.
5. Is it enough?
Anything But Ordinary
Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
By Avril Lavigne
She could hear Harry's angry voice as she closed the door behind her. Taking a shaking breath, Hermione leaned against the wooden door. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough to face him one more time, at least right now. It had cost her every bit of her control to stay there and to tell him it hadn't been right. With her hair dripping wet, wearing only the towel, she became aware that this was the room where everything had happened. What was it that was keeping her from being with Harry? Something deep inside off her was against it, against the fact that she had lost control yesterday and again this morning. "Is it enough?" she asked herself. Her own voice was so unsure. Slowly she became aware of what it was that she was feeling.
It was the naked fear that he could cost her everything. She had been a mess because of Cho's death. But what would happen if she lost Harry? She needed to be distant with him again, but would it be enough? With both hands she pushed herself away from the door. Luckily today was Saturday and maybe she could hide in her room, hide from her feelings which weren't as strong as her mind that was telling her to keep her distance. Never before did Hermione feel like this. There was so much confusion between her heart and her head. Feeling frustrated she went to her cupboard. Slowly she opened it and searched for fresh muggle clothing.
For the entire morning, she thought about how she should go on from here. How could they sort this out in these last few weeks in the year? It was time to reunite the trio, and this was another reason she needed to deny her feelings for Harry. She loudly threw the doors to the cupboard shut and now held some jeans and a nice shirt. She didn't care that her bedroom looked like shit or that her hair was still wet like her body. Her mind kept working. It was telling her to run back to him and tell him it was all a mistake. That she didn't mean what she had said. But she couldn't risk it for anything in this world. She laid her clothes down on the bed, and made her way back to the cupboard to get some underwear. However, before she could reach the cupboard door, the door to her room burst open. She turned around saw him for a second. "Ha…!" Hermione said lamely but was cut off by a strong embrace.
His arms were tight around her waist and Harry was kneeling in front of her. She didn't trust her eyes "Harry, I ….please. Why?" she stuttered. "Don't leave me this way " his voice was muffled and slightly whimpering. She was speechless. In all the years she had known him, she never saw him like this. He never pleaded for anything, and now here he was kneeling in front of her and holding her as if she was the last thing in his life. Slowly, she brought her hands to his head. Still she was shocked and still she could feel his arms very tightly around her waist. It was difficult for her to breathe because her own feelings started to overwhelm her. "I didn't leave you." She whispered softly.
Even though Harry's hair was wet, she ran her hand through it. Hermione knew it wasn't what she should do, but she couldn't stop it. It was too much. In every sense, it was too much. She didn't want to push him away, but she didn't want him so close to her either. But now he had reached her and was close to her as before. Suddenly, she slipped down to her knees. He looked directly into her eyes. He opened his mouth but closed it again. Then he tried it again.
"Just tell me that you don't love me and I will leave you alone. I would do it. Just look into my eyes and say it" he whispered. She could barely hear him. She looked at him for a long time before she tried to answer. "I can't. I just can't!" she said again only this time louder. With this she told them both that she can't say she doesn't love him, and at the same time, she couldn't be with him either .
She realized that this was what it was like to be in love. She slowly figured it out. "Hermione, it doesn't change anything if you push me away. I tried it and it doesn't do any good. You know that, don't you?" "It makes me so weak…" she whispered back. Harry's arms went tighter around her with her words. "I'm with you. You hear me?. We can get through this. " She nodded slowly before she leaned into his embrace. Her head leaned against his shoulders and his on hers.
Lightly he kissed her bare shoulder and loosened his hold on her, but didn't let her go.