A/N: The long-awaited ninth installment! Mostly dialogue, hope you enjoy!!!
CHAPTER NINE
"Prongs, you're pathetic, mate. I mean really really pathetic. Pass the jam?"
"He's been like this for a week straight-"
"More like seven years straight. Pass the bacon?"
"You know, I can't help but feel we've had this conversation befo- PADFOOT, drop that toast, it's mine," Remus snapped from behind the latest issue of the Daily Prophet, completely obstructing his view of the opposite side of the table.
"How did you know I was taking anything?" Sirius asked incredulously, shaking his tousled locks and bugging his eyes out at odd angles.
"My unfortunate condition does have its advantages-"
"But not the ability to see through a bloody newspaper!"
"I have very acute senses, I'll have you know, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out if he's dining with you he needs to guard his plate with a vengeance."
Sirius rolled his eyes at this, not caring whether Remus saw him or not, and dropped his head to his shoulder, turning his gaze to a depressed-looking James.
"You gonna eat that, mate? Thanks-"
"Don't take advantage of him!" Remus scolded, flopping the corner of his newspaper in to his lap, "Prongs, snap out of it. Eat something-"
"I'm trying!"
"Not you," he countered as he flung a teaspoon of marmalade across the table, splattering his target, "Come on now, Prongs, at least humor us-"
"What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!? You don't go 'round launching jelly all over the place! You're losing it, Moony, you've gone completely off your rocker! You need therapy of some sort. I mean, you just gave me an oozing strawberry eye-patch for Merlin's sake! Tell him, Prongs-"
"He's not going to tell anybody anything because for the past six days he's been trudging around the castle like a zombie!" Remus spat, crumpling the Prophet in the process.
"He's fine- just a bit…lackluster," Sirius mused, raising his eyes to the ceiling in thought, "Quidditch takes a lot out of a bloke-"
"Oh, nonsense! That's not the problem and you know it. You just like avoiding the issues-"
"Well, I'm tired of being a blooming therapist all the time! We're not a bunch of girls. 'Let's all talk about our feelings, let's help Prongs fall in love, stop hitting Peter with things'- next thing you know you'll have us all painting our nails wearing frilly lingerie."
Remus let out a sigh of exhaustion, slumping his shoulders in defeat with eyes glued to the swarm of owls overhead. Lips pursed in annoyance, he glanced over at James- staring in to his porridge with his nose hovering centimeters from the bowl, "So, you're saying he's fine?"
"Sure! Never better, right ol' chap?" and Sirius slapped a cheerful hand to James' back, sending his companion's face flying into his breakfast with a 'plop.' "Er…"
"Get him out of there, he'll suffocate!"
The pair merely watched in horror as a few gloppy bubbles made their way to the surface, tufts of jet-black hair sticking out the edges of the bowl.
Sirius gently tugged at the scruff of James' neck, lifting his head ever so slightly as Remus quickly shoved the porridge down the Gryffindor breakfast table, allowing Sirius to lay a sticky wet face back on to its wooden surface, "There we go-"
"Yeah, Padfoot, he's fine."
"Well, what are we supposed to do about it! Whatever happened to 'ignore your problems and they'll go away?' Take Wormtail, for example-" Sirius suggested, craning his neck over Remus to view the noisy Hufflepuff table, where Peter was currently feeding Gwendolyn a mouthful of toast.
"You were the only one that ignored him, other than when you were beating him with things-"
"EXACTLY! I kept hitting him and kept hitting him, and he always came back. But when I began totally disregarding his existence, he went away- just like that! Bloody brilliant!"
"I don't think that's how that works…"
"Makes sense to me."
"So you're suggesting you want James to go away?" Remus inquired with a raise of his brow.
"No, Moony, but his problems can sure hit the pavement. He seems to have a lot of those-"
"He only has one, and we KNOW what it is! Me, on the other hand…" Remus trailed off, shifting his eyes towards Sirius.
"Do you have a problem with me, Moony? Is that what you're getting at? Cos we can take this outside-"
"Oh, Padfoot, come off it. Let's just get Prongs back in his regular state of mind, shall we? You only have to don women's underwear if you so desire-"
"Cute."
"Yes, I think you would look rather dashing in a pair of high-rise bikinis. It's the latest craze in-"
"OH, SHUT UP," Sirius barked, crossing his arms in a huff and refusing to look at his counterpart, who was currently trying to conceal a lurid grin.
He did not succeed.
"Well, you're the one that's always 'in tune' with his feelings, what do you suggest?" Sirius mocked, vigorously stabbing his fork in his eggs.
"Have you seen Lily?"
"No sense changing the subject now I'm on board-"
"No!" Remus hissed, burying his head in his hands, "I mean have you noticed she hasn't spoken to James since the match? I've barely even seen her since then."
"Can't say that I hav- look, just look at him over there! Acting like she's his slave, feeding him grapes while his head's in her lap. Makes me sick, that does."
"Would you pay attention! Why do you even care what Wormtail is doing, I thought you were glad he's been too occupied to hang around with us?"
"Well, it's not fair he gets attention like that and we don't! What's his secret? How is the little rat doing it?" Sirius bellowed, knocking over his pumpkin juice with the slam of his fist.
"What are you talking about? You get attention like that all the time-" Remus said in a state of confusion, furrowing his ashen brows. Just then, a gaggle of witches proceeded to walk past the table, giggling like mad and batting their eyelashes- one so bold as to run a dainty hand through Sirius' messy hair.
Remus rolled his eyes and threw him a pointed stare, raising his eyebrows as if to say 'I told you so.'
"Er, well, it's- uh- not important…" Sirius mumbled, his face suddenly red, "You were saying?" he added quickly, darting his charcoal eyes.
"That's what I thought. 'Not fair…'" Remus drawled, shaking his head in disdain. "Back to Prongs-" whose head was still glued to the long mahogany table, "We need to find out what Lily's deal is. I mean she kissed him on Saturday, something must've changed since then-"
"Maybe she realized what a bumbling git he is-"
"No, someone or something has made her upset. And I doubt this time it was actually James. Any suggestions?"
"Well here comes her posse now," Sirius said as he jerked his head forward, causing Remus to spin around in his chair. Alice and Dorcas were chatting animatedly as they made their way through the Great Hall, sidling between the crowded Ravenclaw and Slytherin tables.
"Oi! Over here!" Sirius shouted, waving his arms wildly over his dark head of hair.
The pair snapped their heads to the left in unison, Dorcas beaming as she trotted up to the three Marauders in excitement, Alice lumbering in her wake.
"Care to have a sit, love?" Sirius inquired, waggling his eyebrows at the frosty-haired witch.
"I'd be simply delighted," she gushed, picking up her robes and gracefully landing next to Remus, who was now back to reading his newspaper.
"What do you want, Black," Alice said flatly, plopping next to Dorcas without an ounce of poise.
"What makes you think I want something? Can't a lad have breakfast with two lovely dames such as yourselves?"
"Laying it on a bit thick, aren't you, Padfoot?" Remus droned from behind the Prophet, eight fingers the only visible part of him.
Now, Dorcas was not an unattractive girl by any means, but she wasn't exactly attractive. Her spectacles were rather large and outdated, with lenses more than an inch thick. The only make-up she wore was lip-gloss, a cranberry shade that clashed with her skin tone, and her hair was a bit on the flat side. Long, blond hair was usually a wizard's dream, but on Dorcas it just didn't meet par. Her frame was thin and wiry, concealed beneath excessively large robes, but her chocolate brown eyes sparkled like rhinestones and her smile was just as bright.
"Now I know you want something," Alice said blankly, helping herself to a bowl of porridge.
"You might not want to eat that, tends to end up all over your face."
"EXCUSE me?" Alice replied with blue eyes bulging, staring daggers at Sirius.
"Don't mind him," Remus said with an ardent stare, wishing he had another sock, "but we do have a few questions for you."
"If you're asking about Lily, we don't know either. Been shut up in our room for days," Alice finished without looking up from buttering her toast.
"She hasn't said a word since Sunday, ever since she came back from Slughorn's," Dorcas said dreamily, her tiny chin resting in her hand.
"Really? Interesting…" Remus pondered aloud, flicking his paper out rapidly to straighten its crinkled pages.
"You know, I ran into her Sunday, or rather, the other way around. Pass the mash, love?" Sirius asked Dorcas with a wink, to which she quickly obliged.
"When did you run in to her?" Alice asked with a scrunch of her nose, turning her attention to Sirius, "And what happened to him?"
"It's the porridge, I'm telling you. Dangerous stuff that is-"
"Lily is what's the matter with him," Remus interjected, nodding his head toward James, "Hence, the inquiry," he added, reaching around his paper to grab his tea.
"So, what were you up to Sunday evening then, Black?" Alice asked casually with a raise of her brows, pausing before taking a sip of her pumpkin juice.
"Well, let's just say I had a meeting in my office-"
"Let me guess- third cupboard, charms corridor?" Remus finished, smirking over the large printed pages.
"That's the one," Sirius replied with a grin, lacing his fingers behind his head.
"What kind of meetings?" Dorcas shot, snapping out of her dream-like state as she bolted upright in her chair, blond hair bouncing atop her shoulders.
"Rather hands on, they are. Quite tiring, too, might I add-"
"Well, if you didn't have so many clients…" Remus cut in, rolling his eyes behind his emaciated barrier.
"Oh!" squeaked the flaxen-haired witch as she jumped up from the table, exiting the Great Hall at a sprint as the remaining members looked after, sporting looks of pure bewilderment.
A/N: Alright, now I know this is an odd place to end it, but the whole thing is WAY longer than all the other chapters. So I split it into two parts! Sorry for the wait, I won't be able to post the rest until tomorrow : ( I know that's so mean to you, but I think it's mildly amusing : ) The conversation picks up where this one leaves off, I'm positive there are atleast TWO more chapters if not three. I've already written the epilogue (squee!) so I don't know if that's included. So the home stretch is in sight!! Please review!!!