Disclaimer: I don't own HP. JKR does. Some details are taken from the fanfiction HP and the Psychic Serpent by Barb; that can be found on fanfiction.net.
A/N: Thanks to all of you for your reviews, they really mean a lot to me. And thanks to Cheryl for her wonderful job in betaing the chapter, as usual she has been fantastic!
Chapter Three
"Lonely Christmas"
Harry's relationship with Ron and Hermione greatly improved with the nearing of Christmas. Harry was consciously working at learning from Snape's error, and not letting anger consume him, all the while Ron and Hermione were afraid of completely losing their best friend. The three were on the long road to reconciliation and the closeness of the past was still eluded them.
However, for Hermione this was enough for the moment; how many sleepless nights she had passed, remembering Harry's
face leaving the train and then the solemn look on his face as he walked away in search of an unoccupied carriage.
Harry may have thought his actions had gone unobserved, but she watched, and she felt his pain.
Hermione couldn't even begin to explain how much her fear of losing Harry ran; now, having him trying to work things out made her relieved and cautiously optimistic.
When she noticed Harry hanging out with Malfoy, at first she was a little mortified, questioning why Harry would associate with his archrival. She knew it had to be more than just following Snape's suggestion to stay away from her and Ron. After mulling her thoughts over for quite some time, it dawned her; maybe just maybe Harry had feelings for her? She questioned her own feelings for Harry? But, she was with Ron now, what could she do? She tormented herself in the days leading up to the holiday break trying to determine what she could do, if anything to help Harry.
Meanwhile, Harry immersed himself in study, running twice a day, and captaining the Gryffindor Quidditch team, he was inadvertently setting a strong example to the younger students; even Professor McGonagall was pleased with his remarkable new work ethic.
From the vantage point of her dorm room window Hermione often watched Harry run, he was relentless, and he ran in rain or snow. So many times she wanted to go and talk with him only to be held back by her own fears and insecurities.
***
A Few days later the Quidditch season started with the first game being Gryffindor verses Hufflepuff. The match was short lived when Harry caught the Snitch after only five minutes of play, tying his own Hogwarts record set in his first year.
After all the spectators and players left, save for Harry, he remained on the pitch, lost in thoughts of Hermione. He was desperately trying to resolve his feelings, his love for her, she is with Ron and he was determined to be the supportive best friend Ron and Hermione expected him to be, he rationalised. Some time later, Professor McGonagall roused Harry from his musing with a message from Professor Dumbledore.
"Harry, the Headmaster wants to see you in his office."
Harry wondered why Dumbledore wanted to see him; however, he shrugged the thought off and headed in to the castle. When he reached the gargoyle guarding the entrance to the Headmaster's office, Harry realised that didn't know the password, but before he could start guessing with various names of sweets the gargoyle moved aside.
Harry entered and stepped on the stair that would automatically take him to the inner office.
"Ah, Harry. Please, take a seat" Dumbledore instructed.
Harry did as he was told.
"Harry, I have been advised that you have had a falling out with Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley. " Harry opened his mouth to protest but stopped when Dumbledore held up his hand and continued, "I have also been advised of your recent attempts at reconciliation. I appreciate your efforts, however, I must impress upon you the need for unity, especially among friends. Harry, we must come together as a unified force against the darkness, there is no room for strife…or jealousy.
`Typical Dumbledore,' thought Harry, `he's acting like he has all the answers. What does he know about what I'm feeling? The pain I feel every time I see Hermione with Ron.' The memory of Ron and Hermione snogging on the train kept replaying over and over again in his mind. Anger once again started to boil Harry's insides, `What did that old codger know about anything!' Before Harry could think things through he spouted out something that he really didn't mean.
"You know what Sir…I give up, they might as well disappear for all I care. I have the prophecy; I have to defeat Voldemort, not them, not us together, not an army, just me! I don't need them, I wouldn't even know they were gone!" Harry shouted as he stormed out of the office.
He continued to storm through the empty corridors, and finally after gaining some much needed distance between himself and Dumbledore, Harry was able to admit that Dumbledore was right. Still Harry would have difficulty ever trusting the old wizard as he once had, Dumbledore was right Harry did need his friends, and it would kill him if anything happened to them.
He returned to Gryffindor Tower, decided to take a warm shower and afterwards dressed in his new robes proudly displaying his prefect badge, and went to the common room to finish his homework. Later he went to Hagrid's cottage, looking for company, but mainly to avoid Ron who, he heard had been searching for him. Although less agitated than he'd been earlier, Harry was in no mood to be dealing with Ron at the minute. Harry was not confident that he could keep his tongue in check and did not want to risk further damaging the already tenuous relationship.
***
A few days later, Harry had found some happiness for the first time this term. He had been secretly training to become
an Animagus and had succeeded in accomplishing the transformation much quicker than he'd anticipated. Harry learned
that he could not choose his Animagus that it came from his magic, much like the Patronus. He was relieved that his
form was a golden griffin and that he had the ability to fly; fitting really, as flying was something he took to
naturally. As he tried out flying in his Animagus form he felt happy and free and albeit temporary, he was able to
clear his thoughts.
For the next Hogsmeade weekend, Harry chose to go solo, being alone all day, however, turned out to not be such a good idea. His thoughts kept drifting between grieving for Sirius; brooding over the Prophecy; and anguishing over his broken heart. It was too much, he bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying, he thought of taking the easy way out, thinking of various ways to commit suicide. Then an image of his parents flashed in his mind; no, suicide was a coward's way and he wasn't about to let his parent's sacrifice be in vain. Harry resolved to fight; there was no way he would make Voldemort's ambitions easier; Harry would fight for the freedom of all the Wizarding World.
He returned to the castle with a renewed determination to face his problems and resolve them all, one by one.
`How could I have ever thought of suicide,' he admonished to himself, `How un-Harry Potter of me. Besides, my fan club would be really disappointed.' Harry chuckled and shook his head in amusement. He felt better now thanks to his internal pep talk. He realised that he could face all that life had in store for him. Harry returned to Hogwarts just in time for dinner. After eating and chatting quite cheerfully with his fellow Gryffindors, something he hadn't done in months, he decided to go for a walk, as he wasn't quite ready to turn in for the night.
***
Nearly all the students left Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays; for the first time Harry was alone with the Professors as Ron and Hermione both had elected to go home for the holidays.
`It wasn't going to be that bad, actually,' Harry thought, `Finally I can relax and rest up a bit more.'
He had made a good effort to be more civil to Ron and Hermione after the talk with Dumbledore. They were no longer a trio, but rather a couple and sidekick, but Harry didn't let it bother him too much. Now that he was alone he did feel freer.
In the absence of multiple students to watch over, Harry discovered the Professors were quite laid back and fun. He was enjoying the company of Dumbledore, Hagrid, McGonagall and Snape, as they went tobogganing, ice-skating, and snowshoeing. He enjoyed the company of the few students remained in the castle too, especially Lavender Brown, the only other Gryffindor to stay behind.
It was still a little unnerving and yet comforting as his friendship with Snape grew. Harry also found himself missing Draco's company, he laughed at the though, if anyone had told him a year ago that he would be mates with Draco and on speaking terms with Snape, he'd have thought they were mad. Harry thought about sending Draco an owl, but quickly nixed the idea he didn't want to cause trouble for Draco in case his correspondence was monitored.
On Christmas Eve, Harry with Lavender for company walked the grounds for hours. He was rather surprised that he was enjoying her presence and the chance to get to know her better. For the past five years Harry had only thought of Lavender as an idle gossip and fashion princess, but he found that there much more to her underneath the image she projected. Without realising it he kept watching her and smiling as they had lunch together near the lake.
In the afternoon, they attempted skiing on one of the smaller the hills near the castle. They laughed until they ached as neither one of them was any good. They did more falling that actual skiing.
After dinner, they found themselves alone in the common room, enjoying the warmth of the fire. They were chatting quietly about nothing of consequence when slowly Lavender slid closer to Harry. When he didn't protest she kissed him. At first Harry was taken aback and tensed, but Lavender persisted and gradually he relaxed into the kiss. Kissing Lavender was nice, however, images of Hermione kept flashing in his mind and quickly realised that he had to stop it wasn't fair to Lavender. He gently pulled away from her and she attempted to pull him back in.
"Lavender, I'm sorry. I like you, I do but…I can't do this." he said and then got up walked to his dorm unable to look at her hurt expression. He felt badly for leading her on even if it was unintentional.
Christmas morning he sat on his bed opening his gifts alone. He was shocked to find a new watch from Dudley amongst his gifts. Dudley really had changed; he smiled as he wrote a thank you note. Just has he was tying the note to Hedwig's leg, he noticed a Muggle envelope on the floor.
It was from Uncle Vernon:
Harry,
As we intended to summer with Marge next year, Dudley has convinced us to let you stay at the house instead of making you go to Mrs. Figg's. You may invite your friends if you like so you that you will not have to be alone.
V.D.
Harry laughed out loud, if he didn't know differently, he'd swear Dudley really was a Wizard and he'd put Uncle Vernon under Imperious.
Then Harry's expression turned bitter, `your friends…what friends? Ron and Hermione? Yeah, I'd get to watch them snog all summer. Maybe Draco and Snape…'
Harry didn't know why but suddenly he thought about Krum and his infatuation for Hermione. Harry wondered if Krum knew about Ron and Hermione, then shaking to rid himself of that thought, he wasn't Krum's personal assistant. Realising he now understood exactly how Krum felt, Harry's thoughts drifted to Hermione, `I hope she is happy with Ron.'
He returned to his gift opening; the last gift was from Hermione. It was a new Broom Polishing Kit specifically for his Firebolt make and model. She had included a framed picture of them taken during her stay at Privet Drive last summer. He felt his heart break just a little bit more as he looked at the picture - they were talking to each other and holding hands.
He read the accompanying letter:
Dear Harry,
Happy Christmas, I hope you are enjoying your gifts.
Ron and I miss you. I hope the Professors aren't giving you too much trouble.
Harry, I know you are having a hard time with Ron and I being together. Just know that we didn't plan this, it just happened. I realised too late that you might have feelings for me and please know that I/we didn't intentionally set out to hurt you.
If I had known sooner, I could have, I would have handled things differently. Please try and be happy for me/us.
I miss your friendship so much it hurts.
Love,
Hermione
Harry bit down on his fist to hold back the tears threatening to spill from his eyes, he let the letter fall to the floor, in that moment he'd never felt more alone, like a lost child.
Suddenly in an act of unbridled teenaged angst he picked up the letter, grabbed the picture and charged down to the common room. Without a second thought he tossed the offending letter and picture, frame and all into the flames. He sat there watching with morbid satisfaction as the letter curled and then turned to ash. Harry then left the common to go for a walk; he needed to clear his thoughts.
"Is there a reason why you are walking about in your pyjamas?" questioned Snape. Harry looked down he was still in his nightclothes and rolled his eyes in embarrassment. Snape suggested that Harry get dressed and meet him in his office for a chat and then turned away muttering something about foolish Gryffindors.
Snape's voice was cold but not unkind, "Potter…Harry, pull yourself together man. She is just one girl, eventually your feelings will pass and you will move on to your next `one true love.'"
"Just like you got over my mum?" questioned Harry.
"Touché Potter." smirked Snape.
The pair then settled in for a long talk about various things including but not limited to the fairer sex. Harry then joined Snape and the other Professors in the Staff Room for Christmas Lunch. He had to admit that talking with Snape did help him feel better about things.
Lavender was another story, he could feel her eyes on him during lunch, he had managed to avoid her all morning, but now he had no means for escape. When she cornered him after lunch he didn't try to take off the least he could do was face the music and hear her out.
"Harry, I realise you don't fancy me…and its okay. I don't really fancy you either. I just thought we'd have a bit of fun over the holidays. No harm done, okay…" stated Lavender offering her hand in truce.
Harry smiled and taking her hand said, "No harm done."
"Would you like to go for a walk?" asked Lavender, "as friends?"
"I'd love too." Harry replied.
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