Unofficial Portkey Archive

Hi all! Here is the next chapter, I hope you like it. Thanks for all the awesome reviews, and thanks for the song suggestion Quillbee05!

CHAPTER FIVE: COME ON GET HIGHER

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

"Come On Get Higher" MATT NATHANSON

I wait.

And wait.

A muffled cry sounds through the door from somewhere in Harry's flat.

I still. What was that?

My hand shakes as I raise it to knock again, but I can't bring myself to make contact with the door.

The full weight of what I'm destroying crashes down.

What in the hell am I doing? I left him. I can't blame him for moving on. I have no right to waltz in here and change anything. I don't even know if I want to.

My legs had turned to jelly at some point without my knowledge. Jelly or lead, I'm not sure. My legs felt heavy, yet unstable.

I'm not sure how I ever make it down the flight of stairs, or how I all by run to my car once I got outside.

Somehow I do though, and once I'm in the safe haven of my parents' SUV, I fire it up, put it in DRIVE, and take off without a second look at his building.

What was I thinking? I can't do this to him, to her. I can't do this to myself.

I need to go home. Seaham has never felt like home before, but right now, that's exactly where I want to be. I have half a mind to ditch the car and Apparate this second.

But I don't. I go back to my side of town-my parents' side of town-and stop by a small market. I get the things my mom needs, mind and fingers both numb, then go back to the house. Not my house. The house.

Because I don't belong here anymore.

And after the New Year, I'm not sure if I'll ever return.

* * *

I run until I can't run anymore. Then I jog. Then I run again. Soaked in sweat despite the chilly air, my feet pound the slushy sidewalks leading back to my flat with the streetlights as my guidance. Loud, angry music blares in my ears as my blood pumps rapidly through my veins.

I don't think. I can't. I focus on my footing, on the deafening noise coming from my ear buds.

It's so much better than way. Not feeling. Not caring. Not worrying about anything.

Like crazy ex-girlfriends who leave you in the dust.

Like crazy nights filled with so much passion it's almost too much to take.

Like drunken talks about future plans that may or may not ever come to fruition because the girl of your dreams has commitment issues.

Or issues in general.

Because she's nuts.

Mental for ever leaving me.

Mental for coming back.

Mental for not staying.

Mental for not calling on me, even if just to see how I'm doing-see if I'm still alive.

Maybe not mental at all.

Maybe she's just a bitch.

For letting me have so much, then taking it away.

I stop at my flat, a stitch in my side and my breathing uneven.

I'm angry.

I'm bitter.

I don't really think these things about her.

Or maybe on some level I guess I do, but I don't mean it…much. Because I love her. She had her reasons. I know. I know . I know.

Right now, I just don't want to know. I want to be furious.

Being furious might stop me from going over to her parents' and begging her to come back.

Being furious might keep me home; I won't ruin my chance with her. She will come home, I know it.

Being furious might also make me go over there and shout at her for causing me so much pain.

My temper is going to ruin my life. I can't let it. I need to straightjacket myself in my room.

I opt for Firewhiskey instead.

I'm going to regret it, I know. I'm not one to do this, but I can't help it.

I'm running out of time. My mind is already building arguments for a shouting match.

I chug from the bottle. A searing burn ignites my throat but I just close my eyes to the pain and drown myself in the bottle.

I drop the bottle and it shatters. I grab the sink to stabilize myself as the effects are almost instantaneous. I'm going to get sick. My stomach contracts as I lean over the sink, but I will for the contents to stay down.

After a few long seconds, I think I have a hold on it.

I make it to my bed in the dark and drop, ready to succumb to the inevitable blackout I just created for myself.

Safe.

For me.

For her.

For us.

* * *

Cold water.

I jump and in the middle of rolling on my bed I crash to the hardwood floor.

I look up to see Ron, stone-faced, wand in one hand and a repaired Firewhiskey bottle in the other.

Bright sunlight is pouring in through my curtains. I look at the clock and see it is late in the morning, almost noon.

"Fuck." I missed Molly's big Christmas breakfast.

"Hey mate." I croak, my eyes still trying to adjust to the onslaught of light.

"Happy Christmas," is Ron's short response, his eyes glaring daggers.

I nod, unable to meet his eyes.

"Jake pissed on the floor. Perhaps you should take him out next time before you go binge drinking-you know, think of others beside yourself."

He means his family, I know. I deserve that.

I pick myself up and go to the bathroom, opting not to respond. My head pounds as I piss a waterfall.

I straighten my glasses in the mirror and try not to notice the circles under my eyes or how bloodshot they look.

I take a five minute shower to make myself more presentable though I cross my fingers that Ron is gone.

My room is empty. I throw on boxers and pajama pants and head to the kitchen.

Ron is in there with Jake, patting him as he diminishes a large bowl of food hungrily.

Guilt for neglecting my little buddy compounds with the guilt from missing Christmas breakfast-something Molly looks forward to every year. "I just love all my children here on Christmas morning!" She always says through teary eyes.

"Hey." I say awkwardly.

Ron merely nods and points to a cup on the counter. A Hangover Potion, no doubt.

I gulp it down greedily, willing for my discomfort to go away.

"Thanks." I mutter, opening the refrigerator.

Nods again. Mute.

"Look, I'm sorry mate, okay?" I finally say, ready for the silent treatment to end.

Ron stands and finally looks me fully in the eyes.

"I fucked up. I'll make it up to your mum. I'm sorry." I repeat, genuine as can be. I will.

In an even voice, Ron replies quietly, "I understand what you're going through. But don't turn your back on people who have never done anything but love you. I covered for you this morning, even though I could tell you ruined my mum's Christmas. She's isn't your mother, I get it. You don't want to be with my sister, I get it. We aren't your brothers, I get it. But don't turn your back on us. Especially for someone who left." His voice was low, dangerous.

I don't have a response. Now it is my turn to just nod.

I feel like shit and no Hangover Potion can fix that.

I'm not going to let her ruin the day like she's ruined so many others.

First, I give Jake his Christmas presents: a large bone, a new bed, some fresh toys, a big bag of treats, a new collar and matching leash, and finally, two new porcelain food and water bowls customized with JAKE'S FOOD and JAKE'S WATER on them.

I get dressed while he's chewing on his new bone in a pair of dark jeans and a white button down then a tan long sleeved sweater over top. I tuck my tie under the sweater so it the top of it is barely visible. Casually dressed up. Molly will love it.

I take all my presents and Jake out to the car. The Dursley's first-it will be a short visit.

And it is. They expect and don't expect me at the same time. I give them each presents: a bracelet for my aunt, new cigars and accessories for the humidor I got my uncle for his birthday, a speed bag for Dudley, and for his fiancée, the generic gift of a set of shampoos and lotions and perfumes from a shop at the mall.

They all chipped in and got me a nice watch. I actually like it a lot, but I know if I replace the one Molly and Arthur got me for my seventeenth birthday, especially today, it might break Molly's heart.

Special occasions watch. I like my old one more anyway.

I thank them. Drink a glass of wine and have some of Aunt Petunia's Christmas pudding.

I drive to a parking lot and Apparate to Godric's Hollow next.

A Christmas wreath for my parents, as well as a long winded speech of what do to about my life.

"You never gave up on Mum, did you? And look where it got you-even if it wasn't long enough, I'm sure they were the happiest years of your life." I whisper quietly to the headstone. Tears leak down my cheeks.

I miss them.

I put a wreath on Sirius's headstone as well, which I bought and put with my parents. I couldn't bear there not being a spot to remember him. He was my dad's best friend, so it seemed fitting for Sirius to have a spot beside him. Brothers. Very much like Ron and myself. And Hermione is my Lily.

I spend a few more minutes telling them about how proud I am of them, and how I hope I can make them proud of me.

I leave before I tear up again.

Remus and Tonks with little Teddy are next. I drop in for just a moment to give them their gifts: a scrapbook album of different pictures I'd found in Sirius's room of the four of them at Hogwarts for Remus, some wacky joke shop gifts for Tonks, and a little broomstick for Teddy, who needed to start practicing for Hogwarts in just a few short years.

I sent Hagrid his gift, a book about dragons.

By the time I made it to the Burrow, it was almost four.

Everyone was still there. Molly hugs me tightly, but I can feel that she is giving me a little bit of the cold shoulder. A gift certificate to a new magical spa in Diagon Alley and necklace hleps matters.

To apologize for missing breakfast, I insist on making Christmas dinner for everyone. I unload ingredients I was able to purchase from what seemed to be the only store open on Christmas as Ron gives me a hand in handing out the rest of my presents: a new broom servicing kit for Ron, earrings for Ginny, new fancy robes for the twins, a Muggle fan and watch for Arthur, funny looking earrings for Luna, miscellaneous gifts for the rest of the Weasleys and lots of joke shop merchandise for all the children that I look at as nieces and nephews.

Ashamed to admit why I missed this morning, I told Molly I was feeling under the weather.

By the end of the evening, I felt better than I had in a long time. Cheer and Christmas spirit had everyone laughing and having a good time.

Ron corners me before I'm able to leave.

"So what was with this morning?" he asks, though I'm sure he knows the answer.

"I didn't want to do something stupid, so I took myself out of the game." I vaguely say with a shrug.

Ron understands, but doesn't at the same time. And that's okay.

I have one more gift to deliver before the night is over. Feeling high from all the happiness, I feel like I actually can do it.

I sing Christmas carols to Jake while I drive-I don't let myself talk myself out of it.

It's late in the evening when I pull up in front of her parents' house on the opposite side of the street.

I turn off my car and watch. The windows are bright with light.

I let memories flood my mind, to give me the courage to knock on the door.

Hermione laughing.

Hermione crying.

Touching her.

Breathing her in.

Her touching me.

Kissing me.

Pulling me closer.

Hermione pulling away and disappearing.

My eyes snap open.

I can't go through that again. Fear of rejection turns my car back on and has me drive away.

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

"Come On Get Higher" MATT NATHANSON

I realize not a whole lot happens in this chapter, but it's more Harry trying to get back in the groove of life, and try as he might, he can't escape her. Next chapter out soon!

Don't forget to review!

Thanks, see you next time!

*~Archie~*

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