Chapter Seven - A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Healer's
"Are you certain?"
Shaking her head in exasperation, Hermione gave her mother `the look' that usually sent lesser mortals running in fear for their very lives. While professing to not know a thing about what Ron and Harry had always called `The Death Stare', it was something she had carefully cultivated over the years. Unfortunately a combination of genetics and the fact that Helen Granger had not only given birth to her but had changed her nappies and watched her grow up from precocious toddler to young womanhood had granted her a galling immunity to Hermione's usual weapon of choice.
"Mum, I'm certain Harry and I are getting married. Other than that, this whole thing is very wooly and not coming together at all. When I throw out the best idea that the two of us have come up with to date, I'm looking for a bit of discussion on it, not a question that indicates you think I've taken leave of my senses."
"The entire attempt to plan the `Wedding of the Century' in secret so that no one knows it's going to occur until less than an hour before is just a recipe for disaster." Smiling affectionately at her daughter, Helen chuckled. "And I can't believe that the best idea the pair of you have come up with is Midsummer's at Karnak." Shaking her head, Helen chuckled. "Was Trafalgar booked for the next bank holiday?"
"Be serious Mum. We thought that midnight down at Carnac might be a bit romantic, and there shouldn't be any tourists there. Harry doesn't want to wait very long; he's worried I'll look `less than bridal' if we go much past the end of June." Seeing the skeptical look on her mother's face, Hermione shrugged. "He's got this notion that I should have a big wedding with a formal gown and everything because of those stories Daddy told him about when I was a little girl. He's afraid I'll feel cheated out of my big day."
"Hermione Jane, if you ever let that boy go, I'm personally going to drag you back here to St. Mungo's and have you committed. While that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard, did you explain to him that was when you were four? And that you wrote an essay when Miss Kelson got married entitled `Weddings, the Perpetual Fraud' while you were in primary school?" Chuckling, Helen remembered a very interesting parent teacher conference with Hermione's teacher and the Headmistress after Hermione had lost all semblance of patience with the fact that the three months before the her teacher's wedding had seen innumerable hours of classroom time devoted to the intricacies of wedding planning.
"Well, no. He's so excited about this, and Petunia gets all misty every time she sees me, I haven't the heart to tell either of them." Blushing, Hermione shook her head in exasperation. "But we need to think of something quickly or it's not going to matter, other than seeing if the Germans want to rent out one of those old Zeppelin hangers down in Frankfurt."
Chuckling, Helen nodded to one of the green robed healers who passed them in the hall as they made their way to Hermione's appointment. "I sincerely doubt it will be that bad, Mi. Even after I started to show with you, I never approached the stage where your father was tempted to hire a cart to haul me around. And that was with cravings for every sweet and pastry I could find."
"Mum, can I ask you a question?" Looking unusually hesitant, Hermione began to blush as she looked around to see if anyone was paying them any attention.
"Mi, you know you can talk to us about anything. I realize that your father and I have a tendency to tease you and Harry unmercifully at times." Nodding at the look on her daughter's face as they entered into the waiting area, Helen tried to keep from smiling too much. "But you've always known you could talk to us about anything." Chuckling, Helen shook her head. "Though it did take your poor father almost six months to recover from the fact you initiated `The Talk' right after your eighth birthday."
Looking around in a panic, Hermione nodded hurriedly to the mediwitch sitting at the desk as she grabbed her mother's arm and steered her towards a remote corner of the empty waiting area. "Well, yes. About that." Seeing the skeptical look on Helen's face, she blushed again. "One thing it didn't occur to me to ask then, or since for that matter, was about things going on during pregnancy." Looking thoroughly embarrassed she added in a whisper, "Or not going on."
"Mi, are you telling me that things have come to a halt there at Grimmauld Place?" Shaking her head at the blush on Hermione's cheeks, Helen tried very valiantly not to laugh at her daughter's discomfort.
"No, but Harry keeps asking if it's all right, if he's hurting me or the baby." Looking up at her mother, she shrugged. "Frankly it's starting to drive me mental. I wish he'd just trust me to tell him and just do what he does..." Trailing off in embarrassment, Hermione looked away.
"Mi, just talk to him about it." As her daughter looked up at her, she added. "Outside the bedroom. The physical part of your relationship is very new to both of you, and you won't be pregnant forever." Smirking, Helen couldn't help adding, "That is, if you can remember to use the charms or potions once your son is born."
Shaking her head, Hermione glared at the mother. "Pot? Kettle?" Looking over to where the mediwitch was trying discretely to get her attention, she sighed. "It looks as if it's time for me to head in to see Padma. Are you certain you'll be fine out here?"
Walking with her daughter over to the desk where the mediwitch was located, Helen nodded. "I'll be just fine out here." Looking down at one of the end tables, she smirked as she picked up the latest copy of `Witch Weekly' that had been released before the news of Harry and Hermione's engagement had been made public. Tapping a finger on the headline `Five Foolproof Ways to be Noticed by Harry Potter' she shrugged. "It should be entertaining, if nothing else."
Twenty minutes later, Helen was chuckling over Pansy Parkinson's assertions regarding the best way to garner the attention of the `Wizard Who Won', citing her `personal' experiences and observations while at Hogwarts. Shaking her head over the author's carefully crafted innuendos that, probably, just skirted the border of actionable, she was interrupted by an inelegant snort.
"As if Harry would have given that pug the time of day, much less anything else."
Looking up, Helen smiled at the blonde witch standing nearby in midnight blue robes. Looking vaguely familiar, the name came to her as she remembered her daughter's amused reaction after the last Ministry Christmas party. "Hello, Lavender. It's been quite a while."
Nodding nervously, Lavender Brown looked a bit perplexed. "Mrs. Granger, I'm surprised to see you here. Do you have an appointment with Padma?" As Helen began to shake her head, Lavender's eyes began to widen.
"It's Helen, dear. And I was out looking at fabric with Hermione, so I tagged along to wait on her while she was in with Padma for her appointment." Smiling kindly at the look of consternation on the younger woman's face, Helen tried to appear reassuring. "I'm certain Hermione will be very happy to see you when she comes out."
Shaking her head, Lavender rolled her eyes. "I'm so going to kill Chastity if I survive this." Seeing the perplexed look on Helen's face, she smiled ruefully. "Chastity `scheduled' my appointments so that I would follow Hermione's." Sighing, she closed her eyes. "Time to pay the piper, I suppose."
Chuckling, Helen nodded. "Would it help if I opined that Hermione isn't mad at you, that she never really was?" Seeing Lavender's eyes pop open, her next remark was cut off by the inner office door opening and Padma entering the waiting area with Hermione in tow.
"Helen, I have to run these samples down the hall, why don't you join me, I can introduce you to that tooth healer that Chastity said you were interested in meeting." Smiling impishly, Padma nodded to Lavender as she headed towards the door. "Lav, I'll be back in a few. As soon as I finish up with Hermione here, we can get started with your workup."
Pausing in the doorway as Helen joined her, Padma smiled at her two friends standing there awkwardly looking at each other. Shaking her head, she nodded to Helen before she turned back to them. "For Merlin's sake, I'm the one who kissed him. Why don't the two of you plot some horrible revenge on me while I'm gone and then prank me horribly when we get back."
Both Hermione and Lavender stared at each other in disbelief as Helen and Padma left the waiting room, laughing merrily. Watching each other warily, Lavender nervously twirled her curls around her finger while Hermione bit her lower lip. Finally, shaking her head, Lavender smiled guiltily and nodded. "I was totally out of line that night, but I was very frustrated with my personal situation, a bit tight on that eggnog, and totally annoyed with you."
Looking curious, Hermione indicated a pair of chairs near the front of the waiting area. As they sat, she smiled. "Annoyed at me? What did I do?" Shaking her head, she laughed. "Or do I want to know?"
"Truth be told, you were talking to Minerva and you'd just done your `Harry's a big boy and free to see whomever he wants' line for the thousandth time so I wanted to see if it was really true." Blushing, Lavender closed her eyes. "I know it was childish, but here you had a wizard who worshiped the ground you walked on and I couldn't even get mine on the same side of the Atlantic for more than a weekend a month…" Trailing off, Lavender looked up to see Hermione smiling sadly at her.
"How is Harland?" Seeing the shocked look on Lavender's face, Hermione shrugged. "Chastity calls it SNN, the Sprog News Network." Smiling, Hermione nodded as Lavender's face went from shocked to amazed to a Weasley class blush. "Honestly, think about it. Crystal, Teddy, and Victoire are as thick as thieves. Give the Dursely twins another couple of years and there won't be a secret in wizarding Britain."
"He's fine. A bit shell-shocked, but fine." Seeing the raised eyebrow from Hermione, Lavender acknowledged the unasked question with a nod. "Let's just say I didn't just drop by to catch up with Padma. Since I haven't told my in-house correspondent yet, we've decided that careers are way over rated, so we're going to get married before the end of the summer."
Nodding thoughtfully, Hermione smiled as her mind raced. "Here or in Canada?"
"The wedding or afterwards?" Seeing the look on her old roommate's face, she nodded. "Technically neither for the wedding. For afterwards, we're going to try to stay here. He's got three months vacation accrued, so he's going to take it and told his boss they needed to work something out by the time he got back or he wouldn't."
Chuckling, Hermione nodded thoughtfully. "I think I like him already. Is he thinking Embassy work?"
"If not that, then I'm going to scout around and see if I can get someone in our Ministry to hire him. Rumor has it that I might have some friends around this place that would be willing to help out, if for no other reason than to see me safely married and leaving the reportedly available wizards alone."
"Thank you." Hermione sat there quietly, looking at her hands folded in her lap.
"For?" Smiling, Lavender chuckled at the look on her old friend's face.
"When I saw that ridiculous mistletoe attached to Harry's belt buckle, the first thought I had was `No one's going to kiss my Harry under the mistletoe but me.'." Blushing furiously, she looked up to see the knowing smile on Lavender's face. "Once I got over that mental bludger, you announced that Harry would have to be properly kissed to make it go away. I was just ready to step up when Luna kissed him on the cheek. When nothing happened, I was going to say something when Padma stepped in and kissed him `properly'."
"Padma was shocked, as soon as she finished, he turns to you and asks you to dance." Shaking her head, Lavender chuckled. "What she didn't see, was as soon as his hand touched yours, the mistletoe disappeared like the morning dew."
"I did." Quietly, Hermione nodded and smiled. "And that's when I realized that we'd been lying to each other and everyone else for years now."
"Do tell. So why wait until recently to do anything about it?" Intrigued, Lavender turned in her chair and tucked one leg up under her as she smiled.
"It was awkward. For the first time since we were eleven, it was awkward being around Harry." Shaking her head, she blushed as Lavender chuckled. "I honestly couldn't see how I could start the conversation, we'd both done the `we're just friends' speech so many times, we probably could start in our sleep." Taking a deep breath, Hermione smiled sheepishly. "I was running out of ideas, I was almost to the point of asking my mother for help when I had lunch with Ginny a few weeks ago after she got back from Canada. Ginny started doing her `I'm worried about Harry' routine, and I knew that something was up, and that I had the perfect way to broach the subject."
"If you couldn't ask the question, you could let Ginny do it by proxy." Smiling knowingly, Lavender nodded. "I hear that you threatened him with an out of control, sexually frustrated Lavender Brown with Molly as matchmaker."
"It wasn't exactly like that." Looking away, Hermione blushed a bit as Lavender waited patiently. "It was more that Harry's still a bit leery of you from our days in school. He still has vivid memories of Lav-lav and Won-won."
"Ouch. I suppose that wasn't one of my better moments." Looking up at Hermione, Lavender blushed. "I don't think we ever really talked about that, did we?"
Chuckling, Hermione shook her head. "I don't suppose we ever did. Truth be told, I'm not certain whether or not I was mad or just embarrassed about the entire thing. I should have realized something was wrong when I was more upset about Harry snogging Ginny than I was about you and Ron exchanging tonsils on an hourly basis."
"Hey, we weren't quite that bad." Sitting there under Hermione's unwavering stare, Lavender blushed. "Well, maybe we were, but it was a crazy time." Shaking her head, Lavender nodded towards her old dormmate. "Trust me enough to invite me to your wedding?"
Laughing, Hermione nodded her head. "I would be honored if you'd come, and bring the mysterious Harland if he's around." Looking thoughtful, Hermione leaned forward. "You said `technically' not in England or Canada for the wedding?"
"We decided to go back to the scene of the crime, so to speak." Seeing the look on Hermione's face, Lavender chuckled. "We met on Vannin; I was doing a research project for my graduate studies in divination. I was talking with one of the ghosts at Peel Castle when this idiot tourist starts getting himself mugged by some Death Eater wannabe. I went to his aid, and some git with a camera comes up and starts interfering. I told him to back off, I had everything under control and I sent a patronus to the local guarda station for someone to take the mugger off my hands."
"And?" Thoroughly amused, Hermione leaned back in her chair as Lavender warmed to her story.
"The git pulls out some sort of strange credentials and starts acting as if he's an auror." Shaking her head, Lavender chuckled. "I promptly informed him that Dumbledore's Army outranked any sketchy bunch of outsiders. Old Quirk shows up about then and this bloke starts ranting how some `schoolgirl chit of a civilian' was interfering with him performing his official duties."
"Really now?" Arching her eyebrow, Hermione nodded thoughtfully. "I'm very surprised he survived long enough for anything to develop between the two of you. Or was this a hospital recovery romance?"
Seeing the dreamy look in Lavender's eyes, Hermione chuckled. "Forget I mentioned that. Though I will make a note you seem to have a soft spot for those ghastly hospital gowns they make you wear."
"It turns out that the Canadians had been tracking this idiot for about six months, and when he went overseas, one of their aurors followed along. He finally sees something that he can arrest the guy for, and I step in and bounce the Death Eater off one of the castle walls and have him trussed up like a Christmas haggis before you can say `probable cause'." Chuckling at the memory, Lavender smiled as she remembered the Canadian auror's annoyance when his operation disappeared in front of his eyes. "Things got even better when Quirk played the sovereignty card and pointed out that the Canadians had never notified the local government about his arrival. When Harland mentioned that they had notified London, I thought Quirk was going to never stop laughing."
Seeing the confused look on Hermione's face, Lavender smirked. "Local politics. On the muggle side of things, The Isle of Mann is a self governing Crown dependency, which means they look to the Queen as sovereign, she's the Lord of Mann, but they aren't part of the United Kingdom. On the wizarding side, it seems that no one consulted Douglas when the Ministry was formed, so they have an official point of contact for magical matters, but they're very insistent that their local Guarda be notified for things like this. All in all, it was a very bad afternoon for one Harland Mackenzie, Canadian auror."
"You're not serious? You had him arrested?" Shaking, Hermione started laughing at the mental image.
"Detained is more the phrase they use. I `suggested' to Quirk that he detain the irate young man until his situation could be clarified." Smirking, Lavender breathed on her nails and buffed them on her Unspeakable robes.
"And just how did you do that? This was back when you were a poor student studying divination, not an Unspeakable." Looking more than a bit curious, Hermione smiled and wondered what else she had missed, falling out of close contact with Lavender after graduation.
"Ah, but I was a poor divination student who was a member of Dumbledore's Army, a `hero' of the Battle of Hogwarts, and an islander because my mother left Douglas to study at Hogwarts where she married a Scots laddie named Brown. Quirk's youngest daughter was a Puff when my mum was in Ravenclaw and my da was in Gryffindor." Smiling at the slightly shocked look on her friend's face, Lavender nodded. "My mum was a Ravenclaw. Never know it to look at her airhead daughter, I know."
"Air heads aren't selected as Unspeakables, Lav." Shaking her head, Hermione suddenly looked a bit serious. "Why?"
"The act?" Sitting and looking serious for a second, Lavender looked around the room. Seeing that they were alone, she made a curious gesture with her off hand that Hermione recognized as the wand movement for a very advanced spell that revealed listening and other spells. Nodding at Lavender, Hermione smiled as the blonde witch blushed faintly.
"Rumor has it you would know that one. Anyway, part of it is that I really don't like being serious if I really don't have to be. I'm damned good at my job, and all of the Unspeakables are a bit unstable, Parv and I are just a bit more flamboyant about it than most." Smiling wickedly, she leaned back in the chair and preened, fluffing her blonde curls in a manner reminiscent of a muggle model. "Besides, if people aren't inclined to take me seriously, then it's just that much sweeter when I bust their illusions along with their arse when it comes time to take them down."
"You're a wicked, wicked witch." Nodding conspiratorially, Hermione chuckled. "How long did you let Auror Mackenzie cool his heels in durance vile?"
"It took me about an hour to process the nimrod I'd taken down and check Harland's bona fides with the Canadian liaison in Edinburgh. Once I was certain he was who he said he was, I trotted myself down to the lockup and sprung him just in time for dinner." Seeing the shocked look on Hermione's face, she nodded. "And the rest, as they say, is history."
Before Hermione could respond, both witches were interrupted by the sound of a throat clearing from the door into the hallway. Looking up, they could see Padma, smirking and leaning against the open door frame.
"Everything satisfactory ladies?" Chuckling at the two witches, Padma Patil shook her head and brushed a wrinkle from her green healer's robes. "Hermione, I left Helen down in Prudence's office, talking with her and Chastity."
Looking at Lavender, Hermione winked and shook her head. "I don't think satisfactory is the word. She did steal a kiss from Harry."
"A kiss, that if anyone should have gotten that night, it should have been me." Shaking her head, Lavender nodded slightly. "One"
"What are you two mental witches planning?" Starting to look worried, Padma stood up and watched both the former Gryffindors with a look of concern.
"Two" Hermione smiled broadly, looked at Padma and smirked.
"I can't believe you're both still angry."
"Oh, we're not angry." Waiting for Padma to relax a bit, Lavender smiled and said "Three."
On three, both of the witches cast the same wandless spell. "Avis" rang out in the waiting room in unison, though Hermione's version was followed by `corvus' while Lavender finished her spell with `falco'.
A trio of merlin hawks streamed towards Padma, as a pair of ravens to rival the ones in residence at the Tower of London, but very airworthy, took up the chase. The dark-haired healer took one look at the winged avengers and bolted up the hallway, yelling for assistance and rescue.
Looking at Lavender with a raised eyebrow, Hermione snickered. "Raptors?"
"Merlins." Shrugging, Lavender giggled mischievously. "Ravens?"
"Symbolism. Huginn and Muninn represent `thought' and `memory'. Maybe next time she'll remember to think before poaching a kiss."
Standing, Hermione reached out a hand and helped Lavender from her chair. "Now, everything is satisfactory. What say we retire to the Cauldron and have a couple of mugs of pumpkin juice?" Listening to the cries of distress and chaos from the hallway, Hermione smiled. "My treat."
Linking her arm through Hermione's, Lavender nodded enthusiastically. "While mine won't actually hurt her, I do think my appointment for today is finished." As the two witches walked into Padma's office to use her floo, Lavender chuckled. "What about Helen?"
"I'll send her a patronus from the bar; she has floo powder in her purse so she can meet us. And I insist on buying because you're solved a major problem regarding the wedding."
"Do tell?" Blowing on her nails again and buffing them cheekily on her robes, she smiled as Hermione threw floo powder into the office floo. "And just how did I manage to do that?"
Calling out "the Leaky Cauldron" in a clear voice, Hermione waited until the green flames resolved into a portal to bar. "Easy, we're going to do that same thing you and Horace are going to do."
"You're getting married at Peel Castle?" Shaking her head, Lavender shrugged as they stepped into the flames."
As they arrived in the common room of the Cauldron, both regain their balance as they made their way to the bar. Shaking her head, Hermione smiled mysteriously and placed a couple of coins on the bar, nodding to Hannah Longbottom and holding up two fingers. "No, we're going to back to the beginning, just like you and Harland."
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