Unofficial Portkey Archive

The Python Defense
A bawdy and slightly disturbing H/Hr crack fic by canoncansodoff

Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.

oo00OO00oo

Chapter 7: Skirmishes

Daphne Greengrass could barely hear the Twins above the sound of her own heavy breathing. She slowed down from her dead run, then rounded the corner of a third-floor hallway and came face-to-face-to-face with the red-haired leaders of the processional.

"Ambush," she wheezed, holding up her hand in warning.

Fred and George stopped, then stepped apart so that a semi-circle formed in front of the Slytherin witch.

"Who?" asked Harry.

"And where?" asked Hermione.

Ron scowled from farther back in the ranks and called out, "Why?"

"Does Malfoy really need a reason to ambush us?" asked George.

"No, I mean…why would we trust anything that slimy snake has to say?"

"Okay, fine Ron…your pig-headed short-sighted concerns are duly noted," Hermione snapped. The bushy-haired witch then turned towards Daphne and apologized.

"Sorry, our friend here is suffering from diarrhea of the mouth this morning."

"I'll second the apology," Harry added. He arched an eyebrow and asked, "Shall I introduce you, then?"

The Slytherin witch looked over Harry's shoulder at the group, paused, then shrugged.

"Now is as good a time as any."

Harry smiled, took a few steps forward, then turned back towards the group and wrapped an arm about Daphne's shoulders.

"This is Daphne Greengrass," he announced. "She's a Fifth-year Slytherin…and a friend of mine. Somebody who was put at risk by Snape's assault as much as any of my other Dreamgirls."

"Oooh, now there's a story I'd like to hear," said Parvati.

"Not now."

"Does that mean yes later?"

"No."

"So now you've got at least one girl from every house, Harry?" teased Katie.

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

Harry shook his head, and turned back to Daphne.

"Don't mind them…so where is Malfoy set up?"

"Marble stairs, landing in between the main entrance and first floor."

"Unusual choice," noted Fred. "Nowhere to hide and hex from the shadows."

"They don't think they need that today," said Daphne. "Going to be a verbal assault…they figure that the taunts will be hurtful enough."

"Hoping that we draw our wands in response?" Harry asked. "Let me guess…Snape will swoop down just at the right moment."

When Daphne nodded, Hermione sighed.

"Well at least some things never change."

Harry took a look back at their group…mostly DA, but not all, and more than a few younger ones in the back like Romilda Vane.

"This is an annoyance," he decided. "We know what he's going to say, and we've got it covered. Draco's not the main problem here. Not worth the fight."

"Think they'll let us past them without a fight?" asked George.

"Probably not," Harry decided. He thought about asking Dobby to help bypass the ambush, popping them by one at a time. He really didn't want to advertise his friend's newly revealed transport capabilities over something minor. But maybe Dobby could help diffuse the situation all on his own?"

"Fred….George…with me for a minute?"

"Sure thing, Harry."

The black-haired wizard caught Hermione's eye and nodded towards Daphne. She nodded, and invited the Slytherin witch to stand with them while they waited. A "Dreamgirl" button was offered, taken, and pocketed by with the promise that it'd be worn when it mattered.

Those in the group that focused on Harry and the Twins watched them walk half-way back up the hall. Words were exchanged, heads nodded and smiles formed. A house-elf was called. He arrived, exchanged words, then nodded his head vigorously and smiled. Then he popped away. He popped back a few moments later cradling a stack of wands in his arms. Fred picked one of these wands up, then smiled, nodded his head, and returned it to the pile.

Once the house elf popped away for a second time, Harry and the Twins walked back to the head of the line.

"Okay, I think we've got things taken care of," Harry announced. "If this plays out as advertised, I don't want anyone drawing wands unless I do."

"Can we at least have them drawn?" asked Ron.

"If you want to hold onto them in your pocket or up your sleeve, okay…but let's not give the bad guys reason to claim that we're the bad guys…right?"

Daphne frowned. "What have you got planned, Potter?"

"Oh, the usual," Harry grinned.

"That's what I'm worried about," snarked Hermione.

"You should stay behind, Daphne," Harry suggested. "Unless you're ready to publicly join my harem?"

"Harem!Harem!Harem!"

"Oh, stop it, you three," Harry whined. "It was just a joke."

"Harem!Harem!Harem!"

Dobby reappeared by Harry's side.

"All set, Mr. Harry Potter, Sir," he announced with a spiffy salute.

"That's great, Dobby," Harry replied. Then he squatted down and said something into the house-elf's ear. Dobby looked towards Daphne, smiled, and nodded his head.

Harry stood and leaned over to whispered into the Slytherin's ear.

"After we leave, Dobby will take you wherever you want to go…unless it's my bed or my shower."

Daphne smiled. "Oh, darn."

"And next time you need to do something like this, just call for Dobby…he'll get you here without you needing to break a sweat."

The pretty Slytherin thought about making a witty retort, but decided that there were enough wand-bearing witches eying her suspiciously.

"Thanks, Harry."

"No, thank you, Daphne."

When The-Boy-Who-Lived returned to Susan's side and took her hand, she squeezed his hand and teasingly asked, "Should I be jealous over you whispering into a very pretty witch's ear?"

Harry chuckled and shook his head. Once they got moving down the hallway again he squeezed back and quietly asked, "And should I be jealous over you thinking that Daphne is a very pretty witch?"

"Hush, you!"

"Yes, Dear."

oo00OO00oo

They were met on the stairway by Draco, his two goons, and his girlfriend.

"Oh, look, Pansy," the blonde-haired wizard noted. "It's the Gryffindor pervert himself."

Fred and George pointed towards each other and asked, "Who…Me?"

"No…Potter's the Perv," declared Pansy.

"Get out our way, Malfoy…breakfast is half over," Ron shouted.

"Hey Pervy Potter…think any of these girls could keep their breakfast down if they knew what you've seen or done?"

"I don't know, Draco…think they'd vomit if I told them about the time your mummy found you playing dress up with the family house elf?"

"What's so pervy about that?" asked Fred.

"They were borrowing from his mum's collection of unmentionables."

"Liar!" Draco shouted. "You're just trying to change the sub…what are you doing holding hands with the Huffledyke?"

"Mind your tongue, Draco!" Harry hissed. "Especially when you're talking about my girlfriend."

"Right…and does your 'girlfriend' know that you rubbed one off while she was using her tongue on Turpin?"

"Is that a fact?" asked Susan. She glanced back at her secret lover and apologized for her boyfriend's active imagination. Then she turned towards Harry and asked, "Sweetie, I thought your fantasy involved a three-way with us and Pansy?"

"What!" the Slytherin squawked.

"So does Pansy need a button now?" asked Hermione.

"Erm, sorry, but you know how active my imagination can be…sweetheart," Harry confessed.

Susan smiled and kissed Harry on the cheek. "You're forgiven, honey. So does this mean I need to add Hermione to our fantasy harem?"

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Speaking of the Mud…Hey Granger do you know your friend Pervy Potter likes looking up your skirt in the library?"

Hermione smiled sweetly and replied, "Yes, I do, Draco."

"But…but….but that doesn't bother you?" Pansy demanded.

"Hmm…it might if it was during my monthlies," Hermione replied. She then turned to boyfriend and asked, "Was I wearing my ugly grandma panties when you looked up my skirt, Harry?"

"Hermione! I'm sure that your grandma is a lovely woman," he chided.

"Harry...."

"Okay, fine...actually, you weren't wearing any knickers at the time."

The Muggleborn witch shrugged her shoulders and turned back to Draco. "Well there you have it…no worries."

"Do you really go around without wearing knickers, Hermione?" Ron demanded.

"Relax, Ron, her bits were covered," Harry stated. He then slyly added, "Of course, given how sheer they were, there wasn't that much of a difference."

"Hermione! I can't believe that you...!"

"Hold on," Pansy hissed. "What's Pervy Potter's 'girlfriend' think about Granger flashing her bits at him?"

Susan shrugged. "I'm sure it wasn't intentional."

"And it doesn't bother you?" Pansy screeched.

Susan smiled. "Actually, I enjoy hearing my boyfriend's fantasies…it gets me hot and makes the real thing so much better…and so much bigger." She then winked at the Slytherin witch and added, "I suppose Draco's stories about him dressing in his mum's bras and knickers do the same for you?"

Draco pulled out his wand, aimed it at Susan and yelled, "Shut up!"

The dramatic tension was diminished when the wand turned into a rubber chicken.

"What...hex them!" shouted Draco.

Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy drew their wands and suffered the same result. And then they suffered through a roar of derisive laughter.

Harry grabbed Susan's hand and took a step towards the four Slytherins. "Step aside, chicken man, Susan and I have an important announcement to make."

"Hey Draco, do you want a Dreamgirl button?" asked Hermione.

"Absolutely not," Harry snapped. "Draco can't join my fantasy harem."

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

"But Harry….he was nice enough to pass his buttons out last year…it's only right that we do the same and give him one."

"No!" Harry stated.

"No way in hell!" Malfoy yelled.

Hermione sighed and nodded her head in sympathy.

"You don't need to work so hard at acting, you know."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, it's quite understandable that you're disappointed that Harry doesn't think of you that way."

"Of course I'm not…to think that…."

"It does no good to repress those feelings," Luna chimed in.

"Hey, I don't mind," said Harry. "He can repress of those kinds of thoughts about me as much as he wants."

"Like I'd want to…" Malfoy spat.

Susan giggled. "Says the boy who is waving his rubber cock in Harry's face."

"POTTER!" bellowed a voice from above.

Harry looked toward a greasy-haired wizard who had been standing quietly in the corner under a just-cancelled Notice-me-not charm.

"Professor Snape…what a surprise finding you here." Harry grinned.

"What did you do with their wands!"

"I did nothing to them…as I'm sure you know from having watched this whole encounter."

The Potion's eyes narrowed even more than they had been.

"Potter! You! Me! Now!"

"Erm, actually…I'm with Susan, now, Professor…sorry."

"Why you! We'll sort out detentions later. The Headmaster is waiting for us."

"So we're meeting right now, then?"

The Head of Slytherin House glared down at Harry. He sneered at everyone else within earshot, then nodded and spun on his heels and began to stride down the stairs.

"Guess that means yes?" asked Harry, watching the Potion's professor's robes billow.

"Are you sure that you want to…"

Harry shrugged. "Better this is done away from Ministry ears."

"But Honey!" Susan whined. "What about our grand entrance, walking hand-in-hand into the Great Hall? I so want to make every other witch in the castle jealous."

"Except for the other witches in the harem," Luna noted.

"Harem! Harem!...."

"Okay, enough of that," Hermione decided, waving off the Chasers.

"POTTER!" Snape bellowed.

The-Boy-Who-Lived glanced over at the rubber chicken-wielding Slytherins, then gave Susan a peck on the cheek.

"Watch my back then?"

"So long as I can watch your cute bum at the same time."

"Can I watch it too?" asked Lavender, as Harry rushed to catch up with Snape.

"No!" Susan and Hermione replied in tandem. Susan then turned to Draco and added, "And that goes for you too!"

"I'm not going to…!"

"Now Pansy…Pansy can perv on Harry's bum, given that she's already part of his fantasy…."

"Harem!Harem!Harem!"

"I am not part of Potter's harem!" Pansy insisted.

"Are you sure?" Hermione teased. "No matter," she decided. "I think that you four have better things to do than perv on Susan's boyfriend…like figure out where you might have left your wands."

The fact that Draco and his friends were still holding rubber chickens was compounded by the fact that their Head of House was no longer protecting them. The tipping point was reached when the Weasley Twins casually drew their wands out, and the four Slytherins ran away.

"Wait! Pansy! You forgot your button!" Lisa shouted.

Hermione worried her lower lip with her teeth as she watched them scurry off.

"Dobby!" she whispered.

The house-elf popped up underneath the table.

"Yes, Harry's Potter Sir's Alpha Missus?"

Hermione knelt down and whispered into Dobby's ear.

"Is there any way you can watch us without being seen or heard? Harry has just been summoned to a meeting with Professor Snape and the Headmaster, and well…I'm afraid they might do something."

The house-elf straightened his back and narrowed his eyes.

"Dobby does be keeping the Great Harry Potter Sir from harm!"

Exactly how he was going to accomplish this task was left unstated as the house-elf immediately popped out of sight.

oo00OO00oo

It had been more than eight months since Albus Dumbledore had made eye contact with Harry Potter…eight long months of being forced to divine his young charge's thoughts rather than determine them certainty. This restraint was necessary, given the Headmaster's fears that Voldemort could look through the boy's eyes just as readily as the boy saw through his own…and use that conduit to steal the Headmaster's most heavily guarded thoughts and memories.

But there were other things that were almost as scary...things like losing his supply of lemon drops…or losing his Death Eater spy…or losing control of the Boy-Who-Lived.

It was therefore worth the risk.

The Headmaster stared into the young wizard's defiant gaze, seeking evidence to support the boys's claims…then quickly looked away. The brief dip into Harry's surface thoughts was so disturbing…so alarming…that it took all of his skills as a Master Occlumens not to react negatively to them.

It wasn't that Harry was at risk…it was his control of Harry that was at risk. If the boy's relationship grew with the Bones girl…and he grew to trust the girl's Aunt more than his Headmaster…

Disaster.

There was a pregnant pause in the heated, closed-door conversation…a silence that built up the dramatic moment, and allowed the Headmaster to winnow though the shifting sets of schemes and paths forward.

He finally nodded, and said, "Harry, you must continue your Occlumency training, despite your stated concerns regarding Professor Snape's methods of instruction."

"It's not instruction…it's an invasion of my privacy, and he's trying to use the information against me and my friends!"

Snape snorted derisively.

Dumbledore held up a hand, weakly asking his Potions Professor to exhibit some restraint.

"Harry, my boy…you must realize that it is the only way to test the strength of your mental shields?"

The-Boy-Who-Lived shook his head emphatically. "He's gone way beyond what is necessary."

"Impudent whelp!" hissed Snape. "You dare tell me what is necessary for something that you haven't even begun to understand?"

The young wizard gave the Potions professor a defiant glare. "Let's say that you were trying to teach me how to keep students from gaining unauthorized access to the library's Restricted Section."

"What relevance…"

"It's an analogy," Harry snapped.

"What's…"

"You don't know what an analogy is?" Harry sneered. "It's like a comparison…"

"I know what an analogy is you dunderhead!" Snape bellowed. "I simply don't know what the relevance of your…analogy…is to this conversation!"

"Well if you wouldn't keep interrupting me," Harry snapped.

"How dare you lecture me on….!"

"Severus, please," Dumbledore interrupted. "So, Harry…you are comparing learning how to construct mental shields to learning how to keep students from gaining access to the Restricted Section?"

"Yes, Sir."

"And would there not be a need, in both instances, for an instructor to directly test the student's defenses?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Then I am afraid that I fail to see…"

"Headmaster, if Snape…"

"Professor Snape!"

"If I tried to defend the Restricted Section, and Professor Snape was able to get past my defenses, why would he then think he had the right to read any of the books on the other side?"

"Harry, all of the Professors have full access rights to all of the books within the Hogwarts library."

"Do they also have full access rights to all of the pervy fantasies or memories within the unprotected minds of Hogwarts students?"

"I've had enough of this…." Snape hissed, making his way towards the door.

"Hold on, Severus," asked Dumbledore. He then turned towards Harry and tried to conjure up a beatific smile. The effect would have been enhanced if he hadn't been so afraid to look the boy in the eyes.

"Harry, my boy, I can assure you that the goal of your lessons is to protect your mind from Voldemort. Professor Snape would never try to seek gain from whatever he learned during those lessons."

"Bullshit!"

"Language!"

"Dragon Dung!" Harry countered.

"Detention!" Snape bellowed.

"If Snape wouldn't try to take advantage of me, then why did he threaten me last night with what he thought he saw in my mind? And why did Malfoy already have that information this morning, and try to use it against me and my friends?"

Dumbledore sighed. "Harry, we must focus on the greater good, here…"

"No."

"Selfish, obnoxious, brat…."

"No!" Harry stated even more clearly. "I'm done with Remedial Potions!"

"But Harry, you must continue!" said Dumbledore. "If not for the Wizarding World, or even for yourself…then for your friends, at least. And for your girlfriend."

"What do you mean?" Harry spat. "Are you going to try to blackmail me with what Snape thought he saw as well?"

"No, no…not at all, Harry. I was thinking of Voldemort…what would happen to Miss Bones…or to Miss Weasley or Miss Granger…if he were to gain access to your mind and see what Professor Snape saw?"

"Oh, oh…I know the answer to that one!" Harry snarked. "If Voldemort tried to hurt me by invading my mind, just like Snape did, then he might try to blackmail or humiliate me…just like Snape did!"

"Professor Snape, Harry…and you know that Voldemort would do far more than that."

"Doesn't make what Professor Snape did any less terrible…and funny how you're more interested in correcting what I say than what he does…or did."

"I was getting there, my boy," the Headmaster sighed. "But, unfortunately, the first classes of the day are to begin in a few minutes. Shall we continue this discussion later this evening?"

"I'm not leaving until I find out what Snape's punishment is going to be for what he did."

"It's Professor Snape, Harry…someone who was only trying to help you."

Harry shook his head.

"Then if he's only trying to help me, and wouldn't think to take advantage of what he saw last night, or what he thinks he saw…I want an oath."

"What?"

"I want Professor Snape to swear on his life and magic that he has not revealed, and will not reveal, what he's learned during my Remedial Potions class to anyone else without my permission."

"I'll do nothing of the sort!" hissed the Slytherin Head of House.

"Why not?" asked Harry. "If you aren't guilty, then you have nothing to worry about, right?"

"You won't get rid of me that easily, Potter!" Snape declared.

"Harry," interrupted Dumbledore, "I have asked Professor Snape to keep me informed of your progress under his tutelage. Those progress reports would, by themselves, run afoul of your proposed wording."

"So would telling Draco Malfoy about my fantasies, or trying to impugn the integrity of any of the witches that I might fancy."

"Nevertheless…I am sure that Professor Snape would be willing to promise, on a go forward basis, not to reveal to others what he learns while testing your mental defenses."

"Not good enough…I want an oath, and it needs to include not only what he might learn in the future, but what he's already seen."

Snape sneered at the younger wizard. "Oh ho, so it is true that your so called girlfriend is really a witch's witch?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Yeah…just like it's true that I heard Trelawney moaning your name as she ground her fanny against her crystal ball."

"Mr. Potter, some respect!"

"I need that oath, Headmaster…even more so now that it's clear that Professor Snape can't tell what is real and what is fantasy."

Dumbledore shifted his gaze back and forth between Snape's glare and Harry's chin (still not wanting to make any unnecessary eye contact with the boy). He then conjured quill and parchment, and reluctantly began to compose the exact language of an oath that all three of them could all live with.

oo00OO00oo

Snape seethed as he watched the door close behind Harry.

"How could you do that to me!" he hissed. "How could you allow a student to have that kind of control over a professor…to act with such impudence and disrespect?"

Dumbledore sighed.

"There are times, Severus, when we are asked to make personal sacrifices in service to the greater good. And there is never a good time to make powerful enemies by propagating baseless accusations."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that your accusations were groundless."

"How can you say that?"

"I can say that having risked scanning the boy's surface thoughts when you accused Amelia Bones's niece of being a lesbian."

"You did what….after all this time saying that you couldn't risk that sort of thing?"

"It had to be done, both to regain the boy's trust and to keep the MLE from throwing you into Azkaban."

"What?"

"The Bones girl is not a lesbian."

"Of course she is…I saw for myself what Potter saw!"

"What you no doubt thought you saw was a teen-aged boy's hormonally-fuelled fantasy."

"What did you see that I could not?" Snape demanded.

"The Boy's unguarded thoughts," replied Dumbledore. "While you were standing there, claiming that Miss Bones was a lesbian, her boyfriend was summarily dismissing the idea by mentally reliving recent experiences that proved otherwise."

"What kind of experiences?"

"He has shared his bed with her, and she, in turn, has shared her body."

"Impossible…I bit down on every juicy, pervy memory that the brat tried to squirrel away, and the only one that Puff was in had, erm..."

"Careful of your oath, Severus," Dumbledore scowled. "So I take it that Mr. Potter's accusations regarding your intentions were accurate, then?"

Snape ignored the question. "How do you know that Potter wasn't just dreaming that he was shagging the little bint?"

Dumbledore chuckled. "Severus, my boy…these memories were quite realistic."

"So? So were the false memories that he sprung on me last night."

The Headmaster looked towards the door and sighed, thankful that Harry hadn't forced him to make the same kind of oath that Snape had just taken.

"There are two distinct reasons why I know that the boy was mentally reviewing real experiences regarding Miss Bones," he declared. "You would, of course, have no reason to think of the first."

"And why is that?"

"Because unlike Harry or myself, you do not require corrective vision."

"His glasses prove that he shagged the girl?"

"Just the opposite, actually," Dumbledore replied. He took a moment to fish a lemon drop out a pocket and popped it into his mouth.

"Young Harry was broadcasting a first-person perspective of his liaison…he allowed me to look through his eyes, as it were."

"No different than many of the perverse fantasies and memories that I saw," Snape said dismissively.

"Indeed? Tell me, Severus…did any of the images that you…reviewed…were they blurred, in any way…or was there full clarity?"

"They were…there wasn't any blurriness, that I recall."

"As is to be expected, my boy…even when the owner of those mental images wears glasses. Either because they are true memories of times when he was wearing those glasses…or because they are imaginative constructs."

"So how does that relate, then?"

"Mr. Potter inadvertently shared with me a memory of a very blurry Miss Bones servicing him orally. It was in Mr. Potter's bed, and he recalled the girl modestly asking that he not put his glasses on."

"And just because he had the equivalent of a bag over the bint's head, you believe him?"

"I do," Dumbledore replied. "But that is only the first piece of evidence. Tell me Severus…if you were going to fantasize about someone you fancy performing fellatio, would that memory include a painful moment when lips were accidentally replaced by teeth?"

Snape stared at the Headmaster with disbelief.

The Headmaster decided that he probably should have been more specific.

"Irrespective of your…predilections…do you think that Mr. Potter would have oral sex fantasies that involved pain and teeth?"

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that Harry's surface thoughts suggest that his girlfriend needs to work on her technique. The boy also was thinking about Miss Bones subsequently being caught out by Neville Longbottom as she attempted to escape his bed underneath his cloak. Do you honestly think that he would want to fantasize about either one of those things?"

Dumbledore waited a few moments to see if Snape's stuttering, spittle-fueled response resolved into something more coherent. When it failed to do so, he decided to push on.

"You are bound by your oath, now, Severus," Dumbledore stated. "I was not asked to do the same…either because Harry forgot to ask, or because he didn't think that he needed to ask. So I could, if I wanted to, act on what you observed last night. Everyone whom you confided with last night could as well…young Draco, for example."

"But…you think that…"

"It does not matter what I think about your acts or intentions. What does matter is that there is not a shred of corroborating evidence that the two witches in question were engaging in illicit activities. There is, in fact, evidence to the contrary…not that it matters. The evidence was obtained using methods and abilities that neither you nor I want revealed."

"So you are just going to let this all pass?"

"Yes, Severus…and so are you. I suggest that you refrain from doing any type of mental surveillance over the short term…either passive or active...outside of your lessons with Mr. Potter."

"But the oath only binds me to information gained during the brat's lessons."

"And there is nothing, in turn, keeping the boy from spreading word on how you gained that information...either within the castle's walls, or beyond. It is hard enough for me to deal with parents who are upset with your potions instruction…don't give them or the Board of Governors any more ammunition!"

"Is that an order, then?"

Dumbledore shook his head.

"Consider it some strongly worded advice," he tiredly replied. "Advice provided by someone who knows a bit too much about what goes on inside your own head."

Snape considered the Headmaster's words, wondering about the implied threat behind them. He swore just over his breath, then stormed out of the antechamber in disgust.

He might have kept trying to change Dumbledore's mind, had he not known that a second-year potions class was meeting within the hour that would serve as an outlet for his anger and frustration.

Dumbledore followed close behind Snape, leaving only one other in the room…a diminutive being who was smart enough and loyal enough to realize that keeping his master from harm sometimes required a bit of eavesdropping.

oo00OO00oo

Harry and Hermione had two shared classes that day, but could find neither the time nor the place for him to provide a full brief of the meeting. Part of this, of course, was due to the pretending…while Harry and Susan weren't in any shared classes that day, he still walked her to her classes and held her hand. This caused all sorts of excitement (and for some heart-struck witches, disappointment). By midday there was a huge entourage behind the couple as they headed towards lunch…big enough for Harry to suggest that they no longer needed to make any kind of grand appearance to get the news out, and that they could therefore find someplace less crowded and intrusive to share a meal.

Given how close the kitchens were to the entrance to the Hufflepuff dormitory, it was a simple enough thing for Harry and Susan to slip away from the other students (with some help from his cloak) and tickle the pear. Dobby almost fainted with excitement when he was presented with the opportunity chance to serve the young couple. He went all out, with a red tablecloth-covered table, a bottle of wine, and candlelight. He even convinced another musically-inclined house-elf to play the violin tableside. Harry and Susan's good moods were tinged with bemusement, enough for them to allow Dobby to decide what they'd have to eat.

It was the first time that Harry had eaten oysters.

He laughed out loud when Susan quietly told him why she thought they were on the menu.

They were careful about discussion topics, as there were far too many other oversized ears in the kitchens, and two too-many magical portraits hung on the walls. He did tell her about the confrontation with Snape, since it was something that he would have done if his real girlfriend was there. They also shared observations about how everyone was reacting to their coming-out (so to speak).

Harry and Susan both had really basic questions about each other, since it was their first substantive conversation. But since they figured that they should already know things like the names of siblings, or the size of the basilisk, they pushed on as if they already knew the answers to these questions. Which made for a few awkward moments…but not too awkward. Each found it surprisingly easy to talk to the other...in no small part because they knew each other's sexual orientations (as well as each other's girlfriends). Harry found the lack of sexual tension a bit odd, given how intimate they'd been in his bed. But odd and different were pretty much normal conditions for his life, so it didn't bother him too much.

The need for reticence was proven just as soon as they finished the meal, thanked Dobby, and left the kitchens hand-in-hand. Loyal house-elfs and magical portraits were summoned to the Headmaster's office, and asked to provide a full accounting. These reports added more lines of independent evidence for the puzzle master who deigned himself the designer of the puzzle that was The-Boy-Who-Lived's life.

Dumbledore spent a full hour alone in his office. It was time spent contemplating options, and ignoring the heartburn that he knew had nothing to do with what had been on his plate during lunch.

oo00OO00oo

They decided to eat separately that evening. Susan wanted to prove to Hannah that her best friend wasn't going to abandon her now that there was a boyfriend in the picture. A few members of the Harem!Harem!Harem! who knew better might have thought it was Lisa Turpin who needed that kind of reassurance…especially given how well Lisa's girlfriend had slipped into her role as Harry's girlfriend.

Not to mention Hermione's skills as both an actress, and an acting coach.

The bushy-haired witch was sitting on Harry's right hand side. The salt and pepper were sitting by his water glass on his left.

"Oh, sorry for my bad manners, Harry," she said, reaching across his plate.

Her right hand went for the salt… her left aimed lower.

"Um, oh…no, worries!" he replied tightly, trying hard not to reveal her groping to either his house mates or the Hall.

She smiled, and leaned closer.

"Give your girlfriend some 'I miss you' looks, Harry!" she whispered.

He turned towards his best friend and began to apologize.

She shook her head (slightly, but firmly) and pointed her gaze towards his "other" girlfriend.

"Oh…right, thanks," he replied. "Guess I'm still kind of new at all this."

Harry leaned away from Hermione until he could see Susan at the Hufflepuff table. When their eyes met he smiled, and gave her a little wave.

"So, I imagine that I'll see you two at the library tonight?" Hermione asked.

Her messy-haired secret lover furrowed his eyebrows.

"Hadn't planned on it…is there some assignment that I'm forgetting about?"

"Yes, you berk…your assignment to spend some quality time with your new girlfriend!"

"Oh…right."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Harry, you really need to stay on top of these things…find ways to spend quality time with Susan. I mean, it's not like your girlfriend is a Gryff that you see all the time in your classes or the Common Room."

"Quality time…in the library?" snorted Lavender, who'd been sitting just down the table. "Only you, Hermione, would think the library was a romantic location."

Harry chuckled. "Oh, I don't know, Lavender…strolling down the long, narrow stacks hand-in-hand…rubbing your fingers up and down those…thick…books….with their ribbed…leather…bindings…"

Lavender's breath caught. "Oh…well, when you describe it that way…"

"Careful, there, Harry," Parvati joked. "Susan might get jealous, the way that you're making other witches blush."

"Nah, you've got it all wrong," said Fred, as he shouldered his way onto the bench opposite Harry. "Hermione's just all hot and bothered at the thought of Harry, here, studying a new subject, and needing some help with his homework."

Ginny had been failing miserably in her attempts to not look like she'd been eavesdropping. So nobody was really surprised when she snorted and offered up a snarky comment.

"Blind leading the blind, if that's the case."

She got as many dirty looks as laughs with her joke, with all of her brothers firmly in the first grouping.

Ron scowled, and said, "You'd better be just as blind, little sister!"

"Are you suggesting that I'm not?"

"Oh, relax, little brother," Fred called out. "Everybody knows that you only go blind if you're alone when you wank."

"Well that can't be right," said Ron.

"And why is that?" Hermione teased.

"Because I can see perfectly……"

Ron let his response drop when he realized what he was saying…not that anyone could have heard his sentence end above the laughter.

Once things settled down enough for his voice to be heard without shouting, Fred winked at the younger wizard.

"You know, Harry…now that you've decided on some advanced study topics…I might have some study aids for you."

Harry cocked his head to one side.

"What are you on about?"

The red-headed twin waggled his eyebrows and looked up the table, down the table, and over his shoulder. Then he pulled one of the lapels on his robes to the side, revealing an inside pocket.

"Let's see…they should be right here…."

Harry's eyes went wide and Hermione let out an "eep!" when Fred reached into the pocket and began to pull out a foil strip of Muggle condoms.

"Fred!" Harry hissed.

"What?" the older wizard teased, flashing the widest of smiles. He made a big show of pulling the strip forward, so that he could look behind it and into the pocket. Then he shook his head, pushed the condoms back down, and closed his robes.

"Oh, sorry…never mind…must have it back in the dormitory...What? You two thought I was talking about…"

George laughed. "Couldn't have been, brother of mine. Wouldn't Harry have to know what they were first…or how to use them?"

Harry let out a deep breath and growled.

Hermione sighed, and tried to calm him down by patting the top of his hand.

"I don't know if Harry should be angered or relieved that you think that to be the case," she stated. "Besides, I'm sure that he is a thoughtful, responsible boyfriend…and if there had been need last night for…that kind of study aid… Harry would have discussed pregnancy prevention with his girlfriend beforehand."

Ginny shook her head dismissively. "And let me guess, Hermione….you know that's the case because you are really Harry's girlfriend, not Susan. And you were the one that talked with Harry about not wanting to get knocked up…and you were the one that rolled the raincoat onto his wand…right before you two shagged, then ran naked through the halls back to the Tower before you shagged the rest of the night."

Liquids swallowed at the wrong time flew out of noses, and giggle fits broke out down the table. Hermione scowled at the three most vociferous members of her boyfriend's Harem!Harem!Harem!

"Oh…oh…I'm sorry, Hermione," Katie gasped. "It's just such an…outrageous…story."

Alicia nodded. "Still sounds better when you tell it, Hermione."

Harry's eyebrows got lost in his hairline.

"What kind of stories are you telling, Hermione?"

His secret girlfriend smiled, and patted his thigh.

"Oh, don't worry, Harry…this morning Ginny was thinking that something wild and crazy happened after she left us alone last night. So I just told her the truth…the truth about the two of us rutting like rabbits, and running through the halls naked."

And there was much laughter.

Harry looked at his secret girlfriend as if she had just gone round the bend. Just for a moment, though…before he caught on and smiled.

"But Hermione?" he asked innocently.

"Yes, Harry?"

"We didn't run naked through the hallways, did we?"

"Er, yes, dear…you're right. Threw on our robes first."

Harry shook his head and smiled. "And what's this about raincoats?"

"Oh, Ginny was just adding to the story, boyfriend," she replied slyly. "It's no big deal,"

"That's what she said," George cracked.

Some of the other wizard laughed at the tired old riposte, but Hermione just shook her head, and decided to be a little catty.

"Hey, Ginny?"

"Yes, Hermione?"

"Are you doing extra credit projects in your Muggle Studies class?"

"Uh….no. Why?"

"Oh, well, I was just surprised…you knowing that 'raincoat' is Muggle slang for condoms."

Ginny cheeks went bright red. Her brother's eyes all narrowed.

"Erm, well…yes. Well you know …easy to overhear girls talking in the lav…or in the Quidditch locker rooms."

Seamus laughed. "Do I know any of those girls, Gin?"

The Fourth-Year turned towards the Irish wizard who'd been sitting next to her and slugged his arm. His piggish question and her response did much to divert the table's attention away from her knowledge of slang (at least until Ron thought about it later that evening, confronted his sister in the Common Room, and got a bat-bogey hex as a response).

Harry's real girlfriend let it drop, and aimed her sights on a different Weasley.

"Oh, and Fred?"

"Yes, Hermione?"

"It is a really big deal."

Fred chuckled. "I've suppose that you've measured it, then?"

Hermione both distracted and reassured her secret boyfriend by rubbing a hand down his thigh.

"Why Fred…haven't you been listening?" Hermione purred. "I measured Harry several times last night…measured him in several different ways…and several different places."

"Really?"

"Yeah…which is why I know that what's in your pocket couldn't have helped us even if we had needed them."

"Why's that?"

"Because, Fred, you've got regular-sized rubbers there. Harry needs double extra-large."

This time, the comment drew laughter mixed with cat calls and moaning "whoaaaa!s"

Oh, and blushing…Harry was definitely blushing.

Even more so when Susan walked up to the table.

"Hey…what's all this about?" she asked, placing an arm around each twin.

Ginny tried to get back at Hermione for the raincoat comment.

"Oh, nothing much, Susan," she called out. "Hermione was just describing how she measured your boyfriend's willie last night."

Everyone tensed up, wondering how the Hufflepuff would react to the snarky comment. Susan stared at Ginny for a moment, then caught Hermione's eyes and engaged in a bit of wordless conversation.

And then she snorted.

"Well, that's a bit of a surprise," noted Susan.

"It is?" asked Lavender.

"Yeah…I don't remember seeing a measuring stick in his bed...unless Hermione was hiding it from Harry and me in a very naughty place?"

The roar of laughter that followed caught the attention of the entire Hall. Until, of course, this attention was diverted by a rousing chorus of "Harem!Harem!Harem!"

That there were far more than just the three Chasers singing in this choir prompted Harry to bang his head down onto the table.