More important things
Chapter 3: The Object of His Affection
"What would you have me do Luna, she made her choice, she's with Ron."
"She didn't choose Ron, in order to make a choice one has to know they have more than one option. You've never told Hermione how you feel so she's never been able to consider you as an option. She's with Ron because you insist upon being self-sacrificing."
Harry frowned at Luna's assessment of his behavior. "What's to say that she would even want me if she knew how I felt? There's nothing to say that things would be any different."
Luna shrugged, "There's nothing to say it'd be the same either."
In the month and a half since Ron's birthday Harry had replayed his conversation with Luna concerning his feelings for Hermione in his head countless times. Luna had been adamant in her belief that Harry stood as much chance as Ron had in winning Hermione's heart had he been brave enough to voice his feelings. Luna was even more resolute in her belief that were he to confess the nature of his feelings to Hermione now, even though she was with Ron that he stood a fair likelihood of getting the one thing he desired most, the chance to be with Hermione. When Harry had questioned her on how she had come to that particular conclusion Luna had told him that the whole of his and Hermione's relationship; the way she had always supported and advanced him was a clear indication that what she felt for him was more than friendship. She further informed him that it was her experience that females seldom responded quite so passionately to kisses with members of the opposite sex with whom they were not fond. Harry imagined that Luna had been smiling when she'd penned those words. Looking down at the roll of parchment which bore Luna's dainty handwriting Harry's attention was caught by the one question of Luna's that he had neglected to answer in the volley of letters they had written to each other over the past few weeks. Harry had yet to respond to Luna's query of: Why did you step aside for Ron? Harry translated this question into Luna asking him why he had been such a coward about the whole thing. He didn't like to think of himself as a coward as that was the one thing he despised more than anything else in the world. He felt this way mainly because that was what Voldemort had been - a coward.
Tom Riddle had been a weak and fearful excuse for a human being who unable to deal with the realities of the world had set out to make the world conform to his ideals thus creating a place where he and he alone could be content. And though this was cowardice in the extreme Harry had to acknowledge the fact that he too was guilty of the same type of cowardice albeit in a somewhat different form.
Due to a conjunction of unlucky events and horribly bad genetics Tom Riddle had never truly known or felt love as a result he had underestimated the power of the emotion at every turn. Harry on the other hand, had known love, though he was too young at the time to remember it. He knew deep inside himself what it was to be cherished and accepted, to be cared for, to belong; he had had that with his parents and though he could not recall any of it he knew it to be true in his heart and in his soul. His years with the Dursleys hadn't rent the knowledge from him despite how hard they had tried to do so. He had spent those years with his relatives knowing that something was missing but never quite figuring out what it was. It was only with the arrival of Hagrid and his reintroduction into the wizarding world that he began to understand what had been missing, what he had been searching for; that sense of belonging, the feeling of being accepted. It was Ron who had given that feeling back to him.
Ron had been the first person to brave the myth of the Boy - Who - Lived in order to get to know a skinny, knobby-kneed, little orphan in too large clothes and patched glasses named Harry. In spite of the fame and celebrity that had surrounded him Ron had befriended him and in doing so had given Harry back a portion of the life that had been lost to him when Voldemort killed his parents all those years before. Ron's friendship had given Harry a pseudo home complete with loving parents and a load of boisterous siblings. Ron's friendship had provided Harry with a place where he was always welcome and more importantly a place where he felt wanted. It was this sense of familial bliss, the warm feeling that came from being loved, that Harry had been missing and it was through Ron that he had regained this fundamental piece of his core which had, ultimately, enabled him to defeat Voldemort. This was also the reason behind his newfound cowardice.
The moment that his lips had touched Hermione's Harry had felt the whole of his world shift. It was as if his eyes had opened for the first time. Every moment of the previous six years with Hermione played out before him and he recognized for the first time how deeply devoted to him Hermione had always been and suddenly, he realized that what he was fighting for wasn't only the nameless faceless masses of the wizarding and muggle worlds, it wasn't only the memory of his parents and Sirius, it was all that and something infinitely more precious. What he was really fighting for was the woman he was holding in his arms, the woman who had sent her parents off without even a memory of her to their credit, the woman who had walked away from everyone and everything that was and had ever been important to her to be there for him… he was fighting for Hermione, he was fighting so that the world would be safe for her. He realized that he would gladly give up his own life for her without one moment's hesitation. In the instant that his lips had touched Hermione's, Harry's world had condensed itself to its very essence and he'd found that the essence of his world was in fact Hermione.
Yes he had known that he loved Hermione the moment their lips met but when the kiss abruptly ended instead of going after her and professing his feelings for her he was reminded of the task before him. Voldemort had to be destroyed if for no other reason than to protect her. Weighing his options he told himself that if he survived the ordeal with Voldemort there would be time enough after everything was done to tell her how he truly felt. He had barely formed the idea before he'd seen and followed the silver doe to the lake where Ron rescued him. It was during their destruction of the horcrux contained within the locket that Harry saw Ron's fears of inadequacy played out before him. Seeing Ron's worst fears brought back to mind the days immediately following his departure and how inconsolable Hermione had been. He also remembered the anxious manner in which she had retreated from him following their kiss, finally he though of how kind the Weasleys had been to him and how much he was indebted to them all for the care and love they had given him. Taking all of those things into consideration along with the fact that Ron had just saved his life Harry kept his feelings to himself and after seeing the extremely intense reaction to Ron's coming back he had as Luna so aptly put it stepped aside to allow his best friends to pursue whatever course they chose.
It was only now; having had a year to consider it that Harry could see the flaw in his thinking. At the time that he had made his decision he had been, as he often did, thinking of what was best for everyone save himself. He was as Luna was fond of telling him, entirely too selfless. Though she believed that this tendency of his was somehow woven into the very fabric of his being and thus was not something he could prevent himself from doing. She also owned to the fact that the behavior did come in handy when one was dealing with insane dark wizards who needed getting rid of. It was now fairly clear to Harry that he had done exactly what Luna had accused him of doing; he had taken Hermione's choice away. By not telling her how he felt he had not only deprived himself of potential happiness but he had quite possibly deprived Hermione of it as well.
Looking back on the whole of their relationship he could see where the line between friendship and something more had often been blurred. And when he looked back on their time together during the horcrux hunt after Ron had abandoned them he saw that their time together without Ron had been marked by an awareness and intimacy that should have been awkward but had instead been comfortable and reassuring. Harry grasped the fact that he had always been happiest and most at ease when in Hermione's presence and that while he had been perfectly resigned to forgoing Ron's friendship forever on those occasions when Ron had walked away from the friendship he was never quite himself when at odds with Hermione. Her presence in his life was a necessity that he neither could nor would live without.
Looking up from where his gaze had been fixed on Luna's letter Harry had finally made his decision. Sliding open the drawer of his desk, he hastily deposited his correspondence with Luna back into the drawer from whence it had been retrieved. He then rose from his seat and headed out of the library and up the hall to his bedroom.
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"Hermione… Hermione… Her - mi - o - ne…"
Hermione forced out a slow deep breath and tried exceedingly hard not to show how annoyed she was at the present moment. Composing her face into as neutral an expression as possible she turned to Ron and lowered his left hand which he had been holding in front of her face snapping her fingers successively to get her attention and asked in a clearly annoyed fashion, "Did you want something Ronald?"
A frown creased Ron's brow at the use of his proper name that was a sure sign that Hermione was narked at him for something. He supposed she must be put out about his interrupting her studying - she'd always hated it when someone interrupted her studies - but considering how little they saw of each other he reckoned it wouldn't have killed her to put her work aside long enough to indulge his having ventured over to the castle for a visit. For the millionth time Ron wondered why Hermione always felt the need to be so exacting why couldn't she ever just let go and enjoy the moment. Especially considering that she was one of the privileged few who were allowed guests while at Hogwarts. McGonagall and the school governors had instituted a number of special rules for the students in the seventh year that would have otherwise left school but had returned to complete their studies, one of which was the allowance of family visits. Following the demise of Voldemort and the end of the second war there had been a flood of impromptu weddings and engagements among those lucky enough to have survived the final battle - there had also been quite a few divorces as well. But as there were more than a few married and engaged seventh years in Hogwarts McGonagall had coerced the governors into allowing students in such positions to receive floos and occasional visits from their significant others. As Head Girl and one of the principal heroes of the war Hermione was allowed the privilege of receiving visits from Ron in her private quarters though she and he were neither married nor engaged at the moment.
"Ronald!" The sound of his name being called brought Ron out of his thoughts and back to the present moment. Hermione was staring at him with an expression that was equal parts irritation and exasperation. With a shrug of his shoulders he asked, "What?"
Hermione made no attempt to cover her displeasure, "You turn up unannounced in the middle of my studying snapping your fingers wanting my attention and when you get it you sit there staring into space not saying a word and when I ask what you wanted you ask me what!"
Ron grinned a bit sheepishly as he took a healthy swig of his butterbeer and muttered, "Sorry, mind drifted a bit." Hermione nodded and continued to wait for him to continue on with what he had been saying. When nothing was forthcoming she prodded him a bit, "Well are you going to tell me what it was you were going on about earlier?" Ron jiggled his head up and down as he reiterated his earlier statement, "I said I think that Harry's interested in someone."
Hermione raised an eyebrow as she inquired, "Interested in someone, what gave you that impression? Has he mentioned someone in particular?"
A frown covered Ron's face as he shook his head in reply. "No he didn't mention anyone exactly, it was just something he said a couple of weeks back at my birthday; it go me wondering." Curious as to what Harry could have possibly said, Hermione asked, "What exactly did he say?" Ron's frown deepened as he answered back, "It was actually more of what he didn't say." Hermione looked quizzically at him and Ron endeavored to make a bit more sense.
"We were sitting at the bar having a toast to my birthday and I mentioned that Ginny was on again with Dean but that it didn't look too serious," Ron ignored the stern look that clouded Hermione's face at his allusion to getting his best friend back together with his sister and persisted with his story. "I told him that I knew Ginny still loved him and that I reckoned his feelings for her were along the same lines as hers considering I'd seen him looking over at the table where she'd been sitting most of the night scowling and that's when things went all funny."
Hermione interjected, "Went all funny how?"
"Well Harry told me that Ginny had accepted that they were through and that I should too. Then he said something about everybody not getting their happily ever after and I was about to tell him that his happily ever after was sitting just across the room when I noticed the way he'd said it. There was this kind of longing in his voice that I'd never heard before and it made me think that there was somebody that he fancied, someone that he wanted to be with but couldn't. And I can't for the life of me make sense of the whole bloody thing. I know he was looking over at Ginny's table the night of the party but I've known Harry long enough to know that when he said not everybody gets their happy ever after he wasn't talking about Ginny because if she was his idea of happy ever after he would have never chucked her to begin with would he. Which brings me back to the conclusion that there is someone else that he wants but thinks he can't have which makes less sense than anything because there's scarcely a witch alive who wouldn't give her eye teeth to be on the arm of Harry Potter!"
Hermione looked up and locked eyes with Ron. He was staring at her waiting for an answer to his innumerable questions and half formed theories. She put forward a possible suggestion to his quandary. "Maybe Harry just didn't want to get into another pointless discussion of his and Ginny's past relationship with you. So instead of having you go on and on about it he said the first thing he could think of to shut you up."
At this suggestion Ron leveled a none to amused glare in her direction. Hermione held up her hand, stopping whatever cheeky retort was on the tip of Ron's tongue and offered another possibility. "But as you're convinced that's not the case perhaps you should attempt to recall who else was sitting at or near the table to determine who your mystery witch is, provided she exists at all."
Ron considered this option for a moment, then he held up his hand and began listing off the names of the witches sitting at the table with Ginny during his birthday, "let's see there was Ginny of course, Mum, Fleur, Angelina, Audrey, Verity came and sat for awhile as did Luna, and Susan Bones was there for a bit when Neville was talking to Mum and you were there for most of the night as well…"
As Ron's words washed over her a memory from the not so distant past rose unbidden to the fore of Hermione's mind. The image of two worn, weary and disillusioned young people huddled in the entryway of a tent locked in a heated embrace clouded her vision. In her minds eye she saw Harry leaning towards her and pressing his lips against hers. She saw herself leaning into the kiss and sliding her hands and arms around Harry's neck drawing her body closer to his. She watched as the kiss became more heated and frenzied, as she opened her mouth to him and gripped his body tightly to her own. She recalled the taste of him, the feel of his tongue against her own and the intoxicating sensation of his hands roving across her body unchecked. Ron's voice drifted back into her conscious mind and drew Hermione back to the present moment. Ducking her head to hide the scarlet flush that she knew covered her face Hermione listened as Ron rounded off his thoughts regarding the matter they had been discussing for the past half hour or so.
"And there was Romilda Vane and her crowd, though I reckon they noticed Harry looking over at the table and were just trying to get themselves in his line of vision hoping he'd take notice of them. Come to think of it I imagine every bird in the Three Broomsticks that night walked by, stood around or sat at that table that night, I mean I was there quite a bit and as it was my birthday everyone at the party stopped and had a drink or a word with me. That and what with mostly everybody there being friends and acquaintances and wanting to catch up on each other's news I could be at this all night and still never figure this out!"
By the end of his soliloquy Ron had paced halfway across the small common room of Hermione's private quarters. Turning round he stared at Hermione and asked, "What do you reckon?"
Hermione returned Ron's stare but not a single word passed her lips in reply to the question he had asked her.
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It was nearly nine and having just seen Ron off following their rather disturbing conversation about Harry, Hermione had decided to have an early night of it and was heading off to bed when the dimly lit common room glowed green and the whoosh of the floo sparked into life. Hermione reckoned Ron had forgotten something or other and turning around to inquire what was the matter was shocked to see Harry striding out of the fireplace towards her. From the determined manner in which he strode into the room Hermione knew that something was on his mind. Her thoughts immediately drifted back to earlier in the evening when Ron had been discussing Harry and the unknown witch he fancied. And though she wasn't all together sure that there was a witch she had the sneaking suspicion that she was about to learn something very important concerning her best friend. Clearing her throat slightly she called out to him as he approached her, "Harry what in the name of Merlin are you doing here at this hour, is something wrong, are you all right?"
Harry reached Hermione just as the words had left her mouth but he did not reply to her query immediately, he stood there quietly for several moments before he said in a quiet voice, "I'm sorry for showing up like this without so much as a word but I really needed to talk to you…" He abruptly ended the explanation of his behavior as he drug his fingers maliciously through his hair. See his agitation and sensing Harry was in some advanced level of distress Hermione laid her right hand upon his forearm and placing the left against his cheek directed his gaze to hers and in a tone awash with concern asked "What's happened?"
Harry had planned on explaining to Hermione how his feelings for her were much, much deeper than those of a friend ought to be. He had intended to tell her that he was completely and irrevocably in love with her and that he had been for more than a year now. He had meant to ask her if she did now or had she ever entertained such feelings for him. But the moment she'd placed her hands on him all rational thought fled. All the words he'd been struggling to compose evaporated like drops of water on a warm summer's day at the feel of Hermione's warm delicate hands on his body; heat flared through him and he acted on the one impulse he'd been fighting for months, the need to feel Hermione's lips against his own. In lieu of the explanation he had intended to give Harry pulled Hermione into his arms and lowering his mouth to hers, he kissed her.
Hermione was stunned beyond all belief as Harry drew her into his arms and placed his lips against hers. This kiss was nothing like their previous encounter when Harry's attentions had been tentative and unsure. The faltering hesitancy that had characterized their first kiss was gone, as he drew her to him there was an unassailable air of command in his manner and no sooner than his lips touched hers was he gliding his tongue across her lips in a passion tinged appeal that Hermione's body unconsciously responded to without the slightest apprehension. Before she was consciously aware of what was happening Hermione found herself pressed wantonly against Harry kissing him back with a fierceness that matched his own. Almost as quickly as the kiss began it ended as Hermione realizing what they were doing hastily disengaged herself from Harry's embrace and took two steps backward from where he stood.
Harry's first impulse was to reach out and draw her back into his arms but the mortified look on Hermione's face stopped him from doing so. Instead he sought to say the words he'd intended to say upon first arriving. "Hermione I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that… no I did mean that... I just hadn't meant to do it like that… without your permission and not before I'd told you how I feel about you." Harry paused and taking a deep breath soldiered on to get the words out of his mouth before his courage failed him. "Hermione I love you… I'm in love with you… and I have been for over a year now. I've tried fighting it, Merlin knows I have but it's just too bloody difficult to keep pretending that these feelings don't exist or that they're not driving me mad…"
Hermione raised both her hands into the air and shaking her head cried, "Stop it! Just stop it!"
Harry took a step back startled by the sudden and vehement exclamation.
"You dare to come here and tell me this now! For more than a year you've had these feelings and you wait until now when no good can possibly come of your declaration to tell me how you truly feel!"
"Hermione I know that I should have said something sooner. I should have told you how I felt the first time we kissed but…" Harry's words were cut off by Hermione's sharp intake of breath and the rapid fire sentence that followed.
"The first time we kissed! You've felt this way since we first kissed that night in the tent!"
Harry nodded. "I knew it the moment our lips met."
Hermione fired off another question. "And if you knew that you felt this way then why did it take until now for you to say anything about, why not confess that night?!"
Harry ran his hands through his hair, causing it to stand even more on end than usual, as he responded. "Things were complicated at the time… there was Voldemort to be have done with and I didn't see much point in professing my love for you before all that was done with. And then Ron came back and I thought it best to let the two of you sort things out between you and…" Harry allowed his voice to trail off; at the mention of Ron's name Hermione's face had suddenly blanched.
Shaking her head as if to clear it Hermione turned away and in a somewhat distressed tone said, "You should go now."
Harry raised his voice in protest, "Hermione I…" Hermione interjected without giving him the opportunity to complete his sentence. "Harry please, just go." Unable to deny her anything she asked of him and sorry to have been the source of her present anguish Harry set about abiding by her wishes. He turned to leave but then stopped and turning back around closed the distance separating he and Hermione in a single stride. Laying his hand gently on her shoulder he leaned down and whispered, "I never meant to hurt you I just couldn't stand you not knowing how I felt." He paused and tenderly kissing her temple added, "I'm sorry." Harry then turned and covered the length of the room in four strides. Hermione stood with her back to him listening as muttered the name of his destination and the room once again glowed green. As the whoosh of the floo died away she slumped to the floor and allowed the tears that she had been holding back since she'd stepped out of Harry's arms to flow unchecked down her cheeks.
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