Cry
I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.
You and I have been through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.
I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
James Blunt - Cry
00oo00oo00
There she was, lying right next to him. Like she always did after a night together. But the dawn would come and she would leave. Like she always did after the first rays of the sun appeared.
He still couldn't fathom what was happening between them. But he knew he didn't want to lose it. He knew she didn't want to either; he could see it in her eyes every night.
He stroked a strand of red hair that had fallen over her face. She stirred, slowly opening her eyes, a small smile forming on her lips.
"Morning sunshine," he said returning her smile. That's what he'd always said when she woke up.
"Morning handsome," she answered. That's whet she'd always answered when he did. He bent down and kissed her soundly on her lips. A kiss that was nothing like the nights that they had spent together. Innocent and feather light.
But something was different now. They weren't in bed anymore. They were in the kitchen?
Ah, yes, the kitchen! How could he ever forget the kitchen?
It was the first time she had told him her idea. Three days before Halloween. He had gotten hungry in the middle of the night. He had found her in the kitchen, crying.
They were kissing now, just like they were the night before, violently and full of need, right there in the kitchen. She told him that she needed him, she wanted him. But he couldn't do it. She was vulnerable; he couldn't take advantage of that. She was insisting.
She was very smart, and she used it to her advantage. He knew what she was doing but she couldn't stop her. Somehow he didn't want to. In his heart of hearts he knew why though, but he feared it.
She managed to get them both in detention, on Halloween. They had missed the feast. But somehow neither of them cared.
They were kissing again. But not in the kitchen. They were in the Trophy Room again. This time he didn't stop, he didn't pull away. Instead they had gone the whole way.
Right there, on the floor.
He saw himself take off her clothes, slowly. Saw her take his clothes off. Saw them kiss, over and over again.
His own hands moved over her body, caressing her every curve. He kissed her chest and heard her moan his name, full of lust and passion, as her hands moved over his back and hair.
They had ignored the fact that they were in detention and that they were supposed to be cleaning, or the fact that what they were doing was something that they would both cherish deep in their hearts, although unknown to both of them at the time.
They became one that very night. They didn't know it, but they had created a bond so unique that even pain could not break. Not even death.
They had pretended nothing happened between them the following morning. That was the deal. They fought over nothing, creating a distraction for everyone around them. But if had anyone had paid attention to detail would see the glances they shot each other, or the knowing smiles they had when they caught each other's eyes.
He knew that now. They weren't the most subtle they could have been. He could see it clearly, as he found himself in the Great Hall, watching her again. He smiled.
He hadn't smiled in a long time. Merlin did it feel good.
But he wasn't smiling anymore.
They were standing on the Astronomy Tower, watching the falling stars. About six months after their first contact, on Halloween.
"Lily, I love you. Why don't you just give us a chance?" he could hear his voice coming out.
"James, you know that you mean a lot to me, but-" she couldn't continue. He knew he wouldn't like the answer but he wanted to hear it.
"But what Lily?" his voice was low, almost a whisper. He hated hearing his voice so small. He wanted to run, or close his ears.
"I-I-I'm not in love with you," she stammered, not looking at him. She watched as a single star fell to the earth.
"You don't mean that! I know you don't. You cant," he was getting desperate.
"But I can, James, I don't," this time she looked at him, before she turned around to leave. Something stopped her. His hand. He had grabbed her and she could see water in his eyes.
"Lily," he whispered, but she had merely looked at his hand that was still clutching hers. He had removed it in an instant. That was it.
She had turned around once more to leave. This time he didn't stop her. He watched her leave, not knowing that the tears that flowed from his eyes matched the ones that fell from hers.
Instead he had turned to the stars and watched them fall, losing their light. Only one star didn't fall to the ground. It was falling towards him.
Everywhere was covered in bright light before he was found in that room again. He was on his knees and his hands covered his eyes. He was crying, just like he was the last time. He uncovered his eyes and looked down at his hands. They were covered in something red.
Was it red?
No, it was blood.
His blood.
James bolted up from bed, sweating and trembling. The first thing he noticed was that he wasn't in his Head room. He recognized the black curtains that surrounded the bed, from his last six years of living in Hogwarts. He was in the 7th year dormitories. He felt the heat of the sun as he sat there, and presumed that it was morning, despite the fact that the curtains were closed around him. He opened them slowly, expecting to find his friends in the room. He didn't.
What the fuck? He thought to himself. He looked at his watch.
"Two thirty???" he almost yelled. This had never happened to him. He'd always woken up before the sun even went up.
He tried standing up but all the blood in his body seemed to rush up to his head, so he sat back down on his bed, holding his head to his hands.
What had happened last night? He tried to remember.
He remembered a lot of drinking. Had he gotten drunk? If he had, then how in Merlin's name could he be here?
Suddenly he could feel everything that he had drunk last night fight their way up his throat. Quickly, ignoring the spinning of the room as he did so, he stood up and ran to the bathroom, and not being able to hold in everything for much longer, he bent over the toilet and vomited.
00oo00oo00
He stared at her from afar, and although he was still a good distance away, he couldn't help but growl in her direction. There were things that he still didn't know about what had happened between her and James, and he never liked to interfere without knowing two sides of the argument, but seeing James like he had last night, again, he just couldn't vanquish his anger.
He wanted to go up to her and start yelling at her for doing that to James, but whenever the thought appeared in his mind, he thought better of it when he imagined James' reaction to it. He'd be vivid, probably hit him.
"Padfoot why the hell are you growling at the wall?" he heard Remus ask him with amusement. Sirius let out a small growl, which didn't go down so well with his friend, because as he turned around to see him he was frowning.
"Just thinking of thumping something and it looked like a good enough victim," was he said and looked down at his book. They were in Transfiguration once again; the last lesson of the day, but it appeared that no one could pay much attention, not even the teacher.
Professor McGonagall had asked where James had been, and while neither Remus or Peter knew the answer to that, Sirius had told her he wasn't feeling well. The professor couldn't seem to see why, and so resigned the case, yet there was something troublesome in the situation that didn't manage to leave her mind.
"Care to elaborate buddy?" Remus asked tentatively.
"No," he answered with another growl as he continued to stare at Lily.
If he had let go of his anger long enough, he would have seen that Lily didn't look so well either. She wasn't paying attention in the lesson and was scribbling something on a spare piece of parchment, then passed it on to Emma.
He hasn't been to any of the classes today, Em; I'm getting really worried.
He'll be fine Lily. You heard Sirius; he's just a bit sick, that's all.
But he was fine last night.
Then he might have just went out for a bit, last night, and caught a bit of a cold.
Do you really think so?
Truth? Not really? But I still don't think its anything to be worried about.
But there has to be something wrong with him. Why isn't he in class?
Slept in?
James doesn't sleep in Em. He always wakes up before sunrise. Always.
If you keep thinking that, it's no wonder you're worried. Just don't think about it.
How can I not think about it? He was fine last night, but he's not here now. He wouldn't miss an entire day of classes no matter what.
He's fine Lily.
That's not very reassuring Em. I'm still worried.
Then go ask Sirius after class.
Maybe I will.
Maybe you should. But be very careful cos it seems that he's trying to burn a hole through your head at the moment.
Then that settles it. There's something wrong with James.
Always on the bright side aren't you?
Always.
Why does there have to be something wrong with James?
Because he was fine last night. And Sirius is trying to kill me with his eyes.
That doesn't prove anything.
Yes, it does.
What does it prove?
That there's something wrong with James.
Argh! The bell's about to ring, why don't you go ask Sirius.
I will.
Just then, the bell rang and everyone began packing their bags and made their way out of the classroom. Except one person, Lily Evans. She lingered behind, after telling Emma she'd meet her at lunch, trying to catch Sirius' eye.
"Oi, mate," Remus nudged his friend. Sirius turned around to face him, but he merely pointed to Lily on the other side of the room.
"Meet you at lunch," Sirius told him and moved away. Remus felt an odd feeling of foreboding as he swore he had seen a wolfish grin playing on his friend's lips. As a hunting dog going in for a kill. He shook his head and made his way out of the classroom with the rest of the class.
As he walked to lunch, his eyes caught the movement of long black hair and he struggled to maintain a stable heartbeat as he focused on something else.
"It's over Moony. Get over it," he muttered to himself.
"What was that, Moony?" Peter appeared next to him.
"Nothing Wormtail. Nothing," he told him.
00oo00oo00
"You waned to talk to me Evans?" Sirius asked, unable to keep the anger out of his voice, once they were out of the class.
Lily flinched at the sound of it, taking it as a bad sign, but went along with her decision to talk to him anyway.
"Where's James?" she blurted out.
"What do you care?" Sirius snapped. Lily looked surprised. Sirius smiled menacingly, knowing he had caught her.
"Just a bit worried. He seemed perfectly fine last night at the detention," she told him apprehensively, fighting to keep the images from appearing in her mind for the billionth time that day.
"Was that before or after you screwed him over?" he almost barked. All the anger he kept inside him was finally let out.
Lily was more than surprised at his outburst. More of what he was saying rather than what he said it. Did he know anything? Had James told him? When? Her attention went back to Sirius Black, who was now living up to his family name.
"Leave him the fuck alone, Evans. He told me about last year and I though that you had just freaked out on him. But after last night.. I somehow don't think so," he growled.
Lily remained silent for a few minutes. She regained her state of mind only when she saw Sirius turn to leave. She placed a hand on his arm to prevent him form doing so. Sirius' head snapped at her and she withdrew it almost instantly. His eyes were enough to kill someone at that moment and she actually feared that it might be her.
"Did- did James tell you what happened last night?" she asked, her voice trembling.
"No. He didn't have to. I saw the state he was in. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out," he wanted to continue. To make her understand how much pain she had inflicted on his best friend. He wanted her to feel like he had done. But he was cut short when she began to talk.
"Well apparently it doesn't!" she almost yelled. Silence followed shortly before she went on to a strangled kind of talking again. "I kissed him, sure, but he walked away. When I followed him he just turned around and kissed me. He kissed me like he'd never kissed me before," she said in a strong voice, unaware that there were tears in her eyes.
"Of course he kissed you Evans! He's in love with you for fuck's sake!" he yelled. Then everything had gone silent. Lily stared at him with wide eyes, filled with disbelief. Sirius had shut his eyes and mentally began to hit himself.
"What did you just say?" she asked in a small voice. Sirius remained with his eyes closed.
"Oh shit," he whispered as he shook his head.
"He's in love with me?" her small voice remained, only it was a bit more strained. Sirius opened his eyes, revealing stone cold gray irises.
"It doesn't matter what I said. I cant risking losing him again. He's the only family I have left; him and his parents. Leave him alone Lily. He doesn't deserve to go through all that again," was all he said, his voice as cold as his eyes, before he walked out of the class.
This time she hadn't stopped him. She thought that she would be able to get some answers out of Sirius Black, but all she had managed to gain were more questions.
He's in love with me? She thought. Then something else that Sirius had said came to his mind.
"I can't risk losing him again," he had said.
Had James tried to..?
00oo00oo00
Neither Lily nor Sirius had gone to lunch after their meeting. Somehow they couldn't even think straight, let alone eat. Lily was troubled by what Sirius had said, and wondered what had happened so he could almost lose his best friend, but somehow, in her heart of hearts, she knew; and she hated herself. Sirius was also troubled by what he had said.
"James is going to kill me," he muttered as he made his way to Gryffindor Tower.
00oo00oo00
Emma kept glancing at the Great Hall's doors, waiting impatiently for Lily to show up, but she didn't. She was getting worried. Sirius Black didn't look like he was in a very good mood that afternoon, and she wondered if it had to do with what had happened last night. She waited until Lily would come but she never did.
"Hi, Emma," someone said behind her. Her blood froze and her heart beat relentlessly to try and get it pumping again. It didn't work. She tried breathing, which still didn't work, so she remained sitting, with her back to the person talking to her.
"Em?" he asked in bewilderment. Why wasn't she answering? Should he go? He didn't even know how he managed to walk there in the first place.
"Err hi, Remus," she mumbled trying to show disinterest, despite the fact that all her senses were now driving her mind to him.
For a few awkward moments he stood there, not knowing what to do or what to say. She didn't look all that pleased to see him there and he thought that he should probably leave. But as a second thought came into his mind he took the seat next to her, surprising her even more.
"Emma, can we talk privately some time? I really need to clear the air about last year. I feel like I should explain and I couldn't stand it if you'd ever hated me," he spoke fast and it took a few seconds for her to understand what he had said. When she did, she looked uncomfortable and Remus immediately thought that he had just done one of the biggest mistakes of his life.
"Remus I don't- I mean its not even possible for me to hate you. It's just that I-" but at that moment her eye caught something at the door. Lily was standing in the shadows and was staring at her with tears in her eyes. When she caught her friend's eye she turned around and rushed outside.
"Lily?" she muttered to herself. Remus looked confused at the strange changed of subject.
"Lily?" he repeated to her, in a form of asking what she meant.
"Oh! Nothing. I'm really sorry Remus but I have to go. We'll talk some other time ok?" she told him and without waiting for an answer, she stormed out of the Great Hall.
"Right," Remus sighed dejectedly. He should have never tried to talk to her, but he couldn't stay away from her. Even in his dreams, he has conversations with her. Just like the ones they used to have when they were together.
He sighed one more time, before finally getting up to go to their dormitory. Suddenly, he wasn't feeling so hungry.
00oo00oo00
Emma rushed out of the Great Hall and through the Entrance Doors blindly, not knowing exactly where Lily might be. Following her instincts, she ran to the furthest tree, on the South bank of the lake. Lily had gone there, when her parents had divorced the year before. Though she wasn't crying then, Emma knew she liked the solitude of where the tree stood.
She fastened her pace, in fear that that may not be the case this year. when she saw the outline of Lily's figure against the tree, she knew that she was right and she ended up running to her friend.
At first she didn't say anything. Instead she sat next to her sad friend and waited patiently for her to explain. While she waited, she couldn't help and wonder at Remus' behavior. Why had he come to talk to her? Why after so long? Did she even want to know? Deciding to stop thinking about it, just as abruptly as she had started, she turned to Lily and asked her what had happened.
"I know how James took it," she said in a small voice, looking at the ground, unable to look at her best friend. The cousin of the person she loved the most. Yes, she knew it now and she knew she couldn't hide from it anymore, there was no point. It was too obvious. And Emma would hate her for what she had done to him.
"How he took what?" Emma asked confused. Her mind was still mixed up in thoughts and feelings due to a meeting from someone from her past.
"Me going out with Derek," she said, this time looking at her, wondering what was going on in her mind to make her so distracted. Emma showed no sign of letting information about it show.
"How did he take it?" she asked, a feeling of dread growing in the pit of her stomach. It must have been bad, if it had her friend crying.
"He tried to kill himself," she muttered in a strangled voice as more tears fell from her eyes, again averting her eyes from her friend's.
"He what?!?" she shouted in surprise. Why was she just hearing about this? Why hadn't Sirius told her? Or anyone?
"I'm not saying it again. You heard me," she whispered with trembling lips. It was hard enough saying it once, she could never be able to say it twice.
"How do you know? Did Sirius tell you?" she questioned quickly, running a hand through her hair, suddenly feeling very apprehensive.
"Well not in so many words but that was the general meaning. But -" she went on to explain before she was cut of by Emma.
"What exactly did he say, Lily?" she pleaded with her friend to tell her. Lily looked a bit lost and ended up fumbling over her words.
"He said that he couldn't lose him again. That James and James' parents were all he had left. That he didn't deserve to go through all that he went through again," she hurriedly recalled Sirius' words, bringing with them a small stab of guilt in her heart.
"He might not have meant what you thought," Emma replied skeptically, though she didn't quite believe what she was saying.
"You think so?" Lily asked hopefully. Emma wanted to say no, really she did, but the look in Lily's eyes stopped her from doing so. There was something there that needed reassuring, that she hadn't driven someone, and specifically someone she loved, to kill themselves.
Instead, she took her friend in a large hug and rubbed her side whispering a little white lie, "Yea," before allowing the two to sink into silence. Minutes went by and Lily's crying began subsiding. Pulling herself from Emma's arms, she whipped her eyes and gave a small smile.
"So I saw you talking with Remus. What was going on?" she asked teasingly, though she could see that Emma was not in a good mood about the matter. She was never in a good mood when it came to a certain Mr. Lupin. Emma averted her eyes and stared at the lake.
"He wants to talk. About last year. He doesn't want me to hate him," she muttered, slowly playing with the soil on the ground at her feet.
"And how do you feel honey?" every word she spoke was dipped concern. She knew Emma had tried to talk to Remus last year but he didn't even want to see her.
She sighed; boys were strange.
"I honestly have no clue," Emma breathed out in defeat. Lily stared at her friend, and wondered how they both got in such a mess. She knew she couldn't do anything to ease Emma's pain, she needed to just get it out of her system. Perhaps she should talk to Remus.
Maybe that's what Lily had to do; just get James out of her system.
She huffed impatiently at herself. That was a tried and failed method. She had nothing left in her anymore. Nothing except a great void within herself, where she could feel all of her emotions towards James burn deeper and deeper inside her.
She sighed and stared out to the lake like Emma, who was in turn driven by her thoughts to look ahead as well. Neither of them knew how long they had stayed there. One thing was for sure; they had missed dinner.
00oo00oo00
"James?" he heard Sirius' voice through the curtains. He contemplated not answering, and to get lost in his thoughts once more. Then he remembered why he had stopped trying to think or even remember; it hurt too much. So instead he let out an audible grunt, to let Sirius know he was still alive and in a bad mood.
Contrary to James' thought, that he might actually leave him alone in his misery, Sirius opened the curtains and sat on the edge of his bed, holding a glass in his hands. James raised his head a few inches from the position he was lying in, to look at him and the glass. A glass that contained a greenish liquid, the liquid that would end this torture. He stared at it, willing it to come to him. He glared at it when it wouldn't.
"Thought you might need it," Sirius laughed and handed it to him. James detected a sort of guilt flash in his eyes, but then it was gone and he blamed it on his hangover.
He drank the glass dry as soon as it landed in his hands. He handed it back to his friend and dropped his head back on the bed, allowing himself to feel the pain slowly leave his head.
"Thanks, mate," he muttered, his mood improving as the pain ebbed away.
"No problem," he replied. This time James definitely detected something and he couldn't blame it on his headache.
"Are you alright, Padfoot?" he asked with a sense of unease. Somehow he didn't like this change in his friend. Sirius looked a bit startled by the question, but shook his head as if to clear it.
"Me? Oh yea, just fine and dandy," he smiled, "how about you Prongs?" he asked in return. James knew he was changing the subject, but he just needed to focus on remembering last night. He made a mental note to ask him about it later.
"What happened last night?" he asked as he rubbed his forehead.
"I think you drank every single drink available to you in the entire Hogsmade," Sirius joked, or at least tried to.
"And how did I get back here?" he asked in a pained voice, somehow the hangover cure wasn't working very well at the moment, as he rubbed his eyes.
"Back from where?" another voice asked. James opened his eyes and saw Remus standing at the dormitory doorway. Truthfully, James didn't want to answer, but apparently he didn't have the choice to that.
"Getting hammered in Hogsmade," Sirius quipped. Remus looked at James with a skeptical frown rising. James closed his eyes again. He was definitely not in he mood for this.
"What for? You haven't done that since last year, and even then you didn't get so bad as too lose an entire day of lessons," he told him. Sirius looked at James.
"You should tell him you know," was all he said. Remus glanced at him, for a split second, before returning his gaze to the lying form on the bed.
"Tell me what?" he asked curiously. If it had to do with James returning to his last year ways, then maybe it was time for them to get concerned.
"About him and Lily," jumped Sirius in a matter-of-fact tone, the same time James had said,
"Nothing," while trying to massage his head. Why was hangover getting worse? If it didn't hurt so badly, he would have gotten up and strangled Sirius.
"You and Lily?" Remus questioned another eyebrow rising. "What about you and Lily?"
Sirius turned to look at James, who was still lying across the bed, his hands on his head, pressing his temples, his eyebrows also raise, and nudging in Remus' general direction. James was feeling very aggravated with his best friend and raised his middle finger to him.
"What about you and Lily?" he repeated his question.
Silence followed and everyone remained still. James didn't want to really tell Remus, perhaps just to spite Sirius, but as he tried to think about it more, he reasoned that Remus should know. And he would find out, because Remus always found out, sooner or later. During these ramblings in his mind, James heard someone move. It was Remus going to the bathroom, looking a bit ticked off. It was now or never. He pressed his fingertips into his scalp and took a deep breath.
"I slept with Lily," was all he said. It's all it took. This time when silence followed, it settled around them, no one, not even Remus moved. Hating all of it, James grabbed a pillow form the top of the bed and placed it over his head, hoping it would choke him to death.
00oo00oo00
Lady Luck ~> Sorry to say but this is nothing to the pain that will follow. Just wait and see
Babbling ~> Oh I will! I have too many plans for this fic to leave it like this! Do not worry I shan't let it die (sorry weird mood hehe). Thank you for calling my story different. I love it what people associate different with me. Do not worry I'd pick a dark and angsty fic over a light hearted one any day as well. That whirlpool of emotion that you mentioned? Well let me just say that it just a baby still hehe. Think about the title and then think of how many characters have it. We still have Sirius and Peter to torment! I love it!!!! (again I apologize for strange mood) Enjoy!!
Anonymous ~> Maybe I'll try that.. sounds good.. I'll let you know how it goes hehe.. and I don't think you're odd, in fact I think you are quite sane actually. I love people who talk to objects (in fact my laptop is called James we have good conversations hehe)
Jesse81358 ~> There you go! A brand new chapter! What do you think?
JKR ~> tut tut tut, young lady! (or is it man?) Where did your little dirty mind go?
Anonymous ~> I've posted! How about that? You like?
Bananaslug22 ~> you think this far is painful? Just you wait and see * evil glint *
HAZY DAYZ ~> How about this.. if you give me that I'll delay the next chapter even more? Just kidding hehe
C(= ~> Hope this chapter gave you some idea of what will come but I don't really think so because there are a few twists in this story hehe
Radcliffeluvslave ~> yea she's admitted it but what will she do? and what will he do? just wait and see!!! I've got a lot of things planed before things get even a smidgen better
Draco'sbabe137 ~> Darkness you say? Honey its complete blackness hehe cant wait to write it!!! Just stick around and see ;p
Magical Proof ~> Hehe hope you liked this chapter! But I wont be updating till next month unfortunately
Anonymous ~> yup I wish I could!!! But oh well.
Halfbloodedprincess ~> Twice? Nice! What did you think of it for a second time?
Anonymous ~> How's that? Fast enough? I just got you review.. well as I was finishing the chapter hehe
A/N hey people! This must be a shorter time frame that I've updated in a while! The reason for this would be I'm leaving today to visit my grandparents for a month and I have no access to the internet, and I just wanted to give you a small going away gift (yes from me to you. I know weird). I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the next one will be out next month. Love you all and hope you have a great summer!!!