Healing
The room was warm, too warm. Of all the sensations, James couldn't believe that was the first one that had come back. He didn't feel like he was strong enough to open his eyes yet, he remembered vaguely what had happened. He knew his father was dead, and he knew he couldn't pretend he hadn't seen the horrible way his leg bones had pierced though his flesh and the way his blood had oozed. It all made him sick.
`Maybe I died, and that is why my legs don't hurt,' James thought as he fearfully wiggled his toes.
It was true. What should have been excruciating only ached slightly. He decided not to push it, and he felt around internally for anything else he should be aware of. James could feel his hands being held, the right one being held by tiny hands, soft and familiar. He knew those hands, they were Lily's hands. She held his big, strong hand in both of hers, her cheek resting now against them. Her cheek was wet with tears.
`Ah, Lily is crying for me,' James thought. `I wonder who has my left hand, then.'
"We aren't leaving him," Sirius said gruffly to someone just outside of James' hearing. James smiled on the inside. Sirius was squeezing his hand rather firmly and it felt like tears were dropping on his left hand as well.
`I can't be dead,' James thought. `Dead people can't feel the tears of their loved ones on them. But where am I?'
James couldn't hear the familiar sounds of his house, though the sounds were familiar. He tested his eyes, opening one then the other slowly. Everything was blurry and out of focus. For a moment, James panicked, thinking his mind had been addled. Then he figured he didn't have his glasses on, and that explained why things were so blurry.
"What happened?" James moaned as Lily's face came in to view. She burst into tears and threw her arms around him as best as she could. She was sobbing so hard, and James patted her shoulder with one hand.
"You are, my son, a very lucky young man," Professor Dumbledore said as he came into view. Lily tenderly placed James' glasses on his face. "Miss Evans and Mr. Black here flew you safely all the way back to Hogwarts."
"But why?" James asked slowly as he flexed his toes.
"Death eaters, my boy, killed your parents," Dumbledore said softly. "Your mother died to protect you and Lily."
James said nothing; he just laid there as Lily held him in her arms. He felt numb, not wanting to pull away from Lily, but not wanting her to touch him either. In flashes, he remembered his mother pushing Lily aside and taking the curse full force. He remembered Lily snatching him up off the ground and leaving everyone else behind. She held on to him as tightly as she dared, crying, and she flew as fast and hard as possible. She sent misdirected curses over her shoulder at a dark figure that had been following her.
"Stop, Lily, it's me," Sirius had yelled as he dipped and dodged her curses. Sirius didn't dare try to retaliate for fear of actually hitting Lily or James.
Lily hadn't slowed down or stopped, she just flew as fast as she could; hanging on tight to James and praying he didn't fall off the broom. Sirius' broom was slower, but since he was only carrying one person on his broom he was able finally to catch up with Lily. He didn't ask her to stop, just flew by her side as Lily headed on toward the school. It was the safest place that she could think of, and she felt that everything would be ok if she had made it there.
"Perhaps Miss Evans and Mr. Black should go on and lay down a bit," Dumbledore suggested firmly as he touched Lily's shoulder. Lily reluctantly pulled back. She didn't want to leave him alone, after she had struggled so long to bring James to the safest place she knew. She was exhausted, though, flying them both for hours to the school, and she felt as if she would collapse at any moment. She was still wearing the same clothes and she knew there was still a few hours left of darkness.
"Come on, Lily," Sirius coaxed as he supported her with an arm. He led her back to the deserted Gryffindor common room, and straight up to the seventh year boys' dormitory. Peter sat up in shock as Sirius clambered into the room noisily with Lily.
"What is she doing here? I thought you were gone away for the holiday," Peter squeaked as he watched Sirius half carry Lily over towards James' bed.
"Go back to sleep," Sirius told him.
"She can't stay here," Peter said. "It is against the rules."
"Shut up, Peter," Sirius said as he summoned a tee shirt of James'. Sirius had begun helping Lily out of the torn and tattered dress.
"You are undressing her?" Peter exclaimed in horror.
"God, SHUT UP PETER!" Sirius yelled at him, flicking his wand at Peter's bedchamber curtains, drawing the thick maroon drapes tight around Peter's bed. Sirius quickly removed the dress and pulled the tee shirt over Lily's head. She was too exhausted to be of much help, and Sirius took the job in the most serious matters. The days of crude joking were gone. Sirius tucked Lily into James' bed and stripped down to his boxer shorts before heading to his own bed.
"Thanks, Sirius," Lily said softly as she drifted off to sleep.
"Thank you. You saved my best friend's life," Sirius told her as sleep consumed him as well.
Lily sat outside of the hospital wing that next morning for three hours before Sirius came out and told her that James really didn't want to see her. She nodded and sat back down on the hard bench. She hadn't been surprised by his reaction. Her sister had reacted the same way, blaming Lily for the death of their parents. There was no way that this could have been a coincidence. Two sets of parents had perished because Lily hadn't been able to be killed.
The part that was most frustrating was that Severus and Lucius were both at school. There had not been a record of either of them leaving the school grounds, and by the time that Sirius had thought about checking the map, it would have given them plenty of time to sneak back into the school undetected. There were, after all, plenty of hidden ways to sneak in and out of the school.
"Lily, I am sorry," Sirius said on his third time out of the hospital. She had looked up at him hopefully, but James had summoned Remus to join him for a visit.
"No, no, it's ok," Lily said quietly as she sat down. "I understand."
Lily was glad to have classes restart to distract her from everything that had happened with James. She had decided he would come around when he was ready, and if that was never, she was prepared to live with that. Really, she could live with that, though if Lily had her choice, she would prefer not to live the rest of her life without him.
The first day James was back in class, everyone milled around him like he was a celebrity, and in a sense he was. He had been tortured and his family had been killed by Death Eaters, and he had survived. Lily looked up at him as he walked into potions with Sirius and Remus, Peter trailing behind. James and she made eye contact, but he broke it almost immediately and she turned back to her cauldron. She felt a deep longing, but she kept it at bay. She would give him time.
It seemed like, where as before they had to go out of their way to see each other, this last semester had thrown them a curve ball and they were constantly crossing paths. Lily could only imagine that the sight of her caused him pain. It caused her pain, also, because she knew she loved him and she wanted to be with him. If it hadn't been for the Death Eater attack on Christmas night, James would have read those pages and then they would have been together.
"Damn it," Lily swore loudly as she threw her potion book into the travesty she called a potion. Of all the classes she had to take that needed her undivided attention, potion class was causing her the most grief. For one, she had James ignoring her as if she didn't even exist. For the other, she had Severus who was feigning innocence to the attack. Lily knew his voice, and she knew he had been there.
"Is there a problem?" Professor Slughorn asked her quietly as he peered into her cauldron. Her potion book bobbed in the sickly yellow potion.
"Nothing death can't fix, right?" Lily moaned. She didn't even look at the others. She was struggling with classes that had been so easy. She felt so much guilt that she couldn't tolerate another second in James' presence.
"Perhaps I should pair you with Mr. Snape for the remainder of the day to get you caught up, dear," Professor Slughorn offered gently. Lily shook her head and gathered her books.
"I am done," Lily said. Professor Slughorn looked at the clock on the wall.
"But dear, there is still more than thirty minutes left in class, and your potion is no where near being complete," Professor Slughorn coaxed.
"No, you old coot, I am done, as in finished. I give up. They win. I quit," Lily snapped as she headed out the dungeon classroom door. Everyone looked at each other nervously. They had seen kids crack up over the years, but Lily had always been a beacon of stability in an unstable world. Sirius grabbed James' arm and steered him out the door, shouting back to Professor Slughorn that they would find out what was wrong.
"Sirius, really," James said dully as he was drug along after Sirius. "I don't want to do this." Sirius turned around and hit James. James glowered at him, rubbing his cheek.
"Angry yet?" Sirius asked.
"What the hell was that for?" James asked as he jumped up, his fist clenched.
"That was from your dad. Do you think he would want you turning the cold shoulder towards the woman you love?" Sirius asked him.
"Don't talk about my father like you'd know what he would want," James threatened as he continued on after Sirius. Sirius shook his head.
"Your parents would be so disappointed in the way that you are acting. They died to ensure you had a chance at life. Lily would have died if your mom hadn't pushed her aside. Your mother's last words were for Lily to take care of you," Sirius told him. "Your mother and father saw how much you both loved each other, and yet you are treating Lily as if it was her fault that they were dead."
"It is," James said dully. "If I hadn't brought Lily home, there would have been no reason for the Death Eaters to attack my family."
"They weren't looking for Lily, only, James," Sirius told him. "They were looking for you, too. I overheard Dumbledore talking. Apparently, Lord what's-his-name doesn't want you two together, at all cost."
"So?" James asked dully. Sirius hit him again. "Stop hitting me."
"Stop being an ass," Sirius said. "So, your parents knew about it, and your parents died to give you and Lily a chance. Moreover, what do you do with it? You go and push her down and push her away. She loves you, and you love her. If you aren't careful, you are going to loose her."
"So what if I do?" James asked listlessly. "Nothing is ever going to be the same."
"You are a moron, really. No, nothing is going to be the same, it's true. Don't make your parents death be in vain, James," Sirius said. "Fight for the love, ok?"
"I'll think about it," James said as he left Sirius alone in the corridor. James headed out to the only place he felt anything less than cold and emptiness, though it was cold and empty: the Quidditch pitch. Today, thought, the pitch betrayed him. Lily was sitting on a bench about half way up in the Gryffindor section. She had one of the school brooms next to her, but it looked no more alive than the snow that crunched under James' feet.
Lily looked up to see James standing on the field, looking up at her. She didn't make a move, she remained still, her rear end freezing cold and damp from the snow that had remained on the bench. She had wiped it off the best that she could, but some had remained. James stood there, watching her for what seemed like an hour though probably on a handful of minutes had passed. James turned to leave and out of the corner of his eye he saw Lily bury her face into her hands. She had, finally, broken.
James saw her sitting alone at their favorite table in the library. She was poised to do some work, but she was gazing out the window thoughtfully. James started toward her, eager to see her before realization poured over him. He stopped and watched her for a while, her faces still, her eyes welled up with tears that seemed to flow unhindered when she thought that no one was looking. Each tear drop seemed to mar the words she had written in her trademark purple quill ink. She glanced over reflexively as James knocked over a stack of books. She hastily wiped away the tears she had shed and she packed away her books.
James felt her shoulder brush his as she hurried past him on her way out of the library, Lily stopping only long enough to squeeze his hand. She released it as quickly as she had grasped it, James only vaguely certain she had actually touched him. He knew he couldn't avoid her forever. After all, they had patrol together tonight and on a full moon at that.
The two walked along the corridors in silence. They had been walking like that for about an hour, and Lily knew that she needed to do something quick as they would only walk about a half an hour longer before they would turn in for the night. She was a bundle of nerves, her thoughts and plans spinning like a tilt-o-wheel in her mind. It was now or never.
`After tonight, we will either be together or we will never be together again,' Lily thought as she took a deep breath.
"I want to show you something," Lily said suddenly as she took James firmly by the hand. She felt his reluctance and he tried to pull away. "No, James."
"I really rather not," James said quietly as he attempted to pull his hand away again.
"Damn it, James," Lily swore as she held his hand tighter, her eyes clenched tight. They were already where they needed to be, she just had to open the door. She could picture it and much to James' surprise a door appeared where a blank wall had previously begun. She was strong, but she needed James to come willingly. She wasn't strong enough to pull him into the room if he really struggled against her.
"Fine," James said as Lily opened the door and the two headed into the room. James looked around the fine room that the Room of Requirement had decided to turn into, his eyes adjusting to the soft light. "What is this?"
"The Room of Requirement," Lily answered as she closed the door behind her. James was no longer holding her hand. He was circling the room, looking at the details.
"I know that, but why did it turn into this?" James asked as he glanced at the large bed. It practically beckoned him. He saw Lily's diary resting almost as if forgotten on the bed, the envelope still sticking out of it oddly.
"I needed to bring you to the scene of the diary from three years ago, today," Lily said quietly as she looked around the room with little interest. She had already been in this room once, and it looked exactly how it did back in 1975. It was 1978, and the room hadn't aged a bit.
"Why in the hell do you really think I would want to?" James asked angrily as he spun to look at her.
"I need you to put the diary back together, so that I may finally have it back," Lily murmured as she ignored his anger. "I can't open the envelope and I can't mend the book. I charmed it so that only you can."
"You set me up?" James asked angrily. "You never intended on me keeping up my end of the bargain."
"There are ways that you could have your cake and eat it, too, yes, but that is all the past," Lily said as she gestured to the book.
"What if I say no to you?" James asked as he reached for the book. He looked at Lily, who looked as if she was the loneliest person in the world.
"It wouldn't be the first time," Lily said honestly. "If you tell me no, I will wait."
"For how long?" James asked as he held the envelope in his hand.
"For as long as it takes, I suppose," Lily said as she sat down next to him on the bed.
"For what takes?" James asked as his finger touched the seal.
"For you to come around," Lily said. She wasn't looking at him, or the envelope. She was swinging her feet and looking at the ground. Some loose hair had fallen into her face.
"And if I never come around?" James asked as he drew his wand.
"What is it that you really want? I am tired of asking you," Lily snapped. "You used to want me." James was taken aback. Lily had never spoken to him in such a manner, even when she despised him. Her words were angry and filled with hurt. She quickly looked away without another word.
"I am angry too," James admitted quietly. Lily nodded.
"Sorry about that," Lily said quietly as she folded her hands on top of her lap.
James' wand opened the envelope on the side opposite of the seal. It was an unusual way to open it, no doubt, but James felt it was the right way to open it. He pulled the torn sheets from the enveloped and looked at them. He turned them over in his hand, his face reflecting his disappointment.
"They're blank," James said. Lily looked up at him and nodded.
"Yes," Lily said as she nodded to the diary. "They have to be put back where they came from and offered up a sacrifice to be read."
"To authenticate the owner and the reader?" James asked as if he had already known. Lily hadn't needed to nod but she did anyways. James opened the diary to the torn section and placed each sheet back in there, running the tip of his wand along the seam until all three were permanently placed with in the diary.
Lily pressed her finger against the page leaving behind a red dot of her own blood. James cringed at the thought, but he followed suit, using a sewing needle that seemed to appear all of a sudden in the room of requirement. He hesitated, wondering where he needed to press his finger. He looked to Lily's drop of blood and pressed his own to hers, the book slammed shut with a loud bang before it jerked open in his lap. Lily spread her hand over the words, blocking them from view.
"No matter what you read, James, I want you to know that I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else," Lily said. She pressed her mouth against his, not surprised to find his lips unyielding to hers. James turned away, nodded in acceptance, and looked down at the words, reading the missing passages from Lily's diary.
3rd, February 1975
I wish I could writing that last night was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced, that Sev and I shared something so magical that I could never dream of any other man being with me the way we were together. I really wish I could. As I write this, I feel like my soul has been ripped into pieces, shreds of soul and light and heart scattered around me. A prayer and wish for a Dementors' kiss. A sweet reprieve from the ache within me.
We walked from the Astronomy tower to the Room of Requirement, and we were nearly caught by Remus, who was out patrolling and doing his prefect duty as I should have done. I skipped out on duty tonight just to be with Sev.
As Sev had promised, the room was perfect and I knew that tonight was the night. I couldn't help but be nervous, though, but Sev promised he would be gentle with me. He knew I was scared but he assured me I was safe with him.
I was alone for a long time that night, unable to sleep. I replayed the nights events in my mind over and over, unable to see where the fabric of our adventure unraveled to the point Sev fled from me. Was it me?
We had kissed, plenty, and yet his kisses were strained last night. I asked him if there was anything wrong, and yet he denied. His fingers were hesitant as he undid each of the pearl buttons on my shirt. I didn't turn away from him, not once, while he consumed the sight of my body with his eyes. I had never been so self conscious before as his eyes roamed my naked form.
He had asked me, are you sure? I was never more certain. I wanted it to be him, for he was the only one who accepted me as I was. He knew me better than I knew myself. So he stepped forward and caressed me like no man has ever done before. His touch was gentle, but there was something else to it. He felt like he was holding back.
I was tense as I watched him undress, having never seen a man before in my life the way I saw him. He looked strong, stronger than I have ever seen him before, and there was something else, a smoldering look of desire. I think that is how it was. We were tangled in the sheets of the bed, him above me, powerful.
`I love you,' I had told him as his mouth caressed my skin. It was a gasp, though I had never been prone to gasping before. I had felt him, moving against me, though he wasn't close yet to being where he would ultimately end up.
`I know,' he had murmured as he sampled my flesh, finding in me places that at fifteen I never knew existed. He moved for me to touch him, for him to touch me and for the first time fear and panic welled up in me. He shushed me as I began to tremble; he hushed me as I turned my face away from his mouth.
`I don't want to do this,' I told him suddenly. The fear was too much. I twisted and pulled, my hands pressing at his chest… all the while I could feel him so close to being in me it terrified me. What was I thinking? I wasn't ready!
`You are just scared,' he murmured as he moved his mouth over mine again. That is when I begun to cry.
`No, Sev, please,' I cried. He pulled his head back and looked down at me. He was upset, yes, but he was also angry. He pulled away from me, wrapping the sheet around his body, and leaving me exposed on the bed.
`If that is what you want,' he said coldly to me. It was then; I saw the mark on his arm. He looked at me with cold contempt. `Leave.'
I was numb while I dressed. He refused even to look at me, as if I was tainted by my fear and weakness. We had come so close, yet I was still as physically whole as I had been before I entered that room. Emotionally, I am broken.
18th February 1975
I have been avoiding him, and I am not one who avoids others, but shame and hurt fill my heart every time I see him. I want to run and throw myself at his feet, beg him to be the one. I am ready, I will say. I will apologize for being such a child then. I have told Alice, and she swears she won't tell. If we knew how to the unbreakable vow we would do it, but we don't know how, so instead we just promise.
27th, February 1975
Two weeks from that night, and still his fingers burn on my skin, but it is not that that concerns me. No, not anymore. It is his relationship with Malfoy. They have the same branding, and I fear that Sev doesn't know what he has managed to get himself into. I tried to talk to him, but Malfoy laughed me right back to where I came from. He had called me a filthy Mudblood, and Sev didn't say anything to the contrary. It was the last straw to break my heart.
9th March, 1975
Potter asked me out and I nearly said yes. Anything to block the pain and ridicule in the words Sev sends my way nearly every day. I knew Sev would hate to see me in the arms of James Potter, and the thought had crossed my mind to do with Potter what I almost did with Sev. As the six and seventh year girls told me, you get to a point where it doesn't mean anything anymore. I couldn't do that to Potter. Sure, he and I clash all of the time but he seems decent enough and I really don't want to be a user. It isn't fair to Potter that Sev and I didn't work out. Why should he be punished?
11th March, 1975
All bets are off with Potter. Just when I thought he was about to turn into a decent guy he goes and trips me when I am carting an arm full of Tuberlious. I was covered in maggots, and I nearly vomited. He apologized, but he couldn't stop laughing and nor could his little friends. I was mortified. I don't even have Sev to run to anymore. Life couldn't get any worse. Nevertheless, it did. Sirius shoved me into Potter's lap and sat on me. I screamed and tried to wiggle free, but was unable break away from them. I started to cry, but was unable to really get going because McGonagall came in and gave them both detention and howlers home. James glared at me for three days and didn't ask me out once.
James looked at Lily for a moment, his eyes confused. He didn't say anything, and she didn't move. She looked at him, her bottom lip drawn in as she gnawed on it. He couldn't believe that after all this time he had thought that she had been with Severus, and he did believe it, when she hadn't been able to go through with it. Anger welled up in him. She had known for three years that Severus was a Death Eater, and their parents were dead.
"I know what you are going to say," Lily said quietly. "Maybe if I had told on Severus and Lucius, our parents would still be alive. Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't, but for whatever sick and twisted reason we aren't wanted to be together."
"I see," James said as Lily took the diary out of his hand.
"The thing is, I want us to be together, James," Lily said quietly as she stood before him. "You were right when you told me that I would be chasing after you, because here I am, James. I am chasing after you."
"Lily, too much has happened," James said as he put his hand to his head.
"Yes, too much has happened, but for us not to be together," Lily said. She was determined. "I am not going to beg you; I am just going to tell you. We belong together. I know I am not the only one who feels it. There is something magical about us, the way we fit together so perfectly. I know you notice."
"Yeah," James admitted as he looked at her. It was true. There was a sort of perfection about the way they seemed to be made for each other. It was unnatural, yes, but oh so desirable. James could feel her on a molecular level, the way their atoms seemed drawn to each other.
"I won't say `no' to you, James," Lily said as she touched James' hair. "Never again."
"Good, because it was getting old," James said as a smile crossed his face. "Now get over here and let me show you how a Marauder takes care of his woman."
A/N: So that brings us to the end of this little adventure. I don't think it needs anything else, like an epilogue, but if anyone wants one, I can get one uploaded. Thanks for participating in our little adventure.
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