Chapter 9:
Foreseen Loss
A week later, in the first month of September, Matthew went to the hospital yet again for another chemo treatment. He had come to a point where he no longer complained about his treatment: he knew now that he really had no choice in the matter. Dr. Regina hooked him up as usual and let the chemotherapy seep into his body as he sat calmly on the bed. His fear of needles was almost gone, because of the ever-present bruise the IV left on his arm.
That day, as Dr. Regina checked all of Matthew's vital signs and went through the typical procedures, Matthew sat very silently. She smiled down at him and placed her hand on his forehead.
"You okay, kiddo?" By now, his hair had been falling out more frequently, leaving little bald spots in various areas. Matthew looked at the doctor and frowned.
"Where is Jeremiah? He's not here, and he's always here with me."
Dr. Regina sighed and her face fell. "He may be here in a little while."
"Where is he?"
"I'll let him explain that to you."
"But-"
"If you need anything, don't be afraid to call me." She put the chart on his door and walked out, leaving Matthew and his parents alone in the room. Harry smiled at Matthew reassuringly and went to sit on the windowsill to read the newspaper. Hermione pulled a book out of her purse and flipped to the right page. Both knew that Matthew didn't want to talk beyond asking where Jeremiah was.
Without Jeremiah staying with him and goofing off, the day's chemo seemed extra long. After about 45 minutes that seemed like an eternity, Hermione went downstairs to stretch and move about. When she left, Harry's head nodded off onto the windowpane and his gentle snores reverberated throughout the room. Matthew sighed and tried to flop over, wincing with pain as the IV dug into his skin. He looked up at the ceiling and examined the crack that had the habit of looking like a rabbit. He looked at the picturesque park scene that was hung on the wall. The picture reminded him of Relay for Life and how he had seen Jeremiah crying over Isaac's luminera. But where was he today? He turned his attention to the monitor by his bed and watched it bleep and blip in time to the little whirring dots. The dots made him sleepy, and right as he began to nod off…
A knock came at the door. Matthew sat up quickly to see Jeremiah standing in the doorway. Matthew grinned but sobered up when he saw that Jeremiah's eyes were red and puffy.
"Hey, Matt."
"Jeremiah, what's wrong?" Matthew stood up on his bed, so small that his IV didn't even stretch. Jeremiah looked at him and smiled feebly. He took his usual seat and sat down thickly watching Matthew carefully. Matthew blinked, not knowing if he should speak. Finally, Jeremiah sighed and joined his hands together.
"Matt, do you believe in angels?" Matthew nodded, thinking that this was a very funny question. Jeremiah smiled, and continued.
"I do, too. Do you know what angels are?"
"They're God's people and messengers, sent to watch over people."
"Yeah, pretty much. But there's one other thing that I believe angels do."
"What?"
"They come down from heaven and take those whose earthly bodies are tired and worn out home to their heavenly father."
Matthew thought for a moment, imagining a sick, old person being carried up to heaven with a shining escort. Jeremiah cleared his throat and spoke.
"The angels came to the hospital this morning, and they took Jerrod away from us."
Matthew's heart beat faster. "W-What are you talking about?"
"I'm sorry, Matt, I didn't want to tell you. Jerrod died; he's gone."
Matthew's face fell and he riveted his eyes to the park picture on the wall and remembered the Relay for Life.
"At the Relay for Life, I saw Jerrod during the luminera ceremony. He-he looked like an angel, the way the light glowed on him. Maybe he already had one by his side. Do you think he did?"
Jeremiah smiled a genuine smile and nodded. "I think you may be on to something."
They sat for a few moments in silence before Matthew spoke up again. "You said he knew. What did he know?"
Jeremiah's eyes glazed over as they often did and when he spoke, the voice did not seem like his own.
"Jerrod always knew he was going to die."
"How?"
"I, well, I can't explain it, but every patient I've ever met just knows when they begin treatments. When Jerrod first walked into Thursday meetings, he told me that he just knew he wasn't going to make it. He swore to keep fighting, but he knew in his heart that he was fighting a losing battle."
"Do all patients know?"
"Yes, I think every patient knows if they'll survive or not. But sometimes they just have to be wrong!" He slammed his fist on the armrest of his chair. Matthew jumped, frightened by the sudden outburst. He sat up straight as possible and looked at Jeremiah.
"I think I know what you're talkin' about. I know I'm gonna make it. I never thought any other way!"
Jeremiah looked at him and shrugged. "I hope you're correct." And then his eyes glazed over again.
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Jerrod's funeral was that Friday afternoon. Harry and Hermione dressed Matthew in his nicest clothing and drove to the funeral home. Matthew was terrified of the funeral, scared of the unknown. He had never really gotten to know Jerrod, but he had promised him that he would never forget at the Relay for Life, and after his parents talked with Jeremiah, they decided it would be good for Matthew to go to say goodbye.
When they entered the chapel, Matthew was surprised at how few people were there. On the left side of the church sat some older people; obviously friends of Jerrod's parents. To the right were some kids older than Matthew, all with bowed and solemn heads. Near the front of the cathedral sat Jeremiah, dressed neatly in a tuxedo, his hair neat and combed. The Potters found a seat near the back and were soon joined by Missy Lyn and her grandmother and Keith and his parents. Matthew was glad to see that he wasn't the only scared one in the audience; Missy Lyn looked scared to death. All the cancer kids sat quietly and reverently in waiting as slow, mournful music played around their ears. Matthew tried unsuccessfully to look anywhere but the big box up front; his parents had told him gently that Jerrod's earthly body was in there.
The backdoors opened and Jerrod's family walked in. Everybody stood up in respect but Matthew and Missy Lyn looked at each other in bewilderment. Hermione leaned over and picked up Matthew and held him to her, allowing him to snuggle his head into her breast. When the family sat, the preacher stood up and began to speak. His voice was very monotonous and Matthew found himself feeling bored. He examined the church's interior intently until he heard the preacher say Jeremiah's name. Matthew perked up curiously and stood on the pew to see his friend better. Hermione tried to get him to sit down, but he was so small that it hardly made any difference.
Jeremiah stood at the podium and appeared, surprisingly, nervous. He pulled a piece of paper from his coat pocket and cleared his throat before speaking into the microphone.
"Good afternoon, everyone. It is a privilege to speak to you today, I just wish it was under better circumstances." A lady sobbed in the audience. "We are all here today to remember the wonderful but short life of Jerrod. Jerrod was a great guy, for an eight year old." The audience laughed at Jeremiah's smile. "He was with us only for a time, but he has impacted the lives of all he met. He got diagnosed with brain cancer about a year ago, but that didn't stop him from living his life. He liked to ride bikes. Watch movies. Eat cake. But the one thing he loved more than anything else was when he got the chance to go lie in the grass and watch the stars move above him. He would lie there for hours, just watching the sky, studying everything until he knew the heavens like the back of his hand. He even took me on the hospital roof one time and showed me the glory that he wanted to be a part of.
"The night that Jerrod passed on, I went up to the roof and looked at the stars, and to my surprise, there was a new star shining right above my head. And as I watched it, it began to twinkle slightly, and I knew. In my mind, I knew that that star had to be Jerrod. He was sitting in heaven, watching me from the glory he is finally a part of.
"I know that from this side, we don't really know why Jerrod was taken so young in his life, why he never got to live a full life. But I know one thing for sure: Jerrod's still with us, in every life that he impacted. And if he were here, he'd tell us to stop crying for him, because he's up there, dancing with the angels." Jeremiah looked briefly at Matthew, gave a little nod, and sat back down. Matthew was in awe of Jeremiah's speech, and stayed glued to the pew until the service was over.
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That night, after Harry and Hermione had settled in their bed for the night, Harry lay wide-awake, staring at the ceiling. The funeral was still playing fresh in his mind, and it was a heart wrenching realization to see a little kid die. He rolled over in bed, trying to get sleep. After a while, he gave up and leaned into Hermione's warm, sleeping body. He thought about Matthew, and how much he loved the little guy. He remembered how he had been in the delivery room when Matthew was born, how the second he caught sight of his son, he was hopelessly in love. He loved Hermione with all his heart, but the love he felt for Matthew was deeper and stronger than any of the incredible love he had for Hermione. The little guy was a piece of him, a piece of Hermione, a breath of heaven. He just couldn't imagine what he would do if anything happened to him.
As he thought about his son, he heard the bedroom door creak open. He sat up and fumbled for his glasses.
"Daddy?"
"Matthew? What are you doing awake?"
"Will you take me outside to look at the stars?" His quiet voice reached Harry's ears clear and perfect. He ruffled his hair and stepped out of his bed, careful not to wake his lovely wife.
"Sure. Let's go." He picked Matthew up and cradled him and led him outside. He levitated them up onto the roof and laid him down gently. Harry lay down beside him, thankful for the countryside they lived in and the brilliantly starry sky. Father and son watched the stars intently, marveling in the beautiful wonder of God's creation.
"Daddy?" Matthew spoke up. "I know I'm gonna make it."
Harry's heart swelled at Matthew's words; this was what he wanted to hear. But just as quickly, his heart deflated.
"Oh, Matthew, you can't possibly know."
"Yeah I can."
"How, then?"
"I dunno. I just know."
More silence ensued.
"Daddy?"
"What is it this time, little man?"
"I love you."
Harry's eyes watered and he pulled Matthew close to him. "I love you, too, son. So, so much." Matthew curled up by Harry's side and they continued to watch the stars, late into the night.
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