Unofficial Portkey Archive

The Python Defense
A bawdy and slightly disturbing H/Hr crack fic by canoncansodoff

A/N: Spam, spam, spam, spam....Crack, crack, crack, crack...Although, the fact that I've rewritten the opening section of this chapter three different times might mean that I'm taking this story far too seriously for my own good. Also, this was the chapter that spawned "Gamp's Finest Blend of Pretend." This version of Hermione's basement is a bit different, and I've ignored Gamp's law to keep the plot line of this fic (such that it is) moving forward.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.

oo00OO00oo

Chapter 9: Home, Sweet Home

Harry needed a firm clamp of his thigh to keep him in his chair that evening, and to remind him that a proper fake boyfriend wouldn't leave his fake girlfriend behind in the library just because his real girlfriend and his fake girlfriend's real girlfriend had gathered their things and announced that they were calling it a night.

Harry also needed a firm elbow in his ribs to silently remind him that a proper fake boyfriend doesn't ogle his real girlfriend's cracking arse as she walks away from him...at least not as long as he is sitting next to his fake girlfriend.

"Hey!" Susan hissed.

The Boy-Who-Lived snorted, then turned and gave the pig-tailed witch his best attempt at an apologetic look.

"Sorry."

"Ssshhhussh!"

Harry rolled his eyes, and scribbled a question down on a piece of parchment. Susan looked at the passed note, then scribbled a response. He read the response and nodded.

Ten minutes later, Susan began to gather her things into her book bag. This time Harry got it right, and followed her lead under the watchful eye of the school librarian and a gaggle of doe-eyed girls.

A look over his shoulder as they left the library caused Harry to roll his eyes.

"How many following us this time?" asked Susan.

"Just two."

The red-haired Hufflepuff glanced back towards the young witches whose robes were trimmed in green and silver. Then she leaned towards Harry and whispered, "They could be just heading back to their dorm?"

Harry sighed. "Or they could be Snape's little spies."

Susan smiled and squeezed his hand. "Shall we put on a little show, then? I know a broom closet that's big enough for four."

Her fake boyfriend chuckled, and shook his head.

"Nothing wrong with me walking my girl back to her dormitory, right?"

"Of course not."

They continued walking at a measured pace, with the two witches trailing ten feet behind.

"This is nice," Susan noted. "Almost like it's just the two of us."

"What...didn't care for the coconuts?"

"Wouldn't matter if I did, given the latest Educational Decree," Susan snarked. "I still can't believe that Umbridge banned galloping in the hallways."

"Well I'm just disappointed that McGonagall didn't need a Decree to demand that we switch out of our costumes before classes began this morning."

"You mean you liked being king?"

"Not as much as I liked watching my harem walk around in their silky gowns," Harry joked.

The two young witches who trailing behind the couple giggled, and called out, "Harem! Harem! Harem!"

Incredulous disbelief showed on Harry's face as he stopped in his tracks and spun around.

"What was that?" he demanded.

The Slytherins looked at each other, giggled a bit more, than chanted, "Harem! Harem! Harem!"

"Yeah, okay...I know that's what you said," Harry flustered. "But..."

"How old are you two?" Susan asked.

"We're first years," one of the girls replied.

The older witch chuckled. "Aren't you two a little young to be applying for membership in Harry's Harem?"

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

"Right...stop that!" Harry demanded.

"Don't want to," the slightly taller witch replied.

"Yeah, they are paying out a sickle each time we do it," the other added.

"Who...who is paying you to do what?"

"Your Chaser teammates...they are paying us to follow you around and chant whenever you or someone that you're with says the word 'harem'," the first witch explained.

This prompted the other girl to call out "Harem! Harem! Harem!"

Her friend frowned, and shook her head. "Margaret...I don't think it counts if we say it first."

"Oh."

Harry sighed. "I can't believe that those three would...I mean, paying Slytherins? Who would have expected that?"

Susan giggled. "Harry...you should know by now that nobody expects The Spanish Inquisition."

Her faux boyfriend paused for the jarring chord of music that someone had magically keyed to that phrase. He was actually disappointed that three witches dressed in cardinal's robes didn't subsequently appear...it would have given him a chance to throttle the Chasers for their cheek.

"So, whenever you two are ready?" asked one of the Slytherins.

The raven-haired wizard stared at the young witches and swore under his breath.

"Language!" Susan chided brightly.

"Yes, Dear," Harry snarked. He stared a bit more at their shadows, then shook his head, took Susan's hand, and turned away from the Slytherins.

"Shall we, then?" he asked.

Susan smiled and nodded. "We shall."

They remainder of their journey down to Susan's dormitory was completed in silence...so long as you didn't count Harry's huffing and puffing, or the odd giggle or two. Mindful of their audience (and still wary of their audience's intentions), Harry pulled up just short of the entrance to Hufflepuff House and pulled Susan into a hug.

"Good night, sweetheart," he said, placing a chaste kiss on her cheek.

Susan giggled, and looked over Harry's shoulders towards the two Ickle Firsties.

"Would you like to come in for a bit?" she asked.

"You're inviting me inside...inside your dormitory?" asked Harry.

"Well, it's only fair for me to return the favor after I visited yours," Susan whispered.

"Funny, I don't remember me offering an invitation to pop into my bed."

"Is that a complaint?"

Her fake boyfriend was about to snap back a perfunctory "Hell, no!" when he realized that that might not be a "good boyfriend" kind of response. He hoped that an enigmatic smile would serve as both a safe and sufficient response.

Susan took the smile as an acceptance to her invitation and turned towards the still life painting that guarded the dormitory entrance. A large colorful bouquet of flowers filled the canvas (in contrast to the fruit bowl in front of the kitchens). When she placed her hand against the center of a yellow sunflower its petals contracted around it (Harry couldn't tell whether it was her hand that partially disappeared into the painting, or the petals that magically lifted off the canvas and enveloped her hand). Either way, the painting recognized Susan's right to gain access and swung free from the entrance (once the petals freed her hand).

"Would I get my fingers back if I tried that trick?" asked Harry.

Susan waggled her eyebrows as she grabbed his hand and led him through the barrel-shaped threshold. "Please don't try...I'm rather fond of your fingers."

Harry took one last look back at the young Slytherin witches, smiled, and whispered, "Harem."

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

"Why did you do that?" Susan asked, as she closed the door.

"Because it cost those three troublemakers another sickle," Harry replied. "Maybe if I say harem enough times they'll run out of money?"

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

Susan and Harry rolled their eyes as they turned around and traced the new source of this old chant back to the smiling face of a witch sitting by the fire.

"Oh, Merlin," Susan whined. "Are the Gryffs paying you too?"

Megan Jones shook her head. "No, I'm just offering some encouragement."

"Why" asked Harry.

"Because I'd like to apply for a position in the harem."

"What kind of position?"

"Oh, your choice, Sweetheart...missionary, doggy-style, reverse cowgirl..."

"Back off, Megan...he's mine!" Susan snapped.

The Fifth-Year witch chuckled and shook her head a bit dismissively. "Of course he is, Dear."

Susan scowled as she dragged Harry through the loose arrangements of comfortable armchairs, towards one of two perfectly round tunnel entrances that had been chiseled into the wall opposite the fireplace.

"Need any help getting your door closed, Susan?" asked Megan.

"Thanks but no thanks," the pig-tailed witch replied tersely.

Harry was himself worried about closed doors, and what might happen if he tried to follow Susan into what he assumed was the Hufflepuff girls' dormitory. But he also assumed that she knew what she was doing, and was therefore only mildly surprised when klaxons weren't triggered and he wasn't spat back into the Common Room when he followed Susan across the threshold.

The long narrow tunnel was tall enough for Harry to walk through without crouching, but round enough to keep them from walking side-by-side. Susan took the lead out of necessity...not that Harry minded all that much, given the pleasant sway in his pretend girlfriend's gait. He only felt a little guilty about the ogling, though...he did have a role to play, right?

Torches cast out a warm light from wall-mounted sconces set at regular intervals down the length of the tunnel. Facing side tunnels branched out every ten feet or so, leading to sleep quarters that were only big enough to accommodate one or two people...which, given the large number of branching tunnels, made sense.

Once glance down a side tunnel and into a bedroom offered up a revealing view of a Sixth-Year witch, who smiled back at Harry, and didn't seem to much mind the fact that he'd caught her in just her bra and knickers.

"Eyes forward, Harry," Susan whined.

"Yes, Dear...sorry, Dear," he snarked. "You sure this is okay...me being here?"

"You mean you being in Hufflepuff House, or you being in the girls' dormitory?"

"Either."

"You're a trustworthy kind of guy...right Harry?"

"Erm yeah, I guess...but that doesn't mean I can visit the girls dormitory in my house."

Susan looked back and rolled her eyes. "Is that so?"

"Erm...well...at least the stairs are charmed to keep boys out."

"But not the other way, huh?"

Harry shrugged. "Don't ask me."

Susan nodded as she acknowledged a Third Year Hufflepuff witch and a Third Year Ravenclaw wizard who were sitting on the tunnel floor as they chatted, then apologized as she stepped over their outstretched legs.

"There, see? You're not the only one here," she noted.

"Yeah, but are you the only one for Harry?" the younger witch snarked.

"Hush!" Susan scolded. "Here we are," she then added, leading Harry down one of the side tunnels.

The raven-haired wizard needed to duck his head to clear the smallish entrance at the end of this short tunnel, and to enter a room that contained two four-poster beds. It was obviously a girl's room, based on the quantity of chintz and pastel colors.

"Home, sweet home," said Susan.

Harry nodded as he took a closer look at the furnishings and decor.

"That's your bed, then?" he asked.

"What makes you think that, sweetheart?"

"Erm...maybe it's that poster of me surviving the Second Task hanging next to it?"

Susan smiled as she led Harry by hand towards that bed and patted the duvet.

"Can you blame me?" she asked brightly.

Harry sighed as he examined the magically animated image more closely.

"No, actually...think it's Colin that I need to blame for that one."

"How did you know he took that photograph?"

"Because he's got the same bloody poster hanging above his bed?"

Susan chuckled and pointed towards the image of Harry helping Ron out of the water. "Can you blame him?" she asked. "That was a rather snug fitting swim costume, and with the thing you'd miss most being a boy...rather than a girl..."

"Hey, I didn't have any say over that," Harry complained. "Bloody Headmaster."

"There, there...I'm just teasing. Nobody's doubting your sexual preferences these days, given the size of your... entourage..."

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

"Oh, bollocks!" Susan hissed. She jumped off of the bed, strode towards the opened doorway and shouted, "I didn't even say Ha...that word."

"No, but you were thinking it," a female voice called back.

Harry tried to change the subject.

"So...nice room...Hannah is your roommie?"

"Yeah," Susan replied. "Got lucky there...Megan can be such a cu...I mean Unpuff... sometimes.

"Megan Jones?" asked Harry. "So what was she talking about back in your Common Room?"

"You mean about help with the door?"

"No...about being a reverse cowgirl," Harry teased.

Susan shook her head dismissively as she walked towards her chest of drawers and opened the top one. "And I should know?"

"Fair enough...so what about closed doors?"

The Fifth-Year witch looked back over her shoulder towards the opened entrance to her room. Then she smiled, and kicked off her shoes.

"It's one of the hard and fast rules that we do have in the house," she explained. "Can't have the door closed if you have a boy visiting you without somebody else in the room."

"Oh, well that makes...sense," Harry replied, distracted by his fake girlfriend as she bent down and grabbed the hem of her robes.

"So what are you doing?" he asked.

"Changing," Susan replied slyly, as she gathered her robes and lifted them towards her waist.

Harry's breath caught as the pretty Hufflepuff's thick black tights were exposed, his mind drifting back to the previous day's tour of a broom closet.

"Should I...want me to step out?" he squeaked.

"Why?" Susan asked, taking hold of the elastic waist of her tights. "It's nothing you haven't already seen."

"Erm...not really...it was kind of dark..."

"Even when we were dragged out into the hallway by Hannah and Ernie?"

An even bigger breath of air caught in Harry's lungs as Susan matter-of-factly pulled down her tights and stepped out of them. The hem of her robes had dropped along with her hands...but not fast enough to keep Harry from seeing a whole lot of pale white flesh.

"But that was an accident..." he muttered.

"Yeah, an accident caused by the only two people who might otherwise have a right to complain," Susan huffed, throwing the tights into a dirty clothes bin. "But relax," she added, "I change under my robes like this all the time."

"Really?"

"Well...whenever the door has to stay open."

"So...you've had other boys in here?"

"Why wouldn't I have?"

"Because you're a...erm..."

"Because I'm a Puff, and Puffs are friendly and convivial?" Susan asked a bit sharply.

"Erm...right, exactly. You're very convivial," said Harry.

"And so are you, boyfriend," Susan replied. "How could you not be, given the size of your..."

"Don't even think it!" Harry hissed.

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

"Oops, too late," quipped Susan.

Harry watched with more than passing interest as his pretend girlfriend rummaged through her chest of drawers.

"Ah...here we go," she announced brightly, as she pulled out a pair of lacy green knickers. She stretched them out in front of her waist and spun to face Harry.

"What do you think, Loverboy...they match your eyes?"

"They do?"

"Oh, yes," Susan purred.

"Well they're....they're very nice."

"Good," Susan replied, as she sat down on the bed next to Harry.

He quickly averted his eyes as as she leaned forward, stepped into the knickers, and shimmied them up her thighs and over her hips.

"Oh, Sweet Merlin!" he hissed.

"What?"

"I'm...I'm assuming that you just didn't slip one pair of knickers over another?"

"Why would I do that, you silly boy?"

"Then you weren't wearing knickers today?"

Susan giggled. "I don't like panty lines very much...do you?"

"Erm..."

Harry was saved from answering (and saved from additional embarrassment) when Hannah walked into the room.

Or so he thought.

"Hey, Susan...oh, hi Harry."

"Oh, hi Hannah...great, you're just in time."

"Just in time for what?" Harry whispered.

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

"It wasn't me thinking that this time!" Susan proclaimed. "Do close the door, would you Han? That chant is getting tiresome."

The blonde-haired witch laughed as she pushed the door shut. "And you don't think I've been offered a sickle per chant as well?"

"No, I think that you're too good of a friend to tease me that way. That, or else my boyfriend might be a dear and offer you two sickles each time that you don't," Susan replied, as she unfastened her robes and let them drop to the floor.

The latter action kept Harry from forming a snarky comeback to the former statement.

Susan acted as if it were the most natural thing in the world for her to slip off her blouse in his presence, and to then sip her bra straps off of her shoulders.

"Unhook me?" she asked.

"Erm...you really need my help?" asked Harry.

"You really want to question my need?" Susan replied.

"Good point," Harry replied, as he reached up and unfastened the two bra hooks.

"Thanks, hon," Susan replied, as she slouched forward and slipped off her bra.

Harry had no problems acting as if he was excited by Susan standing there dressed only in her knickers. Because he was....he was a very good pretend boyfriend. Yeah. Pretend excitement. That was it.

Susan couldn't help but turn towards Harry when she saw Hannah's eyes go wide. She couldn't help but giggle as she watched Harry try to hide the evidence of his excitement with a well-placed throw pillow. That giggling created some bare-breasted jiggling, which couldn't help but to make the "problem" even more pronounced.

"Oh, geez...get a room, you two," Hannah snarked.

"We did," Susan quipped. "But then you showed up." Taking pity on Harry, she turned away from him and quickly slipped on a pair of gray sweatpants and a very familiar crimson-colored shirt.

"Hey, is that...?" asked Hannah.

"Yeah, Harry is such a sweetie, letting me sleep in his quidditch jersey," said Susan, as she spun around and showed her roommate the name and number embroidered on the back.

"Very nice," Hannah said with a sigh. She cast a Tempus spell, then asked, "You two going to..."

"Not as far as you know," Susan replied.

"Erm, right...time for he to head back to the Tower," Harry announced.

"Oh, you don't have to leave," said Hannah. "I can change under my robes and hide behind my bed curtains just as easily as..."

"Just as easily as I do when Ernie is visiting?" asked Susan.

The question got the intended flushed cheeks reaction.

Harry's mind was about to explode, given where he was and what he'd seen and heard. He really needed to find someplace safe...someplace where the odds of Hermione not kicking his arse weren't quite so close to certainty.

"No that's okay. I really do need to head back to my dorm," he stated.

Susan slipped on a pair of slippers and said, "I'll walk you out, then."

Harry bid Hannah good night as his fake girlfriend led him by the hand back out into the hallway. He, in turn, pulled Susan into the first unoccupied side tunnel and cast an area-based silencing charm.

"How did you get my jersey?" he asked.

"Hermione gave it to me."

"How did she get...never mind. Why is she letting you wear it?"

"She said that she now had something better to wear when she goes to bed."

"What's that?"

"A smile."

"Oh. Well....I guess that's okay..."

"I would think so," Susan teased. "Look, you know what we're trying to do here...and if your girl clears it in advance..."

"What about your's?"

"My what?"

"Your girl."

"Oh. Well...our girls are together right now scheming, so it's got to be okay, right?"

"But you don't know for sure."

"Well...not that safe for the two of us to be seen together, given...you know..."

"Why not? I'm sure Air Dobby can drop you naked into her bed just as easily as he does mine."

"Just so we can get caught by Cho or Marietta?" Susan asked. She shook her head and added, "Lisa says those two have been snooping around her dormitory room big time ever since your lesson with Snape. Wouldn't at all be surprised if they were told about what he saw."

"Great," Harry sighed. "Just the same, I would like the four of us to talk things through."

"Me too," agreed Susan. "Say...they're in the Room of Requirement right now with the rest of the..."

It was only the strength of Harry's silencing spell that kept the Chasers from shelling out another sickle.

"Thought she was just setting the Twins up for another movie night?" asked Harry.

Susan shook her head. "No, she said she was going to show Life of Brian tonight, and figured that she'd have to stick around to explain all of the cultural and religious references."

Harry chuckled. "You mean that cheesemakers aren't just as blessed in the Wizarding World?"

Susan shook her head. "I imagine that would be funnier if I were Muggleborn?"

"Right...I see what you mean."

"So what do you think...I could meet you there in a few minutes?"

"I've got my cloak with me," Harry countered. "We could just sneak out together?"

"No...you need to be seen leaving the dormitory alone. And there's a ward that keeps track of us House members as we enter or leave, so I better get Dobby's help once I'm behind my bed curtains."

Harry thought for a moment, then shook his head. "Might be more convincing if you do slip out alone under my cloak. Dumbledore and Snape both know about it, and might figure we'd be using it inappropriately."

Susan giggled. "What's so inappropriate for a boyfriend and girlfriend wanting some alone time?"

"Exactly," Harry replied brightly, as he reached into his bag and handed over his Hallow. Susan held the ephemerally shimmering garment in her hand, then looked down at her present attire. Lacking pockets, she figured the safest thing to do would be to slip it down the front of her pants.

"Hey," Harry glibly chided. "Shouldn't I by rights at least have a hand inside that cloak when it gets inside your knickers?"

"Hush!" Susan replied, lightly smacking him in the shoulder. "Now lets get out to the common room, where I can give my boyfriend a proper good night kiss."

"Wouldn't want it to be improper, would we?"

Susan rolled her eyes. "Only if Megan is in the audience."

"Why her?"

"Don't think she's quite convinced about our relationship," Susan explained.

"Oh, yeah...even I picked up on that when we came in," said Harry. He let out a faux sigh and added, "Well, it's for a good cause, right?"

"So, is protecting a secret all you get out my kisses, Mr. Potter?"

"Gah...how am I supposed to answer that without either you, Lisa or Hermione hurling a Reducto towards my bits?"

Susan laughed and shook her head. "You are a very good actor, Harry...and Hermione is a very lucky witch."

"Well, you are a very good actress, Susan...and Lisa is a very lucky witch."

"Right, so now that we've clarified those points?"

"You know, this isn't really fair," Harry observed

"How is that?"

"Well if Megan is out there, and we need to convince her with a really steamy snog...much easier for me to pretend you're Hermione than for you to imagine me as your girlfriend."

"Because?"

"Because you've got the same bits as Hermione," said Harry. He snorted, then added, "More or less."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that last part," said Susan. "As for the rest...well, I haven't had problems playing this role so far."

"Even when I hold you close, and our chests mash together, and I...I react?"

Susan smiled. "It's your lips, Harry...I focus on your lips. They're just as soft as Lisa's. And as for the difference in bits...well, let's just say that one of us is far more likely to reach for the strap-on."

"Say no more!"

"Is that another Python line?"

"Yes, but no...really...please don't say any more...it's making it hard for me keep a lid on...well, getting hard."

Susan waggled her eyebrows as her eyes drifted south.

"Is that a leftover codpiece from this morning's march, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Minx!"

"Is that a complaint?"

"I'll let you know after we have that chat with our girlfriends."

"No worries," Susan replied. "All part of the role...you'd still have a semi if it'd been Hermione who'd flashed her titties in your face a few minutes ago, right?"

Harry chuckled, and nodded towards Susan's chest. "Erm...right. Just like your nipples would still be this hard if it'd been Lisa who'd been perving on you a few minutes ago?"

Susan sighed. "And now that we've got those points clarified..."

"Your points look more perky than clarified to me..."

"Harry?"

"Right...time for my dramatic exit," he declared. "I'll even lead you onto the stage so that you get equal time."

"Equal time doing what?"

"Admiring the view."

"Does that mean that you were admiring the view when you were walking behind me?"

"Erm...a boyfriend would be expected to admire that kind of view, right?"

Susan giggled. "Yes, that's right. How could I forget?"

Harry let the question go unanswered as he cancelled the silencing spell and stepped into the hallway.

Megan Jones was still in the Common Room, prompting the two to put on a very convincing performance in front of the threshold...the kind of snog so intense that Megan needed no further evidence of where Harry and Susan's relationship stood.

And the kind of snog that could cause a chorus of very small voices to chant out, "Harem, Harem, Harem," in the back of Susan's brain.

oo00OO00oo

That tiny chorus had gone silent by the time that Susan entered the Seventh Floor hallway under Harry's cloak of invisibility (and thankfully so, as far as she was concerned). She found him standing in front of the Room of Requirement, closely inspecting the portrait that hung on the side opposite. She smiled as she slipped off the cloak and suddenly appeared in his peripheral vision.

"Waiting for your girlfriend, Harry?"

He snorted. "If you think I was going to face our girlfriends alone..."

"What's to worry about?" Susan asked.

"Erm, right," Harry replied, noting that she was still wearing his tight-fitting Quidditch jersey. And nothing under it, from what he could tell.

She noticed where his eyes had drifted and smiled. "Still have roles to play on the other side, so long as the Twins are there...right?"

Harry shrugged. "Maybe. Those two are plenty smart and very perceptive when they choose to be."

"And what if your buddy Ron is there?"

"Then he'll be watching your chest far more than the movie, I'm afraid."

"Right...can't be helped," Susan declared. She turned towards the doorway and asked, "So she didn't hide it this time?"

"No, I think she did," Harry replied. "Didn't appear until I approached it."

"In case we wanted to catch a movie as well?"

"One way to find out," he replied. Grabbing Susan's hand, he opened the door and walked into what Hermione had really needed earlier that evening.

Harry was surprised by his real girlfriend's sense of interior design. It was a large room with Muggle decor and furnishings, wall-to-wall carpeting, and a relatively low ceiling. There was a ping pong table set up right in front of the them, close enough to block the Room's door from freely swinging inward. To their right, a large group of students were gathered in front of what appeared to be a Muggle entertainment system, laughing at the animated antics of Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner while they snacked on popcorn and fizzy drinks.

A dartboard and arcade-style stand-alone Pac-man game were standing against the far wall, on either side of a door-sized opening and a set of carpeted stairs that led upwards. A wet bar was set up on their left, complete with brass rails, bar stools, and hanging wine glasses. Hermione was standing behind the bar, pouring fruit into a blender as she chatted with Lisa Turpin. The two witches waved for Susan and Harry to join them.

Lisa stared at the Quidditch jersey for a moment, then shook her head and sighed.

"Hey, nice shirt."

"Thanks," Susan replied a bit nervously.

"What are you two doing here?" asked Hermione.

"Avoiding Hannah," Susan sighed.

"She catch you two in a broom closet again?" Lisa smirked.

Harry snorted. "No...she caught us in her dormitory, and was probably expecting us to act like it was a broom closet if we stayed there any longer." He then nodded towards the blender and asked, "What do you have going there?"

"I'm making a batch of virgin daiquiris."

"Do you have to be a virgin to drink one?" Harry teased.

"Oh, hush, you!" his girlfriend chided, as Susan and Harry pulled out bar stools on either side of Lisa's.

"Nice place, Hermione," Susan offered.

"Yeah, real comfy," Harry said with a grin. "Thought we were supposed to be doing research, though."

"We are."

"How?"

"By watching penguins on the telly," Hermione replied. "And don't complain, because it's all your fault."

"How is it my fault?

"You told the Twins about the Python Defense, and they wanted to watch the original source material."

Harry looked around at the Room's decor and asked, "So why aren't we in a movie theater right now?"

Hermione shrugged. "Because some of us aren't old enough to get into a theatre showing an M-rated movie?"

"So....?"

"So the Room recreated the spot where I got my first dose of Monty Python...the basement in my parent's house."

"Movie night at the Granger's?" Harry teased.

Hermione smiled. "Home, Sweet Home...Complete with a functional Muggle entertainment system and a rather complete video collection."

"Complete with bow-chicka bow wow movies, then?"

"Never you mind."

"How about your parents? Are they lurking around?"

"Let's assume that they're not," said Hermione. "Makes it easier for me to risk raiding Dad's liquor cabinet."

Susan shook her head and smiled. Taking a look back over her shoulder, she asked, "Not the entire DA, then?"

"No, just the entourage."

Alicia, Katie, and Angelina all glanced back towards the bar and gleefully shouted, "Harem! Harem! Harem!"

Harry chuckled. "Well, at least they didn't have to pay for that one."

"What?" asked Hermione.

"Tell you later," Harry replied. He nodded back towards the other side of the room and asked, "Thought you were doing the Hogwarts premiere of Life of Brian tonight?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "I gave up half-way through...it had gotten to the point where I was stopping the movie every ten seconds to explain to the purebloods why the rest of us were laughing."

Harry smiled, and nodded his head. "Only half-way, then?"

"Yeah, why?"

"So Ron didn't get the chance to cream his jeans when Judith goes Full Monty?"

"Full Monty?" asked Susan.

"Different film," Hermione stated. "And no, we didn't make it that far. Just as well, I think...with as snarky as the Chasers are acting they would have used the balcony scene as inspiration for tomorrow morning's breakfast costumes."

"And that would be a bad thing?" asked Lisa.

"Only if more than Harry was kitted out that way."

Harry rolled his eyes. "So I don't get to follow along and beg for the welease of Woderick?"

"Would you like to spur on the Chaser's imagination, Harry?"

"Don't think they need any spurring."

"Oh yes, please...spur me, Harry!" Katie shouted out.

"And spur me!" added Luna.

"And me!" said Angelina and Alicia.

"And then," all four declared in unison, "the oral..."

Hermione drowned out the predictable request by turning the blender up to its highest speed.

"So let's hear more about this Python Defense," said Susan. "I feel kind of bad, not knowing the nickname of my boyfriend's willie."

Harry sputtered, "The Python Defense isn't a defense of my…it's not….not like I've named it…."

"Not a bad nickname, actually," Hermione teased.

"No it isn't," agreed Susan. "Although, given his size, 'The Basilisk Defense' might be more appropriate."

"Susan!" Lisa hissed.

"What? I'm just saying…from an objective viewpoint…"

"And exactly how close was that viewing point, Susie?" Lisa asked.

"You should know, Lisa…you were in that broom closet with us."

"But it was too dark to see anything!"

"Not once you two popped out and Ernie pulled Harry and his basilisk out into the hall way."

"Is that a complaint?" Hermione teased.

"No…just an observation," Susan replied brightly. She then turned towards Lisa and quietly asked, "So what's all this concern about…you were in the closet with us, right? You and Hermione were teaming up on Harry and me, right?"

"Yes, but I wasn't there when Hermione and you teamed up on Harry the other night."

"Really, Lisa…I share a bed with another sexy witch, and all you are worried about is whether I was perving on Harry?"

The Ravenclaw witch glared at Susan for a moment, before replying with a fake throat clearing.

"Cough - Exception Sandwich - Cough"

Sue rolled her eyes. "That was a joke, Lisa…honest!"

"So was that nickname, I hope," Harry muttered.

"Oh, no…no joking about Mr. Basilisk," Hermione teased, choosing neither to comment nor dwell upon Susan's comment about sleeping with a sexy witch. Then she leaned forward and covered the Ravenclaw's hand with her own.

"Look, Lisa…everything went according to how we planned it the other night. I was there the whole time, and despite all these silly chants about...you-know-what...I'm not inclined to share. And I sure as hell wouldn't have shared on the night that my boyfriend finally got his head out of his own arse."

"And put his other head into yours?" teased Susan.

Harry chuckled. "No, Sue...we still haven't crossed Number Thirteen off of our list."

"Harry!" Hermione chided.

"What?"

"I didn't think you'd be the kind to kiss and tell!" Hermione gently chided.

"Says the girl who brought Sue into my bed for some show and tell?"

"Is that a complaint?"

"Hell, no."

"Good," Hermione replied.

oo00OO00oo

It was close enough to curfew to announce the end of cartoons once the compilation that had been playing finished out. As usual, they left in ones and twos, with Harry paying close attention to the Map as each group departed.

He asked Fred and George to wait closer to the end, so that they could chat for a bit.

"So, how did the inspiration go?"

"It was brilliant," Fred replied. "A bit of haggling for a few fake beards, and everybody can get the chance to throw stones at Snape."

"Think he'd stand still?"

"Fair point," said George. "That's the whole problem, given what we'd like to do."

"What would you like to do?" asked Harry.

"Besides start our own harem?" Fred joked.

His brother looked around. Lisa, Susan and Hermione were the only witches left in the room, so he took it upon himself to chant in falsetto.

"What?" he asked. "A sickle is a sickle."

"What were you two thinking about doing to Snape?" Hermione clarified.

"Drive him insane."

"Haven't you been trying to do that for the last several years?"

"Yeah, but....this time we'd do it right," George declared.

"How?"

Fred and George looked around the room, as if to make sure it was safe to conspire. They drew Hermione, Susan and Lisa into the conversation, then leaned forward and said, "You remember that experimental potion you nicked from us before Christmas, Hermione?"

"I remember several experimental potions that I confiscated from you two before hols."

"Right, well...remember the one that was supposed to act a bit like a liquid Imperious?"

"A bit like an Imperious?" Susan asked. "How can anything be just a bit like an Unforgivable?"

"The idea wasn't all that bad," Fred said defensively. "It only allowed for strong suggestions, and only then if the person really wanted to do what they were told to do."

Hermione nodded. "That one actually had potential, if it was limited to helping people break bad habits...like smoking, or nail biting, or..."

"Or chanting?" asked Susan.

"Absolutely."

"So why'd you nick it?" Lisa asked.

"Because they were experimenting on Firsties," Hermione replied. "Never mind the fact that it wasn't working."

"It was working," George protested. "Just not quite how we intended."

"Instead of doing what somebody else told you to do, the victim..."

"You mean patient, right brother?"

"Right...patient. So, the potion makes you do whatever it is you most like to do."

"Reinforces compulsive or habitual behaviors?" asked Lisa.

"Right in one," Hermione replied. "So instead of helping somebody stop their nail biting, it just makes the nail biting worse."

"And this was going to play into our revenge how, exactly?" asked Harry.

"What do you think Snape's most compulsive behavior might be?" asked Fred.

"You're hoping that he'd wank himself to death?"

"No that's why we kept Ron away from the potion," George snarked. "We're thinking that Snape is a habitual mental eavesdropper."

"Makes sense," said Susan. "So this potion would compel a habitual mental invader to read people's mind?"

"That's right."

"So all we'd need to do is park in front of Umbridge? Wallowing inside her head would certainly drive me over the edge."

"Yeah, but you're normal," said Fred. "Aside from the Boy-Who-Lived, basilisk-slaying, Dark Lord-defeating harem building parts."

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

Harry glared at George. "You know, if that last bit was all that I was known for...I think that I could live with it."

"Assuming that your girlfriend didn't murder you for the trying," Hermione said sweetly.

"Erm yeah....assuming that SUSAN doesn't hex me," Harry replied, just as sweetly. Then he turned back to the Twins and said, "So the problem would be figuring out who'd be able to drive Snape insane?"

"Oh, no...you've proven that just about any of us could turn him off with the right real or false memory," said Fred. "The problem is the fact that whoever is feeding up Snape's mind candy would be forced to experience it right along side him."

Harry thought back to some of the false memories that he'd laid down as traps for Snape and was forced to agree. He probably couldn't stand to watch loops of Trelawny rubbing off on her crystal ball any more than the greasy-haired git could.

"So, we'd need to find somebody with a stronger stomach than Snape," Harry mused.

"Or maybe...maybe somebody with no stomach at all?" Hermione whispered.

"What?" asked George.

Hermione gazed off in the distance for a moment, then shook her head. "Let me sleep on it."

"Okay," said Fred. "So then, there's one more movie to watch?"

"Yeah, Meaning of Life," said Hermione. "That should be easier for everyone to understand without me constantly stopping to explain."

"Hello, we've come for your liver?" asked Harry.

"Exactly," Hermione replied. She glanced back towards the Marauder's Map, then looked at her watch and nodded.

"Right then, you two are off," she told Fred and George.

George grinned. "So you four will turn off the lights, then?"

"Before or after the snogging?" his brother asked.

"Out!" Hermione ordered.

The Weasley Twins snapped off crisp salutes, and made their exit. Hermione closed the door, then rolled her eyes at Harry. Then they heard some giggling on the other side of the room, which gave her more reason to roll her eyes. Lisa and Susan had drifted back towards the couch, and were acting as if they didn't have to act any more.

"Geesh, get a room, you two!" Harry teased the snogging couple.

Susan looked up from her neck nuzzling and smiled.

"Why, what a good idea!" she declared. She looked around the room and asked, "So Hermione, if this is the basement to your house, does that mean there's an upstairs with some empty bedrooms?"

"No stairs, so no upstairs," Hermione stated.

Lisa chuckled as dropped down onto a comfy chair and pulled Susan onto her lap. "Guess we'll just have to share this room, then? Unless you two wanted to pop off to someplace more private?"

"And just what would you be doing with my girlfriend if we did?" Harry teased.

The Ravenclaw witch wrapped her arms around Susan's waist and said, "Probably the same thing that you'd be doing with yours."

Hermione snorted and leaned closer to Harry's ear.

"Have they got the right bits for that?" she whispered.

Harry let out a deep belly laugh. "Do you really want to know?"

His bushy-haired girlfriend looked at him cross-eyed and slugged his arm. "Maybe I really want to know how you know the answer to that question."

"Enough with the flirty banter and love taps," Susan called out. Then she nodded towards the cabinets above the television and asked, "So where are these bow-chica pow wow movies that I've heard so much about?"

"Yeah," Harry said with a laugh. "We want to watch a brown chicken bow wow movie!"

Hermione glared back a response.

"Erm...you did say that you know where they might be stashed?"

"She should," Susan stated. "How else would she have been able to watch them by herself?"

"Seriously?" asked Harry. "Well, well, well....when did you share this bit of information with my pretend girlfriend?"

"Keep it stuffed in your pants, Potter."

"Yes, dear."

"So?" asked Susan.

"You two really want to watch porn?" Hermione asked the girls. "Like I told Susan...they were all het-orientated. Male heterosexual-oriented, to be specific, and the girl-girl scenes were shot to get that target audience off."

"Hermione?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"This is the Room of Requirement, right?"

"Yes?"

"The same room that was smart enough to provide what we really needed the other night?"

"So you think...."

"I think that if you really needed the kind of porn that Lisa and Susan might enjoy that the Room might be able to conjure it up."

Hermione chewed on her lower lip as she considered the possibility. Then she shrugged and asked, "Do you have that knife Sirius gave you for Christmas?"

Harry nodded and fished it out of his pocket. Hermione used the knife to open a nominally locked cabinet above the television set. The VHS display boxes stacked up behind the cabinet doors had titles that were definitely new to her.

"Sort Me Sappho?" she asked incredulously, as she read off the spines. "The Coven of Prefects?...Professor Sinistra's Seraglio?"

"That second title sounds dodgy," Lisa opined. "But the last one has to be a winner!"

"The Arithmancy professor is a witch's witch?" Harry asked.

"If only!" Lisa purred.

"Hey! I'm right here, sitting on your lap, you know," Susan pouted.

"Don't tell me you haven't had thoughts about her solving your equations!"

"What's a seraglio?" asked Harry.

Hermione looked back towards Harry and rolled her eyes. In a rather cartoonish voice she replied, "Harem! Harem! Harem!"

"Careful, the Chasers might be getting to you," Harry teased.

"That will be the day," his girlfriend shot back, pulling the last title off of the shelf. She shook her head when she took a close look at the explicit cover.

"Yeah, this is definitely a Room of Requirement production," she decided. "Unless our Arithmancy professor is moolighting in the Muggle porn industry."

Susan jumped off of Lisa's lap and snatched the video case from Hermione's hand.

"Morgana's Nasty Knickers!" she hissed.

Lisa craned her neck for a glance at the plastic cover and snickered.

"Do you really think that thongs were around back in Morgana's time?"

"So pop it in the machine, already!" Harry chided.

Hermione shook her head as she started the tape playing. She grabbed her boyfriend by the hand and led him back towards the bar.

"What I really require the most right now is my boyfriend's complete and undivided attention," she explained. The she hopped up onto a bar stool, pushed Harry down to his knees in front of her (and with his back to the television screen), and hiked up her skirt.

"You didn't wear any knickers today either?" he asked with wide-eyed wonder.

"Your full attention, Harry," Hermione instructed.

Her boyfriend grinned widely as she lifted her legs onto his shoulders, and pulled him close by digging her heels into his back. He chose not to point out the fact that Hermione's attention could well be divided by her clear view of the both the lesbian movie and the lesbian couple that was coupling on the couch as they watched it. And while he was a little disappointed that he could only hear the movie's soundtrack (as well as the soundtrack linked to what Lisa and Susan were presently doing), he knew that he probably could convince Hermione to join him in their own private screening at a later date. And in the meantime...

Harry leaned forward, and dove into that warm, loving, and exciting place that he could easily consider his own home, sweet home.