Prologue
GW: Hello, one and all. I'm Ginny Weasley and this is-
DM: - her boyfriend. The charming, witty, good looking, aristocratic, sex-
*smack*
DM: Ow! What was that for, you little chit?
GW: Anyway, as I was saying, this is Draco Malfoy. We're here to help you have a long and healthy relationship with some simple tips and guidelines to follow.
DM: You'll get to see her trials and tribulations.
GW: Dealing with the nitwit next to me.
DM: Hey! I take offense to that.
GW: Ask me if I've ever cared, darling.
*Draco huffs*
GW: Alright. He's going to be a big baby and not talk to me for a while. So while I'm single… any takers?
*Colin Creevey appears onstage*
*Draco sputters indignantly*
DM: I thought you were gay! You are in practically every story!
CC: I always said that I'd go straight for Gin, mate.
DM: I thought you were joking…
CC: Sorry. That's how it is.
*Draco gets on floor and starts rocking back and forth in fetal position*
GW: *whispers* You think he fell for it?
CC: *whispers* Oh, yeah…
GW: *back to normal voice* Well… that's all the time we have for today, so stick around!
*Draco jumps up*
DM: NO! No one's going anywhere until we resolve this issue. As in you go and Avada yourself, Colin. Gin's all mine. Bugger off.
*Colin shrugs and walks off stage*
*Draco nods in approval and appeasement*
*Ginny is beside herself with hysterical laughter, but Draco is ignoring it completely*
GW: Draco.
DM: Yes?
*Ginny pauses for a second and thinks better of it*
GW: I love you.
DM: Took you long enough, wench.
*smack*
DM: Stop hitting me, woman!
GW: Stop calling me bloody names and I will!
*Draco grumbles under his breath*
*Ginny glares*
GW: I heard that. I'm not coming back home tonight.
*Draco gasps*
DM: But-but-but-
GW: I'll be with Dean and Seamus and you can go sod yourself, you stupid wanker.
DM: NO! I love you, I need you… Don't leave me…
*Insert puppy dog eyes*
GW: That's not fair! You're not playing fair, Draco Malfoy!
DM: I'm a Slytherin, love. I'm not supposed to play fair.
*Ginny sighs as she wonders how she could have gotten the misfortune of having this particular man as her husband*
*Draco smiles happily because he knows that he's getting some tonight*
GW: Just… I don't know.
DM: Don't do anything I wouldn't do!
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