Author's Note:
Really, you're killing me with the reviews! Since I still can't figure out how to reply individually lets just pretend I did and that I told each of you you're amazing and I really appreciate what you have to say.
For those of you that caught the `Bones' reference. Kudos. It was just too good of a line and fit much too perfectly with these characters. I just couldn't leave it out.
I'm also so glad that you like my Ron. I really like Ron as a character (most of the time) and I think he gets pared down to some very base character traits quite frequently (as does Hermione, to be fair). I feel like he's more nuanced than that and that he has a lot of potential, it's just rarely explored. I know a `mature' Ron seems like it's not keeping in character and that I'm making him into Mature!Ron instead, but we've seen glimpses in the books where a big event has rocked him back to where he could/should be, much like after the dragon task in Book 4.
This will probably be the last chapter that is completely AU and then we'll jump back into Book 6.
WARNING: This chapter alludes to a sexual assault. If this bothers you in any way please stop reading now.
She was quite sure she had never been more frightened before in all her life. That included rogue trolls, werewolves, and fighting Death Eaters. Her grip on Harry and Ron's hands was so tight she was sure they would have permanent marks from her nails but she didn't even think about letting go.
She had never used a pensieve before and it was a decidedly bizarre experience. It was like one was falling in a dream without the unpleasant feeling in your stomach. She shut her eyes tight and when she opened them she saw the corridor outside Slughorn's office and she saw him.
Her stomach rolled and the one piece of toast she had eaten threatened to reappear. A detached part of her brain wondered if one could be sick in a memory. Harry and Ron both turned towards her and she saw identical looks of concern on their faces.
`Get yourself together' she said to herself `You're safe. It's over. And you need to do this.' She repeated this mantra over in her head until she felt like she could go on.
"Alright, Hermione?" Ron asked
She nodded and squeezed their hands and took a step forward already seeing her memory self walking down the hall.
They watched as McLaggen grabbed her arm and put it in his. Now it was her turn to have her hands crushed as both the boys reacted to seeing him touch her. Ron actually took a half a step forward, as if he could stop what was happening. She tugged him back "It's ok. I'm right here." she said, her voice only wavering slightly.
They followed behind and watched as they chatted with guests and headed to the refreshment table. Harry also seemed to be doing a lot of looking around she noticed, as if he was searching for someone in particular.
She had forgotten about McLaggen's sneak attack at the punch bowl and she gasped in time with her memory when he surprised her from behind. Beside her Harry let out a low growl and ran a hand over his face `I don't know if I can do this' she heard him mutter under his breath.
She pretended she hadn't heard him and gave Ron a quick glance, he was beet red in the face and looked as if he'd like to do nothing better than to rip McLaggen limb from limb. Maybe bringing them with her wasn't a good idea after all.
But they had a chance to calm down while the memory Hermione was eating to avoid talking to McLaggen. Again, Harry was watching the crowd. "Who are you looking for?" she asked.
He hesitated before answering her "Malfoy."
She merely raised an eyebrow. She knew he had been suspicious of Malfoy for the better part of the school year, and she felt a wave of guilt wash over her, she hadn't given Harry much of a chance to explain his reasons. But she didn't understand how Malfoy could be involved with what happened to her.
He stopped and started a few times before just deciding to tell her "It seems as if...that is to say that Dumbledore believes that McLaggen was under the Imperious curse when he attacked you."
She stared at him dumbstruck. It made no sense. Who would use imperio on McLaggen to do such a thing to her.
"And you think Malfoy is behind this? I don't understand. Why would he do this? And to me? I know he hates me but...this seems too far even for him."
Harry didn't say anything, just held her gaze for the longest time. So long she thought he wasn't going to answer. "I don't know for sure. But this attack..." and he trailed off, the look of pain on his face was great she wanted to do whatever she could to take it away. "I don't think it was just about hurting you."
That wasn't really an answer at all, but seeing how broken he looked she didn't dare press him for more information right then.
She turned back to the memory and saw herself standing on tiptoe, looking through the crowd.
"Who were you looking for?" Ron asked
"Harry. I was looking for Harry." she didn't mean for it to sound as if she blamed him, but as soon as he stiffened next to her she knew thats how he took it.
She remembered what was about to happen. "Maybe you two shouldn't watch this part." she warned, wishing she could look away herself but not being able to. But telling the boys not to do something was as good as telling them to do it.
Both of them stepped forward this time when he grabbed her under the mistletoe. She had to swallow heavily to fight the gorge that rose in her throat. Turning her head into Harry's arm she waited until she felt him relax a bit and then looked up.
"It's over." he said tersely
They all looked up then as they saw the memory Harry calling Hermione's name as McLaggen went to get her some punch.
"Bit strange watching yourself, isn't it." she said
Harry just nodded and then dropped her hand so he could wrap his arm around her waist. He leaned down and whispered "I'm so sorry I didn't help you." into her ear.
She knew he would feel guilty. Both of them in fact, but she didn't blame them.
"Oh Harry." she said softly and looked at him sadly, they would need to talk about this later.
Their memory selves were now being regaled by Trelawney, although Luna certainly seemed to be in her element.
"I see Malfoy" Ron said suddenly
"Where!" Harry exclaimed.
"Over by the punch bowl. He's talking to...son of a bitch!!" Ron roared "He's talking to McLaggen!"
She was sure none of them were even breathing. Malfoy was indeed talking to McLaggen who seemed oblivious that a Slytherin was choosing to speak with him.
They all saw it then. It was clear as day if anyone bothered to look. In hindsight she was amazed he wasn't caught on the spot considering how sloppily it was executed.
Malfoy clapped a hand on McLaggen's arm causing him to spill the majority of his punch. Malfoy then made a big show of getting McLaggen a new cup, turning away for a second to pour something into it from a small vial. As he handed the fresh cup off Malfoy slipped a second vial into McLaggen's pocket and then with a sneer was gone.
They couldn't take their eyes off what they were seeing. McLaggen downed his new punch in one gulp and then staggered a second before regaining his balance. And there was a new look in his eyes, one that was scary.
Helpless to do anything they had no choice but to watch as he poured another cup and put several drops into it from the vial in his pocket. This was, without a doubt, the reason she had been left so helpless.
When the memory McLaggen approached the memory Harry the real Harry blanched and almost fell down.
Hermione turned to him in concern. "Harry!"
He righted himself but wouldn't look her in the eye "He talked to me." he said miserably "He had the drink with the potion in it right there! Right in front of me and I just let him go!" he stepped a few feet away from them and turned away, both hands on top of his head, clenched in his already unruly hair.
Hermione dropped Ron's hands and stepped up behind him "You didn't know, Harry. You couldn't have known." she laid a hand gently on his back and felt how taut the muscles were, she didn't know how much more he could take and it was only going to get worse.
She pulled on one elbow until he dropped his hands and then surprised her by scooping her up in a giant hug.
Ron let out a not too subtle "ahem" and they stepped apart hastily.
Hermione led them to the other side of the room where McLaggen had caught back up with her. And they had to stand there and watch, helpless to do anything. Had to watch as she drank the potion that would render her paralyzed and unable to fight back.
As she saw her memory self start to sag and lean on McLaggen her real self felt just as weak and if Ron hadn't caught her about the waist she would have gone down.
"Whoa, Hermione!" Ron yelled as he took her weight on. She gripped his arm and smiled her thanks. It was then that they both realized Harry wasn't paying them the least bit of attention. He was completely fixated on what he was seeing and hearing.
And then they all were. They heard his, evil, twisted warning and saw the look of desperate panic on her face and then a flicker of hope and as one they turned their heads and saw what she was seeing; the retreating form of Harry as he left the party.
"No" the real Harry gasped at his doppelganger. His eyes filled with tears before he swiped an angry hand across his face.
In silence they followed McLaggen out of the party, half carrying her memory self. It should have been plain to anyone that there was something wrong with her but no one looked twice.
They trailed behind down the long corridors, further and further into the depths of the castle. Her knees went weak when she saw herself fall and McLaggen pick her up.
Ron seemed to be getting more and more agitated and in a moment they knew why. They saw the memory of Ron step out of the shadows and do nothing. Again saw the flare of hope and the resultant despair as she saw Ron, not following her, but going the opposite direction.
The real Ron looked like he was ready to blow. His fists were clenched tight and his face matched his hair. She laid a calming hand on his arm but he jerked away, he didn't even seem to see her.
"Where did you go?" she asked, still trying to piece together how everything had happened
He acted as if he didn't hear her, he just stared after his retreating form until the memory pulled them down the corridor the other direction.
"I left you." he spat out "I just left you! I knew something wasn't right and I left you!" he was furious
"Where did you go, Ron." she asked again, knowing they would need to talk about all of this in much greater depth at some point but that now was not the time.
"I went to find Harry." he finally admitted, but wouldn't look her in the eye.
"So you did the right thing." she assured him "Who's to say that he wouldn't have killed you and still hurt me. You did the right thing."
But Ron just shook his head, frustrated. "You don't get it! I left you! I could have saved you, but I let my pride get in the way and I LEFT YOU!" his eyes sparkled with angry tears and his chest was heaving.
She stepped back at his outburst and then yelled without thinking "And where would that have left Harry!!! " she clamped a hand over her mouth in horror as soon as the words left her mouth. Harry was never supposed to know how worried she always was for him.
He was looking at her strangely, but now Ron had quieted and was looking at her too. She took a few steps away from them to get her emotions under control. And then she looked around her and took in her surroundings.
She felt all the blood rush to her head and a dull roar fill her ears. "Oh gods...this is...this is where it happened." and in an instant the last few minutes were forgotten and the boys were once again at her side.
"I don't know...I don't know if I can do this." she whispered.
Harry brushed away a lock of hair that had escaped her clip and tilted her chin up until she was looking at him "Yes you can. We're not going anywhere, and you're safe. If you remember all of that you'll be fine."
She took a deep shuddering breath and nodded once.
She turned back just as McLaggen was dumping her limp body on the ground and she let out a stifled shriek.
Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest she was sure it would burst. And when his fist struck her for the first time she knew she jumped a foot.
The boys were still. So very very still.
She barely knew they were there. Her entire focus was on what she was seeing, on what had happened to her.
She had very little recollection of this. Some snippets of words McLaggen had said, feelings of fear and the pain and the taste of blood in her mouth. Seeing it like this though, being able to see and hear everything that was happening...she had the thought that maybe she had been better off not knowing.
She knew she didn't remember him talking. Not with that terrible, nasty tone.
All of her senses zeroed in on McLaggen's ranting, as she realized what he was saying
"He can hide behind Dumbledore. He can hide behind his mother's protection. But we are everywhere and he has no idea. How do you think he's going to feel when he sees what's happened to his mudblood whore."
The whine in her head had reached an apex. This was...this was about Harry! She was attacked to get to Harry!
She whirled to see Harry, her eyes wild, hands clamped over her mouth in an effort to keep her screams at bay.
He looked broken.
She tried to speak but couldn't. Her eyes were drawn back to the terrible tableau before her.
She swore she felt the pain all over again when her memory self was hit with crucio. She knew what was coming. Knew this would be the hardest part, but she underestimated exactly how hard it was going to be. Their vision of the memory was beginning to get blurred on the edges as she lost consciousness in the memory.
When McLaggen's hand began to make its way up her leg and pushed up her skirt she heard Ron turn around and retch.
It felt like she wasn't even watching herself now.
The memory went black then and for a moment she thought this was all they would see and then it came back, like a light had been switched. She realized it was her memory, slipping in and out of conscious.
McLaggen hit her with crucio again and a cutting charm, slicing right through the front of her blouse.
The memory went dark again. When it came back she saw him undoing the front of his trousers.
Harry fell to his knees.
She was the last one standing.
Dark again. There was a long pause and when she can see again McLaggen is nowhere to be seen. Her memory self was being wrapped in Harry's dress robes. The Ron in the memory was standing behind Harry, his fists were raw and torn and there was blood splattered all over his front.
The far wall in the memory catches her attention and she turns to read it. Reading it once and then twice. Not believing that this was a threat against Harry. Not believing that everything that had happened to her had been done to get to Harry. Why would anyone do that? Who would think she had that kind of power?
The memory was fading again and she stumbled backwards, numb.
Looking down she saw that Harry was still on his knees, staring hard at the ground, looking so defeated. She reached a hand out and laid it on his head. When he looked at her, with such a mixture of sorrow and expectation, she felt herself begin to let go. He looked at her as if she alone could grant him absolution.
With a great heaving sob she collapsed into his arms. She cried for all of them. For what this had done and what it had taken away. The memory dimmed one last time and she felt Ron's hand on her back as they were pulled back out of the pensieve and into the hospital room.
They stayed that way for what seemed like forever. One collective unit, trying to understand and trying to heal.
When she had no tears left Harry stood and pulled her up with him. Sandwiched between the two boys she made her way to the bed and lay down, drained. Harry pulled the covers up and tucked them under her chin before sinking down on the edge of the bed himself, as if it was too much trouble to walk three feet to the chair. She felt another depression at the end of the bed as Ron too just sat and stared resolutely at the floor in front of him.
When Professor McGonagall entered no one acknowledged her presence.
"I presume you have viewed the memory?" she asked
Harry gave Hermione's shoulder a squeeze and stood up. "I need to see the headmaster." he said gravely
"Of course, Potter." answered the professor and turned to leave.
Harry bent over her and whispered in her ear, causing a shiver to shoot through her "I'll be right back. Ron's here." and then he was gone.
She didn't protest, didn't ask what he was keeping from her or why he wanted to talk to Dumbledore.
Ron broke the silence "You should come home with us, to the Burrow, for the holiday."
His suggestion took her by surprise. She hadn't even thought about it, but tomorrow she was supposed to get on the train and go back to her parent's house for the next three weeks. Fear flooded her stomach. How could she do that? How could she go home like this? Her parents would never understand and she couldn't imagine telling them about what had happened.
And if she was being perfectly honest the thought of being away from Harry frightened her the most.
"I'd like that." she whispered "I'll need to write to my parents though, they're expecting me and...I know they'll be upset but...I just can't go home right now."
As if she had been summoned Hedwig flew in and landed lightly on the top of the headboard.
"Do you think Harry would mind?" she asked
"Not at all." he said "Let me find you something to write with."
She pushed herself up in the bed and smoothed her hair down, smiling gratefully when Ron found her some scrap parchment and a somewhat usable quill.
Hedwig gave her an affectionate nip before taking off. "I hope they're not too mad at me." she said
"Your parents won't mind, will they?" she asked Ron, ashamed she hadn't asked that first.
"You know Mum, the more the better, she won't think twice." he reassured her.
"Why don't you get some rest." he suggested "I'm sure Harry will be back soon."
But she didn't want to rest. She didn't know what she wanted. Part of her wanted to slide under the covers and pretend she was invisible. The other part of her wanted to hunt McLaggen down. Both feelings scared her, but in different ways. She had never been one to ignore an issue or to run from a challenge-damn Gryffindor bravery. But acknowledging what happened and why it happened meant acknowledging that the war was really beginning and that it was coming to them, coming to Harry, and she didn't know if they were ready.
Ron was slowly pacing around the room looking anxious. Another wave of guilt passed over her. She had seen how broken up he had been about not coming after her. And after everything they had said and done to each other the last few weeks they needed to talk but she wasn't sure either of them were ready yet.
"You should go. I'm fine. Really." she said to him "Go see Lavender for a bit before she leaves."
Ron's head jerked around at her words. It felt strange to be talking about something different, something outside of this very small world the three of them had created. It seemed like it was so long ago and that they had changed so much in what was really a very short span of time.
"No. It's..uh..it's fine." he stuttered, red staining his cheeks.
"Besides, I told Harry I'd stay and I'm not leaving you alone."
She opened her mouth to protest but knew it wouldn't do any good and for once in her life actually conceded to Ron Weasley.
He even gave her a small smirk. `Damn him!' she thought, and raised an eyebrow in return, he'd pay for that later.
Harry returned not too much later, looking morose, the circles under his eyes even more prominent now.
"What'd Dumbledore say, mate?" Ron asked
"I asked him if they had seen Malfoy talking to McLaggen, in the memory." he spat out both the names as though it pained him to speak them. "They had been watching Hermione not the rest of the party, but he said they'd look at it again."
Harry looked lost in thought for a moment "I asked if there was a potion that would work the same as the imperious. He said there was something, but that it was very old and very rare and could only be made by someone with considerable skill."
"Snape!" Ron seethed.
"Thats what I thought too, at first but...there's something else going on between Malfoy and Snape."
She made a mental note to have a detailed conversation later about precisely what Harry had been suspecting them of doing all year.
"Dumbledore's going to talk to Slughorn, ask about the potion, both of them actually. The one that drugged you had to have been modified somehow, he just doesn't know how or why." Harry said, looking at her carefully "Malfoy's already gone home and there's no way for Dumbledore to get to him over the hols. We'll have to wait until we get back."
She nodded. Poking the hornet's nest that was Malfoy Manor was the same as poking Voldemort. The quieter they could keep this the better it would be in the long run.
"I invited Hermione to stay with us at the Burrow." Ron said, breaking the silence.
Harry reacted like he was a deflated balloon and sank to the edge of the bed. He shot Ron a look of gratitude. "Are you ok, Harry?" she asked, surprised by his reaction.
He look embarrassed "Yeah...I just...on the way back I was wondering what I...we...what we were going to do if you went home. This is brilliant." he smiled at her shyly and then turned his head away.
She felt her stomach do a funny little flip. Harry was that worried about her?
Ron had raided what was left of the food tray he had brought up earlier and Hermione picked quietly at a stale pastry until Madame Pomfrey entered.
Once again she ran her diagnostic spells and declared Hermione whole, at least physically. "You may still have some residual pain from the...from the unforgiveable."
Hermione nodded her understanding "Am I free to leave then?"
The healer said she was "But please remember you may come speak to me at any time, about anything if the need arises."
Hermione swallowed heavily, knowing exactly what she was saying and gave her a half smile of appreciation.
She grabbed the small bag that Ginny had packed for her and stood up. "Well, I guess it's time then." she said to the boys and started for the exit only to be blocked by Harry.
"Really Harry, you heard her, she said I can go." she said, a touch of indignation in her voice.
"Just give us a minute, would you?" and shot her a look that asked her to be quiet.
Madame Pomfrey looked at them strangely but continued on her way.
Once she was out of ear shot Harry turned to Ron "Still got the map?" he asked.
Ron pulled out the Marauder's Map and opened it up.
"I thought you might like to not have to talk to anyone on the way back." Harry said, explaining his earlier behavior.
"Oh..."she said, chagrined "Yes, that would be good. Thank you."
With Ron leading and Harry at her side they took a slightly circumvent route back to the dormitory.
Half way there she found herself clutching at the cuff of Harry's jumper when they passed a particularly dark hallway. He smiled down reassuringly at her and slipped her hand into his.
Just outside the common room door Ron paused. "No one's inside, but Ginny is up in your room." he warned.
"Thanks." she whispered.
Everything looked exactly the same as when she had left, which in all reality it should, it hadn't even been twenty four hours ago.
Ron busied himself with shutting the map and she realized that for the first time since she had woken up she was going to be separated from them.
Her heart began to race at the thought and Harry must have picked up on her anxiety.
"Hey." he said, squeezing her hand to get her attention "You'll be ok, and we can get to you in seconds if we need."
Her mouth felt so dry she didn't think she could form words.
"And we promise we'll stay in the tower. If we need to leave for any reason we'll let you know."
She could do this. She had no choice. Biting her lip hard, she batted her eyes furiously to keep the tears away and smiled when she succeeded.
"Thank you. Really."she said, words not being enough for what they had done for her.
"You'd do the same for us, `Mione." Ron said before running a comforting hand along her arm and then heading for the stairs "I'm beat, mate. See you in the morning."
"You can do this. You'll be fine, and Ginny's up there as well."
Without warning she launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her head underneath his chin. He pressed a kiss into her hair and her heart jumped a little. `Where had that come from?' she wondered.
"Thank you, Harry." she whispered into his chest before pushing off him and turning to head up the stairs in one move, knowing that if she looked back she'd never make it.
When she opened the door to the girls room she saw Ginny lying on her bed idly flipping through a magazine.
"Hermione!" she exclaimed and flew across the room to hug her.
"Hey, Ginny." she replied
"How are you? Are you alright? I talked to Harry this morning. Please don't be mad at him..I won't say a word. I promise. You can trust me."Ginny went on, barely taking a breath.
"It's ok Gin, I'm not mad at him. And thank you for keeping quiet...we don't...we don't know everything right now and..." but Ginny cut her off
"Thats what Harry said." Ginny looked at her nervously "Is there anything you need? Anything I can get for you?"
Hermione shook her head "All I really want to do is get a shower and go to sleep. Ron invited me to come back with you guys to the Burrow for the hols, if thats ok."
"Oh, I'm so glad." Ginny said genuinely
Hermione gathered her things and headed for the bathroom, grabbing Ginny's arm as she passed "Please, don't say anything to your parents though, or the rest of the boys. I just...I couldn't..."
"Of course...I understand...of course." she said gravely and hugged her again.
Hermione took the longest shower of her life. She knew that Madame Pomfrey had used a cleansing spell but there was something therapeutic about being able to scrub away the past herself. She intentionally didn't dwell on anything while in the shower, fully intending on falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
She put on her most comfortable pajamas and slid beneath the familiar covers. Crookshanks hopped up and curled next to her stomach, his contented purr made her feel safe.
As she dropped off to sleep her only wish was that she didn't see him in her dreams.
And she didn't. As the night wore on, she was taken back to that dark corridor, she kept her eyes screwed tight, but since this was a dream she was unable to keep them from opening, except for this time it wasn't McLaggen she saw. It was Voldemort.
She woke up screaming.