Chapter 20: Subtle Love
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Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey
I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there when the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you
-- `At the Beginning' by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis from the movie Anastasia
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A/n: I know I said we'd be skipping ahead a few months here, but I'm leaving that for next chapter!
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A blue-haired Teddy stared at his godfather with a curious expression as the two of them walked down the halls of Hogwarts to Hermione's room. It was as though Teddy was trying to figure out why his godfather hadn't been in a good mood in the past two weeks, or why he hadn't spent as much time with Hermione in the past two weeks as he usually did. Harry's bad mood had been infectious; Teddy's hair hadn't been orange since that day they left Grimmauld Place. When the two of them reached Hermione's door, Harry knocked, and Teddy also reached over and knocked, but not as hard as Harry or in any kind of rhythm.
"It's open!" Hermione called from the other side. Harry opened the door and came in.
"Do you normally just tell people to come right in when you're here?" he asked Hermione, who hadn't come into the living room yet. Hermione's bedroom door opened and she came out of her room. She smiled.
"No, but I heard Teddy's knock, so I knew who it was." Harry froze as he took in Hermione's appearance. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a forest green ball gown, with cap sleeves made of green netting with a gold floral print on them, and the same gold print was along the hem of the full skirt. Hermione's hair was smooth and sleek again, but it was twisted up into a bunch of curls at the back of her head. On the right side of her head was a jeweled gold comb. She wore tiny dangling gold earrings with a matching necklace. Harry felt a slight pang of jealousy when he wished at that moment that he was the one who was taking her to the dance instead of Smyth. Hermione noticed Harry taking in her appearance and nervously smiled. She spun around for him and when she faced him again she gave him an apprehensive look.
"Well? What do you think? Too much? Not enough?"
"No, you're perfect. You look beautiful." Hermione blushed.
"Oh, Harry-" she said, embarrassingly trying to brush his compliment off.
"No, I'm serious, Hermione. And Smyth's a damn fool if he doesn't think so and realize how lucky he is to have you as his date for this ball thing." Hermione's blush deepened on her cheeks.
"Thank you, Harry. That's sweet of you to say so."
"Well, I mean it." Hermione smiled and closed the distance between her and Harry. Placing a hand on his back, the other on Teddy's back, she leaned forward and kissed Harry's cheek.
"I know. And thank you." She then kissed Teddy's cheek, who, sensing things were getting better because this was the first time his caretakers had been in the same room in two weeks, turned his hair orange. Hermione laughed at the baby and grinned at Harry, who was still stony faced, the same mood he'd been in for two weeks. Hermione had noticed it, but then she hadn't had a good opportunity to talk with Harry about it, because it seemed like Harry had been avoiding her. Her smile fell from her face and she seized the opportunity then to say something.
"Harry, what's the matter?"
"Nothing," he said in an unconvincing tone that didn't have Hermione fooled for a minute. She gave him an annoyed look in return.
"Don't lie, Harry. I can tell something's been bothering you these past few weeks. What's wrong?"
"I'm fine," Harry lied again. Hermione sighed loudly and glared at Harry.
"Harry, you are not fine. You've been in a horrible mood for the past two weeks, now what is wrong?"
"It's nothing!" Hermione then gave him a concerned look.
"Is it something to do with school? Is Ginny causing problems again? Is it something to do with Teddy?"
"No, it's none of those things, Hermione." Hermione's expression turned furious and she balled her hands into fists, and took a deep breath, trying to will herself not flip out. She lost the inner struggle though.
"Damnit, Harry, you did something like this to me the last time I went out, and I was worrying about it all evening, I-"
"Well don't worry about me, then," Harry interrupted. Hermione sighed and closed her eyes, putting her fingers on her temples.
"Is it something to do with me?" she said slowly, waiting for an answer from Harry. He didn't give one so she asked, "Or is it to do with Barrett?" Again, Harry didn't answer, and Hermione took it as the answer to what was bothering him. "What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing." Before Hermione could say anything more, Harry turned and opened the door. On his way out, he said quietly over his shoulder, "Have a good time, Hermione." He shut the door behind him and began walking quickly down the hall back to his room in case Hermione was going to follow him. He was actually surprised that she didn't. But then, he thought, looking at his watch, it was almost time for her to go. Teddy frowned at his godfather and his hair turned blue again. He would never figure out these silly adults.
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Hermione sighed and rolled her eyes as the door shut. Damn him. Damn him for coming over, the first time he'd done so in two weeks, just to cause her to try and figure out his moody demeanor. He had to know she'd try talking to him about it, so if he didn't want to tell her what exactly was wrong then why come right before she was about ready to walk out the door?
It had something to do with her. Or Barrett. Or both. She heaved a furious sigh once more. Why wasn't there a spell for performing memory charms on yourself so to forget the things that were plaguing your mind? Oh well, she thought as she put on her jacket and walked out the door, just push it from your mind. Worry about it later. But as she was walking down the hall she told herself furiously, No, I won't think about it later. I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm moving on, and moving on does not involve dwelling on the issues Harry's having. I won't think about it anymore.
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Harry was in desperate need of some space. The flat was driving him crazy. He needed a walk. So, leaving Teddy with Winky, he left the castle and took to wandering the grounds. It was a nice night; there was a light breeze that drifted through the branches of the trees making a calming sound. In the west, the sun had just sunk below the horizon, casting an orange glow onto everything. Hundreds of thoughts were going through Harry's mind as he went on his walk, most of them were memories. Memories of the days when he walked the grounds as a student, where he had less complicated things to worry about in his life. Granted, yes, the Voldemort thing was a huge issue that dominated his life, but at least with Voldemort he knew kind of what he could expect in the end. It was kill or be killed. Though at the end you could kind of say he did both. Now his life was so full of things where he had no idea what could happen next. It was feelings that made everything complicated. He had almost been afraid to feel anything when he was younger because he knew Voldemort could use those feelings against him. But now that the Dark Lord was dead, there was nothing to worry about. Except the feelings themselves. Especially when he didn't really know for sure what exactly his feelings were.
He was walking along the edge of the Forbidden Forest pondering his thoughts when a voice made him jump.
"Good evening, Professor Potter." Harry looked around for the person who spoke, unsure if he'd really heard the girl or not. He knew for sure that he'd heard the voice when she giggled.
"Up here, Harry," the girl said with an amused tone to her voice. Harry looked up and saw Luna Lovegood perched on a branch of a tree about ten feet up. She smiled at him.
"Hello," she said brightly.
"Luna? What are you doing up there?"
"I'm waiting for a Panthered Poketi. I set a couple traps in the forest beneath a few trees. I'm hoping to catch one, because they're extremely useful for helping one focus when studying for exams. Professor Granger has an exam for us to take on Monday. I'm sure I'll do fine, but I would like the extra help in focusing on my studying." Harry slowly nodded to make it look like he understood.
"I see. Any luck so far?"
"No," Luna said disappointedly. "I haven't seen any yet. But I'm hopeful. What brings you out tonight?" Harry shrugged.
"Nothing, just out for a walk. I felt like I needed to clear my mind." Luna nodded in understanding.
"We all need that from time to time." The two of them were silent for a few minutes until Luna spoke again. "Are you ok, Professor? You look like you're under the influence of Feudal Frinkles." Harry almost laughed at Luna's comment but stopped himself. He did, however, smile at it.
"What are Feudal Frinkles?"
"They invade the mind and cause a lot of conflict in the person's thoughts. You seem to have been under the influence for the last couple weeks." This time, Harry did laugh.
"Well, if that's what they do, Luna, then you're probably right. I've been having issues with Feudal Frinkles. How does one get rid of them?" Luna gave him a small smile.
"You solve your conflicts," she said simply.
"What if your conflicts are more complex than something like whether you should wear a blue or green jumper?"
"But choosing a blue or green jumper is a complex conflict. Dertle Dollies are unavoidably attracted to blue, so you wouldn't necessarily want a blue one, but then Captful Canaries are unavoidably attracted to green, so whichever you feel is the lesser of two evils, I suppose." Harry laughed, shaking his head.
"Ok, I guess that was a bad example."
"But I understand what you mean. And you know, sometimes solving conflicts helps if you talk to someone. Get another perspective on things. I know it's none of my business since you're my teacher and I am your student, but here-" She grabbed the branch she was sitting on and swung down till her feet found the one below it and she repeated the process till she was on the ground. "If it helps, pretend that I'm just Luna, and you're just Harry, and you and I are classmates again like we used to be." Harry nodded and the two of them walked along the edge of the forest, Harry explaining everything that had gone on that was `conflicting' him, while Luna patiently listened, not speaking until Harry had finished.
"I see those Frinkles have done a good job on you. This is much more complex than avoiding Dertle Dollies or Captful Canaries. Well, my first question, do you think Ronald could be right?" Harry shrugged.
"I don't know."
"I think Ronald is more perceptive than people give him credit for. And I think he's right. I think it's real chemistry. From what I see of you and Hermione, I think that's what it is."
"But just when I was thinking things were going to change she goes out with that Smyth bloke."
"Not to be rude or anything, Harry, but what did you expect? That she'd just sit around and wait for you forever? She was convinced that you didn't think of her that way, so why shouldn't she go out with him?" Luna was right, Harry had been pretty naïve to think that Hermione would sit and wait to see if he might or might not realize his feelings for her. He was just about to admit that to Luna when she asked him the loaded question.
"Exactly how do you feel about her, Harry? Is it just a passing fancy or do you love her?"
"I don't know."
"I can see that. Most of us have a hard time seeing what love is when it's staring us right in the face. Because we're scared of it, or believe that we're in love when we're really in lust, or we're just plain not looking hard enough for it. But only you can answer that question. The rest of us could tell you what we assume, but not necessarily what you feel. And I think, Harry, that you're only going to get rid of this conflict when you figure out exactly how you feel about Hermione."
"That is the problem though."
"Then you know how to fix it."
"But how? I'm one of those people, Luna, I don't think I'd know what love was if it was staring me in the face. I mean, I've seen it, and I've experienced some forms of it, but as to romantic love, I have no idea how to recognize it in my own life."
"I don't know how to explain it to you, Harry. I think you'll just know when it happens. But in my experience, love isn't all about fireworks and whistles and flashing lights. It's more subtle, it can creep up on you when you least expect it. Who knows, years from now you won't be able to pinpoint exactly when it happened because it came so gradually. Or it might be fireworks, you never know."
"What if it is love?"
"Then you tell her how you feel."
"What if it's too late?"
"If it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be. But something tells me that's not the case. You'll never know until you find out."
"Well, thanks, Luna," Harry said when they had walked back to the tree Luna had climbed before. "You were right; it does help to get another person's perspective on things."
"Glad to help, Harry. Oh, I was going to ask you, did the radishes help ward off the Western Blue Bellied Beneezels from Teddy?"
"Um, I don't know, what was I supposed to look for?"
"Does he speak yet?"
"Yeah. He says `Dad'." Luna grinned.
"Good, then they helped. The Blue Bellied Beneezels affect a child's speech. If he hadn't spoken yet, it might've been a problem."
"I see, well thanks again for those. Did you catch a Panthered Poketi yet?" Luna walked to her traps and looked at them hopefully. She sighed when her trap that resembled a bear trap with a single orange radish in the middle was empty.
"No, not yet. But if I don't I'll be fine without one, but it just would've helped me study."
"Well, if you need any help this weekend, just let me know."
"Thanks, Harry. Oh wait, we're professor and student now. Professor." Harry waited till Luna climbed the tree again before he turned to leave.
"Happy hunting, Luna. Have a good night."
"Thanks, Professor. You too." Harry went back to the castle and back to his flat. He thanked Winky for watching Teddy and proceeded to start putting him down for the night. That evening was his night for the Wolfsbane Potion, and although it was easier to convince Teddy to take it, he still put up a fight. It took him till after 1:30 before he got Teddy to stop crying and was able to rock him to sleep. Teddy had just drifted off when Harry heard a light knock on the door.
"Who is it?" he called softly to his visitor.
"It's Hermione."
"Come in." Hermione slowly opened the door and poked her head in, knowing that she should be quiet because Teddy was asleep. Any anger she had towards Harry at the beginning of the evening melted away when she saw him sitting in the chair with Teddy in his arms. It was a sweet sight.
She smiled at him and whispered, "Did you just get him to sleep?"
"He had to take his potion tonight, and you know that's never an easy ordeal." Hermione nodded in understanding.
"I see. Well, I just wanted to stop by and let you know I was back."
"Did you have a good time?"
"Yeah, I did," Hermione said honestly. True to her word, she hadn't thought about Harry once while she was at the ball. The two of them didn't say anything, Hermione just smiled down at Teddy in Harry's arms.
"Well," she said eventually. "Good night."
"Good night, Hermione." As she shut the door and left, Harry stared at the door long after she'd gone. Perhaps Luna was right, maybe love was subtle.
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A/n: Well, there's chapter 20. Wow, twenty chapters already, that's crazy, this is the longest fanfic I've written! Ok, and the next one is going to jump ahead a few months, it'll pick up the summer after this current school year. Hopefully I can make it work without things being too confusing. So, look for 21 soon, I've already got it started, and I've got an idea of how it'll all come together so hopefully it won't take too long to write.
P.S. BTW, the links below are the inspiration for the dress that I just created in my head for Hermione. The sleeves one is what I imagined them to look like, only green with gold embroidery. That same embroidery is on the hem as well. And the color swatch is kind of the shade of green I was thinking of. Since it's a fall ball, I tried to have her wear some fall colors, and it's REALLY hard to find something similar to the dress I was imagining especially this time of year. So hopefully I described it well enough for you to get the jist of it, the rest is your imagination!
Sleeves
Color
http://lsribbon.com/images/Forest%20Green%20df%20satin.jpg
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