More important things
Chapter 4: The Inconvenience of Withheld Truths
"Hermione I love you… I'm in love with you… and I have been for over a year now."
Hermione shook her head to clear it of her errant thoughts. It had been three weeks since Harry had turned up in her private quarters and told her that he had been in love with her for over a year. Hermione's mind drifted back to that night.
"You dare to come here and tell me this now! For more than a year you've had these feelings and you wait until now when no good can possibly come of your declaration to tell me how you truly feel!"
"Hermione I know that I should have said something sooner. I should have told you how I felt the first time we kissed but…"
"The first time we kissed! You've felt this way since we first kissed that night in the tent!"
Harry nodded. "I knew it the moment our lips met."
Hermione's immediate reaction to Harry's declaration had been anger, anger that she still felt a bit now when she recalled the events of that night. The absolute nerve of him coming to her after so much time had passed saying that he loved her and that the denial of said love was driving him mad. Any madness he was feeling was more than justified in her opinion and she had soundly wished that the madness massed itself into a lump which lodged itself in his throat and bloody well choked him. Yes she had been that angry, but as was usual with Harry, her anger dissipated as quickly as it had come, though the mention of Ron had done a great deal to cool the heat of her rage as well.
"And if you knew that you felt this way then why did it take until now for you to say anything about it, why not confess that night?!"
Harry ran his hands through his hair, causing it to stand even more on end than usual, as he responded. "Things were complicated at the time… there was Voldemort to have done with and I didn't see much point in professing my love for you before all that was done with. And then Ron came back and I thought it best to let the two of you sort things out between you."
It had been at the mention of Ron's name that Hermione had remembered the rather steamy kiss that she and Harry had shared upon his entering her quarters, a kiss that she had been a full and willing participant in. A kiss that had intruded upon her dreams each night since it had occurred, a kiss that left her breathless and trembling, a kiss that should never have taken place. A shudder ran through Hermione's body as her mind summoned the memory of Harry's lips sculpted to hers as his hands caressed and stroked her. Shaking her head to clear it of her forbidden thoughts Hermione sighed. She was not supposed to feel this way, not about Harry, not anymore!
Hermione had always had a soft spot for Harry. How could she not? How could anyone not be enamored with someone who had endured such pain, loss and cruelty who somehow still managed to think of the safety and welfare of others before his own? At the outset she had been like every other young witch and wizard at Hogwarts when she realized that the Harry Potter was in her year; she was intrigued by the legend surrounding the bespectacled young boy with whom she shared a house and classes. Though she could not initially count herself among Harry's friends she had watched as he stood up for and befriended those many with his fame and distinguished name would have shunned. Like all the other witches she became infatuated with the skinny lad with the lovely green eyes and unassuming demeanor. Her infatuation intensified when Harry and Ron came charging into the girl's loo to save her from a marauding mountain troll. From that moment forward they had been friends. The friendship that was formed that day had preserved in the face of the greatest of trials and tribulations. Through petrifaction , jealously and envy - both theirs and that of others, differences of opinion and more life and death experiences than she cared to count she and Harry had been as close as any two people could be.
The question had often been asked whether or not there was more to Hermione's relationship with Harry. Everyone who knew them had at one point thought that the two were item or at least heading in that direction - this number included Hermione's parents, half the teachers at Hogwarts and the majority of the wizarding world. Hermione herself had even thought it possible at one time that she and Harry could have been so much more than friends but the depth and strength of their friendship was much too precious to risk with a romantic entanglement. That coupled with Harry's infatuations Cho Chang and Ginny Weasley spoke to the fact that Hermione was not the type of girl that he went for. There was also the matter of Hermione's own interlude with Viktor Krum and her growing attraction to and feelings for Ron. She had set aside any thought of an amorous relationship with Harry as a childhood crush until the Horcrux hunt. It had been then that things had started to change.
At the outset of the hunt for Voldemort's horcruxes both she and Ron had expected danger and they had known that things would be difficult and to be perfectly honest they had known that Harry had precious little information to go on. But with the secure shelter of Grimmauld Place surrounding them, the means to communicate with an Order member if need be and the fortifying comfort of Kreacher's cooking and care had made the task seem much less daunting. However the loss of these things and the addition of Voldemort's malicious, vitriol spewing locket had unhinged the resolve and peace of the trio. Hermione had realized too late how dangerous wearing the locket was. Though she and the others had known that the soul that was housed within the locket was sentient they had not expected that its presence would be so malevolently insidious. None of them could have guessed how differently the locket would affect them when Hermione had made the decision that they should take turns wearing the horcrux.
Following Harry's ineffectualness against the dementors while wearing the locket Hermione had seen that the horcrux caused an obvious decline in Harry's magical abilities as well as an increase in an already pronounced combative streak, Hermione had assumed that the locket would have the same effects on both she and Ron. She had not known could not have known the manner in which the locket would play on their fears and insecurities nor did she anticipate that the bit of Voldemort's soul that resided in the locket would possess the ability to spread his knack for spreading discord and animosity so thoroughly. The horcrux did not affect Ron and Hermione's magical abilities instead it made them jaded, suspicious and extremely critical of Harry. In these moments they seemed to forget that Harry had told them everything that Dumbledore had told him from the very beginning. Though it was difficult for them all it was doubly difficult for Ron who unlike Harry had never really suffered any kind of adversity before. Furthermore Ron was much less graceful under pressure than Hermione was. The lack of food and comfort made him difficult to deal with but combining that with the locket turned Ron into a nasty, mean spirited sort who was impossible to live with. When Ron's temper exploded and he left Hermione and Harry behind, she had taken it badly. She and Ron had just begun to work through their feelings for each other and were slowly embarking on the relationship that had been threatening to develop between them since the middle of their fourth year at Hogwarts.
Hermione had suspected that Ron's actions and reactions to her were of more than a friendly sort since he'd tried to curse Malfoy with his broken wand during their second year. Though she had long known that Ron was interested in more than friendship she had never allowed herself to think of anything more because of her own infatuation with Harry. As time wore on and the intimacy between the threesome solidified their friendship Hermione put aside her feelings for Harry viewing them as a childhood fascination. Viktor's attentions and Harry's preoccupation with Cho Chang helped to hasten those feelings along as well. At the same time as Harry was getting over his attraction to Cho and moving on to Ginny Hermione had started to reevaluate her feelings for Ron and found that his attentions were not altogether unwanted. Ron, however, had decided to give it a go with Lavender Brown. The results of which had been months of tears and agony which had nearly convinced Hermione that she was better off remaining just friends with Ron as she had done with Harry. And she very well would have done so had it not been for the series of very long rolls of parchment home for advice from her mother that had explained Ron's behavior as being that of someone who was jealous and insecure. It was the advice from her mother that had encouraged Hermione to give Ron the time and encouragement he seemed to need in order for them to make a go of things. In the end it had been Dumbledore's death and Harry's intention to put an end to Voldemort once and for all that had brought them together. And oddly enough it was that self same event that had ultimately brought her to this moment.
When Ron had walked out on she and Harry Hermione had been devastated. She had known for years that Ron often became jealous over the notoriety that Harry endured. Even more important than the jealousy was the fact that like nearly everyone else who had ever come in contact with Harry Ron suffered from the same awe and hero worship that made Harry appear as some sort of infallible deity who could do no wrong. That belief coupled with his jealousy and resentment and the negative properties and associations of wearing the locket had made it all too simple for Ron to walk away from Harry, but that had not explained why it had been so easy for Ron to walk away from her, the person he claimed to care for more than anyone else. It had been that question that led to the weeks of tears she'd shed over his departure. And though he had come back and worked hard to prove himself to both she and Harry it had been and still was that question that often caused her to doubt Ron and the earnestness of his present devotion to her. Ron had walked away from both she and Harry when they had needed him most and as much as she tried to convince herself that the circumstances surrounding his departure had been extreme she couldn't help remembering the other times that Ron had abandoned she and Harry. No matter what she told herself she knew it was possible that Ron could walk away from them… from her again. As Hermione sat contemplating the state of her relationship with Ron the errant thought she'd been trying for the better part of two hours to keep at bay wandered into her thoughts… and what of your feelings for Harry.
Hermione sighed as she slammed the book she'd been attempting to peruse shut and with a muttered curse buried her face in her hands.
"Is your studying not going well or are you just trying to decide between Ron and Harry?"
At the sound of Luna's querying voice Hermione jerked upright and stared wide-eyed and openmouthed at the preternaturally observant blond. Working to find her voice Hermione reddened and spluttered as she said, "Lu-Lu-Luna, I- I- I didn't hear you walk up behind me I must have been…"
Luna waved a hand dismissively as she took the seat next to Hermione and began conversationally. "Judging by the incoherent stuttering you're doing I would hazard a guess that you're trying to decide between the lads and meeting no success I'd say." Luna paused and watched Hermione's eyes as they flickered momentarily first with denial and then with wonder. Luna reached out and patted Hermione's hand sympathetically as she answered the unspoken questions in her friend's eyes. "It has always been clear to me that there was something more than simple friendship between you and Harry even if the two of you weren't quite so clued in but though I've always known how the two of you felt my intuition wasn't confirmed until Christmas hols when Harry finally accepted the true nature of his feelings for you."
Hermione stared at Luna in disbelief. "You've known about this since Christmas!"
Luna who was rummaging in her school bag nodded nonchalantly. "As I said I have known about it for ages, since your fourth year if I recall correctly, you two spent a lot of time together during the Triwizard Tournament. Then once I got to know the two of you personally it was clear that your auras were entwined but neither of you seemed to be heeding your own desires so I thought it best to keep my own counsel and let nature take its course, though I must admit it took longer than I anticipated." Luna paused and smiled brightly as she pulled a copy of Nocturna Respites' Visions and Dream Musings from the recesses of her bag. She carefully placed the book on the table as Hermione interrupted her before she could continue with her rather one sided discourse.
"You've been talking to Harry about this, about these feelings he thinks he has for me."
Luna cocked her head to the side and heaved a sigh as though considering her next words cautiously before speaking them aloud. "I have been helping Harry sort through his feelings for you yes. I've been after him to tell you how feels for months but he's a stubborn one is our Harry."
Hermione frowned, "Luna you shouldn't have been encouraging him in this- this- this-lunacy!
Luna's face contorted itself into the serenest of expression as she replied. "You're nearly as bad as Harry when it comes to engaging in this excess of self sacrifice. You won't allow yourself to want what your heart wants anymore than he would initially. You're trying to avoid what you truly feel but no matter how hard you try you can't stop a heart from loving who it loves. Harry thought he could do that and the effort nearly drove him mad. I suspect you've been in love with Harry from the moment you laid eyes on him and now you know for certain that he feels the same way about you… considering that you've never been able to deny Harry anything that was in your power to give can you honestly deny him the one thing you've always wanted to give him-can you honestly deny him your love."
Hermione closed her eyes and shook her head despondently, "It's not as easy as you make it sound Luna."
Luna smiled at the similarity of Hermione's words to those of Harry so many months before. She replied with the same words, "Only because you're making it difficult Hermione."
"I'm with Ron!"
"But would you have been if you'd had a different choice?"
Hermione stared at Luna perplexedly as she elaborated. "Some months back Harry and I had nearly the exact conversation. I was telling him that he should tell you how he felt about you but he refused on account of you having already made your choice to be with Ron. I reminded him that in order for a person to make a choice they have to know that they have options. I reminded him that you'd never been able to really choose whether you wanted to be with him or with Ron because he'd never gotten up the bollocks to tell you he was in love with you. Harry wasn't sure that you knowing how he felt would make much of a difference in how you felt or who you were with. I told him that there was nothing to say it wouldn't make a difference and that is what you have to ask yourself Hermione, does knowing how Harry feels make a difference in how you feel."
Luna paused and reaching over she laid her hand gently upon Hermione's, Hermione raised her head and opened her eyes as she nodded and in a voice barely about a whisper replied, "Yes Luna, it makes a difference, it makes all the difference in the world."
Luna squeezed Hermione's hand sympathetically. She sat silently by the brunette allowing her a few moments to compose herself. After several moments Hermione emitted a small sigh, "I've always felt more for Harry than I should. It started out as a schoolgirl's crush and over time it developed into something deeper than I'd ever imagined was possible but he never showed the slightest inclination towards being anything other than a friend to me until Ron left us during the hunt."
Hermione paused a second. Luna sensed that Hermione needed a sympathetic ear so she listened attentively as her friend continued speaking. "Harry and I have always been close but when it was just the two of us things changed somehow. We developed a deeper connection that was so much more than what we had before. I can hardly understand it myself let alone explain it to someone else all I know is that our relationship changed drastically during those months we were alone, it grew deeper, more intimate until we crossed the line between friendship and something more."
Luna interrupted softly and stated more than asked, "the night that you and Harry kissed in the tent." Hermione nodded not at all surprised that Luna knew about the kissed. "Yes, the night that we kissed in the tent, it was also the same night that Ron came back." Luna bobbed her head up and down, signaling Hermione to go on.
"It was so sudden-the kiss-I think it caught us both off guard. So much was happening then; the search for the horcruxes had stalled, Harry had just found out about the darker side of Dumbledore's past and then there was the matter of his anger over Ron having deserted us. I was trying to keep his spirits up despite all the difficulties we were having and I was conflicted over my growing feelings for Harry and those that I still felt for Ron whom I was angry with as well. I don't think either of us was prepared for that kiss, we never spoke about why it happened, what we felt about it or what it all meant. Then Ron came back and Harry practically threw us together. When he never even broached the subject again I assumed it was a heat of the moment sort of thing. I never imagined that he was feeling this way, I thought I was the only one."
Hermione lapsed into a thoughtful silence. She and Luna sat together in silence for sometime before Hermione ventured to speak again. "What in the name of Merlin am I supposed to do now Luna?" Luna's reply was simple and straightforward. "Follow your heart Hermione, it's the only honest answer I can give you." Having said that Luna collected her belongings from the table and rising from her seat she left Hermione to her thoughts once again.
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