Interruptions, Part the Fourth
A Very Special Fic Written for the Readers
By the way...it's 63 pages! You better enjoy this!
James
Padfoot?
Sirius
Hmmmm?
James
I don't think I'm ready for this.
Sirius
Refghy phergh whght?
Remus
Sirius, will you stop hogging all my Honeydukes Chocolate!
Sirius
Sorry…you should know by now that anything that you put in front of my face I'll eat.
Remus
I think I know that all too well, thank you.
James
Are either of you even listening to me!
Sirius
Oh, were you speaking? It's kind of hard to hear your voice now that I've trained myself to be able to block you out.
James
Moony?
Remus
Yeah?
James
Hit him.
Sirius
OUCH! YOU'VE GOT MOONY DOING YOUR DIRTY WORK FOR YOU! That's pathetic, James.
James
If you really want me to hit you, I will.
Sirius
That's ok…I'm kind of getting used to the fact that Moony's a wimp and can barely punch…
Remus
Ha. Ha.
James
I'm not in the mood for your jokes, Sirius.
Sirius
That's funny, because you were earlier…
Remus
How much earlier?
Sirius
About…oh…fifteen years…
James
Sirius…
Remus
Wow…he really is serious…
Sirius
I didn't think it was possible.
Remus
What's the problem, James?
James
Wait, where's Peter?
Remus
He said something about coming later.
Sirius
He's been doing that more often lately.
James
Yeah, but to miss my…my…
Sirius
You are able to say the word, you know.
Remus
Come on, Jamesie-Poo…
James
My…sigh…marriage.
Remus
Well, it took you and Lily long enough.
Sirius
Sorry, it still makes me want to throw up.
James
Right now I think…no…I know I'm gonna throw up.
Sirius
Perfect.
Remus
Perfect?
Sirius
Yeah. I mean, it does make sense.
James
Because our minds are so in synch that you know when I'm about to puke?
Sirius
Uh…no.
Remus
Thank goodness.
Sirius
Don't you remember? Prongs, you were like this the day you saw Lily!
Remus
I remember that!
James
…
Sirius
JAMES!
James
What!
Remus
Don't tell me you can't remember!
James
Ok, I won't.
Sirius
Isn't written somewhere in your vows that you'd never forget the day that you met each other?
James
I actually…kinda…blocked the memory out.
Remus
Why?
Sirius
Oh, wait…HAHA! It's because she scorned you, isn't it?
Remus
Define scorned.
Sirius
James, would you do the honors?
James
She…put me in the leglocker curse, pushed me into the lake, and then froze the lake so that I couldn't get out.
Remus
…
Sirius
That was the best day of my life.
James
I would expect nothing less from the likes of you.
Remus
Hey, wasn't that also the first day that we started to write our notes during class?
James
Ah…to be young and have the attention span of a flea.
Sirius
That was the day, alright, but I think all Jamesie-Poo remembers is the fact that he was rescued by the astronomy professor who had a crush on him.
James
Why do you insist on giving me nightmares for the rest of my life? And don't call me Jamesie-Poo.
Sirius
It's just a hobby, Boo Boo Bear.
Remus
I'm just glad my life isn't as embarrassing as Prongs'.
James
Ha. Ha.
Sirius
Well, I thought it was funny.
James
Yeah, but you're going to die in about five seconds, so it doesn't matter anyway, now does it?
Sirius
See? Doesn't this help you to stop thinking about your wedding?
Flash-back!
November 6, 1976(?)
Sirius
Well, it's finally happened. We were dreading this day, but…I guess time makes fools of us all.
Peter
Uh oh.
Remus
What happened, Sirius?
Sirius
Are you sure that you really want to hear this? Are you sure that you can handle all the sick, disgusting details in miniscule information?
Remus
Not anymore.
Peter
I think I might hyperventilate if you don't tell soon.
Sirius
You know when you're about to hyperventilate?
Peter
It's a gift…I think…
Remus
So what's the news?
Sirius
James is in love.
Peter
Oh.
Sirius
Doesn't it make you sick!
Remus
With Lily, right?
Sirius
How did you know that?
Remus
1. He stares at her in the great hall, in class, in the common room…actually, now that I think about it, he stares at her no matter where we are or if she's even in the room!
Sirius
I'm gonna pretended that I can even understand that sentence.
Peter
Is that it?
Sirius
Of course not! Would I ever come to you with big news and not have something else equally shocking to tell too?
Remus
Yes.
Sirius
Huh?
Remus
By now we've learned that most of the time your stories either have no meaning or moral or you just tell them to hear your own voice.
Sirius
Wow. I didn't think I was so easy to figure out.
Peter
You are.
Sirius
Anyways, guess where James is right at this very moment?
Peter
Singing karaoke?
Remus
…
Sirius
…
Remus
I'm thinking that's a no?
Sirius
Here's a hint: he's somewhere he can't breathe.
Peter
I'm all out of ideas.
Sirius
That was funny on so many different levels that I can't pick which one to laugh at first.
Remus
James is under the frozen lake, isn't he?
Sirius
How'd you know that?
Remus
Saw it through the window. I also know that Lily Evans did it.
Sirius
HA! But, I bet you don't know James' BIG secret! MWHAHAHAHA!
Remus
The fact that he's in love with Lily? Sirius, we just went over that.
Sirius
…I hate you…
Remus
I know.
Peter
Uh…is James' face supposed to be red after being in a frozen lake?
Remus
I don't know, why?
Peter
Because he's coming this way.
Sirius
Hide me.
James
WHERE IS HE?
Peter
Who?
James
I'm gonna kill him. And Remus, so help me Merlin, if you even THINK about hiding him, you're going down with him.
Sirius
Out of curiosity James, who was it that rescued you?
Remus
The astronomy professor?
Sirius
Ding, Ding, Ding! And the winner is….Remus Lupin!
James
Shut up.
Peter
Did she invite you up to the astronomy tower?
James
Sirius, you've corrupted him!
Sirius
How?
James
Oh come one! We all know that he would never act this way if your stupidness hadn't sunk into his brain.
Sirius
You can come up with a better reason than that, James.
James
No. it's definitely you.
Sirius
And everything is instantly my fault…
James
Yes.
Remus
Yes.
Peter
Yes.
Remus
Well, you WERE the one who made James go over and talk to Lily.
Sirius
There's just one thing I want to know before I die, James: how in the world does Remus know everything!
Remus
It's a gift.
Flash-forward!
Sirius
And here we are today, still writing in notes, even though we could just be talking instead.
James
We're pathetic.
Remus
So, are you ready?
Sirius
Ready for what?
Remus
The ceremony starts in twenty minutes.
Sirius
Ready for what?
Remus
You don't look ready.
Sirius
READY FOR WHAT?
Remus
James, straighten up your shirt.
Sirius
See, this is what's known as 'ignoring-the-dog' and I want you to know, Moony, that it has repercussions…
James
What are you going to do- pee on him?
Sirius
I'll figure something out.
James
Oh, so you're going to poop on him.
Sirius
Will you just shut up?
Remus
It's hard to make him stop.
Sirius
James, if you say one more thing, I swear that you'll be walking out there with your lips sewn together…
James
Sigh.
Sirius
OUCH!
James
Better now?
Sirius
Ok…ok…I'll just sit in the corner…
Remus
That's amazing. Teach me?
James
It's all in the way that you hit him-
Sirius
Don't teach him any tricks!
James
So…do you think Lily's ready?
Sirius
I'll go ask her.
James
No! Wait!
Remus
You know there's no stopping him when he gets stupid.
James
I don't think I can breathe…
Remus
James….James! OPEN. YOUR. MOUTH!
James
Sorry.
Sirius
Personally, I think it's kinda funny when he can't breathe.
James
Shut it.
Remus
That was quick.
Sirius
Yeah.
James
…
Remus
…
James
What. Did. You. Do?
Sirius
Let's see…I got up, walked out the door, ambled down the hall, opened Lily's door, didn't see anyone, closed the door, got a drink of water, pulled a rabbit out of my hat, walked back down the hall, opened up our door, sat down, and started writing. Then you asked me what happened, and I said-
James
Wait. What did you just say?
Sirius
I got up, walked out th-
Remus
He means the part about Lily, Padfoot.
Sirius
Uh…that part where she wasn't in her room?
James
She wasn't there? Well, where was she!
Sirius
Well…she wasn't there, or in the church…
Remus
You don't think that she…
James
No! She couldn't…she…wouldn't…would she?
Sirius
I don't blame her, I mean if I was marrying you-
Remus
Of course not! She probably just left to go buy some…uh…floo powder.
Sirius
I really need to teach you how to lie better.
Remus
I didn't know you offered lessons.
Sirius
Yes. And they required 25 galleons beforehand, so pay up.
James
Weren't we talking about something more pressing? Hint. Hint. WINK. WINK.
Sirius
Don't wink; it's disturbing.
Remus
What do we do now?
James
I'm going to go scream into this couch pillow, then get really drunk.
Sirius
Let's spike the butterbeer!
Remus
…
Sirius
What? It's not like you haven't done it before.
Remus
On a dare.
Sirius
Same thing.
Yes, another FLASHBACK!
Remus
No way. I won't do it.
James
Aw, c'mon, Moony!
Sirius
Yeah, it's not hard to spike the butterbeer at the Christmas Ball while no one's looking.
James
Don't write down the whole plan!
Sirius
Right! Like the time when we found a way into the girl's dorms, snuck up in the middle of the night, colored all their hair grey, then cut half of it off, stole all their underwear, and captured their toothpastes?
James
What does that have to do with anything?
Remus
It was you two who did that?
Sirius
…
James
…
Sirius
So…reckon that we shouldn't have sent Wormtail for the alcohol.
James
It was probably not the brightest idea we've ever had.
Remus
Do I really have to go through with this?
Sirius
Tell you what- you don't, but…
James
Don't do anything he says.
Remus
I am well aware of his evilness.
James
Sometimes ignorance isn't always that problem.
Sirius
BUT…you have to drink all the alcohol.
James
Are you crazy! That stuff is pure poison!
Sirius
Well, obviously it would be if we are the ones who drink it.
Remus
I'll do it.
Sirius
What!
James
What!
Remus
As long as I'm only drunk in the common room.
Sirius
…
James
…
Remus
Swear it.
Sirius
Let's just say that when we're through with you, it'll be a night to remember.
James
Also, let's say 10 to 1 Virginia will dump his sorry butt.
Sirius
Yes, let's.
Flash-forward!
Sirius
That was the best Christmas Ball ever. Period.
Remus
No it wasn't! You guys got me drunk then took me out on the dance floor.
James
Oh yeah…didn't you dance with every girl in the place?
Sirius
And all the guys. THAT is personally imprinted in my mind for forever.
James
Why did we start reminiscing about that again?
Peter
You're all here!
Remus
You're surprised that we're all here for James' wedding?
Sirius
The wedding of the century?
James
What exactly makes it the wedding of the century?
Sirius
The fact that I spiked the punch.
James
Oh.
Peter
No, I'm surprised that James isn't at the alter…with Lily?
James
What!
Remus
What time is it?
Peter
Why are all the clocks set backwards?
James
I'm thirty minutes late for my own wedding!
Sirius
Actually…you're 45 minutes late.
James
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Peter
He looks like a chicken with its head cut off…
Sirius
Hand me one of those disposable cameras.
Remus
Too late. He's already out the door.
Sirius
Isn't that sweet?
Peter
Young love?
Sirius
No, the fact that Lily's first memory of her wedding will be James screaming and running into the church.
Remus
Those poor muggles.
Peter
Sigh.
Sirius
Sigh.
Remus
Sigh.
Peter
Hey…aren't we supposed to be in there, too?
Sirius
Since when did Peter get so smart?
Remus
Must've been the punch.
Sirius
Either that or someone dropped him again.
Emmablk1
Uh…guys?
Sirius
Yes, dear?
Emmablk1
Don't call me that.
Remus
What's the matter?
Emmablk1
The fic can't stop until you go to the wedding.
Sirius
It's stopping already!
Peter
It can't have even been 30 pages yet, let alone the 60 you promised.
Emmablk1
What did you give him to make him so smart? I never write him this way!
Remus
It had to be the punch.
Emmablk1
Anyway…you guys have to shut it so that I can get on with the special features part of the fic.
Peter
Fun! Are we in it!
Sirius
That's the Peter we all know and lov…I mean…like.
Emmablk1
No, Peter. It's about the average wingspan and velocity of swallows.
Peter
African or European swallows?
Emmablk1
Shut up.
Peter
Oh. I'll go get popcorn.
Emmablk1
Well…that's one way to get rid of him.
Sirius
Someone write it down.
Remus
Now if we could only find a way to get rid of Sirius.
Emmablk1
You're the smart one; selling him didn't work- I never got a money amount.
Sirius
This is insulting.
James
What's going on? Isn't the fic supposed to be over by now?
Lily
We've been waiting for forever!
Emmablk1
waving frantically Hi Lily!
Lily
Hi Emmablk1!
Sirius
Girls…
Emmablk1
Excuse me?
Lily
What did you just say?
Sirius
James…help me…they're both gaining up on me…!
James
You got yourself into this mess.
Remus
Five galleons that he doesn't make it out alive.
James
You're on.
Sirius
Hey!
Lily
If I wasn't allowed to complain about being betted on, you aren't.
Emmablk1
You're going over your time limit.
Sirius
So?
Remus
What happens if we do?
Emmablk1
You don't get paid.
Sirius
I'm shutting up.
James
Ditto.
Remus
I wasn't even talking.
Lily
Me either.
Emmablk1
When I said be quiet, I meant everyone.
Remus
But…we're
Lily
Your favorites!
Sirius
I thought I was your favorite!
Emmablk1
ENOUGH! This is IDIOTIC!
Lily
…
James
…
Remus
…
Sirius
…
Emmablk1
I'm starting the bloopers now…
Sirius
Can we have popcorn?
James
Shh!
Remus
Shh!
Lily
Shh!
Emmablk1
Here's some toffees. Enjoy yourselves.
James
I don't even want to know where she got those.
Emmablk1
Shut it.
Bloopers! (Funness!) And Random Quotes!
Romance:
James
On screen Lily…I have something very important to ask you.
Lily
Yes?
James
I don't quite know how you're going to respond to this and it might affect our relationship forever.
Lily
We've been dating for half a year, James. Nothing you could do can surprise me.
James
Ok…here goes…Lily…my beautiful darling girlfriend…will you…will you…do me the honor and the pleasure…
Lily
Yes James?
James
…Of doing my laundry?
Emmablk1
CUT!
Sirius
That was a horrible blooper.
James
I couldn't remember the line!
Lily
The line was 'Will you marry me?', you twit!
James
It was 'will you marry me you twit'? That seems kinda redundant.
Remus
Do you ever know what that word means?
James
I could if I wanted to.
Emmablk1
Sigh. There's more.
Remus
Oh, great.
Sirius
on screen love is a many spendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong; all you need is love!
Insert your name here
Please don't start that again.
Sirius
All you need is love!
Insert your name here
A girl's got to eat!
Sirius
All you need is love…and food.
Emmablk1
This is where the idea began to go downhill. And also where Sirius stopped trying to sing.
Insert your name here
Or she'll end up on the street!
Sirius
All you need is love…and food…and housing…
Insert your name here
Sirius! You're ruining it!
Sirius
I am not! I'm just doing a little…improvisation.
Emmablk1
CUT!
James
Why we ever tried to do musicals, I'll never know.
Remus
No, why we tried to do musicals with Sirius as the leads is a mystery.
Emmablk1
Yes…as you can see…the boys and I had different ideas about how to write this…and the best one won, obviously.
Sirius
My idea was better.
Lily
Sirius…making the story a Scottish opera didn't work. At all.
Sirius
Hey! Give it some credit.
James
Right. Rodgers and Hammerstein did a fine job on the lyrics.
Remus
Even though none of us can sing.
Emmablk1
Ahem…
Lily
You're the author- you don't count.
Sirius
Ok, we've seen James' romance catastrophes…what about Remus'?
James
We've seen your catastrophes too, Padfoot.
Sirius
I don't have catastrophes. I have misadventures.
Remus
Uh…I think all I have are rejections…
Lily
Aww! Remus is making me cry!
Emmablk1
Well, then it's a good thing we have a clip show of all the rejections!
Remus
How is that a good thing?
James
You're heartless.
Sirius
Sorry. I rub off on her.
Everyone except Sirius
We know.
Emmablk1
Roll the clip! Hehe! I've always wanted to say that.
Sirius
on screen presenting…! Sirius Lee Black's official Best Pick-up lines of the decade!
James
Huh?
Remus
What's this?
Sirius
Whoops. Was that what that tape was?
James
You taped over it with pick-up lines?
Sirius
Hey! Those are the best pick-up lines of the decade!
Lily
Who did you try these out on so that you knew they were the best?
Sirius
…
Sirius
Movie hey, babe…were you always this cute, or do you have to work at it?
Sirius
I tried them out on Snape. The angrier he got, the better the lines were.
James
And you didn't invite me!
Peter
Hey guys, what'd I miss?
Sirius
movie Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Peter
Never mind. I don't want to know.
Sirius
I'll have you know that these lines are guaranteed to score.
James
Yeah. With Snape.
Sirius
Movie Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Remus
Please turn it off before I puke.
Emmablk1
I was ready for the next topic, anyway.
Deleted Scenes:
James
Some of these were not my idea. In fact, all of these were not my idea.
Lily
Why'd you go along with them, then?
James
The cash.
Lily
And what exactly do you need cash for, James?
Sirius
Dungbombs.
Lily
What?
James
He means…jewelry…to buy for you.
Sirius
No, I mean dungbombs. You know, the small round things that you light with your wand and they are able to stink up the entire room before you can say 'Locomotor mortis'?
James
Sirius there is a thing called duct tape and it's on your mouth. Its invisible, but it's there.
Lily
I think I've lost all faith in him.
Sirius
I never had any faith in him to begin with.
James
Grrr…
Sirius
OUCH! I give! I give! Just joking! Just joking!
Emmablk1
Actually, some of these scenes aren't just ones that we cut out.
Peter
What are they?
Emmablk1
They're ones that I caught on my super secret hidden camera!
Remus
You did what now!
Emmablk1
I didn't do anything. You guys did all this on your own.
James
Wait. Do you mean the camera we found hidden in the fireplace?
Emmablk1
Uh…
Lily
And the one in the quidditch pitch?
Emmablk1
Er…
Sirius
And the one in the girl's quidditch showers?
Remus
What!
James
What!
Peter
What!
Lily
What!
Emmablk1
What!
Sirius
Oh sorry. That one's mine.
Lily
That's it. From now on I'm showering with a bathing suit on.
Emmablk1
ANYWAY…I think the people would like to see how the marauders really behave in their spare time…
Peter
Roll the clip!
Unknown Voice
On screen Girls just want to have fun, now. Oh! Girls just want to have fun!
James
The screen's black.
Sirius
Hey! I can't see who's about to get teased for the rest of his life!
Peter
Oh. Sorry. My hand was covering it.
Everyone except Remus
REMUS?
Remus
What? Can't a guy sing in his own spare time?
James
Yes, a guy can sing in his spare time.
Sirius
Just another song…like…uh…
James
Don't look at me.
Sirius
Like…a country balled.
Peter
A balled?
Remus
Country?
Sirius
Give me a break! You're the ones who put me on the spot!
Emmablk1
And 'My Achy Breaky Heart' is a very manly song to sing.
James
Huh?
Lily and Remus
Muggle country.
James
Oh.
Sirius
You mean the songs that always talk about how he loses the girl and he drinks away his sorrows?
Emmablk1
Basically.
Sirius
Suddenly I have some sort of craving for spiked butterbeer.
Peter
Hey, I found some more scenes!
James
Fabulous.
Sirius
On Screen Surrender, little one, or you shall never see the light of day again! MWHAHAHA! Say goodbye!
Lily
Uh…Sirius…is that my teddy bear?
Remus
How'd you get into the girl's dorms?
Sirius
Uh…er…that is to say…uh…
Emmablk1
Calm down. He was probably just deprived as a child.
Sirius
Exactly. What?
Emmablk1
You heard me.
Remus
Hey look! We made it to 30 pages!
James
We should celebrate.
Emmablk1
Ladies, and oddly enough, gentlemen, we're going to be taking a short intermission now.
Lily
Don't worry, though.
Sirius
We'll leave you something to entertain yourselves.
Peter
What would that be?
Sirius
I dunno know.
complete silence
Emmablk1
Hurry…put this tape in before they leave for good!
Sounds of a VCR being turned on and used
Movie starts
Sam
Frodo, I can't carry the ring, but I can carry you.
Music swells up as Sam carries him up the mountain
Sam
We're almost there, Mister Frodo!
James
Wait. What is this?
Remus
Whose is this?
Emmablk1
Hahaheh…oh…uh…that would be mine…
Sirius
What are you thinking, putting something like that in?
Emmablk1
I'm thinking that I could satisfy my Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings fetishes in one go.
Lily
What's Harry Potter?
James
And why does he have my last name?
Emmblk1
Oops. Just forget I said that.
Peter
Weren't we supposed to have some sort of intermission going on?
Sirius
Oh yeah.
Intermission!
Announcer
A public service announcement from the Marauders.
James
Don't drink and drive. Ever.
Sirius
I think that's good enough.
Peter
When's break?
Director
CUT! Do it again.
Take 2.
Sirius
Hi! We're the beloved guys that you all know and love and we're here today to talk to you about drugs.
James
That's right, Padfoot.
Remus
Drugs are bad. I would never suggest doing them.
Sirius
Unless, of course, you use them to make the Slytherins look stupid.
James
Like putting sleeping powder into their goblets!
Peter
Or leaving gillyweed around to trick them into eating it!
Sirius
Or sneaking into their common room at night and spraying the entire place with pus.
James
What does that have to do with using drugs?
Sirius
I dunno. It was just fun whenever we did it.
Remus
True.
Sirius
The point is drugs make you stupid.
James
And in the Slytherin's case, it makes you even stupider.
Remus
I don't think that's a word, Prongs.
James
Shh! We're filming!
Director
Sigh. Take 3.
five hours later
Remus
If you're watching this commercial, that probably means that you're on drugs or drinking.
Sirius
By the way, it's bad for you.
Peter
Thank you and good night.
End of Intermission
James
I'm never doing another PSA again.
Peter
I thought it was fun.
James
Only because there were donuts on set.
Sirius
Yeah. I still have nightmares.
Peter
You mean about the donuts?
Sirius
I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
Remus
Why are we talking about donuts again?
James
I'm not sure…Sirius, do you want to fill this one?
Sirius
Not really.
Peter
Hey, Lily?
Lily
What?
Peter
Do you still have that mood ring that James gave you?
Lily
…
Remus
…
James
…
Sirius
…
Peter
What? Did I do something wrong?
James
Wormtail…sometimes I think it's better if you just stay quiet.
Sirius
Yeah, it gives you time to actually use your brain.
Remus
Does he actually have one of those things?
Lily
I have no earthly idea.
Peter
Hey! Let's go spike the butterbeer again!
Lily
You know, there once was a time when no one would spike the butterbeer.
Sirius
Say it ain't so!
James
Sigh.
Emmablk1
Ahem.
Remus
So…what to do…what to do…
Emmablk1
Ahem.
Sirius
We could just repeat 'what to do' over and over again.
James
Why?
Emmablk1
Ahem.
Sirius
For easy entertainment.
Emmablk1
AHEM!
Peter
What is that annoying sound!
Emmablk1
IT'S ME, YOU IDIOTS!
Sirius
Oh yeah…you're still here?
Lily
How rude!
Sirius
I'm sorry; did I not make it clear that you are not entitled to your own opinion?
James
Wait, who was that directed to?
Sirius
I donno.
Emmablk1
This has taken a sudden, disturbing turn.
Remus
I'm under the impression that we've turned so much that we're now facing backwards.
Sirius
Huh?
Remus
Don't try to understand, Padfoot; your brain might explode.
Peter
Weren't we supposed to be doing something important?
Lily
Hmmm…good question.
Emmablk1
I think it's time we end it.
James
End it!
Peter
But why?
Emmablk1
I should think that is plainly obvious.
Sirius
Because Peter suddenly joined the cast again?
Remus
Sigh. We are still allowed to hit him very hard, aren't we?
Emmablk1
It's in his contract.
James
Good.
Sirius
OUCH!
Remus
You know what?
Peter
What?
Remus
I think that is kinda takes away to boringness if we all keep hitting him.
James
That's the best thing that I've heard all day.
Emmablk1
Hey, hey! If you over-exert him, then when he passes out, it won't be any fun anymore.
Lily
Good point.
Sirius
Somebody…anybody…why is it always the dog…?
James
You're the one who always wants to be the center of attention.
Sirius
No, that's you.
James
Is not!
Sirius
Is too!
James
Is not!
Sirius
Is too!
Emmablk1
They never shut up.
Lily
But banging your head against the table is better than any medication.
Remus
I know what we can do!
James
What might that be?
Remus
Truth or dare; Wizarding Style!
Peter
What's the difference between that and the muggle truth or dare?
Remus
Because if you don't complete a dare or answer a truth, you get a hex put on you.
Sirius
Hehehehe…MWHAHAHAHA!
Lily
Uh oh…
Emmablk1
I don't like the sound of that laugh.
James
This is bringing back some rather unpleasant memories.
Peter
Like the time when you had two noses.
Remus
And you caught a cold and starting sneezing out of both noses?
James
Why are we bringing that up?
Emmablk1
'Cause it's fun.
Peter
Who's going first?
Lily
Um…Sirius!
Sirius
Why is it always me!
Remus
Let me count the whys…you're the dog, you're the easiest to pick on next to Peter, you come up with really good dares, you're a terrible lier…
James
You can stop now.
Sirius
You know, dog backwards spells god.
Remus
Oh yes, and you also have a bloated ego…
Sirius
That most likely means that you guys should worship me.
James
Keep dreaming, buddy.
Peter
I'm not getting down on my hands and knees.
Emmablk1
Me either.
Sirius
C'mon, think about it! It makes perfect sense!
Lily
In what world?
James
The demented one in his head.
Lily
That one's scary.
James
I know. We try to keep him from returning to it.
Remus
That means to stop him from thinking.
Emmablk1
Aren't we supposed to be playing a game of some sort?
Sirius
Hey, I'm not dumb!
Emmablk1
Hello?
James
You're right.
Remus
You're idiotic.
James
No, wait…that's Peter.
Emmablk1
Don't ignore the author!
Peter
Yeah, don't confuse the two.
Emmablk1
I wanna play truth or dare!
Sirius
I make good marks on my papers, you know.
Remus
We also all cheat off of each other, too.
James
Well, mostly off of Remus.
Sirius
That's not the point.
Lily
This is ridiculous.
Emmablk1
Can't we ever stay on topic for once?
Sirius
Do I have to prove to you guys that I'm really smarter that I look?
Lily
I think they're going to ignore us.
James
How would you manage to convince us, O Great One?
Sirius
First off, you can keep calling me that.
Emmablk1
Maybe we should leave.
Lily
Maybe we should.
James
See, like I said, an oversized ego.
Remus
No, I said that.
James
Sorry.
Lily
James, don't confuse him with yourself.
Emmablk1
We're never going to play this game, are we?
Sirius
I swear that I'll prove to you guys that I'm smarter than you give me credit for.
Lily
He didn't listen to me!
Emmablk1
I really think we should leave.
Lily
Let's.
Peter
And like it's been stated before, how?
Sirius
Uh…
Remus
That's not a very good start.
Sirius
Shut up! I'm thinking!
James
Uh oh…I thought he was never going to do that again.
Remus
We should have stopped him when we had the chance.
James
It's very hazardous to his health.
Remus
But since when were we concerned about that?
Peter
Hey, where did Lily and Emmablk1 go?
Remus
I don't know. I never heard them leave.
Sirius
I've got it!
James
Got what?
Sirius
Darn it, now you made me forget!
Peter
Forget what?
Sirius
AGHHH! Stop that!
Remus
This makes no sense.
James
It doesn't have to make sense; this is Sirius we're talking about here.
Sirius
I told you, I'm smarter than I seem!
Remus
I think he's proving it to us by telling us in different ways that he's smarter than we think he is.
Peter
That's confusing.
James
Hmm…that's tricky.
Sirius
What's tricky?
Remus
How you're proving to us that you're really smart.
Sirius
I am? I mean, I am! Wait…how…?
James
Never mind, he got side-tracked.
Remus
That's never a good thing.
Peter
I thought we were going to play a game.
James
I'm surprised that we've even gotten this far without realizing that.
Sirius
Yeah, well, you're the one who didn't realize it when his own girlfriend left.
James
Oh yeah? You're the one without a girlfriend!
Sirius
Wow. That was real witty.
James
Shut up.
Sirius
Make me.
James
Ok I will!
Remus
…
Peter
…
Sirius
…
James
…
Sirius
Are you just going to stand there all night?
James
Suddenly it just occurred to me how many twists and turns that this fic has taken since the beginning.
Peter
I'm confused…
Remus
We all are.
Sirius
Yeah, weren't we at James and Lily's wedding at the beginning?
Remus
But then we found out that it was just a plot device to segway into talking about all the stupid stuff we've done.
James
Ah…plot devices.
Remus
It seems to me that the author really didn't know where she was going.
Sirius
Which is true about her in fact.
James
I hope she doesn't smite us for being mean to her behind her back.
Peter
Nah…
Sirius
She loves me too much.
Remus
I think that calls for an awkward silence.
James
Definitely.
Remus
…
James
…
Peter
…
Sirius
…
James
so…what to do now…
Peter
we could beat up Sirius again.
James
Nah…that's lost it's luster.
Sirius
Need I remind you chaps about the dog/god thing?
James
No!
Remus
No!
Peter
No!
James
The last thing we need is something extra to inflate your ego more.
Remus
Or yours, right Jamesie-Poo?
James
What was that!
Sirius
Boo Boo Bear?
James
Stop that!
Peter
Haha…octopus!
James
Huh?
Sirius
Huh?
Remus
Huh?
Peter
Oh, sorry…I thought we were randomly calling him things.
James
Sigh.
Sirius
I do feel sorry for you sometimes, Wormtail.
James
Why is that?
Sirius
Because he doesn't have my mind, of course!
Remus
Be grateful.
James
If only he had that privilege.
Sirius
You're just jealous.
James
Right…
Remus
You know, maybe we shouldn't have promised to give them sixty pages.
James
Maybe we should stop it right here.
Peter
Haha!
Sirius
They really thought we were stopping!
Remus
They're so naïve!
James
Hey, guess who else is naïve?
Remus
Who?
James
You!
Remus
That wasn't funny.
James
Sirius can't stop laughing.
Sirius
That's because Sirius is an idiot.
James
Point taken.
Peter
May I please go home now?
Sirius
Yeah, I've been here all day…
Emmablk1
No.
James
Whoa! Where did you come from!
Emmablk1
From my mother, where did you think?
James
Huh?
Remus
Don't try to think.
James
Okay.
Peter
Boy, that was easy.
Sirius
Now if the same principal could make him shut up…
James
Ha, ha.
Sirius
You're right; it was funny.
Emmablk1
Anyway…you guys can't go home now!
Remus
Why?
Emmablk1
Because I just got on a major sugar rush and I need other people around me to make me look less stupid.
Peter
Really?
Emmablk1
No.
Sirius
So you really do care about us?
Emmablk1
Uh…
Sirius
Yah! She loves us, she really loves us!
Remus
Suddenly I'm getting the image of Sirius sitting in a field of flowers saying, 'she loves us, she loves us not…she loves us, she loves us not…'
James
Disturbing, isn't it?
Emmablk1
Stop…hugging…me…
Peter
Creepy…
James
I hate it when Sirius starts acting all lovey-dovey.
Remus
It freaks me out for days.
Emmblk1
I need to cleanse myself.
Remus
Are you still trying to sell him?
Emmablk1
Hmm…what's the offer?
Remus
Hey, I don't want him!
Emmablk1
Just asking.
James
This is starting to get a little boring…
Peter
Yeah…
Sirius
Let's play strip poker!
Remus
That's a stupid idea.
James
Yeah…we don't have any cards.
Sirius
Darn it…
Emmablk1
I think we might want to call in some extra help to get the ball rolling again.
Peter
Uh oh…who are you talking about?
Remus
You're not thinking what I think you're thinking…?
Emmablk1
That depends on what I think you're thinking that I'm thinking.
James
This is getting really confusing really quickly.
Remus
Well…what I think you're thinking that I'm thinking you're thinking is that you're about to call Jessie, your slightly psychotic friend.
Emmablk1
I'm thinking you're right! And you get the prize! Cue the applause.
James
See, this is why Remus is the smart one.
Sirius
Remember-
Peter
Yes, we know…you're smart, too.
Remus
Please, I'm begging you, I'll do anything! Just don't call Jessie!
Emmblk1
Hmm…and that would be?
Remus
Uh….I'll…I'll…clean your room?
Emmablk1
Not good enough.
James
We'll do your chores?
Sirius
Where did you get the 'we' out of that?
Emmablk1
Nope.
Peter
We'll do all your homework for a full year!
Sirius
That is, Remus and Lily will be doing all your homework for a full year.
Emmablk1
Nada. Sorry boys, but I'm afraid I have no choice.
Peter
No!
Remus
Please don't torture us like this!
Emmablk1
Remus, what are you talking about? You LIKE Jessie, remember?
Remus
Oh yeah…
Sirius
Dork.
Remus
What was that?
Sirius
I said fork. As in, I need a fork; where's my fork!
Emmablk1
JESSIE!
James
She's gonna be thrilled that she's even in this, isn't she?
Peter
Yep.
Sirius
Everyone brace yourselves…
Jessie
Hello.
Sirius
AHHHH! THE TORTURE! THE HUMILIATION! THE DEPRAVATION! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! HOW COULD YOU BRING HER HERE TO MAKE US SUFFER!
Jessie
Sirius…calm down.
James
Tone it down a little, Padfoot.
Remus
She's not that bad.
Jessie
MWAHAHAHAHA!
Remus
I might have said that a little too quickly.
Emmablk1
That got the ball rolling!
James
Yeah…all the way down a steep hill into what was formerly known as the marauders!
Jessie
Oh shush, Jamesie-Poo.
Peter
I'm sorry, but I fail to see what makes Jessie so horrible.
Sirius
Is it the fact that she has 666 in blood written on her forehead?
Jessie
Oh that? I just came back from sea camp.
James
A sea camp in hell?
Jessie
No…a sea camp in Galveston.
Emmablk1
And she didn't even get it there. I painted it on her forehead before she came in to scare you guys.
Sirius
Well obviously it didn't work…
Emmablk1
Aw…Jessie's harmless…a little crazy and a little obsessed over Elijah Wood and Orlando Bloom, but who isn't these days?
Jessie
No, you're the one who's obsessed with Elijah Wood.
Emmablk1
Oh yeah…
Peter
Elijah who?
Jessie
Never mind that, let's just sit down and talk like normal high school kids.
Jmes
No way.
Sirius
No.
Emmablk1
Okay, just what did Jessie do to make you guys so scared of her?
Sirius
It's giving me the shudders even as I think about it…
James
Me too…
Sirius
You want to tell it, Prongs?
James
Alright…let's see…it was a dark and stormy night…
Prongs
No it wasn't.
James
Oh, sorry, it was a bright a cheerful day, but how were we to know of the dangers that lurk around every corner in Diagon Alley!
Jessie
Cut out the dramatics.
Sirius
Aw, man!
Peter
Keep going.
James
Anyway…Sirius and I were walking along peacefully towards Olivander's to get some repair done on my wand after someone sat on it.
Sirius
James, you were the one who sat on it.
James
Thank you, Sirius…
Sirius
You're welcome.
Remus
Uh…I don't think he meant that in a nice way, Sirius.
Sirius
Oh.
Emmablk1
This is where you're supposed to say you're sorry, Siri.
Sirius
Don't call me that.
James
Then, out of nowhere…there came a bolt of something that looked like lightening flashing across the sky, streaking toward us and finally collapsing on top of both of us, giving us concussions and knocking us out for days.
Jessie
Uh…I didn't do that.
James
What do you mean!
Jessie
Sirius did that to you a couple of weeks ago.
Remus
And you were only out for a couple of minutes.
Sirius
Boy, what a memory you have…
James
You couldn't remember, either!
Sirius
What difference does that make!
James
Grrr…
Sirius
OUCH! RESTRAIN HIM! RESTRAIN HIM!
Jessie
This is very sad.
Peter
This happens all the time.
Jessie
That's very sad, too.
Remus
You wanna get some ice cream with Peter and me?
Emmblk1
Yeah!
Jessie
Besides, sometimes it's best just to let them fight and let all their energy give out.
Emmablk1
Good idea.
Jessie
Thanks!
Emmablk1
I knew I called you here for a reason.
Sirius
WHAT DID YOU CALL MY MOTHER!
James
I ONLY CALLED HER WHAT YOU CALLED HER LAST NIGHT!
Sirius
Oh yeah…BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN SAY IT!
James
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME I COULD SAY IT!
Sirius
SHUT UP!
James
NO, YOU!
Remus
Sigh.
Peter
Sigh.
Jessie
Sigh.
Emmablk1
Sigh.
Sirius
Hey, where'd they go?
James
It says here on the note that Remus left us, doofus.
Sirius
That's not the worst thing I've been called.
James
It was the only thing I could think of.
Sirius
They went to go get ice cream!
James
Without us!
Sirius
Who wouldn't want us around!
James
That does pose some interesting questions…
Sirius
Let's not think about that at the moment, shall we?
James
We shall.
Sirius
…
James
…
Sirius
now what?
James
Does Emmablk1 expect us to finish her fic on our own?
Sirius
She does know that we're seriously, not to mention dangerously under-qualified for the job, right?
James
I'm not so sure about that…
Sirius
You end it.
James
Why me!
Sirius
You're the smarter one!
James
You spent an entire ten pages going on about how smart you really are-
Sirius
And how nobody appreciates my talents-don't forget that one.
James
And now you're calling me the smart one!
Sirius
Yes…you're point being?
James
You're absolutely right.
Sirius
Well…go ahead…end it.
James
Ahem.
Sirius
…
James
…
Sirius
That's it!
James
No! Hold on a minute.
Sirius
I'll hold on as long as I can, but I don't think it'll do much good.
James
You're blocking my concentration!
Sirius
Boy, how did I manage to do that?
James
Shut up! You're the one who's too scared to end it!
Sirius
No I'm not!
James
Go ahead, then!
Sirius
The End. There.
James
That doesn't count.
Sirius
What do you mean that doesn't count? It ended it, right?
James
If it ended it, then why are we still talking to each other?
Sirius
That's none of your concern.
James
Oh my gosh…
Sirius
What?
James
You're giving me a headache again.
Sirius
Again? This happens often?
James
If I were a muggle, I'd be overdosing on aspirin.
Sirius
Not funny.
Emmablk1
Guys, you can't even end a stupid fic right?
James
You mean you wanted us to end it?
Emmablk1
Well, at the staff meeting you said you wanted more responsibilities, right?
Sirius
Oh yeah…
Emmablk1
Then do it correctly!
Sirius
Ok!
James
On behalf of the entire Marauders and their staff-
Sirius
We wish to wish a merry Christmas!
James
Wrong holiday.
Sirius
I mean…a lovely fourth of July!
Emmablk1
That one's already passed!
James
And it's an American Muggle holiday!
Sirius
Uh…Happy…End of the Fic?
Emmablk1
Good enough.
James
And have a happy new year!
Emmablk1
Do you know the words to the muggle song 'deck the halls'?
James
No.
Emmablk1
Then make it up as you go!
The entire cast
Deck the halls with lots of dumgbombs!
Falalalala, lalalala!
'Tis the season to smell stinky!
Falalalala, lalalala!
Don't follow me as I set them off!
Falalala, lalala, lalala!
Or we'll get punished and get kicked off! (the Quidditch team, that is…)
Falalalala, lalalala!
Emmblk1
Remind me never to sing with you guys again.
Remus
Or at least to not try harmony.
Peter
Or make up a song as you go.
Lily
Yeah that really stunk.
Emmablk1
Sigh.
Emmablk1: July 23, 2005
11:25 pm