Unofficial Portkey Archive

Chapter 9: Beginnings

"Harry, hi, it's me, Tanya."

"Tanya?" Harry repeated, momentarily confused that it wasn't Hermione's voice on the other end of the line as he'd expected it to be.

"Yes, Tanya, I just left you a little while ago," she said, laughing at his confusion. "Don't tell me you've forgotten me already."

"Yeah," he shook his head, "I mean no. It's just…what do you need? Why are you calling?"

"I'm sorry, it's just that I have a brother in the Army. He's stationed in Germany and he's nine hours ahead of us. I figured Hermione must be right around there, so you probably hadn't talked to her yet. I was just wondering how you were holding up."

"Oh, well, I'm just waiting, watching the clock and all. I was getting ready to put in this cassette you loaned me so I could listen to that song all the way through. I thought it might make a good distraction."

"Why don't you turn your radio on instead? 97.3 is playing some good music tonight. If you like that stuff you heard earlier, you'll like what's on now."

"Well, I kind of wanted to hear…" he held up the tape like she could see it.

"Go on, turn it on," she said, cutting him off abruptly. "In fact, why don't you go ahead and turn it on now?"

"Because I'm on the phone…" he said, his response a slow, drawn out question.

"Oh, well, that's okay, I'll wait."

Something in her tone made Harry decide to not bother questioning her and he conceded. "Well, all right," he said, shaking his head and reluctantly agreeing. He walked over to the radio and flipped it on, then reached for the dial and changed it to 97.3.

Harry listened for a moment, completely forgetting that Tanya was on the phone, despite the fact he was holding it against his ear.

…lover, you're my best friend
You're in my soul

My love for you is immeasurable
My respect for you immense
You're ageless, timeless, lace and fineness
You're beauty and elegance

"Harry? Are you there?"

Harry jumped. "Huh?" he said, her voice taking him by surprise. "I'm sorry. I was, uh…"

"Boy, you're easily distracted tonight," she laughed. "But I understand. I like that song, too."

"I never much listened to the words to songs before. Seems ever since I started this…journey, I've been paying more attention to everything around me. Some of these songs are really great."

"Yeah, yeah they are," Tanya replied distractedly. "Harry, listen to the radio, okay. I'll talk to you later. Bye."

"Tanya?" Harry heard the click of the phone and he pulled it away from his ear and looked at it incredulously. "She just hung up on me."

"…special request tonight. Tanya," at the sound of Tanya's name Harry listened more carefully, "called in asking if I could put a song out to her friend Harry for his special lady. Harry, if you're listening Tanya says to tell you, `if you can't say it with words, say it with a song'. This one goes out to you…"

Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor and I love you.
You have made me what I am and I am yours.
My love, there's so many ways I want to say I love you.
Let me hold you in my arms forever more.
You have gone and made me such a fool,
I'm so lost in your love.
And oh, we belong together.
Won't you believe in my song?
……………………………………………………………………………

Hermione slammed down the phone in frustration. She'd tried three times to call Harry and it was the third time she'd gotten a busy signal. "What is he doing?" she huffed. She closed her eyes and counted to five. "No problem. No worries," she muttered under her breath.

Just relax, her inner voice chided.

I am relaxed! She thought back vehemently.

Oh, yes, forgive me for forgetting that this is the way Miss Hermione Granger relaxes.

"I…just…urgh!" she huffed. "Leave me alone. I don't want to think anymore."

Read his letter.

"I've read everything," she said hastily.

Why are you avoiding it?

She thought about that for a moment and whispered, "Because I'm scared."

Scared he'll say he loves you?

She closed her eyes and felt the pain of the truth encircle her. "No," she murmured softly, "scared he won't."

You have to read it.

"This is ridiculous!" she exclaimed, the words bursting forth before she could think or reason anything out. "I'm carrying on conversations with myself. And I'm offering myself advice," she said incredulously. "Now how the bloody hell is that supposed to work?" She put her hands to her head and in a coarse whisper began to admonish herself, "Hermione Jane Granger…just shut it!"

That'd be easier if you read the letter.

In a huff she picked up Harry's letter then rolled onto her stomach, on top of her bed, to read it…

Dear Hermione,

I'm going crazy here. I don't know what to say, what to think, what to do anymore. No matter what I do, all my waking thoughts seem to find their way back to you. I'm more lost than I ever was before I left. I came to find myself, to make some sort of difference in my own life … to find what I thought might have been lost nearly 17 years ago. But what I'm discovering- my greatest discovery to date- is that there was never really anything missing at all. Everything I needed was right in front of me. Do you have any idea how much the very idea of that scares the hell out of me?

I don't know what to do. I'm torn between jumping on the next plane and staying where I am in the hopes of discovering something- anything really- about me as me, and not me with or without you. There has to be a greater purpose to all of this, doesn't there? Why else wouldn't I have seen it when I was there, in England…so much closer? As obvious as it all seems now, how could I have missed it all this time? Why did I have to travel several thousand kilometers away to discover…this? And what exactly is this, anyway?

Things would've been so much easier if I'd just stayed put, wouldn't they? Would I know what I know now? Do I really even know what I think I know now? Have I even said any of this in a way that you can understand? Because I don't mind telling you, I'm not making the least bit of sense to me. I know I'm not the brightest bloke around, but I never realized until this very moment just how dim my bulb is.

My mum visited me today. Well, sort of, I saw her in a dream. She told me that it's possible to find both myself and love at the same time. Do you believe that could be true? Do you believe that it's possible? I'd like to think it is, but I just don't know right now. I have trouble believing that I can give any part of myself to someone else when I know so little about me…and I trust even less. My judgment has often been the catalyst for things that never should've happened. How am I supposed to trust it now?

And what is love, anyway? I'm sure I could find a definition for it in a dictionary. But, will that really tell me what I need to know? Have you read any good books lately, Hermione? Anything that might clear up some of these questions, or blow away some of these lingering doubts? I'm not sure I trust myself enough to love someone. How do you know when you're ready to let go and just feel? How do you allow yourself to trust what it is you think you feel? And most importantly, how am I supposed to figure this out without you? You've always been the answer to every question. Well, you know what I mean…you've always been able to find the answer to every question. I'm not sure how much you can help me this time….

I miss you more than you could believe…more than I think you could, even with your unlimited knowledge, ever begin to comprehend.

I lo…You are always in my thoughts.

Harry

Hermione stared at the place where the `I lo' had been crossed through and then semi-erased and wondered what it meant. Was it an `I love you' or merely an, `I look forward to' or some other word nearly as meaningless as `look'? She sighed and read through the letter again.

Sounds like love

"Sounds like lost," she groaned as she dropped the letter and crossed her arms to lay her head down. She closed her eyes, wishing she had some sort of mental connection to Harry that would allow her to communicate without the use of Muggle devices. For just a moment, she wondered if her Patronus could go that far…and if it'd ever be able to find him in a sea of a million faces without her there to guide it. She somehow knew that it could, but the distance was still too great.

She thought back to Harry's words. Miles mean nothing when we share the same sun, moon, and stars. She sighed and wiped a tear as she stared at his letter. "Miles mean everything when you want to do more than look up at the sky," she said softly. "Miles?" she repeated. For the first time it struck her as odd that Harry would use the word miles as opposed to kilometers. Then she shrugged, "Well, miles makes the distance seem shorter. 5000 miles or 8000 kilometers…" She chuckled and shook her head, amazed sometimes at the way her mind worked.

She looked up at Hedwig's empty cage. Most early mornings were this way. Hedwig would go out hunting and just as the sun would start to rise, she'd return to her cage to rest. There were a couple of times that Hermione had worried about her because she'd been gone for days. It was at those times when she wondered if Hedwig was missing Harry the most. If there was one thing Hermione understood, it was the desire to run away and grieve for the loss of Harry…she'd been longing to do it herself nearly every day since he'd been gone. She wished Hedwig was there now, though. She was Hermione's living, breathing proof that Harry would return one day. He promised he'd be back for Hedwig, so every time she looked at the snowy white owl she'd feel just the slightest relief from the pain of worry and longing that ravaged her stomach…and her heart, daily.

She glanced through his letter one last time and her eyes were drawn to where he'd written about his mother. Hermione closed her eyes and a vision of a beautiful woman with long red hair, whom she'd seen in Harry's pictures, filled her mind.

"Lily…Mrs. Potter, are you there? I hope that you can hear me," Hermione said, speaking softly to the picture in her mind. "I just want you to know that I really do love him. I think I probably always have. You're the only woman who's ever truly lived in his heart but I hold out hope that there's room in there for one more. I could never to take your place as the greatest woman in his life, truth is, I'd never want to. But I do know that I could make him happy, if only he'd give me the chance." Hermione opened her eyes and looked around. "I wish I knew that you could hear me. I wish I knew that this is okay with you."

At that moment she heard a soft screech as Hedwig flew in the bedroom window. Instead of flying to her cage like she always did when she returned, she landed with a soft thump on the bed beside Hermione. Hermione reached out to pet her and Hedwig nipped affectionately at her fingers. "Are you my answer girl?" Hermione asked as she continued to stroke Hedwig's feathers. Hedwig cocked her head, her wide eyes blinking up at Hermione and suddenly she knew that Lily had heard everything.

She picked up the phone and dialed Harry's all-too-familiar number, yet again…
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Lady, for so many years I thought I'd never find you.
You have come into my life and made me whole.
Forever let me wake to see you each and every morning.
Let me hear you whisper softly in my ear.
In my eyes I see no one else but you.
There's no other love like our love.
And yes, oh yes, I'll always want you near me.
I've waited for you so long.
Lady, your love's the only love I need
And beside me is where I want you to be.
'Cause, my love, there's something I want you to know,
You're the love of my life, you're my lady

"That was Kenny Rogers singing, `Lady'. We here at 97.3 wish you the very best, Harry. I've been told your girl is miles away so my advice to you is to get her here, grab her in a tight embrace, and never let her go. Love is rare, my friend. Good luck to you. Oh yes, and happy birthday wishes, too. Magical things can happen when you wish on a birthday candle."

Harry smiled at that last remark and then slumped down into the armchair. To say that he was stunned by Tanya's gesture would be nothing short of an understatement. It amazed him that she could be so considerate after he'd basically stood her up. He'd ruined her dinner plans and left her alone for the evening…all for a girl he had no chance of seeing at any point in the near future or even speaking to for at least a few more hours. He closed his eyes and silently apologized to her. He'd promised her dinner and he intended to keep that promise, he knew it was the very least that he could do.

He slowly opened his eyes and looked around the room. He stopped when his eyes caught sight of the art paper he'd used to try to and draw different pictures of Hermione. He stood up and approached them slowly. He knew now what was missing but he wondered if it was possible to create it. He wasn't sure that sparkle was something he could ever capture and it saddened him in some ways to know that he may not see it again until they reunited…and that was five more months away. He went around the easel and sat down on the stool he'd been calling home for the past week. He picked up a pencil and began to draw once more.

Harry was so focused on his drawing that the sound of the phone didn't register with him until the third ring. He looked up curiously and then ran for it, thankfully it still sat on the table beside the armchair. He answered it at the same time as the answering machine. "Hullo?"

He heard the beep of the machine and then the sigh of the caller on the other end. "Harry," Harry's heart leapt into his throat, constricting his air much the same way tears would. Finally, Hermione. "Answering machine this time, uh?" her voice was low and sad and Harry swallowed past the lump.

"No, Hermione, I'm here," he said quickly as he ran over to stop the machine. "Hullo?"

"Harry?" she said hesitantly. "Are you there?"

Harry slumped against the wall and smiled. "I'm here," he said on a breath as the relief washed over him.

"Finally," she said. "I've been trying all night."

"I've been waiting all night."

"But you…you weren't there and," she sighed heavily before continuing in a much softer voice, "and then it was busy."

"I tried to go to dinner with Tanya, but something cut it short. I had to leave," he paused to give her a moment to either question his reasons for going out or to ask him what made him decide to leave early. When she didn't speak he went on, "I had to come home. Had to be here."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head. He wanted to tell her everything. He wanted her to know what he was feeling and the realization he'd finally come to that night…but he couldn't. She deserved more than a phone call confession. "How are you?"

"Oh." Harry could hear the unmistakable sound of disappointment in just that one little word and he closed his eyes, silently berating himself for being the cause of it. "Um, I'm okay, I…I guess," she said slowly, her words sounding broken and forced. "Happy birthday!" she added with a note of false enthusiasm.

"Thanks. That's actually why I was out to dinner with Tanya. She insisted on taking me out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. She told me a story while we were there, at the restaurant," he added, trying to change whatever subject it was they weren't talking about. "It reminded me of you."

"Tell me." With her words Harry visualized her leaning back against the wall, making herself more comfortable as she waited to hear his story.

"I don't remember all of the names, but there's this rock, it's shaped like a face…" he went on to tell her about how the princess had been turned to stone and how her beloved pets still watched over her, patiently awaiting the day she would awaken and be with them once again.

"And that reminds you of me?" Hermione asked with a soft chuckle.

"Well, yeah," Harry said, chuckling with her. "When you think about it, you know you'd have done the same thing, right? You'd be staring up into the sky, stubbornly trying to avoid Seatka's eyes."

"True," she agreed. "But I've gotten my stubborn streak from spending so much time with you and Ron. So, if you think about it further, that would mean you'd save my life again, wouldn't it? By teaching me survival tactics."

Harry laughed. "Oh no, that one I'm sure you would've learned on your own. I don't think I've ever really taught you anything anyway, Hermione. You're more the teaching type. You're stronger, smarter, and more patient than I've ever dreamt of being. Do you have any idea what that makes you?"

Hermione cringed at the seriousness with which Harry was speaking. Serious conversation was not what she needed. She was scared that she would reveal too much if they began to speak too seriously. "That I'm a woman and women are naturally better at those things than men?" she asked, forcing her voice to sound light and teasing. "Or, that my momma done raised me right?" she added with a forced accent that made her laugh and cringe again.

"Joke all you want, Hermione. But the truth is…" he paused for a moment, willing himself to not reveal too much, "it makes you a hero. You're my hero."

"Harry, please-"

"I've never had a hero," he said continuing as though she hadn't spoken. "There's never been anyone in my life to look up to the way I do you. There have been people that I admire, people I respect and care about…but no one quite like you. There'll never be another like you either," he finished on a whisper.

"Harry, what…I mean," she sighed, "thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me. You know you've always been that for me, too."

Harry sighed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah," he said heavily, "so I've-"

"Harry stop," Hermione said abruptly. "This is me we're talking about. I've never cared about the boy-who-lived. Don't you see? Because by now you should," she added her voice strong and clear. "It's never been about the chosen one or the boy-who-lived, it's always been about you. Just you. Always."

Harry closed his eyes and let her words wash over him. "It's always been about you. Just you. Always." He didn't know what to say, he didn't know what she wanted to hear. His heart started hammering, his stomach clenched, he opened his mouth to speak, "Hermione, I…" and his words died away, his stomach felt as though it'd dropped down to the floor, and silently he cursed himself for being so weak.

"Is everything all right?" she asked. Hearing his voice drop away as it did, frightened her. "Harry? What-"

"It's fine," he murmured. "I'm fine."

"What have you been doing?" she asked in an attempt to find a `safe' subject to talk about.

"Drawing, mostly," he sort of chuckled when he remembered something Tanya had said, "Hey, Hermione?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you know what Mad Magazine is? There's a red-headed cartoon guy on the front cover."

"I've heard of it, but I'm not sure…" her voice trailed away and he could hear how hard she was thinking about it by the tone she was using.

"It's all right. When Tanya was here to pick me up for dinner there was a picture that I'd drawn of Ron. Considering my lack of artistic ability, I thought it came out pretty good. Apparently, he looks a bit like the guy from the magazine."

Hermione laughed. "He looks like a cartoon character?"

"Yeah," Harry said, shrugging, "I guess so."

"Well, he is a bit on the cartoonish side," she said, continuing to laugh. "I suppose it may not be too much of a stretch. I'd have to see it for myself though. Are you bringing all of that stuff back home with you?"

"I'd have to see it for myself though…I'd have to see it for myself…I'd have to see it…" her words began running through his head and he didn't realize she was still speaking and so he missed her question. See…eyes…Hermione…eyes…sparkle…gone….

"Harry? Are you okay? Are you there?"

"Hermione, the sparkle is gone."

"What?" she asked uneasily. "Harry, I don't understand. What sparkle?"

"Yours," he said as he pushed himself away from the wall and walked to the counter to look at the pictures she'd sent him. "Your sparkle is gone. Why?"

"Harry, you're scaring me," she said, trying to keep her voice calm. "What's going on?"

Harry continued to look at the pictures. "The pictures you sent me," he said by way of explanation.

"Mm-hmm?"

"The sparkle, in your eyes…it's gone. Hermione, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Harry. I just, I'm lonely I guess," she said softly. "Ron has Luna, you're…not here. You're all I've known for seven years. Nothing's really wrong, I just miss you."

Harry's heart felt weighted down and he closed his eyes, holding the picture tight in his fingers. "I miss…." He opened his eyes and looked down at her. "I have to go, Hermione. I'll um, I'll call you soon, okay?"

"Harry, what's going on?"

Harry shook his head. He laid down the picture and picked up a card that was laying close by. "Nothing. I have to go. I'm sorry. I'll explain soon, I promise. Just…know that I miss you, okay?" His voice had taken on a different air as an idea began to grow in his mind.

"I miss you, too, but I'm worr-"

"No!" he practically shouted into the phone. "No worries. Don't worry. I just…I can't right now," he shook his head, "tell you that is. I can't. I have to go. What time is it?" he said, looking up at the clock. "Is it too late to…" his voice trailed away.

"Harry?"

Harry jumped and looked down at the phone. He'd forgotten for a moment that he was holding it. "Hullo?" he said into the receiver. "I need to use the phone. I have to hang up."

"Harry!" Hermione shouted.

"Goodbye," he said distractedly.
………………………………………………………

Hermione called his name once more. And then the line went dead with the click of Harry's phone. She pulled her phone from her ear and stared at it incredulously. "What the bloody hell just happened?" she wondered aloud. She immediately tried phoning him again only to reach yet another busy signal.

She hung up the phone, determined to get through to him again...even if she had to do it when it was 3:00 in the morning in Bandon, Oregon.

………………………………………………………………

Harry dialed the number on the card he held in his hand and reached an answering machine. "Damnit!" he cursed in frustration. He hung up the phone, grabbed another card and dialed again, reaching another answering machine. He listened for a moment to the message and then hung up the phone, laughing at his stupidity. "That place is closed for the night," he mumbled. He rummaged through his stuff and found the number he was looking for. He dialed it and, thankfully, a sleepy voice answered. "Hello?"

"Tanya, this is Harry, I'm sorry to call so late…."

………………………………………………………………

Hermione sat on her bed, staring at her phone and wondering what the hell had happened. She couldn't believe that Harry would hang up on her the way he had. She looked up at Hedwig for reassurance only to find that she had gone. She stared at the owl's empty cage curiously for a couple of reasons. One, she hadn't seen Hedwig leave and Hermione hadn't left the room since Hedwig had flown in. And two, she'd never known Hedwig to leave the sanctity of her cage after the morning sunrise.

Hermione fell back against her pillows. Something wasn't right, and she was beginning to wonder if maybe she'd misread the signs when Hedwig had appeared beside her earlier. She looked skyward and began to cry. "Is this it, Lily? Is this the way it's going to be?" she asked softly, her heart breaking with each word and every thought.

………………………………………………………………

Meanwhile, a man boarded a trans-Atlantic flight. He was shaking almost visibly with excitement. His kind, sparkling eyes caused many a passerby to stop momentarily to smile at him in wonder. He was on his way to finally complete the task he'd been given years ago. He looked up toward the sky and smiled. Very soon, he said, closing his eyes and speaking quietly to the vision in his head.

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