a/n I suspect it may be tin hat time as it is entirely possible that some shrapnel will come flying my way once some of you have read this chapter. If it is any consolation, it gave me a LOT of trouble and has been by far the hardest one to write.
But whatever you think about it, I would appreciate your views - good or bad!
Cheers
BF
***********
The Lie
Harry stood silently in the corner of the Gents loo in the Hog's Head and emphatically decided that this was definitely one time that his activities had better not end up splashed across the front page of the Daily Prophet. Whilst it was true that since becoming an Auror he'd drawn a few unpleasant assignments he was absolutely certain that none even came close to this particular stakeout for sheer discomfort.
How the hell did my life ever come down to this? he thought in grim amusement.
He'd managed to slip into the pub under his cloak without being discovered and had patiently waited in the same corner as before, praying that Willie would appear at his usual time once again. He'd been a little worried that his target wouldn't show up today and it was with a feeling of relief that he finally spotted the little crook when he finally did decide to arrive. Having satisfied himself that Willie was going to be staying for a while, he'd gingerly made his way to the loo without being discovered and begun his long vigil.
It had not been pleasant. He'd felt like some kind of sick voyeur as he'd stood in the corner and held his breath each time one of the bar's patrons had entered in order to ease their discomfort. He'd actually closed his eyes after a while, unable to face the spectacle in front of him. It wasn't that he was particularly squeamish about this sort of thing; rather, what had discomfited him the most was what some of these men did after answering the call of nature. He'd had to stifle his laughter as he observed a variety of characters preening themselves in front of the mirror. One had quite solemnly and thoroughly picked his nose and another had even squeezed a few spots.
He closed his eyes as he considered this, silently vowing to tell no one of what he'd had to endure today. In a lighter moment he briefly considered Obliviating Hermione so she would not be in a position to relate what he'd had to do in the name of duty.
They never said anything about this in the Auror manual.
In order to pass the time, he allowed his thoughts to wander on what had transpired earlier in the day. Lunch had been hugely enjoyable, particularly once they had finally cleared the air about his departure. After that they had spoken only of inconsequential matters almost as if they were ordinary people with ordinary lives. By unspoken agreement, they had not discussed the case, or Ron, or anything at all about the Magical world for that matter. He couldn't remember enjoying a lunch date more and he was delighted that his relationship with Hermione seemed to be back to being as strong as it ever was.
They'd finally - with some reluctance - decided that they had to return to their respective duties; she to Gringotts and he back to the Ministry and it had been with a faint feeling of despondency that they had parted company. He didn't feel quite right when he wasn't with her these days; if it were left up to him they would be spending every moment together.
He'd returned to the Ministry and had finally managed to track down Cornelius Fudge. He pursed his lips. The interview had not been particularly comfortable and he was still trying to digest what had been discussed. He wished Hermione was with him now so he could pick her brain for some ideas.
Fudge had seemed delighted to see him and he'd been struck once again at how the ex-Minister acted as if they'd never had their differences in the past. After sharing a few banal pleasantries, he'd finally asked the older man what had transpired at the Chang party the night Cho was murdered.
'Am I a suspect, Harry?' Fudge had asked jokingly.
Despite his feelings for the man, he'd forced a smile. 'Of course not, Mr Fudge. I was just wondering if you noticed anything untoward that night. I would also be grateful if you could tell me if anything of importance was discussed.'
'Importance? Well, yes; there was. Mr Chang had finally confirmed that he would be supporting us in passing the new legislation through the Wizengamot. We - that is Cuthbert and I - were naturally delighted to hear this. We have been trying to get him onside for some time as we think he will carry a significant number of votes with him. We were actually enjoying something of a celebration.'
'Chang agreed to support you? Hermione never told me that.'
'Oh, she doesn't know yet, Harry. The unfortunate events of that night overtook us and we never got round to it. Perhaps you will do me the honour of telling her?'
'I'd be glad to; she'll be delighted.' He'd paused before continuing. 'So nothing suspicious happened then?'
'Not at all. It was a perfectly civilised affair. There was a brief article about it in the Prophet the next day but I fear that it was overshadowed by the murder of poor Cho. No one wants to read about some bun fight when a case of this magnitude breaks.'
He'd nodded his understanding, making a mental note to get a copy of that day's Prophet. 'So did you see Cho leave?'
'I did; we were talking to her father in his study when she entered to inform him that she had an appointment. She never said who with though.'
'You were in the study? Why?'
Fudge had sighed deeply at the question and to Harry it had been the first sign of the old Fudge; the impatient and intransigent Minister he'd encountered in the past. 'We were discussing Magical issues, Harry and it was a mixed party. We didn't want any Muggles to overhear.'
Which made sense, Harry allowed as his thoughts returned to the present moment. Fudge had told him nothing else of use and he'd left the interview with a vague feeling that he was definitely missing something. The answer was there - he could almost touch it - but for the moment it still eluded him.
He glanced up as the bathroom door swung open and he felt his heart give a lurch as he recognised the rather large form of one of Willie's "guards." He watched as the man cast a quick glance around the room before indicating to someone behind him with his thumb that the coast was clear. Harry held as breath and closed his eyes with relief as the shambling form of Willie Widdershins finally entered; the door closing quietly behind him. He had to move fast; it would not be long before the goon returned. He cast a quick silencing charm and waited only a brief moment for Willie to start what he had come here to do.
'Are you not a bit old to be asking permission to go to the loo, Willie?' he asked loudly as he whipped off his cloak and was delighted to see in the mirror that Willie nearly jumped out of his skin at his sudden appearance. Well, at least he's in the right place; he just about pissed himself with fright.
'H-H-H-Harry? Harry Potter?'
'In the flesh. Don't turn round!' he added quickly as the smaller man moved to face him. 'Just carry on with your…business. This won't take a minute. I've wanted to have a word with you for a while but you're an awfully hard man to get a hold of these days, aren't you?'
'M-Me? You've wanted to speak to me?' Harry noticed in the mirror that Willie's eyes flitted towards the door and he remembered that he didn't have much time. He moved towards the smaller man and loomed over behind him, staring straight at his reflection.
'Where are the Deatheaters, Willie? I know you know where they are holing up.'
Willie's eyes widened at the question. 'I don't know what you are talking about, Harry. I don't meddle with those sorts.'
Harry sighed. 'William,' he began in a dangerously soft voice, 'we can do this one of two ways. Either you tell me - this instant - where they are hiding or I take you with me right now to see Kingsley Shacklebolt and you can answer his questions. I can assure you he will not be as amiable as me and you will quite literally be left holding your dick in your hand. He asked me to inform you that if you tell us where they are then you get a free pass. If you don't and they escape again then you will be taking their place in Azkaban. Am I making myself clear, William?'
He was gratified to see the shabby little man nod dumbly and he masked the sudden feeling of jubilation that burst from within him. 'I'm waiting, William,' he prodded.
'They are staying at an old converted warehouse in the Docklands - I don't know the exact address,' said Willie, hastily.
'But you know where it is? You've been acting as messenger boy for them, haven't you?' He could tell from Willie's expression that the man was dumbfounded as to how he knew all of this. He glanced at the door, expecting an interruption at any moment. 'Where is it, Willie?' he snapped.
'It's not far from where Ron Weasley was killed; it's only about 300 yards away. To the north,' he added.
Harry was stunned by the news; stunned because it occurred to him that the bastards were probably watching the day he and Ron walked right into their trap. He closed his eyes.
'If you are lying to me, Willie…'
'I'm not! I swear to God, it's the truth!'
He nodded. 'Good. Now; I don't have to tell you not to tell anyone of our little chat, do I?' Willie merely nodded. 'Excellent,' continued Harry. 'Now you just be a good boy and finish up and put that away,' he added with a slight inclination of his head downwards. 'And don't forget to wash your hands either,' he added sweetly as he threw his cloak back over himself. 'I'll be in touch soon,' he whispered into Willie's ear as he passed. 'Don't do anything stupid and don't even think about warning them.'
He watched as the little crook quickly washed and dried his hands and it was evident from the tremors that Willie Widdershins had really had the wind put up him. After he had left, Harry stood for a moment and felt a cold rage pass through him as he considered the fact that the Deatheaters had been nearby when Ron had met his terrible end. He shook his head, trying to free himself of the image of Ron disappearing into the flames.
I'm coming for you all, you bastards.
***********
Hermione resisted the urge to glance at her watch as she sat patiently on her sofa stroking her faithful pet as she awaited the return of Harry. She'd had another frustrating day poring over the bank ledgers and she now had a bit of a headache as a result of her attempts to decipher the numerous rows and columns of dull, dry figures. She had found nothing of significance and was beginning to wonder if the answer did indeed lie within the dusty offices of Gringotts.
Having had enough, she'd decided to return home in order to return the favour to Harry by cooking for them both tonight. She thought it would provide a suitable setting if she was going to finally get what was between them out in the open. Unfortunately, she had not been able to contact him with the charmed mirrors and she suspected that he had deactivated his so that it did not go off at a bad moment. He was on a concealed stakeout and it would not do to have his presence uncovered by the sudden interruption of her voice.
In almost any other circumstances, the thought of Harry hiding in a Gents loo would be comical but she was actually quite worried about him. She knew that his work as an Auror had put him into some delicate situations in the past but she was also aware that in previous instances, Harry would have had someone to back him up. Today, he was working alone and she now wished that she had insisted on accompanying him on the mission.
Too late for regrets now.
She looked up as Crookshanks suddenly rose from his slumber and leapt off her lap before heading towards the door. As if on cue, it swung open and Harry entered and she could tell immediately from his expression that he had discovered something important. She stood and waited for him to hang up his cloak before questioning him.
'Well?' she asked. 'How did it go?'
Harry smiled and she could see the excitement in his eyes. 'We know where they are,' he said breathlessly. 'Dung was right; Willie has been supplying them. He told me where they are holed up. We're going to raid them first thing in the morning.'
'We?'
She noticed that he looked a bit sheepish. 'Yeah, well…I went to see Kingsley after I found out where they are. He's going to lead a full Auror raid on them. I'll be going too.'
She noticed that he wouldn't look her in the eye. 'And me?' she asked. 'I'll be going as well?'
'I'm afraid not,' he replied.
'What? Why not? Don't you trust me? I can handle mys…'
'I know you can handle yourself, Hermione. Everyone knows that. No one doubts your abilities, least of all me. How can you think I wouldn't trust you with this after everything we went through together?'
'So why can't I come?'
'It was Kingsley's decision. You're not a trained Auror. We have all been taught how to deal with a situation like this. There are…procedures and it is a law enforcement matter. Despite everything you have done, you are still a civilian. Please don't take this as a slight on your abilities.'
Despite her initial feeling of resentment, she conceded the logic. After a moment, she decided to let the matter drop. 'Where are they?' she asked instead.
She noticed that he looked pained by the question. 'They're shacked up in an old warehouse not far from…not far from where Ron died,' he replied in a small voice. He looked away. 'It's likely that they were watching the two of us when we walked into their trap.'
'Oh, Harry,' she said, tenderness in her voice. 'You weren't to know. There's no way you could have known. You were acting on the information available.'
'I know. But I can't help but think that if I had done it differently; if I had taken more care…'
'Don't do this to yourself, Harry. You're not omnipotent; you couldn't possible have known where they were. No one could.' She moved towards him, her brief anger now gone and gently stroked his arm, waiting for him to turn and face her. When he finally did lock eyes with her, she continued. 'It wasn't your fault, Harry. You didn't kill Ron; they did. I know that you blame yourself but I beg you; just this one time, don't shoulder the burden.'
'He was my friend,' replied Harry. 'I was supposed to watch out for him. We always watched out for each other,' he added and her heart almost broke at the pain in his voice. It occurred to her that he probably hadn't grieved properly for Ron; that he'd spent his exile shutting himself off, closing down his feelings in order to keep the pain at bay. She didn't know what to say to him at that point and so instead did the only thing that seemed appropriate. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a tight embrace. At first she felt a slight resistance but she sensed him letting himself go as he allowed himself to be cocooned in her arms. He didn't weep; didn't suddenly fall apart; instead he just let himself be enfolded in her grip, his head resting on her shoulder.
To Hermione, all sense of time vanished as the two of them clung to one another as if their lives depended on it. She was aware of nothing but Harry; nothing but the feel of him pressed tightly against her; his breath soft on her neck. She inhaled deeply and felt almost dizzy as the scent of him threatened to overwhelm her senses. She had intended to offer him comfort, to provide shelter of a sorts but she found herself becoming lost in his very being, almost as the two of them were merging as one.
After what seemed like an age, they finally - almost reluctantly - broke apart and stood facing one another. She could tell that he was affected by the sudden physical contact and they stood gazing at one another, neither willing to break the spell. After a few moments, she could see that he was about to speak; was about to shatter the moment and on a sudden impulse, she decided to cast in her lot and thwart him. Without giving him time to react, she leaned up towards him and planted her lips on his.
The collision was like nothing she'd ever experienced or expected. At first, she felt him stiffen in surprise at her sudden advance but it was a fleeting moment. Almost instantly she sensed him respond, his soft lips beginning their own dance on hers as he wrapped his strong arms around her, almost crushing her in his embrace. She'd never felt so alive in her whole life as she did in that instant; she felt a surge through her entire form; her skin tingled all over her body and when his tongue began it's first gentle probe into her mouth she felt her own need rise within her. She responded to his overture; parting her lips wider to allow him easier access and she became vaguely aware that she was thrusting into him, gyrating her hips against him. His hands slid gently up the back of her blouse and the gentle stroking of her skin made her head swim. She completely surrendered herself to his touch and felt the first stirrings of his own desire as he pressed tightly against her. She reached down slowly and gently guided her hand towards the firm evidence of his arousal and…
And was taken aback as he suddenly broke the embrace and pulled himself away from her.
'I can't do this,' he gasped as he backed away from her, his arousal evident in both the colour of his face and in the hardness below that was clearly visible.
Hermione's world collapsed in that moment. She was too stunned to speak as a feeling of pain - almost as if she had been stabbed - surged through her chest. She couldn't get her head around what was happening. She'd been certain that there was something between them; certain that her overture would have been welcomed. And it had been welcomed. And now this?
'You don't like me in that way?' she finally managed to ask. 'I thought…I thought…I thought that we had some…'
She stopped. Stopped because Harry had gently placed his fingers on her lips. It broke his heart to see the distress his sudden rejection had caused this dearest of women, but he knew that he had to come clean; that he had to finally admit the truth he had been denying for too many long years.
'Shhh,' he began quietly. 'Don't cry; this isn't what you think.' He forced a smile. 'Do you trust me?' he asked gently.
Despite the incongruity of the question, she nodded. 'Of course I trust you, Harry. I trust you with my life.'
'Thank you,' he whispered. 'I want you to come with me. I need to take you somewhere; there is something I have to tell you.'
Feeling more confused than at any point in her life, she nodded her assent. She watched as Harry headed to the door before retrieving their coats. He put his on and held out hers and as she slid her arms into the sleeves she felt the suffocating pressure in her chest ease somewhat. She had no idea what he was up to but she knew that answers lay wherever they were going. Answers for her heart and perhaps answers that would help to explain what had happened to them both. She turned to face him and looked down as he took both of her hands in his, his touch still electrifying her. She stood as if in a dream, as if she was only imagining the embrace they had just shared.
'Whatever happens,' he began, 'I just want you to know that nothing will change how I feel about you.'
What did that mean? she wondered. She made to reply but before she could speak she felt the familiar pull of Apparition as Harry pulled them both out of the comfort of her flat to an unknown destination.
***********
When they arrived it took Hermione a few moments to orientate herself. She was still reeling from what had occurred just a few short moments ago and this sudden lurch to a new destination had deeply unsettled her.
'Where are we?' she asked as she glanced around their new surroundings. They were standing in a forest clearing that had a small lake in the middle and after a few moments, the realisation suddenly dawned on her. She glanced sharply up at Harry. 'Why are we here?' she asked and there was a hint of irritation in her tone.
He licked his lips and she could tell that he was nervous. 'You told me in the Weasley orchard that Ron never told you what he saw the night he destroyed the Horcrux, remember?'
She nodded, unsure where this was going.
'Well; it's about time you learned the truth about that night,' he said and he took her hand and led her towards the lake. When they reached it he released his grip and stood at the water's edge, facing away from her.
'You remember that night, of course? You were asleep when I heard something outside. When I went to investigate I saw the doe Patronus.' From the side, she could see him smile sadly. 'Snape's Patronus. It appeared over there,' he continued, pointing to a spot in the trees, 'and it led me to this lake. I couldn't believe it when I saw the sword lying in the water.'
'I know all of this, Harry,' she interrupted, a hint of impatience in her tone. She couldn't believe they were here discussing this when a few short minutes ago they had been in each others arms; had been…
'You don't know all of it,' he replied, interrupting her thoughts. 'Anyway,' he continued, 'I entered the water to retrieve the sword and that's when the locket tried to kill me. It dragged me under - I thought I'd had it. I came within a whisker of drowning and that's when Ron pulled me out.' He turned to face her, his eyes boring into her. 'He saved my life, Hermione. It's important that you bear this in mind. Ron had just saved my life.'
She took a moment to consider the intensity of his words, wondering about the significance of them. 'Then what happened?' she finally asked, now interested rather than vexed.
He turned away from her again and contemplated the still water. 'Then we took the sword and destroyed the Horcrux. I suddenly realised how to open it - don't ask me how - it just came to me. I thought it would be a good idea to let Ron destroy it. I was so glad to see him and I was still reeling from having nearly drowned so I suggested he do it. Besides; he did recover the sword. I opened the locket for him.'
'What happened?' she asked and despite what had just occurred in her flat, she was now completely riveted by the tale.
'Riddle appeared. He began to torment Ron by mocking his deepest fears.'
'Just like with me?'
'Kind of. Ron's fears were a bit more…complicated.' Harry sighed before beginning the recital of the words that haunted him still. "I have seen your dreams, Ronald Weasley and I have seen your fears. All you desire is possible, but all that you dread is also possible. Least loved, always, by the mother who craved a daughter." He finally turned to face her before continuing in a quieter voice. "Least loved, now, by the girl who prefers your friend. Second best, always, eternally overshadowed."
And she understood. She understood the torment Riddle had subjected Ron to. She looked directly at Harry, knowing there was more to come; knowing too that the Horcrux had been correct. The girl who prefers your friend.
Oh, Ron.
Harry turned away once again and spoke into the night. 'It got worse. Images of the two of us appeared from the locket and tormented him. We…that is the images, kissed in front of him and mocked him for believing that you might love him. At that point I thought Ron would break; that he wouldn't be able to do it. But then he managed to summon the will from somewhere and he rammed the sword home.'
Hermione stood in silence, weeping quietly, horrified at what Ron had endured. She didn't have too much time to dwell on this, however, as Harry continued the tale.
'After he had destroyed it, he was broken. He asked me straight - right there and then - he asked me straight if I had feelings for you. If there was anything going on between us.'
She held her breath, almost terrified at what he might say next.
'I told him that I only loved you like a sister,' continued Harry before turning to face her, looking her directly in the eye. For an interminable moment they held each others gaze, their world on a precipice.
'I lied.'
The words rang out in her head like a gunshot. It took a moment for the implications of what he was telling her to sink in. When they did, she felt a sudden rush of guilt for knowing that Ron's fears were not groundless, followed swiftly - perhaps in reaction to the guilt - by anger.
'You lied,' she repeated, flatly, that simple fact blocking out all else.
He nodded. 'Yes.' He took a moment before deciding what to say next. 'This is why I stopped us in your flat a few minutes ago even though I didn't want to.' He licked his lips. 'I love you, Hermione. I love you with everything I am. But I couldn't start anything with you until I told the truth. I have always loved you, Hermione. For years and years I have loved you. Despite Ginny; despite Ron; despite everything; I have always loved you.'
She couldn't believe she was hearing this. So everything has been a lie? How has he kept this from me for so long? We're not supposed to have any secrets between us! She thought suddenly of her own unrequited feelings for Harry all those years ago and the realisation that the Horcrux had been correct in its terrible summation of Ron drove her guilt and her anger even further.
'So you just decided, did you? You just took it upon yourself to decide who everyone should be with? You didn't think that maybe I would have liked a say in the matter?'
'It wasn't like that! I…'
'It was exactly like that, Harry! You treated me like some prize; treated me like a reward for good behaviour. You speak as if Ron had somehow "earned" me by destroying the Horcrux! You never thought to ask what I wanted; what I needed!' Tears were running down her cheeks as she spoke but she disregarded them. How could he do this to me?
'I thought you loved Ron,' Harry replied, a touch of anger in his voice too. 'You mooned over him all during sixth year and I knew for a fact that he was in love with you. I thought you had already decided; that you had decided on Ron - that you loved him. Who was I to stand in the way of that? We were friends; I wasn't going to jeopardise your happiness.'
'But you were willing to jeopardise your own, weren't you? And you did jeopardise mine and Ron's too, for that matter. You never gave me the choice. You made the decision for all of us.'
'I thought you had both already decided. I didn't think either of you had a decision to make.'
'But you did, Harry. It turns out you had a decision to make and you never said a word. You made it all by yourself even though it affected all of us.' The shock and the hurt drove her on. 'That's just typical of you, Harry. Always bearing the burden when Ron and I were there to help,' she added caustically.
'You couldn't have helped me with this,' he replied and his voice was barely a whisper.
'You never gave us the chance!' she exclaimed. 'For God's sake, Harry,' she added, almost beseechingly. 'Hadn't you sacrificed enough?'
'You never gave me any sign that you could have helped. That you had a choice to make too,' he replied and there was a touch of reproof in his tone. 'And no; I hadn't sacrificed enough. You weren't there; you have no idea what I had to deal with. Ron was facing his deepest fear - he was close to breaking. I wasn't going to be the one who twisted the knife, especially after he had just saved my life. I couldn't destroy his dreams.'
'But you could destroy your own?' And mine, she didn't add.
He shrugged. 'I never had any dreams. I thought I was going to die. I thought that I never had a chance against Voldemort so why risk shattering what the three of us had for the sake of something that I didn't expect to live to see?'
The question struck her like a blow. Already reeling from the revelations of this night - as well as from what had transpired in her flat - she found herself unable to digest all of the implications. Without realising what she was doing, she began to back away from him.
'I can't take all of this in, Harry. It's too much; I need…time to consider this. I'm sorry; I don't know what you were expecting me to do but I don't know how to deal with this yet.'
'I wasn't expecting anything from you. I just thought that you finally deserved the truth. I love you, Hermione and I was beginning to hope that you might find yourself able to return that love in some way. But I had to tell you this. I couldn't begin professing my love for you with a lie. I hope you can understand that.'
'I can, Harry. Believe me; I do understand why you had to tell me. It's everything else I am struggling with at the moment. I need some time alone to process this. I'm sorry; I have to…go and think about this. I will see you in the morning,' she added as she turned to leave. She saw a stricken look flash on his features and a sudden thought occurred to her. 'Promise me something,' she said quickly.
'Anything,' he replied, his voice seeming to come from a distance.
'Promise me you won't leave again. Promise me you won't return to your old life.'
'You are my life, Hermione. I'm not going anywhere. Not when I still have hope.'
She felt more tears threaten to burst forth at this simple declaration but at that moment she felt she was suffocating, such was the turmoil she was in. She turned from him and walked a few yards before deciding where she had to go. There was only one possible location for her now; only one person who could help her deal with what had happened. She closed her eyes and Apparated to a familiar, welcoming detached house. After taking a few seconds to compose herself, she rapped on the door. After a moment it swung open and a pleasant looking middle aged lady greeted her with a smile.
'Oh, mum,' cried Hermione as she threw herself into the welcoming embrace.
A few hundred miles away, Harry sat by the side of the lake and wondered if he had just made the greatest mistake of his life.