No Privacy
James walked around for a while, thinking, his and Lily's bags bumping into his leg from time to time. He frowned. He had clearly heard her call him stupid. At least, he was certain that he had. James shrugged as he pushed through the portrait hole and headed up to his dorm room. He knew that it would be empty, and he wasn't disappointed. He looked to Peter's bed, wondering what planet that boy had come from. The bed was unnaturally neat, sides tucked in military style. He remembered Peter mentioning his dad was in the military or something.
"Freak," James laughed as he tossed the two bags up on his own bed. The only time it was ever made was when the house elves made it, so usually just once a week. James threw himself across the bed next to the bags and looked at Lily's bag. Like his bag, hers was a standard issue Hogwarts bag, two straps that were meant to keep the top closed but never seemed to function properly. James rolled to his side and his fingers touched the buckles, certain that at one time or another Lily's fingers had touched the same places.
James thought back to his walk to the greenhouse with her a smile creeping across his face. He hadn't ever been quite that bashful as he had been when she stood at that door to the greenhouse. He felt like there was something going on between them; he just wasn't certain what it was. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought that Lily had wanted him to kiss her. James laughed at the thought.
`Lily would rather have been kissed by Devil's Snare than to have me kiss her,' James thought, though he had to admit it was his ultimate wish to kiss her. He played with the buckles to her bag, wondering what it would be like to kiss her. She didn't seem like the kind that got kissed a lot. Not that she wasn't pretty enough. No, in fact she was. It had more to do with her personality. She had many names that people whispered behind her back about her, and they all related to coldness and iciness. It was sad, because if Lily would let down her perfect little stone wall James bet she was a lovely person to be around.
Well, he had seen it, personally on their few interactions as of lately. He smiled at the thought of spending an entire Hogsmeade trip with her, and while it was not an official date, James knew he would count it as one in his books. He looked down at something that had slid freely from Lily's bag, well, two things. He picked up a little rubber ducky. It was maybe the size of a very large grape, its yellow body faded and its little blue eyes and orange beak in stark contrast. On a whim, he cupped the small duck in his hand, blocking out the light and saw it glowed slightly.
"Lily plays with duckies," James laughed aloud to no one in particular. He set the small duck aside and touched the small bound book. It had a clasp on it and it looked rather older than any of Lily's other books. In its clasp, a key. James glanced around to see if anyone had walked in while he was peering at the duck. Still alone, James turned the key, releasing the clasp.
It was Lily's diary. James snapped the book shut. He couldn't, wouldn't dare, read the most private thoughts of Lily Evans. He glared at the book as if it was calling to him. He wouldn't do it. Her thoughts were private, they were her own. He fiddled with the small duck while glaring at that book. He had already opened it, the damage was done. What harm could come of reading just one little entry? He wanted at least to find out how old she was when she started it. He couldn't imagine any harm in learning that much information.
7th, April 1971
Sev and I were at the park today, but Petty didn't come with us. She calls me disgusting because I like spending time with him. Sure, he is poor, but we aren't exactly rolling in the money here either, other wise we wouldn't be living in Spinner's End. Mrs. Snape is nice, for certain, and so is Mr. Snape, but I feel like they don't really approve of my friendship with Sev. Sev says not to worry, though, because in September we will go to Hogwarts and both of us is sorted into Slytherin and we never have to be apart. I love him. He says it isn't possible, because you know, we are only kids, but he is so nice to me! I am certain it is love.
23rd, July 1971
It was so hot today! Sev and I went down to the pond down in that secluded part of the park where we normally goof off with magic and stuff. Well we both went swimming, though neither of us had our swim suits. I am sure Mum wouldn't have been happy, but Sev kept his back turned until I got into the water and it isn't as if we were being gross or anything. Just swimming. Sev really is the best friend I have.
31st, August 1971
Ok, tomorrow I leave! I am so excited. More excited than when Dumbledore told my parents, who were so relieved that it was normal. I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight! Sev said he would save me a place with him on the train and I can't believe that I am finally going. After all these years of talking about Hogwarts with Sev, it is finally happening! I hope I get through the barrier ok! Yes!
1st, September 1971
I have just met the most arrogant, pompous jerk in the world! He and his little gang of idiots have trodden on my new shoes already and that JERK tripped me as I was going up the steps to the train in front of everyone! I can't believe they let Neanderthals like Serious Black (what kind of name is that anyways??) and James Potter (prat… foul mouth heathen) walk this Earth!! Sev says not to worry. In a few hours, we will be at the school, we will be Slytherins, and we won't have to worry about people like James (who is certain to be a lousy Gryffindor, so says Sev).
3rd, September 1971
I haven't stopped crying since the sorting. I mean, I didn't cry at first, I stayed strong because Sev smiled and gave me the `it'll be ok' signal, but the minute I was out of that Great Hall, I found the first bathroom I could and I cried! Hard! Like I haven't cried in forever. I am, oh it hurts to write it, a Gryffindor! What a cruel fate. I begged that stupid hat, but he said he knew best! Have you ever heard of such nonsense?? That stupid git James is in my house same with that Black kid and his names is spelled stupidly, Sirius. What a load of crock! Sev says we can still be friends, we can be the exception. I hope he is right.
James frowned. He didn't know what he expected, but just in those first few entries he had learned more than he had ever wanted to know about Lily's friendship with Severus Snape. She had apparently grown up with him; they had been friends before school. James hadn't known that. He thought to how Severus and Lily were toward each other now. James randomly flipped ahead to the middle.
30th, January 1974
Happy flippin' birthday to me. Grr! Only Sev remembered, naturally. Even Alice forgot, though she promised she would never do it again (after last year). Sometimes you can't count on friends. Sev and I walked along the snowy lake talking after classes and he kissed me, quite properly. I have to say I wasn't expecting it, and such, but it was rather lovely. He says now that I am 14; he thought he'd like to be the one that gave me that proper first kiss. It was good, yes, and I am happy it was he over say, Potter who asked me three times today to go out with him. He can't act serious for one moment, I swear!
Well, Sev had to head back to his common room. Malfoy doesn't like us hanging out together, but Sev says I am worth any punishment Malfoy might dole out to him. I hope so. Sev asked me not to tell anyone we kissed. Boys and their reputations. Stupid boys.
James hadn't known her birthday was in January. He would have to remember it this year. It just went to show you that every day you learned something new. He hated the thought that Severus had been Lily's first real kiss. It angered him, though it was years before. He couldn't help but wonder how many times Severus kissed her since that first time, and how many times had Lily initiated the kiss. It made his blood boil just slightly. James flipped ahead looking for another date a few months after that day. He remembered his own fourteenth birthday and he wondered what her take was on it. He found the entry and began to read.
27th, March 1974
It's HIS birthday today, and you would think he was the queen of England or something they way they all go on about it. Cake, balloons, and such. I know it is just jealousy, but I can't STAND HIM!! He thinks he is so perfect and he can't even manage to comb his freakin' hair or anything. He makes decent grades (he was bragging again). Sure he can fly and sure all of the girls are just Gaga over him, but not me! No way! Never going to happen! He still asks me out like some crazy person. Either he thinks it is funny or he is just a sad state of mind. I think it is the former. It doesn't faze him when I say no. He is up to five times a day! You would think he would get the hint.
Sev and I are having a rough patch. Malfoy really disapproves of the amount of time we are spending together, and doesn't even know about half of it. I asked Sev about sex, which normally I wouldn't but I trust Sev with my life. Sev says he's done it and he asked me if I have. Of course the answer is no. I ask him, sweetly if he would be my first, I could leave this hell party now, but Sev said no. He says maybe when I am older. What a git! He's my age! Oh well, he says we can talk about it next school year, if I am still interested. Pansy.
James groaned. He didn't even want to think about what the hell Lily was thinking wanting to be with Severus Snape in any fashion much less THAT way. James flipped ahead, dreading what the next entry would. He knew he should stop reading now, before he read something that he couldn't live with. James couldn't put the book away, and he couldn't put it down. This was a side of Lily that he had never seen before. On the outside, she was this sweet, innocent, yet bossy girl. He would have never guessed at the tender age of fourteen she was out snogging and thinking about sex. James randomly flipped ahead and read the entry.
2nd, February 1975
Sev finally agreed that there was no reason for him not to be my first. Tonight, we will meet in the Astronomy tower and head down to the Room of Requirement. He says he will handle everything.
"That can't be it!" James shouted aloud. The next page three pages were torn from the diary. The next entry was nearly a month later. James yanked open her bag, knowing full well the three missing pages wouldn't be there. He read the next entry (minus of course the three pages that were missing).
27th, March 1975
It is Potter's birthday again, and again everyone is hanging around him. He is as insufferable as ever, but there is nothing I can do about it. He is up to twelve times a day, you would think he would get tired of our little cat and mouse game. Apparently not. Exams won't be long now. Sigh. I haven't decided what I want to do yet. I am thinking Auror, but I got wind that Potter wants to be and Auror, and the thought of more time with Potter is just unbearable. I guess I will do that Muggle-Wizard Liaison. No one ever wants to do that, and being Muggle born does put me at an advantage. Alice agrees. She says she is worried about me, but she need not be. I am fine. Really.
30th, June 1975
Summer at last. Finally a break from everything. I am going to great Aunt Jennie's house for the summer. I just need a break. There are just too many unanswered questions, really. Sev tried to apologize, but I told him I didn't want to hear it. What was done is done.
James pondered her last line. He didn't want to make assumptions, but he wondered what Lily had meant by it. Had they? He couldn't well ask her, and he certainly wasn't friendly enough with anyone who would know. Severus was his nemeses. James would never ask him, never in a million years would he dare. He desired to know, but he couldn't bring himself to stoop to sneaking information on her, of course, he was reading her diary, but she would never know about that. Had Lily and Snape slept together? He felt sick to his stomach, so he flipped through to the last couple of entries in the book, just to see where she left off when it came to her writing.
1st, October 1977
What have I done? I hurt him, and this was supposed to be my year! I don't know what changed, except of course Mum and Dad's passing. That was hard, and with, what did Petty call them, `my type' swarming, I know I have finally lost all connection with my sister. Mum had always loved me better and Dad always loved me more. I wondered if Sev had anything to do with their passing. He had asked me to meet him specifically at the date and time Mum and Dad were attacked, and then he didn't show up. He swears he had no idea, but with the stuff he is into now, I am terrified. We don't speak any longer. He has become cold and cruel to me. He has finally joined Malfoy.
Ah, back to HIM. I can't stand the thought that my heart flutters when we are together, when we touch, I just can accept the thought that I might actually have fallen for him to spite myself. I never realized how strong he could be, nor did I even know that he was as smart as he was. I have listened to him talk with his friends when he thought no one was listening, and granted they are the goofiest bunch and they get into their share of trouble, I think I might be… no I just can't say it. I am falling for him! Oh, what a travesty! What would Alice say if she knew about this?? I just couldn't stand the look on her smug face.
Oh, and I wanted him to kiss me so badly that morning. We were so close and I was so tempted to complete the distance between us. I thought that he was going to, I really did. His eyes were closed and everything. Of course, since I had thrown up, I wouldn't have wanted to kiss me either, but there is something there, I can feel it.
Then I went and broke his nose! Stupid Girl! What a bloody grand way to say I love you than to break someone's nose. I don't know how I am ever going to get past that. I have never seen so much blood before, and now I remember why I hate flying! The injuries that occur when I am around a broom. Damn, stupid girl!
"What are you reading?" A voice pulled him from his thoughts. James looked up to see Lily standing in his bedroom. James' heart crashed into the pit of his stomach and he never wanted to hide more than he did right then. From the lighting of the room and the angle of her view, he knew he couldn't lie.
"Um," James said as he held out the book to Lily. She walked over slowly; her face went from rather sweet and playful to stony cold. She didn't take the book at once, instead she stared at it. Her eyes left the book and looked at him.
"You read my diary?" Lily asked slowly as James locked the book closed. He still held it out to her.
"Not all of it," James admitted. He hoped that girls thought that honesty was the best policy. She didn't respond immediately, nor did she take the book. She stood over him. He could feel the tension building in the room, like a storm.
"But enough of it?" Lily asked tersely as she crossed her arms. James nodded, still looking at her from where he was laying on bed. She was close to his feet; her thighs brushed his shoes as she finally reached for her stuff.
"Yes," James said as he watched her refasten her straps on her bag. She turned to leave. "Wait, Lily, your diary!"
"Keep it, Potter," Lily said dully as she shook her head in disgusted. "Apparently my privacy doesn't mean anything to you."
"Lily wait!" James called as he climbed off his bed, but Lily didn't wait. She headed down the stairs from the boys' dorm and up the stairs to the girls' dorm. Once inside, she threw herself across her bed and had herself a good, shame-filled cry.
James looked at her disappearance helplessly. He needed someone to tell him what to do. Seeing Sirius and Alice now in the common room, locked in an embrace, James sprinted down the steps two at a time. He jabbed Sirius rather roughly in the shoulder.
"I need to talk to you, now," James said as Sirius glared up at him.
"Can't it wait?" Sirius asked, nodding toward an expectantly looking Alice. James shook his head. "Is it something Peter and Remus can help you with?"
"I doubt it. I really fucked up royal," James said as he held out the book to Sirius. Alice's eyes went to the book and her mouth dropped.
"Please, please, please tell me that isn't Lily's," Alice begged as she pulled herself free of Sirius. She smoothed her now rumpled skirt with her palms.
"Yeah, because I am so going to run abound with a girl's diary to pour my heart out into," James said as he roughly shoved his hand through his hair. "She caught me reading it in the dorm."
"You read it!" Alice exclaimed as she looked at him with horror. "That is personal!"
"Don't you think I know that?" James shouted at her. Sirius shot him a warning look.
"C'mon, let her cool off and for God's sake, don't read any more, ok?" Sirius said as he guided James back up to their dorm. "See you at dinner, Alice," Sirius shouted over his shoulder at her as he pushed his best friend up the stairs and into the dorm.
"What am I going to do?" James moaned as he tossed the book on his bed. Sirius crossed the room and picked up the book.
"Does she say anything about me?" Sirius asked playfully as he flipped through the pages. James went to snatch the book away from him.
"How could you?" Lily demanded. She was standing with Alice in the door way, Remus and Peter standing behind them. "You were going to let him read it? I am just some joke to you, some form of sick entertainment?"
"No, Lily, I swear," James started. He turned back and snatched the book away from Sirius. "Look, take it. I just read the first few entries… and like one or two in the middle, that is all. I didn't mean to…"
"What, get caught?" Lily yelled. She was crying. "All I want is my damn duck, and then you can have a right ol' laugh with your mates at my expense."
"We don't want to laugh at you," James defended helplessly.
"The duck Potter!" Lily screamed at him. "My daddy gave me that duck and I want it back now!"
"What duck?" James asked. His mind reeled over to the tiny duck that was in his pocket. He nodded and reached into his pocket. "This duck, right?"
"I hate you, James Potter," Lily spat snatching the duck from his out stretched hand. "I hope you had a great time making me think… making me believe that I… oh, you are such a prat! The great Marauders finally got Lily Evans to crack. Take your bow, you won."
With that, Lily turned and left, brushing roughly past Alice, Remus, and Peter. Peter remained quiet as Remus and Alice entered the dorm room. Sirius was standing slack jawed, never having seen such a dramatic outburst from Lily before. Sure they had all seen her annoyed before, and on a sporadic occasion, angry, but today's out burst was much more than anger. Lily was hurt. She felt betrayed, and each tear she shed, each anger filled word she threw was a testament to the hurt James Potter had inflicted upon her.
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