Introducing…
The Amazing…(because I didn't ever think I'd make this)
The Talented…(no, not the fic; the characters)
The Miraculous…(because, as I said, I didn't think I'd get this far)
Interruptions, Part Five
Otherwise Known As The Works of Madness Continued…
tears up my gosh…I didn't think I'd ever write five whole things fics of this! And for those of you who are worrying…No, this one is not 63 pages…lol. It will be the usual length. I told you that the only reason the last one was so long was that I thought it would be the last one.
Most of you are laughing at me right now, aren't you?
Ok…read and review.
Luv u all!
Lily
Remus…I have something important to tell you and I don't know exactly how to say it.
Remus
You're not going to do something stupid, are you?
Lily
Uh…no.
Remus
Like, for instance, dye your hair, get a bad perm-
Lily
I like my hair just the way it is, thank you.
Remus
-get a tattoo or pierce your nose or break up with James or start dating Sirius or-
Lily
Remus!
Remus
What-OUCH!
Lily
Sorry.
Remus
It's alright.
Lily
You were stuck in a loop. I had to do something.
Remus
Sorry. Sirius wouldn't let any of us go to sleep last night.
Lily
He made his stomach talk again?
Remus
Worse. He and James got drunk and started to sing show tunes. There was no way that Wormtail and I could have gotten out of it.
Lily
I am eternally ashamed of my husband.
Remus
You mean that you couldn't hear them?
Lily
I soundproof all of our walls whenever you guys come to visit.
Remus
What was is that you wanted to tell me?
Lily
Oh…I don't know how to tell you this.
Remus
Lily, we've been friends for eight or nine years and you can't trust me?
Lily
Ok, but you can't tell James.
Remus
Uh oh.
Lily
What does that mean?
Remus
It's just that whenever someone tries to hide something from James he finds out.
Lily
That's ridiculous.
Remus
Sirius tells him.
Lily
That makes sense.
Remus
So…
Lily
So…
Remus
Are you going to tell me?
Lily
Sigh. Ok…Remus…I'm pregnant.
Remus
That's wonderful! You and James are going to have a baby! …it is James', right?
Lily
Ewww! Yes!
Remus
Good.
Lily
But I don't know-
Remus
Whether it's a boy or girl?
Lily
No.
Remus
If you're going to allow James to appoint Sirius as Godfather?
Lily
No, but I've got to talk to him about that.
Remus
How to tell James that you refuse to name the kid Rufus?
Lily
Close…keep guessing.
Remus
I can't think of anymore.
Lily
Remus, you're supposed to be the smart one!
Remus
Sorry! I don't get to talk as much when Sirius and James are around.
Lily
Sigh. I just don't know how to tell James.
Remus
We don't have to tell him yet.
Lily
We have to tell him sometime.
Remus
Don't worry! Everything will be fine.
Lily
Thanks. I guess that all we can do for now is drop some subtle hints.
Remus
Subtly doesn't usually work with James. He's too thick-headed.
Lily
It's all we can do right now. I'm not ready to tell him yet.
Remus
C'mon. let's go get some chocolate.
Lily
Is that your answer for everything!
Remus
Sometimes.
Yay! We brought back Harry, Ron and Hermione!
Harry
Sigh.
Ron
What are you so depressed about?
Harry
It's just that now that you and Hermione are officially 'together' I'm kinda lonely.
Hermione
You could date Ginny again.
Harry
I can't, remember? Dark Lord Voldemort, too dangerous, blah, blah, blah…
Hermione
Well there had to be something to do around here.
Ron
Besides helping Phlegm and Bill get ready for their wedding, you mean?
Hermione
Ron, suggesting that they use trolls as bridesmaids and goblins as groomsmen wasn't called being helpful.
Harry
Right. It's called being bloody brilliant.
Hermione
No, its called being annoying.
Ron
C'mon. You knew you thought it was funny.
Hermione
No I didn't.
Ron
Admit it! You think I'm funny.
Hermione
Ron, be quiet.
Ron
You think I am half the time.
Hermione
Well…
Ron
Yay! She loves me!
Hermione
I never said that!
Ron
You were thinking it.
Hermione
Were not!
Harry
Sigh.
Ron
What's the matter, Harry?
Harry
Haven't we been over this already?
Ron
Oh, yeah…the whole 'no-dating-until-you-vanquish-he-who-must-not-be-named-rule.'
Hermione
I think he's getting depressed.
Harry
I am not!
Ron
Denial.
Harry
Argh!
Ron
Whoa! Harry…think a minute before you hex me! I'm your best mate, right?
Harry
Sorry. The whole teenage brooding thing is getting to me again.
Hermione
I think that we should make a list…
Ron
Not with the lists again…
Harry
She's your girlfriend.
Hermione
…of all the things that we could be doing, but are too lazy to.
Ron
Hmmm…
Harry
Hmmm…does that count as brooding?
Hermione
Yes.
Harry
Then let's do it!
Hermione
Alright…#1. we could be reading.
Ron
You planned this, didn't you?
Harry
Hermione! Lay off the books, will ya?
Ron
Yeah!
Hermione
Oh, I don't know what you're yeah-ing about, Ronald! You still haven't finished Hogwarts, A History and you started it back in first year!
Harry
That's one overdue library book. Madame Pince is going to have your arse.
Ron
You know why I haven't read all of it yet, Hermione? Because it's boring! B-O-R-I-N-G!
Hermione
You take that back!
Ron
No way, picklefray!
Hermione
Picklefray?
Ron
Picklefray?
Ron
It was the only thing I could think of that rhymed.
Harry
Ok, new #1. Instead it's 'we could be playing Quidditch.'
Ron
Much better.
Hermione
Oh, really! Is that all you two think about?
Harry
Yes.
Ron
Yes.
Hermione
Honestly. I'm going to find Ginny.
Ron
…
Harry
…
Ron
Want to play chess?
Harry
Yeah, all right.
Back to the Marauders! Yay!
Sirius
James! James! I've got to talk to you!
James
When you say 'I', do you mean you or your stomach?
Sirius
Me.
James
Wow. You must actually be serious.
Sirius
What do you mean? I am Sirius.
James
I let myself fall for that one, didn't I?
Sirius
Yep.
James
Remind me never to do that again.
Sirius
I'm sorry, what?
James
Don't make me hurt you.
Sirius
Like you even could.
James
That's interesting. Care to bet on that?
Sirius
No thanks. You still owe me money from the last time we were betting. I don't trust you anymore.
James
Oh for Merlin's sake…
Sirius
Don't you try to deny it.
James
Why are you even here?
Sirius
You invited me into your lovely home, remember? Boy, what a mistake that was…
James
No, I mean-
Sirius
Peter and Remus are here also, remember?
James
That's not what I meant-
Sirius
Is Lily hitting you too hard over the head? Is that why your brain is no longer working?
James
WILL YOU JUST LET ME FINISH A SENTENCE!
Sirius
Well, technically I just did.
James
Shut up.
Sirius
Oh, wait…you wanted to know why I came over here to tell you something?
James
Yes...please hurry up…
Sirius
I don't know if you're going to like this.
James
Oh no…what is it?
Sirius
In fact, I know that you're not going to like this.
James
Tell me, Padfoot…
Sirius
Maybe I should just leave well enough alone.
James
Since when have you ever done that?
Sirius
Hmm…good question.
James
Will you just tell me!
Sirius
I think…well…I think that…erm…Lily and Remus are…uh…how to phrase this so that you don't explode on me…
James
What is going on here!
Sirius
IoverheardLilyandRemustalkingandIthinkthatLilyischeatingonyou!
James
WHAT!
Sirius
You could understand that?
James
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!
Sirius
Wow…maybe I underestimated your listening ability.
James
LILY AND REMUS!
Sirius
I know…they're complete opposites.
James
This isn't the time to make jokes, Sirius…
Sirius
o…k….
James
Tell me straight…did you or did you not hear Lily and Remus cheating together?
Sirius
Well…it's either that or she's pregnant.
James
I'M GOING TO KILL REMUS!
Sirius
Did you even hear me?
James
WHERE IS HE!
Sirius
Uh…James? I just thought of something…
James
beep beep beep
Sirius
Ouch…I don't think we're allowed to show that on a fanfic…
James
That's not the point!
Sirius
Sorry.
James
Excuse me, I have to go and kill them both now.
Sirius
No wait! You can't do that!
James
Why not!
Sirius
Because if you kill Lily she'll come back and haunt you and if you kill Remus, then…well…we don't need him to copy homework from anymore…but…he probably knows the answer to the ultimate question of life or whatever.
James
Humph.
Sirius
Trust me on this one. I have a plan.
James
Those are not the words I really want to hear right now.
Sirius
Hey, my plans are always good ones!
James
And they always landed us in detention!
Sirius
Details. It was all usually your fault anyway.
James
Sigh…ok…you're calming me down…what's your great and mighty plan?
Sirius
Thank you for recognizing its beauty.
James
I'm going to hit you.
Sirius
Well, at least you gave me warning this time.
James
Get one with it!
Sirius
Ok, ok! Sheesh…we need Wormtail for this.
James
…
Sirius
What!
James
Wormtail? Since when have we needed Wormtail?
Sirius
Since…now.
James
And what, pray tell, do we need him for?
Sirius
For the plan! Have you been paying attention?
James
Yes!
Sirius
Just checking.
James
Just tell me what the plan is supposed to be.
Sirius
We use Wormtail to spy on Remus and Lily.
James
No.
Sirius
No! Why!
James
Because it is statistically proven that Peter cannot spy.
Sirius
Really? Statistically?
James
99 of 100 people surveyed say that they have witnessed him trying to spy on them. Badly.
Sirius
Wow. Who was the one person who didn't see him?
James
That would be a sleeping portrait.
Sirius
Those odds aren't so good.
James
See my point?
Sirius
Well, he's the only person we've got.
James
But why does it have to be Peter?
Sirius
I just told you why.
James
But…but…we could get…uh…that guy from school to do it…who was it?
Sirius
I don't know. Did he have hair and eyes?
James
Stop being a smart alec.
Sirius
Well, at least you admitted that I'm smart.
James
We have to think of someone else.
Sirius
Why are you so dead-set against having Peter do it?
James
…
Sirius
James, is there something that you're hiding from me?
James
…
Sirius
You know that I can read your mind, right?
James
…
Sirius
I'm going to bite you if you don't tell me.
James
I think he's in love with Lily.
Sirius
…
James
Sirius?
Sirius
…
James
Very funny. Don't try to hold back. You can laugh.
Sirius
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
James
You think I'm being a little irrational?
Sirius
No! I'm just trying to picture Lily with Peter!
James
Oh, thanks for the mental image.
Sirius
Now we HAVE to have Peter do it!
James
Agh…fine.
Sirius
Yay!
James
You're torturing me on purpose, aren't you?
Sirius
No, I'm just having too much fun messing around with your life.
James
I was afraid of that.
Sirius
It's not that scary!
James
Would you want you to be in control of your life?
Sirius
…
James
Confused?
Sirius
Yes…
James
The answer is 'no.'
Sirius
Oh.
James
Where is Peter, anyway?
Sirius
Flirting with Lily?
James
Don't even tease me with that.
Sirius
Sorry.
James
Wait, he just walked in.
Sirius
Now, how do we do this without him screwing it all up?
James
….
Sirius
What?
James
You didn't consider that before you brought me this 'great' plan of yours!
Sirius
Uh…Peter! How nice to see you!
Peter
Uh…hi?
James
What's the matter?
Sirius
Yeah, why do you look like you're afraid that we're going to pounce you?
James
Besides the fact that we've done it before?
Peter
I know those looks.
James and Sirius
What looks?
Peter
They mean that you two are going to make me do something I don't want to do.
Sirius
How did he know that?
James
Well, he is our only guinea pig.
Peter
I am not a pig!
Sirius
No, it means a test animal.
Peter
Oh…I am not a test animal!
Sirius
We're not getting anywhere with this approach.
James
New tactic!
Sirius
Peter, how would you like to aid us with helping James and Lily out?
Peter
Why, is their marriage in trouble?
James
Not unless it has to be…
Peter
James' vein is popping out on his forehead again.
Sirius
James, control you're temper; you're scaring Peter.
Peter
What do you mean by 'helping'?
Sirius
By….oh, you know, a little of walking around where Lily is without her seeing you….some more of following her where ever she goes…that sort of thing.
Peter
You mean to stalk her?
James
…
Sirius
…
James
Do you even know what that means, Wormtail?
Peter
I know that someone almost put a restraining order against me because of it.
Sirius
…
James
…
Sirius
Not even going to go there.
James
Sigh…it's not stalking, Peter, it's called spying.
Peter
Oh.
James
Whew. That could have lead to something potentially disastrous.
Peter
You know I'm not very good at that, right?
Sirius
Well, as long as there's a fine line between spying and stalking then that doesn't really matter at the moment.
Peter
Alright, I'll do it.
James and Sirius
Yay!
Peter
Why are you guys so insistent that I do it, anyways?
Sirius
…
James
…
Sirius
Go ahead, James. Tell him your theory.
James
Shut it.
Sirius
James thinks that Remus and Lily are doing the naughty.
Peter
The…what?
James
You…don't…know what…that is?
Peter
Uh…no?
James
Oh. My. Bloody. Hel-
Emmablk1
Hey, we can't say things like that in a PG fic.
James
Yeah, yeah.
Emmablk1
Sorry. Just thought that I should point that out. I'm terribly sorry for the lapse in the storyline.
Sirius
ANYWAYS…James thinks that Remus and Lily have betrayed him.
Peter
They've done what now?
Sirius
Oh my gosh….how to explain this in the simplest terms…?
James
Let me try. I think that Lily and Remus are cheating on me with each other.
Peter
Huh? In what game?
Sirius
In the game of looove.
James
You didn't have to say it in such a deep voice.
Sirius
It's called 'ambiance' look it up.
James
I would if it even existed.
Peter
I've never played that game. What're the rules?
Sirius
AGH! James thinks that R-E-M-U-S and L-I-L-Y are having S-E-X behind his back!
James
I cannot believe you just wrote that.
Sirius
Well, technically I spelled it out, not wrote it out.
Peter
…
James
Peter…?
Sirius
Does he get it now?
James
I don't know…he's not saying anything.
Sirius
He looks frozen.
James
Hmm…now the question is whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Sirius
Peter?
Peter
I'll help you.
James
Even though Sirius traumatized you for life?
Sirius
Are you sure you're ok? You're white and shaking.
Peter
I'll help as long as you never repeat that word to me again.
Sirius
Yeesh, where does he think we are- middle school?
James
Apparently.
Peter
You won't repeat it, will you?
Sirius
Fine. But we're still allowed to talk about it after you've left the room, right?
Peter
As long as I don't know anything about those conversations.
Sirius
Okay.
It's time for a little Hermione, Harry, and Ron time before we get into the final stages of Peter spying on Lily and Remus…(They're here for comic relief!)
Hermione
…
Ron
…
Harry
…
Hermione
That's all we're here for!
Ron
Comic relief!
Emmablk1
Well…when I get stuck on the marauders it's just easy to come and write for you three instead.
Harry
Oh I see how it is, then.
Emmablk1
See how what is?
Harry
We're just the back-up singers in your band.
Emmablk1
Huh?
Ron
I agree.
Hermione
How unusual.
Emmablk1
Huh. Well, first of all, if I did have a band, I wouldn't go so far as to have back-up singers. I'd be the star.
Harry
Nice use of self-control.
Emmablk1
Thank you. And second of all…who's in this band of mine? It's all hot guys, right? Because that would be great!
Ron
…
Harry
…
Hermione
…
Emmablk1
Sorry.
Harry and Ron
You should be.
Hermione
You should just get back to the story now.
Ron
Yeah, and leave the comic relief to us.
Harry
Ron, that's exactly what we were fighting against.
Ron
Oh. Right. I knew that.
Hermione
Lo and behold, viewers; my boyfriend.
Ron
Hey, you were the one who picked me.
Hermione
And I never regretted that choice.
Ron
And I never regretted accepting that choice.
Harry
Egh. This isn't going to turn into one of your 'you're cuter!... no you're cuter!' types of things, is it?
Emmablk1
Oh god I hope not.
Harry
Because if it is, I want to get out of the room before it starts.
Hermione
Snookiepus.
Ron
Sweetums.
Emmablk1
Oh gosh…c'mon Harry, let's go find some food.
Harry
Yeah, maybe getting myself fat will distract myself from Ron and Hermione.
Emmablk1
That's the spirit.
And, finally, after that short break, we (The Infamous Marauders) are back to finish the story!
Lily
I just wanted to thank you so much for keeping my secret, Remus.
Remus
You're welcome, Lily.
Lily
I also just wanted to say thanks for not letting it slip up at the dinner table as to why I couldn't drink the wine last night.
Remus
No problem.
Lily
I also wanted to thank you for also not telling James the truth whenever he stopped talking to you last night for no apparent reason and almost sucker punched you when you kept bugging him about it.
Remus
Uh…it was nothing?
Lily
I just wanted to say what a good friend you are to me for not saying anything to Sirius when he gave you the third degree and rambled on about ham for three hours trying to cover up the fact that he thinks you're up to something.
Remus
Uh…Lily? You can stop thanking me now.
Lily
Why?
Remus
It brings up painful memories.
Lily
Oh, right. See, I should have realized that when James saw the little baby clothes that I had snuck into the house and he thought that you had done something crazy (which I'm not exactly sure what he was talking about) and tried to punch you again. And that he really hit you on the side of your jaw.
Remus
Really. Shut up now.
Lily
Oh. Sorry.
Remus
Lily, I'm not really sure how long I can keep this up.
Lily
The secret?
Remus
No, the fact that I'm a werewolf…yes the secret!
Lily
I thought you might say that, but I'm really not ready to tell James the truth yet. I mean, everything's finally settled down from post-wedding apocalypse.
Remus
True. But I think that everything will be a lot calmer if you actually told him the truth.
Lily
Not to mention that he'd stop trying to hit you less.
Remus
Yes. That too.
Lily
Why was he so crazy last night, anyways?
Remus
I'm pretty sure it's because he thinks we're having an affair. Or, rather, you're having an affair…I'm not really sure on how that all works.
Lily
Oh, please. He couldn't think that!
Remus
Then why is Peter spying on us?
Lily
I just assumed that he was stalking me again.
Remus
Again!
Lily
Well, there was this time in third year when I felt like I was constantly being watched.
Remus
And it was Peter!
Lily
Well, yes. But it all turned out ok.
Remus
…
Lily
It really did!
Remus
I'm sure.
Lily
Believe what you will.
Remus
Lily, James sent Peter to spy on us to make sure we're not actually cheating on him.
Lily
But why would he send Peter? He's the worst spy ever.
Remus
Because James would have killed me with anticipation by now, fueled by jealousy. And Sirius would have burped…or something of that nature.
Lily
True.
Remus
Do you think he knows that we know that he's watching us?
Lily
No. He's just kind of sitting there behind the couch. Apparently he can't hear us at the kitchen table from over there.
Remus
Deafness comes with growing up with James and Sirius.
Lily
Ah. Wow, that explains a lot.
Remus
Yeah. I know.
Lily
I guess I should tell him the truth, then.
Remus
It shouldn't be as hard as you're making it out to be.
Lily
Remus, have you ever had a husband?
Remus
No…
Lily
Have you ever been pregnant and had to tell said husband that you were so?
Remus
Uh…that would be a no. And always a no.
Lily
Then you don't know what I'm talking about.
Remus
Fair enough.
Lily
I'll go find James.
Remus
I believe he's in your bedroom with Sirius.
Lily
Why does that sound so wrong?
Remus
They're planning on how to make us confess.
Lily
Oh, good. That was the answer I was hoping for.
To Sirius and James once again…
Sirius
So I think that we should start with Remus first. He should crack sooner than Lily on the whole subject.
James
Good plan.
Sirius
Who's knocking?
James
I don't know.
Sirius
Go away! We're…uh…naked!
James
Sirius!
Sirius
What?...oh. sorry.
Lily
And why would you be naked in my bedroom?
James
It's my bedroom too!
Lily
Just let me come in. I have to talk to you.
Sirius
She's going to confess without the fun of torture!
James
Sirius, that's a good thing, remember?
Sirius
Yeah, I know. I was just having fun with plans that we never had time to use on the Slytherins.
James
Some other time, Padfoot.
Lily
I'm just going to let myself in since neither one of you can physically get up and walk two feet over to open the door.
Sirius
I'll be leaving now.
James
So you wanted to talk to me? And this would be about…?
Lily
James, I have something to tell you. It may come as a shock.
James
Oh god.
Lily
Now, I've been talking to Remus for support and we think that-
James
Just come right out and say it; I can handle it!
Lily
Uh…ok…
James
Really, you don't have to dumb it down for me-I'm a full grown man!
Lily
Well, then if you really want to know, I'm-
James
AGH! I knew it! You and Remus are going off together to a tiny island and never coming back!
Lily
No, I'm just-
James
Going to go to another part of the country because you're both so partial to England, right?
Lily
Uh, No. I'm really-
James
Sorry that it had to be this way and you hope that I can forgive you in time, even though you know that once you and Remus leave forever, then I will most likely throw myself off a cliff and have to leave the house to Sirius.
Lily
NO! Don't do that!
James
Oh. Okay.
Lily
James, what I'm trying to tell you is that…that…
James
You're…?
Lily
I'm pregnant.
James
…
Lily
James?
James
…
Lily
Do you have some kind of reaction to this, or do I have to pretend like you do?
James
…
Lily
Sweetie?
James
…
Lily
Now would be a good time to say something. Anything.
James
You're…you're…pregnant?
Lily
Erm…that's what the doctor told me.
James
Really pregnant?
Lily
It's kind of hard to fake a pregnancy.
James
Wow…oh…wow.
Lily
Yeah? Is that good or bad?
James
Good. Really, really good….so you're not in love with Remus, then?
Lily
NO!
James
Oh, wow…this is great!
Lily
Yeah? You think that?
James
Can we name him Rufus!
Lily
…
James
Lil?
Lily
The name Rufus is not an option.
James
Oh…how about Tom?
Lily
We can debate names later, James. And who says it's going to be a boy?
James
I do. Dave?
Lily
James…
James
Larry?
Lily
Really, you can stop.
James
Jackson?
Lily
Now.
James
Stanley!
Lily
I swear, if I start out this pregnancy with me banging my head against the wall every time we start thinking of names, I'm going to hurt you.
James
Ooh…mood swing?
Lily
Don't name my symptoms!
James
Sorry.
Sirius
Well, it sounds like everything's back to normal.
Remus
Yep. Hey, where's Peter?
Sirius
Still behind the couch. I figure that's the safest place for him for the moment.
Remus
Excellent idea.
Sirius
I know.
And that concludes this chapter's events. Stay tuned for new mini random shorter chapters that should be popping up pretty soon here. I just know you'll love them!
Sirius: you say that about every fic that you write.
James: yeah, and look how sorry your reviews are for some of them.
Shut up. That's not my fault.
Remus: and who's fault would that be, then?
Uh…Satan's?
Lily: That's your excuse for everything.
Sirius, Remus, and James: Too True.
1/7/06, Emmablk1