The Python Defense
A bawdy and slightly disturbing NC-17 H/Hr crack fic by canoncansodoff
A/N: This story (and those of you who enjoyed it) deserved an ending. So I began to write, and what I wrote grew, and grew, and grew…so I'm still not done with the story. But I am getting closer, and I think those who have liked this story so far won't mind…too much.
Please do recall that this is unabashedly presented as crack, and is not to be taken seriously.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.
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Chapter 5: Sleeping Between Fantasy and Reality
The toe-curling goodnight kiss that Hermione and Harry shared in the Common Room made each of them wonder why they didn't spend the night within the Room of Requirement, under the plush covers of the lavish four-post bed that they had both really needed. Or why, for that matter, Hermione didn't just follow Harry up the stairs and share his less lavish (but perfectly serviceable) dormitory bed. But plans had been made back in the Room of Requirement… and those plans required the assistance of those most at risk due to Snape's Legilimency attack.
Hermione's hips swayed and bum bounced with each step as she began to climb her dormitory stairs…in part because she knew Harry was watching, and in part because their reenactments of his wanking fantasies had left her loins wonderfully tender and sore. When she reached halfway up the first flight, she stopped, turned around, and caught him staring up at her with lust in his eyes and a bulge in his trousers.
"Can I add to the flock, Harry?" she asked coyly.
"Huh?"
Not waiting for a more articulate response, Hermione checked the stairs above her, then ripped open her robes and gave her lover a full-frontal flash.
"Hermione!" Harry hissed weakly. "What if Snape steals this memory the next time he attacks my mind?"
His bushy-haired girlfriend smiled brightly as an idea came to mind.
"Well, better he sees my bits when I am halfway up the stairs, than see them when you were nuzzling them with your nose…right?"
"Erm, yeah…I guess…"
"Just think of it as an extra layer of protection, Harry."
"What do you mean?"
Hermione slowly dragged a finger down the middle of her chest as she grinned down at her boyfriend.
"A dilution-based defense," she explained. "Fill your head with less-important secrets, or memories, or fantasies…Snape can't view them all at once, right?"
"No, he's got to go one at a time, but…"
"So fill your short-term memory banks with thoughts about me standing her like this…or by imagining me walking into my dormitory room with my robes opened…or if I were to dress like this for meals…or had my bits exposed like this during classes…"
"Urrrrrrrr……You're killing me….."
"Think about me walking naked within the library stacks, Harry," Hermione purred. "Running my fingers along the…thick…hard…book bindings, then running those same fingers up the inside of my naked thighs….."
"Hermione!!!!"
"Have I filled your head yet with pervy thoughts?"
"It was full of pervy thoughts before we even left the Room of Requirement."
"Then we're good, then."
"No, doesn't work that way," Harry whined, his eyes following the path of her fingers. "Snape just tricks me by getting me to think about what I'm most afraid of him seeing, then zeroes in on those thoughts and memories…memories like right now…"
Hermione sighed, shook her head with disappointment, then pulled out her wand.
"Well in that case, I've got a little message for him," she replied.
Using the flaming letters spell Harry had first seen within the Chamber of Secrets, Hermione spelled out the phrase "YEA, FOCUS PUNK!"
Harry snorted. "I'm impressed…any specific spot you want him to focus on, then?"
Hermione frowned. "Focus? Oh, sorry…hang on…."
The mostly naked witch waved her wand and rearranged the fiery anagram until it read "FUCK YOU, SNAPE!"
"There…that's better," she decided. "That pathetic wanker can kiss my arse."
"But…"
"Butt…bum…arse…whatever."
Harry rolled his eyes.
"Minx!"
Hermione giggled and nodded her head in agreement. As the fires died she gathered the bottom of her robes, so that her boyfriend had a clear view of her bare "whatever" while she resumed her climb up the stairs.
She was both proud of…and slightly scandalized by…her brazenness. But it was, after all, too late to worry about their Potions professor "seeing" her that way within Harry's mind. Sticking to the script of his pervy fantasies in order to fool Snape had lasted all of three-minutes time…because she was aggressively impatient, and because he hadn't imagined in his wildest dreams that she would be that aggressive in bed.
Or that she could ignore her gag reflex, for that matter.
There was one last wink and one last flash, one before Hermione finally said her last goodnight and disappeared from Harry's view. She sighed, buttoned the front of her robes shut, then drew her wand…fully anticipating an angry confrontation with Ginny Weasley. But the door to the Fourth Years' room was shut as she climbed past it, and the excitable redhead was nowhere to be seen.
Hermione bypassed the entrance to her own dormitory room and instead entered the Sixth Year's room. But Katie Bell wasn't to be found, and the other two Chasers weren't in the Seventh Years' Dormitory either. Hermione checked the shared lavatory without success, then decided (after making use of its facilities) to give up the hunt and head for her own bed.
Parvati and Lavender's bed curtains were closed, giving their bushy-haired roommate a gossip-free opportunity to quietly undress. Hermione's mind drifted back towards the Room of Requirement as she unbuttoned buttons, and a warm flush traveled from her cheeks down towards her chest. Fingers strayed almost on their own volition from button holes to breasts, and a low growl escaped from her mouth as she twisted and tweaked nipples that Harry had lovingly suckled off-script.
The need to revisit all of the places where her lover's mouth had explored that night overwhelmed the teen-aged witch...so she kicked off her shoes, forced half-undone robes over her head, and threw them in the general direction of her desk chair. Then she ripped open the bedcurtains and…found a bed full of scantily dressed witches playing cards.
"Oh great, you're finally here," said Katie Bell. "Shall I deal you in?"
"Looks like she's already been playing strip poker," Luna Lovegood observed.
"And lost," grinned Daphne Greengrass.
"I'd say that she won, if she was playing strip poker with Harry," snarked Susan Bones.
Hermione stared at the gathering with shocked disbelief. Easy enough to figure out how the Gryffindor Chasers had gotten into her dorm room. But there was Luna…and Lisa Turpin from Ravenclaw, Susan from Hufflepuff…and a Slytherin?
"Well…are you going to join us, then?" asked Daphne.
Hermione frowned, then looked back over her shoulder towards the closed curtains of the other two beds. Not wanting the group discussion to grow any larger, she nodded, then climbed onto her mattress, squeezing in between Luna and Daphne.
"How did you all get up here?" she hissed. "How did you keep so quiet?"
"Potter's House-Elf…and charmed bed curtains," Daphne explained.
"Dobby?" asked Hermione. "House-Elves can carry students from one part of the castle to another?"
"Apparently from one bed to another," Susan stated.
"Useful way for Harry to get around the stair alarms, don't you think?" Angelina snarked. "In fact…why don't we get the little guy to bring Harry here right now?"
"Erm, no, let's not," Hermione replied. "At least not before you all tell me why you're here."
"You should know," said Daphne. "Dobby popped into my bed a half-hour ago, said that The Great Harry Potter's Sir's Alpha did be wanting to talk to the rest of his harem, and next thing I know I'm sharing your bed with a half-dozen different witches."
As Lisa, Luna and Susan echoed that story, Alicia Spinnet giggled, and took up the "Harem! Harem! Harem!" chant. Hermione shushed her and said, "Well, I never said harem…or claimed to be Harry's Alpha…I just said that those of us at risk from Snape's snooping should get together to make plans. Didn't think that Dobby overheard us, or that we'd be meeting now, dressed like this."
"Or undressed, in your case," teased Katie.
Hermione reached over and slapped the Sixth-Year's arm. "Stop it!"
"So do you know if everyone is here, then?" asked Lisa.
The naked bushy-haired witch snorted. "Yeah, for the most part…Ginny flashed her arse at Harry once, but from what he said, and from what I've seen of it, that's not a whole lot to worry about."
"Worry, in terms of Snape taking advantage of it, or in terms of tempting your boyfriend to stray?" teased Katie.
"Both," Hermione snorted.
"Interesting that you didn't deny being Potter's girlfriend," Daphne slyly noted.
Hermione smiled sweetly, and replied, "Yes it is, isn't it?"
Katie squealed, and leaned over so that she could pull the younger witch into a hug.
"It's about time!" she declared. "So tell us all the naughty details, girl!"
"Erm, no."
"Not denying that there are lots of naughty details, though?"
"No, I'm not," Hermione grinned.
Susan Bones glanced at Lisa and shook her head.
"So, Hermione…I suppose that Harry told you all of our own naughty details?"
A serious expression immediately formed on Muggleborn witch's face.
"No, actually…he didn't," Hermione declared. "He just said that everyone here had the most to worry about from what Snape had seen."
"But Harry didn't tell you what he saw?"
"Nope."
"And you weren't the least bit curious?"
Hermione chuckled. "Well, maybe a tiny bit. But there I was…on top of my favorite table in the library… naked in my boyfriend's arms. Do you really think that I wanted to talk about other witches right after we had…"
"Shagged for the first time?" teased Katie.
"Then shagged for the second and third times?" added Alicia.
"Shagged three times in the library?" asked Susan.
"Stop!" hissed Hermione.
"You really did stop at three times, then?" asked Daphne.
"I'm not going to answer that."
"You really did shag in the library?" asked Susan.
"No, it was just the Room of Requirement, pretending to be the library."
"But you're not denying that you shagged in a room pretending to be the library…"
Hermione rolled her eyes.
"So," asked Luna, "Harry didn't tell you about the time that he and I peed in the Forbidden Forest?"
"Erm, no."
"Would you like me to tell you about the time that Harry and I peed in the Forbidden Forest?"
"Maybe later."
"Okay," Luna replied brightly.
Lisa Turpin finally joined in on the conversation.
"Why did you want to talk with us Hermione?"
"Revenge," the Gryffindor witch said with determination. "Revenge, and damage control."
"Revenge I can understand," said Daphne. "But what's that about damage control?"
"There are ways that we can limit the damage caused by Snape's snooping," Hermione explained.
"How?" asked Lisa.
"Harry is convinced that Snape is going to try to use what he saw as blackmail," said Hermione. "And the best way to neutralize a blackmailer's power is to get whatever secrets he's trying to use out into the open."
"What?" asked Susan. "You want us to come out about what he saw?"
"Not necessarily," Hermione replied. "Well, maybe, depending on what he saw…look there's two ways Snape wants to use this stuff. First, he thinks that it will isolate Harry…that if we knew what Harry saw, or that Harry has been perving on us…that we'd get angry if we found out, and stop being his friends."
"The idea that he's perving on me wants me to be even friendlier," snarked Katie. But then she saw the dangerous look that Hermione was giving her, and quickly added, "Friendlier, of course, in a non-sexual way that wouldn't at all pose a threat to his girlfriend."
"Of course, Katie," Hermione said sharply. "Look, my point is…Harry dealt with this on his own tonight, by telling us in advance…and apologizing, where needed."
"No need here," said Daphne.
The opinion was quickly shared by all of the other witches, limiting Hermione's ability to worry, or become cross with any single one of them.
"Well, I'm glad to see that Harry won't lose any friends over this," she decided.
"Close female friends, at least," observed Angelina. "Didn't think that Ron took the news all that well…"
"Or Colin," added Luna.
Hermione chuckled. "Yes, well…Ron is a git, and I think that Colin will just have to live with a broken heart."
"So what's the other way that Snape could use this information?" asked Alicia.
"Well if he can't hurt Harry this way…he could try to hurt Harry's friends."
"By using what he saw against us…personally," whispered Susan.
Luna nodded. "Openly declaring that we know about what Harry saw offers some protection."
Hermione nodded. "Yeah, I've got some ideas there…which is why I want you all to meet us before breakfast tomorrow."
She then explained her plans to everyone's satisfaction.
Katie then noted, "So that would only leave us vulnerable if what Harry saw or did with each of us was illegal."
"Well no worries for me, at least," said Daphne. "My father forced me to pose for those nude photographs…and they're not uncommon attachments to proposed marriage contracts."
"A marriage contract?" hissed Hermione, suddenly remembering the package that Harry had reacted nervously to within the Great Hall.
Daphne snorted. "More worried about that, then the thought of your boyfriend perving on pictures of me flashing my fanny in the Potions classroom?"
Katie snorted in response. "Sounds like Hermione flashing her bits for real in the Library trumps your candid photography."
Lisa nodded. "And it also sounds like she has nothing to worry about with that contract…or else Dobby would have been calling you Harry's Alpha, instead of Hermione."
Daphne looked at the expression on Hermione's face, noted that she was in Gryffindor Tower and vastly outnumbered by Gryffindors, and quickly backtracked.
"No worries, Hermione," she said. "Harry was a perfect gentleman, and returned the pictures when he turned down my father's proposal."
"No worries about us, either," added Angelina. "Harry didn't touch us…he didn't even fantasize about shagging us after we teased him in the Quidditch locker rooms."
"Well, there was the strip poker game…and Katie's knickers…" Alicia noted.
"Not! Helping!" hissed Katie. She then turned towards the red-faced bushy-haired witch and said, "Nothing happened, really!…Tell you later."
"Harry held my hand when we ran naked in the woods," Luna confessed. "But he let go of my hand when we urinated."
Not know how to respond to that statement, Hermione stared at Luna with opened-mouth shock. Once she gathered back some of her wits, she said, "Well, then…so far it doesn't sound as if any of us were doing anything that could get us thrown into Azkaban..."
Katie cut in and added, "Or worse… expelled?"
"Oh, geez…am I ever going to live that one down?"
"Probably not."
"What about you, Hermione?" asked Katie.
"What do you mean?" she replied. "There's no law against accidentally flashing your knickers in the library."
"What about laws against underaged sex?"
"Doesn't apply," Hermione replied quickly. "I'm sixteen, Harry is fifteen, and the age of consent within the wizarding world is twelve."
"Twelve?" Katie asked incredulously.
The bushy-haired witch shrugged. "Don't ask me…I don't make the rules."
"Rules that you no doubt carefully researched before tonight, right?" snarked Angelina.
Hermione replied with a small smile, then turned towards the two witches who had not yet shared their stories.
Susan bit her lower lip, then looked down at the bed linens.
"Hermione…you really don't have a thing to worry about from Lisa and me," she whispered. "We didn't do anything with him…didn't even know that Harry was watching."
"Watching you do what?" asked Daphne.
Susan gulped, then reached for Lisa's hand.
"Doing something to each other that could practically get us dumped in Azkaban."
"What do you mean?" asked Hermione.
"Oh, honestly, Granger," snorted Daphne. "Lisa and Susan are both pureblood witches."
"So?"
"So society expects that they'll marry pureblood wizards, and make pureblood babies…instead of being witch's witches, and munching on each other's carpets."
"Oh."
Hermione turned towards Lisa and Susan, and knew the truth of the situation just from their downcast expressions.
"It's going to be horrible," Susan whispered. "My Auntie could lose her job if word gets out."
"Should have thought of that before you two tickled and tongued, eh?" asked Daphne.
"Hush," Hermione admonished.
A lull in the discussion allowed the bushy-haired witch to focus her thoughts, and to come up with a potential work-around.
"Right then…I think that we can deal with this," she declared.
"How?" asked Susan.
Hermione looked at the two lovers with a critical eye.
"Are you sure that you two don't want to steal my boyfriend?"
"Yes, of course."
"Are you sure that you two aren't going to perv on my boyfriend?"
"What do you mean?" asked Susan. "He saw us naked…neither of us saw him the same way?"
Hermione bit her lip, wondering what might happen if that situation were rectified. But she knew Harry would be devastated if what he'd accidentally spied caused trouble for Susan and Lisa…or for Susan's aunt. And she also thought that she could trust Susan and Lisa.
Not that there wasn't merit in the phrase, "Trust, but verify." Or that there wasn't nervousness all around, for that matter, when the meeting broke up and there were only two left in bed.
oo00OO00oo
There wasn't all that much difference between fantasy and reality when Dobby dropped two naked witches into Harry Potter's bed…which is what Hermione had not only expected, but planned upon.
The Boy-Who-Was-Masturbating let out a manly shriek as he clamped his legs together and covered his erection with the hand that hadn't been tugging on it.
"Thinking of me, sweetheart?"
"Erm..."
"Can I assume that you silenced your bed curtains, Harry?"
"Hermione?" he rasped. "What the hell?"
"Wow…I'm impressed," said the other witch. "A bit disappointed, though, Hermione…thought that you would have tired that big boy out back in the Room of Requirement."
"Susan?" Harry asked incredulously.
"You have to ask, Harry?" she teased. "Don't recognize me dressed…or undressed this way?"
"Not wearing my glasses," Harry muttered, trying to pull his bed linens up high enough to cover his exposed crotch. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on perspective), Susan was sitting on them.
"So, Harry…thinking of me, I hope?" asked Hermione.
"Erm, yeah…obviously," he said. "So what are you doing here?"
"You mean you don't want to be in bed with your naked girlfriend?"
"Well…but…Susan?"
"You don't want me to share, then?" Hermione pouted.
"Share…wha…is this some kind of boyfriend test?" Harry demanded.
Hermione giggled, then leaned forward until her face was fully resolved within the dim light and Harry's near-sightedness. She then leaned forward a little more, until her breasts touched his chest and her lips were within kissing range of his lips.
She kissed those lips, then forced them open with her tongue. Harry was too dumbfounded to resist (not that he would have resisted any stronger if his mind had been clearer).
They snogged until Hermione decided that she'd teased her boyfriend long enough. So she slipped down along Harry's side, and while Susan watched from the front corner of the bed, whispered an explanation into his ear.
"Susan and Lisa could get into big trouble if anyone else finds out that they're lesbian lovers," she said. "We're afraid that Snape is going spill the beans, based on what he saw in your head, so we've decided to create some reasonable doubt."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean…tomorrow morning Susan is going to march into breakfast holding her boyfriend's hand."
"Boyfriend? Who?"
"Why you, silly," Hermione teased, as she nipped his earlobe with her teeth.
"Me? But what about you? What about Lisa?"
"We'll be right behind you two, along with your other Dreamgirls."
"So…so Susan is going to pretend to be my girlfriend?"
"That's right…at least until we permanently deal with Snape."
"But…if Snape says otherwise…and it's my word against his?"
"Ah, yes…that's where we'll need your help."
"What do you mean?"
"Do you think that Dumbledore can scan surface thoughts and memories as easily as Snape can?"
"Probably."
"So tomorrow, if Snape claims that Susan is a lesbian in front of you and Dumbledore, you are not only going to claim otherwise…you're going to think otherwise."
"What….how am I going to do that?"
"By remembering how Susan is going to sleep naked in your bed tonight, Harry."
"Erm….wha…..?"
"Susan is going to spend the night in your arms," Hermione explained. "And she is going to wake up naked in your bed tomorrow morning. And then she'll cover herself with a sheet, and be 'accidentally' caught by one of your roommates when she leaves your bed in order to use the loo."
"She is?" Harry squeeked. "Why?"
"Independent lines of evidence," Hermione replied. "If Dumbledore sees your thoughts about Susan staying here with you, and just happens to drop into Ron's or Neville's heads as they remember what they'll see tomorrow morning…."
"Brilliant," Harry hissed. "Scary, but brilliant."
"We thought so," Hermione replied brightly.
"And you're really okay with that?" Harry asked. "And Susan….you're okay with that…and Lisa knows about this?"
The Fifth-Year Hufflepuff giggled as she stretched out on Harry's other side, and brought her face into his clear field of vision.
"Yes, yes, and yes," she replied. "It was Hermione's idea, after all…and Lisa helped flesh it out."
"So to speak," Harry snarked.
Both witches replied with endearing giggles.
"But…you're just going to allow your boyfriend to sleep with another girl?"
"Yes, Harry…I trust you, and Susan trusts you…and Lisa trusts you."
"Don't know that I trust myself sharing a bed with somebody so beautiful…and naked…"
"No worries," Hermione said brightly. "I'll be right here the whole time."
"Really?" asked Harry. "You're staying too?"
"Yes."
"But…won't that kind of muddle up the idea that Susan is my girlfriend and that I'm only sleeping with her?"
"Not if you focus on what you see, Harry."
"So how do you expect me not to keep my eyes my incredibly sexy girlfriend's body?"
"Oh, Harry, you're so sweet," Hermione cooed. She gave him the kiss that the comment had earned him, then cracked open his bed curtains and borrowed his wand.
It was surprisingly (or not so surprisingly) compatible.
"Accio Invisibility Cloak!"
oo00OO00oo
It wasn't worth Hermione losing a full night's sleep, given all of the trust, so rather than sit up and invisible in the front corner of the bed, she stretched alongside the far side of the bed. Susan, with a bit of prodding and encouragement, cuddled against Harry's other side.
So there he was, flat on his back, with an invisible real girlfriend on one side, and a visible fantasy girlfriend on the other. His erection, which had never really gone away during their talk, had no intentions of leaving once Hermione gently pushed Harry's neck against Susan's face, and pulled Susan's leg over Harry's leg. And this didn't go unnoticed.
"Susan!" Harry hissed.
"What?"
"What are you doing?"
The Hufflepuff giggled.
"I'm doing nothing, Harry…see? Here's my hands."
"Oh, right…Hermione!"
"Sssh," replied his girlfriend. "And Susan…get your hands out of his eyesight."
"Whaaa….why?"
"Stop talking, Harry….stop thinking…and start looking and feeling."
"What do you…."
"Sssshhh…focus on Susan's face," instructed Hermione. "She can't see what's going on down here…and you couldn't see whose hand is doing what even if that hand wasn't covered by your cloak."
"So you're going to…while Susan is…."
"While Susan is pretending to be your girlfriend I'm going to…stimulate…the intensity of this memory."
"Erm, if that's what you want to call it…"
"Is that a complaint?"
"Erm…"
"Didn't think so."
Harry couldn't believe what was happening was actually happening. Or what was seemingly happening, but wasn't really happening exactly how he saw it. Or apparently was going to remember it. But given circumstances, was he going to complain?
Would any wizard complain, in similar circumstances?
Susan's face was too beautiful, and Hermione's invisible hand too skilled, for him to remember that Colin Creevy might have been the exception that proved the rule.