Making Amends
Harry spent the next thirty minutes on the phone with Tanya spelling out everything he needed and getting her advice on the best way to go about getting it. Even in her sleepy state, she could hear the anxiety in his voice and she did the best she could to focus on what it was he needed. Harry was thankful when he hung up the phone…the first part of his plan was being set into motion and he could hardly contain his excitement at the prospect of the final outcome.
The step he took leaving England, leaving Hermione, leaving everything he'd ever known was nothing in comparison to what it was he was doing now. This was the greatest, most life-altering thing he'd done in his life to date and it scared him to no end…and yet it exhilarated him beyond measure. He was ready to put it all on the line and in a very short time his fate would be resting in the hands of the one girl who had always handled him with expert hands and an open mind. He had to believe that now she would include loving heart. He didn't want to think about what the consequences might be if his plan failed. He didn't want to think about anything but her and the way it would feel to finally hold her in all the ways a man held a woman.
He tried the first number once more and reached the answering machine again. "Where are you?" he wondered aloud. He looked at the clock for the first time since he'd spoken with Hermione and realized it was nearing midnight. He hung up the phone and cursed the hands of time and the way they always seemed to slow down when all a person really needed was for them to hurry up.
He picked up the phone and dialed yet another number.
"Hullo?"
"Hermione, it's me, Harry," he said timidly.
"What is it?"
"I'm sorry. I wanted to call and tell you that I'm really sorry for hanging up on you the way that I did. I didn't mean to, I just…"
"Harry, you said goodbye and then you hung up without even waiting for so much as a response from me. How can you honestly tell me that you didn't mean to?"
She was hurt, Harry could hear it in every syllable of every word and as much as it pained him, he still had to keep the truth from her. "Hermione, I'm sorry, I truly am. I can't…" he sighed, exhaling loudly and placing his fingers to the center of his forehead, "tell you right now. Just please-"
"Fine," she said, cutting him off abruptly. "I don't even…" she paused to close her eyes and collect herself. "Fine. Whatever you say, Harry."
"Don't be that way," he pleaded. "This isn't easy for me, Hermione. None of it is. Just please, try to understand. I'm doing the best I can here and I'm bound to make mistakes. Please, just give me time. I'm trying to do this right. I just…I need time."
"And you think I don't?" she countered. "You think all of this is easy for me, Harry? You're, I don't know…forever, away from me right now. I can't look at you, I can't see for myself that you're okay, I can't give you a hug and tell you that everything's going to be all right, and I can't do the one thing I really want to do right now. I can't ki…" she stopped abruptly, catching herself just in time.
"You can't what? What is it you want to do to me right now?"
Hermione closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I can't kick your arse for leaving me alone like this," she said, her voice hitching as she tried in vain to fight back unwanted tears.
Harry laughed. "Is that what you want to do? You want to kick my arse? I'll let you, you know. The minute I see you again, you can kick my arse. Hell, you can do anything you want to me just so long as I can hold you when you're done. You'll keep my arms safe?"
Hermione giggled through her tears. "I think I can do that."
Harry breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks."
"Harry?"
"Yeah?"
"When will you tell me what you're doing? When will I know the real reason why you hung up on me the way you did? I'm having a hard time believing that you did it at all and I'd like to understand your reasoning."
"Soon, I hope. I had an idea…something I had to act on as soon as I thought about it. I got a little sidetracked and I'm sorry for that. I promise though, that the minute it all comes together, you'll know the entire truth. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that you'll be the first to know."
"You mean the second to know, right?" she asked. "Right after you?"
"Not exactly," Harry responded evasively. "Just trust me, you'll see."
"Okay," she sighed. "I do hope it won't be long. Now you've got me intrigued."
"You have no idea how much the suspense is killing me, Hermione. I hope it won't be long, either. I'll get it together as quickly as I can."
She contemplated his words for a moment and then looked up at Hedwig's cage curiously. "You know, something strange happened this morning. Hedwig-"
"Is everything all right?" Harry asked anxiously before she could say another word.
"I hope so," Hermione said slowly. "She disappeared. It was the strangest thing. She flew in my window and instead of going to her cage like she normally does, she landed beside me on the bed. I petted her for a few minutes and then she flew off to perch on her cage. I thought she was sleeping, but by the time I got off the phone with you, she was gone again. Harry, I never saw her leave the room. And she never leaves once she comes back from hunting, not until nightfall anyway. There have even been a couple of times that she's disappeared for a few days at a time. I don't know what's going on with her. Have you known her to do that before?"
Harry sat, looking dumbfounded and staring out into nowhere. "Not like that, no. Maybe she's missing me, you think? You don't suppose she'd ever try to find me, do you?"
Hermione shook her head. "I don't know," she shrugged. "But something's not right."
Harry didn't know what to think, but he needed to find a way to ease Hermione's worries. "I don't know what to say except to let me know when she comes back. I wouldn't worry too much about her though. She would disappear for a few days at the Dursleys, too, when I could finally let her out. I'm sure she'll be back."
"But that was different, Harry, she didn't have free reign there like she does here. But it's more than that," she stood up and walked to the cage, searching for any sign of where or how Hedwig might've gone, "it's like she apparated without a sound. She vanished. She just…vanished."
"Don't worry, Hermione," he said consolingly, "she'll be back. Really, I'm sure that everything's fine. Could you have put your head down and missed her flying out or something? Have you looked all around the room? Maybe she's looking for a dark place to sleep. She might've gotten behind something. Just give it some time, she'll be all right. She'll be back."
"All right," Hermione said as she continued to eye the cage. "I'll give it some time."
"Oh, I didn't tell you earlier, I got your letter."
Hermione's eyes popped open and she stumbled back a step. "You…you did?" she stammered, her voice a high squeak before she attempted to clear her throat. "I mean, really? You got it? It, um, it didn't get lost in the mail then, uh?"
Harry laughed. "Was it supposed to?"
"Er, well, you know, um, couldn't hurt, could it?"
"Well, I'm glad I got it. It's been a long time since I've read a good book."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "It wasn't that long."
"No, it was perfect. Sounds like you and I-"
"…feel about the same way," she finished. "I got your letters too."
"Letters?" Harry banged the back of his head against the wall. "Shite," he muttered.
"Harry, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, it's just…they didn't get lost in the mail, uh?"
It was Hermione's turn to laugh. "Were they supposed to?" she asked, reiterating his question.
"Well, you know, it couldn't hurt, could it?" he laughed. "You know, Hermione-"
"Harry-" she said at the same time.
"Go ahead," Harry said as he closed his eyes and waited for whatever might come next. His fear was that she'd tell him she finally understood her feelings, and that they weren't what he'd hoped they would be.
"No, you go ahead. What were you going to say?" she asked softly.
Harry noted the hesitation in her voice and again, it worried him. "Hermione, what is it? You sound…off, somehow."
"I don't want you to be angry with me."
"Angry…" Harry shook his head. "Why would I be angry? Now you have to tell me what's going on."
Hermione took a deep breath and sighed. "Well, in truth, I don't want to talk about your letters…or mine. I think that what we have to say should be said face to face, no matter how painful the truth might be."
"Pain…? What are you…? What do you mean by painful?"
"Five months, right?" she said softly, avoiding his question. "That's when you'll be home? Five more months?"
"Yeah, but Hermione that's-"
"We can wait that long, Harry," she said cutting him off in a soft, firm voice. "I think it's important that we wait and five more months isn't going to matter at this point."
Harry nodded. "A lot can change in five months, Hermione. What if you…I…" he closed his eyes and sighed, "we…"
"Harry, please," she pleaded. "I can't do this with you. Not like this. What you have to say, what I have to say…it doesn't matter right now. You need this time to find out who you are…with or without me. When you know what you want you won't ever have to doubt again. And that goes for me, too. We need to see each other. I need to look into your eyes to know the truth. I…we can't do this."
Harry sighed. "You're right."
"What?"
"I said you're right. We can't. It's not fair to either one of us." He shrugged his shoulders and looked up at his art canvas. "Maybe I really don't know what it is that's going on inside my head. But you know what?" Without waiting for a response he continued, "Every time I try to shut my mind and release whatever it is I might have bottled up inside of me, it all leads back to you. I put my pencil to the paper and I want to draw the sky. I start with the sun and instead of a circle it becomes a face and before I know it, there you are. You're haunting me, Hermione, and I don't know how to exorcise you from my every waking moment. Hell, I don't even know if I want to," he admitted.
"It's the distance, Harry," she said, trying to find a way to console both of them with her words. "I've been with you almost every single day for the past seven years. This is probably the longest we've been apart. You just miss me, like I miss you. It'll get better."
"Every day it gets worse. Every single day, Hermione. What if it's more than that? What if it's more than time or distance? What if it's…"
"Stop!" she demanded, her voice coarse. "I meant it, Harry. I can't do this. Please," she pleaded once again. "Please don't make me do this."
"I promise you, Hermione," Harry said forcefully, "this will be fine. We won't talk about it. You're right, five months isn't that long, not really." He wondered for a brief moment if Hermione could hear through his voice that he now wore a huge grin on his face. "I'll be seeing you before you know it," he said, his smile spreading wider. "Well, I hope," he muttered as an afterthought.
"What's that? What'd you say? You sort of faded away at the end."
"Oh, nothing, just said that I'll be seeing you before you know it."
Hermione breathed a sigh of relief. "Yeah, before you know it. I can't believe you won't be here for Christmas though, or to celebrate the New Year, or my birthday for that matter."
"Well, you never know, maybe I'll just apparate back to London for a couple of days, surprise you or something."
"Oh, Harry," she sighed, "you know good and well you can't apparate this far. Besides, they'd be able to track you if you did that. No, apparating is out. We'll just have to celebrate it all in February when you get home."
"Christmas in February doesn't sound right, Hermione. Tell you what, since you're saying we can't apparate, why don't we make a video for each other. I remember my Aunt Petunia used to videotape Dudley all the time and send copies of it to other relatives who probably didn't give a damn about it," he shook those thoughts from his head quickly. "Never mind that. How about I see if I can find a camera, you see if you can find one, and then we can make videos to send each other?"
"And maybe we can talk on the phone when we open our gifts to each other, that way we'll be sharing the moment. Well, sort of, anyway. I think it's a great idea, Harry. We actually have a video camera. But what about the tapes? I don't know if my tapes will play in your tape player. How will you watch it?"
"Hermione, I'll find a way. Just make the tape sometime between now and then. In fact, speaking of tapes and tape players, I'm putting a small parcel in the mail for you in the next couple of days. It's an early birthday present. Do me a favor and record the moment you open it, okay? I want to see your reaction. Don't call me before you open it or before you read the card. Just record it so I can see it. Can you do that for me?"
Hermione furrowed her brow as she contemplated Harry's strange request. "When do you want me to send it to you?"
"You'll know," he said. "When you open the package, you'll know."
"Okay," she said, shaking her head in wonder. "I don't understand why, but if you want it recorded, I'll have my dad do it."
"Great," Harry said, his smile growing wider. "Thanks. Actually, wait, you might want to, if it's at all possible, record it on your own. You know, without your dad. You might want to be alone when you open what I'm sending."
"What are you sending, Harry?" Hermione asked anxiously. "You do know the suspense is killing me, right?"
"Yeah, I know it's not easy. But honestly, Hermione, I really can't tell you right now. There's just…there's no way. It really has to wait. I'm sorry…I really am."
"Sorry doesn't help a whole lot, you know," she said, forcing her voice to sound light.
"I know it doesn't, but it's all I've got right now. This isn't going to help either, but I need to go. I have a lot to do in the morning and I want to be sure to get that parcel sent to you. I should probably try to get some rest. I'm not sure how much this is going to entail."
"I should, too. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Of course, it's not like I have anything better to do right now. Mum still won't let me go to work. It's driving me insane."
"Why don't you try to find a place of your own? You know, somewhere they can't watch you so closely."
Hermione shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it's kind of nice knowing how much they care…how much they worry about me. Having mum here is great on days when I can't make sense of anything. I've been away from them so much over the past seven years that giving them this time shouldn't be too big of a deal, should it? I guess I just need to stop complaining about it, huh?"
"Doesn't sound like complaining to me. I know you, Hermione, and I don't doubt for a second that you're bored and restless. Have you seen Ron and Luna yet?"
"No, not yet. But I haven't really tried to contact him either. I forwarded your letter, but I haven't heard anything back. I'm sure that whatever they're doing, they're having a great time doing it."
"Fun with Ron? Well, if they haven't already driven each other stir crazy then you're probably right. They probably are having a great time. I think they work really well together. I'm glad Ron found someone who could make him happy…"
"…and who could put up with him for more than a few minutes at a time."
"Well," Harry chuckled, "there was a time there when I thought you and Ron were going get together. Surprised me when you seemed to just walk away from each other."
"Please," Hermione scoffed. "My crush on Ron was over before it began. There's no love lost between us, that much is for certain. We'd probably be dead now if we'd tried to have any kind of relationship outside of friendship. We would've either killed each other or driven each other mad."
"Well, I'm just glad it's all behind you. You and Ron were rotten for each other. There were a few times I thought sure I'd have to curse either one or the both of you. `bout drove me insane more times than I care to count!"
"Harry?"
"Yeah?"
"You have to go, remember?"
"I do?" Harry shook his head. "Oh, right, sleep. Well, I hope sleep anyway. I feel a bit on the wound-up side, so we'll see. I am glad we got to talk again. Like I said, I'm really sorry for hanging up on you the way I did."
"It's all good, Harry," she said softly. "I may not understand it, but it's all good. You're forgiven."
"That's all that matters, Hermione. Well, that and I hope you trust me enough to know what I'm doing…even though I'm not completely sure myself."
"Trust has never been an issue. It's never been lacking where you're concerned. I've followed you into the fires of hell and back and I'd follow you as many times as you needed me to. I trust you with everything I have."
"Thanks," he said. "I know you would, just as I'd do for you. And there's nothing I have that I wouldn't gladly, willingly give up for, or to, you. I'll be getting in touch with you again soon. When you get my parcel, be sure to read the letter carefully, okay? It's important that you read everything and do…well, you'll see. I'll talk to you real soon. I miss you."
"I miss you too," Hermione replied. "Very much."
"Very much," Harry repeated. "Goodbye."
"See you."
…………………………………………………………………………………………
Harry hung up the phone. "I'll be seeing you soon," he whispered into the air. "And if I have my way, it'll be much sooner than you think."
He grabbed a pen and a piece of parchment then sat down to write the letter that could change his life forever.
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