A/N: Sorry it is taking so long to get these chapters out. They are a bit on the longer side, so that is part of why it is taking so long. Thank you all for your reviews. It makes it worth while (and I have no idea if you actually like what you are reading, otherwise). So… read and review. Thanks.
Trading Off
Alice opened the door to her dorm room rather carefully, not certain what she was expecting to find. She had read that sometimes people became so distraught that they hung themselves in their bedchambers. Alice hoped that this was not the case. She loved Lily and would hate to see any harm come to her, even at her own hand. The dorm was quiet and Alice pushed her way further into the room. Lily was sitting on a chair by her bed, buckling her dress shoes. Lily didn't look up.
"Lily?" Alice asked quietly. Lily stood, and didn't look at her immediately. Alice looked at her best friend, concerned.
"I don't know what I was thinking," Lily said as tears slipped down her face. Lily wiped them away harshly.
"James really does like you, only, he's a stupid boy," Alice told her. Lily tried to force a smile at Alice, but fell short of actually producing a smile.
"No, he isn't stupid," Lily said quietly as she sized herself up in the mirror. "I am."
"What are you talking about?" Alice asked as she watched Lily fiddle with the buttons on her sweater. Lily didn't reply at first, just tilted her slightly, and brushed her hair out of her face.
"I actually let myself believe that James liked me," Lily said as heat rose to her cheeks shamefully. "I allowed myself to be one of those girls that liked him back, despite myself."
"You really like him?" Alice asked incredulously. Lily shot her a scathing look.
"Liked, as in past tense," Lily said as she glanced over her shoulder. "I was stupid, really, and I can't believe I left my diary in my bag, of all places, and God, he read it, Alice. I knew it was in the bag when he took it, too."
"Hmm," Alice murmured as she watched Lily slide her sleeve up to check her watch. Alice saw the Mandrake bite, but didn't say anything. She knew this was not the time for an `I-told-you-so', not with the foul mood Lily was in. "Where are you going?"
"Dinner," Lily said. She looked back at the diary that was resting so innocently on Lily's made bed.
"You really want to go down?" Alice asked in surprise.
"I am not afraid of him," Lily said. "Heartbroken, maybe, but never afraid."
"I am sure we could order up. The house elves would have no problem with that," Alice offered as Lily straightened up. Lily's eyes met Alice's eyes.
"I am not making more work for the elves because someone went and read all of my deepest secrets," Lily said coolly as she headed toward the dorm room door. "I am embarrassed, but I am not going to hide like a coward. My parents weren't cowards, and neither am I."
"What are you going to do about James?" Alice said. Lily glanced over her shoulder.
"Nothing," Lily said simply as she left Alice waiting in the dorm. Alice chased after Lily, her eyes falling on Sirius and James as she headed down the stairs. James went to stand, but Sirius pulled him back into the chair. Lily didn't make any motion towards them, and Alice and she exited the portrait hole.
"Did he read the entry?" Alice asked as she caught up with Lily. Lily patted her side pocket to her sweater.
"No," Lily said. "Not yet. I never replaced the pages."
"Not yet? You are going to let him read them?" Alice asked in disbelief. Lily looked at her friend rather distastefully.
"No," Lily said as she headed into the Great Hall. "I am, though, going to give him the opportunity to, should he wish. He knows everything else. Why not that?"
"Lily, think about what you are doing," Alice warned. "He might not know any of that."
"Alice, really, you can't believe that. The way the book is damaged there, it always falls open to that entry. I just want to push all the questions out of his head, once and for all."
"Lily, please," Alice said.
"Oh, and I want you to teach me to fly," Lily said as she sat down at the table.
"But James…" Alice started.
"Alice, please," Lily said quietly. For the first time in a few minutes, Lily looked like she might cry again. Alice clammed up.
"Ok," Alice said. She watched as Lily pulled the envelope with the three sheets of missing diary entries. Alice's eye went to them, neatly folded in a paper tomb. Lily was waving her wand slowly over them, casting a spell no one else could hear. Alice didn't even see a single muscle in Lily's face twitch or move as she slowly cast the spell.
A single tear slipped from Lily's eyes and dotted the back flap of the envelope. Lily pulled a pin free of her sweater and pricked her finger, squeezing a reluctant drop of blood from her slender finger. It joined her tear drop and swirled on the edge of the flap. Lily took her wand and pressed it hard into the envelope, sealing it much like a wax seal.
"Nearly done," Lily whispered to the envelope as she motioned for her wand to scroll the words `Should curiosity be too much for you'. She waved her wand over it and it disappeared from in front of them.
"What did you do?" Alice asked in horror as she looked at the place where the envelope had been. Lily was already piling her favorite ice box chicken on her plate. Lily looked at Alice and smiled.
"Nothing I can't live with, now eat up," Lily said with false brightness in her voice. She took a big bite of the chicken. "I want to see if you can help me finally get on a broom, tonight."
Alice and Lily found themselves on the pitch later that evening. The sun was low enough not to cause a glare, but not so much so that it was impractical to think that Lily and Alice shouldn't be flying. Alice had her broom, and while not nearly as spiffy as James', it was rightly perfect compared to the hideous school broom. Unlike when James tried to teach Lily, the pitch was full of people. The weather was one of the few last days it was certain to remain warm enough to make people want to be outside of the castle.
Lily saw James before he saw her, and for a fleeting moment, Lily contemplated surrendering and running back to the castle. Lily stiffened her spine and she and Alice headed to the most deserted end of the pitch. Alice stood holding her broom while she dictated things like form. Lily listened but didn't see where the theory behind how to fly would really get her off the ground, and more importantly back safely.
"What are you doing?" James asked as he and Sirius pulled to a sharp stop in midair, hovering a few feet from the ground. The girls looked up at them, Lily neither mad nor happy to see him. Her face was blank and expressionless.
"Isn't it obvious?" Lily replied as Alice scooted closer to Sirius, who had dipped down to plant a kiss on Alice's lips. "Alice is teaching me to fly."
"But I was teaching you to fly," James said in an almost whiny sort of way. Lily made an unpleasant face.
"No, you taught me how to summon a broom," Lily said. She tossed the old school broom five feet away and held out her hand. "Accio broom."
The broom under James dropped out from under him and flew into Lily's outstretched hand. James fell rather ungracefully from the air into a heap, unharmed but with a bruised pride. Lily held his broom in her hand, her mouth opened in shock. She looked at the school broom that looked no more magical than the broom Lily had at home.
"What the hell was that for?" James asked as he pulled himself off the ground. Sirius was laughing so hard he nearly fell from his own broom. James pulled his glasses straight and walked over to Lily. He didn't reach for his broom.
"I… I wasn't trying to summon your broom," Lily defended as she glanced between the broom in her hand and the one on the ground. She thrust James' broom back into his hand and focused on the broom on the ground. "Accio broom."
Again, James' broom tore free from him and landed hard in Lily's hand. Each time she shoved it back into his hand, more manic than the time before, and tried to summon the broom on the ground. Alice was getting angry. Lily couldn't face facts. She couldn't summon the school broom to save her life, no matter how many times she tried.
"I give up!" Alice snapped as she snatched James' broom from Lily's hand and shoved it back into James' hand. "You teach her! C'mon Sirius."
Alice and Sirius flew off and Lily looked angry, really angry, as she stared at the traitorous broom. James held it out to her, but Lily turned around and snapped the school broom up off the ground. James waited patiently as Lily tried to take off, the broom neatly between her knees as she kicked off the ground. She looked like a misguided pogo jumper and he laughed.
"What in the hell is so damn funny?" Lily asked angrily.
"You," James said as he held his broom out to her.
"It won't work for me," Lily snapped. "I don't trust you."
James watched as Lily turned her back on him and headed back to the castle. She had, again, walked away from a flying lesson without her feet ever leaving the ground. James sighed and followed after her, but never intended to catch up with her. He knew she needed time. They would have time to talk later, during patrol, or tomorrow in Hogsmeade. James swallowed. He wondered if she was still going to meet him in Hogsmeade. She hadn't ever retracted, but after the events that had transpired, he couldn't be sure.
James lost sight of Lily as she headed towards the library. Defeated, he knew he needed to give her space and instead of following her, he headed back to his dorm room. He stood in the doorway to his dorm as his eyes surveyed the room. It was Friday, and yet his bed was neatly made, as was the other beds, all matching Peter's precision. He knew Peter hadn't done it. Peter didn't dare touch Sirius's bed. James stored his broom in the broom cabinet and glanced to his bed where an object lay on top of the spread.
James crossed the room, never removing his eyes from the familiar object. Lily's diary was positioned on the bed, an envelope poking out of either side. The clasp was locked, but the key was still firmly in the chamber. James hesitated, his fingers touching it. He scooped it up in his hands and sat down on the edge of the bed. He slid his fingers between the clasp and book. Inside the front cover, new writing had formed:
Word upon a page or stories in a heart
Mean nothing between us when were apart
Shattered delusions and thoughtless dreams
Starry night and torn seams
A challenge I give and a chance I take
More than one heart is at stake
So read, learn, tease, and taunt
Take whatever message from this you want
And sealed between blood and tears
The truth, nothing more, and my fears.
"Awe, she's a poet, too," James murmured as he opened the book to where she had shoved the envelope. His hands trembled as he held in his hand what he knew were the missing three pages. He couldn't see with in the opaque envelope, but he could feel that the three pages were in there. His fingers went to the red seal on the back of the envelope and hesitated. Why now? They had just argued about the diary.
She had said that he had invaded her privacy, and now she was offering it up for him to read and devour however he wanted to. There had to be a catch. Lily was a smart girl, and she wouldn't open herself to such fragility and trust. There was always a catch. Though tempted, James placed the envelope back into the diary and instead settled back in his bed to read it cover to cover, like a deep, sordid novel.
He came to the last entry long after he his friends had come up. It was a new entry, written that very afternoon, shortly after James had been discovered with her book. He hesitated once again before reading it word for word.
14th, October 1977
Tomorrow, I will be in Hogsmeade with the third years, but I will not be alone. Sirius and Alice have taken to each other, and I must be supportive, though I know that when Alice spends Christmas with Frank, Sirius and she will be finished. James has compromised this diary, so this will be my last entry. Perhaps, one day when I look back at this I will be able to laugh at the sad and sorry state I am in. Until then, may James keep you safe.
James closed the diary and placed it with the envelope deep within his trunk. He dressed in fresh clothes for his patrol with Lily. He stood in the mirror and tried to flatten his hair as best he could. He wanted to make it up to Lily, but he just didn't know how. It was as if a lightening bolt had hit him when he realized that he had the power all along to make her understand that he was serious about her and he really cared. He dove in head first to his trunk and pulled free the diary.
James made his way down the stairs and stood in the portrait hole, waiting for Lily. He wanted to talk to her about something, to make a proposal of sorts. Remus came up beside him, not noticing that James store the diary in his pocket. James looked at him expectantly.
"Lily asked me to come," Remus said in passing. "She's in the hospital now. Apparently she is allergic to Mandrake saliva and she broke out in a rash. I am her replacement."
"Great," James forced a smile and the two headed to do their patrolling. James was disappointed. He wanted to propose a trade with Lily, but with her laid up fighting Mandrake Rash; he didn't want to push things. He knew he wouldn't be allowed at this hour to stroll into the hospital wing to talk to her.
Lily was back at breakfast the next morning, none the worse the wear for someone who supposedly had Mandrake Rash. James doubted that she had a rash, but he knew it wouldn't help his cause to accuse her of avoiding him. James had wanted to talk to her, but she just seemed unapproachable and unavailable. He knew she would have to make time for him in Hogsmeade. She couldn't possibly avoid him forever. He watched her follow after the third years that were bundles of nervous energy, wrapped in sweatshirts at the cool October air.
"She looks pretty today," Remus mentioned as he, Peter, and Sirius fell into step with James. James agreed. Lily had opted to wear muggle clothes instead of her witch's robes. She wore low riding jeans, the hip-hugging kind that made her rear look as perfect as ever. Her jacket was bulky and her stocking hat hid her hair. James had yet to see her face as she had walked along with Alice in front of James and the Marauders. Alice had glanced back and waved at Sirius.
"You know, she has a boyfriend," James grunted as Sirius waved back playfully.
"So," Sirius replied as he picked up his pace. He laughed at James and ran to catch up with Alice. James continued on the path, his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his cloak, his fingers fiddling with the metal clasp of the diary.
"Just go talk to her," Remus encouraged nudging James with his shoulder as James sulked slightly at a joyful Sirius. Sirius looked over his shoulder at them and motioned for James to catch up.
"Let's go to Zonko's," Peter suggest as he and Remus fell back from James. James suddenly found himself alone, several yards back from Lily, Alice, and Sirius. James shook his head and jogged to catch up.
The four stood in the clearing just before the fence for the Shrieking Shack. Alice and Sirius wandered away, leaving Lily and James standing alone in silence. James looked at Lily, wondering what she was thinking about. He knew it wasn't a manly thing to think or care what the girl thought about, but he found himself wondering, none the less. She was gazing at the small, decrepit shack, eyebrows knitted in deep concentration, and she was biting her lip slightly. Whatever she was thinking, it was deep. James could be certain of that.
James' finger's touched the cold metal of the diary and he pulled it from his pocket and held it out to Lily without a word. She slowly drew her gaze from the shack and looked down to where James had procured the diary for her taking. She didn't move to take it, just huddled deeper in her coat.
"Can't handle the temptation, James?" Lily asked as she looked back over the frosty landscape. There was still no snow.
"I don't want to read them," James said. Lily nodded and still did not move to take the book. James stood there, holding the book patiently. He was determined to show her that he was serious.
"I don't think you have really suffered enough," Lily said quietly as she brought her hands to her face, blowing hot air into her cupped hands.
"No, probably not," James agreed. He wouldn't fight her on this. She couldn't fight with him if he refused to fight back. "It was wrong of me to read it in the first place."
"Yeah, it was," Lily agreed. James wanted to smile at her as she continued to breathe into her hands, trying to warm them. Any other girl and he would have suggested obscene places for her to warm her hands.
"I want to propose a trade of sorts," James told her. Lily looked at him, slightly interested.
"This has to be good," Lily murmured.
"Shall we continue this at the Hogs Head?" James recommended as he stored the diary back in his cloak pocket and offered her his arm.
"We're not allowed there," Lily retorted as she took his arm anyways.
"I know the bar keep, and anyways, it is freezing out here," James said as he began to lead them away from the clearing.
Unlike the Three Broom Sticks, the Hog's Head was darker, dingier, and smelled a little like a barn. Lily wrinkled her nose up as they entered the old, worn door. The bar keep, an older man who was a little hunched and rather stocky glanced up from where he was cleaning a cup with what looked like a rather dirty rag. James removed his cloak and hung it up before turning to Lily. She unzipped her muggle jacket and handed it to James with her wooly stocking cap. She watched him hang it next to his jacket and then remove the diary.
The two sat across from each other at a rather small table towards the back. The only light that seemed to be present was cast by the low-lit candles and lamps dotting here and there. Lily looked at James expectantly, but he remained silent as the bar keep brought them both warm butter beer. Lily was thankful and drank. It began to warm her almost instantly, and her cheeks pinked slightly at the warmth.
"You had a proposal for me James?" Lily inquired once they had begun to warm in the sheltered protection of the Hog's Head.
"Yup, and I want you to listen to me carefully and not interrupt until I am finished. Then I want you to think about it before you make a choice, ok?" James rambled nervously. Lily bit her lip and then grinned, having never seen him quite so unnerved before. She nodded.
"Alright, James, I'll listen," Lily said nodding as she settled back against the seat rather relaxed in contrast to James' rather nervous demeanor. A smile played on her lips as he wet his own lips
"I want you to come home and spend the Christmas Holiday with me," James said quickly. He looked at her, expecting some sort of reaction from her. Her smile faded slightly, but she hadn't flat out turned him down. Not yet. She raised an eye brow at him and looked at him rather expectantly. She had promised she would let him say his piece and then she would get a chance to say.
"I want to trade you this," James said tapping the diary with his finger. "I will give this to you now, the envelope unread, to have you come and stay with me."
"No," Lily said once she sensed that he was done talking. James' face fell. He knew she would say no, but she hadn't even taken the time to consider it.
"You can't honestly want to stay here all break alone," James reasoned. Lily smiled and shook her head.
"You got your turn, now it is mine," Lily said as a slick smile crossed her face. She pushed the diary back towards him. "You haven't been properly tempted by the call of the book. One day is not long enough to have you suffer the temptation of the final pieces of the diary."
"But…" James interjected, just to have Lily's raised hand halt him.
"I have a proposal of my own, James," Lily said as she raised her voice just an octave louder than his own. "I will stay with you for the entire Christmas Holiday, and with thrill and joy, but you have to hang on to the diary for now and you have to give me something."
"Anything," James said a little too eagerly. Lily raised an eyebrow at him but didn't respond to his eagerness.
"It isn't tangible, but without it, there is no deal," Lily warned. James nodded. "You can never ask me out again."
"Never?" James asked as he contemplated. Being that his ultimate goal was to win her heart and make her his girlfriend, not being able to ask her out really put a damper on his plans.
"Never," Lily said smirking as she crossed her arms and leaned back. "Not in joking, not in passing. You can not come up to me and ask me out, you can't shout it as you chase after me, you can't write it in the stars, nothing."
"I never wrote it in the stars," James reminded her, laughing. Lily laughed at him, shaking her head in agreement.
"So, do we have a deal?" Lily asked.
"And if I manage to hold on to the diary with the envelope intact and never ask you out again, you will willingly spend the entire Christmas Holiday with me, at my house?" James asked, clarifying. Lily nodded.
"I promise," Lily said crossing her heart with her fingers.
"We have a deal," James said as he extended his hand over her diary. Lily shook it firmly and with drew her hand.
"Good, now let's see if you can follow through with this," Lily murmured though she was smiling at him.
"You never know, Lily," James teased. "By the end of this, you might be chasing after me, asking me out."
"I highly doubt it," Lily laughed as the two gathered their gear and readied to brave the cold to find Sirius and Alice.
"Maybe a kiss to seal the deal?" James teased. Lily pushed him out into the cold laughing.
"You are too much, Potter," Lily laughed as she shut the door to the Hog's Head. "Now, let's find Sirius and Alice and get back up to the castle before we all freeze to death."
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