Unofficial Portkey Archive

The Python Defense
A bawdy and slightly disturbing H/Hr crack fic by canoncansodoff

A/N: Spam, spam, spam, spam....Crack, crack, crack, crack...

Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.

oo00OO00oo

Chapter 8: Broom Closets and Coconuts

Most of the anger and frustration that Harry carried away from his second meeting with Snape and Dumbledore was tempered by the knowledge that every step further away from the Headmaster's Office was a step closer to his girlfriend.

The balance of that anger and frustration vaporized when he entered the library and spotted the familiar mass of bushy brown hair.

She was at "their" table, sitting at her normal place…facing away from the entrance, with a scenic view of the Restricted Section. The seat opposite her (aka "his" spot) was unoccupied. Susan was diagonal to Hermione, in the chair that Ron used on those relatively rare occasions when he patronized the library. And Lisa Turpin sat next to Hermione, in the chair that the Muggleborn witch always reserved as a place to stack her personal cache of books.

Harry took this to be a clear sign of Lisa's acceptance within their little group.

Susan spotted him first, and gave him the same little wave that he'd given her during dinner. This caused Lisa and Hermione to turn and smile at Harry, who smiled back. This caused all of the other female witches who were watching the scene play out to smile. Or almost all…Madame Pince's expression was much more sober, and a few others were going for more of a flirty, seductive look as Harry waded through the other tables in the study area.

"Hey there, boyfriend," Susan whispered.

"Erm…hi, Sue," the Gryffindor replied, slipping down into his chair.

The pig-tailed Hufflepuff's eyes sparkled mischievously as she leaned towards Harry and puckered her lips. Startled, he quickly glanced across the table at Hermione. She rolled her eyes and mouthed the words, "Kiss her!"

So he did. On the lips. Barely made contact with them, but it was enough to get a rise out of their audience. Harry responded to all of the giggles and gossiping with his own eye roll.

"Haven't they got anything better to do than to stalk and stare?" Harry asked.

"Probably not," Lisa replied brightly.

"Ssssshhhhh!"

Harry turned towards the scolding librarian, shrugged his shoulders, and whispered, "Sorry!" He then waited until Madame Pince turned her hawk-eye glare away from their table before he reached over the table and touched Hermione's arm.

"Can we go someplace to talk?" he whispered.

"No," Hermione hissed. "The Room is busy and there's research to be done here."

"Still looking for some suitable curse or hex for our revenge?"

"Ssssshhhh!" hissed the librarian.

Hermione winced a bit, then shrugged.

"Why is the Room busy?" Harry whispered.

"Twins are using it."

"Ssssshhhh!"

Susan leaned forward and whispered.

"So why can't we just cast a silencing spell, again?"

"Because shushing us gives Madame Pince a sense of purpose," Harry snarked.

"Sssshhhh!"

Deciding that something needed to be done, the Muggleborn witch got Harry's attention and mouthed the word "Map." He looked at her for a moment, then looked around the room…hoping that he'd be able to pull the Marauder's Map from his rucksack and whisper the activation phrase without bringing attention to himself.

This was, of course, a non-starter, as the library was filled with gossiping schoolgirls who had been gleefully giving Harry and his girlfriend their full attention from the moment he walked into the room.

"Not here," he decided, as he closed the book in front of him and pushed it towards Hermione.

oo00OO00oo

"Not here" turned out to be an appropriate location description for just about any place Harry and the three witches tried to go. A dozen different witches spontaneously decided that their night at the library was also done just and followed the four out of the library. Most of these girls weren't within the DA, and a few (like Pansy Parkinson) may have had more reason to follow them than a simple quest for salacious bits of gossip.

Once it was clear that they were being followed, Susan squeezed Harry's hand and whispered, "So what do we do now?"

The black-haired wizard took stock of their surroundings, and the situation. He turned to Hermione, who smiled and whispered, "Follow my lead...and do try to keep up."

Hermione and Lisa stepped in front of the hand-holding couple, and continued walking down the hallway at the same pace. When the four started to pass by a set of stairs, Hermione suddenly turned and launched herself up the steps two at a time. The other three were quick to follow. The other witches were not as fast, causing them to temporarily lose sight of the four as they reached a landing and rounded the corner.

So of course they couldn't see Hermione urge her three companions to keep going up the stairs…or see her draw her wand…or see her cast a sticking charm onto the steps behind them that caught the pursuing witches like flies on fly paper.

When Lisa reached the top of the stairs she dashed down the right-hand side corridor and urged Harry and Susan to quickly follow. She stopped at a broom closet doorway thirty feet down this hall, and pulled open the door.

"Inside!" she hissed with an arm wave.

Susan immediately followed her girlfriend's instructions and rushed into the closet, while Harry stopped and look back towards Hermione. She had just cast a new spell on the hallway floor, and was now running towards him with a manic gleam in her eye.

"Come on!" she hissed, as grabbed a handful of Harry's robes and pulled him into the broom closet behind her.

It was a tight fit which got only tighter when Harry reached back and closed the door. Funny that nobody was complaining too much.

Hermione immediately spun around to face Harry and pulled his head down into snogging range. He couldn't see much beyond her face, given the dim light, but from what Harry could hear it seemed that Susan and Lisa were doing the same, with the Ravenclaw witch standing back-to-back with Hermione.

Any worries that Harry had about being caught in a broom closet with three pretty witches was overwhelmed by the realization that he was in a broom closet with three pretty witches! And any thoughts about joking on the expanded filling inside Susan's "Exception Sandwich" were tossed aside when Hermione opened the front of her robes, wrapped her leg around his bum, and began to grind hard against his crotch.

Eager to keep this point of contact, Harry reached inside Hermione's robes and grabbed her bum with both hands. He thrust forward to catch her lips with his, pushing Hermione backwards until she was pinned against Lisa's back. From what he could feel on the backs of his groping hands it was clear that Susan had the same kind of hold on her girlfriend's arse. So there was a furtive mosh pit of connectivity, with four hands groping and two bums grinding all in the same tight space.

Hermione broke off the snog for a breath of fresh (if steamy) air. She then attacked Harry's neck with her lips while she reached in between their embrace, unfastened his robes, and unzipped his trousers. He closed his eyes and groaned in pleasure when fingers met flesh.

"Ssshhhhh!"

The teen-aged wizard opened his eyes looked at the three witches who had all shushed him. Hermione shook her head slightly before relaunching her attack on his neck. Lisa smiled at Harry, then turned back towards Susan and squatted down until her nose was within nuzzling range of breasts. This left Susan and Harry facing each other, with clearance to gaze into each other's eyes and share a "Can you believe this is happening?" look.

Harry found it much harder to maintain eye contact with Susan when Lisa unbuttoned the pig-tailed witch's blouse and lifted her breasts out from their bra cups. Susan was trying just as hard not to let her own eyes drift down towards where Hermione was hard at work.

The Muggleborn witch smiled when she realized his predicament. She leaned forward and whispered into his ear.

"Why aren't you watching what Lisa is doing to her girlfriend?"

Harry frowned and nuzzled against Hermione's ear.

"You want me to look?"

"You didn't have any qualms in the owlry, did you?"

"No, but...that was before we...and with you here..."

"Relax, boyfriend!" Hermione cooed.

And then she did something that made it all that much harder to relax...she dropped down to her knees.

Harry's eyes followed Hermione's lips, and stayed there. So he didn't notice when Lisa followed his girlfriend's lead and dropped down onto her knees in front of Susan. And he didn't see the hemline of Susan's skirt pushed up towards her waistline, or follow the path of knickers as they were yanked down to knees, or watch as a face was buried in between thighs.

And if Harry was so focused on what Hermione was doing that he didn't take note of all that, then he certainly wasn't paying attention when a house-elf silently popped into the broom broom closet right next to Lisa and Hermione. Until, of course, that house-elf whispered into their ears, then grabbed Lisa and Hermione by the arms and spirited them away.

"What the...!"

Harry's gaze involuntarily left the spot where Hermione's lips had just been, travelled across the empty space where Hermione and Lisa had just been, and settled on the exposed bits where Lisa's lips had just been. Susan's focus shifted from the place where Hermione's lips had just been to the door, and to the muffled voices that could now be heard on the other side.

"Bugger!" she hissed. She lunged forward and pulled Harry into an embrace just as the door opened. Light spilled into the closet, followed at the speed of sound by a giggle.

"Well, well, well...what's all this then?"

oo00OO00oo

Harry didn't doubt the sincerity of Hermione's warm smile when she spotted his return to the Gryffindor Common Room...it was the twinkling in her eyes that betrayed her playful evil side and raised his blood pressure.

"Hey there, Harry...busy night?" she asked.

"Yeah, you could say that," he huffed.

"Did you escort your girlfriend back to her dormitory?"

"No, Ernie and Hannah insisted on doing that without my help."

Hermione closed the book that had been resting on her lap and patted the space next to her on a sofa.

"Why don't you have a seat, then, and tell me all about it?"

Harry looked around the room and took note of who else was there. He then shook his head and replied, "Might singe the ears of some of these little tykes if I did."

Parvati called out from across the room, "I've got some burn salve, if that's the only thing holding you back!"

"Ah...thanks, I'll remember that," Harry replied.

Hermione stood and took Harry's hand. "C'mon, then...let's go upstairs to your room."

Her dormmate's eyes flashed mischievously.

"Oooh...Harry, what's your girlfriend going to think about you bringing another witch into your bedroom?"

Harry rolled his eyes at Parvati's playful question.

"Who says that she's not already up there waiting for us?" he asked.

The brown-skin witch waited a few moments to answer, so that three witches far away on the other side of the castle could satisfy their sudden urge to shout in unison.

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

oo00OO00oo

Harry's dormitory room was empty, but this didn't keep Hermione from climbing into his bed and casting silencing charms on the closed bed curtains once he joined her.

"Isn't this going to look suspicious?" Harry asked.

His girlfriend shrugged. "It's not something that we haven't done dozens of times before. Might seem even more suspicious if we didn't do this debriefing right after you met with Snape and Dumbledore."

Harry snorted and reached for his trouser zipper. "So...you want to debrief me Miss Granger?"

"Keep it covered, Potter...and tell me what happened."

"What happened earlier in the Headmaster's Office, or what happened after you and Lisa abandoned us and Prefect Hannah and Prefect Ernie caught me on the verge of spraying Susan's baps in the broom closet?"

"Yes," Hermione replied playfully.

"You and Lisa set that up, didn't you?"

"No...that was all Dobby's initiative."

"So he set that up?"

"No, he just was keeping an eye out for us, and for any potential trouble," Hermione explained.

"Then why didn't he take all four of us?"

"He can only take two at a time."

"Then why didn't he come back for Susan and me?"

Hermione smiled and patted the duvet. "For the same reason why Neville was allowed to catch Susan sneaking out of this very bed this morning."

"Dobby was helping us build our cover story?"

"It worked, didn't it? Now if Snape rummages through Hannah and Ernie's minds, you're covered."

Harry rolled his eyes. "It only took a bit of exposed ankle to convince Neville that Susan and I were together. Did I really need to show Hannah and Ernie my stiff willie to do the same?"

"Well, Ernie can be a bit thick at times," Hermione quipped. She then asked, "Didn't you two have enough time to cover yourselves?"

"Yeah, we did...until Ernie got all batshit territorial and yanked me out of Susan's grasp and out into the hallway."

"He didn't!"

"He did," Harry replied. "Left me out there and hanging. At least Susan's skirt dropped down quick enough to keep her fanny flashing to a minimum...not that her breasts were hanging out for all to see."

"You mean for Ernie to see?"

"No, he was too busy watching me while I stuffed it back inside my pants."

"He wasn't!" Hermione hissed with surprise.

"He certainly was watching me, the wanker," Harry whined.

"Why would he...you don't think he's gay, do you?"

"God, I hope not," Harry sighed. "Probably isn't...we are talking about Ernie, after all. He probably just wanted to know how he measured up against The-Boy-Who-Lived."

Hermione giggled. "You boys and the need to compare yourselves!"

"Hey it wasn't me that was comparing!" Harry protested.

His girlfriend sighed and pulled him into a comforting hug. "I know, Harry...I know." She thought for a moment, then broke out into another giggle.

"What?" asked Harry.

"Nothing."

"Tell me!"

"No, I was just being catty...and wondering if Hannah would be able to make that comparison."

"Well I hope that she doesn't think that..."

"Think what, Harry?"

The teen-aged wizard shook his head. "It's just that... it was kind of cold and drafty in that hallway..."

"So?"

"So it was cold enough to take the edge off my...."

"Your erection?" Hermione teased. "So you'd calmed down a bit, but you're worried that Hannah and Ernie might think that you were really fully erect?"

"No! Well....maybe...it's just that..."

Hermione laughed, and pulled Harry into another hug.

"No worries," she said. "Susan was there, so she'll set Hannah straight about how big you really are."

Harry snorted. "Yeah, well she'd certainly know after last night."

"Is that a complaint?"

"Hell no."

"Good."

Harry paused for a moment, and then asked, "But why would Susan say anything to Hannah about my size?"

"Well, she is your girlfriend?"

"Yes, but..."

"And Hannah and Susan are friends, right?"

"So is this a common discussion topic between female friends?"

Hermione reached down and groped Harry.

"Only when it's such a huge discussion topic," she purred.

Harry's focus flew out the window.

"Oh, God...you left me just before...it hurt to walk back here...," he moaned.

Hermione sighed, released her grip, and scooted apart on the bed.

"Got to keep a lid on it," she noted. "We have to expect frequent bed checks the next couple of days."

"Really? So we can't..."

"You and I can't...at least not now," Hermione replied.

"What about my cloak?"

"Useful, but not fool proof...you've said more than once that you suspect that the Headmaster can see through it, right?"

"I could have be wrong?"

"Maybe later, boyfriend," Hermione stated.

"Promise?" he hopefully asked.

Hermione sighed. "So, what about your meeting with Dumbledore and Snape?"

Harry snorted.

"Now there's a erection-killing segue way," he quipped. He leaned back against the headboard and added, "The meeting started almost exactly as we predicted. Snape claimed that he was teaching me Occlumency the same brute force way that he was taught, it worked well enough for him, right?"

"And Dumbledore didn't mind?"

"Not really...just tried to take some of the blame for not discussing teaching methods in advance."

Hermione sighed. "And you need to continue your lessons, and Snape's the only one who can provide them, so he can't be sacked and forced to leave the castle?"

"They also said that Snape needs to be here to help keep tabs on what the Ministry is doing."

"By doing what...reading Umbridge's mind?"

Harry snorted, and nodded his head.

"Merlin, now there's the world's nastiest job," snarked Hermione. "Can you imagine?"

"I'm trying hard not to."

"So then...?"

"So then Dumbledore did something that we didn't expect," said Harry.

"What's that?"

"I said that if Snape wasn't going to be punished for what he did, then I wouldn't let him anywhere near my head again. That's when Dumbledore portkeyed the three of us to Grimmauld Place for a little chat with Sirius."

"No! So what did Sirius say?"

"He said that my dad would be proud of me."

"For standing up to Snape?"

Harry snorted. "No, for bagging the MLE director's niece and having a half-dozen other witches chanting about forming a harem."

(They were too far away to hear three witches on the other side of the castle once again take up their chant).

Hermione rolled her eyes. "So what about your lessons?"

"Oh, right. Sirius told me that I needed to keep learning Occlumency, even if Snape was a greasy-haired git."

"Really?"

Harry let out a deep breath. "Yeah, I couldn't believe it. Thought he'd support me...until I realized something."

"What's that?"

"I realized that Dumbledore had made the portkey before the meeting even started, and probably had talked with Sirius before we went there tonight...and I also realized that Sirius's freedom depends on both Dumbledore and Snape keeping mum on his whereabouts."

"No!" Hermione hissed. "You really think that the Headmaster would blackmail Sirius like that?"

Harry sighed. "Yes, I do...and yes, I think he did. But...even so...I know that Sirius would have told them to sod off if he really thought my life was being put at risk by all this."

"So Sirius might have told you to keep up with the Occlumency lessons even without the blackmail?"

"Yeah, that's what I'm thinking," Harry replied. "Either that, or he was just trying to stall for time until he comes up with a better plan."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because he kept on emphasizing it," said Harry. "Said that there was plenty of time between now and my next lesson, and that things might look better after a week's time...things like that."

Hermione quietly sifted through possibilities and probabilities.

"So that's how things were left," Harry finally said. "I've got another lesson with Snape next Monday, and he's bound by magic not to reveal or act on anything he learns or has learned when he's inside my head."

"And we've got most of a week to at least plan our revenge?" Hermione added.

Harry nodded and waggled his eyebrows. "As long as some of that week can be devoted to other things."

Hermione looked at her watch and shook her head.

"Almost curfew," she noted.

Harry groaned. "But...can't we finish off what was started in the broom closet?"

Hermione smiled and shook her head. "You're on your own, I'm afraid...unless you can hold off until you see me in your dreams tonight?"

"So you think I should wait, and not take matters into my own hands?"

His girlfriend took her own turn waggling eyebrows.

"I've read that REM stage and dreaming don't start for at least seventy minutes after you've fallen asleep," she stated. "And if last night is any indication...that's more than enough time for you to recover, isn't it?"

Harry smiled. "Should be...so long as I've got some really nice dreams to stimulate me."

Hermione nodded, leaned forward, and kissed him.

"I'll see what I can do."

oo00OO00oo

Later that night, Harry was roused by the weight of naked flesh pressed against his naked thighs.

The owner of that naked flesh smiled as she reached down in between her legs to take hold of Harry's erection.

"Hermione? What are you…"

"Ssshhh...I'm not Hermione. I'm your dream girl, silly."

"My wha…?"

"You're dreaming, sweetheart."

"I am? But…Susan…"

Hermione smiled, wiggled forward, and rubbed just the right spot against him.

"You're such a naughty wizard…dreaming about your best friend this way."

"But….I…"

"Don't deny it, Stud," she teased. "Does Susan know that your best friend can make you this hard?"

"Erm...yeah, I think that she's seen that first hand."

"And do you think your girlfriend would mind if your dream girl best friend shags you silly?"

Harry choked on his own spittle.

"Erm...I don't think she'd mind...this is just a dream, right?"

"You keep thinking that, Stud."

Harry took the briefest of moments to consider the situation as Hermione rocked her hips back and forth against him. And to reflect on everything that had happened over the last twenty-four or so hours. It had been beyond brilliant…but also mostly beyond his control.

Not that he minded that Hermione had taken the initiative and joined him in his bed in the middle of the night…they never would have done ninety percent of what they'd done if she hadn't taken the initiative.

But maybe turnabout was fair play…and maybe it was time to let his aggressive Gryffindor out to play.

He growled as he reached up and pulled Hermione tight against his chest. Then he rolled her onto her back, and waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Harry…what are you doing?" she asked nervously.

"Don't play coy with me, Dreamgirl," he demanded, rubbing his length back and forth against her. "If this is a dream, and you are part of my subconscious, then you should know full well what I'm doing…and what I'm about to do."

"I…I should?"

"Unless one part of my brain thinks that the other part can't be trusted?"

Hermione's eyes narrowed slightly as she considered the situation. Upon reaching a conclusion/assessment, she smiled and waggled her own eyebrows.

"Your Dreamgirl knows what you want," she purred. Then she pushed Harry off of her and flipped over onto her stomach. She pulled her knees up underneath her body until she was on all fours, and lifted her bum up into the air.

"So give me what I know you want to give me, Stud…before you wake up."

Harry chuckled...not really surprised at Hermione's reaction. Or how she had returned his volley in their role-playing game.

Assuming, of course, that this was a real-life game, and that he really wasn't dreaming.

What was his next step, then? There were a few options there…options that were literally right under his nose. Variation #13 was a tempting choice. But that probably was too much, too soon…and if Hermione really was hinting at anal sex she probably would have followed the details of his scripted wanking fantasy, and instructed him to 'Shove that bodacious wand of yours up my bum!'

So he decided to set his sights a little bit lower…both figuratively and literally.

And she decided to reward him for this choice…and for knowing what his Dreamgirl really wanted.…and where she wanted it.

oo00OO00oo

There were a hundred different thoughts and pervy memories running around Harry's head as he walked down the stairs the next morning. It was almost too bad that Snape and Dumbledore were thought to be poofs...if they fancied women and the sight of womanly flesh then they'd never get beyond the incredibly erotic surface thoughts if they tried to invade his brain.

A few less-pervy thoughts crowded their way up into his frontal lobes when Harry entered the Common Room and spotted Lee Jordan and the Weasley Twins…and their Medieval minstrel outfits…and their Medieval minstrel instruments.

"What are you three up to?" he asked.

Fred and George grinned as they swung a guitar and lute into position and Lee began to sing.

"We were patiently waiting…for Sir Harry of Gryffindor."

"Oh, bugger," Harry whined. "Is this real, or am I still dreaming?"

"Wouldn't think there'd be room for blokes in your dreams," said Fred.

"Given the size of your harem," added George.

A chant of "Harem! Harem! Harem!" drifted down the girls' dormitory stairway.

Harry turned and yelled back up that stairway.

"Hermione!"

"Coming!"

The bushy-haired witch stepped out of the stairwell a few seconds later and asked, "What's wrong, Harry?"

"A witch! A witch!" Fred and George shouted, pointing their fingers at the Muggleborn. "Build a bridge out of her!"

Hermione glanced at the two brothers and rolled her eyes.

"Yes, yes….want me to turn you into a newt?"

"No thank you."

Harry rolled his eyes. "So what were you guys doing last night?"

"We were doing research!" George protested.

"And are these kits part of that research?" Harry asked. "Does your research require you to dress funny and sing songs?"

"Geez, Harry…relax!" said Fred.

"Yeah, mate…it's not like we were expecting the Spanish Inquisition."

A jarring chord of music filled the room as Katie, Alicia and Angelina suddenly appeared wearing red capes, fake goatees and red skull caps.

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" they shouted gleefully.

"Oh, bugger," Hermione sighed. "You three as well?"

Kate replied, "Nee!"

And of course the others two joined in. As did Dean and Neville once they came down the stairs.

"Nee!" "Nee!" "Nee!"

Hermione sighed and turned towards the new arrivals.

"So why aren't you two done up in costume, then?" she asked.

"Don't need costumes when you've got coconuts," Dean replied brightly. He pulled two empty halves of a coconut shell out of his rucksack and began to bang out a trotter's pace.

"Where'd you get those?" Harry asked.

"Erm…we found them," Neville replied, as he produced his own coconut shells.

"Found them…in Scotland?" quipped Harry. "But coconuts are tropical!"

"Harry!" Hermione whined. "Don't encourage them!"

"It's nothing to do with encouragement," Harry replied. "It's a simple matter of weight ratios." He then turned back to Dean and added, "Presuming, of course, that these shells were carried by swallows?"

Hermione sighed and turned her attention towards the three cardinals.

"Are all of you actually going down to breakfast dressed like that?"

Angelina looked down at her cardinal's kit, then kicked the floor, sighed, and swung her arm in an "Oh, drat!" motion.

"Yes, oh…it's not a very good costume," she agreed. "Not even from the same movie." Then she vanished her fake facial hair, then ripped open her red cardinal's robes and let them drop to the floor. The other two chasers followed suit, revealing gauzy, long-sleeved full-length gowns underneath.

"There, that's better," she declared, as they all added a veil-draped hat to their costumes.

"The cardinal costumes were Zoot's fault," Katie grinned, pointing towards Alicia. "Wicked, bad, naughty, Zoot!"

"Oh yes. Zoot is a naughty person, and must pay the penalty!" Angelina declared.

Fred chimed in, "And you know we have but one punishment in this Castle, right Harry?"

The black-haired wizard did know, if fact. But that didn't keep the Chasers from reminding him.

"You must tie her down to a bed and spank her," Katie declared. "And then you must spank me as well."

"And spank me, Harry!"

"And spank me!"

"Yes," said Katie, "you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking…."

"The oral hex?" Hermione asked sharply, as she aimed her wand towards the three witches.

Ron added his own closure to the scene when he burst out of the stairwell with his shirt tails half-out and his hair disheveled. Taking absolutely no notice of kits or coconuts, he asked, "So, I haven't missed brekkers, then?"

Hermione glanced at her wrist watch and shook her head.

"We've probably kept Susan and the others waiting," she decided. Then she turned to the three Chasers and asked, "So this is what you're really wearing to breakfast then?"

Angelina responded by reaching into her book bag and pulling out her "Dreamgirl" button. She smiled, and pinned it to her gown. The other two did the same, then formed up in rows behind Hermione.

"Every harem needs an official uniform," Katie explained, as they made their way through the portal.

"Harem! Harem! Harem!"

"So that means that Susan and the others are…."

Hermione's unfinished question was answered by the matching smiles and maiden gowns worn by the three witches who were waiting patiently in front of the Fat Lady's portrait.

"Oh, bugger," she muttered.

"Good morning, sweetheart!" Susan said brightly, as she walked up to Harry and pulled him into a tight embrace.

Susan's "boyfriend" was ready for this bit of staged intimacy. But what he wasn't ready for was Lisa walking up to Hermione and giving her a hug.

"Good morning, Sister!" she lovingly gushed.

Luna followed suit and dived into a group hug with the Chasers.

"Good morning, Sisters!"

Ron gawked at all of the hugging with disbelief…and a bit of lust.

Fred and George put a tune behind their own bit of lusty disbelief.

"Bow-chicka wow wow…bow-chicka wow wow…"

Harry's head turned sharply towards the twins.

"What did you two just say?"

The Weasley brothers repeated the bit of sung verse, adding in some improvised hip thrusting choreography.

"Bow-chicka wow wow…bow-chicka wow wow…"

"Bloody hell!" Harry swore. "Hermione…I thought you just set them up with Python videos?"

"Language, Harry!" she chided. "And I did! I checked and made sure that those other tapes were locked up before I left."

"Those other tapes, Hermione? And what kind of tapes were those other tapes?"

The bushy-haired witch chewed on her lower lip for a moment as she surveyed the group's expressions. Fred and George were waggling their eyebrows. Luna and the Chasers were giggling.

Ron didn't have a clue what was being discussed, however…and Hermione was inclined to keep it that way. So she sighed, gave Harry a guilty look, and whispered her confession.

"Bow-chicka wow wow movies."

Harry's breath caught in his throat, leaving the highly amused Hufflepuff who was still in his arms and had overheard to reply.

"Wicked, bad, naughty, Hermione!" Susan teased.

"A spanking! A spanking! A spanking!" shouted the Chasers.

Luna nodded. "And after the spanking, the oral sex!"

"Too quick for me!" Hermione whined.

"Too silly for me!" Ron grumbled, oblivious to what Luna had just suggested. He walked up to Harry and began roughly pulling him by the arm down the hallway. "C'mon mate, we're going to miss breakfast."

"No, that's okay, Ron," Harry snarked. He looked back towards the witches and claimed, "I can tackle this lot single-handed."

"Yes! Yes!" Katie shouted. "Let him handle us single-handed!"

Susan shook her head and budged in between Harry and Ron.

"There will be no single-handing, no spankings, and no oral sex."

"Oh, shit!" Angelina whined.

"Breakfast!" Ron whined.

"Dobby?" Susan called out.

The house-elf immediately appeared by her side.

"What cans Dobby be doing for Mr. Harry Potter Sir's Girl-Girl friend?"

Susan blushed at Dobby's description, and hoped that anyone who did not know the truth was simply assumed that the house-elf was stuttering.

"Dobby will you please give Hermione and Harry their outfits?"

"Rights away, Missie Girl-Girl friend!"

Hermione and Harry were both in too good of a mood to protest as their robes were transfigured. Hermione was given a gown befitting her station as a harem maiden from Castle Anthrax, while Dobby insisted that Harry wear a crown, chain mail, and a white tunic trimmed in gold, with a frowning sun emblazoned on its chest.

Ron frowned at Harry's outfit. He turned towards Dean and asked, "Who's he, then?"

The Muggleborn smiled, and replied, "Must be a king."

"Why?"

"He hasn't got shit all over him."

Neville rolled his eyes as he stepped up and offered to be Harry's squire. He agreed, and they all began to clip-clop down the hallway towards the Great Hall.

Harry and Hermione thought that they were getting off easy when Fred and George stayed quiet over the first half of their walk. But as they got closer to the Great Hall and began to pass by other students, Fred, George and Lee proved that they were merely waiting for a bigger audience when they began to sing to a familiar melody.

"Sexy stud Sir Harry, walked forth from Gryffindor...

He was not afraid to share, oh sexy Harry!

He was not at all afraid to confess his lusty dreams.

Brave, brave, brave, Sexy Harry!"

"He was not afraid to say that he perved on Daphne's pics,

Or to tell Hermione that he peeked under her skirts.

He dared reveal the shower scene where he rubbed our Chasers bits,

Then rubbed his own John Thomas till it was raw..."

"That he ran bare-arsed naked with a pretty young miss, and got very stiff when she squatted and pissed,"

"That he wanks every night to the fantasy, of his girlfriend acting a little lezzie...

That he dreams of Sue as she wiggles her tongue, in those womanly places where babies come from...

"That she grinds her muff, and..."

"That's - - that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads," Susan decided.

"Right," agreed Lee. "Well then…shall we sing about Snape instead?"

"Must you?"

Fred and George looked at each other for a moment, then turned towards Susan and sang some more.

"Severus Snape deserves to be mashed into a pulp,

And to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.

To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,

And his limbs all hacked and mangled, Severus Snape!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,

And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,

And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,

And his penis-"

"That's - - that's, uh, that's really enough for now, lads," Harry interrupted, as they reached the entrance to the Great Hall. "Unless you want to completely turn every one's stomachs off to breakfast?"

Fred and George sighed, and settled for clomping coconuts.

The group's dramatic entrance caught every-one's attention within the Great Hall.

Some laughed. Some frowned in confusion. A few fumed.

And one person began to mentally draft Educational Decree Number Forty-five.