The Python Defense
A bawdy and slightly disturbing H/Hr crack fic by canoncansodoff
A/N: Only incremental progress, but 4k words, and a ridiculously fast update (at least for me). Fair trade, no?
Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.
oo00OO00oo
Chapter 6: Setting Their Own Stage
Hermione Granger emerged from underneath the cloak and shared a smile with Harry's other uninvited (but certainly welcomed) guest.
"So the shower room stories are true, I guess?" asked Susan.
"Which ones?"
"The ones told by frustrated witches whose boyfriends always fall asleep right after they come."
Hermione shrugged. "Well, I really couldn't say…at least not until I collect more data."
"More data?" whispered Susan. "You mean…by sleeping with other boys?"
The bushy-haired witch chuckled as she reached out and began to play with the thin trail of hair that led down from Harry's belly button.
"No, silly…by sleeping more than one night with this one boy."
"Oh…I never imagined spending even one night with a boy…much less The-Boy-Who-Lived."
"Never?" teased Hermione. "Not even as part of an exception sandwich?"
The pretty Hufflepuff blushed.
"So you two talked about me back in the Room?"
Hermione chuckled. "Yeah, we talked a bit…when we weren't otherwise busy."
"And you still trusted me enough to share his bed?"
"Meh…I trust Harry well enough…and I am chaperoning. If you ask me, it's your girlfriend that's being asked to show the most trust."
"I suppose…still, to be here like this…I'm naked, and he's naked…"
"And I'm naked, too, if you hadn't noticed."
"Oh, yeah…I've noticed."
"Yet it's Harry's bits that you keep sneaking peaks at?" teased Hermione.
"Erm, well….sorry. You've got, erm….very pretty bits. But this is the first time that I've seen a naked boy, much less been this close to one…unless you count the times that I've changed my nephew's nappies."
"Slight difference, then?"
"Nothing slight about the differences," Susan giggled. "I just couldn't believe it, when Dobby popped us here, and he was hard, and big…and he was holding it, and he was…"
"Yeah, seemed a little unbelievable to me as well," said Hermione. "I mean, really…I know that teen-aged boys are supposed to have a lot of stamina, but four times in less than two hours?"
"Four times?" Susan gasped. "So you...and Harry…three times?"
"Yes, well…four minus one is three, isn't it?"
"Why aren't you more sore, then?" blurted Susan, blushing when she realized just how coarse her question was.
Hermione chuckled.
"There could be a difference between Harry coming three times, and Harry coming three times inside me."
"Erm, right….sorry for being so nosy."
"It's okay," said Hermione. "I'm probably just as curious about what it's like when you and Lisa do it."
"Really?" asked Susan. "You mean that you're curious….bi-curious?"
Hermione blushed. "No, no, not that….not that there'd be anything wrong with me if I was, mind you…"
"Right. So…you're just curious from an intellectual perspective."
"Exactly. I mean, the girl-girl scenes are shot to get het boys hot and horny…no reason to expect that real lesbian sex would be like that…"
Susan's eyes went wide.
"Girl-girl scenes?" she gasped. "What are you talking about?"
"Erm…well...nothing, actually."
"Oh, no…you're not getting out that easy."
"Alright," Hermione sighed. "It's all the Room's fault."
"The Room of Requirement?"
"Yeah. It's just too good at what it does."
"You mean when it provides what you really required?"
"That's right."
"So one day you decided that what you really required was to watch lesbian sex?"
"No, no…not exactly."
"So what was it that you really needed, Hermione?"
"Erm…well…some instruction, actually."
"What?"
"It was a few days after we first found out about the room," Hermione explained. "One of the twins was joking about what the room would do if Harry opened it…but instead of him thinking that he needed a spot for the DA to practice, they joked about him being a normal teen-aged wizard and thinking that what he really needed was to lose his virginity."
Susan giggled. "So what did the Room look like, then?"
"Oh, no…it was just a joke."
"No, not then…what did it look like tonight when Harry lost his…erm…"
"It was very comfortable," Hermione replied. "And that's all I'm going to say."
"Fair enough…so about you watching lesbian sex?"
"Oh, right…so, the joke got me thinking."
"There's a surprise."
"Hush!" Hermione hissed. "I was curious about just how powerful the room's magic was…and that was at a time when I was really beginning to crush on Harry. But I've never had a boyfriend before, and while my mother sat me down a few years ago for The Talk, and gave me a few books to read…"
"There's another surprise."
"Yes, well…they weren't picture books. And I really wanted to be ready, and see how to do it properly…if I ever…if Harry and I, well…but I certainly didn't want to gain that kind of experience with another boy…"
"So they don't pass around those kind of magical paintings in your dormitory?"
"Yes, they do…but I was too embarrassed to ask to borrow one of them."
"But you weren't too embarrassed to ask the Room to provide you with some paintings?"
"More or less," Hermione admitted. "I snuck out one night, and went to the Room, and thought that I really wanted to see how sex works. But when the door opened, I walked into the basement of my parent's house."
"Your parent's house? You mean that you watched your parents shag?"
"No, no, no…oh God, no! There wasn't anyone else in the room. Just me, our family's entertainment system, a comfortable chair, and…and the kind of videotapes that my parents hide in their sock drawers."
"What's that?"
"It's how Muggles watch other Muggles have sex," Hermione explained. "At least, how they watch it in their own home…their version of magical porn paintings."
"Oh, I see," said Susan, not really seeing, but not wanting Hermione to take the time to explain further. "So this is how you were able to watch witches have sex with other witches?"
"Well, they weren't witches…probably weren't even real lesbians…just actresses, but…yeah…the movies always had at least one girl-girl scene."
"So…what did you do, then?"
Hermione shrugged. "I sat down and watched. Got some helpful pointers on techniques and positions."
"From those girl-girl scenes?"
"No, no…from the others…the ones with one man and one woman in them."
"Made use of those pointers tonight, then?"
The bushy-haired witch blushed.
"Right, that's a yes, then," Susan teased. "Can't believe that you, Hermione…so naughty!"
"Well…"
"And you're really curious about lesbian sex?" asked Susan. "Well, I guess it's only fair."
"What do you mean?"
"After you've let me have a close up view of your boyfriend's wand, and heterosexual sex…not that I could really see much with you underneath that amazing cloak. Still, it'd be rude if I didn't at least invite you to watch Lisa and me go at it as well."
"Oh, well, erm…not really necessary….thanks, but…"
"Relax, Hermione…I'm just teasing."
"Right, I knew that."
Susan doubted that statement, but let the comment pass.
"I suppose you could get the same answers by letting me watch those…videotapes, you called them?"
"You'd want to do that?"
"Why not?" Susan asked brightly. "We could make it a pervy double date…you and Harry, Lisa and me. Maybe I'd even learn some new techniques or positions."
"Susan! That's so…so....naughty!"
"Says the naked witch who rubbed her boyfriend off while another naked witch lay next to him and pretended that she was doing all the work?"
"Um, well…guess when you put it that way…"
"So what do we do now?" asked Susan.
"Stick with the plan…we fall asleep, you wake up tomorrow in Harry's arms, and get spotted trying to leave his bed underneath his invisibility cloak."
"But how can I get spotted if I'm under the cloak?"
"By letting it slip a bit," Hermione replied. "Wouldn't flash too much skin…especially if it's Ron that spots you…just raise the hem."
"Right," said Susan. "And in between the waking up in your boyfriend's arms and leaving his bed?"
"What do you mean?"
"I was just thinking," Susan said carefully. "If I were doing this with Lisa, in Lisa's bed…and if Harry and I are pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend…"
"You two would kiss, at the very least," Hermione agreed. "You might even expect Harry to return the favor and rub you the right way."
"Of course I wouldn't expect that…I mean…I'm not…wouldn't want…not that there's anything wrong with heterosexual activity…"
"Relax, Sue…I'm just…although maybe, as long as we're here…"
"What?"
Hermione gave the other witch a wicked grin. "So you've just given your pretend boyfriend a pretend hand job…ready to do a little more pretending?"
"More ….what are you suggesting?"
Hermione waggled her eyebrows and licked her lips. That she did this while staring at Harry's crotch gave Susan a very good idea of what she might be practicing to pretend.
oo00OO00oo
It probably couldn't rank as the most significant night in Harry Potter's young life…given what happened on the evening that his parents died, or the night when Voldemort was reborn…but it was easily the most pleasurable and strangely memorable night. And that strange and intensively pleasurable night blended smoothly into a very pleasurable (and no less strange) morning.
He woke covered not by bed linens, but by a naked witch. Well, to be accurate, she was only partially covering his own naked body…leaning across his stomach, propped up on an elbow and her back turned so that she was facing the front of his bed. Far enough down his torso that the near-sighted boy couldn't see her clearly in the dim light that filtered through his bed curtains…he could just make out her red hair, tied up in two pig tails that swung back and forth when her head bobbed up and down.
But what he woke up almost seeing within a blurry field of vision wasn't nearly as important as what he woke up feeling… the friction and suction provided by a pair of lips that were wrapped around morning wood.
But whose lips?
"Susan?"
The question startled the witch whose tonsils were being tickled, and she responded involuntarily.
"Wha….ouch!!!!!Teeth!!!!No Bite!!!!!"
"Oh….sorry, Harry," his Hufflepuff bedmate quickly whispered.
A barely conscious wizard wondered how Susan could verbalize her apology and maintain suction at the same time. Seeking answers, he reflexively reached for his glasses.
"Please, don't, Harry," Susan whispered. "I'm still kind of shy about being naked in bed with you…can you just lay back down and let me do something memorable for you?"
The Hufflepuff's emphasis on memory jogged his own.
He smiled, and gladly complied with her request.
"Absolutely…Susan."
Harry briefly thought about teasing the real girlfriend who was hiding under his cloak by moaning out his pretend girlfriend's name, or by reaching down and squeezing his pretend girlfriend's bum. But then he remembered his real girlfriend's teeth, and where they were presently located, and thought better of it.
oo00OO00oo
"What the….Susan?"
"Eeep!"
Harry waited a moment before he popped his head through his bed curtains…just in time to see a pair of disembodied feet dash out the door. He smiled, then looked across the room. The expression on Neville Longbottom's face was priceless.
"Mornin' Nev…sleep well?"
"Not…not as well as you, apparently," the boy replied incredulously. "So…Susan?"
"What about her?"
"She just….I just saw her…a lot of her…"
"Really? I just saw a bit of leg…maybe the Twins have dropped the brims on their headless hats?"
"No…she was…the cloak slipped as she crawled out of your bed…saw her face, and her…."
Harry's disembodied, curtain-draped head winked at his dorm mate. "Oops?"
"Oops?" squeaked Neville. "What happened last night after you kicked us blokes out?"
"Well, like I said…I had a few confessions to make...and hexes to dodge…and hearts to break…"
"Not all of them, apparently?" asked Neville, glancing back towards the dorm room entrance.
Harry smiled. "Yeah…still can't believe how it worked out…that somebody as beautiful, and smart, and sexy could feel the same way about me that I feel about her…"
"Wow, don't know what to say, Harry…I'm happy for you, but…I always thought that it would be you and Hermione…"
"Yeah, you and the rest of the house, apparently."
"Does Hermione know?"
"Hermione knows a lot things, Nev."
The sarcastic comment didn't go unnoticed. But the playful slap on his bum that the comment provoked did go unnoticed, as it was obscured by silenced-charmed bed curtains and Neville's general cluelessness.
"Does Hermione know that Susan spent the night with you?"
"Of course," Harry replied. He winked again, and added, "Who do you think helped with the travel arrangements?"
"Really? Wow, that's just…dunno what to say. Nice to have friends like that."
"It is…isn't it?" Harry replied. He yawned, and added, "Well…still a bit early…think I'm going to try to sleep for a few more minutes."
"Right…well, I'd say sweet dreams, Harry…but I doubt that you going to need my help there."
Harry chuckled, and turned towards the other two beds in the room. Both had drawn curtains, and the loud snores from Ron's bed indicated that at least he was still asleep. And if Seamus had overheard? Well, the more independent lines of evidence, the better.
oo00OO00oo
The bed curtains on Hermione's bed had been closed when Dobby popped her into the girls' dormitory, a few minutes before Susan had made her own escape. Which was a good thing, because her brain had been too worn out to come up with a quick excuse on why she'd flown "Air Dobby" naked, and with a goofy smile on her face.
She stretched out, and took a few minutes to compose herself and review the situation…Susan knew more than the "Harem," the "Harem!Harem!Harem!" knew more than the other female members of the DA, who knew more than the boys. But everyone one needed to "know" a single story that contained a healthy mix of bare-arsed truths and bald-faced lies. So she reviewed her cover story, and (once she got out of bed) promised to tell that story to her roommates right after she showered.
Hermione wasn't at all surprised to find a much larger audience waiting for her return from the lavatory.
"So?" asked Katie Bell.
Hermione shrugged innocently as ran a brush through her wet hair.
She didn't feel very innocent, but she was a very good actress.
"So…not much to say, really. Like Harry said, I had to be the last one because I was in charge of the room."
"Still don't believe that excuse," Ginny huffed.
"Believe what you will…we walked back to the Tower, and I said good night to him and left him standing at the base of the stairs."
"So Harry was able to walk, then?" asked Lavender.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, nobody hexed him after I left?"
"Not as far as I know."
"Nobody shagged him so silly that he couldn't walk either?" giggled Parvati.
Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Yes, Parv…that's exactly what happened. Once Ginny left, I jumped Harry's bones and we shagged ourselves ragged. Then we ran naked through the hallways back to the dormitory, and then I snuck into his bed and we shagged even more. And then…."
"And then you woke up!" Angelina laughed.
"Sounds like my kind of dream," sighed Alicia.
Those who didn't know the truth laughed at Hermione's apparent over-the-top sarcasm. Those that knew that there really was a fair bit of truth within Hermione's dramatic description laughed even harder.
The bushy-haired witch was able to satisfy the curiosity of the Harem!Harem!Harem! girls with a wink and a silent, mouthed promise of "Later!" Then she raised everyone's curiosity by opening her school trunk and digging a bag out from deep within one corner.
"What's that?" asked Parvati.
"The start of our push back," Hermione replied.
The group of Gryffindor witches gathered around her as she dumped a small pile of "Potter Stinks!" badges out onto her bed.
"What are were doing with those in your trunk?" asked Katie.
"Waiting for the right moment to get some good use out of them," she replied.
Hermione picked one of the badges up in her left hand, and concentrated as she cast a modification spell using a wand held in her right. Once she was finished, the words "Support Cedric Diggory - The True Hogwarts Champion" were replaced with a shorter, much more personal statement….
"Proud to be - Harry's Dreamgirl!"
"Who…so we're going to advertise the fact that Harry perved on us?" asked Katie.
A satisfied smile formed on Hermione's lips as she nodded her head and pinned the transfigured button onto the front of her robes.
"Why are you wearing it then?" snapped Ginny.
Hermione tried not to catch the infectious giggles that were threatening to escape from the lips of the Gryffindor Chaser line. Then she tried to bury Ginny not with bullshit, but with a blizzard of truths.
"Do you really want to know, Ginny? Know how Harry confessed that his willie stiffened when I accidentally flashed my knickers in the library? Or how I forgave him by sharing my perviest fantasies, and asking him to tell me his? Want to hear how I taught him the depilatory charm, and then hiked up my skirt and let him practice on my bits?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Ginny waved dismissively. "And then you two shagged like bunnies, and then you ran naked in the halls, and then you shagged some more in Harry's bed."
Hermione grinned. "Well, to be honest…we did throw robes over our hot, sweaty, sticky bodies before we left the Room of Requirement…"
"And then you woke up again!" Lavender chimed in.
Again, everyone laughed at the truth (as they knew it…or thought they knew it).
Alicia asked, "So what about the rest of the button?"
Hermione let her magic speak for itself, and willed the button pinned to her robes to display its alternative modified message. The "POTTER" part was unchanged, but "STINKS!" was replaced with "STUD!"
"POTTER STUD?" giggled Parvati. "Aren't you missing a verb or two?"
"Looks perfect to me," Lavender declared. "Could I get one?"
Hermione snorted.
"Did you star in any of Harry's pervy fantasies?"
"No…but I'm working on it."
Hermione's eyes narrowed as the other witches laughed at the joke that wasn't really a joke. But as she had a cover story to maintain, she shook her head and shrugged. There were, after all, a few spares that could be passed out…even after Ginny claimed one for a boatload of delusional reasons.
oo00OO00oo
George Weasley let out a whoop when Hermione walked out of the stairwell with a smile on her face and a "Harry's Dreamgirl" button on her chest.
"I knew it!"
"Knew what?" asked Hermione.
The answer wasn't so obvious when several other girls came down the stairs wearing identical buttons.
"Erm…knew we should have offered shorter odds on a harem," he joked.
"Harem! Harem! Harem!" shouted the three Chasers, before breaking down into giggle fits.
"So…a preemptive declaration?" asked Fred.
"I always knew you were the smart one, George," Hermione joked.
"Hey, I'm Fred!"
"No you're not, but she got it right anyway."
Romilda Vane, who'd been doing some last-minute homework revisions in the corner of the room, looked up and asked, "Can I have a button?"
"Gotta talk with our Alpha," Katie announced.
"Who is the Alpha?"
"Why, the first wife in our harem, of course," Katie replied.
"Harem! Harem! Harem!"
"Sorry, Romilda," Hermione replied with mock-seriousness. "I'm not taking any more applications right now."
Colin looked up from his chair by the fire and pouted.
"Oh, Poo!"
"That's Luna's line!" Hermione joked.
"So does she need a button as well?" asked Ginny.
Hermione looked towards the stairs leading towards the boys' dormitory and grinned.
"Harry's the one to answer that, I think."
"Ask me what?" asked a messy-haired wizard, as he stepped into the Common Room.
"Harry!" shouted Lavender.
"Harem!" shouted Katie.
"Harry!" cooed Ginny.
"Harem!" Alicia shot back.
And the chant began in modified form, using this call and response.
"Harry! Harem! Harry! Harem!"
"You're all loony!" Ron shouted. "And I'm hungry."
"Geez, what a surprise," snarked Fred.
"All set then, Harry?" Hermione asked.
Her secret boyfriend watched her button flash back and forth, then snorted.
"Brilliant!" he declared. "Cuts them off at the knees if they think they're going to surprise any of you."
"That's the idea," Hermione replied.
"You're the best," said Harry, pulling his best friend into a hug that meant more to each than it appeared.
"Hey now," she teased, pushing him away. "Wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea, right?"
"Nope," Harry grinned. "And, erm…about that…"
"Something to share?" Hermione asked.
The-Boy-Who-Lived rubbed the Back-Of-His-Neck.
"Actually…after you went up the stairs….I kind of…"
"Can't whatever you're trying to say wait for the breakfast table?" whined Ron.
"Well, you see…"
"C'mon, Harry," Hermione said. "I think we might have a few more buttons to pass out in the hallway."
"Does that mean that you're going to take harem applications out there, then?" Romilda hoped.
"Sorry…just approving a few that have already been submitted."
"Oh, Poo!"
"Harem! Harem! Harem!"
oo00OO00oo
Harry crawled out of the entrance and fell into the arms of a nervous Fifth-Year Hufflepuff.
"Hey there, Harry," Susan blushed.
The-Boy-Who-Lived remembered the self-promise to be assertive, and to let the Gryffindor within play a bit. He smiled widely, pulled her even closer, and replied, "Hey, there, Sweetheart."
The roar from the crowd that had spilled out behind Harry rang down the hallways as he grabbed her hand.
"So, Hermione…I think that we need a few more buttons?" he asked sheepishly. "For Lisa…and Luna…and Susan…my girlfriend?"
The bushy-haired witch nodded, then stepped forward and pulled the pony-tailed witch into her own hug.
"Oh, Susan…I'm so happy!" she declared, taking one step back so that she could pin a "Dreamgirl!" button onto her robes. "Harry finally got his head out of his arse!"
"Whoa…didn't see that coming!" exclaimed Fred.
"And good thing that none of our customers did either!" added George.
"So…so….so…when did this happen?" squeaked a crestfallen Ginny.
Harry shrugged. "Well, after I escorted Hermione back to the tower, I…well…I needed to share a few things with Susan."
"Like your bed, mate?" joked Seamus.
The Irish wizard thought he'd delivered a punch line. But the giggles morphed into gasps when the inadvertent truth within that joke caused both Susan and Harry to blush deeply.
"Don't tell me you two…." Parvati hissed with excitement.
"Okay, I won't," Harry parried. "If you don't mind…I've had enough of my personal life exposed over the last few hours."
Hermione nodded in agreement as she handed buttons out to Lisa and Luna, who'd been waiting patiently at the entrance with Susan.
"So is that everyone, Harry?" she asked.
The-Boy-Who-Lived blushed, then stayed in character by turning towards his "girlfriend."
"Erm, one more, I think…might have to get her in the Hall, although it might not be safe for her to admit that I saw…erm…sorry, Susan."
The red-haired witch displayed her very cute dimples as she smiled.
"That's okay, Sweetheart…everything worked out in the end, right?"
Harry nodded, and pulled Susan into a hug that placed his back to Ginny's, and allowed him to wink at his real girlfriend.
"Yeah, it did."
Ron sighed. He might have been using this time to reflect on how he interacted with witches, and with Hermione in particular. But given the hour, he could still only think of his first love.
"Can we go now? I'm hungry!"
Ron's brothers rolled their eyes, and cuffed his ears as they passed by. After taking a few steps down the hallway, then turned and asked, "Well?"
Harry laughed, took Susan's hand, and walked towards the Twins. Hermione hooked arms with Lisa Turpin (in a totally platonic way) and fell into step behind, followed by Luna and the three Chasers.
They tried not to laugh too much as they were led down to the Great Hall in true Fred and George style.
"Make way for the Heir of Casanova!"
"Seriously sexy wizard coming through…"
"Make way for The-Boy-Who-Lived-And-His-Harem!"