And throughout the school year she's at school, so she's not living there during the week. So I asked her why spend money unnecessarily when she could live with us for free. Then she said she didn't want any handouts, and that I needed to stop depending on her. And I agree with her on that, I do need to stop depending on her always being there. Even if she's still there for me, I need to not rely on that she's there." Ron was still smiling throughout Harry's explanation.

"It actually sounds like she's having some other issue with living here. See? Chemistry," Ron said with a grin, and Harry scowled.

"I knew you were going to say some crap like that."

"Only until you believe it for yourself, mate. But, everything will blow over, trust me, it's Hermione. And it's late. Do you mind if I crash here tonight?" Harry shook his head.

"No, go ahead."

"Everything will look better in the morning, Harry. Trust me." Ron clapped him on the shoulder and went upstairs to his room. Harry sighed, ran a hand through his messy hair and went upstairs to bed as well.

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Back at her flat, Hermione was nowhere close to settling down for the night. She was moving around her apartment arranging things that suddenly felt like they were in the wrong spot, and tidying up already clean areas. Maybe she'd developed a certain level of obsessive compulsive disorder. Actually, even though she wouldn't admit it out loud, her flat didn't feel like home anymore. Sad to say, she admitted only to herself, Grimmauld Place had begun to feel more and more like home every day, even on the days when she wasn't there. But that wasn't even the biggest problem that was going through her head while she flitted about her flat doing pointless tasks. It was how she left things with Harry. She tried to smooth it over with the hug, but after she left she could tell that hadn't done the job. Why was she so stubborn? She didn't really want to leave, she could tell that as soon as she entered her small, boring, Teddy-less flat. It was also best friendless as well. Already she missed Teddy, even though if she was still at Grimmauld Place he'd be asleep. And even though she still wanted to get over him, she had to admit that helping take care of Teddy had brought her and Harry closer together as friends.

`Just friends, though', she told herself. `I actually had been doing just fine getting over him while I was there.'

`Psh, yeah right.' The rational part of her brain told her. `You were struggling.'

`Struggling implies working, though. I may have been struggling, but I was still doing it.'

`Yeah, but you said fine. Struggling does not mean fine.'

`But I was doing it. I even went out on a date.'

`Yeah but you thought about Harry most of the time.' Hermione sighed. Why was she having an argument with her brain? Was she going nuts?

`You probably are going nuts. Love does that to a person. All the more reason to avoid it as much as possible.'

`That's not true.'

`You should listen to me; I'm the rational part of your brain, the part you've been using for nineteen years.'

`But I know I was doing fine at Grimmauld Place, I don't know why I got scared and ran off. I guess a momentary lapse in judgment. If I stay away, I am really going to miss seeing Teddy every day.'

`And his godfather.'

`Well why shouldn't I miss Harry, he's my best friend.' The rational side snorted.

`Whatever. Do what you want, but I'm telling you it's a bad idea. You were right to leave.'

`This is exactly what I did before. When things started leaning towards new things, changes in the future that I may or may not have wanted, I ran. Maybe Ginny was right, maybe I am scared.'

`Ok, now you've really gone nuts.'

`Well, nuts or not, I'm not going to be a coward.'

`Bad idea. But of course you'll never listen to me. You've never listened to me when the situation had anything to do with Harry. You're definitely in love.'

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Harry went to bed that night with both Hermione and what Ron had said on his mind. As a result, his dreams were like watching a pensieve of every one of his memories concerning Hermione. It was as though his subconscious was trying to show him what everyone else was seeing. Certain ones, in particular stood out the most.

The two of them were in a dark stone room. Black flames blocked one door, purple blocked the other.
"But Harry - what if You-Know-Who's with him?"
"Well - I was lucky once, wasn't I?" Harry said, pointing at his scar. "I might get lucky again." Hermione's lip trembled, and she suddenly dashed at Harry and threw her arms around him.
"Hermione!"
"Harry - you're a great wizard, you know."
"I'm not as good as you," Harry said, embarrassed as she let go of him.
"Me! Books! And cleverness! There are more important things - friendship and bravery and - oh Harry - be careful!" Harry never knew what she was going to say after bravery, at the time it didn't matter, nor did he really notice it. But now, even in his dream, he was wondering what she was going to say.

The sight of Hermione lying in the hospital wing, still as death, her eyes open and glassy, having just been petrified by the basilisk that inhabited the Chamber of Secrets and was ridding the school of all muggle borns. In his sleep, Harry shivered remembering Hermione's seemingly lifeless body.

Harry and Hermione crouched low and traveling through the tunnel below the Whomping Willow to the Shrieking Shack. Hermione was gripping Harry's arm painfully hard, but it wasn't until it became too tight that he gave her a look.

They had gone back in time and were trying to save Sirius. They had been watching the events that occurred once all of their past selves got outside the Whomping Willow and the moon came out from behind the clouds.
"Hermione, we've got to move!"
"No, Harry, I told you…"
"Not to interfere! But Lupin's transforming, and he's heading right for us!" Hermione's eyes grew wide with fear, and they took each other's hand and ran into the forest, the werewolf's howls echoing behind them. They saw him wandering around the forest, and they hid behind a tree. They heard the werewolf moving, and went around the tree, hopefully in the opposite direction of the werewolf. But they were wrong, and he howled behind them. Harry held Hermione close, protecting her. The werewolf was about to attack, but Buckbeak flew over them and reared on his hind legs, making the werewolf run off. Hermione buried her face in Harry's shoulder, muttering about being so scared.
"Poor Professor Lupin's having a really tough night," Harry said. Just then, the wind picked up, and the leaves blew across their shoes. Harry and Hermione both looked up and saw the dementors going to the lake.

It was the morning after his name had appeared from the Goblet of Fire. He was on his way out of the portrait hole, but almost ran headlong into Hermione.
"Hello. I brought you this," she said, holding up a stack of toast in a napkin. "Want to go for a walk?" They had gone on their walk, where for the first and not the last time Harry witnessed Hermione's loyalty as his best friend when Ron was not. She never turned him down when he needed help throughout the Triwizard Tournament, she was there by his side pulling all nighters practicing, even volunteered to be the subject of hexes when he was practicing for the third task.

She had looked very pretty at the Yule Ball. He remembered his jaw dropping when he recognized Hermione as Viktor Krum's date. In her periwinkle blue robes and her hair sleek and smooth and pulled into an elegant knot, she looked different, yes, but a good different. Not that she wasn't pretty on an every day basis, but she was really pretty that night.

He remembered the very first article that appeared in the Daily Prophet stating that he and Hermione were dating. It was what started the whole issue of some people believing that he and Hermione were meant to be together, and why others were paranoid when dating one or the other.

When she kissed him on the cheek before they parted after fourth year, it took him by surprise.

In his sleep Harry smiled at the memory of Hermione's hug that had nearly knocked him flat when he arrived at Grimmauld Place that time before their fifth year. Leave it to Hermione to almost maul someone in the process of giving them a hug.

He remembered his first and last date with Cho Chang vividly, how she flipped out about Harry's mentioning Hermione. He had to admit later though, Hermione had been right, he was a little tactless. And his subconscious brought attention to a comment that Hermione had made to him.
"And it would've helped if you were to mention how ugly you think I am too."
"But I don't think you're ugly." Why had she said that? She had to have known that he'd reply in the way that he did, why did she say it?

The memory of the Department of Mysteries replayed in slow motion. Dolohov slowly made the slashing motion with his wand and the purple flame gradually hit Hermione's chest and she fell to the ground motionless.
"HERMIONE!" Harry fell to his knees beside her, pleading that she wasn't dead. In his sleep, Harry flinched and agitatedly rolled onto his other side.

His memories started to become shorter, more like flashes.

"Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry."

Hermione turned and beamed at Harry; her eyes too were full of tears. "…then I declare you bonded for life."

He put his arm around Hermione's shoulders, and she put hers around his waist, and they turned in silence and walked away through the snow, past Dumbledore's mother and sister, back toward the dark church and the out-of-sight kissing gate.

"Who wouldn't prefer him, what woman would take you, you are nothing, nothing, nothing to him," crooned Riddle-Hermione and she stretched like a snake and entwined herself around Riddle-Harry, wrapping in a close embrace: Their lips met.

"Do you trust me, Harry?"

And one of his last flashes was not of anything to do with Hermione, it was from his talk with Dumbledore when he was in the limbo between life and death.
"Is this real? Or has it been happening inside my head?"
"Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

Harry woke up after that. He stared at the ceiling contemplating his dreams, trying to put them all together. The last flash of memory, the one with Dumbledore made no sense in comparison to all the rest. And why was he even dreaming about all of his memories with Hermione anyway? He heaved a frustrated sigh and rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes. He fell asleep soon after.

Both Harry and Hermione were lying in Harry's bed. They both lay on their back, their heads turned toward one another.

"Do you think everyone else is seeing something we don't?" he whispered.

"I see it," Hermione whispered back. "I've seen it for years, remember Harry? I told you I loved you. You're the only one who isn't getting it."

"Then why have you been denying it as well?"

"I haven't, Harry. That's all been you. I know how I feel. I know I love you, do you know how you feel?"

"No, I guess I don't."

"Well, you'll find out when you answer the door." Harry gave her a confused look.

"What?"

"Get the door, Harry." It was then that Harry heard the doorbell. He woke up and looked at the empty space on the bed next to him where in his dream Hermione just was. He rolled over and looked at the time when he heard the doorbell again. It was after two in the morning. He scowled at the ring sound of the bell and threw his blankets back and got out of bed, pulled a t-shirt on, and grabbed his wand from the bedside table. He walked down the stairs, glad that Hermione had put a type of silencing charm around Teddy's room that would keep outside noises out, but made sure he was able to hear any noise that came from his room. So Teddy wouldn't wake up, and since Ron could sleep through cannon fire in the room, he wouldn't wake up either.

"Alright, I'm coming!" he shouted when the bell rang again. He threw the door open and was surprised to see Hermione standing on his doorstep, a bag in each hand.

"Hermione, what are you doing here?" Hermione shrugged and gave him a small smile.

"What the hell."

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A/n: Ooh yay, I'm on a roll finally!! Ok, yeah this chapter isn't betaed either, so if some things are confusing or the grammar isn't right, I apologize. If Hermione's mind battle and Harry's dreams are a little confusing, I kind of want it to be that way because your internal battles sometimes don't always make sense, especially if you're fighting with the rational side of your brain, and of course, dreams definitely don't make sense sometimes. So, yeah. Anyways, I'm getting excited for this story, and right at this point I definitely feel like I'm going to finish it! I still don't know exactly how I'm going to get to my vision of how this will end, but I'm getting ideas! Hope you enjoyed Chapter 18, hopefully 19 won't be too far behind!

P.S. Oh, probably should give the credit. Harry's dream flashes all came from Harry Potter books 1-7 and the POA moment was a mixture of the book and the movie. I don't own any of those moments.

P.S. Ok, so feel like doing a little musing again. When I was writing this chapter, I pulled all my Harry Potter books out and was searching for the Harmony moments. Yes, I know I missed a ton of them, but a lot of them wouldn't have fit well I don't think. But I was also on the Portkey forums reading the threads discussing the H/Hr moments in books 1-7, and that part at Bill and Fleur's wedding where Hermione looks at Harry at the line, "I declare you bonded for life," a person named, thewall28304, said, "I guess when soul mates are already married to each other as is the case of H/Hr, marrying into the Weasley family becomes irrelevant." I had never thought of this before, and after I read it, I TOTALLY agreed with it. We all know Harry and Hermione were better off with each other, because they're soul mates. Even though legally they're not married to each other, soul-wise they're "bonded for life". :) Anyways, just wanted to point that out! And another thing too, I thought it was really interesting how Deathly Hallows was supposed to be this huge Harmony killer, and it seems that in that book that's where most of the deepest Harmony moments are throughout the series. Interesting huh?

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