Life On Standby
The distance and my hearts to sand
Flowing through the hour glass
Time to let go of all we know
and break our hearts in stride.
I need you now more like yesterday
The last day I could see you smile.
For the last time turn out the lights
My life on standby.
So standby and watch
This fall away and fall apart.
Just say that it's over,
It's over and she's gone.
(NOW... SHE'S...GONE)
Don't worry he Said,
and she's not coming home.
(SHE'S.... NOT...COMING...HOME)
It's over and she's gone.
The distance and my hearts to sand
Flowing through the hour glass.
I fall to pieces, I can't let go
Of all the times I never said goodbye.
Just say that it's over,
It's over and she's gone.
(NOW... SHE'S...GONE)
Don't worry he said,
and she's not coming home.
(SHE'S....NOT...COMING...HOME)
It's over and she's gone.
WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
Wake up now it's over... just tell me it's ok to die
WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
Wake up now it's over... just tell me it's ok to die
Wake up now it's over... just tell me it's ok to die
Wake up now it's over... just tell me it's ok to die
HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS ~ Life on Standby
00oo00oo00
It was Friday, the day after the impact of James' drunken night. He hated every single minute of it. Now that Remus knew as well, he was beginning to feel paranoid. Everywhere he went, he thought that people were looking at him, talking about him. Judging him.
He contemplated in asking Remus or Sirius about it, but he thought better of it as he had already asked them more than once, and they were probably getting very aggravated with him. He shook his head once again and tried to focus on the lesson at hand.
He succeeded for less than a minute. History of Magic never interested him that much. He believed that whatever was in the past should stay there. It never did anyone any good, being stuck in the past. That's where everything belonged.
He sighed deeply and gave another failed attempt to take notes.
Within seconds he lost track what the professor had said and went were he hated to go the most these days, his thoughts. One thing he knew for sure, he thought, he knew something was up with Lily.
No matter what he told himself to sooth his nerves, he couldn't believe anything. There was no excuse for the way she kept on glancing his way, worry and guilt plastered on her face and in her eyes. Something was wrong, something didn't fit quite right, and it drove him crazy!
Just let go! Why do you even care anyway? It couldn't have something to do with you!
Yes, it could! And I don't care!
Yea and I'm the bloody Queen of bloody England, nice to meet you.
Whatever. I still don't care.
You really love this whole façade of indifference don't you Jamie?
Don't call me that! And its not a façade, I really don't care!
Touchy, touchy. You know Jamie; the more you deny you care, the harder it will all hit you when you realize you do. I wish you good luck.
If I go down I'll be taking you with me, but there's nothing to worry about, as I DON'T CARE! And don't call me that, ever again!
If you say so.
I do!
The internal conversation in his mind ended as the bell rang. Not wanting to listen to himself argue once again, he grabbed his bag and exited the classroom. His friends were right behind him wondered what was wrong.
"Prongs?" Sirius asked tentatively. James shook his head grumbling.
"Sirius, we have practice," was all he said and walked in the opposite direction of the dinning hall. His friends stared after him for a minute, before Sirius turned to Remus.
"When was the last time he ate exactly?" he asked with a hint of worry.
"I don't know if a single toast counts, but if it does then this morning," he muttered solemnly. Sirius shook his head and went after James. After all they had a game with Slytherin the following day, and they hadn't practiced much.
00oo00oo00
Remus was in the Gryffindor Common Room. For some reason he was getting very aggravated, but he wasn't sure as to why. Perhaps it was the lateness of arrival of his two best friends from Quidditch practice, or perhaps that the only person missing out from the Marauders was Peter, who went off somewhere after dinner but he himself knew nothing about it. Or perhaps it was due to his staring at a single redhead, wishing she'd go to bed already, so he can talk to the dark haired one, also known as Emma.
He shook his head at his stupidity. Why the hell did he have to go talk to her yesterday? Hadn't he promised himself that he wouldn't let anyone on his secret? At least anyone, he didn't want dead?
But at this present moment, none of this seemed logical to him. He always had trouble remembering why he broke it off with the only woman that made him feel alive in all the mystical death that surrounded him. Maybe that's why she loved him? She could feel something different coming off him due to his "problem"?
But when he came to this point in his head, he always found himself disgusted with himself. Just because she loved him didn't mean she wouldn't stop after she found out. There were a few past cases where his girlfriends found out and would dump him where he stood.
That's why he broke up with her. He refused point blank to allow himself the pain of losing someone he loved to this, again. Especially after what had happened last year, to which if James had not been there, he would have killed someone.
Remus glanced around, as if to see if his thoughts would be safe to stray. He saw that Lily and Emma where still talking in the corner in hushed voices, glancing around and making sure not to be overheard.
Sighing he allowed himself to sink into the memory of that fateful day, wishing he could find a way to tell Emma.
It was cold that day, but nothing could prepare, him or his friends, for the coldness and occurrences of that night. It was a full moon as well, which was something he loved and hated in a paradoxical manner. Just before he had transformed, he glanced at the moon for a second. Within that second he could distinctly remember thinking that something was out of place, but with his transformation all human rationality and thought evaporated and he knew nothing of the night.
Except when he woke up the following morning to find two of his friends in hospital beds besides him, Severus Snape in another, while Peter stood at the door of the infirmary looking fidgety between the occupants of the room.
Something ominous struck at his heart and he immediately demanded the whole story from Peter. It took a while, but after many incoherent sentences, along with sideways glances in Sirius' direction, he got a full description of what had happened. It didn't make me feel better.
He had almost killed someone. The thought still plagued his mind, even now, while he slept. Sirius had been stupid enough to let Snape know where he and the rest of the Marauders went every full moon.
When he found out what had happened that night, he tried as hard as he could to try and remember any bit of the night, but the only thing that stayed with him, was the smell of flesh and blood. He wondered whether he had smelled Snape or James.
James had found out what Sirius had done and ran to help Snape, not even bothering to transform into a stag. Apparently he himself had escaped the Shrieking Shack and ran towards them. Sirius, probably out of fear of his friend than anything else, ran to help, transforming into a dog.
No one had gotten bitten, he thanked Merlin for the millionth time since last year, but he was scarred nonetheless, albeit emotionally. He refused to allow himself to get close to anyone after that. He had broken up with Emma; he even tried to break off the friendship with those he came to call brothers. Yet they had refused point blank, though it was James, yet again, who tried his hardest to mend the rift between Sirius and himself.
Good old James, Remus thought. He shook his head and remembered their conversation last night. He looked so miserable.
Well not that it didn't make sense, Remus thought again. He tried to remember when was the last time he had seen James smile from his heart. Again he shook his head unable to remember the specific time of the previous year when he began seeing James so down. But then again that was perhaps due to his inability to focus on anyone else's misery than his own at the time.
Something moved in the corner of his eye and his head snapped to its direction. Lily and Emma were having a whispered argument, but he didn't fail to see their eyes darting to him every now and again. What caught his eye was Lily's sudden movement in standing up.
"Ask him," she urged Emma. Emma for some reason looked horrified and shook her head.
"No Lily. Please don't make me. You ask him," she pleaded.
"Emma he's your cousin. You know you want to know just as much as I do. So just ask him," was Lily said before she turned to leave the common room, not giving Emma the chance to answer back.
Of course Remus hadn't heard the complete conversation but he was getting nervous nonetheless. For some reason he wished James and Sirius would walk in right about…. Now!
He stared at the hole. No one came in. He grumbled at his misfortune. But when he found himself sitting on the couch staring at the fire with the most beautiful woman in the world, he wondered whether or not he was unfortunate.
"Hi," was all she said. He could sense that she was nervous as well, so he made no move to get closer to her.
"Hi, Em," he replied. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Emma felt a tingle of desire run through her, at the way he had said her name.
They sat together in silence, each wondering what to do next. They both had so many things to say to each other, they didn't know where to begin. Emma cursed Lily for making her do this, while Remus cursed both Sirius and James for being at some stupid Quidditch practice.
"Err so where's James?" she asked cautiously. Remus became increasingly disappointed at the situation and began cursing James for different matters.
"Quidditch practice," he said in a monotone.
"Oh yea, the Slytherin match tomorrow," she pretended to forget. "How is he? I haven't talked to him in ages," she added, trying to bring the subject more into focus.
"He's fine. A bit down at present," he replied in the same tone.
"Remus can I ask you something about James?" she asked him. Might as well be blunt about it if she wasn't getting the answers she wanted. Remus pretended not to be surprised, which wasn't that hard, as he was more overcome with fear than anything else.
"Err sure," he muttered, glancing at the doorway. Why was practice taking longer than usual?
"Did James try to err hurt himself last year?" she blurted in a soft whisper. But Remus heard nevertheless, and his blood ran cold.
"What? Where'd you hear that?" he questioned her fast. He really had a bad feeling about this. He looked away. Where had she found out from?
He knew he wouldn't be able to lie to Emma. That's why their break up last year had almost killed him. Suddenly he felt her soft hand on his chin, guiding him to face her. He had nowhere to look but into her eyes.
"Remus, tell me the truth. Did James try anything? Ever?" She asked him in a low whisper. Remus had barely heard her though. He was too mesmerized by her eyes.
"Remus, I need to know. He's my cousin and I'm worried about him," she went on. Remus sighed and removed his chin from her hands and attempted to look away. He had succeeded, for a second.
"I know Em, but I'm not the one you should be asking. If something did happen to James, then its him you should be asking," he told her truthfully. She looked at him, examining his soul; he could feel her searching for more information. Something that he might have hidden within him.
"You're right. I'm sorry to have bothered you Remus," she said with a sigh and began to get up. His hand stopped her.
"You can bother me whenever you like," he whispered softly. Yet no matter the softness of his voice, the meaning of what he said lay heavily upon her.
"Remus…" she trailed off, leaving his name to linger between the two. They stared at each other, each of their eyes reflecting the other's. Remus contemplated whether to kiss her or not, but before he managed to make up his mind, it was decided for him. Emma moved her hand away from him and began to move away.
"Emma, I'm so very sorry," he whispered to her, not knowing if she would hear him. He could see the pain within her and he hated himself for causing it.
"It's alright Remus. You don't have to explain anything," she told him, stopping in her tracks to look at him.
"Yes I do. I have to explain in order for you to understand what-" he tried to tell her, but she cut him off.
"I do understand Remus. You stopped loving me. You don't have to explain anything. Really, it's quite understanda-" she tried to console herself, but this time he cut her off, with his lips.
He couldn't stand hearing her like this. The fact that she thought he stopped loving her! As if such thing could ever happen, no matter how much he had tried. She plagued his mind, day and night.
"Don't you ever think that I ever stopped loving you. If anything I love you more than I did then. That's why I need to explain. You have to understand-" he was yet again cut off, but not because of her.
The portrait hole opened and the Quidditch team entered all of who were laughing and full of adrenaline. All but James, who glanced between Remus and Emma with a knowing look before making his way to their dormitory, he seemed to have decided to sleep with the Gryffindors. When Remus turned around to talk to Emma, she had gone.
For the thousandth time that evening, he cursed James and Sirius, if not for anything else, just showing up.
00oo00oo00
Sirius woke up early that Saturday with a start. He tried to remember what he had been dreaming of, but for some reason the only thing that came to mind was a white room. A room that looked significantly like the hospital private quarters. But it couldn't be.. Could it?
He shook his head and looked over towards James' bed, before realizing that he wouldn't be there. He always got up early on a Quidditch match day. He made his way to the showers, unable to shake a strange feeling in the base of his stomach.
00oo00oo00
James sat at the Gryffindor table, staring at his plate, incapable of touching his food. Besides the fact that he was nervous about the match, the essence of eating much escaped him these days. Was there any point?
"Are you going to just sit there and stare at it, or are you going to eat it?" a voice said behind him. His blood froze in an instant.
"What do you want Evans?" he muttered without turning around. He didn't want to see her right now. He knew exactly how she looked, especially in the morning. He had memorized every inch of her when they were together last year.
"Just wanted to wish you luck before your game," she whispered softly to him. His heart beat faster. Why couldn't he stop doing that? Why?
"Right," was all he said, in the same tone. They sat in silence for a few agonizing minutes, James staring at his plate, Lily staring between James and the table. She decided to sit beside him.
"James," she said in the same soft tone, leaning toward him. James sat straight up, almost knocking her over. She looked at him in mild surprise.
"I- I have to go to the pitch," he said hurriedly, quickly turning away and striding out of the Dinning Hall. Lily looked at her watch and sighed dejectedly. It was only 7 in the morning. Didn't the match start at eight thirty?
James leaned against the stone wall, breathing hard. How is it, he hasn't even touched her, yet she still managed to get him to hyperventilate? Life isn't fair, he thought.
He looked towards the stairs as he heard voices and footsteps. He made his way to the Entrance Doors as fast as he could. For some reason, he wanted to be alone for the moment.
00oo00oo00
Sirius rushed to the changing rooms. He was a bit worried when he didn't find James at breakfast. He had usually waited for the entire team to come before he went to the pitch. He found him on the highest bench, looking at the cloudy sky.
"You ready mate?" he asked him as he approached and hovered next to him. James merely looked over at him.
"Mhmm," was all he said. He glanced up at the sky once more before getting up. "It's going to rain," he told him matter of fact. Sirius didn't bother to argue with him. James was always right when raining was concerned, he thought as he looked up at the sky himself.
As they reached the bottom level, they both saw Emma approach them. For some reason Sirius' bad feeling increased tenfold, to the extent that he began feeling sick.
"Hey, guys. Sirius, do you mind if I talk to James alone for a second?" she spoke fast, in an almost urgent manner, without taking her eyes off James.
Sirius looked nervously between the two and although he wished he didn't, he shrugged and nodded before continuing on his path. Emma watched him walk away from them for a few seconds before turning back to James, observing him closely. If he could speak him mind at that point, he would have said that it unnerved him greatly. But unfortunately he couldn't think anything at that moment, as he had spotted Lily walking into the field directly in front of him.
"James?" Emma's voice brought him back to the reality, though his eyes kept glancing her way. He couldn't bring his mind around the fact that she was doing exactly the same thing, while she was having an argument with Sirius?
"Yea?" he asked distractedly. Emma knew she would have to be drastic, so she lowered her voice, as much as she could.
"You know I love you right cousin?" she asked him. This caught some of his attention. After all, she'd never called him cousin.
"Yea?" he repeated again, yet with more caution than before. Something wasn't right here.
"You would tell me if something was wrong right?" she went on, ignoring the nervous jitters she was beginning to get. She took a few deep breaths.
"Yea?" was all he managed to say. It was the only coherent word left in his mind at that moment. What the hell was going on? Well whatever it was he didn't like it one single bit!
"Did you try to kill yourself last year?" she blurted out before she would have a second though. Yet as she did, she wished she hadn't.
The question hung in the air between them as he stared at her unblinkingly. His blood had run cold. He could have sworn his heart stopped beating. His muscles wouldn't even work, to allow himself to run away. He could only stare, and blink.
"What? How?" he whispered. But things began registering in a very fast pace. His eyes darted to Sirius, then to the fiery redhead that was now staring at him anxiously, back to Sirius, who looked at him regretfully. He risked a chance at Emma. She wasn't looking anywhere else but at him.
"Sirius," he whispered in repressed rage. Without saying another word to Emma, he strode toward his "best friend". He couldn't believe it! Why would he do that? Did he enjoy seeing him in pain? Before he knew it, he was in front of him.
"I cant fucking believe you told her!" he shouted at him. "Can't you ever keep your mouth shut, Black? I don't know how I could ever think you could keep this to yourself!" he began to walk away, but Sirius grabbed his arm.
"James, let me explain! You have to just let me explain," he tried to reason, but he didn't get the chance to explain. Without control or thought, James' hand formed a fist and connected with his jaw. Sirius struggled to keep standing.
"Fuck you, Black," James snarled before spitting at his feet and turning on his heel to walk away.
No one stopped him. James wished someone did. He wished someone would stop him, then beat him to the pulp. He wanted that someone to be Sirius, his best friend.
But no one came. Until it was too late.
00oo00oo00
"Have you seen James?" Abigail Davies, the new fourth year Gryffindor beater, asked Remus anxiously. Remus looked at Sirius, Lily and Emma before looking back at Abigail.
"No, we haven't seen him," he muttered dejectedly. He had just heard what had happened. He was up in the stands, getting ready to commentate. He wondered what took so long for the Gryffindor team to show up, so he came down to find out what had happened. He wished he hadn't now.
"Madam Hooch said that if we don't go on in 5 minutes we're going to be disqualified," she told them in a frustrated manner, before walking off. There ware various reasons she was a beater and her quick temper was one of them. Remus watched her walk away before turning back to the others.
"Any ideas?" he asked them in a low tone. He couldn't bear to see his friends so shattered, so he kept glancing everywhere else. There were no answers, but if he would be frank, he knew that they would be none.
"What about the map?" he asked Sirius. Sirius looked at him intensely as he glanced between him and the girls.
"This isn't the time to hide anything like this Padfoot," he almost growled at his friend. He watched his friend hang his head. He would have felt sorry for him had this entire mess not been his fault.
"What map?" Emma asked them, feeling left out of the conversation. But it wasn't Remus or Sirius that answered.
"It's a map that shows the exact location of everyone on the castle grounds," Lily told her. Everyone looked at her.
"He told you? I can't believe he told you!" Sirius shouted incredulously. This time everybody looked at him. He cowered away from the glares.
"Fine thing for you to say Padfoot," Remus told him, this time neglecting to hold back his growl.
"Right," he went on, as he ignored Sirius, "Lily you should go inform McGonagall, that the match might not take place, Emma -" Remus began, but someone stopped him.
"There's no need to do that," a voice behind them said. They all turned around to see James, looking more tired than usual. But he wasn't watching them; he couldn't bear it, so he looked straight a head as he passed them by.
"James!" Lily shouted after him. He stopped for a few seconds, without turning around. Without even realizing it, Lily held her breath, which was let out when he shook his head and left them standing at his wake.
"Padfoot, we have to go," he said. Sirius began to move toward the pitch, but stopped beside Lily, "You should talk to him when the game finishes, you know," he told her. She could do nothing but nod, as she still stared at the same spot where James was last seen.
00oo00oo00
"And now, Ladies, Gentlemen and Slytherins! The moment we have all been waiting for!" Remus called out from the commentator's stand, ignoring the boos and the laughter from the crowd.
"Introducing the Slytherin team! This year, it appears Captain Mollien has gone for size than actual talent this year. I am glad that he has chosen a different strategic from captains before him," he went on, earning more laughter from the students. McGonagall growled behind him.
"And on with the team! Mollien, Long and Snape are the beaters, Avery and Malfoy are this years, chasers, while a new Keeper has been found to replace Daniels, that would be Richards and the remaining member is Black as seeker!" the Slytherins cheered on loudly.
"For the Gryffindor team! We have James Potter back as Captain this year, also as chaser, along with Bishop and Williams. Abigail Davies, working with Black has filled replacing the position of beater for Robertson. Gryffindor keeper is Clayton, while another new member, replacing last year's seeker, Thomas, we have Malcolm Fox!" Remus called out with a lot more enthusiasm than before.
"The captains shake hands. Madam Hooch blows the whistle and they're off!"
From the very beginning, the game seemed to take a very interesting turn. James being in a not so good mood seemed to have shifted the dynamics of the team. He didn't go along with the strategies that they had been practicing for so long. Malcolm knew he had to spot the snitch early in the game, otherwise they could very well lose the game.
"Slytherin scores! 10-0!" Remus shouted. Many grunts and boos were heard from the crowd, but none as noisy as the Slytherins' triumphant yelling.
Come one James! Focus! James shouted at himself. He knew he had to follow the strategies they had been working on, but for some reason his body didn't listen to his mind.
He saw Snape fly over to Avery and telling him something before turning and pointing at Sirius. His anger grew twice as much. He knew they were planning something and no matter how pissed off he might be with his best friend, he was still just that.
He only had seconds to react when both Snape and Avery threw the bludgers at him. He flew as fast as he could to Sirius' direction. Apparently he had seen only Avery hit the bludger, while the other one was coming from behind him.
"Sirius behind you!" Remus yelled as loud as he could.
But there was no time, as the bludger approached the Sirius, James flew behind him and punched it as hard as he could. Everything fell silent for a grand total of 10 seconds, where the rest of the chasers of the Gryffindor team found the chance to score a few more goals, as the keeper of the Slytherin team felt obliged to stare at the Gryffindor Captain. Everything went back to normal as Remus shouted out the latest score.
"70-60 to Slytherin!" his voice boomed in the pitch. There was a fair share of booing and victory yells.
For those 10 seconds, Sirius stared at James before looking down at his bruising hand. James stared back, with empty indifference in his eyes.
"James…" Sirius began, but got interrupted by Remus' announcement, and turned quickly to look up at the scoreboard. When he turned back to see James he had gone, flying off in the direction of the goals with Abigail.
Lily stared after him as he flew around the pitch with a pain weighing on her heart. That had to hurt, she thought, but then she mentally slapped herself. Compared to all the pain he'd been through this past six month, that had to feel like a pinch. She cringed as she blamed herself for everything, her eyes remaining on James, watching him closely.
"And Malcolm goes in for a dive! Has he seen the snitch? Yes he has! And Black follows, hot on his tail! This is going to be a close one!" Remus' voice failed to conceal his excitement as the two seekers dove to the ground.
In the mean time the rest of both teams worked harder than ever to score a few more goals in, incase the game would indeed finish. Except for one individual of the Slytherin team. Snape eyed James zooming around, hatred boiling up inside him. How dare he interfere with his plan! Bloody arrogant bastard! He thought. He saw a bludger in his line of vision as he decided on revenge. He flew towards it.
"And Malcolm gets it! Gryffindor win! 100-260 for Gryffindor!" But his voice could barely be heard through the crowd's cheering, but he smiled contently as he continued to celebrate.
Snape reached the bludger just as the score was being announced. Perfect timing, he smiled devilishly. He aimed and hit it as hard as he could to James' direction.
James was celebrating the victory with the rest of his teammates, anger slightly forgotten. Sirius found the opportunity to try and talk to him. He never got the chance before he heard a scream from the crowd. It was Lily, but what was she shouting? It was unbelievably hard to hear anything, but he followed to where her hand was pointing. A bludger heading for James. Without thinking he shouted to him as well.
"James!" but it was too late. He was hit square in the back, the contact pushing him forward where he fell towards the ground. Unconscious.
And slowly, the rain began falling.
00oo00oo
A/N Hey everyone! You people must really really hate me right now hehe. I'm really sorry for the delay in this chapter. Its been ready for ages but it took sometime fixing everything up as well as school interfering in my life again. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I'm sorry but I wont be answering reviews from now on as it takes even more time which I don't really have at the moment. When everything settles back into normal I might go back to writing them. Again hope you all enjoy it and review1 Love you all!!! xxx