The Python Defense
A bawdy and slightly disturbing H/Hr crack fic by canoncansodoff
A/N: Spam, spam, spam, spam....Crack, crack, crack, crack...There is no Python to speak of in this chapter, and it brings us no closer to Snape's revenge. But I thought that Lisa deserves some screen time, and wanted to show how Harry pretending to be Susan's boyfriend is not a healthy or viable long-term option.
This chapter has a fresh lemony scent to it. Those not interested in reading the smuttier parts of this story can probably safely skip over/wait for the next chapter (which will move GetSnape! plot line forward).
Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.
oo00OO00oo
Chapter 10: Moving in That Direction
"Hermione?"
The Muggleborn witch opened her eyes and stared at the Tempus-spelled numbers floating in front of her face.
It was 5:15am.
She caught a short breath and held it in as her brain worked furiously…far too furiously, given the hour.
Hermione was in her bed, lying on her side dressed only in boxer shorts. She was sharing her bed with someone…someone who wasn't the owner of those boxer shorts. Someone who was spooning against her…a female someone with bared breasts pressed against Hermione's back. Someone who had pushed down the covers far enough to cast the Tempus spell…presumably with the wand held in the hand that was now loosely resting on her hip.
But why?
She remembered, then released the breath, and looked back over her shoulder.
"Lisa?"
"Sorry…you wanted to be awake and ready?"
"Yeah…thanks."
The Ravenclaw gave Hermione's hip a friendly squeeze. Then she slowly scooted her own hips back, reestablishing the gap that had been set before they'd fallen asleep.
"Sorry for the cuddling…didn't mean to..."
Hermione snorted, then flipped over so that she could face the other witch.
"No worries…Harry and Susan are probably spooning right now too. Doesn't mean that anything is going on, right?"
Lisa rolled her eyes. "Yeah…the things going on stuff won't start until they wake up."
Her bed mate frowned. "That is the plan, right?"
"So why are we going to do this, then?"
"Because you did such a good job ravishing Susan last night that she's got nothing but lesbian on the brain?"
"Oh…yeah, I forgot," admitted the sheepish Ravenclaw. "Sorry about that, by the way."
Hermione smiled. "Nothing to apologize over…with all of this pretending we both needed the chance to spend some quality time with our lovers…right?"
"But still…with you two in the same room…"
"Taking advantage of the opportunity just like you two were…"
Lisa nodded, her mind drifting back to what she had seen…and heard…and done the night previous. Her cheeks began to redden.
"What are you thinking about?" asked Hermione.
"Erm…well…"
"Was my Harry stealing glances at what you two were doing?"
Lisa giggled. "No more than his Hermione was, I think."
The Muggleborn witch blushed.
"Any more than you were looking back towards us?" she weakly countered.
"Probably not," Lisa admitted. "Sorry for that…last night was…"
"An educational experience?"
"And…I have to admit…helpful as well."
"Really?" Hermione asked. "You mean the movies were helpful?"
"No…I mean, yes…I mean…the movies were, erm…stimulating and interesting, but I was talking about you and Harry."
"What?"
An excitable and amazingly alert House Elf popped onto Hermione's bed, preventing Lisa from elaborating.
"The Great Harry Potter's Sir and his Girl-Girlfriend be starting to wake up," Dobby announced.
Hermione immediately sat up and leaned against the head board. She didn't care that in doing so she flashed her breasts to the House Elf; he didn't care, and she'd traveled Air Dobby completely naked before.
"Thank you for warning us," she replied. "So you remember the plan, then?"
Dobby nodded vigorously. "Dobby be going back to minding the Great Harry Potter Sir's bed, and be watching the pretending with his girl-girlfriend. When she be all excited and be hiding her face in the pillows and pushing her bum in the Great Harry Potter Sir's face and be telling him to ride her like a hippogriff, then I be fetching you two and bringing you to the Great Harry Potter Sir's bed."
Hermione smiled, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "That's right, Dobby. And thanks again for your help."
The House Elf smiled broadly. "Dobby be bursty happy to help The Great Harry Potter sir to be playing and loving his girlfriends!" He then popped away before Hermione could remind him of the difference between girlfriend and girl-girlfriend.
And one floor above them, in the Sixth-Year Girls's Dormitory, Katie Bell mumbled "Harem! Harem! Harem!" in her sleep.
Hermione rolled her eyes as she reached for the invisibility cloak that she'd stashed underneath her pillow.
"Almost show time?" she asked.
Lisa nodded as she threw back the duvet, uncovered what she had stashed under her pillow, then rose to her feet.
"Maybe we should practice the choreography?" she asked, as she hooked her thumbs under the waistband of her knickers and pushed them down towards her feet.
There was no immediate response to either her question or to her full-frontal nudity, as her bed partner's full attention was focused upon the strap-on dildo that was now sitting out in the open.
"Hermione?"
The bushy-haired witch startled, and looked up at Lisa with flushed cheeks.
"Sorry….so, yeah. The choreography?"
Lisa smiled when she noticed that Hermione's gaze was drifting back down towards the pillow.
"You can take a closer look at it, if you want?"
Hermione's blush deepened.
"Sorry, it's just…didn't realize that you'd brought it with you..."
"It's part of the plan, right?"
"Well, yes," agreed Hermione.
She made no effort to disguise her continued interest as Lisa picked the sex toy up off of the pillow, stood up on the bed, and stepped into one of the leg straps.
"Can you do that by your…need any help?" Hermione squeaked.
"I can manage, thanks…unless you want to hold it in place?" Lisa teased.
"No…that's okay."
"Right."
There was some more semi-awkward dead air time while Hermione watched Lisa adjust the leather straps that were fastened above each hip. Trying to get off that particular topic, she then asked, "So you were saying that last night was educational for you as well?"
The Ravenclaw nodded. "I've…I've never seen a wizard and witch do those sorts of things before," Lisa admitted. "Watching what you were doing to Harry…watching how he did you…helps me with my pretending."
"Helps you do Susie…with that?" Hermione asked.
Lisa looked down at her fake appendage and shook her head with a smile.
"Budge over," she said, as she sat down next to Hermione.
"So it helped with…?"
"My other pretending," Lisa replied quietly. "Me pretending in my brain that I'm into boys, in case Snape or the Headmaster try to spy."
Hermione worried her lower lip with her teeth as she mulled over that statement.
"Do you mean that…you were putting yourself into my shoes last night?"
"Were you wearing shoes while you and Harry were…"
"You know what I mean."
Lisa smiled. "Yes, I do…and yes, I did," she admitted. "But it's not like I was perving on your boyfriend…really. I was just…this might sound terrible, but…now I can pretend fantasize better by putting other boys' heads onto Harry's body, while I pretend that they are putting their smaller heads into me."
Hermione nodded. "Is it hard?"
Lisa chuckled as she looked down and gave her dildo a stroke. "It's always hard, Hermione."
"I mean…is it hard to pretend that you are heterosexual?"
"A little bit," the Ravenclaw admitted. "But maybe not the way that…"
"What?"
"Never mind."
Hermione reached down and gave the side of Lisa's thigh a playful slap.
"Tell me!"
"Oh…into spanky spank?"
"Don't change the subject.
Lisa snorted. "Ok, fine. The thing is, well…."
She paused long enough to do another tip-to-base stroke. "If you haven't noticed, I tend to be more butch and Susan tends to be more femme."
"No, really?" Hermione teased. She boldly reached over and slapped the tip of the dildo so that it bounced back and forth. "How would I have ever guessed?"
"Hush!" Lisa gently hissed.
"So imagining that you are with a boy isn't as hard as imagining that you are a bottom?" Hermione guessed.
Lisa shrugged. "Right in one."
"So don't."
"Don't what?"
"Don't pretend that you're a bottom," the Muggleborn explained. She nodded towards the toy and asked, "Have you ever imagined using that monster on a boy?"
Lisa gasped. "Have you?"
"Erm, no."
"No…or not yet?" Lisa teased.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing…beyond the fact that now that you've seen a strap-on up close and personal that it might be…inspirational?"
"You mean that I might be thinking what it would be like to use a strap-on on a girl?" Hermione asked.
"Girl…boy…whatever…" Lisa teased.
Hermione sighed.
"Right…so you wanted to go over the choreography?" she asked.
Lisa nodded, and crawled down to the foot of the bed.
"C'mon, then."
"What…do you want me to pretend that I'm Susan?" Hermione asked.
The Ravenclaw paused for a moment…long enough to imagine Hermione on all fours with her fanny waving in the air. She released that thought and replied, "No…grab the cloak, get down here and pretend that you are you."
Hermione nodded and crawled down to Lisa's side. With both of them now on their knees facing the pillows, she said, "So let's assume that they're awake now. They'll cuddle for a bit…or pretend to cuddle…then Susan will get on her hands and knees and say…"
"Wait…"
"What?"
"Aren't they going to have to do more than cuddle to get Harry hard?"
Hermione turned and gave Lisa an incredulous look.
"No."
Lisa sighed. "Okay, fine. So Susan says the code words that alert Dobby, and he comes back here to fetch us."
"You should already have the cloak on by then," Hermione noted. "Might as well put it on now, right?"
"Sure," said Lisa, taking the offered garment and slipping it around her shoulders.
Hermione helped the other witch with the hood and buttoning, and chuckled when the Ravenclaw reached down and slipped the dildo through the front gap.
"What?" Lisa teased. "You've never seen a disembodied dick before?"
"Can't say that I have," Hermione replied. "So…you've got the cloak, and Dobby will use his House Elf magic on me. We'll pop over and…"
Hermione was interrupted midsentence when Dobby popped into her bed and turned words into action. He wiggled his fingers at her, then touched her breast with one hand and Lisa's dildo with the other and transported them both behind Harry's closed bed curtains.
Their naked lovers had assumed the correct position...for the most part. Susan was on all fours with Harry lined up behind her on his knees. Susan's face was buried in a pillow, but there wasn't anything in the script that called on her to moan into that pillow as Harry ran his fingernails up and down her back.
Hermione scowled as Harry reached forward to scratch Susan's neck.
"Mind the gap, Potter!"
Harry looked down, then jumped back immediately, pulling his hands off of Susan's back. He looked down once more to reevaluate the distance between his bits and her bum, then looked over his shoulder towards Hermione and started to reply.
"Don't say anything!" she hissed. "If Dobby did me right, then you're the only one that can see or hear me."
Harry thought for a moment, then nodded.
Hermione rolled her eyes, reached forward, and gave her boyfriend's bum a slap.
"So get out of the way, already, before Lisa pops her thing into some place you wouldn't want it to go."
Harry's eyes darted from Hermione's face down to the dildo that appeared to be floating in the air.
He quickly (but carefully) slipped out of the way.
"Ask Susan if she's ready to be shagged silly, Harry," Hermione instructed.
He complied.
"Oh, Yes Harry! Ram it home!" Susan declared…in a voice clear enough to be heard even with a face full of pillow.
The demand was met not by Harry, but by the disembodied dick. Harry could feel Lisa brush by as they swapped places. And what he could see…well, that was something quite amazing. His hand drifted down towards his crotch, and…
"Need some help there, boyfriend?"
Harry swatted her hand away and shook his head.
Hermione smiled. "I see you grabbed your glasses too? Wanted to make sure you got a clear view of Susan's bits?"
He started to explain, but thought better of it and pretended to lock his lips with his fingers.
"Yeah, yeah…you can explain later."
Harry rolled his eyes and mouthed a silent protest.
"Oh, no worries," Hermione replied. "I suppose you did need proper vision to keep proper distances."
Her boyfriend nodded, touched his nose with his index finger, and pointed towards her. She smiled, and said, "So…I probably should also assume that you were just stalling for time when you went off-script and gave Sue a back rub?"
Harry nodded vigorously, causing his lower head to bounce to the same beat. This caught Hermione's eye.
"Merlin, Harry…you look like you are ready to explode right now."
He blushed, looked towards the other two witches in his bed, then lifted his hands up and shrugged in a "Can you blame me?" gesture.
"No, I guess I can't blame you," said Hermione with a smile. "I'm kind of turned on myself."
Harry tore his eyes away Lisa's efforts and arched an eyebrow at his girlfriend.
"What?" she asked innocently. She smiled, and added, "I kind of like this kind of invisible…with you being the only one that can see or hear me."
Harry nodded.
"Funny that you didn't mention that Dobby could do this trick before," she added. "Or how Daphne benefited from it while you two did a bit of naked chatting in your shower room?"
"But…" Harry loudly protested. Hermione covered his mouth with her hand before he could say anything more.
"Yes…Harry! Spank my butt!" Susan gasped.
Hermione glanced over at the Hufflepuff and nodded.
"Smooth," she noted. "Susan is quite the good actress, isn't she?"
Harry shrugged, then jerked his attention back towards the sound of slapped flesh.
"Yes! Spank me again, Harry!"
Hermione reached over and grabbed her boyfriend's attention.
"Hey, just don't get any ideas, Mister. Lisa can spank her own girlfriend, and I don't get turned on by pain or submissiveness."
Harry looked down at where Hermione had grabbed his attention. He covered her hand with his, then looked into her eyes, smiled, and mouthed, "Yes, Dear!"
She sighed, and said, "So you remember the script, Harry?"
He nodded, and moved Hermione's grasp up and down his shaft.
"Not just yet," said Hermione. "Because you are a thoughtful boyfriend, right? And thoughtful boyfriends don't come until their girlfriend has at least one orgasm."
Harry waggled his eyebrows and looked down towards the boxer shorts that Hermione was wearing.
"Oh, I suppose you think that should apply to me as well right now?"
Harry nodded and smiled.
Hermione giggled and pulled her hand away from his bits.
"I suppose a proper boyfriend should be perving on his real girlfriend, if he is given a chance," she noted.
Harry nodded and smiled emphatically.
"If you insist," she teased. As she slowly reached underneath the waistband of her shorts she added, "Just remember the plan…when you're close…announce it, then give Lisa enough time to get out of the way…and make sure you're pointing towards a safe part of Sue when you burst!"
Harry nodded, and gave Hermione his entire attention while she began to rub herself…even when her attention drifted elsewhere. Because while watching your girlfriend play with herself was amazingly hot…watching your girlfriend play with herself while she watched two other girls play was even hotter.
oo00OO00oo
"Harry?"
The Muggle-raised wizard opened his eyes and stared the numbers floating in front of his face.
The Tempus spell read 7:15am.
Harry caught a short breath and held it in as his brain worked furiously…far too furiously, given the hour.
He was in his bed. He was in his bed naked, and sharing his bed with someone…a naked female someone who was spooning against him with bared breasts pressed against his back. A naked female someone who had pushed down the covers far enough to cast a Tempus spell…presumably with the wand that was now gripped in a fist that was balled against his lower abdomen, holding him close. And he could read the spell's output because he'd fallen asleep wearing his glasses.
But why?
He remembered, then released the breath, and looked back over her shoulder.
"Susan?"
The Hufflepuff giggled. "Expecting somebody else to be snuggling with you, boyfriend?"
The-Boy-Who-Lived snorted as reached down and covered the witch's wand hand with his. Noting carefully the relative positions of their wand tips, he gently lifted Susan's hand away from his belly and scooted his hips forward until he could safely turn over and face her.
"So…"
Susan dropped her wand onto the bed linens, reached up, and interrupted Harry by covering his lips with her finger. "Give me a few seconds," she purred, as she closed her eyes and smiled.
"Sure," he replied. He was guessing that she was trying to fix that morning's scripted events firmly into her memories. He was also guessing that Susan was using auditory and tactile stimulation to help that process along. Or at least he was hoping there wasn't another reason why she was laying there in front of him, softly moaning as she slowly dragged her finger in circles around the perimeter of one of her exposed nipples.
Harry sighed. All of this intimate pretending was getting dangerous…and more than a bit frustrating. Not in a blue balls sort of way, mind you…Hermione had been willing and eager to stay on top of that "situation." Several times a day for the past few days, actually. But here he was, sharing a bed for the first time with Susan (and just Susan, assuming that Hermione and/or Lisa weren't lurking about under either the cloak or Dobby's magic). And they were naked, and the covers were down to their waists, and she was mewing oh so sexily as she lifted her hand from her breast so that she could move a thick strand of unbraided strawberry-blonde hair off of her face and tuck it behind her ear.
He knew that Susan liked girls, but that didn't make her any less attractive physically. He closed his own eyes, and tried to focus his thoughts on his real girlfriend, rather than the fake girlfriend who was within arm's reach, fixing into her short-term memory banks a staged sexual encounter that involved him riding her doggy-style.
The shift in thoughts didn't do anything to lessen the sexual tension in the air, though…or to diminish the dangers. Because when Harry's thoughts turned to Hermione, he pictured her as he'd last seen her…in that very bed a few hours previous, rubbing one off as she watched Lisa and Susan play with their toy. And then he imagined Hermione sharing her bed with Lisa…and Lisa's toy…and while he trusted his girlfriend, and while she trusted him, and Lisa and Susan trusted each other, and they all assumed that the Chasers were teasing when they charted about harems…Hermione and he had been boyfriend and girlfriend for just a few days (and nights). Where was all of this heading? How much longer would they have to pretend? Was it going to continue to be "pretend" for all involved…and was the pretending going to involve more than what the four of them did early that morning?
"Harry?"
The-Boy-Who-Worried opened his eyes and caught Susan's gaze.
"Good morning, girlfriend," he said.
"Good morning, boyfriend."
"I'd kiss you except…"
"Yeah, morning breath," Susan giggled. "I should get going, before…"
"Need my cloak?"
Susan nodded, and closed her eyes again. A few seconds later, she opened them, smiled, and said, "Cut."
"Cut there?" asked Harry.
The Hufflepuff nodded. "I just appended a trip back to my dormitory under your cloak to the scene."
Harry snorted. "And what a scene it was, huh?"
"Oh, yeah…"
"We've got your brain in the right place, then?"
Susan giggled, her gaze drifting down towards the point just below his navel where bared skin was covered by duvet.
"How could it not be…you are a very good lover, Harry," she purred.
The black-haired wizard frowned. "I thought we ended the scene?"
"We did," Susan replied. "I was talking about you and Hermione…last night?"
"Oh, yeah….sure," Harry replied. "You too…you and Lisa, I mean."
"Of course you do," Susan teased, reaching out and giving Harry's thin strip of chest hair a playful tug.
"Hey!" he protested, swatting her hand away.
Susan snorted when Harry pulled the covers up towards his chin.
"Now you get modest?"
"Now I get protective," he countered. "It took me a long time to grow those hairs."
Susan giggled.
"I really should get going," she declared. "Can I borrow your cloak?"
"Why don't you just ride Air Dobby?"
"Because when Professor Sprout checks the house wards she'll know that I left the dormitory last night, but didn't return," Susan explained. "If Dobby pops me back into my bed without first passing back through the front door…"
"Yeah, we really should keep Dobby's capabilities under our hats," Harry agreed. "So you going to flash my roommates again?"
"Do you think I need to?"
Harry snorted. "No, between what Neville saw and what the others have probably imagined…"
"Good. Then I'll cover up and ask Dobby to pop me in front of my dormitory entrance...that will shorten my walk of shame."
"You don't have anything to be ashamed about," Harry whispered.
"Why thank you Harry…you say the nicest things," Susan replied, as she smiled and pushed herself up off of the bed. Harry kept his gaze firmly planted on her pillow, mindful of the fact that she was standing naked over him as he handed her his cloak.
"Pretend to escort me out of your bed after I'm gone?" she asked.
Harry nodded.
"Sure thing," he replied. "See you later, then?"
Susan giggled. "What? You haven't seen enough of me this morning?"
Harry risked looking up from the pillow.
"I can't see you at all right now," he noted.
"Well that doesn't seem fair, since I still can see all of you," Susan teased, dragging an invisible big toe half-way up his leg.
Harry tried to trap the toe by clamping his knees together. He missed.
Harry tried to reach up and tickle the giggling invisible witch. He missed, and Dobby popped her away.
Harry thought about trying to bang his forehead against the headboard in frustration. But then he thought about everything that had happened in the previous twelve hours…everything that he had done…and pretended to have done. Everything that he had seen…with his glasses on. Everything that he had heard…and touched…and tasted…and smelled…
The teen-aged wizard grinned, and flopped over onto his back. Umbridge, and Snape, and Dumbledore, and Voldemort, and the ridiculous homework assignment in Divination…there was no room for these things within Harry's thoughts. They'd been shoved into the shadows by shared beds and shared bits…well beyond the edge of what mattered most to him at that moment. And all of the worry that he'd experienced earlier, when he was still in Susan's arms, had vanished as well, allowing him to properly enjoy his unbelievable good fortune like any "normal" hormonally-fueled teen-aged boy.
Harry's lust-tinged trip down short-term memory lane was cut short by the tip of a bludger bat…a bat that somebody had discretely slipped in between his spell-silenced bed curtains. A handwritten note stuck to the end of the bat read, "IT'S 7:30…BREKKERS?"
The-Boy-Who-Lived chuckled as he pulled his wand from beneath his pillow and cancelled the silencing charms on his bed curtains.
"Thanks," he called out. "Give us a minute, then?"
Laughter broke out on the other side as the bat was pulled back.
"Interesting choice of pronouns," declared Neville.
"Could just be conversation, you know," Harry replied. "Like 'Give us a kiss, luv'?"
"I suppose," his friend offered.
Harry waited a few seconds, then pulled back the curtains dramatically. All four of his dorm mates' faces were staring back at him.
"Good morning, Harry."
"Erm…good morning, Neville."
"Good morning, Susan!"
"Sod off, Seamus."
"Should I get the door for any invisible guests?"
"You can sod off as well, Dean."
"Didn't answer the question, did he?"
"Haven't you guys got anything better to do?" Harry asked, as he climbed out of bed.
The other boys looked at each other and grinned.
"No." they replied in unison.
Harry rolled his eyes as he walked over to the door and opened it for his pretend invisible friend.
"Leaving anyone behind?" asked Seamus, as he patted down Harry's bed linens.
"He's only got the one cloak," Ron noted.
"Oh, yeah…that's too bad."
"It's still probably big enough for more than one witch, though, if they're small," said Ron.
"Nothing small about Susan's baps," offered Dean.
"Think they'd fit if she pressed those baps tight against the other witch?" asked Seamus.
"There's a thought," Ron whispered.
A chorus of "Harem! Harem! Harem!" drifted up the stairwell.
"That's enough!" Harry growled, as he fingered his holly wand.
"Two witches are enough, you mean?" Seamus quipped.
The Irish teen ducked under the flatulence hex that Harry hurled in his direction, grabbed a towel, and dashed towards the lavatory. Dean and Ron were quick to follow, nervously tracking The-Boy-Who-Lived's wand tip.
"You aren't going to hex wandless wizards in the back, are you?" Ron asked.
Harry gritted his teeth and fumed quietly as Neville (who'd already readied himself for the day) held up his hands and backed out the doorway on his way down towards the Common Room. But being left alone in their room opened up other possibilities.
"Dobby?"
"Yes, Harry Potter, Sir?" asked the quick-to-respond House Elf.
"Dean, Ron and Seamus just left for the showers," Harry noted. "They are all a little hot and overexcited…would you be able to cool them down?"
The House Elf smiled and cracked his knuckles.
"Dobby can be cooling down The Great Harry Potter Sir's dorm mates!"
"Thanks, Dobby, you're the…."
But the House Elf popped away before Harry could finish thanking him.
The black-haired wizard sighed, grabbed his own towel, and headed towards the showers.
That towel proved a useful barrier just a few seconds later, when Harry leaped out of the way of three screaming naked teenagers who were being chased by three animated disembodied shower heads that were nipping at their heels with full blasts of ice cold water.