When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.
Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade)
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)
ooOOooOOoo
Despite not wanting to leave his friend, Sirius tried to make his way back to his dormitory, tormented by images of a falling James.
He shook his head, collapsing in his bed. Rubbing his red eyes, ridding himself of unwanted tears, is how Remus found him. He stood at the doorway, watching his friend silently contemplating whether or not to disturb him.
"You coming in or not, Moony?" Sirius' voice softly interrupted his thoughts. The sound of it broke his heart. Devoid of joyfulness and something that can only be called siriusness. He remained lying on the bed, covering his eyes. In Remus' eyes, it seemed as if he had shrunk and faded against the dark bedding.
It was unnerving to see him like this. He had only seen him like this once and that was enough to last him a lifetime. When James swore he would stop what he was doing the year before, he truly believed that that was going to be the end of watching his friends in misery.
"I'd rather not. I already have one friend in a coma, don't particularly fancy watching another one fall into one," he said grimly, turning to leave.
"It's all my fault," Sirius whimpered silently from the bed. Remus sighed deeply with a heavy heart.
"No it isn't Padfoot," he replied softly as he closed the door.
"Yes. Yes it is," he answered, uncovering his eyes and revealing streams of tears. But there was no one to hear him.
ooOOooOOoo
Remus made his way down to the Gryffindor common room staring at his feet, unaware of watchful eyes. He reached the couches by the fire, accepting the glowing distraction and the warmth it offered him.
He silently began to wonder how things got to be so bad, between his friends, between Lily and James, even between him and Emma.
As she entered his mind, her scent flooded his senses and he prepared himself for their encounter.
"Hi, Remus," she whispered uneasily, not knowing how to act. She stood close to the couch, playing with her hands.
"Emma," was all he said to acknowledge her presence; it was all he could do to hide his racing heart. He no longer knew how to act around her, despite how his eyes watched every single move she made, how his heart rate increased when she smiled, how he would tremble as she looked at him.
Besides, he reasoned, was there any point in hoping after something that was most probably dead? Especially after the way he had treated her. He shook his head at his stupidity.
"Err, Remus?" he looked at her, stepping out of his morbid and self-loathing thoughts. "You mind if I sit down for a sec?" she asked him shyly.
"Sure," she replied, taken aback from the question. He moved slightly to allow her some space, more out of creating some sort of distance between them than anything else.
He knew what would happen if he had looked at her at that moment, so he tried his hardest not to, but it was in vain. The moment he glanced at her, all previous thoughts and emotions rushed back to him mixed with new waves of self-disgust and hatred. How stupid and selfish he must have been to have let her go, with no explanation or any chance to be forgiven. Perhaps she would have still wanted him in her life. Perhaps nothing would have changed. Perhaps she would have learnt to love him for who he was. Perhaps.
But it was too late now. There was no redeeming himself anymore. What's done is done and due to his fears and doubts, he couldn't explain now. He had hurt her too much to ask her something as great as to be forgiven. He didn't even know if he could forgive himself.
"How are you doing?" she asked tentatively, as if cautious of his thoughts.
Miserable.
"Considering the circumstances not bad," answered vaguely, willing his eyes to look away from her.
Unable to remove his eyes and mind from her form, he watched her nod inattentively as she stared at the fire before them. He was mesmerized once again, as he watched the fire illuminate every single strand of her hair like an angel. Her face that had appeared tired when she first approached now seemed to be refreshed. He only looked away when she turned to face him.
"How's Sirius coping?" she asked, equally as tentatively.
"Not so good. He blames himself," he relied quietly, as if that simple statement explained it all. It did.
Silence fell between them as they stared ahead into the darkening fire.
"Lily?" he finally asked, not quite sure he wanted to find out. As she sighed deeply his heart beat faster.
"Considering the circumstances, very bad," she replied as if in pain. "She's still at the hospital wing. She refuses to leave his side. She blames herself."
Remus nodded grimly. He knew she would.
How had things gotten this way, he wondered. Where were the times when they were fifteen and without a care in the whole world? They had been sheltered from the war that was raging outside these walls, yet it seemed that fate had found other ways to rob them of their childhoods, thrusting them so violently into adulthood. A life that so far seemed made out of lies, betrayal, hatred, pain, suffering and loss. He doubted those around him wanted this life any more than he did.
All he wanted to do was turn back time, have his best friends back as well as the love of his life, but he knew that there was nothing he could do about it.
He sighed and shook his head again. It was becoming a habit that he knew would last a lifetime.
"Are you ok Remus?" Emma's melodious voice broke through his mind bantering. He looked at her, devouring her though his glazed eyes.
"What happened to us Emma? What went wrong?" he asked her desperately. It was a stupid question, he knew that but he wanted to know how she felt.
"I don't know what you're talking about Remus," she replied coldly, determined to avoid the subject he wanted to talk about. But Remus persisted.
"To us! What went wrong? To you and me," he was being stupid and he knew that, but for some reason that didn't seem like an important enough motive to stop.
She looked away from him as she took in a deep breath. When she looked back at him, her eyes were cold with suppressed rage and pain. He never realized until this moment, the extent of the pain that he brought on her. All this time he was too involved on how lonely and in pain he himself was that he didn't even realize that those closest to him were suffering as well; James, Lily, Sirius, Emma…
"I don't know what happened, Remus, you never told me. I never found out. You broke up with me without an explanation, remember?" her voice came out in a tone that matched the coldness in her eyes. She got up to leave.
"I didn't want to," he blurted out, making her stop in his tracks. She turned to face him, her emotions visible through her questioning eyes.
"I didn't want to break up with you," he repeated in a soft voice, as if begging her to stay and forgive him. Trying to convey to her how much he missed her and still loved her.
For a second it seemed like it had worked, her resolve appeared to be melting away, but when he blinked it was gone, and her eyes were flashing with renewed anger.
"But you did Remus. You did, and that makes a shit load of difference," she hissed at him.
This time there was nothing he could do but watch her walk away from him and disappear into her dormitory.
So taken was he by the way she looked and what she had said, that he didn't even become conscious of a dark figure passing through the shadows beside him, making his way through the portrait hole.
ooOOooOOoo
So slowly did he walk, that he made no noise. So entwined was he with the shadows, that he could not be seen.
He wanted to be by his best friend's side until he woke up, no matter how long it would take for that to happen. He was unable to sleep as memories he had only began to forget came back to haunt him with a vengeance.
A shiver went up his spine as he remembered every detail of the worst day of his life. He shut his eyes for a few seconds, allowing his memories to punish him for what he did. Never until that day could he shake the image of so much red against so much white.
He knew where James had gone after he had punched him. He, Sirius Black, drove his best friend back into the isolated hole of darkness where they had found him last year; making him swear to stop and being there for him until they were satisfied he was able to sleep properly.
It was Sirius that had found him. He had insisted on them going out that night, to have fun over the victory of Gryffindor getting the cup final. He had said that he was tired and was going to rest. That alone had to have been enough to make him stay. No matter how tired James ever was, he would always celebrate Gryffindor's victories. He had not seemed himself for weeks; he had been distant, quiet, buried in darkness and solitude.
Sirius and James had always shared a special bond, one that had always made Remus and Peter to feel slightly like outsiders, he knew. So alike yet so very different at the same time, like they were meant to be brothers. He felt a flood of pain and misery pierce his chest the moment they walked out the door. He had an intense desire to turn around and stay with him. Yet all he did was to stare at the door for a few seconds, before being summoned by Peter's joyful shouting.
It was when that same pain, shot through him fiercer than ever before, that made him bolt from the festivities that surrounded him and run as fast as he could to find James. He found him in their dormitory, and for the first few seconds he though that everything was alright.
"James?" his voice was soft and quiet, yet it cut through the shadows of their room as if he had shouted out. His heart beat louder in response. It was all so still and wondered if James was really in the room. He walked quietly to his bedpost in case he was asleep.
Pushing the curtains out of view, he saw him lying there, so very still. Everything seemed to be ok, but the pain had not eased. He turned on the lights, revealing his worse fears.
James was lying on his bed. He would have been thought to be sleeping, had his sheets not been covered in blood, blood that escaped for two great cuts on both of his arms. Sirius could only stare as the blood flowed openly from the lines that lead from his brother's wrists all the way to his elbow. He fell to his knees, calling his name.
"Padfoot?" the weakness in the voice that called after him made the tears come out freely. He looked up to his friend's face; so weak and pale.
"Don't talk. I'll get help. Please don't talk, Prongs," was all he could say. As he tried to get up, James held his hand, stopping him.
"I'm-I'm sorry, Pad-paddy," he whispered as his eyes began to shut once more.
"James!" Sirius shouted, unable to keep the panic and sorrow from his voice.
Sirius didn't think he might have had enough time to go find someone and bring them here. He looked around in terror, before running to his bed. He tore his sheets and wrapped James' forearms as fast as he could. As he managed to pick his limb body out of his bed covers, Remus and Peter walked in.
Remus took one look at James, his bed and a small pocketknife on the floor and ran to Sirius. Peter took a while longer to realize what was happening.
"Sirius?" Remus said, unable to say anything else. Sirius couldn't keep the tears from coming anymore and just stared at him.
"Have to take him to the Hospital Wing," he muttered and began making his way to the door. Peter stared at James as he flattened himself against the open door.
Everything became hazy after that. He remembers running as fast as he could, in the shadows, Remus and Peter right behind them.
He sat there all week until he woke up. He didn't eat, he didn't go to class, didn't talk, he just sat there, his mind overflowing with red images of James and how life would be without him. He tried to shake those thoughts out of him mind. He wasn't going to die. He's going to be alright, he had to be.
Remus would some times keep him company in his silence. When he was alone with James, all he could do was apologise to him, for not staying with him that night, for thinking that he could work through everything on his own, for letting him sink into this, for not knowing what had driven him to this.
He didn't realize he was leaning against a wall, breathing heavily as tears ran down his cheeks, as the memories filled his mind. It was all real all over again, the pain, the sorrow, the self-blame and loathing. He took in a few more deep breaths as he tried to steady himself.
He couldn't do this now. He had to be strong for his friend, his brother. He would do whatever it takes to take care of him and set everything straight again.
As he reached the Hospital Wing, he saw that he was not the only one there.
ooOOooOOoo
She wasn't sure how long she'd been there, watching him sleep. She wasn't even sure as to why she there. Guilt? Self-pity? Nowhere else to go? Or was it that she didn't want to be anywhere else other than by his side? He wasn't really favouring her at the moment; not after everything that's happened.
Despite the fact that he was unconscious, she was oddly comforted by the fact that they were in the same room without all the snarling and bitter words. She knew she had deserved all of it , even what Sirius had said about her, but it didn't mean it didn't hurt.
Yet she would give up anything to exchange the grim peace that had settled in the room with having James awake and hating her.
As she sat next to him, she looked down at his moonlit face and traced his cheekbones, wishing in vain for his lifeless lips to smile. She knew he wouldn't, even if he was awake he wouldn't have. He hadn't smiled in her presence since last year. She wasn't even sure he had smiled at all since last year.
Tears began to escape her eyes finally realizing how much she had missed him and how much she had missed when she walked away from him that night.
Unconsciously she reached for his hand in the dark.
"I'm so sorry James," she said through her tears, "for everything, I'm so sorry."
And so she sat by him, not even whipping the tear streaks that ran down her chin, never moving her eyes from James' sleeping form, unaware of the two silver eyes watching her in silent awe.
ooOOooOOoo
Sirius remained by the door of the Hospital Wing, watching her from the shadows; watching her every move, witnessing her every tear, hearing every word.
She had never shown this side of her before, he thought. She appeared so human, no longer the untouchable and evasive goddess, unable to do wrong as she seemed with everyone all the time. Only yesterday he himself had thought that she was devoid of emotion.
He had always mocked James' fascination with her, but now he saw what James had seen. She was beautiful, human with the ability to cry and laugh, just like him. It struck him now, how hard it must have been for her, why she hid behind a mask.
He wondered if James had been the only one that had seen who she was. Had she subconsciously allowed him in, some seven years ago when they had first met, only to have James blow it in less than five minutes? Had she marked him as the one that would break her mask and know her?
A secret kind of respect grew for both Lily and James as a sense of shame grew for the way he had acted toward them. He thought his friend a fool and thought of her as a bitch that didn't deserve the light of day.
But as he saw what James had seen, he felt privileged to be one of the few people that had seen the true beauty that is Lily Evans and how perfect the both of them were together.
"I love you James," a simple sentence that blew him out of his reverie. No matter how many times he blinked he found no evidence that it had been said, yet he continued to stare over to where Lily had rested her head on the bed, her hand firmly around James' hand.
He moved, without realizing, and as he approached her sleeping form and placed the Invisibility Cloak over her. Although his eyes hurt from the amount of tears that had left him he gave a small smile.
"I know you do Lily," he said to her, before vanishing into the darkness.
ooOOooOOoo
A/N : hey guys sorry if you been waiting for this for ages, but my laptop hasn't been working at all lately so been writing bit by bit like once a month so yea…hope you enjoy it and don't forget to review xxxxxx
-->