Nothing to Lose
He's running wild through the streets at night
But he's hiding in the shadows by the break of day
He's got a clip-on Spyderco knife
But it's just for keeping the wolves at bay
It's 2am, fucked up again
He's living in the bottle cause he's living with the pain
Insane, poking his veins, he's standing in the rain
With nothing to lose but everything to gain
Unwanted and unforgiving
He's tired of fighting and he's tired of living here
Swigging beer with nothin' to fear
He's got nothing to lose so he's always winning
He's suffocating, the pain can be excruciating
And liberating, it helps him forget the worlds he's hating
And now he's waiting, there won't be any negotiating
He's got nothing to lose
He's been beaten and he's been bruised
He ain't taking anymore of your abuse
He's had enough of their institutions
And all the rules he was told to obey
They offered him no solutions
So he hit the street before they put him away
In a deprogramming youth care center
To rid him of his insubordinate ways
"You know that boy ain't right" is what you hear his parents say
Down on the world and down on his luck
he's got nothing to lose so he don't give a fuck
about shit taking risks in the street throwing bricks
he's got nothing to lose but you've drove him to this
Trying hard to forget the past
he's sleeping under the overpass
of 1-95 just trying to survive
just waiting for the moon to arise
Against All Authority - Nothing to Lose
00oo00oo00
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," James muttered under his breath as he moved swiftly through the corridors, his hands clenched to his side and his eyes stinging with suppressed emotion. He let out a hollow growl.
"Fuck!" he shouted as he kicked the stone wall, and continued down the hall, ignoring the pain shooting through his leg.
Pausing for a few seconds at the base of the stairs leading up to his room, he moved away from them, to the opposite direction. Deciding to go elsewhere, he moved toward the Entrance Doors and walked outside quickly as not to be noticed. Fastening his pace he made his way to the Womping Willow, wanting to get as far away from the angel of his nightmares.
00oo00oo00
"Emma?" Lily tugged her friend again, trying desperately to wake her up. Finally, she climbed into her bed and muttered a silencing spell as she closed the curtains around them.
"Emma!!" Lily shouted into her friend's ear. Emma in turn sprang up from her sleeping state and looked around wildly, searching for the source that disrupted her sleep.
"What the fuck?" she cursed loudly. But when her eyes fell on Lily's bloodshot eyes and tears-streaked face she sobered up dramatically.
"Lily, what's wrong?" she asked worriedly.
"James," Lily replied before letting out a small sob.
"What did he do now?" she growled dangerously. Lily shook her head vigorously.
"No! He didn't do anything. I-" she said quickly, stopping to sniff.
"What did you do?" Emma changed sequence and raised an eyebrow at her, but when Lily didn't answer she began getting worried.
"Lily?" She repeated questioningly.
Within a second, Lily had let out a cry of pain, causing Emma's heart to clench with fear and foreboding. She had never seen Lily so lost and vulnerable in her entire life of knowing her and she didn't know what she could do to help. Lily had buried her face in Emma's pillow, unable to let herself be seen crying. Emma stroked her hair trying to soothe her.
"Lily, please tell me what's wrong," she whispered, her voice didn't come out normal, she noticed, as she kept looking over Lily. Soon she gave up asking her and settled for making soothing sounds to help her relax. When Lily seemed to have calmed down soon after, Emma began questioning her again.
"What happened with James, Lily?" she repeated her question in a low voice.
"I kissed him," she admitted in a dazed tone, not looking at her.
"You what?" Emma asked stunned. Silenced followed.
"I kissed him," she repeated in a faint voice, more to herself than to Emma, "and he kissed me back," she went on, a single tear flowing down her cheek. Emma was about to say something but Lily began talking again. Yet she couldn't help but feel a bit shaky about the state her friend was in.
"But then he told me, he begged me, to leave him alone. And he left, just left. He didn't even turn back," she continued in that empty voice, still refusing to look at her. Emma didn't know what else to do but stroke her hair, yet subconsciously her other hand balled into a fist.
"Bastard." she snarled. Lily shot her a glare from her lying position. Emma felt a shiver move down her spine by the fact that this was the only time she had acknowledged her.
"Don't call him that!" she snapped. Emma looked at her in surprise.
"But Lils-" she began but Lily interrupted her again, this time her eyes were softer devoid of any happy emotion. Her eyes were glazed over with tears and empty at the same time.
"I deserved it Em," she whimpered, another tear streaking down her cheek, and in a deadly tone, that caused Emma's hears to beat twice as fast with worry, "I did."
"What? Why did you deserve it Lily? No one deserves to be treated like shit," Emma retaliated, her temper rising, trying to guard her friend and herself from the sense of fear she was beginning to feel. Lily paid no heed to her friend's temper and sniffed, giving her a glance.
"Then it's just a taste of my own medicine," was all she said. Emma looked at her strangely.
"What do you mean by that?" she asked confused, anger now forgotten. Her hand stopped moving over her head. Lily lay silent and emotionless before speaking again.
"I broke him Em. Last year, I broke him. Last year he told me he loved me. And I just-" she took in a deep breath, trying to stop the tears from reappearing, "I just walked away. Without even turning back," her voice trailed off into a void.
"So? That's happened loads of times before," Emma reasoned. Lily sighed and gave a slight shudder wondering how she would be able to tell her.
"Not exactly," she whispered and turned her face in the pillow once again, this time mumbling something. Emma didn't understand anything.
"What?" she asked perplexed.
"We were sleeping together," she repeated once again, in a louder tone, against the pillows. She turned her head to see Emma's expression, although all she wanted to do was to just run away.
Emma's eyes were twice their normal size as she gazed at her. Through them Lily could distinguish different emotions that were plaguing her friend's mind. Anger, surprise, pity and even disbelief. Her hand traveled to her mouth as if to prevent a scream. A few minutes had to pass before she could speak again, but when she did Lily wanted to be far away.
"You what?!" she almost screeched, her hand still firmly placed over her mouth. Lily was glad that the Silencing Spell was still strong.
"Last year, well from last Halloween until about six or seven months ago, James and I were sleeping together," she whispered against the pillow. It was the first time she had let anyone know, and frankly she wish she hadn't.
"You what?" Emma repeated in a hollow whisper, her eyes fixed on Lily. "You were sleeping with my boyfriend's best friend? Even when he broke up with me, you were screwing his best friend?" she asked, anger boiling under her skin.
Lily gulped, not knowing what to do or say. She had forgotten that part of last year. Emma was going out with Remus Lupin, but after something that had occurred in January, he had broken up with her and refused to talk to her, or anyone, for quite some time. Emma was distraught and she had refused to leave her dormitory for a week. Lily herself didn't know what had happened to Remus but she knew that it concerned all the Seventh Year Gryffindors, for they had all changed after that. Even James had, but when Lily ever try to ask him, he would find one way or another to shut her up. She visibly grimaced at the flash of remembrance in her mind at how successful he had been.
"Emma, it's not like that. I-" but she was cut off by Emma.
"So you weren't screwing Potter when I was locked up in here?" she asked with venom, raising an eyebrow.
"Actually no," she said matter-of-factly, "I was right here next to you through the entire week. I didn't even see James then. And when I did see him after that, I was trying to find out what happened because if you had opened your eyes, it wasn't only Remus in a bad mood. All of them, Remus as well as James, Sirius and Peter, looked like they had seen someone die," Lily retaliated, pain forgotten for now. Why was she being like this?
"That doesn't matter Lily. You went behind my back. You knew how I felt at the time but you still went with the closest person he had," Emma went on. Lily raised an eyebrow at her attitude.
"Emma? What the hell is wrong with you?" Lily asked taken aback.
"Nothing! Just nothing," Emma snapped at her, falling back on her pillow as if to sleep, turning her back away from her. Lily stared at her for a few seconds before lying down next to her and putting an arm around her.
"You still miss him don't you?" she asked in a small voice. Silence followed the question for a long time. Eventually Emma turned to her and they looked into each other's swollen eyes and nodded, as tears glided down from her eyes.
Frustrated with herself, she wiped her eyes furiously with her hands and managed a small and painful laugh. Lily tried not to flinch at the sound of it, but she felt extremely stupid for not being there for her friend.
"Look at me," she said, "crying over something dead," she muttered darkly, turning to the ceiling.
"Em-" Lily tried to talk to her, but Emma stopped her.
"So tell me Lils, what happened with James?" she changed the subject. Lily mentally told herself that she should talk to Emma about Remus when she was calmer.
"Well, last year, we were sleeping together, no strings attached, you know?" she began, remembering the story painfully.
"So he was your first?" Emma asked mixed between intrigue and horror. Never in a million years would she ever imagine her best friend, Lily Evans, giving herself so willingly to a man she then hated.
"Yea, and you know the funny thing?" Lily said in a strange voice. Emma merely looked at her, signaling her to continue, "I don't regret it," she finished and looked at her.
"Seriously? You didn't even like the guy then Lily. You don't have an ounce of regret?" Emma asked.
"No. I think that if there were any ideal man for me to lose my virginity to, it would be James. And I did. I have nothing to regret about that. He was amazing. But I broke him and that's the only thing that I regret," she went on honestly, but she couldn't help the tears that began showing themselves again.
"But how Lily? How do you think you broke him?" Emma pushed. Lily took a deep breath.
"He asked me out in April. About six months after we began sleeping together. I said no and I broke the whole thing off. Within the next week after that, I started going out with Derek," she moved on, her voice began to break.
"And James? What did James do? How did he take it?" Emma asked in pure curiosity. She had known James better than the rest of the Marauders as they were in fact cousins. And she knew that something like that happening would just tear him apart. There was more to James than what he portrayed.
"I don't know. I didn't see him that first week. No one did, but I don't think he took it very well, " she admitted to her friend. Emma raised an eyebrow at her," he told me he loved me Em. He looked into my eyes and he told me that. And I- I don't know.." she trailed off, scared to finish the sentence.
"You got freaked out," Emma completed for her. Lily bent her head low and nodded.
"I didn't want him to change for me, Emma, I didn't want him to have to compromise his antics and us to fall into a way of normality and familiarity. James was always so childlike and perfect, and a relationship would destroy that. He wouldn't be so unpredictable to me anymore and he would be quieter around me, and all that. It scared me Em, because I-" she stopped herself once more.
"You were falling for him weren't you?" Emma guessed when Lily went silent again. This time Lily didn't move.
"Lily, I love you as if you were my own sister ok? But this image you have about relationships is all wrong. I know that you didn't have such a nice childhood, but you shouldn't let that bring down what you had with James. You only think that now because you haven't gone out with anyone you've actually loved. But when you find that one person, you know that he wont mind changing because they'll have you, and that's what would matter to them the most, and you'll change for them for exactly the same reason," Emma explained.
"That point in your relationship, where you become familiar with each other, is perhaps the best of all. You won't have to speak to explain what you feel, with a plain look and you'd be able to tell exactly what he's thinking. What you have will grow, it can't always be childlike and perfect. Of course it would change some things but only for the better. You just never experienced that before. Its beautiful, Lily. There are things that you should just not fight, and this is one of them. But when you just let it pass you by, just because you're so scared to allow yourself to enjoy it, you miss out on one of the most amazing things that life has to offer you. I know that mine and Remus' relationship ended and that it isn't one of the most perfect examples but that doesn't mean that yours and James' would do the same, " she went on. She was painfully aware that she still loved Remus as much as last year and that tears were forming at the memories.
Lily stared at her friend in awe. She had never thought that anyone could say something so, so deep and targeted. Yet Lily still couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. Her parents weren't in love and yet their relationship had fallen into a horrifying sense of formality and fakeness. They had divorced the year before, which was partly the reason as to why Lily had gone to James in the first place. Lily had no faith in relationships, they scared her. That's what was so great about the arrangement with James. Only she hadn't calculated on a few things.
"Lily?" Emma tried to get her attention. That caught her attention and she flung her arms around her friend.
"Oh, Emma! I don't know that to do anymore," she whimpered against her.
"You need to talk to him Lily," she soothed her by caressing her hair again. Lily shook her head.
"I can't do that. He won't even look at me anymore, except to sneer at me," Lily said fearfully.
"Then I don't know what I can tell you hun," Emma whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks, for herself and for Lily.
00oo00oo00
"And don't come back till you're sober!" the old man yelled from the door, to the young one who was on the floor after he tripped himself over his own feet.
"Fine!" the man, yelled back. He began getting up and started to dust himself down, "Fucking idiot," he muttered.
He started walking, or actually staggering, down the street. With a final glare towards the small bar, Hog's Head, he let out a drunken laugh and pulled out a bottle of firewisky from the inside pocket of his cloak and took a deep sip.
"Take that you old fart" he whispered. Then he raised the bottle in the air and slurred, "Fuck you Lily Evans!" and drank some more.
He made his way to a place he knew well, a small garden like park that had a few benches that overlooked the small village. By the time he got there, the bottle only had half of its content left. He sat down on one of the benches and put down the bottle in front of him, on the ground. He set his elbows on his knees and passed his hands through his messy hair.
"Fuck!" he swore when he realized he couldn't get her out of his mind.
Images and feelings flooded him to the extent that he punched the bench he was siting on. Images of what they went through the year before. How she felt when their bodies were so close together. Her hands in his hair. His hands on her waist. Heat radiating from her body, hotter and hotter by the second.
He held the bottle to his lips as he took deep breaths. Flashes of the past went through his mind all the while. Her hot breathe against his body. Her eyes full of desire just before the end. It was all tormenting him.
"Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily," he moaned as a single tear made its way to his chin. He took another gulp of the drink in his hands.
He sat there in the darkness, allowing the past to unfold itself in his mind all over again, not even fighting the pain he felt cursing through his body at the mere memory of her. Slowly and unwillingly, he let his hand drop to the bench, where he fingered a carving. Knowing what it was he didn't want to glance at it, but the undying urge to do so overwhelmed him, so he gave in.
I'll love you forever Lily
"I'll love you forever Lily," he whispered as he remembered carving it into the wood last Valentine's Day. "Even though I don't want to," he added to himself as he drank some more.
As the bottle was getting empty, his head was becoming more and more light, but he didn't want to stop. He wouldn't until she was out of his mind. He just needed something more to drink. With that last thing in mind, he got up with the intention of going to find another bar open. He didn't manage to get very far as he fall over and landed on his back. Unable to get up he resigned to his position, finally feeling the alcohol take hold of him, wanting it's side effects. But the only thing it didn't do, was destroy the image of her. In fact it became stronger and clearer.
He shuffled through his cloak once more and pulled out a small mirror from his pocket and stared at it for a few moments, as if forgetting why he had pulled it out.
"Sirius Black," he muttered in a drunken state. Nothing happened.
"Padfoot," he hiccuped. Something was beginning to happen on the other side of the mirror.
"Sirius," he whined again. Slowly a sleepy face appeared in the reflection of the mirror. His best friend looked at him groggily and was about to shout at him but suddenly stopped.
"James?" he asked in amazement and worry.
"Yup," James hiccuped again.
"What the hell? Where are you? Are you ok?" He questioned fast. He seemed to be changing clothes for some reason.
"Oh, everything's dandy Paddy,." James slurred. Sirius seemed to stop for a second and looked at James.
"James are you drunk? Where the fuck are you?" he almost barked. James started laughing and Sirius looked at him with a raised eyebrow
"I'm at the bench of Hell," James said in an emotionless tone. It took Sirius a few seconds to understand what he had meant.
"You mean the bench of Love? Stay there. I'm coming to get you. Don't do anything stupid," Sirius growled and snatched a cloak.
"And spoil all my wonderful plans of throwing myself off a cliff," James replied in a sarcastic inebriate. Sirius rounded on him in a dark way.
"Don't you even joke about that James. Now stay there," he all but howled.
"Bring something to drink will you?" he asked after him, ignoring his friend's warning. He was answered by a slam of the door.
"Damn! Someone's got his panties in a twist," he mumbled, dropping the mirror to the ground.
As he lay there on the ground, he stared at the sky above him, wondering if he'd ever be able to get away from Lily's hold. Slowly small drops of water began falling over his body, acceding with might by the second. He shuffled to get up, but he fell back down as his head was spinning. Resigning he lay there, rain falling over him, soaking him to the bone, but he didn't seem to mind. Instead he welcomed it.
One of his hands found its way to his trouser pocket where he played with something in it. He smiled mirthlessly at the new memory of last Christmas. He pulled out the muggle pocketknife that was given to him by her. She said that it would help get him out of any bad situation.
Well it almost worked last time, he thought.
He flipped it open and observed the blade, as it was the most interesting thing in the world. All the while, rain was falling heavier and heavier on his body. He gave into a shudder brought to him by the cold. He played with the blade with his fingers, but he never applied pressure to go deeper.
"James?" he heard a voice in the distance coming very close. He didn't bother answering back though, he knew he'd find him eventually. He continued staring at the blade.
"Prongs?" Sirius' voice came again. This time much closer.
"Hey Siri," James greeted in a small voice. Unfortunately it was not heard as at that moment thunder exploded from the sky.
"James! What the fuck are you doing?" Sirius exclaimed when he found him. James merely looked at him with a strange glint in his eyes. Suddenly he saw the pocketknife in his hands and fear overwhelmed him. He bent down and snatched it out of his hold.
"Hey!" He protested for a second, but that worry was soon forgotten when he glanced at his friend's hands. "Did you bring anything to drink?" He asked, ignoring his friend's questions.
"No. What are you doing down there?" he questioned, in turn ignoring James' grimace at the mention of no more drinks.
"I fell, what does it look like?" he grumbled, staggering to get up again.
"Well why didn't you get up?" Sirius went on stupidly.
"You think I didn't try that?" James growled, quickly getting agitated. Sirius placed an arm under his and around his waist, to help him up. When James was standing, Sirius tried to move his arm but soon found out that James would fall to the ground again if he did. So clenching his teeth he helped James walk until they reached their dorm rooms.
"You so owe me for this James," he scoffed at him as they walked through Hogsmade. James seemed to be in his own world though, as he began losing consciousness .
"James, you better not pass out before we get there I swear!" Sirius moaned.
"Ok Paddy, I promise," James said in a tiny voice. Sirius would have laughed if the matter weren't so grave. He made a mental note to hide the pocketknife back in a better place than before, instead of stuffing it in his trunk again. How did he find it anyway?
They reached the Shack and Sirius wondered for a brief second on how he would take him into the castle without the teachers noticing. As a final decision he decided to leave him in the Shack and go and get his Invisibility cloak. As he settled his drunken friend on the battered sofa, he couldn't help but pity him. He turned to leave but was stopped at his friend's voice.
"Sirius?" he almost choked. Sirius turned around and watched him closely, the sight breaking his heart.
"James?" questioned tiredly.
"I love her, you know," James whispered in a slur, closing his eyes slowly.
"I know James. I know," Sirius answered back as he turned away. Only James didn't hear him. He had blacked out.
00oo00oo00
radcliffeluvslave ~> hehe unfortunately it's not going to be so easy. They will suffer through a few things, with and without each other until then. But you'll see, just stick around
Alex C. Potter ~> Thank you very much for the vote of confidence hehe. Yup the tension is quite thick huh? But that's nothing to what's coming * evil laugh * Again sorry for the delay. Many things have popped up during the last time of my updating and I'm incredibly sorry for the long wait (again)
Anu ~> You'll see. There are a few stuff that haven't been revealed yet, but when they will you'll see.
Anonymous ~> Thank you and your review made mine hehe. And thanks for the good luck. I sure needed it
Hazeleyedmarauder ~> thanks hehe and don't worry getting off topic I usually do. you're home schooled? That sounds wicked. Is it?
Hazy Dayz ~> two reviews? Nice to know you care about this story so much as to send a threat as well hehe. Sorry for the wait though, my computer was busted for two weeks. But I've been working on the next chapter so that's ok. What did you think of this chapter?
Anonymous ~> Thank you very much and I hope you'll still read and love it no matter how long I take to update it hehe. And I agree; James is yummy
Bananaslugg22 ~> Thanks, and you sound a bit surprised hehe. Well as for Lily being the one hanging, I just thought that she should do it once and a while and see what James feels like
Tania ~> Thank you! That's exactly what I wanted to achieve and I'm glad you liked it
Babbling ~> Very true, but it appears that they've removed it yet again so I'll just be posting on this site. Thank you for your kind words and hope you like where its going. Or at least where it will be going. Btw I like your nickname hehe
Halfbloodedprincess ~> thanks for you're er.. hyperactive expressions? Hehe but unfortunately they wont be hooking up any time soon. Well at least in the sense of going out together. But you'll see
Jesse81358 ~> working on the flashback and I'm trying to put it into the next chapter some how, but we'll see. Very sorry for the long wait for this chapter, my computer was messed up, but I hope you still like it
Anonymous ~> Glad you love it and sorry for the long wait, yet again. Thanks for the luck, needed as much as I could have gotten hehe
Tallblond1 ~> hehe glad you liked it and hope you still do
A/N hey everyone! Before you all start throwing stuff at the screen for the way it finished or even for the long update. I'd like to apologize for the long wait. Unfortunately my computer suffered many hardships listing form no connection to the internet for a week and a half, not switching on, and being bashed by me. But now the chapter's up and there will be a much little wait for the next chapter as it is almost finished. Hope you liked this chapter and tell me so in a review hehe. Bye bye for now. Love you all!!! xXx