Disclaimer: I own nothing affliated with Harry Potter or Evanescence. I'm simply borrowing to make the story possible.
Author's Note: I want to thank all of my wonderful readers for leaving me such inspiring reviews!
Some of you I understand have been in the position of Ginny and I am so very glad that you got help and are doing
better. I'm so glad you are enjoying the story, your support is what helps me to keep writing so I thank you for
that. :) Sorry it took me a few days to get this next chapter out. I was having a bit of trouble writing it because of
a small case of writer's block. Unlike the last chapter which came so easily to me, this one was more difficult to
write. I hope it worked out ok and I hope you guys enjoy it, the climax, along with the ending is coming up real soon.
Please review and tell me if I did an ok job with writing this chapter! I had one reviewer leave me a very long review
in which she complimented my story but also mentioned something which I thought was a good point. Many people who are
depressed and do cut themselves, do stop but can have a relapse. Reading a story like this may cause them to think
about cutting once more and they may try it again. I'm sorry I never brought this point up before but I will say it
now, as another warning, if you have cut yourself before and are reading this story, I am advising you maybe not to
continue to read because of this chance of relapse. I am sorry again for never bringing this issue up before. Well,
with that said, continue on with the story and please please review! I appreciate all the feedback that I can get! I
will try to get the last 3 chapters out asap! Thank you for reading and supporting this story!
PhoenixFirebolt
Anger. That was the only emotion she felt right now. Blinding, full-out rage and hatred toward one person. And his name is Draco Malfoy. Ginny had not felt this much anger toward someone in years, the kind of anger that made her want him to suffer for all the hurt he had made her feel for the past four months.
Four months. For four months Ginny had done nothing but wait. Wait for a letter or an appearance from Draco. Nothing though. Not one letter had come to her and she had never seen him. Even on her brief trips to Diagon Alley for school supplies, she had never seen him. Ginny had even risked going down Knockturn Alley for a little while, hoping for a glimpse of Draco in one of the dingy shopping windows.
But with each passing day, Ginny's hopes began to slowly fade away. She still stayed up each night, staring out her window but she knew now her search of the skies was in vain. For the first couple months, all she did was cry. Tears were always present on her face and in her eyes. Sadness ached within every fiber of her being. Her mother and father were not immune to this change in her, but they let Ginny be. They knew not how to approach her on the subject of Draco, whom Ginny had only mentioned a few times to them. So, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley watched Ginny from a far, her pain being theirs, wishing they could understand their youngest child better and praying for her to be safe.
Eventually the tears dried up though, Ginny having wasted so many of them over the past year. Anger took their place and Ginny found herself absolutely hating Draco. She hated him for every tear he made fall, she hated him for every ache in her heart whenever she thought of him, she hated him for constantly being in her mind, and she hated that she loved him so much.
Ginny would now lock herself in her room every night, not caring if her entire family heard her, and she would just start screaming. She screamed her anger and hatred out in a blind rage, grabbing anything in her room and throwing it, needing to release the anger. She screamed at Draco, wanting him to hear her and all the agony he put her through. She wanted him to know how much his silence was slowly killing her.
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
and you still won't hear me
It was now August 31, the day before Ginny's return to Hogwarts for her seventh and final year there. Ginny went to her room after saying goodnight to her parents and Ron and locked the door behind her. She stared out at the brilliant flaming red sky that was spilling its color into her room and onto everything it touched, making it appear that her room was on fire. Ginny stood absolutely still, barely breathing, just watching the sky, hoping with everything in her that maybe, just maybe, today was the day. Maybe there would finally be a letter from Draco, this last day of summer.
But as the sun slowly slipped beyond the trees, in much the same way those months before, all of Ginny's hope went with it. As the light of the sun fully disappeared and darkness took its place, Ginny suddenly felt empty inside. The breath she didn't know she was holding in came rushing out of her and something inside her snapped. She grabbed the vase of flowers on the dresser next to her and threw it so it smashed against the wall above her bed. Tears of rage flooded down her cheeks and she collapsed to her knees, screaming her lungs out and sobbing uncontrollably.
"Why, damnit, why?!" she cried out, pounding her fists to the hard wood floor until they were numb.
Ginny lost track of time as she sat on the floor, crying and yelling until she was hoarse. When her tears subsided, she glanced up and saw that her room was now completely dark, not even the moonlight entered in. Ginny wiped her face in frustration and stumbled to her feet. Her entire body ached from the sobs that had wracked it and her hands were stiff. With a deep breath, she managed to walk over to her nightstand and light the candle sitting on it. Light flickered into the room and Ginny took the time to finally notice the disarray in it. Broken pieces of glass and other fragments littered the floor. Piles and piles of items were thrown into every corner. Her robes were thrown all over her bed in confusion. Her mother would have a fit when she saw the state of the room. Ginny could care less though.
She snapped herself from her thoughts and found herself walking toward her dresser again, ignoring the window and her need of wanting to stare out of it. As she looked through her drawers, searching for sleep wear, something on the ground, slightly under the dresser caught her eye. Ginny shut the drawer and knelt down to pick it up. It was a snapshot and she peered at it closely, trying to recognize the figures. Her breath caught in her throat and her heart skipped a beat when she saw who the two people were. The moving figures were herself and Draco. They were standing under a tree by the lake at Hogwarts, it had been taken right at the end of last year. She had her arms around his waist and he was playfully messing with her hair, making it look even more wild than it was. Her picture self would then turn and give Draco a dirty look which he only laughed at. As Ginny stared closer, she noticed that whenever one of them wasn't looking and was smiling at the camera, the other would sneak a glance to the one beside them and smile softly at them.
Ginny felt tears gathering in her eyes, remembering all the times she had spent with Draco last year, how much he had helped her save herself, and how she had found herself falling in love with him. He had always been there for her then, watching over her and stopping her from the drastic turn she almost took. He had saved her from death and given her new life. Ginny had thought he would be there from then on but he was gone, vanished as if he had never existed in her life and was only a dream.
Ginny bit her lip and felt her hand starting to shake, every emotion she felt coming to the surface. She pushed it all back though and once more, anger stood at the forefront. Anger filled her being and her eyes narrowed in contempt at the picture Draco. She grabbed the picture in both of her hands and quickly ripped it down the middle, tossing it to the floor. She didn't need Draco, she had never needed him. She could do this herself, she could resist the urge to cut herself alone. She could survive the loneliness, the hurt, the sadness, the pain. She could survive it all.
Ginny's hands then fell limply to her sides. Then why did she feel like she was slowly dying without having him there?
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
maybe I'll wake up for once
not tormented daily defeated by you
just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again
This is what happened to Ginny almost every day for the past two months. Anger would take over her and then, an absolute emptiness when the full reality of Draco's disappearance from her life hit her. It was like she was drowning, drowning in every memory of him and what she had felt when he had been present in her life. Draco had slowly come to consume every part of her life, she couldn't breathe without him, and Ginny hated herself for feeling this way.
It was almost as if Draco had planned this out from the beginning. Gaining her trust very slowly over the year and then coming to her, saying that he loved her, and as soon as the words left his lips, he knew he had her. Ginny had fallen into him at that very moment, trusting and believing in everything he said and did. She had made it so she could barely survive without him being there for her.
Fear gripped Ginny's heart, realizing Draco wanted this, he wanted to have her suffer and he wanted her to die. He had put up an act, and she had foolishly fallen for it. Determination set in her eyes as she turned away from the fallen fragments of the picture. She would not allow Draco to have a hold on her life anymore. She could control herself, and she would prove it to him.
I'm going under
drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Draco had become so good at his act that Ginny hadn't known when he was telling the truth or when he was lying to her about everything. He had used her, left her here with her heart broken and bleeding and her mind forever haunted by his presence. Ginny felt more tears welling in her eyes, for no matter how much she tried to convince herself that all Draco had done was try to fool her, she still found herself loving him and aching that he was not there.
Ginny bit down on her lip forcefully, trying to stop the tears. The metallic taste of blood hit her tongue and she put her hand to her lip to stop the bleeding. When her hand came back down, she stared down at the red liquid that was across her fingers and a strange sensation filled her. The candlelight barely allowed her to see the blood but it was there now, showing itself to her. With its presence, weakness washed over her body and she closed her eyes tightly, willing her mind to stop saying that one phrase she had hoped to never hear again, Release the pain.
And like that night so many months ago in the forest, where Ginny had almost ended her life, confusion filled her once more and a battle between her heart and mind began to take up again. Her heart didn't want it, but her mind was telling her that Draco was gone and that no one was left that loved her, just end it.
"Oh God, let it stop," Ginny whispered to the darkness, grabbing her head between her hands, trying to stop her mind from its endless urgings to end her life. She ran to the window, breathing in the warm air from outside, desperately trying to calm her nerves.
Ginny was just starting to realize that no matter how much she tried to blame Draco for her problems and cursed him for making her lose control of herself, deep down, it was she who was losing control. The trust she had so firmly placed in herself was beginning to waver.
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so I don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again
Ginny fell to her knees before the window, leaning her arms on the sill, staring at the faint glimmering moon that could be barely seen above the dark trees. Ginny put her chin on her arms, not trying to stop the tears this time, and whispered out into the night.
"Oh Draco, why have you done this to me? Why did you have to leave me here so utterly alone and helpless. I need you so damn much. Please, please come back to me," Ginny pleaded, wanting him to hear her. "I'm beginning to fall and I can't stop myself."
"Curse you for doing this to me," she breathed out, barely audible. "I should be able to save myself but I can't, I'm too damn weak. Curse you for making me lean on you so much."
Ginny clenched her fists, feeling the anger build up once more. She pushed herself away from the window and looked at her room again. On the far side of the room, something shimmered in the candlelight, catching her eye. She stood up and walked toward it, not knowing she was walking toward the one object that held her fate and her escape.
I'm going under
drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
Ginny reached the object and bent to pick it up. The feel of it in her hands was a sensation she had not felt in many months. She unclenched her fist around it and stared at the object in her palm, the one that was starting to beckon to her. Ginny's eyes went wide in shock as she recognized the well-worn pocketknife, the one who had been her constant friend and pain releaser for so many years until she met Draco. Again it was calling to her, trying to get her to release her hurt and anger one last time, to let every last ounce of her frustration spill away with one graze of its sharp edge.
Ginny took a deep shuddering breath as the knife kept calling to her and the thought of using it again kept settling deeper and deeper into her mind. Her body was on autopilot and so out of sorts that her heart barely argued with her this time. She knew what she had to do, she knew she had to release everything from her again. She knew that this time, nothing and no one would stop her.
Ginny clasped the knife to her chest and with silent foot steps, she slipped out of her room and down the many stairs to the first floor. She moved like a ghost to the back door and raced out of it, running toward the forest behind her house with only one goal in mind, Reach the river and finally end it all.
No looking back this time, no second guessing. Even if Draco came to stand in front of her at this very moment and scream at her to stop, she would not listen. Ginny was too wrapped up in her imagination again to notice anything about reality now. She was too far gone and so very far away from life. Ginny was now in control of herself and that was all that mattered to her.
So go on and scream
scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under
****************************
Song: Going Under by Evanescence